On the 16th, I will see Stacey. Really looking forward to our session and hoping it goes a lot better than it did last time. Seriously, I don’t want to be introduced to a fourth personality! LOL

At first I hesitated to write about this in public, but not only is it MY journal, but I’m also pretty certain that the Kim/Aly duo aren’t following me, so I feel I can speak more freely if I make any kind of reference to them. Again, though, I don’t give a shit anymore if they accidentally or intentionally delve into anything of mine. If they find and block my Twitter account - fine. If they find and block my Prosebox account - fine. They can block me on Facebook, they can read me here, they can block me on Google, etc. My guess is that if they do come to any accounts of mine of which they’re aware, it’s to play victim and block me and not because they’re curious as to what I might say about them or anything else for that matter. I know I’m not going to contact them again and that they have no real need to block me, and that’s enough for me to know. I may make references to them from time to time since they were once a part of my life for several years, but when I’m not doing so, they are nothing and nobody to me. In my mind, we never met and I don’t even know they exist. So like I said, if they’re reading me or blocking me, it’s solely a one-sided game that only they’re playing.

When I was feeling really anxious the other night, these former trolls popped into mind. First I had a few moments of missing Aly and wishing I could reach out to her. But then I thought better of it when I remembered what a liar she is, not to mention incredibly selfish. But even so… Just comparing some of my old problems to my current ones makes me realize that some of the old ones weren’t so bad after all. As I’ve said before, external sources aren’t nearly as tough to deal with as internal sources. Internal sources have more mystery to them and are just scarier. I think I’m suffering from perimenopause but I don’t know this for sure. Nor do I know how long it’s going to go on. It could end this year or it could end in many years. So we’re talking about the scary unknown.

But there was no mystery in trolls like Kim and Molly. I would give almost anything in return for the days when my worst problem was having to deal with their relentless stalking, prodding, peeping Tom ways… And their occasional threats and insults. They were harmless, they were many miles away, and there was no guesswork involved. The only thing I didn’t know was how many years they would follow me around and pester me and my friends. Sometimes it felt like they would never stop. Everything else was simple and straightforward. They were simply rejected outcasts with nothing better to do than pick on those who wanted nothing to do with them. But yeah, when I get to feeling really anxious or depressed, I wish my worst problem was getting up each day (or night) and wondering what shit they’d been up to while I slept and what unwanted contact from them I may find on the various sites that I frequented. One of their favorite places to harass me was on Ask because they could do it anonymously. Even Aly picked on me at times there just to mess with me, but I admit that I sometimes gave her a taste of her own medicine; just not as high of a dose as she fed me.

Aly has promised never to forgive me for my bluntness and that’s okay. I realize that I too, need to be less forgiving. Yes, there will always be things about her I’ll miss. But if we were suddenly friends again, the clinginess and the demands and the guilt trips would start all over again right along with the lies. Then anytime I was honest with her, something I would think most friends would actually want from their friends, I would be called rude, negative, judgmental and critical. She was partially right, however. Sometimes I really could get judgmental and I still can. I criticized her friendship with Kim because I always believed Kim was never a true friend and that she would only fuck her over if she hasn’t already. But just like “Agent P” herself told me, whom she’s friends with should be up to her. If Kim’s a mistake, then it’s her mistake to make. True to each other or not, my guess is that they’ll always be friends. Well, they can have each other, and you know, maybe they’re actually good for each other. They’re both only willing to tell each other what they think they want to hear, they both have the same interests, and they’re both probably going to be alone for the rest of their lives.

Oh, won’t some poor loser please come and stalk me again and help distract me from the scary unknown that lives inside me?

Later…

That someone creepy wasn’t me, and sure enough, Aly’s still great buds with Kim. She tweeted that she “felt foolish that it’s taken her this long to get to know someone whose creepiness is really just a goofy, shyness that is misunderstood.”

That should’ve been “whose,” bitch.

I talked to Tammy for about 45 minutes. We discussed her health and the gardening and cooking she’s done. She is definitely the cook and the green thumb that I’m not.

She hasn’t slept well for a few days because of the pain she’s in. I can just imagine how hard that must be to live with. My sleep is disrupted enough by noise, nightmares and hot flashes, so to be in such pain would really suck shit.

I just wish she would shut up about Lisa and the references to Bill. I’m sorry, but I’m just as unforgiving as I am too forgiving. I will never forgive Bill, even in death, right or wrong, for as long as I live.

As for forgiving Lisa…that depends. I can apologize for my part in what happened in the past if she can admit and apologize for her part. If she’s going to put it all on me and continue to falsely accuse me of something so trivial, then I can never be an aunt to her.

Tammy discusses her as if I give a shit. Without any change or effort on Lisa’s part, I don’t give a shit. Again, right or wrong, that’s how I feel. But I certainly can’t tell her to shut up about her own kid. I don’t let her know how I feel either unless she were to ask as far as her talking about her or how the girls are dealing with the loss of Bill because I know it will only upset her. She’s way more forgiving than I am, but I’m not going to make any apologies for how I am either. There’s no way I could ever talk about or think of Bill without the automatic connection going through my mind to the freeloaders in the legal hell I was put through for nearly 3 years. And all because I dared to speak my mind.

My mother was in one of my dreams last night. I just don’t remember what it was about. I’m guessing (and hoping) that my dreams the night before I see Stacey will give me a heads-up as to how it may go. I’ve laid all my cards on the table. Now it’s up to her to pick them up and play them however she’s going to play them.