Right now I feel like my body has been used as somebody’s punching bag. My diaphragm muscles are sore as hell from all the sneezing I did thanks to my last allergy attack. I gotta wonder how they can get so sore with the hundreds of ab crunches I do nearly every day! I also feel like a giant water balloon being a week away from my period.

Because it only cost a few bucks, Tom grabbed a new float for the cooler and is replacing the old one. So maybe the thing will stop leaking in the mornings like it has been. But this way he can let Jesse know when he pays the rent that he replaced it, along with the valve in back, and hopefully that’ll keep him from coming down here.

We went a record 4 weekends in a row with no barking, in case I haven’t already said so.

We were discussing the pros and cons of owning versus renting. I do miss being our own boss of the place and us being the ones to have the say in what happens when (unless it’s an emergency) and not having to ask permission like children to do this or to do that. I definitely miss that much. Tom loves to tinker with things and to build things too, so he kind of misses doing more of that.

But what we don’t miss is having to pay for whatever breaks. Especially if it costs more than just a few dollars like a hot water tank does.

I was surprised to see so many 3-bed, 2-bath houses in decent enough condition selling for just 85K with monthly payments between $450 - $650. But the problem is the down payment. One wanted 16K and that may take us another year or two of staying here to come up with, assuming he didn’t get laid off and nothing else came up to throw a curveball at us which, in the end, could end up causing us to stay here longer quite unnecessarily. We could end up wishing we’d gotten the hell out when we first had the chance and just rented a place in an adult community.

That’s another thing; these houses we looked at online are in the mainstream. It’s weird, but true that rentals in adult communities are cheaper while the houses sell for more there.

Tom just said that statement was wrong and that we couldn’t literally end up staying for nothing. If we stayed longer (though right now I highly doubt we will), we’d only have even more money to move with, and anything that could come up unexpectedly here vs. an adult community rental would be easier on us here because it’s cheaper here. Our rent is $825 and all we have to pay for is propane (about $800 a year). A rental in an adult community would probably be another $100 in rent, plus a couple hundred for electricity.

It’s something we’re going to have to investigate further and ask ourselves if being put out another year or two is worth the lower payments in the end and having a place that we’re the boss of.

I’d be worried as hell about the neighbors, though, if we were back in an anything-goes neighborhood. I’ve had too many bad neighbors for too many years not to know that God above would be sure to pick out the absolute worst neighbors possible for us. I would normally choose financial savings over noise, but if that noise is anything like it was in Phoenix, I would rather pay more for some peace. But we couldn’t possibly know how bad it may be till we got there, and it’s harder to sell and move from a house than from a rental. In an adult community, I may get barking dogs and I may have to listen to car door slamming from their daily company and I may have to listen to car stereos, but there’s the potential for twice as much trouble in the mainstream. Do I really want college kids to the left, welfare bums to the right and the Brady Bunch across the street while I listen to 6 barking dogs all within a 100-foot radius of our place? Having my peace disturbed so I can’t hear myself think when I’m awake is bad enough, but to be woken up constantly is really bad.

So even if someone handed us the money right now for a down payment, we couldn’t know what we were getting into for sure till we got there. The few times I did get the luxury of being able to say, “How nice it is to finally have a good, quiet neighbor,” they would up and move and in would come trouble. Yeah, I actually had a few quiet neighbors over the last 20 years. A black guy who lived below me in the 2nd Crystal Creek apartment, and a white guy below me in the 2nd Vista Ventana studio. But it was so hard to really enjoy the peace they gave me when everyone else around them was acting like a bunch of wild animals.

We wouldn’t want to sit back and just take it if we ever again had a neighbor who was a genuine, honest-to-God problem by most people’s standards, but what happens if we lodge a city complaint against someone who isn’t white and who has the wrong connections and no one who ever questions their credibility just like in Phoenix? Then whatever they decided to do to me on account of it would be considered “justifiable retaliation” and it would be my word against theirs simply because I’m white.

I wish that just like we have adult communities they would set up neighborhoods just for college kids and just for welfare folks. Having just a mainstream and an adult community isn’t enough. It’s too black and white. But unfortunately, the large Mormon families with their incredibly loud, always-home children, and the even louder college kids and those on welfare are allowed to go anywhere. Even if that means I’m the one that has to deal with them.

But I won’t completely scratch the idea of possibly owning sometime later on down the road in life. I just don’t want to make another dumb buy. We already did that twice. Yes, it was our fault that we lost the Maricopa place and the land in Oregon. In Maricopa, we bit off more than we could chew. In Oregon, we didn’t investigate the land thoroughly enough before purchasing the parcel we purchased. If we had we’d known the mountain it was on was volcanic and damn near impossible to dig septic tanks and other shit on being as rocky as it was. There were other unforeseen expenses that arose along the way, too.

So right now I’m leaning toward getting out of here this summer as planned and into a rental in an adult community. Now if they deny us for some reason, then that could change a lot of things. So could finding a place that wanted just 5K-10K down, though I would think it would have to be a total dump in that case.

I swear I am a jinx to every site I use! Thoughts just couldn’t get their shit together so I left it and returned to MyOpera. This will be my main blog, once again. I hate to redirect my followers for the millionth time, but I just couldn’t deal with the glitches anymore on Thoughts. MO has its share of glitches at times too, but I don’t remember it ever being as bad or as often as Thoughts. It’s been nearly two weeks now that Thoughts has been running as slow as the dial-up ages. No thanks!

This blog doesn’t have a geo tracker of any kind at the moment. I wish it did, but MO won’t allow for that, so unless they either change their policy or re-partner with another tracking service, I can only guess who’s coming around who’s not registered. It has an internal tracker, but that’s it. If people want to leave any comments but aren’t registered yet still want me to know who they are, they’ll have to write in their name.

This blog has a handy archive and a blog search feature that actually works. Just type in any name or keyword or whatever, and if it’s in my blogs, it should find it. I’m not going to bother with tagging entries for now.

Ask was slightly glitchy when Andy and I signed up a few days ago, but sure enough, it’s got more problems now that we’re there. It functions ok but the background pictures aren’t showing up.

I’ve still got a lot of work to do on my blog. I’ve had it for a couple of years now but have accumulated tons of files that need to be deleted since MO has limited space usage. I was at 11% and now I’m down to 7%. For some reason, MO stores every picture you post in a giant file directory and it remains there even if you delete the posts. Well, I’ve deleted nearly 1000 posts since I first signed up there! Unfortunately, I have to go through and delete them one by one because I can’t seem to wipe out the root directory altogether.;(

It won’t let me change to my new email address either. As I said, this site isn’t perfect, but it’s better than Thoughts.

Ok, back to tweaking settings and seeing if this post will successfully auto-send to Twitter and Facebook, where I’m sharing more with the public now that my stalker has backed off.

Today’s Christiane’s birthday.

Later…

Still can’t figure out who’s been referring to me as “pretty lady” on the Q&A site. There were no pictures of me there before I recently posted a link to one of my photo albums, so that makes me wonder if it’s someone I know. Why would a random person refer to someone they’ve never seen at least a picture of as “pretty lady?”

Anyway, I’m now down to filling up just 4% space on MO as I continue deleting old stuff from the root directory.

