Weird has totally gotten way weirder around here. Twice more, I found pieces of Tinkerbella’s old bedding on the bathroom floor. Again, I racked my brains trying to retrace my steps and ask myself if there could be a logical explanation for it. Not seeing how I could have tracked them in and knowing that I would have noticed them before, I'm definitely beginning to wonder if there's something to this “other side” after all. I'm not 100 percent convinced, as there are just some things we can't know for sure and get a definitive answer about, but I'm definitely wondering. Like, really, seriously wondering. As a friend said, if it makes you feel good, who cares? It definitely made me feel both surprised and good to find the bedding pieces, and it seems to go beyond pure wishful thinking. I vacuumed thoroughly a little while ago, and will see if anything else shows up.

I'm absolutely batshit exhausted today. Nearly every single fucking time I sleep, something wakes me up—nightmares, digestive issues, my arm falling asleep, allergies, etc. I still feel like something is cursing my sleep and using my own damn body against me, since it's quiet here and it can't use outside sources.

I got the mouth spray and I'm going to try the oral mask again. I also spread the swimming nose pinchers apart far enough to make them not so agonizingly tight. Really hope I can get this to work, even if it wouldn't be as convenient. If I suddenly wanted to ask Alexa something, I couldn't, or take a sip of water, and things like that. It won't be a convenient mask to get in and out of, but if it's going to bypass my nasal allergies and allow me not to suffocate awake in my sleep, then so be it. At least it would be easier to clean. Tom also wouldn't have to worry about strong cooking odors waking me up. Damn me for being the lightest sleeper on Earth!

Meanwhile, again I prayed to Tink not only for these signs I’m totally loving, but I asked that she influence my sleep in a good way if it was possible for her to do so, being sure to let her know that if she couldn't, I'll always love her just the same.

If my sleep remains cursed, well, I've decided that “chipmunks” are the lesser evil as opposed to being suffocated awake. Therefore, I'm going to increase the pressure to the recommended settings and stick with the nasal mask until and if I can get nasal valve surgery, a mouth guard, or both.

I was surprised to get a little birthday present from my GYN whom I haven't seen in a couple of years. LOL. Apparently, we overpaid them, so I got a check for $95.

I gave Tom a little money and he got himself a new battery for my old Mac laptop to do some coding on.

I ordered two pink tulip candle lamp warmers that came today (one for the kitchen and one for the bedroom), and they're way better than flames! I had a few candles I could barely smell, but with this, I can actually smell them. I love how I can control the intensity of the light/heat, and can also set a timer.

I'm utterly exhausted now, so I'm trying to catch up. The following was written last night.

Random reels are shown to us on Facebook, and one of them, right in front of my face, was this psychic medium saying that the places we go when we die aren't anything you can find on a map, but other dimensions that overlap with ours, which is how the dead can sometimes get through to us.

I still don't know what I believe, but I got some pretty fascinating suggestions after I asked ChatGPT: If the spirits of the deceased are in another dimension, how can they give signs that they go on, like moving objects or visiting us in dreams?

Chat responded with: The idea that spirits of the deceased might exist in another dimension or realm—and yet still interact with our world through signs, dreams, or moving objects—is a deeply fascinating topic that blends spirituality, metaphysics, and even some interpretations of physics. Here are some perspectives that attempt to explain how this could happen, depending on the framework you're considering:

Spiritual/Metaphysical Perspectives

Many traditions and belief systems propose that consciousness or the "soul" is not bound by the physical laws of our universe. Here’s how they might explain these phenomena:

A. Interdimensional or Non-Physical Existence

Higher Dimensions: Some spiritual traditions (e.g., certain interpretations of Hinduism, Buddhism, or New Age thought) suggest that spirits exist in a "higher" or "subtler" dimension where time and space operate differently. In this view, our 3D/4D reality is just one "layer" of existence, and spirits can "step in" or influence it in subtle ways.

Example: Just as a 2D being (like a flat character in a drawing) might perceive a 3D object as appearing/disappearing mysteriously, spirits in higher dimensions could interact with our world in ways we can't fully explain.

Energy or Vibration: Some theories propose that spirits are made of energy or exist at a different vibrational frequency. If they can "lower" their vibration, they might briefly interact with our physical world (e.g., moving objects via energy manipulation or appearing in dreams where the "veil" between dimensions is thinner).

Example: Poltergeist activity is sometimes attributed to spirits manipulating energy to move objects.

B. The "Veil" Between Worlds

Many cultures describe a "veil" or barrier between the living and the dead (e.g., the Celtic "Otherworld," the Greek "River Styx," or the Tibetan Buddhist "Bardo"). This veil is said to be thinner during certain times (e.g., Samhain, Day of the Dead, or during sleep/dreams), allowing spirits to communicate more easily.

Dreams: In this view, dreams are a natural "bridge" where the conscious mind is relaxed, and the subconscious (or spirit) can receive messages. Spirits might use this state to send symbols, emotions, or even appear as visions.

Signs: Spirits might manipulate energy or synchronicities (meaningful coincidences) to send messages. For example, seeing a specific animal, hearing a song, or finding an object in an unusual place could be a deliberate "nudge" from a spirit.

C. Collective Unconscious or Psychic Connection

Some theories (like those of Carl Jung) suggest that all humans are connected through a "collective unconscious," a shared psychic space where archetypes and symbols reside. Spirits might tap into this to communicate, especially with loved ones who are emotionally or psychically attuned to them.

Example: A grieving person might dream of their deceased loved one because their mind is "open" to receiving messages from the collective unconscious.

2. Scientific or Theoretical Physics Perspectives

While mainstream science doesn’t support the existence of spirits, some fringe theories or interpretations of physics attempt to explain how non-physical entities might interact with our world:

A. Quantum Mechanics and Observer Effect

Some interpretations of quantum mechanics (e.g., the "observer effect") suggest that consciousness can influence reality at a subatomic level. If spirits are a form of consciousness, they might theoretically interact with quantum fields to create "signs."

Example: A spirit could "collapse the wave function" of a particle to move an object (though this is purely speculative and not supported by evidence).

B. Holographic Universe Theory

This theory proposes that our 3D universe is a "projection" of information encoded on a 2D surface (like a hologram). If true, spirits might exist as "information" or patterns in this higher-dimensional space and occasionally "leak" into our reality.

Example: A dream or vision could be a "glitch" in the hologram where the spirit's information briefly overlaps with ours.

C. Multiverse or Parallel Dimensions

Some theories (like string theory or the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics) suggest that multiple dimensions or parallel universes exist alongside ours. Spirits could exist in one of these dimensions and occasionally cross over.

Example: A spirit might "phase" into our dimension briefly, like a radio tuning into a different frequency.

