I just called asking for Nervous at work, and Dick, his boss answered and he goes, “What’s he look like? We have a lot of people working here.”

So I said he was bald and had a big fat gut. Then when Nervous got on the phone I told him to tell Dick that me and my friends missed putting funny messages on his machine, but that we won’t cuz Dick is a nice guy.

Nervous has to bring Sasha to the vet today and he better tell them like he said he would that Sasha’s now his cat and to send the bill to him. Then he’ll be up at the store, and I want him to meet me when I get out of school.

Yes! I’m going back to school! I forgot to write about it. I called Jean, the owner of Dunaeff School of Performing Arts and even though she has a waiting list, she’s gonna take me in. And it’s tough to get in, but she’s heard me sing and always said that in her opinion I had a beautiful voice, and of course they have to be honest cuz if you don’t have a voice, they can’t train you, so they’re not gonna waste their time and yours. They have to feel that you have very good potential.

Bill H is still there. He helped me before and is a really good teacher. He will help keep my voice in shape which is all I really need since I’m already trained. This guy worked miracles for me overnight along with good old Nana and Pa’s spirits. (I never did write about the bizarre experiences I had that I believe Nana and Pa were connected to) Anyway, if you suck, he’ll make you good. If you’re good, he’ll make you fantastic. Of course, it would help 100% if I didn’t smoke.

I am at the store now. I rolled out of bed at the last minute and was dead exhausted. I never fell asleep till about 3:00 this morning. Maybe I’ll go to bed early tonight and record tonight’s shows, Matlock, In the Heat of the Night, and Midnight Caller. I need to buy more blank videotapes.

I just called Nervous. He’s gonna call me later cuz he’s gonna be on the road all day.

I’m gonna call Fran’s and if his machine comes on I’m gonna press *37 and hear his messages. Tracy told me and Andy about that. I guess you can call the phone company to get that so you can hear your messages no matter where you are.

I’m finished with both Tracy and Fran cuz of their bullshit, and I also never got my $10 back I lent Tracy. There I was thinking she wouldn’t take advantage of me or Andy! Now the fucking con artist has nobody, and I hope Bobbie tosses her out on the street.

Later...

The phone company says they may get *59 within a year. That’s supposed to automatically dial the last person to call you. It won’t do me and Andy any harm if people auto-dial us while we’re making our calls cuz sooner or later someone’s gonna call them, erasing our numbers from the auto-dialer.

I can’t call Fran from this phone cuz Carl has a rotary phone here which sucks.

Today I’ve got to mail a check for the phone, rent, gas, and electricity.

I just got back from therapy and I’m at the store now.

We went to the Pub Friday and Saturday night. We saw Kacey. She was dancing with Linda who called a couple of times asking questions. I told her like it is. Or like it was.

I saw Tracy too, (not Fran’s friend) and we were talking for a while. Can you believe she’s still with her lover Nancy?! That’s a long fucking time. She said she just got lucky and she too, was about to give up thinking she’d never ever get a girlfriend. Yeah, well I’m still not stupid. I know what’s destined for me and what’s not.

There were some very feminine girls there too, who were mostly straight, of course. One was both ways, though, but seemed the least bit interested in me. Another girl, who was gorgeous, was with another girl but she kept eyeing me. She was weird, though, and I don’t know if the looks she was giving me were sexual and perhaps violent, too. It looked it. Or maybe she was on something. People are weird and very confusing. Andy says she was checking me out for future reference cuz she can’t be with that girl forever which may be true, but will God let me have someone looking like that? Even if I got her she probably wouldn’t be around too long and may be a liar, thief and a druggie.

Then I met this girl, Cherrie, who’s pretty, but she and the guy she lives with, who Andy knows too, are coke addicts and they’re also into threesomes and orgies. No way could I ever dig that!

After the Pub on Saturday night, we went to Longmeadow and egged a dozen cars. When I told Martha about it and why I did it she was actually amused by it. I told her that since I behave so damn well most of the time, I felt I was entitled. Also, I get so much anger built up inside cuz of the way people are and how life is a lot of the time that I feel the need to lash out periodically. I’m tired of having to be perfect while everyone else fucks up and gets away with it. No more Ms. Nice Girl, although I’ll never do a fraction of what most people do.

It’s freezing in here. Carl’s supposed to be on his way to fix the heater.

I made it to work exactly on time. In fact, I was 3 minutes early. This guy just came into the store that I would’ve flipped head over heels for if I was straight. He was very good-looking.

Last night, after I finally got home, I watched Twin Peaks and took a shower. You could see I got massive color from the beach. Jai noticed it immediately, but it was mostly on the front side since it was just too cold to lie on my stomach.

Later...

This guy just came in and right away my ESP said he was trouble. He came up to the register with two cans of soda, and as I was ringing them up, he quickly snatched my lighter. I simply grabbed his wrist, took the lighter out of his hand and said, “You want a lighter, you ask, and it’s 59¢.”

Patrick, this regular customer, asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said I was gay he confessed that he was bi and had been to the Pub and the Frontier before. It’s amazing how many people out there are gay or bi or have thought about it. Andy would definitely be attracted to this guy. I know his type.

At last, we are on our way to the beach! We’ve been dying to get here. We’ll be there in about half an hour. I’m totally starving so we’re gonna stop first at the old Cumberland Farms right outside the gate that enters the beach.

I wonder what the fuck Mom and Dad plan on doing with the cottage? I really hope they don’t sell it, or if they do, I hope they at least give it to Tammy and Bill and let it stay in the family.

Later...

My parents do have their cottage up for sale. Andy’s is for sale, too.