A part of me wishes I could go and interview 4 or 5 people in whatever neighborhood we end up in to get their opinion on the area, but then I’d be just as bad as others who make unsolicited house visits.

The movie I saw the other night had a rat in it. Its name was Romeo. I think I just may name my next rat that if it’s a male. It made me a bit sad because I miss my rat.

Meanwhile, I have a temporary pet, LOL. Yeah, the adventures of living in the woods of the country never cease to exist. This cute little froggy decided to visit me in my bathroom at 2am. Scared the shit out of me at first because when I realized something was sitting on top of the can of crotch deodorizer, I thought it was a bee until I threw my glasses on.

It seemed rather brave and calm so I shot some pictures of it, though most aren’t very good. Then I trapped it with a beer mug I won a while back and almost squashed the poor little guy to death while I was at it. I know I’m going to have to let him go soon, though. I put a little water in the cup for him but I don’t exactly have the type of food he’d be interested in eating.

I didn’t realize they were this small unless it’s a baby. It’s not much bigger than the pet frogs we bought in Arizona, though those were aquatic. It hasn’t ribbeted yet and these things sure can be loud. They’re about as loud as the dogs, but for some reason, the sound of them never bothered me.

Later…

We turned the frog loose at first light this morning, so he’s back in the woods with his buddies.

Tom tried out his new $25 weed whacker. It seems to work just fine. He did the area surrounding the trailer to help keep ants away. We figure we’re gonna need the thing no matter where we live. I’m pretty sure that if we’re lucky enough to get into that adult community ground maintenance isn’t one of the amenities. I just hope we get in! Yes, the barking will probably be just as bad, and yes, we’ll probably be back with the car stereos, but at least it will be in a real house that isn’t an antique and won’t include the welfare bums, college kids, and large Mormon families with a kid at every age between 1 and 15.

Other than grocery shopping and getting $35 for the many cans Tom brought to the recycling place, it’s been a relaxing day for us. I slept most of it, but all I’m doing is laundry today. I’m not working out or cleaning anything. I’m just doing my hobbies and putting back on the 3 pounds I lost during the week, as usual. But I’m content and enjoying myself. :)

Although I slept 9 hours I slept horribly because I kept waking up for no apparent reason at all. Maybe that’s why I needed to sleep 9 hours instead of the usual 7-8. The first time I woke up it took me a while to get back to sleep.

If the dogs remain as quiet as they did last night, then this will be a record-breaking 4 weekends in a row that I didn’t have to have the sound machines on for 6-8 hours to drown them out.

Tom’s lungs are better now that he’s relaxed. The worst-case scenario is he’ll get an over-the-counter inhaler if he has to. That’s all a doctor would tell him to do anyway, though it hasn’t been that big a deal as of yet. Besides, so many of these doctors don’t have a clue what the hell they’re talking about anyway. Seriously, we’ve done just as good if not a better job of figuring out any minor problems we’ve had and what to do about them just by online research that mostly consists of forum discussions where people share their experiences.

I laughed when I read this lady said her doctor doubted fish oil caused her to have heavier periods and before they were due. There’s no doubt in my mind that that’s what screwed up my own cycle, which has been fine since I stopped the fish oil, and that it’s also what made Tom’s gums bleed. We threw the rest of the bottle away.

I also laughed when another doctor tried to tell someone else certain cramps brought on by running were from PMS. Let me guess… the doctor was a male, right?

Unless we’re seriously sick or in big-time pain and can’t figure it out for ourselves, we won’t be bothering with doctors, insured or not. I know it could be dangerous, especially for a woman, not to have regular check-ups, but hey, a meteorite could also come crashing down on us right now, too. I’ll take my chances. :)

So how did we get so well stocked in the Kleenex department? We have enough Kleenex to wipe every snot in the country!

Ask may be alive and kicking, but I’m really going to end up hating the hell out of Thoughts if they don’t get their shit together real damn soon. If it’s been so sluggish for this long, though, obviously they don’t mind or have any intentions of doing anything about the problem, so as soon as my tracking subscription expires, I will probably stick with MyOpera. Then again, I don’t know that I’m curious enough about my visitors to be that patient. I may leave Thoughts sooner. I’m getting really, really fed up. It’s impossible to enjoy the site at all!

If I stick with MO and turn it public again, I won’t want only cat pictures, so I would return to KB to create “cat copies” for Maliheh. The one I never seem to hear from anymore. I hope she’s just busy and that nothing’s wrong. If there is I hope she’ll tell me. Just because I may not be able to help doesn’t mean I’m not a good listener. :) It’s kind of obvious, though, that she planned this all along. I knew her promising to keep in touch was bullshit and that she would continue to go longer and longer between messages. Eventually, I won’t hear from her for a year. Then 2, then 3, then never.

Got a 5-minute engine-gunning spree from Jesse late yesterday afternoon and a few barks today. I really hope we get lucky enough to have 4 quiet weekend nights in a row! I’ll know how it’ll be tonight in 2-3 hours cuz he usually takes off between 7:30 - 8:30 if he’s gonna be gone all night.

I really hope some of the houses we looked at online aren’t just a dream! I’m really, really sick of this tiny old trailer no matter what you can or can’t hear in it. We totally deserve better than this!

Tom’s asthma has been bothering him due to how physical his job can be. It’s a different type of asthma than what I had. He never smoked and neither did his parents. So he doesn’t have the wheezing and tightness I’d get when I used to smoke and lived down in the desert. My lungs didn’t totally improve till I left Arizona. I swear I will never step foot in that state ever again even just to visit! But the only time I had any real problems since leaving it was when we moved into a duplex that had just laid down new carpet. It was a little scary the way I wheezed my ass off because I had long since abandoned any inhalers. Tom describes the feeling as being achy. Andy said sticking his face in a freezer would help, but he feels this pain all the time. He can’t stand with his face inside a freezer 24/7.

Later…

Thoughts has shown absolutely no desire whatsoever to fix the site issues it’s had for over a week now, and therefore I won’t be reading other people’s blogs and commenting on them. I’m sorry but all I can stand to do is just post my own entries and that’s it. I haven’t even changed backgrounds in a while. Just didn’t want my friends to think I was ignoring them because I’m not. I’m just so sick of this shit that I’m within inches of leaving that site altogether. This is why I left a couple of years ago – too much change, too many glitches. I have met a few nice people who are regular followers and so I will be sure to leave a link to wherever I go if I do end up leaving.

I’m amazed at just how much more active Ask is than Formspring was before a virus attacked it. Can’t have animated backgrounds there, but it’s cool to see all the questions and comments I get from both friends as well as anonymously. I still wonder who in the world my anonymous askers are. Alison said she never referred to me as “pretty lady” and I agree it doesn’t sound at all like anything she would say. It’s probably just some random guy. I don’t get the sense that I know the other anonymous people.

I’m glad Aly joined. I knew she would. Too bad Nane didn’t join. I knew she wouldn’t.

Didn’t think I’d hear from Nane today but she was kind enough to say goodnight. I had to tease her a bit too, of course.

