Yesterday I had mild anxiety from noon to midnight and lost half a pound because of it. The only good in it is that it’s a great appetite suppressant. Research suggests I have many years left of this shit to deal with, so I realize it’s important that I learn to adapt and let my body get used to feeling anxious whenever it comes on. If my hormones ever stabilized – and that’s a very big if – I could have anywhere from a few more years to a decade before that happens. I almost took a lorazepam last night but realized that masking the feeling isn’t going to help get me used to it. Instead of trying to fight, control or change it, I must embrace it and use it to my advantage if I’m going to lose any more weight. If my heart had been racing then I probably would have taken the lorazepam, but my heart wasn’t racing at all. It was just that steady underlying feeling of anxiety in the center of my chest that I sometimes get. It was annoying, distracting and uncomfortable, but nothing scary. The only other negative to feeling anxious is that I’m not as productive when I get that way. I tend to lie around more when the feeling comes on. But I’m determined to adapt! If this is going to be a regular part of my life for some time to come, what choice do I have?

We went to Raley’s in the afternoon and got some cooked food as well as a few treats. We tried chocolate-covered potato chips for the first time, and damn were they good. Come mid-January I have to really behave, though. About six weeks before labs I really like to back off the cholesterol and be extra sure to get a half-hour of cardio in five days a week to trick that LDL score.

Couldn’t get into American Horror Story, so now I’m watching Lie to Me on Netflix.

I’ve been stable so far today, though I don’t feel super calm, secure and overly happy. I’m just not unhappy and I’m definitely not calm, confident and secure. It sucks that Tom will be back to being out of the house for 12 hours most days. I know his being around doesn’t always ensure that I’m going to feel good, but his presence helps. It’s a psychological thing, I guess.

I wish they would enact stricter laws in the state, but there’s no limit to how long they can work you. They just have to pay you more when they do. The money is the only good thing to come of it, though at the same time we both hate the long hours, I worry about him being laid off. A layoff probably wouldn’t turn our lives upside down in the way it once did with all we have in savings and the economy being better, but it could pose problems in the end. If all he could get was a minimum wage temp job from an American-based company that didn’t allow him to take as much time off when I had appointments, we could end up screwed after a while. Having a 401 and the kind of time off Europeans get is very important to us. We couldn’t afford this place on minimum wage either, and I would hate to have to get all new doctors, and worse, have to go through the county. There’s no comparison between my dentist and the county quack who pulled my infected tooth.

So since we still have money, we did a fun Amazon order. I had a couple of cheap oil diffusers in which the covers jammed, so I got one that’s twice as expensive but designed much better, even if it may not be as pretty.

I also got some midi rings, some incense, and a white long-sleeve dress with lace trim.

Burke was hilarious the other day. In the corner of the laundry room closet, I found a small plastic ball with a little bell in it that was from when the cat was here. I would roll it toward him and he would push it back. It was the cutest thing ever!

We were living in the Phoenix house again in my dreams last night, and again it looked exactly as it should look. I don’t know why I have so many dreams of living in that house but that’s the only house that looks like it really did. Anytime I dream of being back in the Maricopa house or this house, it doesn’t look like anything I ever lived in.

I must have slept all day because when I got up, I stepped out of the master bedroom and found him asleep on the living room couch. I thought it was weird that he crashed there.

Then I noticed the door to the second bedroom was shut. I pushed it open and fumbled for the light switch but found that the power was out. The kitchen light was on, however, and there was enough of a glow coming from that to see that Tom let the rats run around loose in the room without their cage to hop into for potty calls. I made a mental note to remind him that we didn’t need them pissing and shitting all over the carpet. We would have to get a litter box if they weren’t going to have a cage.

I shut the door and was approached by two cats. That explained why the rats were shut up in the bedroom. My dream self knew the cats were just temporary and that we were just keeping them for someone who was on vacation since keeping them around for more than a few weeks would trigger my asthma.

I then went into the kitchen and noticed that Tom had installed a new floor all by himself. The sticky tiles had dark green and dark orange to them and these distorted fish-like shapes, but I thought it looked great, LOL.

Then I went into the back room where my laptop was.