Went to bed in the summer and woke up in the winter. Where the hell did all this cold come from anyway?! The cold woke me up at 3am and I had to get up, shut the window and break out the heavy comforter yet again. May as well leave it on the bed. The next 4 days are expected to be in the 70s and in the low 50s at night. Yesterday, which was semi-warm, was dead quiet. But I have a feeling today’s weather is going to bring out the worst in Jesse. He doesn’t seem to like the heat at all, dry or not.

Can’t swear to it, but I think I may know who the “woman who’s up there in years and has always admired me” may be. I finally came out and asked her if it were her, since she is up there in years, LOL. Well, when Christiane didn’t reply I figured I either embarrassed her out of responding (sorry if that’s the case!) or I hit the nail on the head. In truth, I may never know for sure who it is, but as they say, silence speaks a thousand words and her silence does make me wonder. I told her she didn’t have to tell me anything she didn’t want to, hoping that would make her feel less put on the spot and less obligated to tell me if it was her if she’d rather not say so. I’m flattered if it is. I don’t know her well, but she’s tall, slim, attractive, and has always seemed like a kind, intelligent and hard-working woman.

I’ve got roughly 30 entries posted on both my-diary and Thoughts since I found that Thoughts also allows for backdating, and should have all my 80s journals posted today. When I first started on October 27, 1987, my entries were short and sweet. They became longer and more detailed with time, so it’s not like it’s going to take me just weeks or even months to get everything posted. It could take years unless I get sick of it along the way. I must have something like 12,000 pages of text to go through. I can’t just throw things online. I have to stop and screen everything first and either omit or change names and locations.

Later…

A reality check has got me wondering if maybe we should check into a townhouse and forget trailers and houses altogether. If whatever’s up there wanted us to have what we really wanted it wouldn’t have given me this kind of a sleep disorder to prevent me from doubling our income so we could afford it. That much is obvious. Another thing that’s become obvious through the years is that neighbors are still going to be annoying at times even when they’re a couple of hundred feet away. Unless you live smack dab in the middle of a 100-acre lot or on a deserted island, people make noise. Whether it’s a single, older white person or a large Mexican family, they’re all going to be annoying in some way or another to those of us who would prefer to live in peace.

With a townhouse, there wouldn’t be anyone above or below us and it’d be the most affordable way to have our cake and eat it, too. There’s just no way we can afford a nicer 2-bedroom/2-bathroom trailer or house and those we could afford would leave us with little to no money leftover.

We all have to settle in life at times. I don’t agree with settling on things like lovers. I’ve always felt it was best to stay alone before we settled for second best. But in other areas of life, it’s either settle or do nothing at all. So now I’m ready to accept that I’ll never live where I really want to live and just take the best of what’s available to us. It’s either that or stay here.

All the detached houses and trailers are either too small even though we’d save a ton of money with them, or they’re bigger and nicer and would end up sucking every last dime out of us. sighs I don’t know what to do. Give up? Take an apartment? A tiny trailer? Stay here?

When Andy asked how I could not believe there’s a God after I posted a beautiful flower background, I realized that he, along with some others may not actually be reading my journal but skimming it. So just so you know, I believe there’s probably some kind of God. Unlike most people, though, I see it as mostly vengeful and cruel as opposed to kind and loving when I consider how much bad there is in the world as opposed to good, including a lot of the unfair and undeserved shit I myself have gone through in life.

Anyway, I’m feeling a bit discouraged right now. Between PMS, being bloated as hell, and not finding very promising ads, I’m kind of down. Worst-case scenario we take that trailer for 3K as it would be better than staying here. It would be just as small but it would be completely upgraded, we’d own it outright, and we’d save a ton of money each month. That is unless someone else bought it first.