I don’t think they turned the water off yesterday like they planned to do between 10am - 2pm. At 11:30, I could flush the toilet. Plus the pipes never spit out air. In case they do it today, showers, dishes and laundry will be done beforehand.

Even though it was 5° colder on tonight’s walk, it seemed warmer because it was dead calm. Last time it was so windy I could barely hear my music. But it was cold, so I was only out there for 15 minutes. I’ll make up the rest of the time on the Bowflex and skier. Trying to get a half-hour, 5 days a week to help my LDL score.

It’s been a cold winter. It’s almost like we’re being compensated for the extended summer we had. All this week we’re looking at highs in the 50s and lows in the 30s. I know it could be worse, but it’s bad enough. So glad it doesn’t snow here.

Once again my boobs are incredibly sore and I’m retaining a ton of water. Thank God I got these extra-large bras. The straps are awful, though. Too thin and slip off easily. Really don’t think I’ll ever be able to lose weight and keep it off until I stop having periods, and even then I’m not so sure. As painful as PAPs can be, I hope to get more information when I see the specialist. I just don’t know if there’s anything she can do to help. These sore boobs are a little extreme and worrisome, but I’m not too worried. Again, anything is better than anxiety. I just hope nothing else goes wrong once the anxiety can back off for good or at least for longer periods of time. As I noticed years ago, I always seem to go from one problem to another, although sometimes I get a year or two off in between. I just wonder what our next long-term problem is going to be. With poverty and legal problems being unlikely, my guess is that would mean new medical problems. I just hope I can stay healthy long enough to get out of California in the next 6-10 years. Sooner or later our health is going to fail as we get older. I just hope we’re pretty late with that.

I was just discouraged when Tammy and Stacey told me they still have symptoms, though I appreciate their honesty. It’s really hard to picture Stacey having panic attacks. I know she’s naturally calm, but in some ways, it’s almost like she’s too calm. It’s hard to even imagine her crying. She’s just so unemotional. Her sense of humor is a bit dry too, but I guess that’s just the type of person I’m drawn to. They have a calming effect on me.

I’ll miss her, but I think it’s best that I stay away. I know her door is always open to me, and believe me, I’ll go running through it if things get that bad again, but I really hope they won’t and that I’ll be able to cope with things better on my own using the tools I’ve been given.

I was thinking back to our last few sessions. The last time she made the comment about my crush to the effect of, “I guess I missed some clues.”

But she’s a psychologist for God’s sake. Isn’t she supposed to be good at picking up these things? I was so sure that she knew last summer that I liked her. Could she really be that blind?

And then there’s her telling me she would have liked me as a friend and not a partner. But I could still swear she was attracted to me. Could I be that blind?

I guess only she knows what she really thinks and feels. I’m not going to ask her because I not only don’t want to put her on the spot, but it isn’t important, curious about it or not. She’d only tell me what she wanted me to know and I can’t depend on it being the truth.

So why is my schedule jumping so fast all of a sudden? I got up at 9:11 today whereas I got up at 6:50 yesterday.

I transferred the white rat fabric sticker from the pantry door to the dishwasher. It looks a million times better there. I just didn’t think a light-colored rat would look good against a light-colored background, but it does. I would have put it there from the get-go had I known.

I’m getting a handful of new posters and I’m going to put a really cool poster of an alligator on the pantry door that’s split both above and underwater. That poster will be 12 x 17. The posters I’m getting that are 24 x 36 are close-ups of colorful flowers, wildflowers in the woods, and a starry sky seen through the treetops. Then I’m getting a polyester shower curtain that is to die for and can be used as a tapestry. It’s an incredible scene that’s also split above and underwater. Above you see a clear blue ocean with a small tropical island not too far away. Below you see tropical fish.

I’m getting a “broken floor” sticker to put in the bathroom. It’s supposed to look like there’s a hole in the floor that looks down into someone’s living room. It’ll be interesting to see if it looks realistic or not.

I’m also getting a dark purple cardigan, and new wooden wind chimes to replace the ones that broke.

We’re getting that colorful set of pots and pans and a new hammock/hideaway for the rats. Speaking of rats, what the hell is wrong with mine lately? All they do is sleep. Burke doesn’t even come to the door to be let out anymore.

I had a dream that Larry was alive and he was telling me he had 8 dogs. Then I was looking on my calendar for a date for us to meet somewhere for lunch or something like that. A bunch of dolls was stuck to the calendar and I had to pry them off. I threw them on the floor and said, “I really need to stop collecting dolls.”

Then I dreamed a tiger was racing towards me to attack me. I realized I was so dead. Just so damn dead. But then the tiger stopped right in front of me and I wrapped my hands around its neck to strangle the thing, as hopeless as I knew that would be, but it just stood there.