So Alison was one of my anonymous questioners, LOL. I was just thinking it was Eileen or Jessica but most likely Paul when she gave me obvious enough clues, then fessed up on Twitter. It was still loads of fun, though. But who are my other anonymous interviewers?

Although chilly and wet, life is going well. Tom may not have the greatest job and he may never be a permanent employee and we may never be insured but life is otherwise wonderful. We’re healthy, saving tons of money, and looking way forward to moving.

But I am a natural worrywart so don’t be fooled into thinking I’m down or stressing in any way when I express concerns at times about things falling apart. I worry about that no matter what’s going on in our lives cuz that’s just how I am. But it’s true, I worry he’ll be laid off (though that much seems unlikely) and that it’ll take forever to find another job and our savings will be drained in a few months because of it and we’ll be back in the poorhouse. Could something up there hate us that much to let that happen? You bet! But I’m going to hope to hell it doesn’t.

Other than when Jesse came ATVing down here yesterday it’s been dead quiet for 3 days now. No barks, vehicles, saws… nothing.

Can’t sleep. Too much on my mind – the present, the future. The last thing I want is for Tom to be miserable in any way and so I worry the conditions at work will become just horrible for him. But at the same time, the thought of staying in this damn trailer another year or two to save enough money to get out of this damn state altogether makes my stomach turn. Most of our time in this state has sucked and I still regret coming here. Even so, we should just move as soon as we can and then if things don’t get better at work he can look for another job. He may still be older and white, but the economy is better now, so it shouldn’t take months for him to get something else if it got that bad.

I realize now more than ever that true security for us is just a dream whether we’re poor at the moment or we’re not. I want to just find the ideal rental and stay there for the rest of our lives! Or at least till he retires. Moving around was fun and adventurous for a while, but I’ve been moving every few months to every few years since I was 19 and I’m sick of it. It’s just that I had figured we’d stay in Cali at least till he retires and then head out of state when getting a job would no longer be an issue and we could get into a retirement community right away. Even if we had the 15K or so I’d feel comfortable moving with, it could take months for him to get a job in the new state and just about any decent adult community would probably want him to have a job for about a year before they rented to us. Then again we’ve gotten other rentals on jobs he’s had for just a few months, but a dumpy old rental in the mainstream of a small town is different than a decent rental in an adult community. They’re pickier.

I’ve known for about 5 years now that we’re not meant to have money. At my age, you have a good sense of what is and isn’t meant to be. Serious money isn’t one of them. So now that I know that just like God saw to it that Tom lost most of his pension, he’ll make sure my mother either drains her funds when her time comes on medical expenses or that my sister gets it all. More than likely, even if there’s no real cash on hand at the time, my sister will sell the condo, store and vehicles and keep the cash for herself. Sorry, but we’re all naturally selfish and I would do the same if I were the one in charge of things. But the point is that now that I know we’re not going to get anything inheritance-wise, that’s all the more reason we need to really watch our asses and not take any foolish risks. My mom’s not always going to be around to bail us out if we get in a jam again and I also don’t want to depend on anyone as a safety net. But who else would care enough to help us? Really, I wonder about this at times. If we were suddenly starving in the streets, whom do we know besides Tammy, Aly and Eileen that would give us a place to stay and food to eat till we got back on our feet again? It’s a scary question and I don’t know that I want to know the answer. On the other hand, I would still probably want to kill myself not just because of how miserable I’d be, but because I don’t like to put people out whether they want to help us or not. So I would off myself for their sake as well as mine. I just hope I’m never ever in that kind of a situation to actually learn who would do what for sure. We were scarily close enough last fall.

It may be foolish, as Andy, who I really REALLY wish would stop making me feel like he’s implying I’m a liar like he sometimes does by contradicting or arguing a fact that I’ll tell him about Tom or myself, said in regards to worrying about when we get old, but I can’t help it. I do worry that we’re gonna get fucked out of our retirement money. I do worry they’ll do away with Medicare. I do worry we’ll get to the point where we have no one to help us with the important things.

sighs There’s being smart and then there’s being miserable and sometimes being smart makes you miserable. Meaning that it would be smart to rent a cheap little apartment and stay there for the rest of our lives. But I would be totally miserable. Living attached to others simply isn’t for me. I wish to hell I could snap my fingers and make myself like the idea of an apartment. I’d move into one in a heartbeat if I could only make myself stand the noise! There we would never have to worry about taking care of the grounds and of course things would be fixed for us when they broke. But I wouldn’t get much sleep either or much peace when I was awake, so what would be the point?

Oh well. I am who I am. I also worry about Tom. I don’t want him to be miserable himself but I don’t want to stick around here longer than necessary or venture too far away too soon. I’d want to have way more money than we could need but that would mean sticking around here longer than necessary and I’m not sure a tropical climate would be right for us. I’m curious about it, yes, and I’d like to try it. I miss the beach and Florida’s beaches are much prettier than New England’s, IMO. But there are hurricane risks and immense humidity, and I’ve also heard that allergies are a real nightmare there. So I don’t know what to do or how much of a choice we’ll even have in the first place.

Later…

So I’ve had life’s usual doubts and worries on my mind. But as Tom pointed out, he could always get another job if things get that bad at his current job and it’s looking like that’s what he’ll end up doing because it’s looking more and more like they lied to him about being hired on. I think the poor guy’s destined to be forever a temp! When they told him he got the job he applied for we thought they’d make it official within a week or two, but here he is, still a temp, WTF??? sighs I’m just sick of losing and being lied to. This job looked so promising in so many ways. BUT…it is good pay, it’s better than nothing, and our savings is climbing fast. We should have way more than we need to move with. We were checking out rentals on Craigslist and he saw an ad for what seemed like a really good job, but he needs to update his résumé first. He said he’ll do that this weekend.

We saw an ad for a 1000-sq-ft, 2-bedroom, 2-bath house in a gated adult community with pools, tennis courts and other amenities for $950. That’s only $125 more than this tiny trailer that includes nothing but a noisy, pest of a landlord. The only thing I’ll miss here is not having anyone able to drive by or live so damn close to us. Tom thinks that an adult community may have as many loud car stereos as the mainstream because those entering these places these days were more from the time when they first hit the scene (I always did say each generation gets louder and less considerate), and therefore the rules there as far as noise goes may differ from the type of retirement community my mom’s in.

I see his point, but I sure hope not! Wouldn’t that defeat the whole purpose of having an adult community in the first place? I guess to some people the idea is just to live with people their own age and not to seek out a quieter place. But even if there were just as many car stereos, I still find it awfully hard to believe they’d be allowed to leave their dogs outside round the clock like used old furniture. I would think they’d need to be brought indoors as household pets only. But we do live in an area where most people think it’s wrong to bring dogs indoors, so we’ll see. Worst case scenario I can at least have peace of mind in knowing that the Brady Bunch isn’t going to move in next to us, and neither will half a dozen college kids.

1000 square feet would be about as low as I’d like to go space-wise, and would actually be pretty ideal for us. It would give us enough space but not be too much to heat and cool.

We were reminiscing and laughing our asses off at some of the fun and funny experiences we’ve had in the various states we’ve lived in. It was a perfect reminder that life wasn’t all bad for us and I’m sure we’ll have more fun times in the future. I’m trying to get in the habit of thinking good thoughts after I worry about something negative. Every time I think of something that’s bad or an annoyance in our life or that we’re lacking, I try to think of things that make me laugh and smile.

