Everything but the posters and floor sticker arrived yesterday. I love it all but the polyester shower curtain/tapestry. The tropical image doesn’t look nearly as clear, sharp and realistic as it appears online. Not worth $30 and will be returned, though I’m sure it functions just fine as a shower curtain if that’s what you want it for.

The cardigan is a good fit (size M), though the material is a bit rough and the stitching isn’t very tight. I also got navy when the picture looked like a deep plum color. It’s still a good deal for $11. It sure keeps me warm too, and I can drop the temp in here a couple of degrees.

The pots and pans with their tempered glass covers and set of black utensils are lovely. We got so much for just under $40. Way good deal for the price. We got a large red frying pan, a small black frying pan (I would’ve made this light pink or lavender), a small dark pink pot, a medium royal blue pot, a large dark yellow pot, and an even larger mint green pot.

My rainbow crystals are stunning. There are 12 crystal hearts in different colors attached to a bouncy coil wire. Worth $30? I start to say no since it’s only 9” long, but it’s so incredibly dazzling!

I’m also happy with the wooden wind chime. Excellent size and sound for just $8. Waiting for the sun to come up so I can hang them on the patio across from the master bedroom.

Lastly, I’m sure the rats will love their hanging tent. Good size/deal for under $10.

Said hello to Bob yesterday who told me I was looking good. Sure feel good, too. I asked if Virginia sewed since my jeans could stand to be shortened a few inches, and he said no. I’m not surprised. I don’t think Virginia does much of anything, LOL, other than watch TV, but hey, the lady’s 84 years old. She’s entitled. Bob was out spraying weeds and then some old lady with a walker came by.

We’re now hitting the 60s for the first time this year. Late January is when it typically begins to slowly warm up here, though we are in for another round of rain soon enough.

Been feeling great and sleeping better. I know it won’t last, so I’m enjoying it while it does. Perimenopause symptoms love to attack in spurts. Worried that I’m going to walk around with sore boobs 2/3 of the time, though.

Because I feel so good and have good energy I’ve been keeping both busy and active. I was barely halfway through my day yesterday when I’d already done at least a dozen things.

We don’t know why, but this place is now under new management by a new couple. Don’t know if they live here or not, though. Tom read that Joy is still around training the new people, and I guess they’re replacing someone in the office, too. Did Joy retire or is she moving?

Anyway, Tom and Nanette D are the new front-runners.

I keep hoping I’ll be able to wake up one day and say to myself, “Oh, I get it! It all makes perfect sense now.”

But this continued support of terrorists makes absolutely zero sense. I don’t understand for the life of me why people feel so bad for the Syrian refugees when they’re the ones who brought on their own problems to begin with. They’re the ones who choose to kill each other, so why should they expect others to pick up the pieces? Am I missing something here? If I went and burned all my clothes and then went crying to Tom that I had nothing to wear, should he be expected to feel sorry for me?

Perhaps I should feel a little sorry for the women and children that have nothing to do with it, but then I question just how innocent some of those women really are, and I really question just how innocent those kids will be in another 20 years or so from now. Everybody is so obsessed with political correctness that they have their heads buried in the sand and have chosen to blind themselves to the facts even though they’re staring them right in the face.

I also don’t get how this is supposed to equate to the Holocaust. Hitler killed millions of Jews, and while I’m no Trump fan, Trump is only trying to keep dangerous people out of the country, not kill them.

All the marching and protesting in the world isn’t going to stop Trump from doing whatever he’s going to do whether we like it or not. He’s in for the next 4-8 years and unfortunately, nothing is going to change that.

I had no idea, as all these marches in protests have shown, just how loved Muslims really are in this country. I knew that blacks and everybody else were. Well, except for gays, of course. I should have figured as much, though. If it’s “in” people are for it no matter what it is. If it were suddenly in to support rapists, then that’s what people would do. It’s sad that most people don’t have a mind of their own and are often blind to common sense.

I was thrilled to learn of the shooting at the mosques in both the US and Canada. It’s about fucking time we gave these terrorists a taste of their own medicine! For years I’ve wondered when we were going to fight back. Now maybe whenever they decide to attack us they’ll keep in mind that yes, yes, yes, we are going to fight back!

Getting off the Trump craze now, fire and ambulance went to Jim’s house yesterday, but I didn’t see if anybody was taken out. A few hours before that Tom made a comment about not seeing Jim in a while. Well, the guy is in his late 80s, but I could’ve sworn I heard him and Bob on their morning walk just the other day.

Yesterday we trimmed the cypress trees. Well, he trimmed them and I picked up the trimmings. Trimming them takes no time at all with the wonderful trimmer he has. It’s picking all the shit up that’s a bitch, but it’s good exercise.

The gardening gloves we got are great. Really keeps the hands from getting poked and nicked by anything sharp.

I had a dream last night that Marie called. She planned to come visit and left a message asking what I wanted to do sexually.

Then came the return of the pill dreams. In this dream, I opened a bottle of pills by a sink that didn’t look anything like my own. These pills were capsules of some kind. I spilled a handful all over the sink and was worried that they would be damaged because the sink was wet. Then for some bizarre reason, I picked them up and shoved them in my mouth, trying to swallow them all at once.

Shame on the federal judge who put a block on Trump’s only good move so far… keeping most Muslims out of the country. I’ll never understand people. We constantly hear of them bombing, raping and wielding machetes at people in the news. Yet this is the shit we want to welcome into our country? WTF is wrong with people? Hey, why not just let dangerous criminals out of jail, too? Seriously, I’ll never get why people choose political correctness over common sense. There are simply way too many radical Muzzies and therefore it is way too risky to allow them into the US.

I wonder why Tom received a missed call from Dr. O’s building on Friday. She calling to thank me for the referrals or something?

Tom is thinking of putting in for other jobs where he works that will hopefully be more pay and fewer hours, but I don’t have much hope for him there.

