I have decided to take a break from public blogging for a while. Until and if I decide to return to it only 6 people will read my journal for now. Maliheh will be emailed a copy, Andy will get a copy on Formspring which is now protected along with my Twitter account, and in a customized note on Facebook, Alison, Kim, Christine and Mitch will get a copy as well.

I’ve decided on semi-private blogging for two reasons. One is that I was actually starting to get sick of the social scene altogether and so many people coming at me so often with comments and questions and whatnot. I simply didn’t think my writing would draw that much attention when I first went public in 2008. But I’ve been writing publicly since then and tracking since 2010, both of which have lost their excitement as it’s no longer anything new to me. I will still be out and about in public to help promote my books, but that’s about it for now. I’m not saying it’s going to be like this forever or for a set amount of time. I, like most writers, am just acting on a whim and how I feel at the present moment. And right now I feel like sharing only with my closest friends.

It was Molly who compounded and basically locked in my desire to leave the public spotlight for a while. No, she hasn’t done anything wrong by way of making threats or anything like that; she’s just driving me crazy. I’m not going to block her, delete my blogs or disallow comments. I only went private on Formspring and Twitter. Everything else is just gonna sit there. I left a note there saying that I was sick of public blogging and was going to take a break for a while. That way people know what’s going on and won’t be worried.

I considered blocking Molly since “giving her a chance” seems to be a mistake, but that may piss her off into being a much bigger pest than she has been. Yes, being a pest who simply refuses to listen (or does she just not get it?) may be her worst fault, but I’m just sick of her never-ending presence that just never goes away. And now that we’re “friends” I don’t expect to even get so much as the occasional few days to a week off I used to get without her hovering over my shoulder.

I’m untracked on MyOpera and other sites, but my Thoughts tracker is still sitting there watching to see who comes around during my absence. I wouldn’t be surprised to get a message every hour from the troll asking where I am. Well, that mixed in with her repeated requests for “help” with those of her former friends who still don’t want to bother with her on account of her moods, lies, pushiness and delusions.

She still talks of Kathy and Aly regularly in her posts, especially Aly, and I realize that nothing placates this nutjob. Nothing. Even if those people suddenly started communicating with her every minute of the day in every way possible, she still wouldn’t be happy. It’s like she’s naturally just a miserable person who lives for having something to complain about, most of which most would find totally unreasonable and silly. It’d be like the difference between me bitching about Jesse’s dogs barking for hours as opposed to a tiny sliver of paint peeling from the wall. Not even I was ever this unstable in my craziest of times as a teenager and young adult. But this nut’s 28 already. Young, but not that young.

There’s no trust there either. I asked her how she beat my blocks I had on Tumblr. She swears no one told her how to beat them and that she didn’t do anything at all. All she did was go there and find that the account was one-day public and she could read my posts. One problem with that story, though, and that’s that that account was always public.

Sometimes I think she’s just too out of her mind to get the things I tell her like NOT trying to involve me in her disputes with others or expecting me to play messenger, and other times I wonder if maybe she does get it but is deliberately out to piss people off for kicks. She claims she can’t deal with rejection and that rejection pisses her off, but I don’t know about that at times. It seems she lives for pissing people off, rejection, and trying to “win over” past boyfriends and past friends who don’t want to know her anymore. It really does seem like she’s a negative attention junkie and gets off more on reading bad things written about her than good. Is this just normal for some people? Are there really people out there who enjoy being badmouthed???

I have told her a dozen times or more that I don’t want to discuss others with her yet just yesterday she emails me to say that someone named Barbara ran into Kathy in a grocery store and Kathy told her she was disturbed and all that.

“Why would Kathy say that?” she asked of me. “I’ve been leaving her alone since last June! I promise not to bully her or anyone else ever again! Please, Jodi, you gotta help me!”

What the fuck does she think I can do anyway? Go to Kathy and demand she be her friend? Kathy’s her own person same as anyone else. She has a right to do as she sees fit without the pressure of anyone else.