Ask was loads of fun today, though I can’t figure out for the life of me who asked me some of the anonymous questions I was asked today. Every time I thought I had it figured out, I was back to guessing and wondering. I love these games, LOL. They’re fun and interesting and I love a good mystery, but I’m also curious. There are so many people it could be – Nane, Maliheh and any number of my Facebook friends. They’re the only ones that know about my account there.

The question about the ukulele made me think of Maliheh. The “What is up pretty lady?” made me think of Nane, but that would also be something that might come from Paul or Adonis. The questions about whether I like beer and ever tried yoga could be anyone. They last said they were hurt I hadn’t guessed who they were but never identified themselves. Other “suspects” include Alison, Lori, Cindy, Becky and Dorene. I tried to study writing styles, but they could change that to throw me off their scent. I asked Lori if it were her and she said she’d never heard of the site before. Oh well. Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow.

As for Medicare, Tom explained to me why there’s no need to worry about it running out (some new article he read) when we’re old enough for it, but I forgot what he said, LOL. Fewer people are having kids and the change in the population density is a big part of what’s messed it up. But it recently took in something like 9 billion more dollars than it put out, so that’s good.

At around 5pm this afternoon, just when I was thinking how utterly amazing it was that I hadn’t heard Jesse or his mutts in two days, he came buzzing down on the ATV. But not to bug us with anything; he just wanted to get something from his shit pile. It was so nice for a while there not hearing him. I hadn’t heard one single sound. Obviously, he and his mutts haven’t been around. If he were around I’d hear him. If he weren’t around but the dogs were, I’d hear them. But oh what peace of mind comes with knowing we shouldn’t be here much longer! I giggled to myself thinking how bummed out he’d be if he knew we were looking at rentals that very moment.

It rained on and off today, though it was nothing serious. Still, it was like waking up to a whole different season at 11am today. Where it had been warm and sunny, it was cool and cloudy. It’s supposed to be even cooler tomorrow, and after not needing any heat for days, we’re certainly going to need it tonight. Then the heat will return. :)

Been up for hours yet still haven’t gotten an entry in yet. That’s because I was working out and then got into a discussion with Nane via email and then Andy and I goofed off at our newest playground.

Andy and I mostly use Ask to keep in touch and share graphics. We change background pictures constantly. We have a lot of private jokes and shit that most people wouldn’t get, LOL. I’m going to try talking Nane into joining. We’d both love it if she did and Andy promised to let her get used to him slowly even if she’s already used to my crazy weirdness. She already asked me a question and says she’ll check into it, so I’d say her interest is piqued at least a little. :)

We’re getting a little concerned about Tom’s job. Not that they’re going to lay him off or anything like that, but because they’ve been stringing him along about being hired on, and ever since they moved him to a different department, the job’s been a nightmare.

When they told him he got the job he applied for, we assumed he would be officially hired within a week or two of being notified. But here he is, still technically a temp, and being told by the supervisor that he’s “pushing” to get him hired on, WTF???

To make matters worse, there’s some kid in the department he’s in now that only shows up when he feels like it and so Tom has to do all his heavy lifting and is getting yelled at for this other cock’s work not being done at certain times. Finally, he went to the supervisor about it who “said” he’d do something about it, but we’ll see.

As I told Tom, the last thing I want is for him to be miserable in any way, so if we have to stay here a little longer to save up even more to move out of this damn state, we will. The easiest thing would be to hope things get better for him and they put their actions where their mouths are and hire him on, then move this summer closer to where he works. We’re never going to get a 401K going if all he can be for the rest of his life is a temp.

But where would we go if we left this state? Well, I don’t think I’d ever want to live in any kind of a desert ever again and have to deal with the incredibly dry skin and lips that go with years of living in such acrid conditions, though it’d be better than this place, I suppose. I still like the idea of going tropical, though neither of us would care for the humidity, Florida’s job market may be just as bad, and I will NOT move with just a few grand or less after the disaster we went through moving to Oregon and then here.

Anyway, Nane told me a secret that I promised never to reveal. I’m big on keeping promises too, so no matter how much she may piss me off in the future, my lips are sealed. She said that when she knew Irene in NY, she was never skinny but had a positive vibrancy about her and they were good friends. But now she looks like a beached whale. She made me promise not to tell her that because she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. She said she doesn’t usually like to talk about others behind their backs but this was an exception. Anyway, she went down to Salzburg a few years ago to visit her. Irene picked her up at the train station looking a little dumpy, but she didn’t mind. Then they went back to her apartment and talked and then her BF came over, whom she thought was a real nerd. Then they decided to go out that night and Nane was shocked that Irene was willing to go out in the same spotted sweatshirt she’d worn all day. So they go to a few bars which they had to leave cuz the BF complained it was too smoky. Finally, they find an Irish pub they all liked and the BF announces that they’ll leave at 10:30. So not only was Nane a bit bummed out she couldn’t spend at least the first night alone with Irene catching up on old times but that they had to pack it in so early on a Saturday night.

She said Christiane is a very outgoing person with lots of charisma, and although she’s a few years older, she gets hit on all the time. They used to visit each other every few months but since they both got BFs, not as much. She says Leipzig is a “great place to party” unlike Munich, which is snobby. She said she only moved to Munich because her family had moved down there while she was in NY. I guess she’s originally from Frankfurt. It’s funny hearing one in their 50s talk of partying. There’s nothing wrong with it, but when I think of partygoers, I think of those in their 20s and 30s. Again, she would make such a horrible GF, LOL.

I won a bottle of nail polish on Facebook, but am not at all impressed with the color of it which reminds me of kidney beans. I’ll leave it here for Jesse. :)

I see Thoughts is still running in slow motion. After a week of this shit, I guess it’s safe to assume it isn’t going to end anytime soon. It’s a shame some sites just can’t get their shit together while most other sites seem to have no problem keeping things running smoothly. Oh well. If I get that fed up with moving like a snail I can always stick to just MyOpera.

I was laughing when I saw that we were nearly 50° warmer than Nane at 6pm our time yesterday. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Nane yet today, though not too surprised. She’s usually on more at night from home than in the daytime from work.

What does surprise me was that last weekend was the third weekend in a row that the dogs didn’t go ballistic for 8-10 hours at night. Jesse either stayed in or had someone there keeping them quiet.

Like I do every single weekend, I ate back on the weight I lost during the week. Obviously, my weight and appearance can’t matter that much to me since I keep doing this over and over, LOL. I think most of us become less picky about appearance with age.

Had a nice chat on FB with Adonis. He really is a cool guy.

Later…

I’m giving Thoughts exactly one week to get back up to full speed. If it’s not there come next Monday, I’ll just return to MyOpera. I’m actually updating that blog again; only it’s ‘friends only’ and I’m heading all the entries with cat pics for Maliheh who likes cats.