Meanwhile, I’m amazing! I somehow lost an inch or two in my sleep. So now the size 14 jeans I got yesterday at Walmart are a little loose on me. They’re perfect for when I’m sitting, though, and these jeans are only going to be worn in public with tops I don’t think my tights don’t go with. The tights are still much more comfortable than the stiffer material of jeans. I’m just wearing them today to try them out, but petite my ass. Petite is anything under 5’2”, yet I could wear these at 5’5”. I might have to hem them. I wish I knew if Virginia sewed. I’d asked her to do it cuz I hate to sew. Still, I may get a size 12 eventually (the official start of “curvy”) for when my weight’s on the lower end. I’m right on the border of obesity again, waking up at 150. If I slip down into the 140s, the 12 would fit better. Right now 14 is slightly loose and 12 would probably be slightly tight, as at my height it only takes a few pounds to make a noticeable difference either way.

I got a $3 hair mask for damaged hair at Walmart yesterday morning. My hair certainly feels better, but it’s a little too soon to say how it’s going to look since it’s not totally dry yet. Sure left my skin softer after rinsing it out in the shower.

We also got a new motion sensor light for the back and it looks much better.

We did a HUGE $600 Amazon order using most of our tax return. We got something like 25 things, most of which are just for fun.

Got another hideaway for the rats, colorful pots and pans, 5 posters, a “broken” floor sticker, a cardigan, rainbow crystals on a bouncy spiral, and a wooden wind chime.

I’m not dragging or anything, but twice the fucking traffic woke me up. I think it’s really sad that I live in an ADULT community yet even with an air cleaner, a sound machine AND an earplug I STILL get woken up. Never have I lived in any place with so many fucking loud vehicles. There were car stereos, there were engine gunners, and there were engine idlers, but other than delivery trucks, never have there been so many damn loud motorcycles, cars and trucks. Even Virginia told me a couple of years ago how she noticed that despite technology there are so many more loud vehicles these days. And just FIVE fucking feet from the bedroom, too. :(

Never before have I smelled skunks so damn often either. Why are they such a huge problem here?

I lost 1.5 pounds and my boobs are less sore, so now I’m back in my favorite bra. Still so glad I got those giant bras even if I hate the straps.

The rats’ hanging enclosed bed finally arrived and it’s so cute. Took forever to get here, though.

Not much is happening lately. I’ve been feeling great and keeping busy. Going to the store later on.

I had a weird dream last night. I don’t know what state we were in, but Tammy was talking to some guy somewhere. The guy had these light glassy blue eyes. When I approached them, he said he remembered me and asked if I remember him. I didn’t. He then said he was one of the paramedics who came to my studio apartment in Phoenix in the mid-90s when I had an asthma attack.

I was amazed he could remember this. I said, “Wow, and I was still a smoker then, too. I’m amazed you remember me. That was half a lifetime ago.”

I don’t think they turned the water off yesterday like they planned to do between 10am - 2pm. At 11:30, I could flush the toilet. Plus the pipes never spit out air. In case they do it today, showers, dishes and laundry will be done beforehand.

Even though it was 5° colder on tonight’s walk, it seemed warmer because it was dead calm. Last time it was so windy I could barely hear my music. But it was cold, so I was only out there for 15 minutes. I’ll make up the rest of the time on the Bowflex and skier. Trying to get a half-hour, 5 days a week to help my LDL score.

It’s been a cold winter. It’s almost like we’re being compensated for the extended summer we had. All this week we’re looking at highs in the 50s and lows in the 30s. I know it could be worse, but it’s bad enough. So glad it doesn’t snow here.

Once again my boobs are incredibly sore and I’m retaining a ton of water. Thank God I got these extra-large bras. The straps are awful, though. Too thin and slip off easily. Really don’t think I’ll ever be able to lose weight and keep it off until I stop having periods, and even then I’m not so sure. As painful as PAPs can be, I hope to get more information when I see the specialist. I just don’t know if there’s anything she can do to help. These sore boobs are a little extreme and worrisome, but I’m not too worried. Again, anything is better than anxiety. I just hope nothing else goes wrong once the anxiety can back off for good or at least for longer periods of time. As I noticed years ago, I always seem to go from one problem to another, although sometimes I get a year or two off in between. I just wonder what our next long-term problem is going to be. With poverty and legal problems being unlikely, my guess is that would mean new medical problems. I just hope I can stay healthy long enough to get out of California in the next 6-10 years. Sooner or later our health is going to fail as we get older. I just hope we’re pretty late with that.

I was just discouraged when Tammy and Stacey told me they still have symptoms, though I appreciate their honesty. It’s really hard to picture Stacey having panic attacks. I know she’s naturally calm, but in some ways, it’s almost like she’s too calm. It’s hard to even imagine her crying. She’s just so unemotional. Her sense of humor is a bit dry too, but I guess that’s just the type of person I’m drawn to. They have a calming effect on me.

I’ll miss her, but I think it’s best that I stay away. I know her door is always open to me, and believe me, I’ll go running through it if things get that bad again, but I really hope they won’t and that I’ll be able to cope with things better on my own using the tools I’ve been given.

I was thinking back to our last few sessions. The last time she made the comment about my crush to the effect of, “I guess I missed some clues.”

But she’s a psychologist for God’s sake. Isn’t she supposed to be good at picking up these things? I was so sure that she knew last summer that I liked her. Could she really be that blind?

And then there’s her telling me she would have liked me as a friend and not a partner. But I could still swear she was attracted to me. Could I be that blind?

I guess only she knows what she really thinks and feels. I’m not going to ask her because I not only don’t want to put her on the spot, but it isn’t important, curious about it or not. She’d only tell me what she wanted me to know and I can’t depend on it being the truth.

So why is my schedule jumping so fast all of a sudden? I got up at 9:11 today whereas I got up at 6:50 yesterday.

I transferred the white rat fabric sticker from the pantry door to the dishwasher. It looks a million times better there. I just didn’t think a light-colored rat would look good against a light-colored background, but it does. I would have put it there from the get-go had I known.

I’m getting a handful of new posters and I’m going to put a really cool poster of an alligator on the pantry door that’s split both above and underwater. That poster will be 12 x 17. The posters I’m getting that are 24 x 36 are close-ups of colorful flowers, wildflowers in the woods, and a starry sky seen through the treetops. Then I’m getting a polyester shower curtain that is to die for and can be used as a tapestry. It’s an incredible scene that’s also split above and underwater. Above you see a clear blue ocean with a small tropical island not too far away. Below you see tropical fish.