I stupidly emailed Molly a few of my stories since she said she wanted to read them, so hopefully she won’t abuse that address. As it is there’s been a huge surge of spam since yesterday. That addy tends to get waves of spam anyway, and I don’t think Molly would take the time to sign me up for every newsletter on the planet, but you never know. They’re coming in every few minutes, faster than I can mark them as spam.

Andy’s another one that doesn’t seem to get it. Despite my telling him that it really bothers me when people imply or accuse me of being a liar and doing things I didn’t do, he said, “Yes, you would” when I said I wouldn’t even want to hear from Nane or Barbara every day. It makes me uncomfortable to have friends with such serious trust issues where I gotta always wonder if they believe the things I say and insist I’m not lying or joking about whatever. Why would I lie or joke about something like who I would/wouldn’t want to hear from every day? I’m generally mistrusting of people too, but if you feel you can’t even take your closest friends for face value, then maybe you need to rethink that friendship. If you feel you can’t trust me, then you should let me go and find those you feel are more “trustworthy.” As I told Nane, if you can’t handle me at my worst (and she proved she couldn’t), then she doesn’t deserve me at my best. No matter how many times I insisted I wasn’t kidding or fucking with her about our plans to kill ourselves, she refused to believe me. Sorry, but I’m too selfish and blunt to lie to people about my intentions and shit like that. If I didn’t want people or certain people to know the truth about something in particular, I just won’t mention it at all.

Speaking of Nane, two days ago I half-hoped I would hear from her even though I knew I wouldn’t and today I have no desire to hear from her at all. She simply wasn’t what I thought or hoped she would be and those are the kinds of people I don’t need in my life. I feel confident that I’m over her and her shit enough to ignore her if she did contact me, not that I can see why she or Barbara ever would. Well, I can’t be 100% sure about Barbara, but I’ve had enough of Nane’s silent treatments and bullshit accusations. Relationships, be it intimate ones or not, must be built on trust. There’s just no way that I can see where a relationship would be even remotely possible without it, so for the last time, if you feel I’m not being entirely upfront with the things I say, feel free to let me go. :)

They say that if you care about someone enough that asks you to let them go, you will. Well, despite the fact that Nane turned out to be an ass, she was someone I did come to care about. I didn’t love her like I love Tom, of course, but I had feelings for her. Honest, I did. To those of you with trust issues – I really, really did come to care for Nane. And so I have let her go and would continue to do so even if I woke up tomorrow wishing we could reconnect once again, even if it meant being dumped and shit on all over again by the hündin. I think she’d fuck with me and dump me even if I lived down her street. That’s just Nane for you.

We’re at our coldest now, almost hitting 29º last night. That’s what they said we were to get down to, but I only saw it go as low as 30º. Plenty close enough. :( I’m freezing and I hate it! The kitchen floors are cold even with socks on unless I stand over where the heating vent runs. I really hope this is our last winter in a trailer!

Sure love the dream I had last night, and yes, it left me with one of those feelings. Not that we’re going to buy a house or anything like that. I refuse to ever own again unless we have enough cash to buy a place outright, something I just can’t see ever happening in our lives. But last night Tom and I were talking about buying a brand new house in one of my dreams for $42,000 and how we could pay it off in 5-6 years. It was so cheap because it was made of this special new material. It seems there was some mention of Arizona and its population continuing to grow, but we weren’t actually in Arizona, fortunately. I awoke asking him how many bedrooms the house had.

I told Tom about the dream and he reminded me that it’s not usually the particulars of my dreams that matter since the only place you could buy a new house that cheap would be in the slums.

I can’t believe the spam I’m getting today. Was it ever this bad? Did I ever get spam every 5-10 minutes?

Anyway, I lost a couple of pounds for some reason even though I haven’t been dieting or running as much as I wish I could say I have.

Molly’s been looking for me all morning and I wonder how many years she would check my blogs in hopes of my return. She left a message on my profile page saying she’s really “calm” today and hopes I haven’t left Thoughts. Yeah, I’m calm too, Molly. :) Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!