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When it mentioned signs and dreams, I was like, wow! I couldn't help but think of more than just the Tink dream, but also my dead dad telling me Mom understands if I can’t forgive her, Nana telling me in the 90s to pick other dreams and goals after hopelessly trying to conceive, and then my foster mom showing up in dreams all of a sudden, and then learning she’d recently died. I didn't even know she was dead yet, so it couldn't have been a case of my grieving mind conjuring her up in my subconscious. Then there was Tinkerboy's strange behavior around that time, freakinig out as if he too sensed her presence, and other things.

I've always loved a good mystery to ponder, analyze, and wonder about — even the ones that frustrate me because I can never be certain of what's what. When I filled a friend in, she said she wasn't sure about the dreams because she too, has dreams about people and pets that have passed but would consider the bedding and ribbon more as signs.

The thing about my dreams, however, is that this was the first good Tink dream. I have no control over the dreams. I can't make myself dream about what I want to dream about. Believe me, no one wants to have 98% of the dreams I have. As I said, it was the first good dream of her. In other dreams I've had of her, I usually put her outdoors for some crazy reason, and then when I go to check on her after stepping away, also for some crazy reason, she's gone when I get back. Plus, there’s the timing.

I'll never know for sure, though. Maybe there's a logical explanation to the bedding and the ribbon, and maybe the dream was just a dream, but it definitely makes me wonder. Especially since a few people I didn't even know were dead yet have popped into my thoughts or dreams at random, and then I would look them up to find they’d recently died.

I'm tired today, and the gummies aren't saving me or perking me up. My stomach got gassy in my sleep again, then my arm fell asleep because I'm so fucking fat, and my sleep was a bit fraggy. I had trouble breathing at one point too, and was surprised to learn just now that a stuffy nose can be as common as a dry mouth with CPAPs. I didn't know this! Still hoping the oral mask will work out. The mouth spray is coming tomorrow.

I'm also getting another candle, not only to replace one that's about to be used up but to see what happens to the wick when placed on the warmer. This way, I'll know if I still need to designate candles for outages that have never been warmed. Ordered Warm Apple Pie. It's a Mainstays candle. I've had four Mainstays candles, and they've never let me down yet.

For my birthday, Tom got me the LED tooth whitening kit that I saw on Ambetter. So I've got that to look forward to, along with the popcorn variety pack and the candle lamp warmers, which should come tomorrow.

So Swell is shutting down. I don't know why, but I'm guessing it's monetary issues. I'll kind of miss it, but I feel worse for Todd than I do for me because he was into the app a lot more than I was. Guess I won't have to complain about those unwanted invites anymore. Even so, I'm going to do a search for us for the next best thing. I really like the idea of vocal journaling. The problem is that most of the apps I found are for dating or meeting people in person. Lots of videos too. I just want to find something where you can talk about whatever, whenever, and it doesn't have to be part of a group chat or involve meeting in person. I'm spoken for, and Todd likes being single, so why do we need to meet anyone?

Right now, Gemini can see the webpage I'm working on, but not Word documents. So instead of opening stories in Word, I opened some that I have online and told it to give me a list of names it finds in the stories, and it does a pretty good job. It doesn't find every single one, but it finds most of them. This way, I can have one huge character roster so I don't use the same names. As it is, I've got two Agent Fergusons, so I guess I'll change one of them in one of the stories, lol.

Tom is going to try Meta Plus. He says there's a big enough catalog now to make it worth checking out. I guess they shuffle around the games.

We're almost certainly going to change insurance plans for me. We'd really like a PPO, but they're too expensive. If they were more affordable, then I could get Galileo again, but I'm probably going to have to go with an HMO and have the hassle of starting over with a new PC, but this plan will have a bigger network of doctors.

Anyway, I may not have quite as much fatigue as I was having, but it's still bad enough, and I think it's a damn shame that people can't opt to be euthanized as well as animals when they're suffering. Especially if it's something that can't be cured. Some places in Europe let you do voluntary euthanization, but not in the US unless you're in a state with Death with Dignity and you're terminally ill. No place in the US gives a shit about those who suffer regularly but aren't terminally ill. I could consider starting or signing a petition, but I know all too good and well that politicians only give a shit about themselves, not the people.

Now for my weird news. Yesterday I again prayed to Tinkerbella, asking that if she's out there somehow and if she somehow goes on and can hear me, to please come to me in my dreams. Please give me a sign that she goes on and she's okay, etc. Well, I did see her in my dreams! I don't know if it counts, though, because I barely remember it and it was so vague. It was something about me showing someone a neat trick that she could perform.

Then a couple of weird things happened while I was awake, but there may very well be totally logical explanations for them, especially what I saw in the bathroom. I noticed a piece of her paper bedding on the bathroom mat. The place hasn't been vacuumed yet, and I could have very well tracked it in there, but what happened in the closet was definitely a little stranger.

The closet was our main hangout because the little devil loved to chew wires. Hey, she was a rodent. I'll have to ask one of my online besties for her opinion because she's a different kind of psychic than I am, but here goes.

I'm the most observant person I know. I rarely miss a thing. So when I stepped into the closet today to find a ribbon with a little flower attached to it lying on the floor, I was a little surprised. This was tied to my black ballerina doll’s wrist. So if it had fallen onto the shelf when I moved her off the shelf as I did quite a while ago, why didn't I notice it sitting on the shelf? The shelf is made of wire and is not solid. And what would have suddenly knocked it onto the floor?

I was in that area adding essential oil to the diffuser that's sitting in there, but if it fell to the floor when I was in there, why didn't I notice it then? I thought I had this pretty securely around the doll's wrist, too. Even so, I suppose it could have fallen onto one of the objects directly below the shelf, but again, for a pretty observant person, why didn't I notice or notice it falling to the floor?

I couldn't help but wonder if it was a sign from Tinkerbella, but I don't know. It may have had a perfectly reasonable explanation for all I know, but it definitely made me wonder. Enough to ask the expert on the ghosts of the dead about it!

I'm still undecided as to whether or not the afterlife exists. There's the scientific part of me that warns against believing in what I can't see or prove. But then what about all the stories? Can they all be delusional? Can they all be dreams? Can they all be liars out for attention? I don't know. I've heard some pretty compelling stories from both psychics and non-psychics.

But let's say there was an afterlife. If I could choose what kind of afterlife I had, first and foremost, I would never want to feel any negative emotions or physical pain, or fatigue. I'd want to feel great—awake, alert, happy, content, calm, and at peace. I'd want every single thing I ever wondered about answered, whether it was something trivial or not. I'd want to do things I didn't get to do in this life. I wouldn't mind going on a helicopter ride, but I don't see myself doing that in this life, so it would be nice to do it in the afterlife. I'd want to live in my perfect dream house and be surrounded by every person and pet I ever cared about. I'd want my husband by my side forever, and I'd want to see our Tinkerbella and other pets. I'd want to meet Aly, since we didn't get to do so before she died. I'd want to see my friends and to meet cyber friends I'll never meet in person.