I’m getting a “broken floor” sticker to put in the bathroom. It’s supposed to look like there’s a hole in the floor that looks down into someone’s living room. It’ll be interesting to see if it looks realistic or not.

I’m also getting a dark purple cardigan, and new wooden wind chimes to replace the ones that broke.

We’re getting that colorful set of pots and pans and a new hammock/hideaway for the rats. Speaking of rats, what the hell is wrong with mine lately? All they do is sleep. Burke doesn’t even come to the door to be let out anymore.

I had a dream that Larry was alive and he was telling me he had 8 dogs. Then I was looking on my calendar for a date for us to meet somewhere for lunch or something like that. A bunch of dolls was stuck to the calendar and I had to pry them off. I threw them on the floor and said, “I really need to stop collecting dolls.”

Then I dreamed a tiger was racing towards me to attack me. I realized I was so dead. Just so damn dead. But then the tiger stopped right in front of me and I wrapped my hands around its neck to strangle the thing, as hopeless as I knew that would be, but it just stood there.

The Internet has come to be a bit of a lonely place for me. Yes, I have Cassie and a few others, but I consider them more like online acquaintances of sorts.

I still find myself missing both Kim and Aly at times despite the hell they put me through. I can’t make sense of it, but I read their tweets to each other and I feel left out.

But why? Why? Why? Why?

How can I miss these phony, selfish little liars who care about no one but themselves? Who couldn’t tell the truth to save their lives. Who put me through a ton of stress. Who stole my sense of peace online. I just don’t get myself at times just like I don’t get the abused that keeps running back to their abuser. I even miss some of the drama. I know it sounds horrible and I really hate to say it, but it’s true. Sometimes I miss the shit and the games I would play back and forth with Kim and Molly. Yet back when I was caught up in their shit, unable to do much online without them following and harassing me senseless, I longed for these days when I never hear from them. This doesn’t mean that they’re not looking in on me. It just means that I’m not aware of it and they’re not contacting me. I don’t think they are following me, though.

I still worry that I wouldn’t be smart enough to ignore Aly if she ever contacted me, but then I realized it’s silly to worry about something that will never happen. I’m 99.9% sure she’ll never contact me. She never gave a shit about me and there are too many other people for her to befriend. She doesn’t need me. Like she herself said, I had nothing to “offer” her as a friend. So basically, that means she wants friends that she can get something from. I couldn’t be used as a texting slave, so I’m worthless in her eyes. I also told her what she didn’t want to hear. So yeah, worrying that I won’t be smart enough to ignore her is pretty pointless when there’ll be no contact in which to see if I’ve got the strength to remember her cons or if I’ll remember the pros and cave in.

I wish I could be a lot less forgiving than I am. I also wish I could take some of the shit she tweets less personally. Like that thing about pushing people away that don’t even try to stay. So my trying to work things out and keep our friendship going was a joke, I guess? But then again, did we ever really even have a friendship? I was her friend but she was never a true friend to me and I know that. While she was nice to my face, she was tweeting how excited she was about my going on vacation.

I still don’t know what it is I miss about her, though. I guess it was just her intelligence, her creativity, and her sensible advice and opinions when I would ask her about dealing with certain people, along with her feedback on my stories.

I almost dumped her before she dumped me, to be honest. I understand she has depression and that’s not her fault, but it was getting harder for me to deal with the clinginess and the guilt trips she would put on me when I would be too busy to deal with her. It was never that I didn’t care, but that I just couldn’t be there for her whenever she needed someone. No one can be there for someone 100% of the time. People really do have to sleep at times and do other things. But she would make like I didn’t care and that other things were more important, and that simply wasn’t true. No matter how many times I tried to defend myself, she just wouldn’t believe me. But as they say, we can tell someone the facts. We just can’t always make them get it or believe it. Andy was the same way. If he didn’t want to believe something, then he simply wasn’t going to believe it no matter how much you would think he should be able to take the word of a friend. He also didn’t get and would forget a lot of the stuff I would tell him.

A small part of me is surprised that Kim hasn’t dumped her. Aly tweets indirectly to her about how she’s annoyed with being left hanging and how she’s unavailable when she freaks out. I’m just surprised Kim hasn’t gotten fed up with the same clinginess and guilt trips that I would get because this is someone who lacks empathy. If Aly was suddenly seriously ill or injured and laid up in the hospital, Kim would feel bad, but only for herself. She would feel bad that Aly wasn’t there to use in various ways, but she wouldn’t feel bad for Aly herself. Sociopath? Psychopath? I don’t know. Even Aly noticed and once pointed out how Kim lacks empathy. I honestly don’t think Kim is capable of feeling empathy, compassion and love for another human being. She feels greed, she feels anger, she feels hate, she feels jealousy, and she feels lust for celebrities that will never be quenched. But any positive feelings are more about how they affect her rather than those around her.

Anyway, as twisted as I know it sounds, I kind of miss the drama. It was immature, it was childish, but in a way, it gave me something to look forward to online for when Tom was working or sleeping. I just never knew what they would do next. This doesn’t mean I don’t keep myself busy enough with other things, things that are more productive. I do. I just sometimes miss getting online when I get up and seeing what shit Kim and Molly were up to while I slept, checking in with Aly, and then having fun either trolling them (though not nearly as much as they trolled me) or implementing clever blocks in which to annoy Kim and Molly with. And yes, sometimes I even miss having fun writing some entries aimed at them. It couldn’t have been more ridiculous, childish and a total waste of time. I get that. The correct thing to have done would be to totally ignore them once I realized what they were all about. And that time I did actually dump Aly; that’s the way it should have stayed. I shouldn’t have reached out to her to patch things up.

Sometimes a part of me wishes a new troll would present themselves for a new round of stupid, silly, immature but interesting games. But I know that if that wish were granted, I would soon turn around and wish they would go the hell away and stay away.