It was fucking freezing! We were so pissed! I did get some color, but not a whole heck of a lot cuz I couldn’t put up with being so cold that both me and Andy put our shirts and pants on and then we even had to put our coats on too. It got cold fast and foggy, too.

We went to see Mrs. Labriola, an old lady I’ve known since I was a kid. She looked good, but for some reason, I can’t help but feel she doesn’t have too much time left.

After that, we went to the Ames department store in Old Saybrook. I bought two tube tops, a shirt, and Opium scented lotion, but it’s awful.

Then we went to Tammy’s. She looks ok but seems stressed out. I think it’s got something to do with Bill. Lisa looks great, and Becky is turning out to be so cute!

Right now I am watching Matlock. Next is In the Heat of the Night, and lastly (I hope it’s still on), is Midnight Caller.

After work today I laid out on the back porch and I did get a faint trace of color. Better some than none.

This Thursday Andy and I are going to the beach!!! On the way back I guess we’re gonna stop at Tammy’s.

I’m at the store now. Saturday I had a blast. I met Paula on Friday, then Saturday I went over to her place like I did Friday after work. Saturday night, Andy and I went to the Enfield Mall where I finally got the jacket of my dreams for $86. It’s black suede with fringes. It’s beautiful!

I came into the store to relieve Dotty and just a few minutes ago Joel came in and I asked him in Spanish if he spoke Spanish and he nodded. Then about 30 seconds later, he goes, “What did you say?” I said that I had told him that I spoke Spanish too, and he nodded. Then he said, “I nodded as if it was just anyone speaking, but I didn’t expect it from you.”

It’s amazing how most Spanish people are surprised if an American speaks it. They usually expect it from only other Spanish people.

I’ll be here from 3-7.

I ran into Paula B at the store the other day who’s a year younger than me, and gorgeous with nice white teeth and dark hair and eyes. She’s flaky, though. She’s part Italian. She’s on disability like Fran, Stuart, Bobbie and myself, and has a 2-year-old son, Robert. I don’t think she really enjoys being a mom, though.

I knew her from the Harley Hotel. She bullied everyone but me around till she got fired. We were both housekeepers there 5 years ago. I worked there for 16 months. She lives a few buildings away, and I stopped up to see her earlier.

I woke up to the landlord ringing the doorbell to check the thermostat, and I looked at the clock that I forgot to set before going to bed last night and said, oh shit! I thought for sure I was fired and I said to myself, “If you lose this one, you have no one to blame but yourself.” But everything’s ok.

The landlord said he had to readjust the anticipator, whatever the hell that means. Then I told him I was sorry for the mess in here and he laughed saying, “I thought it looked pretty good.”

I’m glad he thinks so. I have so much clutter and so many dishes to do. He came in last week, noticed my hall light was out and changed the bulb which was really nice.

Here I am at the store again, and I’m finally waking up fully now. I fell asleep last night at 10:15 and got up at 7:15. I would’ve gone to sleep earlier, but I ended up over at Steve’s and we had a great talk. He is the most positive and understanding person. Why are all the good people either straight, gay and taken, gay and uninterested, or guys? I know Springfield’s the wrong place to be if you’re looking for an attractive, feminine woman who’s decent anyway. The whole state is mostly full of jerks, be they male, female, gay or straight.

I am at the store once again after only sleeping 1½ hours, but that’s my fault cuz yesterday I slept all damn day.

Last night I was so fucking horny for Kacey. She was fantastic in bed. I wished I could call her up and ask if we could just have sex here and there, but it wouldn’t be purely sexual cuz we do like each other and are attracted to each other, and we wouldn’t have to spend days or even a whole night together cuz she doesn’t want commitment and neither do I. It’s gonna be years before I’m ever gonna be ready to consider another short-term relationship. I also know God would only allow me to be with someone very briefly, anyway, like 2-4 weeks and that’s ok, but I hope the next woman is my type like Kacey was and just as attractive if not more. I’ll never be with anyone. I may not have a child, but I don’t know for sure. It’s too soon to say, but if I ever do, it’ll be years from now. But I am not gonna give up my music, no matter what.

People say to me when I’m not singing well, oh, it’s only a temporary setback. Well, I have too many setbacks. Why oh why can’t I fucking quit smoking?!

Later...

I can’t believe how dead this store is. It usually is, but now it’s deader than dead. The kids are all on school vacation, therefore, I figured it would be busier, but I guess they’re all sleeping in late. It’ll pick up later, though I hope it doesn’t. I’m exhausted.

I wanna get laid so bad! To fantasize is always my favorite way so I can have it just the way I want it with someone gorgeous who accepts me and loves me for what and who I am, but since the “in” thing these days is just sex, it would be nice once in a while with someone as good in bed as Kacey was and with her personality, too. And looks too, naturally. The day I settle for someone who’s both ugly and a jerk or someone that’s right for me who’s ugly, or a beautiful asshole is the day I win the lottery. Gotta have my cake and eat it too, no matter what.

Later...

I wish 3:00 would hurry the fuck up and get here.

Steve just came in and bought $8 worth of stuff, and I forgot to give him my keys to forward my line in case that girl tries to call.

I called the Harley to see what kind of reference they’d give, and all the general manager said, whom I never knew, was that I worked there and gave the dates. He said he didn’t feel it was right to say anything more since he wasn’t there when I was there. He also said that if I, who gave a false name and business, of course, wanted any more information I had to mail him a company letter and then get my permission for a release of information.

Louis said he called there and the manager had said I was a good worker.

Later...

