The Internet has come to be a bit of a lonely place for me. Yes, I have Cassie and a few others, but I consider them more like online acquaintances of sorts.

I still find myself missing both Kim and Aly at times despite the hell they put me through. I can’t make sense of it, but I read their tweets to each other and I feel left out.

But why? Why? Why? Why?

How can I miss these phony, selfish little liars who care about no one but themselves? Who couldn’t tell the truth to save their lives. Who put me through a ton of stress. Who stole my sense of peace online. I just don’t get myself at times just like I don’t get the abused that keeps running back to their abuser. I even miss some of the drama. I know it sounds horrible and I really hate to say it, but it’s true. Sometimes I miss the shit and the games I would play back and forth with Kim and Molly. Yet back when I was caught up in their shit, unable to do much online without them following and harassing me senseless, I longed for these days when I never hear from them. This doesn’t mean that they’re not looking in on me. It just means that I’m not aware of it and they’re not contacting me. I don’t think they are following me, though.

I still worry that I wouldn’t be smart enough to ignore Aly if she ever contacted me, but then I realized it’s silly to worry about something that will never happen. I’m 99.9% sure she’ll never contact me. She never gave a shit about me and there are too many other people for her to befriend. She doesn’t need me. Like she herself said, I had nothing to “offer” her as a friend. So basically, that means she wants friends that she can get something from. I couldn’t be used as a texting slave, so I’m worthless in her eyes. I also told her what she didn’t want to hear. So yeah, worrying that I won’t be smart enough to ignore her is pretty pointless when there’ll be no contact in which to see if I’ve got the strength to remember her cons or if I’ll remember the pros and cave in.

I wish I could be a lot less forgiving than I am. I also wish I could take some of the shit she tweets less personally. Like that thing about pushing people away that don’t even try to stay. So my trying to work things out and keep our friendship going was a joke, I guess? But then again, did we ever really even have a friendship? I was her friend but she was never a true friend to me and I know that. While she was nice to my face, she was tweeting how excited she was about my going on vacation.

I still don’t know what it is I miss about her, though. I guess it was just her intelligence, her creativity, and her sensible advice and opinions when I would ask her about dealing with certain people, along with her feedback on my stories.

I almost dumped her before she dumped me, to be honest. I understand she has depression and that’s not her fault, but it was getting harder for me to deal with the clinginess and the guilt trips she would put on me when I would be too busy to deal with her. It was never that I didn’t care, but that I just couldn’t be there for her whenever she needed someone. No one can be there for someone 100% of the time. People really do have to sleep at times and do other things. But she would make like I didn’t care and that other things were more important, and that simply wasn’t true. No matter how many times I tried to defend myself, she just wouldn’t believe me. But as they say, we can tell someone the facts. We just can’t always make them get it or believe it. Andy was the same way. If he didn’t want to believe something, then he simply wasn’t going to believe it no matter how much you would think he should be able to take the word of a friend. He also didn’t get and would forget a lot of the stuff I would tell him.

A small part of me is surprised that Kim hasn’t dumped her. Aly tweets indirectly to her about how she’s annoyed with being left hanging and how she’s unavailable when she freaks out. I’m just surprised Kim hasn’t gotten fed up with the same clinginess and guilt trips that I would get because this is someone who lacks empathy. If Aly was suddenly seriously ill or injured and laid up in the hospital, Kim would feel bad, but only for herself. She would feel bad that Aly wasn’t there to use in various ways, but she wouldn’t feel bad for Aly herself. Sociopath? Psychopath? I don’t know. Even Aly noticed and once pointed out how Kim lacks empathy. I honestly don’t think Kim is capable of feeling empathy, compassion and love for another human being. She feels greed, she feels anger, she feels hate, she feels jealousy, and she feels lust for celebrities that will never be quenched. But any positive feelings are more about how they affect her rather than those around her.

Anyway, as twisted as I know it sounds, I kind of miss the drama. It was immature, it was childish, but in a way, it gave me something to look forward to online for when Tom was working or sleeping. I just never knew what they would do next. This doesn’t mean I don’t keep myself busy enough with other things, things that are more productive. I do. I just sometimes miss getting online when I get up and seeing what shit Kim and Molly were up to while I slept, checking in with Aly, and then having fun either trolling them (though not nearly as much as they trolled me) or implementing clever blocks in which to annoy Kim and Molly with. And yes, sometimes I even miss having fun writing some entries aimed at them. It couldn’t have been more ridiculous, childish and a total waste of time. I get that. The correct thing to have done would be to totally ignore them once I realized what they were all about. And that time I did actually dump Aly; that’s the way it should have stayed. I shouldn’t have reached out to her to patch things up.

Sometimes a part of me wishes a new troll would present themselves for a new round of stupid, silly, immature but interesting games. But I know that if that wish were granted, I would soon turn around and wish they would go the hell away and stay away.

I’m a little surprised that no one has taken their place since it’s been a few years, as I’m out there in the public spotlight blogging all the time on various sites. Molly only latched onto me because she was obsessed with Aly and she knew I was friends with her. She stalked all of Aly’s friends. Kim only trolled me because I dumped her. My calling her out on her shit and dumping her pissed her off and she lashed out at me by stalking and harassing me. The only difference between her and Molly was that Kim preferred to hide and do her lashing out anonymously. Molly wasn’t afraid to let me know it was her. If anything, she wanted me to know it was her. Sometimes, though, I couldn’t decide which one was crazier and the bigger nuisance.

So yeah, I miss Aly despite her lies. I miss Kim despite her stupidity. Can’t say I miss Molly, though, because we were never actually friends. I don’t want to change my life. I just want to add something new and exciting to it. Moving to other states may be exciting but that’s still way in the future. I want some action NOW!

I wish it were optional to allow for anonymous comments because that’s when the trolls who feel the need to hide in the shadows come out, and people tend to be more honest that way. Back when that option was available I used to get a kick out of some of the shit people would tell me. One was convinced I was the devil’s spawn. Another used to complain that I would complain too much. Then there was the one who was sure I was a complete psycho and loved to send me various definitions of various mental illnesses they copied from a textbook. While I still prefer to surround myself with positive people, I can’t deny that some of the negative stuff I would get could be quite creative and funny. I know it was meant to be insulting and hurtful, but instead, I usually got a genuine kick out of some of it.