I’m a little surprised that no one has taken their place since it’s been a few years, as I’m out there in the public spotlight blogging all the time on various sites. Molly only latched onto me because she was obsessed with Aly and she knew I was friends with her. She stalked all of Aly’s friends. Kim only trolled me because I dumped her. My calling her out on her shit and dumping her pissed her off and she lashed out at me by stalking and harassing me. The only difference between her and Molly was that Kim preferred to hide and do her lashing out anonymously. Molly wasn’t afraid to let me know it was her. If anything, she wanted me to know it was her. Sometimes, though, I couldn’t decide which one was crazier and the bigger nuisance.

So yeah, I miss Aly despite her lies. I miss Kim despite her stupidity. Can’t say I miss Molly, though, because we were never actually friends. I don’t want to change my life. I just want to add something new and exciting to it. Moving to other states may be exciting but that’s still way in the future. I want some action NOW!

I wish it were optional to allow for anonymous comments because that’s when the trolls who feel the need to hide in the shadows come out, and people tend to be more honest that way. Back when that option was available I used to get a kick out of some of the shit people would tell me. One was convinced I was the devil’s spawn. Another used to complain that I would complain too much. Then there was the one who was sure I was a complete psycho and loved to send me various definitions of various mental illnesses they copied from a textbook. While I still prefer to surround myself with positive people, I can’t deny that some of the negative stuff I would get could be quite creative and funny. I know it was meant to be insulting and hurtful, but instead, I usually got a genuine kick out of some of it.

We’re going to be getting back a little over $600 in taxes. It will finish paying off the new washer, but not the trip that RC should have given us at least a partial refund on. But hey, people die on their cruises and there are no consequences for that, so why should there be for heatstrokes and shitty service? Either way, we planned to take a couple of years to pay for the damn vacation.

I’m now wearing my sore-boob bras. Really hope I’m not on time again.

My new white dress looked so shitty on me that I turned it into a fringed crop top.

So I won an issue of a rat magazine based in Canada on Facebook, a site I now only use to check for messages. Sure enough, the top part of the newsfeed that I could see was Trump this, Trump that. So I said, fuck it. I’ve had enough of this shit. I didn’t even backscroll through the feed to catch up. If anyone needs to get ahold of me they can always message me.

“Doesn’t the thought of living in Florida and then Hawaii seem like a fun adventure?” I asked Tom last night.

I thought he would answer with something like, “I guess so,” meaning that if it’s what I want to do, no problem, he’ll go along with it, etc.

Instead, he answered with, “Yup.”

LOL, we’re both definite adventurers who don’t stay in one place too long. I just can’t imagine spending more than 10-15 years in the same place. As I said, the world is too big to stay in one spot forever. We’ll probably end up being in this place for 11-15 years, which will be a record-breaker for us.

It’s nice to have things to look forward to in the future, even at our ages, when so many things aren’t new and exciting anymore. I’ve been cruising, I’ve been to other countries, and I’ve had lots of fun and amazing experiences in my life since I never had kids. While that’s a good thing, it has a way of changing your perspective on things. I’ve never been to Europe yet, but if I were suddenly there, it wouldn’t be the big deal it would be if I’d never left the country before. So the thought of visiting Hawaii may not be new and exciting (I would still LOVE to vacation there), but the thought of actually living there sure is.

The only negative to Hawaii besides the costs that I thought of is the fact that it’s not a “kill” state. In other words, if you’re terminally ill they won’t help you end your suffering like they would if you were a dog or a cat. You just have to tough it out on your own until the end.

There’s this insanely loud silver car belonging to someone who recently moved in on the other side of the circle. They came and went 4 times between 10:30 last night and midnight. Not only was this incredibly annoying but suspicious as well. It will be interesting to see if they do this again tonight.

I don’t know where I was in one of my dreams last night, but Johnson was in it. I overheard her tell someone she had a baby a few months ago.

She’d never have kids even if she wanted one. She might have a kid with a girlfriend, though I doubt she ever did. She was already in her late 30s when I last knew her. Damn, I would love to know her Facebook link! And a few others. I never knew her first name, though. I would still be willing to bet it was either Rachel or Rebecca, but Johnson is too common a name to look up. I wonder if she’s even still a detention officer with all the flirting she did. A women’s jail is every lesbian’s dream come true.

I also dreamed I was in what looked like the house I grew up in. I was talking to a 20-something black woman in the front bedroom that was mine when I got older. She was propped up in bed watching TV and reading a book or using some kind of device.

I looked at the clock and saw it was 2:45 PM. Panic suddenly hit me when I realized the bus I was expecting to take someplace out of town would be leaving in 15 minutes. I asked if she would drive me to the bus stop since I didn’t think I could run there in time. She nodded and rose from the bed.

I don’t know why, but I quickly began to undress, sleeves so tight I had to literally tug them off.

It annoyed me that the woman moved so slowly, but I didn’t want to demand that she speed up and risk pissing her off.

The last dream was really weird. I was in a small movie theater or at least something that resembled one. The lights were on and people were being served ice cream. Someone who worked there announced somebody’s chocolate ice cream over a speaker in the ceiling.

I was with a woman and her two sons who were in their late teens. She got them some new clothes and had me try them on. I realized that I must be as big as her boys in order for her to ask me to try them on.

Some guy did something to the boys the mother didn’t like, and a few minutes later the woman asked him, “And my two kids did what to you?” in a defensive and challenging voice.

The guy said he was leaving.

It’s been a couple of days since I made an entry, but I have nothing to say other than that things are running smoothly, the weather sucks, and I wish I were in Maui now.

Actually, I could bitch about my toothache. Yeah, my back lower molar is aching and I wonder if I should get to my dentist sooner or not.

I have to quit the protein cookies I’ve been having because the extra fiber in them is really hard on my stomach. I don’t think I’m going to lose any more weight, but that’s okay. I’m not that heavy right now. I just want to continue feeling as calm as I have for the last couple of weeks.

Stacey was in my dreams last night, but I don’t remember what she said or did. I just hope I never see her again as much as I’ll miss her.

I set up one of the mannequins since it’s been a while. The standing one with the skin that’s too pale and too shiny, but that has a much nicer face than my sitting one. This one is Ashley. The other one is Denise. Ashley proves once again that the young and skinny definitely wear it best. She’s in my formfitting leopard dress which is a bit loose on her, but that looks much better on her than it ever could on me.