Why does everyone hit the store at once!?! I mean, really! As soon as someone comes to the window, someone knocks on the door, then, someone else comes to the window. Or, someone comes to the window and you get them what they want as two more people come to the window. Then you ask the first person if that’s all they want, they say yes and you go to wait on the second person, then the first person wants something else. Another thing is that as soon as the phone rings or I go to make a call or to the bathroom, someone just has to come in.

Is God testing my patience?

Good God was I tired this morning! I didn’t fall asleep till almost 3:30 again. No noise kept me up. It’s just that I’m a night person. Always have been, always will be.

Yesterday I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. Just the rapists and murderers. I had the worst period cramps in a long, long time and had to leave yesterday at noon. Maybe it’s cuz I’ve gained 5 pounds. Shit, it looks like I’ve gained 10 and I think I have a hideous shape, although people think I’m nuts when I say that. Anyway, the more I weigh, the worse my cramps are.

I’m really enjoying this job, even though I sit here doing nothing 90% of the time. I see no difference between sitting at home or sitting here.

I spoke with Steve and Jai briefly yesterday, and Steve should be stopping in soon. His ex-wife is really doing a number on him or trying to, and in this case, I have to admit it’s the woman who’s fucked up.

Although I’ll always be attracted to women, and we all know they’re far less brutal than men, I’m starting to be a little turned off myself. I don’t trust them as much anymore. I mean, they’re supposed to be calling the 900-line cuz they want to meet someone, right? So, why do they always give you the wrong number then? Or no number? Or set up a time to meet and not show up? What’s the fucking point? Do they just get a kick out of leading someone on? Well, it’s my turn now. If this girl Lisa shows up this Sunday, that is. She sounds pretty sane compared to most and I like the idea of someone not too close (she’s from Fairfield, CT), but I’m just not ready to get involved and if I ever am able to get involved, it’s not gonna be for many, many years. Maybe occasional sex here and there, but that’s only if we click right away and if she’s gorgeous, though I doubt I’ll meet someone all that gorgeous unless she’s straight, gay and taken, or gay and not interested. But either way, it’s not worth the hassles, and I find I really want to be alone more and more as time passes. I’m so used to it, too. And again, I’m usually too moody. I get scared. I know it’s bullshit if they say they care and have feelings for me. And they don’t want to get to know you. They’d rather watch TV, go to the movies, read a book, eat dinner, and meanwhile, you remain very calm and say nothing about yourself and don’t dare mention music, cuz it’s in one ear and out the other one. You simply talk about your sexual appearance, if you speak about yourself at all, then they’re gone.

Later...

I feel so much better today. No cramps, though I woke up pretty damn congested, but what do you expect when you only sleep 3 hours?

I tried to call Steve, but his computer was hooked up to the phone.

I’m amazed that the second my alarm goes off, I hear it instantly. I’m not on any medication. When I was, I could never wake up to it, but now I can, even with just a few hours of sleep.

Louis is such a nice guy. He and I have the same personal feelings about how much easier it is to be alone. He told me not to tell anyone, but that he was in the funny farm for a while. I told him I was, too. He’s very encouraging and cheerful. Practically all my fears of working have vanished. I’m a little tired in the morning until I have my coffee. I like this job even though it’s dead. Better dead than a zoo, like I said before. And it’s under the table even though it’s only $3.50, but any bit will help. And I don’t have to take buses.

Later...

Well, only 3 more hours to go. I got 19 hours in, so that’s $68.35. Pay day’s Friday.

Dotty’s son Chad’s here doing his laundry. He has to work after I leave in a few hours. He just woke up. I told him he could go back home and that I’d finish his laundry.

Maybe Betty, the woman next door in the salon, can trim my hair after work. It hasn’t been trimmed in 15 months and needs a good inch hacked off. I want it one length. It’ll take a while to get it even, but it’s a hell of a rat’s nest. If I could get a dollar for every split end I have, I’d be rich.

Later...

Two more hours to go. I guess Andy and I are going shopping later. I hate grocery shopping, though I really need to go. I still have to get my food stamps first.

Tracy, and possibly Bobbie too, are supposed to be coming over later tonight. If for some reason they don’t, I’m gonna tell Tracy to just mail the $10 I loaned her. I’m not waiting any longer for it. I should’ve known better, though, than to give it to her. I’m gonna try and call her now.

I was about to write, then had to stop to wait on a few people. Now it won’t pick up again till noon and right around 3:00 when everyone gets out of school.

Both Andy and Nervous stopped in yesterday.

I hope everything’s ok with Steve. I know he’s been working his ass off at the base like crazy cuz of an inspection. But last night around 9:30, as I was trying to fall asleep, my doorbell rang. It was a cop who gave Steve a summons. For what, I have no idea. This cop was nice and I could tell he liked me, but if I was straight I could never get a cop. I never could get people with certain jobs like lawyers, doctors, or anything like that. And women seem to want ugly or plain-looking women.

Andy says that yes, butch wants fem, but fem wants fem, too. Well, that’s not what I’ve noticed. That’s why Stacey wasn’t interested in me. She wants butchy. I’m glad, though, that that’s the way it turned out cuz she wasn’t my type. Again, she’s not ugly, but she doesn’t turn me on either. We had met at Andy’s NA meeting (Andy’s a pothead), and I’m not really cool with the idea of seeing an alcoholic, anyway.

Well, I am at the store now. Louis has finally gotten his full-time trucking job so now I’m here full-time, Monday-Friday. I just finished calling in the milk order. I got here at 7:30, but last night I didn’t fall asleep till 3:30 cuz I’m a night person and the fucking drug dealers wouldn’t shut up. What is this neighborhood coming to? It’s getting to be just like Oswego Street!