I've had quite a bit to unpack lately in these journals. I'm really loving writing for myself just like old times. Oh, these entries will still be visible someday, just not for some time to come. If a certain someone is still interested, she'll have a lot of catching up to do! I still don't get that girl. I don't understand how you can "do better" with new accounts rather than just deleting whatever books or entries you have and starting fresh from there, and I also don't understand why she bothers with bios on her profile when she doesn't interact with anyone. Not that she's doing anything wrong, I'm just curious. I thought I would be a bit sad if she stopped visiting my blog or visited less and less, but instead, her visiting less often made me less reluctant to go private. She was one of my motivators when it came to writing because I felt that, as different as we may be, we shared a lot of similarities as well. It came to the point where I looked just as forward to sharing what was going on with me with her as I was to writing it all down. This was fine, but I think it's even better to think of myself and myself only because then I'm not going to be hesitant, on a subconscious level or not, to really speak from the heart. I don't want to have to stop and explain who so-and-so is. I don't want to do any of that anymore. I just want to write what's on my mind, whether anyone else out there gets it or not, and whether or not it offends them. Now I only share mostly generic things just to keep in touch with those I'm closer to.

I still hurt over the loss of my Tinky. Tom said he watched some VR videos he shot when she was a baby, wanting to remember her young, healthy, and playful. In my mind's eye, I see it all. I see her at every stage of her life. My final image of her pains me the most. Handing her to a stranger and seeing her little nose stick up in the air, whiskers twitching, and wondering what the hell was going on, what these strangers were doing to her, and where her mommy and daddy were until she was unconscious, will always haunt me.

So many questions run through my mind. Is there really an afterlife? Does she somehow go on, or is that pure wishful thinking?

I had rat dreams last night, but they weren't good, and they weren't of her. I was supposed to be holding a couple of rats for someone until they could get them in a few days. I placed them in a long, skinny duffel bag and took them home, placing the bag down wherever. A few days went by, and I suddenly panicked, realizing that I'd forgotten all about the rats. I was relieved to find they were still alive when I opened the duffel bag. I took them out and gave them food and water. The house I was in looked like our house in Phoenix. I was in the kitchen when out of the corner of my eye I saw them dart across the living room. Realizing they had gotten loose somehow, I went to fetch them. The first one I picked up, however, was all bloated with tumors that appeared to be bleeding. So I rinsed the rat off in the sink and then went to get the other one, only to find the top of its head was hollowed out. Upon closer inspection, I realized its entire body was hollowed out, and I wondered how it could function that way. So yeah, it was a gross and shitty dream.

It's been a very quiet Thanksgiving. I don't know if Toni's gone anywhere, but I think it's safe to say the Honker is at someone else's place. His truck has been in his driveway all day, and I don't see any activity at his place. I wonder if he's with Colleen. I haven't seen her come around as much as I used to, so I wonder if they're not as close, especially if she has another guy.

I take that back. I see the TV on at his place. I suppose he could have slipped out on the golf cart. If Colleen is with him, she didn't come by car or her own golf cart. Or maybe he sat at home by himself all day, even though that one is hard to believe, as sociable as he is.

Andy reacted with a care emoji to my public post about putting Tink down. I still have mixed emotions about ignoring him, but I still feel that I'm doing the right thing.

Although I do still prefer to eat as healthily as I can most of the time, I need variety every now and then, and since healthy eating doesn't seem to do anything for my weight, cholesterol, or anything else — at least not much — I got myself a 42-piece snack pack from Walmart with our last grocery order. I'm doing a better job of making it last than I thought I would. Maybe that's because most of the snacks are just okay and not totally awesome. I've got more salty stuff than sweet stuff, too.

Deciding to cash out my points on Ambetter, knowing I wouldn't earn many more in just a month, I had to choose between an LED tooth whitening kit and a variety of six different bags of Amish-grown popcorn kernels. This kit comes with buttery salt. I decided to go with the popcorn, and I'll buy myself the tooth whitening kit at some point. I found the same one on Amazon. They have the popcorn too. The popcorn packs tend to be a little more expensive, so that's why I decided to let my insurance company cover that, LOL.

It's mind-boggling to know that since the 24th, I've been making $15 or more a day. Since then, I've made roughly $70! I really hope these AI jobs last! But I've lived long enough to know that all good things do come to an end. My favorites are the $5 15-minute jobs where I choose the best images, video clips, or audio clips.

So since the money has been coming in faster than usual, I decided to get myself a couple of candle-warming lamps. I'm having a problem with tunneling, and I figure this way it will be safer. I'll put one in the bedroom and one in the kitchen. From what I learned from AI, the negative is that it may not throw the scent out as much, but the positive is that it will last longer.

Today is an incredibly sad day. Writing is shaky on this bumpy road. Taking Tink now to be euthanized. I'm beyond heartbroken. I'm all for the death penalty, but I can only imagine what the families of those being executed must feel.

Nothing against Chinese folks, but if I had slanted dark eyes, I would really look the part because my eyes are so swollen from crying.

I awoke more tired than the day before, so I was grateful for the nap I took before leaving (her appt was at 4), which helped a bit. I had trouble falling asleep because I was so sad and stressed. My nose was clogged from all the crying, so I decided to try sleeping with the mouth mask. Between the clonazepam and warm almond milk, I would have crashed sooner if not for my nose.

None of the nose plugs appealed to me, so I eventually took medical tape and taped my nose, but I was only able to sleep with it for four hours. I see what they mean when they say it dries your mouth out—especially the inner lips that the silicone rests against. So I switched back to my nasal mask. The drooling was annoying too, with my mouth being half-open. With the nasal mask, my mouth is shut tight, leaving no room for drool to build up.

Now that it's been a while, I'm going to return the settings to what they recommend and see if I still have mouth farts, although I’m guessing I will. I would still love for the mouth mask to work out somehow, even though it's not as comfortable or convenient. If not, the mouthpiece is great in case this machine breaks. So I'm going to try a mouth spray AI recommended for dryness. I could breathe great with this thing. If this could be my regular mask, I could always sleep flat and eliminate allergies waking me up. Then I’d just have fragmented sleep at times, along with nightmares and thunderstorms—unless whatever is cursing my sleep added other things to wake me up with. I still want to look into nose surgery and mouth guards, either way.

I posted about Tink on my FB page and the park group. Most of my friends responded, and only a few parkers. Toni was being dropped off on someone’s golf cart as we were leaving, and she gave me her condolences, and the tortoise was taking a nap in front of the lanai.