Later…

My weight is finally starting to return. I figured it would. I’m just surprised it’s taken this long. Some of it is water. Yeah, I’m already getting watery again.

Made an appointment with an OB/GYN for February 23rd. Hope nothing bad turns up from that. I doubt it will, though my dreams will warn me the night before if there’s trouble ahead.

Went out jogging for a half hour. It was cold as hell even though I was bundled up. I started to warm up a little after 10 minutes or so, but my face and hands were still cold, even with gloves. To be honest, it’s a lot easier to run in the cold than heat or humidity.

They’re turning the water off for the millionth time for 4 hours on Thursday. I should be going to bed around that time, but as long as I’m not showering (and I know not to shower during the daytime as long as we live here) a few hours without water isn’t that big a deal. Epic levels of anxiety. That’s a big deal. Haven’t had any since the 10th and I’m enjoying every wonderfully calm moment.

Tom said he read a study that suggested that if you eat 12 calories for every pound you weigh, you’ll lose weight. That would mean I could have 1700 cals, and a 230-pound person would be able to lose weight at a little over 2700 cals. This makes no sense. I can’t have much over 1200 cals if I’m going to lose weight. If you’re 230 pounds then you probably eat 2500 to 3000 cals a day to maintain that weight, and would probably need to bring it to 1400 to 1800 to lose.

I’ve been feeling well, doing more, and sleeping better. Not sure how long it will last, but I’m enjoying it while it does. I just wish it wasn’t so damn cold. The rain finally stopped, though.

Spending less time on Facebook. I’m just sick of all the political shit. Someone asked me what I would do if I were suddenly in charge. Oh, not much that most people would agree with. Since I was asked… I would kick the illegals out and ban Muslims from entering the country. Is every single Muslim that you dare to disagree with going to chop your head off? Absolutely not. But there are way too many of them that believe violence is the way. It’s like comparing the poodle to the pit bull. Which one do you think is most likely to attack?

Then I would make the laws a little more sensible. For reasons I’ll never understand, violent crimes tend to get lighter sentences unless a child is involved. Well, no more sending the kiters to prison for 5 years while the wife beaters get just a few months if even that.

I would give this country real freedom of speech with the exception of direct threats. I would implement a little more restriction when it came to minors and the mentally challenged, though. Call most adults a fatty and as rude as that is most will just laugh. Say that to a child, and it really hurts. Same with an adult that might have the mental/emotional capacity of a 12-year-old. So there is where I would get a little stricter.

As a “normal” adult, I believe in that old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”

It’s true. No word could ever do the same harm a gun, a knife or a fist could. Therefore, I would not forbid racial slurs as I really don’t see that as being much different than swearing or calling someone some other name/insult/label. It’s all rude no matter how you package it, but just words, nonetheless.

There would also be no such thing as a hate crime. Violence is violence. Period. It doesn’t matter if you do it because of a person’s race, because the voices in your head told you to, or simply for shits and giggles.

I would also see to it that there was no more “protected class” because that’s playing favorites, in a sense. The cashier that just got his ass beat deserves the same justice as the cop that got his ass beat. That cop also deserves the same sentence the civilian gets. I can see protecting children and old folks, but regardless of why you attacked someone, you should receive the same punishment as everyone else.

I would take measures to make the world a more peaceful place to live. With today’s technology, loud motors belong on airplanes. Street vehicles don’t need to be so damn loud. Loud car stereos would be banned. Loud equipment and power tools (except for emergencies), would be banned one day during the week and one day during the weekend, so we didn’t have to hear these things every single day or close enough to it.

Women and gays would have the same rights as everybody else. Always.

Now here’s an example of what I mean about the world being too black-and-white. You have your adult communities and then you have your anything-goes communities. There are gray areas in there that should be addressed and I think other types of communities can and should be created.

Lastly, letting kids be kids is one thing, but letting them be assholes is another. If parents aren’t going to teach their kids manners, respect and discipline, I think teachers should do so. There’s no reason or excuse for so many kids to be allowed to scream like animals in stores and restaurants as they do. If they’re not taught at a young age to consider those around them, then what kind of adults are they going to be?

Again I have nothing to report other than dreams. The only dream I remember lasted a second. The master bathroom ceiling was leaking and there was a huge gap in it. Despite all the rain we’ve had, there are no leaks present that we can see.

Nothing to update today but dreams. We sure are vacationing in hotels a lot lately in my dreams.

Only my travel mates kept changing. First I was with Tom. Then with loser Ron of all people. I’ll bet he’s the same minimum wage worker he was back then, working one job after another. Alone, too. Shame on me for settling the way I did back then, young, dumb and naïve or not. He was so wrong for me and I had not one single solitary ounce of attraction for the guy. He was fat, balding, and looked much older than 28. My neighbor at the time, Nancy, was thrilled when I finally threw him out.

So anyway, I was worried about something in the dream. It was nighttime and Baldilocks was getting into bed while I paced the room. He told me not to worry about it and pulled the covers over his head.

My last travel mate was Stacey. It was weird because I passed out on the floor of our room, but was still semi-conscious. I heard her tell the paramedics that I was from California and that she lived 3000 miles away. I wondered if she moved back east.

The old lady in Texas said they had storms there too, and over 3000 hot water tanks were “fried” due to some weird charge. Fortunately, she was lucky, and we’re pretty sure our problem had nothing to do with the weather.

Nothing from Tammy on Lisa’s birthday, though Facebook says she hasn’t been on in a day.

The Sears guy came early within the time bracket he gave us to fix the hot water tank. It turns out that the thermocouple went out, so he replaced it. Between that part and labor, it came to $175. Tom saw how to take it apart to get at that part if it goes out on us again. He was going to order that part and do it himself, but the part couldn’t have gotten here till the end of the month. That’s why he called Sears. We may order one so we always have a backup on hand. They can last anywhere from 5-30 years. I’m just glad the guy had the part so we didn’t have to rent a room to shower. Then again, I’m sure Bob and Virginia, the Twenties, Geri, or someone else around here would’ve let us use their shower. Having not showered in two days, it felt great to take a nice hot shower once it had time to heat up.