Ito, this 12-year-old kid who’s skipping school is here with me. We played a game of concentration. He’s a nice kid. The store sure is dead though. Everyone’s either in school or working. Maybe when Carl’s here at noon to get Ito to go shopping for store supplies, I can run up to my place to get some laundry. The washer and dryers are good here and I’ve got nothing better to do.

I wonder if Nervous will stop in later? I told him he could.

Dotty just stopped in. She works weekends and after I leave at 5:00.

I had a very good talk with Dad on his birthday. He enjoyed his tape and the card I made him and also the pictures I sent him that Kacey took. Yes, Ma still sounded quite grumpy. Tammy said she did, too.

Ok, I just put on a tape of Juice Newton in the kitchen.

Can you believe it’s snowing out there again? Anyone who lives around here probably can. I mean, that’s New England for you. We’ve been having crazy weather.

Guess what I got? Another guinea pig. This one’s huge!! Ten times bigger than any other one I’ve had before. I named him Tiger cuz that’s what his big furry face reminds me of. He’s so unusually friendly and calm, though, just like Toffee is. They seem to like each other, too. They’re each in a 10-gallon cage right next to each other where they can see each other.

It’s a lot easier to clean two small cages, rather than one big one, and a 10-gallon is certainly too small for more than one pig. I got him yesterday when I was out with Jessie.

I went to Food Fart with her, then we went to Friendly’s and couldn’t resist getting one of the egg and cheese specials, so I got one and I was fine! I’m thrilled! Plus, I really do feel much better since I got the antibiotic. Yes, I’m still a little stuffy and congested but I will be as long as I continue to smoke and who knows if I’ll ever quit? It’s great not always having to take my inhaler, though, or feeling like I’m gonna suffocate to death or have a heart attack.

I wonder what’s up with Steve? I haven’t heard from him in a while. Jessie says he changed his schedule. I gotta call Tracy and Fran and a few other people today. Nervous will call later. He called yesterday but I was asleep so the machine got it. Later, I’ll write about the piano and that 900-line.

Well, a few things have happened since right before therapy last Monday. Therapy was off to a rough start but then it ended fairly well. Martha’s really nice and she really does care, but she doesn’t quite understand me like Trisha did.

Hank didn’t show up so I got a little cash and went to McDonald’s myself.

Tuesday I received my fuel assistance check for the month of February and am still waiting for January and March.

Today I went down to see Dr. McGovern and he’s given me amoxicillin for 10 days. Already I feel a great difference! Thank fucking God! I have a sinus infection and bronchitis due to major congestion.

Me and Jessie called Mom cuz Jessie wanted to ask her if she still has any of those French-cut bikinis left like the black and blue one with glitter I have. She wore it when we went to the hotel. Ma sounded very grumpy and snobby. I guess she’s been sick and she herself is on an antibiotic. She said Dad got his tape.

I left another message on the 900-line. My main intention is to hurt people and screw them over. I know it sounds cruel and I don’t want to do it, but I feel I have to. I feel it’s owed to me. It’s my turn for once to lead people on.

Well, when I finally fell asleep yesterday I had been up just about 24 hours, so I’m wide awake now and not too stuffed up since I slept with my humidifier on. I’ll just have to watch the cigarettes. I slept from 6:30 PM to 2 AM. Then around 2:30, I called Andy who was talking to his friend Brian, but he went to sleep right after he was done. He’s got to work today.

Andy left a good 10 minutes or so of his pitiful singing on my machine, but it was so funny. I strongly believe, though, that if a person loves to sing, they should sing, whether they’re good or not.

I briefly spoke to Steve, but he was talking to someone long distance and then he went to bed, too.

Why the hell is everyone awake when I’m asleep and dead to the world when I’m awake?

Nervous left a message on my machine saying he’ll call me today. I haven’t heard from Jessie or Fran, and I guess Tracy’s in Philly till Wednesday.

Well, Dad’s birthday is Thursday. Same day as court. I sent him a tape I made of songs from Linda and Gloria. Side A is Linda. Side B is Gloria.

I’ve got therapy at 10:00, and when I get out I may meet with Hank. He called yesterday like he does every now and then and he sounded good. Says he misses my music and temper tantrums.

Later...

I started making a Gloria medley. Right now I’m listening to a tape of Fran calling Nervous trying to convince him that Nervo’s line is cutting off his and pretending to be the phone company. This is last summer when he had a phone. I can hear Nervous getting so Nervous choking on his breath and spitting as he swears at Fran and Fran swears back saying he’s gonna send the phone company out to his apartment.

Maybe I’ll call Emily and see if she’s up. I haven’t heard from her in a long time, of course, but what else is new? How often does she call me anyway?

Later...

When am I gonna get the bus schedule straight? I stood outside at the stop on my street needlessly for 15 minutes. I should be there at 9:15. Oh well. Fresh air never hurt and I couldn’t fucking breathe. Of course, I forgot my inhaler.

I hope to hell Hank remembers to show up so I can eat first, before withdrawing cash but either way I have to pull out cash cuz my food stamps don’t come till the 11th and I need food. Badly. Very badly.

Last night I just watched a little TV, then talked with Jai some.

I spoke with Tracy, too. I was totally impressed with her drumming. She used to play the drums and so she drummed with her hands on the table when she was here to some music, and it was great. I hope she’ll be the drummer in my band someday, cuz not only is she very good, but I also like the idea of a female drummer, even though she’s a butch. A major butch. So, so ugly, too.

