I missed Stacey’s call by just 40 minutes. I had to crash at noon and she called at 12:40. She said to try to call back and if she doesn’t pick up then just call the main line. Yeah, so they can tell me she’s booked up for 3 months and that I’m a new patient? Oh, well. I see her when I see her. I first started to wonder if something up there didn’t want me to see her because my phone was acting up earlier. Not knowing how long it would stay working, I left her a message saying that we could try to get ahold of each other until about noon - 2pm and that if that didn’t work then yeah, I’ll go through them mainline.

Again Aly changed her Twitter handle and again I found it in seconds. For someone who's smart, I’m a little surprised she doesn’t realize how it can be found. It actually took a few more seconds this time because she changed her bio. In it, she says that if we knew what went through her mind we’d probably stay away. Oh, I can just imagine. Too bad she doesn’t have the guts to actually share some of these evil thoughts.

I’m hoping that Kim has finally dumped her. She’s been complaining more and more about her abandoning her. Not that I expect her dumping her to make her want to return to me, and not that I would accept her back into my life if she did, I just like to see karma bite some people in the ass with a taste of their own medicine, is all. :)

She also tweeted: Thank God for night owls, even if alcohol, Adele and someone creepy wasn’t what I had in mind for conversation.

Am I that someone creepy? Is she referring to Molly? Someone else? She’s got to be trying to throw someone off with the handle changes, and while she may piss a lot of people off with her lies, selfishness and games, I think it’s me she’s referring to. Somehow, she has a way of knowing I’m reading her stupid, sometimes funny tweets. Wonder if she’s read me yet on my-diary since I started regular updates there again. I don’t care anymore where I’m followed, read or blocked, but my guess is no. Even if she sees me on the front page, I doubt she’d click on me.

Kim finally got around to answering my perimenopause question, but couldn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know. In other words, assuming this really is perimenopause and not connected to my meds, this could go on for years. Hmm… maybe if I deserve to suffer this much then I just don’t deserve to live?

Yesterday I had about 5 hours of anxiety, but so far so good today. That, unfortunately, may be because I took lorazepam less than 12 hours ago. Yeah, nothing like having your dead mother alive and plenty well enough to haunt you in your nightmares. I woke up several times with nightmares, overheated and with my heart thumping. I only remember one dream, though. First she abuses me in real life, then she gets to do it all over again in dreams. Only instead of smacking me around, taking away my favorite toys, verbally abusing me, or giving me away to the state, she abandons me. She abandoned me in real life as giving your kid up no matter what the “experts” may suggest is obviously still a form of abandonment, only she did it in a different way in the dream.

In the dream, she was still alive and old. She and Dad moved and never told me where they went. I felt a sense of confusion and abandonment. Someone, though I don’t know who, asked what I was doing as they saw me frantically tapping away at my keyboard. I said, “For some reason, my parents chose not to tell me where they moved to and I’d like to find out why.”

I couldn’t remember their phone number, so I was going to go through my long call history and try to pull up the number to see if it would go through. Then a video of some kind was playing on my monitor and I realized that the writing in the lower corner of the screen might be the name of the place they moved to.

The dream ended with me wondering if they were worth the bother and if maybe I should just let them go since they obviously didn’t want to keep in touch for some reason.