Working out has given me stamina but not energy lately. Meaning, I have the stamina to walk long distances if I suddenly had to but am lacking in energy on an overall basis. Maybe that’s because my weight’s up a bit. IDK, I just have one of those bodies that no matter how much you diet and exercise it, it never loses more than a few pounds. It gets strong and fit, but never thin. It annoys me, though, when I feel sluggish for seemingly no reason at all. I suppose caffeine would help, but too much caffeine makes my boobs sore, especially when I’m close to my period, and it also makes it harder for me to fall asleep. I usually have a hard enough time as it is in that department.

I also seem to be bored more often despite the fact that there’s plenty to do and I still keep busy. I did some paid surveys earlier but am caught up on the house cleaning and laundry for now. Wish I could motivate myself to work on my book a little more, but I’ve been lacking ambition in that area for a few months now. I think Renting Ginny was it for me but since no one wants to pay for their reading material these days (including me) I don’t currently have any plans to publish it. Now the only question is whether or not to pull my other two books off the market or just let them sit there.

As they say, we can waste our time looking for what isn’t meant to be or we can focus our energies on what is meant to be. If that’s taking care of the place, getting paid to do surveys, and enjoying a few hobbies, then I can’t complain too much. I suppose a lot of people would gladly swap shoes with me even if I’m not “allowed” to generate much money. But am I still allowed to win it? We’ll find out once we move!

The dogs were making up for lost barking time. The Jes pest left at around 11:00 and I thought that given the time of day and year, they’d shut up shortly after he left, but they didn’t. I know one thing for sure and that’s that the more I learn about Jesse, the more I dislike the guy. His almost losing the place goes beyond being rude and inconsiderate to us by allowing his dogs to carry on while he’s out and not calling before coming down. He literally and foolishly risked his well-being AND ours when he was behind when all he had to do was sell the damn Harley. That would’ve solved his problems right there, but no, the little boy just couldn’t part with his toy. And because of it, we could’ve been forced to end it the same as we almost had to on account of our lovely government. Only I’d have gone out less than peacefully if I knew for sure that he could’ve prevented it.

I’m just as sick of this place as I am of him. The lack of space, outlets, oldness, ugliness, etc. But can we really rent something newer and nicer? Or is that just a dream? The ads we saw suggest it isn’t, but if there are any hidden catches we probably won’t know about it till we actually start looking and that probably won’t be till late June to early July.

Sometimes I wonder why I have such conflicting emotions about myself and my life. Am I just some kind of nut or something, LOL, or does everyone have such back-and-forth views of themselves and their lives? I know I’m looking good for a woman my age yet I feel so fat and ugly at the same time. I know I’m not dumb yet I feel dumb at times. I feel both blessed and cursed. I am fit and healthy yet disfigured (my left ear) and not at all “normal” on account of my sleep disorder. I have ideas yet lack ambition. I have many things, both material and not, yet feel empty and like I’m lacking something I can’t even figure out.

I may not be rich and I may not live in the perfect place, but I have almost everything a person could ask for in life. I have someone that loves me unconditionally. I have good friends. I have good health. I have food to eat. I have a roof over my head. I am not blind, paralyzed, or anything like that despite the conditions and shortcomings I do have. I have things I enjoy doing. I am able to learn just about anything given the proper tools and desire. Yet sometimes I still feel like I’m missing out on something in life, and I don’t know if it’s just one thing or multiple things. If I knew what the hell it was in the first place, then perhaps I could count them. I still feel “different” and even “abnormal” in some ways that go beyond special, unique or eccentric.

Andy suggested I meet friends in my area. Great idea, but not that easy. I suppose it’s different for different people but I was never one that could just “make” certain things happen just because I may want them to. They either happen when they’re meant to happen if they’re meant to happen, or they don’t happen at all. I couldn’t make love come any sooner than it did. I didn’t make myself fall for Teddy Bear and Nane. I don’t make myself attracted to or not attracted to various kinds of looks, music, tastes and colors. And just like I could never control when and if love, lust and whatever would happen, I can’t just wake up one day and decide to make a damn good friend here in town. When I meet people (mostly online these days), they are where they happen to be and so far they haven’t come any closer than Nebraska. Most are between 3000-6000 miles.

I will admit I liked the idea of having foreign friends with me being into different languages and all that. Nane and I never would’ve met had I not been a member of Live Mocha. I will also admit that for years I was glad that none of my friends were local because I prefer to keep in touch with people online and didn’t want people coming to our door whenever they happen to feel like it. We get enough of that shit from our landlord. If it were an emergency, that’d be one thing, but I simply haven’t had any desire to meet people in person. The idea doesn’t scare me; it just doesn’t interest me. Because I don’t have an outside job, I only interact with people when I’m out doing errands or eating out somewhere anyway.

I’ve never in my life been a people person in general, and I’ve never liked the idea of potential trouble so close to home even though I know I could just not have anything to do with someone I may end up disliking. But sometimes I do think it would be nice to have a close friend nearby. One who wasn’t crazy or a pest of any kind and who only called when they wanted something. As a bonus, it would be a woman I was attracted to. But this is something that’s in fate’s hands. Intentionally trying to seek out a local friend won’t get me anywhere any more than trying to find love or just sex like I used to in the 90s got me anywhere. Hell, I can’t even find objects around here when I actually try to find them, LOL. I only come across them by accident when I’m looking for something else I can’t find. So there’s no way I’m going to actively try to seek out this lady friend who, even if she’s an ugly dog, isn’t crazy or pesky in any real way. Should we happen to accidentally meet like most of my other friends, fine. And in an adult community, we might do just that. You never know.

On the other hand, maybe it’s not that I’m missing anything at all. Maybe I just need to readjust and redefine some of what I’ve already got. I don’t know for sure. I have a lot of unanswered questions. Like why the hell a 120-calorie yogurt with a cup of coffee puts a pound on me? Seriously, I could literally maintain my weight on just coffee alone!

OMG, it’s already after 5pm! Where did all the time go? Tom should be home any sec now.

Later…

Andy left Thoughts due to the glitches. I don’t know if it’s caused by BOTS or incompetent Thought staff site workers. I just know it’s annoying as hell. But I put up with it because I like the site despite its sluggishness, met some nice people, and have already given the new link out to others. I’d hate to have to redirect them yet again, though more than likely I’d just bounce back to my old MyOpera blog and set that to public. MyOpera has the same security levels per post as Thoughts so I could still write about private things and keep them private if I wanted to.

I don’t think Thoughts really appealed all that much to Andy in the first place. That’s why he not only joined Ask but so did I. I had an account there way back when but then I deactivated it. I like it better than Formspring except for one small thing and that’s that it won’t let me use animated pictures for backgrounds.

I gave the link to Maliheh, Nane, Christiane, Adonis, and also posted it on my Facebook wall.

Well, this is gonna be sort of a nothing entry because there’s nothing really new to update on.

Let’s see…it almost hit 90° here yesterday. It will be in the 80s today, 70s the next two days, then the 60s and then the 50s as the rains make it back in to silence Jesse. Like I said, if it weren’t for propane costs I’d be fine with it raining every day that we’re still here. It’s the only thing that keeps him away and quiet. I’m still going to have to listen to that insanely loud truck soon enough, though, no matter what the weather.