My rhythm has always been my weakest area of music, but I sure can easily see when someone else has it down pat.

Earlier I went to the store I work at to get a few things and chatted for a few moments with Carl who owns the place with Louis.

I’m gonna try to sleep as late as I can cuz I have to be wide awake tomorrow for therapy, then I’ll be working tomorrow.

Last night I was over to Andy’s for a few hours watching TV and listening to tapes, and I’ve finally finished all my editing!! I edited all those phone calls with us crossing people, and with Fran and Nervous arguing, amongst a lot of other shit. I’m also gonna continue to work on the funny edits. What I mean by the “funny edits,” is when I take either one word or a quick sentence that’s funny, such as Nervo swearing or getting Nervous. Or Andy, Fran or myself saying something funny, and taping it over and over a few times so it sounds like a broken record. It’s totally hilarious. I don’t think I ever wrote about this before.

Currently, I have someone on the phone, who’s been on now for well over an hour, of course, not saying anything, so I’ve played them the edits and other shit over the phone. I wonder if they’re still listening or if they fell asleep.

I’ll try to write as much as I can about happy things, but right now I don’t feel too cool. I’m lonely, I guess, and the usual battle with smoking is driving me crazy. I feel I’ll never be able to quit, and my asthma and constant congestion are a nightmare! It’s really scaring me. Oh well. Whatever’s meant to be will be no matter what I do or don’t do.

Saturday I get paid and I’m swamped with fucking bills! There are things I need and want that I’ll never be able to get for a very long time.

Yes, I really do want to move to CT and get the fuck outa this city, but I’ll miss my friends and neighbors.

I had a really good session today with Martha. I’m starting to feel more comfortable with her, although I still miss Trisha. Martha sure is one hell of an attractive lady.

Yesterday I slept all day and woke up at 9:00 last night. When I awoke I saw that Jai was back so we talked a while then walked up to Lil’ Peach on Belmont, came back, talked a little more, then Jai went to bed.

Last night I knocked on Steve’s door, but I guess he was asleep. Earlier he had sounded as though he was upset about something.

Andy and I made phone calls last night till 3:00, and I’m staying up till after therapy.

I never did write about what happened with me and Kacey, or about this girl Stacey.

Well, I didn’t fuck Kacey over and she never fucked me over, but we got scared off of one another cuz we’re so used to being alone, and I guess Kacey wasn’t quite ready and her feelings weren’t that strong for me. I definitely know, though, it was more than just sexual, but I also know she never quite got over this girl Angie that she was with for 4 years.

I also think it was God once again having me dumped by one of the decent ones cuz love just wasn’t meant to be for me. Never has been, never will be. I will never, and I repeat never, get involved again cuz it’s just not worth it and I do like to be alone 80% of the time.

I’ll write about Stacey later.

Later...

I am now at CC. I have 20 more minutes till I see Martha.

Linda S just walked by, and I get so embarrassed every time she does cuz of the phone calls I made to her about a year ago. I don’t know if I wrote about it, but I called and hit on her. At first, she didn’t know who the hell I was, but then she recognized my voice.

I’m starting to get pretty tired. I just want to go home and climb into bed, but first I’m gonna call Stacey and have a word with her, and eventually, I’ll write about her. I also have to call John, too.

Right now I am on the phone with Andy making prank phone calls.

Last night I was over at Steve’s and finally fell asleep at 7:30. Then at noon, there was a car accident on Locust St. No one was hurt, but I never went back to sleep so I went down to the store and hung out for about 3 hours and played cards with Louis.

Before I went to the store I talked to John who just got back from Daytona Beach and sounded in a great mood and revived. He needed that vacation.

I’m gonna go listen to music then try to get some sleep. I’m just totally exhausted. Andy’s still gonna be up all night making calls so I told him he could leave them on my machine. He’s got 30 minutes’ worth of tape. He’ll have a field day.

After I came back from grocery shopping with Andy, I ate dinner and went across to Steve’s and gave him some tips on all kinds of stuff such as hair, makeup and nails, and even filed and buffed his nails which he really liked. Then we showed each other pictures from photo albums.

In a little over 21 hours, I’ve had about 5 cigarettes and he’s had maybe 3. I’m really not craving one that bad either, and those 5 that I had were 98% psychological. I think my mind is smart enough and strong enough now to hopefully get up the willpower cuz my lungs and nose are worsening by the day and as time goes on you get madder and madder at feeling so lousy. And then there’s my singing to worry about too, and saving money, gaining weight, and getting a better complexion and blood circulation. It’s amazing how much time it’s been taking too, to realize my price for smoking and that it’s no joke anymore when one day your lungs say, “I can’t take this anymore! Quit!” But then again, I’m not surprised, as it took me years to wean my way off the Navane. Years ago, I never thought I could stop cutting my wrists or that I’d ever make so many personal strides, except for my temper. The only thing I know that can never be is a loving relationship with a woman. As for a baby, I don’t know yet. I do hope so, but that’ll probably never happen either.

I woke up right before my show, watched that, took a shower and went out with Andy for a little while.

John R, this undercover cop I know, who’s also a security guard at Mercy Hospital where we met, is back from vacation. He left a message on my machine yesterday afternoon before I woke up. I’ve known him for a little more than 3 years.

One day I was at the little variety store down the end of Locust, and the guy there, Louis, who’s super nice and lots of fun to work with, hired me. I’ve only worked about 3 days so far cuz I’m waiting for him to leave so I can take over his hours managing the store alone. So basically, those 3 days I worked were just to get me familiar with the store which is very tiny.