So after I showered, got dressed, and threw my hair in a braid, I took off running before the next band of rain. Of course my hip is paying for it now. It still feels good to get out and run, but I did do some walking as well.

“You’re much too young to live here,” a guy walking his dog said along the way.

LOL, I never did look my age.

So I ran down along the main drag, around the curve, and around the next curve, and then I saw it. I stopped dead in my tracks looking for a way around it, but nope. No way. The water gushing from the fire hydrant was not only flooding the hell out of the street but the grass at the side as well. I would’ve practically had to go down to where the ditch is to get around it, so I decided to just double back.

Sure enough, the water was off when I got back, but not for long. I would have been so pissed if it had gone off while I was showering. It could’ve been a broken main that someone hit with their car or something instead of a hydrant, but with all the water gushing about I didn’t really get a good look at it. I would have gladly run through it if it were summer.

Some damn cock is annoying me right now gunning his motorcycle. I realized two things the other day. One is that if we still have so many loud vehicles despite today’s technology, this is the way it will always be. Also, if universal insurance still doesn’t exist in the US, then it never will. There’s absolutely no reason it can’t exist just like it exists in Canada, England and other places. It’s obviously not what most people want, though. I just hope we’ll be insured until he retires! Anyway, now that most of my so-called fellow Americans have chosen a hater over a liar, I am once again in fear of being uninsured if God forbid he was laid off. Then again, most people did vote for Hillary. I’ll never get that either. Shouldn’t the one with the most votes win? I’ll also never get why things have to be one way or another. Seriously, why do we have to live in such a black-and-white world? If you don’t want an abortion, don’t get one. Meanwhile, why should every single woman have to live based on what other people believe??? That’s like saying everybody else should be agnostic simply because I am. You want to believe in your grown-up version of Imaginary Friend? Fine. Just don’t try to push your fantasy on me.

I do still hope he gets assassinated, but I honestly don’t see it happening. Security is too tight, and if someone was going to take a shot at him, it would have been done by now. Why wait until he’s sworn in? I still think he has a much higher chance of something happening to him than Obama ever did. Most people don’t have a problem with blacks, but they sure do with those that do. So because he’s such a hater, I think he has more of a chance of being harmed or at least severely harassed.

But what is the point of the women going to march in DC? I don’t see how it could hurt, but how could it help? The guy hates women with a passion. So much so that I still find it hard to believe he’s not gay, in the closet/denial, and that his wife isn’t just for show. Come on, the guy’s 70. People his age don’t usually own up to their sexuality if they are gay. I don’t see how one can hate women that much and stand to be with one, so maybe his wife is just one of those rare exceptions? I can’t stand 90% of the male population yet I married a guy. A guy that certainly isn’t like most guys or else I’d be alone or with a woman.

Either way, this shitster’s sexuality is the least of my concerns. It’s how much worse he can make things for us that worries me. The fucker is against everything… women’s rights, gay rights, healthcare, climate change… everything. I hope he at least does some good while he’s busy fucking things up, like deport the illegals and keep Muslims from coming over here.

I found the perfect set of pots and pans, each in a different color and with clear covers, on Amazon for only $40. I would have thought that a clear cover would be worthless because of steam and fog, but we’ll find out when we get it. Maybe these things will encourage me to cook more. We won’t be able to use them if we ever get a flat-top stove, but we doubt we’ll get one while we’re still here, so we’ll have plenty of time to get some use out of this “rainbow” set.

Last night I dreamed that Tom and I boarded a local bus. As we were waiting to get on, there were about five women standing in a line. The one on the end was singing to herself. So then we got on the bus, which made these wide swings around a drugstore, and then the driver was saying something about tours around the city taking place next month if anybody would be interested.

“I would,” said one of the women on the bus.

Caught a break in the rain to go running with Tom. Yes, with Tom on a weekday. That’s because our hot water tank is shot. We’re wondering if it has anything to do with the fierce storm we had last night, but we doubt it since the pilot is sealed up pretty well.

Tom started to take things apart, then was like, wait a minute. We have money. Why not use it and get someone out here?

So Sears will be out tomorrow. We’re thinking it’s probably the igniter that fires the pilot. The tank is relatively new and seems fine, so it probably just needs a new part or two and won’t cost more than $200, if even that. Of course, if we were broke it’d cost a lot more than that. This is one of those times when you kind of wish you rented rather than owned, so the expenses, big or small, wouldn’t be on you.

It’s nice having him home, but why couldn’t this have happened on a day when my anxiety was acting up? Really, he has to work a ton of OT when I’m feeling like shit, then they finally clamp down on the OT when I start feeling better.

Last night’s storm was fierce and went on and on for over 12 hours. The wind and rain were kick-ass and we’ve actually got some standing water on the sides of the roads. Something you don’t see very often here. We’d have been without power for hours for sure if the power lines weren’t underground like they are here. My monitor did kick off a couple of times, though, and the Echo Dot in the bedroom did once.

Later…

Found Dr. A on Facebook. I figured she had an account, but because her name is rather common, I’d get too many hits when searching her name. Then it hit me to try to find her through her nurse. The nurse’s friend list was hidden, but because her profile was public, I looked for any comments from a Diana A and found one right away.

Not surprisingly, she has 3 kids. What I don’t get, though, is how one can take on such a demanding job as a physician and be a Mom to 3 kids. Where do you get the time? And the energy? The kids seem to range from around 3 or 4 to early teens.

Only her profile pics are visible, and of the 14 I saw, I was surprised to see that one of them was an equality sign. I just thought that being Hispanic and from a place like Ecuador she wouldn’t exactly be liberal. I never would’ve pegged her as being anti-equality, of course, just not pro-equality.

No husband pics or personal info on her, but I can’t believe she’s not married to a guy. What’s weird is that her business name is A-F. but she’s just A. on Facebook. Still can’t believe she’d adopt, have artificial insemination, or use some guy to get knocked up, then be with a woman. Even if she were attracted to women, she just doesn’t seem like the type to act on it. I think she’d care more about reputation and what her family thought than what she actually wanted. If she were into women, though, I’d bet she likes butches being small and feminine like she is.

