I suspect Nane has returned from vacation. I haven’t heard from her for two weeks, which was how long she said she’d be gone. If those weeks turn into months I’m going to go right back to suspecting she really was toying with me last year and wasn’t just busy, and I’m going to seriously rethink our friendship, too.

This is certainly an entry I’ll be making private and sharing with just my utmost of closest friends. Just like Andy owed me an apology, I owe Tom one. And just like Tom found my sleep disorder online by accident up in Oregon, I think I might’ve found the reason he’s had a low drive and trouble cumming ever since we met when he was 35. Most of us tend to experience a lower drive with age, but I always found Tom to be a bit “different” and IDK, just unusual.

I admit I went through a why me? period and at the same time I wondered what it was I did to deserve such a great guy, I also wondered what it was I did to deserve one that was sexually defunct. As I would think would go through most people’s minds, I pondered many possibilities – I wasn’t good enough in bed, he feared impregnating me but also feared telling me for some strange reason, or maybe I just wasn’t attractive enough. Hey, my appearance had been bashed by women so damn often that maybe it was just time for me to be unattractive in the eyes of men as well for all I knew.

So what did I do? I blamed him. I accused him of deliberately holding back cuz he really didn’t want a kid and insisted he seemed too “content” to be the way he was, figuring he’d go to a doctor if he wasn’t really happy and didn’t really want to be the way he was. The sex was so infrequent some of the time that I sometimes considered seeking out an affair with a woman on the side because I was still in my sexual prime. But I knew that all I could get was a hideously ugly butch and only if I was lucky. Women simply weren’t attracted to me.

Instead, I continued to wonder why Tom didn’t just come out and broach the subject of BC or one of us getting fixed if he was that adamantly against a kid. Yet he insisted he was always the kind that could take them or leave them. He was ok with not having kids and he was also ok with having kids. Of course it also depends on who you believe as far as conceiving by pre-cum goes. Some say it’s extremely unlikely contrary to popular belief and that you need a full dose because there are millions of fishies for a reason; because few aren’t likely to hit a home run. Others say pre-cum lowers your chances of conception but doesn’t stop it. Don’t ask me what I believe cuz I’m not sure.

I also continued to wonder why he wouldn’t see a doctor if it was truly something he couldn’t control. Where I would’ve thought most guys would complain and want to see what could be done about it, he seemed very accepting of it and totally willing to live with it. I just didn’t get it. I’d never heard of a guy who could get hard but not cum. It was a therapist I had to see on account of the freeloaders’ abuse in 2000 who first showed me literature on the subject of non-cumming males, something that was always thought to be a woman’s problem only.

Eventually, I had an early-on miscarriage and my desire to have a kid faded the more I came to value peace and freedom yet nothing changed. So I could no longer assume he was afraid to knock me up since I no longer wanted knocking up, though it wasn’t until we’d been married two years before he came for the first time with me. It would be a rare occasion from there on out.

Andy recently said that guys like him might have low testosterone levels. So I looked up the symptoms and some of them fit. Not all, but some of them. His lack of a deep voice, his low drive, and his being sexually defective.

Finally, it hit me that I not only should’ve accepted him as he was and just let him be who he was. After all, I do bitch about people trying to change and control me instead of just letting people be happy and content to be the way they are, but having my type of sleep disorder has gotten me to see why he was afraid to go to a doctor. Because he no doubt never heard of anyone else like him and so he probably didn’t think they’d get it. I know I wouldn’t have dared mention my sleep thing to a doctor before 5 years ago for the very same reasons. As far as I was concerned, no one else on earth had this problem and any doctor would’ve just laughed at me and called me crazy, lazy or with nothing more than just a “bad habit.”

Well, I don’t care if he never does anything about it. We’re not 25, we’re not trying to start a family (whether a full dose is necessary or not), and if anything it keeps the sheets cleaner and dryer. Like most older and long-term couples it’s not like sex is a top priority for us anyway. I’m sorry I ever doubted him, though. I feel bad about that. Especially since he never doubted me. He just wanted to be himself and for my own selfish reasons, I didn’t want to let him so easily.

Later…

Not sure if I mentioned this the last time I wrote about my newest troll, but Kim anonymously left some childish comments on Ask in her defense begging me to take down the post I wrote about the shit she pulled on me, and once again I’m behind the Ted Wass thing, LOL, even though I didn’t even know who the hell he was and had to look him up to see what shows he was in.

In one of her millions of whiny text messages to Aly which she started deleting since they all said the same thing, she “sort of” fessed up to the Ted thing and “promises” to stop harassing me. Well, I doubt it will last very long since she’s proven to have an awful lot of Molly in her, but I went and adjusted my settings so I could allow for anonymous comments again. I hate to let sickos like Molly and Kim spoil it for those with good intentions and for me as well. I love seeing what anonymous comments I may get without having to sift through a bunch of crap.