Andy and I were wondering how he came up with the money to catch up on payments, and Tom reminded me that he was trying to get on disability due to his bad back. It’s a shame he can’t weed on account of his back but can still build engines and do other loud shit. But more than likely, he received a decent-sized check with back payments going back to when he applied. Still, it was a helluva stupid risk to take by not simply getting rid of the Harley. He risked his own well-being and ours unnecessarily cuz he just couldn’t part with his precious toy. Or any of his other vehicles.

Thoughts is finally running snappier and I hope it stays that way! It was so frustrating when it was running like a snail for the last several days. Reminded me of the old dial-up connection we had about 13 years ago.

I was pleasantly surprised with a message from Nane, letting me know she’s got the Internet hooked up again. She doesn’t usually contact me on weekends unless it’s Sunday night her time and Jim has left because he had the early shift the next day. She said they were on their way to see a movie and would probably talk to me tomorrow. Well, I’ll be asleep while she’s at work, but should catch her at home.

Nane didn’t shut down her LiveMocha account after all. She just had me blocked for a while after I pulled the “Turkish prank.”

I awoke from a nightmare at 3am last night. I was propped up in bed reading in what looked like a real house. It seemed nice enough, spacious enough, and like it may’ve been some sort of a ranch-style house. The bedroom I was reading in was in back of the house. I heard a door click shut somewhere within the house and called out to Tom. But Tom didn’t answer. So I got up and walked down a hallway and into the living room. The front door was to my right and the kitchen and other rooms were to my left. I heard and saw no one. Then I looked at the clock which said 2:30. Realizing that whoever was in the house couldn’t be Tom since he wouldn’t be off work that early, I woke up as I was debating whether or not to go in search of whoever was in the house or run outside since I had no way of knowing if they had a gun or anything like that.

It’s a beautiful sunny, warm day out there today. Other than hearing Jesse leave on the motorcycle once, it’s been very quiet. He was saying how much he too, hates the city and couldn’t stand it. Then he goes on to say how quiet it is here and all that, and I’m thinking to myself, well, of course it’s quiet to you. You’re the one making 99.9% of the racket around here, you can’t hear your own mutts bark when you’re gone, so of course it’s quite as far as you’re concerned.

Yesterday was a long, frustrating day, but things could be worse than having to be annoyed and inconvenienced. Tom was annoyed and inconvenienced by coworkers telling him to do things a certain way that was wrong, then turning around and asking why did he it wrong. Because they told him to – duh!

I was annoyed and inconvenienced by pesky Jesse who came down 4 times yesterday. The last time was at 4pm to see if the cooler was leaking. It hasn’t leaked since he adjusted things, but I’m not looking forward to next Tuesday. That’s when he’ll be waking me up when he comes down to spray weed killer at 9am. I may be up then, but I don’t think I will be. He said Monday he’s got to help a buddy so he won’t be able to do it then. It’s supposed to rain at the end of the week, so maybe he’ll put it off. He already did some spraying, but maybe the rain doesn’t affect that stuff.

Andy and I were both wondering what he did to catch up on his payments. What I wonder is why he didn’t just sell the damn Harley. He said something about taking out loans.

The only funny thing he said was that Maryann wrecked his truck. I wonder why he loaned it to her in the first place. I know she’s had a truck of her own, plus a car. Either way, it seems no one in that family can drive. First Jesse trashed his nicer, newer truck, and then she trashes his old dumpy truck. The motor he built for it was why I was hearing all that engine gunning that was so damn loud and obnoxiously annoying. He said the engine is in the shop being painted right now which explains why all I’ve heard lately is the ATV and motorcycle. Not sure why you’d want to paint an engine that’s just going to go inside a vehicle or how he got the money to build and paint it if he’s had it so rough financially, but I’ll just enjoy the peace until it’s back here and he’s coming and going 3-6 times a day in the damn thing.

Lately, I’ve been doing everything in calories instead of types of foods and time. Instead of concentrating on eating certain foods, though I do eat healthy most of the time, I just try to stick to 1300 calories a day. And instead of saying I’ll work out for a half-hour or an hour, I just try to burn 300 calories a day. It’s still a bit soon to say if it’s going to cause a significant drop in my weight over time, but one thing I do know for sure is that I could never gain this way!

Today I’m taking a break from both work and exercise. Other than just a few loads of laundry, I’m going to relax and pig out. Tom’s working half a day today so he’ll be bringing KFC on the way back.

Tom also had a bad experience with the fish oil. He doesn’t have a uterus, so obviously he couldn’t have early and fierce periods like I did, but it made his gums bleed. So the stuff was a definite waste of money and we trashed what was left.

Later on, he’s going to go up and check for any more hives in the cooler and really spray the hell out of it. Another yellow jacket made it in here yesterday that I almost stepped on. Usually, they’re in the windows, but not this one. I might also get one of those bright yellow jacket catchers you trap them in. We had one when we were in the woods of Oregon and they work well. Yellowjackets never climb downward for some reason so that’s why they’re easy to trap. They climb through the holes in the bottom of the tube.

So, so glad my best bud Andy joined Thoughts! It may be a little weird for him at first and take him a while to get used to, but I think he’ll agree it’s better than Formspring. He left there due to a virus on the site. I left there months ago due to tons of glitches, too much change and just not finding it much fun anymore. Then when I went to reactivate my old account it wouldn’t let me. I was going to create a new one through Facebook, but I think I’ll pass.

Thoughts is glitchy too at times and has been frustratingly slow for a few days now, but you can do so much more here than on Formspring.

Later…

Seriously starting to wonder if Jesse’s going to drive me insane-asylum-crazy before we can move with all his damn repairs, racket and whatnot. I’m so sick of nothing but old places! He’s already been down 3 times today. Even though I was wide awake, it’s usually not much fun having to deal with pesky landlords and things that need to be fixed. But that’s just the thing. There is sooo much that needs to be done around here. I’m starting to worry he’s going to be down here almost every single day that we’re still here.

A part of me is glad he came down today because he found another hive in the cooler that he apparently missed. There have definitely been a lot of bees hanging around here lately.

First he comes down, checks the cooler and decides we need a new float cuz of the water overflowing and dripping. He’s afraid it will dry up his precious well. He sprayed the other hive and said he’d be back later or tomorrow because he was tired after spraying 15 gallons of Round-Up on various parts of the land. So was I. I had worked out for an hour, scrubbed the bathroom, and done a few loads of laundry. By then I just wanted to get off my feet and relax. I’m thinking of maybe doing my workouts closer to the end of my day rather than the beginning as they’re more tiring than I realize.

No sooner had I sat down did the bastard come back wanting to know why the cooler rattles. So I had to stand there playing the on/off game for him while he investigated. I told him the rattle didn’t bother us because it’s not that loud but he’s decided it needs new bushings, whatever the fuck that means.

So off he goes again and once again I go to relax. Sure enough, back down he buzzes as soon as my ass hits the chair. There’s a white pipe that was hooked to the ditch. Well, he said it wasn’t good anymore but could use the pipe for other things, so he tied one end of a rope to the pipe and the other to the hitch on the ATV and drove it up and away. The back of it got hung up on a branch, but I freed and straightened it out for him.

