Skipped my pill yesterday and felt good all day. Woke up feeling okay today. Then, sure enough, an hour after taking my pill that familiar anxiety began to settle in my chest. I already see a pattern on the calendar with good/bad days. The 31st, 3rd and 6th were good days. That means I’m going bad-bad-good, bad-bad-good, and so on and so forth. If this really is a pattern I’m going to feel anxious until the 9th. Right now, even though I don’t see how it’s medically possible, I’m leaning closer to the pills being the culprit. There must be some connection; something that happens in my body that allows me to tolerate this dose most of the time, but be anxious other times. IDK, maybe it’s pocket flares or when the peri’s at its worst that fuels the pills into making me anxious? It just seems that the anxiety has been too extreme and too often over the last 2.5 years to believe it’s the peri alone. The only way to know for sure is to begin the process of elimination. I can’t “eliminate” the peri, but I can eliminate the pills at least somewhat, though certainly not forever.

The million-dollar question is… would I have gotten anxious today if I’d skipped today’s pill, too? Is it really possible that this is all psychological, and that my worrying about it triggered anxiousness that I might not otherwise have felt? Or is the timing merely a coincidence with it still being all on the peri?

Damn, do I miss the days when my problems were external! I felt stressed out and worried, but never this kind of anxiety. It’s different when it’s something that’s going on in your life causing it versus something that’s physiological. But what type of physiology is it? Peri or pills???

This kind of anxiety does seem to be missing some elements that were present when it was definitely the pills causing it without a doubt, but there are still things that point to the pills. Either way, this type of chest anxiety is the hardest to kill. Tapping in tryptophan doesn’t seem to do me any good anymore. Again, I don’t know that I can take this for that many more months, and I’m going to tentatively plan on not being around past next October or November. You wouldn’t want anybody you cared about to live like this. There is no “quality of life” this way.

Kim finally told me that she didn’t think my message asking her about the peri went through because she only uses Facebook on her phone. I re-sent the message, and while it appears to have been read, I never got a reply. Maybe I should post it on my wall but only visible to her. If that doesn’t get a response from her, then she’s likely playing games I don’t care to play. This is almost like Aly’s dead Wi-Fi game.