I had decided I wasn’t going to bother blogging about her privately, not understanding why she’d care in the first place since no one other than Aly and Molly should know who “Kim” is. But then I realized she may’ve been badgering me about the blog because just like with Molly, negative attention was exactly what she wanted. After all, I specifically told her that if she left me alone there’d be no reason to write about her anymore. But then there she went with her BS on Ask. It was so, so obviously her, even though she tried to claim she was someone named Jenni. It wasn’t just the writing style and the things she said, but also that she has no friend named Jenni and no one would stick up for her like that in the first place. Aly agreed they were from Kim before Kim admitted it if only in a half-assed and indirect way when Aly asked her not to bother me anymore.

Really, though, if you’re going to be a liar try to do it at least somewhat well. Say you’ve been to countries you’ve never been to or had jobs you never really had. Even saying you’ve met celebrities you’ve never met can be pulled off and believable enough. But to try to pass yourself off as a celebrity with a protected account and the same writing style as your own that’s connected to your real accounts is really doing a bad job of lying. Even Molly wasn’t that bad a liar when she tried to tell me that one day she could view an old blog of mine when it was obvious that Sarah, her techie friend, told her how to beat its block. Molly may’ve been pretty fucked up herself, but she usually only went so far as to deny any accusations made against her. She didn’t accuse others of the most absurd things and make up outrageous stories. Kim accusing others of being behind the Ted account would be like Molly accusing others of being the ones who really wrote in her blog that she thought of ways to kill her parents in their sleep.

I’ve decided to give Kim one chance and ONE chance only to prove she can keep her word about not harassing me on Ask. If she can do that I will keep this entry private. If she can’t, this and any future mention of her will be anything but private. If she can’t respect or care about me, I can’t respect or care about her. I treat others as they treat me. For the most part, I do, anyway. I mean I can’t exactly kill you if you kill me.

She peeked in on my Thoughts blog last night and this morning and she’s probably had a look-see on MO as well. I don’t understand why. What she did to me clearly shows she’s had a deep hatred for me all along that not even I was aware of as strange and as annoyingly repetitious as she could be with her overtweeting (I haven’t been on Twitter in nearly a month now), constant messages, and the way she’d say the same damn things over and over again in her own blog. But the point is, why would she care about what I have to say if she hates me that much that she would be all sweet and kind to my face while harassing me anonymously? Doing this a few times as a joke, like Aly did, and then coming out and identifying yourself is another. But that’s not what Kim did.

Strange is one thing while crazy is another. IMO they’re the hardest to forgive because they’re the hardest to reason with. I honestly don’t think Kim gets it any more than Molly does. We’ve had to ask or tell her the simplest things over and over again, yet just like with Molly, it was as if we never did. I’m still not sure how much awareness Kim has where her actions are concerned but I’d still guess it was enough to know what she was doing. I doubt she’ll ever own up to much of it, though. I can forgive a sane being like Nane because they can learn from their mistakes. Kim and Molly can’t. They go through life making the same damn mistakes over and over again. There’s just no reasoning with these kinds of people. All I can hope for from here on out, now that I’ve been twice trolled, is that Kim lets go of me and moves on. I’d hate to have two trolls stalking me on and off throughout the years. The thing is that like Molly, she has no other friends. We’d know about it if she did or at least Aly would. People like Kim are devoid of friends for a reason, and now that reason has become more than obvious to me. I thought it was just because she was a little weird and weird alone is enough to put most people off, besides the fact that people don’t usually like those who are jobless and low-income, but now I know that Kim is more than just a little weird.

I feel Aly’s making a mistake in not cutting ties with her, but it’s her mistake to make. She does admit that she knows it would probably be the smartest thing to do and that she’ll probably wish she did right along with me, but for now, there are too many fond memories to let go of, she says, and she feels bad for her.

Call me compassionless or whatever but I don’t feel the least bit bad for her. She chose to do what she did. Then she chose to deny it and harass me for it when I had something to say about it in my blog.

Now that I’ve been double-trolled, though I’ve met a lot of rude people online, I gotta wonder who’s going to go crazy on me next. It’s unfortunate, but I’m searching for signs in my mind within the people I’m in touch with regularly enough. Who else is a little off that just might turn on me? That I thought was my friend. And why am I such a magnet for these crazies? So far it seems to be those that Aly knows. Well, like I said, I hope Kim doesn’t give Aly a reason to feel bad for our meeting through her. She already feels bad enough that Molly latched onto me because I was her friend. I try not to take it personally since the more sociable you are the more likely you are to get trolled, but it’s hard not to at times and to wonder just what the hell it is I did to deserve this shit.

I would still be willing to bet that within a week I’ll be harassed again by Kim on Ask (yes, I can tell the difference between her and Molly), and she’ll deny it and say she “wouldn’t do that nasty shit.”