Butches. I still don’t get those things as much as I know we can’t help what we look like for the most part. I can see being middle-of-the-road where you’re not feminine or masculine, but the butches really take away all that being attracted to a woman was meant to be, at least IMO.

And Stacey. It’s still hard not to take her sharing with me the fact that she would’ve liked me as a friend, but not a partner a bit personally. I appreciate her honesty, but it’s a reminder, once again, how not meant to be women always were, and how I continue not to be good enough for the sane and “higher status” women like her.

My husband may be far from the jobless, carless, unstable loser Andy used to complain he’d always get, and that I’d often get before meeting Tom, but I get his gripes about some things just not being meant to be. My “exes” weren’t all jobless and carless, but most of them were dumb and fucked in the head. Kacey was as close as I got to an “upper class” woman, even though I was never into her in the way I was into some others I wished I could’ve had. But look what she did in the end. She dumped me.

So yeah, some things were really never meant to be and this has a strange way of bothering me even though I wouldn’t trade what I’ve got with Tom for the world. Sometimes it isn’t about the sex. It isn’t about feeling like you’re missing anything. It’s about knowing that some things just never fucking change and that you would still be attracting nothing but Maries and worse if you were single and looking.

That’s another thing… where would I “look?” The kinds of women I would be interested in wouldn’t be looking to hook up anywhere online any more than they would be looking in clubs and bars.

I still wonder if Stacey ever really was attracted to me or if she just wouldn’t like me as a partner because of my shortcomings in life. Could I really have misread what seemed so obvious last summer? It’s still hard for me to believe I was that off on her and that there wasn’t at least some attraction, even if she knew I’d be a bad match for her if we were single, and even if she knew we’d never be just friends.

Yet when I think about it I say to myself, “Who were you kidding thinking you’d caught the eye of a prominent psychologist, no matter how taken you both were? You only saw what you wished to see,” even if I don’t quite believe that last part. I’m just going by my gut instinct on top of what I saw and heard.

Attracted to me or not, she’s totally forbidden territory and way out of my league. So not meant to be that it’s one of those things that keeps me from crossing the line from agnostic to atheist. It’s just really hard to believe there isn’t something up there that didn’t design it this way. I was definitely meant to be a man’s woman. Meanwhile, I could still have almost any woman I wasn’t attracted to and that I didn’t feel was ideal for me. If I hadn’t been blessed with Tom, I wonder what I would’ve done by now. Would I choose not to settle and just go it alone? Or would I finally break down and settle for the best that I could get and try to enjoy it while it lasted and the next Miss Not Quite Right came along?

The rain has returned. I wasn’t kidding when I said we’ve had more rain this year than in all the years we’ve been in this area. At least it keeps things quiet around here.

Still no anxiety since around the 10th, like I told Dr. A. She said she’s requesting the GYN referral, keep my appointment in March, but come see her sooner if I need to.

I forgot to mention that when I told Stacey my original plan was to throw her in a story, make her do all kinds of funny things, then eventually Facebook it to her, she got a kick out of it. Maybe I will surprise her with a little something someday, though I’m not sure what. Right now, I have a few writing projects to keep me busy.

I had a series of long, detailed dreams last night, one of which wasn’t very good. First I was at the beach somewhere, then I was in a large conference room. There were several large tables in the room and maybe a few dozen people. I sat by myself at the end of one table writing in a notebook.

Then we were staying at some hotel. I went down to the front desk to extend our stay another day or two. The girl behind the desk resembled Amber, the Kiwibox bully. She threw something in my direction that looked like a shiny silver needle, but it disappeared once it hit the floor.

“I can’t find what you threw at me,” I told her.

“Oh, really?” she said, gazing over the counter. “I was trying to give you this.”

“This” was a piece of paper saying that I was a suspect in an attempted murder investigation on the black bitch down in Arizona. I knew nothing about it, of course, but wasn’t surprised that she tried to cast suspicion upon me.

Knowing that our stay wouldn’t be extended, I returned to our room where I could hear Tom snoring, but couldn’t see him because he was napping behind a partition. My first thought was to tell him when he woke up, but then the dream ended with me realizing that I should wake him up so we could get the hell out of there, figuring that if I was a suspect, then the cops would probably show up at the hotel soon enough.

So Aly’s getting on Kim for not being around when she wants to chat and saying how easy it would be to do something stupid right now. LOL. Normally I would have all the empathy in the world, but not for her. Not anymore. I’d love it if she killed herself. Then again, I don’t know if I could go that far but I would definitely laugh if Kim got fed up with the clinginess just like I did and then dumped her. It’ll never happen, though. I couldn’t guarantee their friendship like I could guarantee Tom and I, but close enough.

Can’t help but wonder if Aly’s reading me on my-diary. I start to think that it must only be natural for her to be as curious as I am about her, despite feeling more confident that I wouldn’t play kiss and make up with her, should guilt ever rear up and bite her in the ass, but then I doubt it. If she didn’t care about me enough to remain friends, why would she care about what’s going on in my life?

I still find it a bit odd that she never mentions me. Or the blood cancer she supposedly has. It’s just political, weather and food tweets with an occasional cry for help. Sometimes she’ll say she’s busy but doesn’t always say what she’s doing. I’m guessing she’s still nannying and living with the Muslim mother and daughter(s).

I need to work harder at not giving a shit about those that don’t give a shit about me. I really do. It isn’t that I “give a shit,” actually. Just curious.

I have a feeling Tammy’s going to mention Lisa’s birthday on the 20th either in a message or on her timeline to see if it’ll generate a response from me. It won’t, though.

“If you could say anything to your mother right now, what would it be?” Stacey asked me yesterday afternoon.

I thought about it but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything. During the first few years after she died, I vowed to get even if there was an afterlife in which we all meet up with those we knew in our earthly lives. I planned to return every kick, hit, slap and insult. But then I realized that if I did I would be just as bad as she was.

She was in my dreams again last night. Sort of. My Dad actually delivered a message from her saying it was okay if I could never forgive her. Only I’m not sure if she meant that in an understanding kind of way or in an I-don’t-give-a-shit kind of way.