Gloria’s in the hospital with a broken vertebrate cuz a huge truck rammed her tour bus in the rear on a snowy road in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I guess she was on her way to Syracuse, New York. That poor girl. I love her so much and I feel so bad for her. I mean, this woman has so much class and is so respected that it doesn’t seem fair. Emilio got a head injury and Nayib broke his collarbone but they’ve been released from the hospital. Gloria’s received tons of phone calls and cards and flowers and I heard that President Bush came to see her.

Later...

In about 20 minutes me and Andy are going grocery shopping at Super Stop & Shop on Boston Rd.

Steve called from work which was so sweet of him. Last night we had a great conversation and we’re both trying to quit smoking together. Since 7:30 yesterday morning, he’s had one which he said made him feel so dizzy he put it out, and since 7:30 yesterday morning I’ve had two and they made me feel like shit so we’re both gonna keep trying to just take one day at a time. Steve said he’s gonna quit regardless of people smoking in front of him.

Steve is a pretty positive and supportive person who doesn’t try to knock down people’s self-esteem.

Earlier I fed George, Jai’s cat. Jai’s in Virginia visiting Jenny. He’ll be back Sunday. Jai and Jenny are also the sweetest people.

It’s been 40 days since I’ve written, and I know I should write every day to keep updated and so I don’t forget anything, whether it’s important or not. If I write on a daily basis I can write not only the important things but also little details too. And the little details may not seem so important now, but someday, after a long time has gone by and I look back on this stuff, I may see things differently.

I am working now down the street at a little variety store/Laundromat called Rub-a-Dub. Of course, it’s in the daytime and it’s under the table at $3.50 an hour, but shit pay’s better than no pay. I wasn’t working today but I stopped in to get some candy bars and some “Lucy’s,” which is when you buy just 3 cigarettes.

Also, I left this journal last Monday in Martha’s office, so I stopped in to pick it up (I wonder how much of this she read). Martha looked great.

Andy drove me today and he had errands to do too, such as stopping at welfare for an hour, then cashing his check.

I’m gonna drop off to sleep, but first I have to go set the VCR for Unsolved Mysteries.

Last night I had a pretty good night with Andy at Denny's, and Andy's got a great possibility of being rehired now that Crosby's gone. I'm not sure if I'll ever be rehired, but I sure could use just 2-3 nights a week so I'm not always so broke and could afford to shop here and there and to go to the beach this summer.

Andy doesn't want to be friends anymore with Fran and Tracy cuz he's just as sick of their lies as I am. They tell lie after lie, and Fran stirs up so much trouble for me and Andy, and Tracy lets him cuz she's so afraid of what this guy Mike, who she claims is the greatest guy, is gonna say or do to Tracy when Fran repeats things Andy or I tell Fran. It's all such petty bullshit. Neither Andy or I need or want any hassles from people who are so screwed up and lie, and Tracy's a major con artist. We don't hate them at all, though, and I'll just continue to be friendly if they call. I can relate to them somewhat, of course, cuz I was once as fucked up as they are, but Andy and I are not gonna put up with any hassles, and we're certainly not gonna keep running round and round in circles with them forever. That's for damn sure.

I'm gonna go get a bite to eat, cuz once again I feel slightly feverish and on the verge of a cold cuz of these extreme temperature changes that never quit.

Before I get to the most important things I want to write about, I have some things to say about Fran and Tracy. They are so Goddamn unpredictable! One minute they're all lovey-dovey, then next they're one fucking explosion! A few weeks back, Fran was off his rocker big time, and I mean big time. He could not take the slightest joke or tease. He'd scream at Andy or Tracy or whoever about such petty bullshit. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that he was off his medication or just tired, but sure enough, just as things were going pretty well between me, Mom, and Dad, Fran had to go and fuck it all up. He called down there saying I was prank-calling him, and of course, Ma believed him. Andy told good old Dureen all about Fran to defend me, and he also spoke to Tammy. Even so, the bitch wouldn't speak to me for a few weeks, and when I called there she was rude, saying things to Dad in the background, so finally I just took the blame and said it was all my fault to make things easier, but Kacey said I should've never done that and that she'd never do that.

Last night I had a blast! I mean, I had the time of my life with Andy and Tracy. First, we went to Denny's and were waited on by Sue and we saw Jayke. A few nights ago we went there too, and saw Bonnie.

Then after that, we went to Nervous's. At first, we were slightly obnoxious, then Tracy got him alone in the bathroom to try to con some money out of him, but it didn't work cuz he has no money right now cuz he just finished paying his rent. He's working now at Feinstein's Leather with a guy named Dick S. I went to school with his daughter Jamie.

So anyway, Tracy's a great con artist. She's from Philly which she has to go back to tonight cuz she has a court case dealing with a woman she conned into giving her her bank card and PIN. Guess she stole a few hundred bucks from her. It took Andy and I a little time to trust her, but we now know for sure she'd never fuck us over. Not the people she really cares about. Only the suckers like Nervous.

While she was in the bathroom with Nervo, me and Andy went through his stuff and Andy re-arranged the pictures on his walls, then stuffed one of them under his loveseat. I wonder if he found it yet. Then, Andy went to open one of his desk drawers and it went crashing to the floor. Nervous came flying out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell and then kicked both me and Andy out saying we broke his drawer which is true. Well, actually, Andy did. I was nowhere near the drawer, but it was so fucking funny! Andy was trying to blame it on Sasha, saying she got scared and jumped under the desk and he was just trying to help her, and I'm thinking to myself, "What a great excuse, M."