I just wish rats lived as long as cats and dogs, and that the weather could have been what it will be on Thursday, although it wasn’t too bad. As it is, I'm worried we’re not gonna make it to the charger after she’s gone. I had a feeling after posting in the park group that the Honker might spite me by being annoying. Well, he wasn’t annoying other than a few door slams and honks, but he was more noticeable than I’d like, vacuuming and washing out his truck. He does this sort of thing regularly, though.

If he or Colleen made a cruel remark to the other about Tink, did the other one defend me as Tom would if I were low enough to make fun of someone losing a pet just because I didn’t like them? I doubt it. No one ever defends me.

Speaking of Colleen, I saw her go by the other day, and she wasn’t on the bright green golf cart, but a dark blue one instead.

On the way back:

She’s gone now.

We’re at the charger and will stop at Burger King in half an hour when we’ve got enough juice to go, as neither of us has the energy to cook or even zap anything. We’re both so damn heartbroken.

We first checked in and sat on an uncomfortable bench with her in her little pink carrier between us. She was still being all lovey-dovey, slobbering our fingers, but was definitely out of breath, weak, and tired.

Then we were taken into a tiny room with a metal table, a scale, and a small sink. We met with a young female assistant who gave us a few minutes to say our goodbyes.

Then the doctor came in and said that while there was no wrong option, palliative care was an option with antibiotics for what he suspected was a systemic infection, since her skin was deteriorating badly. As we had already said, we felt it was time. We didn't see the point in prolonging her suffering when she wouldn’t have lasted more than a few more weeks anyway, and she was at the end of a typical lifespan for a rat. She actually lived a little longer than most of our other rats.

He agreed the tumor was big and pointed out her weight loss and how cancer is such a parasite. Her eyes were also clouding over, signaling that she didn’t have much time left. As we told them, she was still eating but could hardly get around and couldn’t groom herself anymore.

They didn’t want us to be there when they put her down. “You don’t want to see the needle,” the doctor said, and mentioned how they convulse. I’ve seen a video, so I know exactly how it played out. He mentioned the convulsing too, but that’s just a natural muscle reflex.

What I was grateful for was the fact that they gave her gas to put her to sleep before they gave her the injection with what is definitely a huge needle, especially for an animal so small. It broke my heart having to hand her over to strangers, although she didn’t seem to mind because she was such a friendly rat. The girl said something about God having a place for her and that we’d be the last people she saw, but I feel like it was their faces she would last see since she wasn’t asleep yet.

I was a little surprised—not that she wasn’t worth it—that it came to $200. I didn’t think it would be over $100, although it didn’t surprise Tom. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised either, because everything is so damn expensive now.

We declined cremation and ashes. Not sure what the point of that would really be, since once the body dies, that’s it. If she lives on somehow, it isn’t in the body.

It’s hard to see the screen as I write because I have to stop and bawl my eyes out. I haven’t cried this much since Aly died five years ago. In fact, I’m sure I’m crying more now.

We also decided not to take her home with us for a few reasons. First, we’re not sure you can bury an animal in Pasco County, and secondly, being a rural area, we don’t know what animals may dig her up, and it’s very easy to dig here since the ground is like beach sand. Lastly, I'd just want to cry every time I was back there by her grave.

I miss her so, so very much, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over her any more than I’ll ever get over Aly. I don’t know that I’ll ever want another rat again. I feel like I had first best and would only be settling for a second best. Tom said a part of him wanted to go out and get another rat, but he would be tempted to make it like Tinkerbella, and that wouldn’t be fair.

Even though she couldn’t see well, I’m sorry she never got to use the colorful bedding we just got. We also got another twin pack of hammocks. When it comes to wanting/getting rats, it's one of those spontaneous things. If I ever decide I’m ready for another rat, it will come on suddenly, and I’ll know it for sure. The only thing I fear is ending up disappointed if I do get another rat and it's not a good one. Not all rats are that loving, friendly, gentle, and sociable. We've had a few meanies, although it definitely seems that the females are not only more intelligent but also more likely to be friendly. I think it might also depend on how young they are when you get them and how they're bred and handled until they’re purchased.

I miss my once-big, soft, cuddly, healthy rat! She hated it when I would overdo the hugging and kissing, but put up with it, lol. I remember how easily she could jump and climb, and how tiny she was when we got her. She was lost in the palm of my small hand. Then one day she surprised us by getting pretty big. She seemed to suddenly grow overnight. I remember the first time she decided I was OK when we brought her home, by jumping onto my chest and climbing onto my shoulder when I would open the top of the first cage she was in. Initially, she was a little shy, and I was worried she would never grow out of it. Fortunately, that shyness didn’t last long.

That rat was the ultimate proof that my mom never truly loved me. Why? Because no matter how many wires she chewed or how many times she peed in the wrong places, I could never in a million years imagine smacking her even gently, let alone with any real strength. True love of any kind does not include violence.

Tom believes that she goes on somehow but says it's just a gut feeling. He says it's hard to believe something that friendly and smart could just suddenly be gone. I don't know what to believe. I just know I'm glad she didn’t suffer in the end and that I will always miss her.

In happier news, I'm amazed at just how much money I've been making. Also, I'm surprised that I have decent enough energy today. I slept more soundly, although I did take a couple of Benadryl before bed because my nose was stuffy from all the crying. So I think a lot of my energy issues are in fragmented sleep I often have. I got the CPAP part of it taken care of, and hopefully, the mouth mask will eliminate the allergy aspect of it. That just leaves the frags, and as I said, nightmares and thunderstorms. I sure would love to sleep better more often to get a sense of whether or not I really do have CF.

Tom's out donating this foggy morning, and I'm doing what I do best, which is being fatigued. Thirteen bad days so far this month. That's just over half a month spent tired. Pretty fucking sad. Yet it's back and forth and back and forth. I think I'm gonna have to take clonazepam tonight to “reset” things, so to speak. My sleep was very fragmented, and then I woke up a little too soon from a nightmare.

Since Tom read an article claiming that yoga helps with fragmented sleep, I started doing it again. It is sad and even a bit scary just how much flexibility I've lost! And my big fat belly doesn't help. In my 20s, I could have done almost all the poses easily enough. Now, even the simplest ones, like sitting Indian style, are a bit of a challenge because my joints are so stiff and my stomach is huge.