Anyway, my appointment with Stacey went well. Guess that explains why I didn’t have any negative dreams the night before.

She was dressed in her usual colors of black and blue but looked very stylish. She had some shine within her bracelets to balance out the darkness. When I joked about how I would be sure to remember what she wore in reference to my impeccable memory, she said she wouldn’t forget my hose. LOL, yeah, my zebra patterned pantyhose does stand out.

I thanked her for caring to see me when I didn’t think I’d ever see her again. She said something like taking my letter seriously.

Then we talked about how my wanting something can be easier said than actually done and obtained. When you work at home you not only don’t meet many people, but I’m also not easily impressed with people if I did meet them regularly. I won’t be friends with just anyone, and sometimes it takes time to develop any real interest in them.

“I wasn’t always drooling over you,” I started to say before I quickly stopped and apologized.

She laughed and said it was okay. I told her I felt comfortable with her right away, but the attraction part took time.

When she said she “missed some clues,” I guess that meant she didn’t realize I liked her as soon as I thought she did. I asked if she was surprised and she said she was a little surprised.

She asked if I thought I felt like I was missing out on being with a woman, and I assured her I wasn’t. I’d been with women before Tom, even if they were nothing like her or even Johnson, and Tom’s definitely my number one and a definite one-of-a-kind, no matter how many women I may like or be attracted to along the way. As I was telling someone else recently, a woman doesn’t love her first child any less when she has a second one. So no, my being attracted to others every now and then only means I’m human; not any less in love with Tom. No one’s attracted to just one person throughout their life, like it or not, and she understands this.

Who else in this world would love me enough to support me, accept that I can’t drive, and that I can’t keep a schedule?

“Sometimes I wonder what might have been,” I told her. I said I didn’t think I’d be her type if we’d met under different circumstances. She told me she thought I’d be a good friend as opposed to a partner. So maybe she never was attracted to me physically, and what I thought was physical attraction was just her liking me as a person? Either way, it doesn’t matter. I’m just glad we understand each other better now. Then again, it does hurt a little to know that like most people, I’d be rejected by her as a potential partner for the usual reasons…no job, no car, no schedule. Or maybe she just prefers men or simply isn’t attracted to me. Or maybe she means because we’re both married and wasn’t giving a hypothetical answer. Only she knows what she meant, and I didn’t think to ask her to explain at the time.

I also told her that I asked myself what I wanted. If it could’ve been up to me, what would I really want with her (or any other woman I was attracted to) and I still don’t feel I need intimacy. A good friendship would be okay, and yes, it’s more fun with someone you’re attracted to, but as she knows, this is hard for me after what happened with Aly and others. I like the idea until I remember that they may burn me or dump me.

She didn’t look as good this time despite being stylishly dressed. She cut her hair too short in the back, leaving the sides longer. It was quite curly, too. She didn’t have much makeup on today either. Her lips looked thin, dull, and almost old-looking.

I told her I saved her messages cuz her voice is soothing if I want to hear it when Tom’s not around.

I told her about how we were tossing around the idea of doing both Florida and Hawaii (she’s been to Hawaii, but not Maui), and that she’ll always have a special place in my heart and be one of the definite highlights of Cali. Each state has its most memorable people/moments, and she’s definitely it for this state, LOL. As I told her, I don’t take helpful people for granted. I’d undo the anxiety in a heartbeat if I could, but I would never undo her. She laughed when I ended this with, “Nothing’s changed. I’ll still stick a foot out and trip anyone that gives you a hard time.”

The thing that had her laughing the hardest was Mary. There are 3 areas of the psychic world I tend to be good at for reasons I may never know. One only Tom knows about and that’s the way it stays. Then there are the dream premonitions, and then there is the mood-influencing which I told her about today. I explained how Tom discovered it in me and noticed it before I even did. After he pointed it out, I could see a pattern and realized his theory made sense. It’s not anything I can control any more than my dreams, but let’s just say you don’t want to piss me off, as I told her. LOL

Then I told her how Mary became afraid of me and hated to be around me cuz she knew that the more she’d piss me off with her insults, the sicker she’d get. Every time we’d meet at the casino, my growing animosity towards her would cause her to lose when she’d normally win, and then there were all the colds and sneezing fits. LOL. Stacey got a kick out of the sneezing fits. It was so true, too. We’ll never forget that day she practically ran out of Harrah’s Casino on the Indian Reservation in Arizona screaming, “She’s making me lose!”

Ah-choo!

LMAO.

And oh, how I’d have fun taunting her and suggesting we get together at the casino so I could make her lose and sneeze, ROTFL!

I also told Stacey about Jesse totaling his truck after pissing me off day after day, hour after hour, with his mutts, motorcycle, and then adding the bulldozer to the mix.

“But good things should come your way,” I assured Stacey, who said she’d gladly take that.

What else…? She’s actually lived in 4 states. I thought she started in Maryland, then went to Texas, then came here. She was actually born in New Jersey.

I told her about the memory and she too, doesn’t know what to make of it and couldn’t guess if it was a real memory or a dream I actually remember. Like she said, I may never know what, if anything, it means.

She asked if I wanted to schedule another appointment or call if I need her, and I decided to just keep her on reserve for now. I hope I don’t ever have to see her again, as much as I’ll miss our chats. I always knew that one day I’d walk out of her office for good, whether we kept in touch online or by phone or not.

I also reposted a new 5-star review on Yelp after deleting the other one.

We stopped at Raley’s on the way home, then I came home to a message asking me to call Dr. A’s office. I was surprised. I guess Dr. A wanted to see me sooner and to know if I wanted a GYN referral to help with my perimenopause. I could’ve seen Dr. A in a couple of days but opted to wait till our March appointment since I’m feeling better at the moment. Plus, we’ll have lab results at that time anyway. I did take the referral offer, though, even though I despise female exams with a passion.

I then sent a quick update online to let her know I’d seen Stacey and that the worst of my last round of anxiety went from December 10 to January 10. I said I realized it could come back any second, but that I was momentarily stable, would keep the appointment with the psychiatrist, etc.

Zaradhe said she’d be back “a little after the first.” So it’s taken the doc till the middle of the month to get to my messages?