So while Tracy was still up talking with Nervo, me and Andy were going through some papers we took in the car, but it was complete junk. I still haven't found anything yet like phone bills with long-distance numbers on them. Only statements to remind him of how much he owes, but he says that by the end of the month, he'll have a phone again, which I won’t believe till I see this happen.

Kacey's home. Bye.

This week Kacey's shift is midnight-8am, and I've been at her place all night after we had a romantic dinner by candlelight of fettuccini noodles, London broil steak, sautéed mushrooms, and baked scallops. Then after that, we took a bath together, also by candlelight.

"For once the romance hasn't been wasted," she said. As mature and as decent as she is, she's had her share of jerks, too. In fact, due to our only getting jerks for so long, we broke up for a few days out of pure fear and shock. We just caught each other totally off guard.

Suddenly, though, all of my fantasies are coming true! Everything I've always wanted to do or the person to be like in my fantasies has come true and is here in this woman! It totally blows my mind. And I am very attracted to her sexually. She's proportioned beautifully, has beautiful hair, does her makeup nicely, and has the attitude, maturity, and stability I've always wanted. My background and music are no problem at all.

She's had some problems with her family too, as a kid, and her two best friends Jules and Cathy, who are lovers, work in a group home for adults. Jules and Cathy look like typical lesbians but seem super nice.

Kacey's the type that you feel so relaxed with and like you can just be your fucking self, she's very understanding of all kinds of people and a great judge of character like I am, but you're out of her life if you fuck her over. She knows I would never do that to her and I feel she'd never do that to me either.

Tomorrow I'll write more and God knows I've got tons of shit to write about which is both good and bad, but mainly good for once. It’s about Andy, Jessie, my family, more about Kacey, and this 38-year-old, wild but funny woman named Tracy. And Fran and Nervous, of course.

I have so much to write about since I haven't been writing regularly. Last time I didn't even get a chance to finish writing about Kacey, as I've been busy, busy, busy.

Kacey's real name is Kathleen and she hates the name Kathy, which is a very common name, so she likes Kacey instead.

She works at a huge chemical plant as a chemical operator, which she's done for 6 years and doesn't really like the people there but says it's good money. She'd really like to get into photography someday, which she's really good at. She showed me tons of pictures she's taken and they're really good. She can draw, too.

We've been spending a lot of time together and the time varies cuz she works rotating shifts. This week she's on 4pm-midnight.

Springfield, MA
Age 24

What luck and a change of cards! And all within the change of decade. Why couldn’t the 90s have been here sooner? On the night of December 10th, I had my first encounter with a woman named Diana E. We had a one-night stand. I didn’t know it was only gonna be a one-night stand though, cuz I didn’t know she’d never call back or returned any of my messages I left with her sister, but I’m sure glad it turned out the way it did, cuz God or whatever’s up there had better plans for me. I think Diana was simply for the initial experience, even though I’m gay and I’ve known it since I was born.

Diana was part black, part Puerto Rican, and only 20 years old! I usually like them to be older and more mature than 20. She was 5’ 4” and a little chunky, but feminine. You wouldn’t know by looking at her that she’s gay. She was once married to a guy and has 3 kids which she says helped her to really mature and I believe that although that’s quite young to have 3 kids.

Midnight, the 28th of December, me and Andy went to the Pub where I noticed this girl with hair down to her waist who was also feminine. I mean, she doesn’t always wear as much makeup or jewelry as I do, or the kinds of clothes I wear, but you would never suspect just by looking at her that she’s gay. As Andy pointed out, though, she sort of looks like she’s still living in the 70s with her cords and long hair, parted in the middle.

So we started talking, but very briefly, cuz I guess she was caught off guard. She too, had been wondering if there were any feminine women out there who didn’t drink or do drugs and who also weren’t assholes. So we just danced for a little while.

That night I learned her name was Kacey C, that she was 29, 5’ 4” tall, and weighs 115 pounds.

Once again I’m on the plane and headed home. I can’t wait to see Andy, and I sure miss my music. The only thing that pisses me off is that I’ve got a lousy cold like I knew I’d be getting sooner or later. I just didn’t think I’d get it before going home. I got it the day after my b-day.

Ma gave me lots of clothes and jewelry for Chanukah.

I sang for Dad several times and he says he can definitely picture me on records and tapes someday and he’s got the feeling now stronger than ever that it is my destiny and was meant to be and will happen.

Well, I’m 24 today and I still feel as young and as fit as a really young kid still filled with energy to run around all day and be hyper and obnoxious at times but in a fun way.

I still can breathe so much better here, except it’s still a little rough of course in the mornings and late at night when I’m tired. I feel no loneliness or boredom or anxiety here, but Mom still can be the usual nag she always was.

I was at Ma’s store today helping her out and she gave me a one-piece bathing suit that is pretty, but I’d rather wear a two-piece, so I tan my stomach and don’t look like an Oreo cookie.

Ma’s being a total bitch right now. I could swear she just told Charlotte I looked like a slut on the phone in her bedroom.

Earlier Dad and I fished from the dock and I was able to get a little sun but it’s chilly now.

Dad’s out cooking steaks on the grill.

Today we went to a flea market and I bought a gorgeous bikini that I saw in a catalog for over $40 and it was only $15. It’s almost like a leopard kind of print and it’s a French cut which means it’s high-waisted and makes you look like you’ve got longer legs. It’s cut just perfectly with the perfect fit.

I also got some postcards which I’m gonna write and mail tomorrow and one of those huge elastics with lots of cloth on it. The one I got is blue denim.

And last of all, I got a beautiful necklace. A short thick gold chain with a red shiny glass stone in the front.

