“If you could say anything to your mother right now, what would it be?” Stacey asked me yesterday afternoon.

I thought about it but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything. During the first few years after she died, I vowed to get even if there was an afterlife in which we all meet up with those we knew in our earthly lives. I planned to return every kick, hit, slap and insult. But then I realized that if I did I would be just as bad as she was.

She was in my dreams again last night. Sort of. My Dad actually delivered a message from her saying it was okay if I could never forgive her. Only I’m not sure if she meant that in an understanding kind of way or in an I-don’t-give-a-shit kind of way.

Anyway, my appointment with Stacey went well. Guess that explains why I didn’t have any negative dreams the night before.

She was dressed in her usual colors of black and blue but looked very stylish. She had some shine within her bracelets to balance out the darkness. When I joked about how I would be sure to remember what she wore in reference to my impeccable memory, she said she wouldn’t forget my hose. LOL, yeah, my zebra patterned pantyhose does stand out.

I thanked her for caring to see me when I didn’t think I’d ever see her again. She said something like taking my letter seriously.

Then we talked about how my wanting something can be easier said than actually done and obtained. When you work at home you not only don’t meet many people, but I’m also not easily impressed with people if I did meet them regularly. I won’t be friends with just anyone, and sometimes it takes time to develop any real interest in them.

“I wasn’t always drooling over you,” I started to say before I quickly stopped and apologized.

She laughed and said it was okay. I told her I felt comfortable with her right away, but the attraction part took time.

When she said she “missed some clues,” I guess that meant she didn’t realize I liked her as soon as I thought she did. I asked if she was surprised and she said she was a little surprised.

She asked if I thought I felt like I was missing out on being with a woman, and I assured her I wasn’t. I’d been with women before Tom, even if they were nothing like her or even Johnson, and Tom’s definitely my number one and a definite one-of-a-kind, no matter how many women I may like or be attracted to along the way. As I was telling someone else recently, a woman doesn’t love her first child any less when she has a second one. So no, my being attracted to others every now and then only means I’m human; not any less in love with Tom. No one’s attracted to just one person throughout their life, like it or not, and she understands this.

Who else in this world would love me enough to support me, accept that I can’t drive, and that I can’t keep a schedule?

“Sometimes I wonder what might have been,” I told her. I said I didn’t think I’d be her type if we’d met under different circumstances. She told me she thought I’d be a good friend as opposed to a partner. So maybe she never was attracted to me physically, and what I thought was physical attraction was just her liking me as a person? Either way, it doesn’t matter. I’m just glad we understand each other better now. Then again, it does hurt a little to know that like most people, I’d be rejected by her as a potential partner for the usual reasons…no job, no car, no schedule. Or maybe she just prefers men or simply isn’t attracted to me. Or maybe she means because we’re both married and wasn’t giving a hypothetical answer. Only she knows what she meant, and I didn’t think to ask her to explain at the time.

I also told her that I asked myself what I wanted. If it could’ve been up to me, what would I really want with her (or any other woman I was attracted to) and I still don’t feel I need intimacy. A good friendship would be okay, and yes, it’s more fun with someone you’re attracted to, but as she knows, this is hard for me after what happened with Aly and others. I like the idea until I remember that they may burn me or dump me.

She didn’t look as good this time despite being stylishly dressed. She cut her hair too short in the back, leaving the sides longer. It was quite curly, too. She didn’t have much makeup on today either. Her lips looked thin, dull, and almost old-looking.

I told her I saved her messages cuz her voice is soothing if I want to hear it when Tom’s not around.

I told her about how we were tossing around the idea of doing both Florida and Hawaii (she’s been to Hawaii, but not Maui), and that she’ll always have a special place in my heart and be one of the definite highlights of Cali. Each state has its most memorable people/moments, and she’s definitely it for this state, LOL. As I told her, I don’t take helpful people for granted. I’d undo the anxiety in a heartbeat if I could, but I would never undo her. She laughed when I ended this with, “Nothing’s changed. I’ll still stick a foot out and trip anyone that gives you a hard time.”

The thing that had her laughing the hardest was Mary. There are 3 areas of the psychic world I tend to be good at for reasons I may never know. One only Tom knows about and that’s the way it stays. Then there are the dream premonitions, and then there is the mood-influencing which I told her about today. I explained how Tom discovered it in me and noticed it before I even did. After he pointed it out, I could see a pattern and realized his theory made sense. It’s not anything I can control any more than my dreams, but let’s just say you don’t want to piss me off, as I told her. LOL

Then I told her how Mary became afraid of me and hated to be around me cuz she knew that the more she’d piss me off with her insults, the sicker she’d get. Every time we’d meet at the casino, my growing animosity towards her would cause her to lose when she’d normally win, and then there were all the colds and sneezing fits. LOL. Stacey got a kick out of the sneezing fits. It was so true, too. We’ll never forget that day she practically ran out of Harrah’s Casino on the Indian Reservation in Arizona screaming, “She’s making me lose!”

Ah-choo!

LMAO.

And oh, how I’d have fun taunting her and suggesting we get together at the casino so I could make her lose and sneeze, ROTFL!

I also told Stacey about Jesse totaling his truck after pissing me off day after day, hour after hour, with his mutts, motorcycle, and then adding the bulldozer to the mix.

“But good things should come your way,” I assured Stacey, who said she’d gladly take that.

What else…? She’s actually lived in 4 states. I thought she started in Maryland, then went to Texas, then came here. She was actually born in New Jersey.

I told her about the memory and she too, doesn’t know what to make of it and couldn’t guess if it was a real memory or a dream I actually remember. Like she said, I may never know what, if anything, it means.

She asked if I wanted to schedule another appointment or call if I need her, and I decided to just keep her on reserve for now. I hope I don’t ever have to see her again, as much as I’ll miss our chats. I always knew that one day I’d walk out of her office for good, whether we kept in touch online or by phone or not.

I also reposted a new 5-star review on Yelp after deleting the other one.

We stopped at Raley’s on the way home, then I came home to a message asking me to call Dr. A’s office. I was surprised. I guess Dr. A wanted to see me sooner and to know if I wanted a GYN referral to help with my perimenopause. I could’ve seen Dr. A in a couple of days but opted to wait till our March appointment since I’m feeling better at the moment. Plus, we’ll have lab results at that time anyway. I did take the referral offer, though, even though I despise female exams with a passion.

I then sent a quick update online to let her know I’d seen Stacey and that the worst of my last round of anxiety went from December 10 to January 10. I said I realized it could come back any second, but that I was momentarily stable, would keep the appointment with the psychiatrist, etc.

Zaradhe said she’d be back “a little after the first.” So it’s taken the doc till the middle of the month to get to my messages?