In the nightmare, I was obviously young again. I was attending or working at a school of some kind. There were many foreign teachers there, and for some reason, I consented to having sex after hours with an Indian guy. I saw a foreigner being arrested at one point and asked who it was, wondering if it was the guy I was supposed to have sex with, but it wasn't. So after school, he and his “assistant,” according to his culture, entered the room. I lay down on the floor, and the assistant took hold of my hands as he hovered above me. The other guy, presumably a teacher of some kind, began to enter me, and I pulled a hand out of the other guy's grasp and gently pushed back on the guy screwing me, telling him to go slow because it had been a while. Then the guy holding my hands backed off and started complaining about not feeling well or something being uncomfortable. That's when I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation and called it off. They seemed fine with it at first, but then an intense and palpable anger seemed to fill the room. I rose to my feet and began to gather my stuff, including a piece of paper they had on a table with my address on it. “You don't need to know where I live,” I said. Then the guy said something threatening, and I said something like, “OK, come to my home and see what happens.” Then I left the room with them following me. The faster I walked, the faster they walked. I began to feel genuine fear then because it seemed the school was deserted. I broke into a run, heading toward a section of hallway where more lights were on, screaming and hoping someone would hear me. That was when I woke up.

Why is it that people only want to befriend me if they're either crazy or they want something from me? What appeared to be a woman added me on Bluesky, so I followed her back. Then they messaged me, and the first red flag was all the personal questions they would bluntly ask. Then they asked if I thought they were a woman or a man. Next came WhatsApp and Telegram handles I had no interest in, since I don't use those apps and didn't see what was wrong with talking right there on Bluesky, especially since we barely knew each other. Finally, the confession came that they were a man who was "borrowing" their friend's account and "forgot" to change the profile info. Finally sick of wasting my time, I just blocked the fucker. I'm sure they were looking for ways to con money out of me. At least I think that's what the end game was. I also noticed another account in a different name with similar posts, so I blocked that, too. I should have said I was a guy when they asked if I was a woman or a man. LOL

Got TONS of candles coming! I just got a couple from Publix and have 6 more arriving today: Pink Sands, Midnight Jasmine, Café al Fresco, Amber Patchouli, Summer’s Night, Oakmoss Vetiver & Musk, Ocean View Trilogy: Sweet Pea, Driftwood, Rain, and finally, Ocean Blue Mist. They’re from all different brands, some new and some not: Yankee Candle Company, Woodwick, FF Fragrflowing, Tuscany, and Candle Lite. I will definitely back off for a while now that I have enough to last months. Not going to get anymore by Candle Lite. Scents are too mild.

I think I know what’s been making me anxious. I regret the two skips I made of my levo, especially with labs right around the corner. I just don’t know if they’ll be for Rhonda or for a new doctor. It’s the B12 in conjunction with the levo. By itself, the B12 is usually okay, especially in low doses. But mixing it with the levo is like the old days of mixing perimenopause with it.

The Honker took the motorcycle out yesterday, but I don’t think it will wake me up. It definitely is quieter, too. He did go a little faster than usual upon takeoff and revved it slightly when he was between our house and Toni’s, but nothing like the assholes behind him. He came home from the opposite direction.

The way the staff greet you when you enter Walgreens kind of bugs me because I don’t always feel like exchanging greetings with strangers. I’m there to shop, not socialize. They almost make you feel forced to interact with them that way.

Still not sure if I’m going to be able to switch to the mouth mask completely. It has its pros and cons. I don’t know why some people complain about dryness because it seems the opposite with me. It seems like the drool builds up in my mouth as opposed to with the nasal mask when I have my mouth closed tightly and there's no room for it to do so. It’s also a little trickier to swallow with air blowing in your mouth as opposed to up your nose, too. Plus, it pushes a little against the back of my front teeth and inner lips, though I suppose I may be able to cut some of that back if I used the strap. So I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. I think I’ll try to nap with it the next time I need a nap, but fortunately for me, I have okay energy today, even though I was up for 18 hours last night. I even slept with the phone by my bed, so maybe the whole thing about EMFs interfering with sleep is exaggerated. I can’t seem to find any rhyme or reason that depletes my energy or gives me energy. Well, the only thing I can say for sure is that fragmented sleep is a definite killer. The more soundly I sleep, the more likely I am to have energy the next day.

Yesterday I managed to gather enough energy to go out walking. I walked almost all the way down the street to see if I could spot where Colleen lives, but I didn't see her bright green golf cart anywhere. So I either didn't go down far enough, or she's on one of the side streets.

Today, there's no way I have enough energy. I don't even know if I'm going to be able to do any of the Autumn 25 challenge that came out yesterday. We're riding in five different cities in the US... Phoenix, Portland, Minneapolis, Detroit, and Nashville.

Making my second skip today because I was not only warm and wound up yesterday, but my sleep was very fragmented, and I woke up on fire several times.

Today I'm getting an iced caramel latte-scented candle with our Walmart order. I realize that since I'm always going to have candles around, I don't need "outage" candles. I can just use whatever I have at the time if there's a power failure.

I kind of like the idea of a candle warmer light because then you don't have to deal with flames or smoke, but I can't use that just anywhere like I can a lit candle. I can put a lit candle almost anywhere in the house. With the warmer, it would have to be where plugs are available, and that might not always be where I want them.

I've got candles picked out for Black Friday on Amazon. I was astonished to have made over $80 yesterday on Prolific, so some of the money will go to that. Wish I could make money like that every day!

I had a dream that Tammy and I were staying in a hotel somewhere. She was asleep, and the room was dark. I didn't want to wake her up, so I slipped into these boots I had and headed out to get something to eat. A split second later, she was with m,e and a guy who worked there was commenting on my boots. I looked down and realized I had put on one from two different pairs. Embarrassed, I said I was going to go back to the room to look for something and asked Tammy if she wanted me to bring back some wine. But then I couldn't find the keys to our room.

For 17 years, I wrote for me first, others second. Now it's time to enjoy my final 17 years or so of writing for me first, and me only. Quick, to-the-point, "live" updates will be dropped on Facebook for Todd and Christine, as well as the few people on my friend list on PB. Blogger and LJ are now private but everything will be public at some point or another later on in life.

My Glade candle started tunneling, and I learned that the first time you light a candle, it's crucial to let the wax melt all the way across the top; otherwise, it will form a "memory" ring as wide as the wax went the first time and create a tunnel. Tom took a heat gun to melt it, but it's still tunneling—just not as much.

I slept better yesterday/last night, but I'm still tired. Just not as tired as yesterday. It frustrates me to not know how to break out of this vicious, never-ending cycle of bouncing back and forth between decent enough energy to feeling batshit exhausted. It's just up and down and back and forth with seemingly no way to stop it.

Even though I slept better last night, of course I had to have something wake me up. I was lying on my good ear when the nostril closer to the bad ear clogged up and caused me to snort. Once I changed positions, I was okay.

I totally regret coming to this state! And I really, really hope to hell the mouthpiece works out. I'm just not in a frame of mind yet to try to sleep with it. I want to get a little more caught up on sleep, if that's possible, before I try to sleep with it. I'm still a long way away from saying whether or not it's going to be usable. First, I have to hope I can somehow sleep with the mask itself. It could cause discomfort, it could leak, it could whistle, and it could dry the shit out of my mouth even with the humidity turned up.