Andy called today to say he misses me already and that he’s got the next 5 days off cuz Crosby’s been giving him shit again and he and I are going to the labor board for damn sure. He says he’s so lost and bored without me. I wish he and I could live down here. I told him I could never begin to describe how beautiful it is here and that he’d have to see it for himself, but sure enough, it’s quite chilly today and will be till Wednesday cuz I’m here. Am I cursed or what? Tammy called earlier and was laughing her ass off at me cuz of the weather I have to put up with when I want to lie out in the sun and get a tan and go swimming.

I sang several songs for Dad which he enjoyed and he says he can see me as a singer someday for sure and he also has this feeling I’ll be making big bucks someday and that it was meant to be.

I asked Ma if she thinks I’ll ever have kids and she said she didn’t know.

Well, I am now on flight 777 and to hell with Springfield for one solid week! I had no problems taking off, either. I didn’t get nauseous or dizzy but my ear is blocked. Unfortunately, though, it is extremely cloudy. I cannot see any houses or cars or buildings. The captain just said we’re at 35,000 feet up and most of the flight will be over water. Here up above the clouds, it is very fuzzy but down below me it’s all clouds that kind of look like snow. When I look straight down I can see the exact same spot for ages so it looks like the plane is really moving a lot slower than it actually is.

Andy brought me to the airport. It was very easy at the counter and boarding. It’s just as simple as taking the bus.

I just read a letter he wrote me that he ordered me not to read till after takeoff. It had a lot of our funny lines and sayings in it. I’m gonna miss him, and I know he’s gonna go nuts and be bored out of his mind without me so he’ll probably leave funny messages on my machine.

Later...

We’re still at 35,000 feet. It’s amazing how smooth this flight is. Last time I could barely write.

I just polished my nails which I didn’t get to do cuz I was up since yesterday at 5pm and fell asleep this morning at 7:00. I didn’t get up till 10:50 when Andy called for the third time. Thank fucking God I heard the phone that time.

I’ll probably polish my toenails when I get there and iron this skirt of mine that’s pretty wrinkled. I did all my dishes except for one which I just rinsed out and a few pieces of silverware. I also never changed my bed. I did vacuum, clean the bathroom, bring out my garbage and do most of the important laundry.

Now the question is, what did I forget? Well, if I forgot anything I’ll figure out just what it is when I get to Florida.

The captain says we won’t be arriving in West Palm Beach till around 4pm. Luckily I have a direct flight this time. The captain says it’s 79º, but I still can’t see anything but clouds.

The stewardesses served soda, coffee and peanuts practically right away. Now they’re serving lunch.

The plane’s getting a little bumpy now. We were over Virginia Beach about 10 minutes ago.

I’m so happy. I really need this vacation and I really think this time I’ll enjoy it and my parents. I can’t wait to see them.

I just received lunch a short while ago and it was gross but airplane food sucks anyhow just like hospital food. I just ate a little rice and carrot cake.

At Bradley, before boarding, Andy bought me lunch just like he bought me dinner at Denny’s two nights ago after going to Annie’s, a straight bar where he has friends that constantly come into Denny’s. He also gave me a $20 bill so I wouldn’t have to stop at the ATM. I’m gonna really make all this up to him. He tells me I’m gorgeous a lot cuz I’ve really improved my looks, my hair, my clothes, my figure and he says, “You are so beautiful that I can’t believe you’ve never been with a woman.”

Is that why I never get hit on by them? Andy’s gay friend Nancy says I’m cute but too troubled. Gee, thanks! Guess she’d rather the druggies. I deserve someone so much more than 95% of the people in this world, but I’ll be alone forever, so better to just accept it now rather than freak out about it. People look at my bad points and never my good ones. Or they misunderstand me or exaggerate my bad points.

Andy says that the reason why people are afraid to hit on me is cuz I’m so good-looking that people feel intimidated and threatened by my looks, so they can go for the ugly druggies all they want and live happily ever after.

My mom better not give me any hassles over my bathing suits or makeup or my other clothes. She’s got to realize that styles change and different people prefer different styles and that it’s not the clothes you wear, but the person underneath.

Later...

I arrived at the airport at almost 4:00, and I feel so much better in the lungs and nose. The air here is so much cleaner and already it’s easier to breathe and I know I could sing my best right now but my mother, of course, would have a heart attack. I can’t wait to spend some time alone with Dad.

We went out to eat and I got a hamburger, then we went swimming at the pool that has a whirlpool. Tomorrow I want to go to the other pool with the beach behind it, but as usual, cuz I’m here I think it’s gonna be overcast and chilly. From now on I really ought to come down in April or September.

Later...

Believe it or not, I’m still wide awake, but very relaxed. It’s weird sleeping with Mom and Dad a few feet away watching TV. See what living alone for 4 years does to you? When they go to sleep, I’m sure I’ll sleep fine. I did the last time.

I’m so thrilled at how much better I can breathe. Springfield is so fucking polluted. I mean, really and you don’t realize it till you get down here. I give anything to live here. This island is so beautiful and so peaceful. No drugs. No crime. No troublemakers and typical males. It sure would be hard to meet other gay women in this area but I’d give my fucking life to live here. There’s no way I could, though. Ma would never ever consider it and I could never do it on my own. Of course, not till I get famous, and what about Andy? It’s just so easy to breathe, though. Could have a tan and wear bathing suits and tank tops and shorts year-round. No heavy coats. No gloves. No hats. No boots. I could breathe, but it’ll do me no good to even dream about it. See, I know medication isn’t the answer. I need to be in a beautiful place like this with the beaches. Then I’d never think of a lover. I’d do just fine by myself.