Coolers, weeds, floors, painting, valves, roofs - aaarrrggghhh! I am going to be seeing so much of this pest while we’re still here. :( The days of him being heard but not seen are over. God, I hope we really do get out of here this summer! And I hope that if it isn’t any quieter wherever we go it’s bigger and newer. I am just so sick of old places and all their problems. Okay, so the electrical has been good to us. The roof hasn’t leaked. The stove and refrigerator have held up nicely. But just about everything else in this place has had a problem. The heater, the cooler, faucets, pipes, pressure tanks, and soon the roof will become a problem if he doesn’t deal with it this year like he said he’s going to. He also needs to throw some plywood underneath the floor of the kitchen where the insulation has fallen out. Ugh, it never ends! I’m glad we don’t have to pay for all these damn repairs or take the time to fix them ourselves, but we still have to deal with it to a degree, and I just miss being in newer places anyway. They’re nicer looking, IMO, and I can’t wait to have more space and an extra bathroom again! Just having a place to hook up a full-size washer and dryer that’s always ready and available will be quite a luxury after living like bums for so damn long.

Another thing he told me when we got into a discussion about how rough things were a while back is that he almost lost this place and was 6 months behind on payments. Thank God I did NOT know that on top of fearing we ourselves wouldn’t make it!!! I wondered about this, but had I known for sure just how close to the edge he was swimming as well, it just may’ve been rather unbearable.

This morning I was in excruciating pain. I jumped on the treadmill and started running at a comfortable 4-MPH pace. That speed is more like jogging than running and so it’s easier on the joints and easier to sustain. Once I’d been going steadily for 15 minutes, I was proud of my efforts and that my joints weren’t sore at all. Next thing I know I’ve got this sensation that feels like slight period cramps. I slowed to a 3-MPH walk, but the cramping worsened. Finally, I had to stop 100 calories short of my daily 300-burn goal. A few minutes later I was in utter agony as a result of not drinking enough water beforehand and the intestines trying to suck up water that wasn’t there. I thought I was over this kind of thing and that I drank enough before I hopped on, but apparently not. The pain seemed to last forever, though it couldn’t have been more than 15-20 minutes. Then it stopped as if by a magic switch.

I read up on the subject since the pain feels like intense period cramps like what I’d get in my teens and 20s, and most suggest it was due to not drinking sufficient fluids before and during the workout. When we sweat the body loses electrolytes, which are essential for proper organ function. Another one in the forum says: Ladies, you are not crazy and regardless of what the doctor says it’s not PMS. You are having uterine contractions. Yes, the same uterine contractions that you have during labor. This is brought on by a combination of electrolyte imbalance and strain/jarring on the uterus and the muscles around it.

This is why I’d only go to a doctor for an emergency, even if I know I should take preventative measures and go for regular check-ups because so many of them are quacks that don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. Still, I should have drunk more water beforehand. From now on I’ll really guzzle up good before workouts even if it means having to pause the routine to piss some of it off.

Jesse came down shortly after I called up to him and removed the old pads and belt from the cooler to get it ready for the upcoming heat. He’s going to be back in an hour or so to vacuum out leaves and shit and to load it up with a new belt and pads.

Sure enough, he again mentioned having to do the roof this summer and I silently prayed he’d wait till we got out of here. I let him know it hadn’t been leaking at all.

He mentioned having his nephew do the weeding and explained to him that it wasn’t that Tom had forgotten, but has been working so much OT lately. It’s 50/50 as to whether or not he’ll work this Saturday, though. Something he both wants and doesn’t want to do. We love the money but need to start getting some things done around here in order to get ready to move. As it is we have a whole car full of bags of soda cans to bring to the recycling center. We’ve got so many damn cans that they’ll probably pay the Internet bill! But since Jesse has a bad back and can’t even do his own weeding, he said not to worry about it; we don’t have to do it. So that’s nice to know even if it means the nephew may come when I’m sleeping and wake me up.

Instead of just coming out and asking when and if he was ever going to shut the fuck up, I commented about hearing all kinds of “bumps, bangs, saws and loud vehicles” lately and asked if someone was building something in back. He did acknowledge the saw fanatics up at the summit who’d been working on something (though I haven’t heard them lately), then said he built a new motor for his truck and that would’ve made a lot of racket.

Like I said, this guy’s always got something going on. It’s just one project after another with him. :(

Last night at 3am Tom said a skunk came around and that the place wreaked horribly of it and he was surprised it didn’t wake me up. It probably would have had I slept with the window open, but last night I didn’t. He sucked some of the smell out with the stove fan.

After being outside where it stinks even more, I swear I smell like a skunk now.;( Thank God for incense! I guess Whiskey got sprayed cuz when they chased the ATV down here, the first thing Jesse did was warn me not to touch the dogs, especially Whiskey. I don’t usually mind lavishing them with attention when I see them, but half the time the damn mutts are filthy in some way or another.

Later...

Even though it’s just past the middle of my day I’m pretty beat already. After running and then dealing with that horrible pain on top of everything else I’ve been doing around here, I feel more like it’s the end of my day.

Jesse returned an hour later and put the new belt and pads on the cooler. Not at all surprisingly, a wasp hive was in the corner of it and so he sprayed it and then knocked it down on the ground near where I stood. It sort of felt like wet cardboard with holes punched into it when I stepped on it. With sneakers on, of course. Since the pads are made of aspen I just love the woodsy smell in here after getting new pads. Smells like I’m in the middle of a lumber factory. Sure makes a hell of a dusty mess, though, when you first turn the cooler on. All that dusting I did yesterday and this morning was a waste, particularly the areas in line with the cooler.

He’s going to be back later on to replace a valve, even though he’s primarily a morning person. He spends the afternoons drinking, so he told me. Yeah, but he’s still outside too often and making too much of a racket whenever it’s light out and not in the 90s or raining. He does make most of his ruckus in the mornings, though. He said he gets up at 5am – 6am. sighs I wish I could crash and get up at the same time every day. I’d probably sleep from 11pm – 7am so I could be available during the daytime for anything that may come up.

Other than setting up the thermostat, the damn cooler should be set for the year, but jeez. Valves, weeding, spraying, roofing, and God knows what else he’s going to do around here before we get out of here! This heap of shit needs a paint job like flowers need water. We agreed not to tell him we’ll probably move this summer so that if he has a close friend or family member who suddenly needs the place, we won’t be rushed out of here sooner than necessary. Again, we can’t bump up Tom’s DOB. If it weren’t for that, I’d tell him to hold off the roof if possible. I almost slipped when he asked if we had a vacation planned at any point (so he could do it then) and said, “No, but we’re about 100 days or less from getting the fuck out of here, so why don’t you just wait.”

He said that at night when Whiskey was tied up a skunk came up to him and sprayed him, LOL. Yeah, and the mutt made my clothes smell of skunks too, so I changed as soon as they left.

I hear him coming back in on the Harley right now. Now he’ll go pick up his kid, then I’ll see them soon enough, assuming he really is going to take care of the valve today, though it’s not critical.

Heard from my German hottie, but she still doesn’t have Internet service at home just yet. She had hoped to this week and that the renovating would be done, but she still checks in from work on most days and is still behaving too, LOL. I don’t know for how long, though.

