Caught a break in the rain to go running with Tom. Yes, with Tom on a weekday. That’s because our hot water tank is shot. We’re wondering if it has anything to do with the fierce storm we had last night, but we doubt it since the pilot is sealed up pretty well.

Tom started to take things apart, then was like, wait a minute. We have money. Why not use it and get someone out here?

So Sears will be out tomorrow. We’re thinking it’s probably the igniter that fires the pilot. The tank is relatively new and seems fine, so it probably just needs a new part or two and won’t cost more than $200, if even that. Of course, if we were broke it’d cost a lot more than that. This is one of those times when you kind of wish you rented rather than owned, so the expenses, big or small, wouldn’t be on you.

It’s nice having him home, but why couldn’t this have happened on a day when my anxiety was acting up? Really, he has to work a ton of OT when I’m feeling like shit, then they finally clamp down on the OT when I start feeling better.

Last night’s storm was fierce and went on and on for over 12 hours. The wind and rain were kick-ass and we’ve actually got some standing water on the sides of the roads. Something you don’t see very often here. We’d have been without power for hours for sure if the power lines weren’t underground like they are here. My monitor did kick off a couple of times, though, and the Echo Dot in the bedroom did once.

Later…

Found Dr. A on Facebook. I figured she had an account, but because her name is rather common, I’d get too many hits when searching her name. Then it hit me to try to find her through her nurse. The nurse’s friend list was hidden, but because her profile was public, I looked for any comments from a Diana A and found one right away.

Not surprisingly, she has 3 kids. What I don’t get, though, is how one can take on such a demanding job as a physician and be a Mom to 3 kids. Where do you get the time? And the energy? The kids seem to range from around 3 or 4 to early teens.

Only her profile pics are visible, and of the 14 I saw, I was surprised to see that one of them was an equality sign. I just thought that being Hispanic and from a place like Ecuador she wouldn’t exactly be liberal. I never would’ve pegged her as being anti-equality, of course, just not pro-equality.

No husband pics or personal info on her, but I can’t believe she’s not married to a guy. What’s weird is that her business name is A-F. but she’s just A. on Facebook. Still can’t believe she’d adopt, have artificial insemination, or use some guy to get knocked up, then be with a woman. Even if she were attracted to women, she just doesn’t seem like the type to act on it. I think she’d care more about reputation and what her family thought than what she actually wanted. If she were into women, though, I’d bet she likes butches being small and feminine like she is.

Butches. I still don’t get those things as much as I know we can’t help what we look like for the most part. I can see being middle-of-the-road where you’re not feminine or masculine, but the butches really take away all that being attracted to a woman was meant to be, at least IMO.

And Stacey. It’s still hard not to take her sharing with me the fact that she would’ve liked me as a friend, but not a partner a bit personally. I appreciate her honesty, but it’s a reminder, once again, how not meant to be women always were, and how I continue not to be good enough for the sane and “higher status” women like her.

My husband may be far from the jobless, carless, unstable loser Andy used to complain he’d always get, and that I’d often get before meeting Tom, but I get his gripes about some things just not being meant to be. My “exes” weren’t all jobless and carless, but most of them were dumb and fucked in the head. Kacey was as close as I got to an “upper class” woman, even though I was never into her in the way I was into some others I wished I could’ve had. But look what she did in the end. She dumped me.

So yeah, some things were really never meant to be and this has a strange way of bothering me even though I wouldn’t trade what I’ve got with Tom for the world. Sometimes it isn’t about the sex. It isn’t about feeling like you’re missing anything. It’s about knowing that some things just never fucking change and that you would still be attracting nothing but Maries and worse if you were single and looking.

That’s another thing… where would I “look?” The kinds of women I would be interested in wouldn’t be looking to hook up anywhere online any more than they would be looking in clubs and bars.

I still wonder if Stacey ever really was attracted to me or if she just wouldn’t like me as a partner because of my shortcomings in life. Could I really have misread what seemed so obvious last summer? It’s still hard for me to believe I was that off on her and that there wasn’t at least some attraction, even if she knew I’d be a bad match for her if we were single, and even if she knew we’d never be just friends.

Yet when I think about it I say to myself, “Who were you kidding thinking you’d caught the eye of a prominent psychologist, no matter how taken you both were? You only saw what you wished to see,” even if I don’t quite believe that last part. I’m just going by my gut instinct on top of what I saw and heard.

Attracted to me or not, she’s totally forbidden territory and way out of my league. So not meant to be that it’s one of those things that keeps me from crossing the line from agnostic to atheist. It’s just really hard to believe there isn’t something up there that didn’t design it this way. I was definitely meant to be a man’s woman. Meanwhile, I could still have almost any woman I wasn’t attracted to and that I didn’t feel was ideal for me. If I hadn’t been blessed with Tom, I wonder what I would’ve done by now. Would I choose not to settle and just go it alone? Or would I finally break down and settle for the best that I could get and try to enjoy it while it lasted and the next Miss Not Quite Right came along?