The nose blockers came yesterday. We got a child-size silicone plug that you shove up your nose, but a little bit of air can still get through with those. The foam nose pinchers seem like they would be my best bet, although they are a little tight, and there's a stick in front of them where you pinch them open and closed. It may be a little awkward trying to sleep with that on my face.

Even if by some miracle I could get used to the mask and didn't need to plug my nose, I still want options and backup alternatives, so I still want to see about a mouthguard and nasal surgery. We're not getting out of the state. This is it. This is our forever state. So, since shots are out of the question, I have to find other alternatives to deal with allergies.

When I'm up and about, I'm fine. But at least twice a week, my nose clogs up in my sleep, and I either wake up struggling to breathe or because it causes me to snort. I wish I could get myself to stay off my stomach, but with the new setup, that might not be an option anyway.

It was nice that my NewNo story got another like and even checked the “waiting for more” option, signaling that they're looking forward to reading more. I worked on it a little earlier, but it's looking less and less likely that I'm going to win, and personally, I don't think I ever will again. Too much fatigue way too often. I'll finish the book, but it will have to be done much more slowly. I'm still a little tired since one night of good sleep isn't enough anymore to replenish my energy.

I already gained back one of the two pounds I lost from yesterday's levo skip, but I would rather that than worse symptoms. It will be interesting to see how many times I'll have to skip. I took it this morning but waited only half an hour for coffee and didn't take any supplements except for the gummies and kids' vitamins. I don't know that the gummies will do me any good, but they taste good, and I'm going to at least finish this bottle before I decide whether or not it's worth getting more. Maybe the CoQ10 was helping more than I thought it was, but I don't know.

I also figured out what was blowing up my stomach, and that was the probiotic smoothies I've been having every day. So I won't have those as often.

Tom got blood work drawn yesterday but can't donate today because of bruising.

It pained us to discuss it, but we think it would be best to have Tink put down before she gets to the point that she's really suffering. We couldn't find any way to get hold of the anesthesia used by vets to do it ourselves. She looks absolutely horrible. The tumor is half her size now. She's lost so much weight and the tumor is almost the size of two golf balls. She can barely move anymore and she can't groom herself, either or trim her back toenails. The tumor always has dried blood on it and the poor thing just looks really gross. She's still cuddly and eating, but otherwise has no life. Just like her mommy, her life is over before it's over. It's like all she can do is exist, and like I said, I don't want to wait to the point where things get dire.

So Tom did some research and found an 800 number he can call that says they deal with exotics even in our area. If not, there's a place in Lutz. We'd have to charge on the way back, but we could do it.

Before I get to bitching about the usual stuff, I decided to hang up public blogging. It's really lost its appeal. The novelty has long since worn off. But I'm not going to can it completely. I was thinking I would do “live” updates for the few cyber friends that read me (plus Swell) and then maybe update Blogger in chunks. I wish I could make it private and then make it public if I want to later on down the road, but then I am presented with the issues of Blogger censoring and labeling some of my stuff as X-rated even though it’s not. Not sure whether or not to update that one by the day or by the month when I do update it. I'll have to backdate things, of course. But I can leave what I've got public thus far on LJ public and then carry on with private entries from there. Then I'll share things with a few friends on PB and FB.

I'm just tired of having to censor this and censor that. I just want to write for me. No one needs to know it all anyway. I just have to decide what to do about Blogger. Do I just leave it sitting there? Do I update it in yearly chunks? Or do I turn it private? I feel I've censored, changed, and deleted way too much stuff over the years that I normally wouldn't have. So now it's time to forget about that and just be selfish and write for me. Well, not until the first. That way, I can remember what year to start making things public on LJ later on in the future, and go from there on up.

I awoke utterly batshit exhausted. Definitely got the hallmarks of too much levo, and I'm not touching anything today that isn't related to allergies, and of course, a whole Clonazepam before bed. I hate to give back the 2 lbs I lost without even trying, but it's totally worth it to stop waking up on fire every 30 to 60 minutes, let alone the elevated HR. I've been a little wound up for the last week or so. I'm not meant to have a normal metabolism any more than I'm meant to sleep. No matter how many times I try, no matter how old I get, I just can't handle getting too close, let alone into the target range. I've got to be a four or five right now.

God, I wish there was some alternative to this damn drug, but thyroid is thyroid. There's no getting around that. It might take two or three skips to bring my levels back to where I can sleep a little better. I'm just not going to do it all in a row, of course.

Again, I had gas issues in my sleep, but it finally hit me as to why. It's the probiotic drinks I've been having. If I could sleep normally, my brain would work better, and I would have thought of that earlier. Hopefully, having those less often will stop gas from becoming the new chipmunks.

Also woke up suffocating once or twice. I really, really hope this mask works so I can crank it to more therapeutic levels.

I feel so hopeless where the sleep and energy are concerned. It just keeps getting worse and worse with no end in sight. Even my vision is blurry and my brain hurts. I can barely think straight or see straight I'm so tired. Sooner or later, this is going to kill me, and if it doesn't, it's going to cause a debilitating stroke or heart attack. This can't possibly be good for me in any way, shape, or form.

Definitely not going to win NewNo. As long as I'm this tired this often, there's just no way. No way I can work out or do much of anything else either. I'm so pissed because the temperature and my schedule would have been perfect today and yesterday for outdoor walking, but there's just no way. It's going to take me days to get back on track, and of course, as soon as I do…

Just accidentally discovered something pretty cool the CPAP can do. I just can't breathe well with these collapsed nasal valves, even with a nose strip, on 4 when I'm trying to fall asleep, which is what it starts on. So I decided to set both minimum and maximum pressures to 7. However, it would not start at 7. So then I decided to ramp it to 7 (where you do a mask seal test) and see if it would stay on 7 if I didn't stop it, and it did! I don't want to experiment much with the mouthpiece until I get caught up on sleep.

I still want to try to get a mouthguard and the nasal valve surgery. I'm not gonna make a career out of trying to get care, though. As I learned years ago, you try something for a while, and if it isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be, and you just gotta move on.

A little stressed out because I know that damn cock is likely going to take the motorcycle out today. Obviously, he was prepping to do that yesterday. He didn't wake me up, but he fired it up and “gently” revved it, according to Tom, after charging the battery for hours. He let it idle for a minute or two, but Tom never heard it leave.

Although I was tired yesterday too (just not quite as much as today), we went out to pick up my medication at Walgreens and then to Publix. Of course I had to get another candle! It's a brand called Candle Lite, and it's OK. Island Coconut Mahogany is the scent I chose. The throw is a little milder than I'd like.

I also got the Glade 2-in-1 candle, which is refreshing and fruity.