She said a friend came over last night with big-time relationship problems and they ended up getting a little drunk. I could tell by her typing that she wasn’t quite with it. In love with her BF or not, I wonder just what they did last night, LOL, and if they “misbehaved” in any way. Hey, if the chick is bi like Nane (though Nane might not admit she’s bi as obvious as it is) and if they’re attracted to each other, well, they’re only human. I told her I’m not much of a drinker but I might be tempted to get slightly smashed myself if I spent the night with her. :)

Worked out for an hour this morning. Spent 15 minutes doing my arms and abs, then another 45 walking and running. I then showered and ate. Once I replenish my energy with a little relaxation time I’m going to do some dusting and vacuuming. No fun at all. But it’s got to be done.

As expected this week, Jesse spent a few hours yesterday bulldozing the drive. He didn’t come down here, though he’s going to have to come down sometime over the next few days. He’ll probably want to vacuum leaves and shit like that out of the cooler. It also needs a new belt.

Andy reminded me that revenge on Jesse isn’t worth it and how karma comes back to get us and all that, but as I assured him, I have no desire for any “revenge.” I just want to move, that’s all. I’m smart enough to know that pesky worms are better stepped over than stepped on, but a noisy landlord isn’t the only reason we’re moving. We’ve just totally outgrown this place and I’m sick to death of the lack of space and just one bathroom. I hate waking up having to pee to find him in the shower or something. I can’t wait to have more space, closets, counter space, and outlets!

I called Mom but she seemed in a hurry to rush me off, saying these calls were costing me money. I reminded her that I have free long distance but would be happy to let her go if she were busy. I just wanted to see how she was feeling and if she was curious to hear what I learned from the census thing. She said she was doing ok, trying to get some paperwork done, thanked me for calling, and that was it. She’s probably sick of everyone calling so often to check up on her so I won’t call her again till Mother’s Day next month.

If things are going as well as they have been with seemingly no end in sight anytime too soon, then why do I continue to have so many dreams of doom and gloom? Can’t I have fun dreams more often? Strange dreams? Wet dreams? Interesting dreams? Instead, I’m either held captive somewhere against my will (usually in jails or funny farms), stuck in hotels, or having dreams that seem to deal with loss and poverty.

In last night’s dream, we were so poor that we “lost” everything but the bed. People came and took everything else we owned like the people that go out and repossess cars. I know it makes no sense and is a silly dream, but the only good to having such dismal dreams like this is waking up to know it was just a dream. As in most dreams, the place we lived in didn’t look like this place. I tried to hide some things but they found and took them anyway. All that was left was the bed, plus these two twin beds that supposedly came with the place.

I told Tom about it when I got up and he said, “Everything’s fine. In fact, the only thing that’s not good right now is that I’m making so much money that I can’t be around for you.”

LOL, it’s true that he sure is out a lot since he’ll be working 6 days a week for a while. Some lady is out having surgery so that’s part of why. We love the money but it sucks that he has so little free time. As for me, I’m fine on my own. I’ve always preferred to spend most of my time alone anyway. That’s why I dread the idea of when he retires as much as I look forward to it, LOL.

A couple of nights ago I dreamt I was in some sort of strange jail or funny farm. Rows of maybe 3-5 beds that were these skinny little cots stretched down a long, wide corridor. I was at the end of one row by the open part of the corridor. I got up in the middle of the night because I had to pee. The corridor was dimly lit but I could see my way down to where it formed a T just fine. I stumbled toward the top of the T and took a right. As I approached the bathroom that had about half a dozen toilets in it I reached for the light switch. Though the light never came on, I could see 3 or 4 women cleaning the bathroom. Why they were cleaning in the dark, I don’t know. One of them said, “We should be done in about 6 minutes.”

My bladder wasn’t going to wait that long so I headed for the staff’s bathroom at the other end of the top of the T, hoping no one would see me as I slipped into the tiny room with the single toilet.

Later…

I was sitting here doing some self-reflecting and I realized that only a small part of me is the same person I was 25 years ago. I think a lot more of me has changed, though I’d like to think it’s for the better. I have become more open and tolerant to certain things, but there’s also an awful lot of shit I wouldn’t put up with these days like the old me would, particularly when it comes to what types of people I’d hang out with. On or offline, there’s no way I’d associate with losers like Fran and “Nervous” these days. Or bigots. Especially the kind that have the nerve to tell you you’re wrong for being who you are. I don’t care if someone disagrees with anything I say, think or do. Everybody has a right to hate, like and love whatever and whoever. But I have to wonder why I ever put up with so much shit from certain people in the past. Why did I bother with the types of people I wouldn’t even stop to so much as glance at in this day and age?

I was in my early 20s when I was living on Oswego Street in Springfield, MA. I was too nice, too forgiving, and too tolerant in a way that I was severely lacking in self-respect. There are things to tolerate and then there are times to put your foot down and wash your hands clean of certain individuals in the name of self-respect. Take a woman who tolerates abuse, for example. Is she just tolerant? Or does she have no self-respect for herself whatsoever? A lack of respect for one’s self is a trait I typically look down upon. I don’t like to see it in others and I don’t like to see it in myself. Other people have a right to be that way or to change it if they see fit, and no one can make them change but themselves. But I could change that in myself and I did, mostly through getting fed up with certain assholes after dealing with them one too many times. As I said before, we all have our limits.

I’d reached my limits with the likes of Cecelia when I was around 30. A little late, but hey, better later than never. It was back in those early 20s in the projects of Springfield that I met Cecelia. She was deaf. I fancied the idea of having a deaf friend so I could keep up with my sign language. I saw her a few times and we hung out together either at my place or going out for lunch or something like that. She seemed like an ok person. Pretty average, actually. Average looking, average personality… just average.

Then one day Cecelia and I were sitting at my kitchen table sipping coffee and chatting. The conversation eventually shifted to my sexual preference.

“But it’s wrong,” she signed.

I just looked at her dumbly, unsure of what to say and stunned by her sudden rudeness. Then she said she’d be out of my life if I ever touched her or anything.

Although it may be pointless, I could kick myself for smiling politely and assuring her I was not the least bit attracted to her but also that I would never force my way onto someone who wasn’t interested. These days I would have stood up, opened the door, and told her to get the fuck out. No defending myself, no trying to reason with her, just getting her the fuck out of my life would be all I would do.

Who the hell was she to tell me I was wrong anyway? I hate people like that! As soon as someone tells me my way of living, thinking and believing is “wrong,” I’m gone. Just gone! I don’t tell others how to live and I expect the same respect in return. I need to surround myself with people who accept me as I am and that’s what I’ve been doing for many years now whenever possible. As one of my favorite quotes goes: Those that matter, love you as you are. Those that don’t, don’t matter.

It’s so beautiful here this time of year. Everything’s so green. There are no palms, cacti, wisterias, cypress, cherry and other trees I like within view of this place, but it’s the prettiest time of year until the dry heat kicks in and bakes the underbrush wheat brown.

Maliheh checked in again by giving my blog a hit after I sent her the last round of posts. Too bad she won’t be able to do that in a couple of months. I just wish I knew why she hardly wants to talk to me.