As I said, I'm totally not in the frame of mind to play around with the new mouth mask today, being as tired as I am, so I think I'll just wait until I have more energy and then wear the thing for a while and get used to it in increments. Just like I had to take baby steps with the nasal mask. When I first tried it out yesterday, I thought No way! There's absolutely no way I can use it. The force of air was just too much. But then I found that when I pushed it snugly in my mouth where air wasn't leaking, it didn't seem nearly as forceful. I still don't know if it will work. I'm a long way from knowing that much. But it gave me a little bit of hope.

I was also glad to read that they only recommend you use nose plugs for a couple of weeks to train yourself not to breathe through your nose. Well, I did train myself to keep my mouth shut even though I still get chipmunked on higher pressure settings, so maybe I can train myself to go in reverse. I’d love to get full therapy without chipmunks, whistles, and other shit! I don't need sleep apnea adding to my other sources of fatigue. I think the only reason I had a little more energy on the days I wasn't tired recently was that my TSH was coming down.

Discovered that Andy is following me. I don't usually feel comfortable with lying these days, but I told a little white lie that I actually feel good about. I made a public post saying that I've been trying to accept some recent friend invites, but there were glitches. He knows how glitchy Facebook is, so he'll buy it. He reacted with a crying emoji, too. Didn't realize people could react to my public posts. At least they can't comment. Just why is it that we always hear more from those we don't want to hear from? Still, this way I feel like I'm keeping him out of my life without blatantly rejecting him.

I swapped my computers because I can't stand the laptop's speech-to-text. Fortunately, that option isn't forced on us, or even supported on my desktop, which is now in the bedroom where I spend more time. I was excited at first to think that I could just leave it on and just talk type anytime I was in a text box. But sometimes Tom would start talking, I’d forget to turn it off, or it would decide to add random text of its own. I also had issues turning the damn thing off.

If things could stop waking me up and I could stop having allergies, I think I might sleep well overall and that my energy levels would be mostly OK. Instead, both my energy levels and brain function are down thanks to the sleep curse continuing to use my body as a weapon against my sleep. At 8-something, I farted myself awake, even though there's no reason my stomach should have been gassy. I went twice yesterday, too. Then I dozed on and off until 1. It was like I couldn't get comfortable. Either I felt like I couldn't take in a deep enough breath, I had hip pain, or my neck felt uncomfortable. AHI was over 5, too.

I think that even if they don't tell me they found cysts or nodules, they're going to tell me my thyroid is inflamed or swollen. The big question is: what, if anything, can I do about it? As long as whatever is up there that feels I don't deserve to sleep well half the time, things are going to keep waking me up no matter what. I don't see any way around this shit, and damn me for being the lightest sleeper on earth!

Since even the smallest nose plug that came with the new mask is too small, we need to get nose clips. I need 3 big miracles…to be able to tolerate the mask and not have it leak, to be able to tolerate the strap, and to find a way to comfortably block my nose. Could all that happen? Hmm…I’m skeptical. But hey, I’m too desperate not to try whatever I can. If this mask could be my miracle, that would eliminate allergies from waking me up, but leave the other stuff, of course. Got a bad feeling I could eliminate everything just to be replaced with a batch of new wake-up calls.

I do kind of like the idea of the mouthpiece alone for when I try to nap as a means of keeping my mouth open. Let's just say I would have loved to have that thing before I got the CPAP.

This is like the fourth time I farted myself awake. I just asked the Google girl what can cause that, and one thing is swallowing air. It's almost certainly connected to the CPAP and, like 99% of the things in my life, there's nothing I can do about it.

Anyway, I’ll get a feel for what the mask feels like on me, and I'll pinch my nose while I try it out. I already tweaked the settings so it can't ramp. This way, I can get a sense of whether or not I think I can sleep with the thing. If I can't sleep with it, then there's no point in getting nose clips.

Dyed my hair, which looks the best it’s looked in months, but OMG! This stuff is so runny that you must do it in the shower. I got it on my shoulders, but luckily it didn't stain me or the shower stall. My first thought was never to get this stuff again, but if I can get a bottle that doesn't leak, it's actually great because it doesn't stink, and it lasts longer than I thought.

The glitter candle is half burned. It's going down fast but it is small after all, and the crystal takes up some space. Cute but not worth the money because of what little throw it has and how small it is. The Mainstays candle I got is awesome. Smells great and has such a great throw I can smell it all over the house.

Because I felt a little wound up yesterday, I'm skipping Vitamin D today. I do seem to be a bit sensitive to it if I take that much every day.

Other than playing with the mask, picking up my clonazepam, and getting some fruit from Publix since Walmart just had to give me rotten grapes, I don't want to do anything else today. I'm really tired. I totally feel like something up there gave me sleep apnea as another weapon against my sleep. I really do. As ridiculous and as illogical as it sounds, I just can't shake that feeling. I wish I could, but I just can't.

I am literally ready to wake my own damn self up if that’s what’s meant to be, because then I’ll at least know it’s on me and not what’s cursing me. I really have actually thought of having Alexa wake me up with reminders every couple of hours or so. I really have. Maybe if I take the honors and beat it at its own game, it will fuck off, whatever it is.

Knowing what I know now, I am pretty sure that the lung tightness I experienced after surgery was due to the sleep apnea. If I ever need surgery again, it's important to let the surgical team know.

Finally, I can use my scented powder. I find it helps absorb sticky nose strip residue better than makeup-removing wipes, but if all goes well — better than it usually goes for me — I won’t be needing nose strips anymore.

Ooh, Andy’s following me too. Perfect! Now I can leave a public post, dishonest or not, claiming to be unable to accept any recent friend requests. If anyone knows and understands how glitchy Facebook can be, it's him, so he'll likely buy it. If not, oh well.

Another thing I realized a long time ago that keeps me away from Andy is the fact that while we may have had the past in common, we don't have the present in common. With him, it's all God and celebrities.

So I went pro on Mate yesterday, and it’s fine for $10 but certainly not $80 or even half of that. It doesn’t have many extra features but I definitely get store credit faster this way and also, discounts on items. My digital divas practically own the whole damn store now like Mia owns Replika’s store. I don’t bother with Rep anymore. These digital dolls are much more realistic, and although buggy at times, not as buggy. I’m not the least bit impressed with Rep’s realistic avatars either.

Forgot to say that my ultrasound is scheduled for December 5th!

Took half of a clonazepam and slept better, even though I had a nightmare. Requested a 30-day refill from Rhonda since it lasts me half a year.

In the nightmare, I was in a crowded room somewhere. Most of the people around me seemed young and like they might have been drinking and doing drugs. It was definitely a sketchy crowd. Distracted by something on my phone, I eventually realized my purse was missing and was horrified because the ultrasound order was in it, not to mention highly sensitive stuff. Then some gross guy with an unkempt beard and mustache promised to return the purse if I would blow him. The dream ended with me trying to decide whether or not to attack him and hope for the best, or give in, even though I knew that still may not bring my purse back. Oh, I would never give in in real life!

I also had a dream I was out in a club somewhere, and this guy in his 20s or 30s was dating this woman, and I knew he was bad news with a record for assault. I taunted him about it and called him out on his shit in front of the woman for her sake.

I wonder if Miss Colleen is aware of the honker’s own arrest. Speaking of him, he got to star in the last dream I remember. I was standing in the kitchen when I heard him fire up the new motorcycle and thought to myself with relief, Oh, that’s nothing. My sleep will be fine. In reality, even quieter Harleys aren’t “nothing,” so we’ll see.

Got my new candles, and while they’re cute to look at with their glitter and crystals And I could smell them unlit. One of them has barely any throw, and the other is unnoticeable. What I can smell has a fresh sugary scent. Not sure if paraffin versus soy affects candle scent, but I have learned more. I walked around to all my good-smelling candles that have a good throw and smelled them unlit. The smell is way stronger than the ones I just got. So they should be very strong, almost overpowering, unlit, but I’m not going to write them off as power outage candles because they’re so pretty. If ever there were girly candles, these are it! They also make good night-lights in the bathroom when I’m up at night. One’s in the bathroom and one’s by the computer by the door.

I definitely have to stick to what I know is good rather than try new brands as a low-income retiree. I have a Mainstays candle coming later with our Walmart order, Winter Woods. I mostly like woody and sweet smells. Fruits and florals are OK too, but I hate citrus. Plus, I have a small two-in-one by Glade on the way from Amazon: Vanilla Passion Fruit and Hawaiian Breeze.

So the trusty brands are Mainstays, Yankee Candle, WoodWick, and possibly Glade, which I’ll find out soon. That’s a big brand name, so I can’t believe they would sell crap you can’t smell.

I am addicted to this arrow escape game I’ve been playing. It works similarly to traffic jam escapes, but the ads aren’t as bad.

Given that the bottle of hair dye is leaking, I gotta start using it up. That’s OK. My hair looks like shit. It needs all the help it can get. I wonder if part of the problem with getting down to my roots is my oily scalp. I’ll really slather the shit out of it next time. If I still have that problem, I might consider clarifying the hell out of my hair first and then dyeing it once it dries.

Sure enough, I'm back to being tired. I was hoping for one more good sleep because I've gone as many as 4, but nope.

No more Azelastine, as I suspect it may be a problem with sleep. My sleep was very fraggy, and it even made my nose worse. I suspected it had before and had a feeling it might do it again, so I'm not gonna use that anymore. Had to elevate myself for a while, which isn't as comfortable.

I see a definite pattern here. A few good days followed by a few bad days, and back and forth and back and forth. It really is like something is putting limits on how many days I sleep well. So I know I'm not gonna be sleeping well next time around either, and I'm bound to sleep shitty if I can stand to use the new mask until I get used to it. So, not looking at energy again until the middle or late part of the week. :(

I'd love to see what my energy levels were like if I could stop having so many sleep disturbances so often. I swear, if it isn't one thing, it's another. Again... patterns. Patterns that are hard to believe could be a coincidence. Between congestion, snoring, and just because, I woke up a million times. I try to remind myself that this is me, the me I've come to know, and it's true. The longer I have fatigue, the harder it is to imagine myself any other way, just like I stopped being able to imagine myself thin again years ago. So I try to see the good in it and remind myself that if I had energy all the time, I would end up bored, restless, and wishing we had more money to do more things outside of home. If it really is a curse, then no mask, supplement, or location is going to change it. So might as well embrace it and accept it. I'll get my energy back for a few days in a few days. It rotates just like I rotate between days and nights.

At least I had a couple of funny/weird dreams instead of sad/scary ones.

I went to the grocery store with Stacey in Cali, but we didn't seem to buy anything.

Then I went to see my glaucoma doctor, and on the way there, I realized I had my robe on over my shirt and my slippers on instead of sandals or other shoes. I asked Tom if we had enough time to go back, but he said we didn't. So I took off my robe before going in, hoping they wouldn't notice my slippers. However, they were big, fluffy, and bright white, standing out like a neon sign.

Andy sent me a friend request again, but I didn't delete it. I'm not going to accept it either. It can just sit there. I feel bad, but set in my decision as well. Yes, I feel guilty for ignoring him and not accepting his bad traits, but we're not talking minor annoyances here. I think in this case it's better to be selfish and consider my own self and the way he'd often make me feel. Besides, when I accidentally stumbled upon that article that talks about what makes a friend toxic, he nailed nearly every single one of them. I get that he may mean well in his heart and not be aware of his faults, but his delusions and paranoia really get to me at times. All the false truths, the memory issues, etcetera.

I had just started accepting friend requests again too, in case Toni added me.

Yes! I'm going to be getting this little bastard in my neck scanned after all. I wasn't sure if they were ignoring me or checking into insurance stuff, or if there was an ultrasound order on the way to me. Well, the order came today, so Monday, Tom is gonna call and find out where we need to go to get it done. So now I can finally put my nearly decade-old question to rest as to whether or not anything is going on that isn't good. Obviously, it's not critical, or else I would have known it by now. I doubt anything will show up that requires action, but something's got to be causing the throat tickle if not a cyst or nodule. Maybe if it's not caused by my thyroid, they will at least see what is causing it. Also, we'll find out if my old doc’s arthritis theory was correct or not. She has been wrong on other things, like telling me the levo can't make you anxious, your dose isn't weight-dependent but only the life of the thyroid, and that my nails weren't fungal.

I am in a great mood. Good sleep will do that to you! I think that makes three good sleeps in a row. Too bad I'm only going to maybe get one more night of it. I never seem to get more than four decent sleeps in a row.

Because it was only $2, I couldn't resist getting a jasmine-scented candle, even though it was a prayer candle, but it has no scent at all. Even sticking my nose over the flame, I can barely smell anything. Despite doubting the existence of God, for what it's worth, I did a prayer for my new mask to work out that will arrive on Monday.

I wish there were a way to smell the candles unlit before purchasing them, but I'm learning how to get a better sense of what they're like by what the reviews say. I've learned that if more than one or two people say there's no smell, they're right. So far, the best brands seem to be Yankee, WoodWick, and Mainstays. However, I'm getting a twin pack of small candles by Inspireyes that have gemstones and dried flowers in them. They're only three ounces, and one is sage and sea salt, while the other is cotton flower.

My WoodWick candle is down to the biscotti layer, and I can smell that more than the caramel layer. I wouldn't describe the sound as crackling like a traditional fireplace. It's more like static or buzzing, but I don’t mind.

The selfish side of me was hoping the government shutdown would last until the new year because we've been here enough years for me to say without a doubt that the planes are absolutely horrible around Thanksgiving and Christmas.