The daytime continues to be as it usually is… noisy. There’s always something going on around here. Always. Those workers in the white trucks are still doing God knows what at Jackie’s place. 

Tom said they even had a live band playing here again after I’d gone into the bedroom the other day, but they only played two songs. I still would’ve been pissed. I did NOT come here to listen to other people’s music. That’s supposed to be a mainstream thing, not an adult community thing. 

But even in the middle of the night you can hear/see things when we go out on our late-night walks. Sometimes we like to go in the dead of night when it’s more peaceful and there’s less activity. It depends on both the weather and our schedules. 

Both tonight and last night we saw a red vehicle we assumed was either the paper delivery guy or the security guard. The guard doesn’t drive a marked car like he used to. 

There was that weird incident at midnight the night before last, and today a car was parked at the top of the “rollercoaster” which is the highest and darkest location in this posh, gated community. I was jogging toward it when Tom quickly steered me away to the other side of the street. 

Upon passing the car, both doors appeared to be open and I could make out a guy talking to someone in the passenger seat. No dead body with blood all over the place. I asked Tom what he was so worried about and he said that whenever something seems out of place, the smart thing is to avoid it. Yeah, but why would anyone come in here with ill intentions in the middle of the night, even if they had the code to the gate? Wouldn’t it be easier to commit crimes somewhere outside of the park? 

I told him I thought it was more than likely family visiting a sick or dying relative. Tom said it could also be someone with Alzheimer’s who had a psychotic break and may want to kill us simply because they’re convinced we’re monsters. 

Well, we’ll see if the car is still up there when he goes to work. 

Later… 

I’ve been asked if “body parts matter” being bisexual and all that. Nope. I’m pretty much what you’d describe as gender indiscriminate. I know everyone’s different, but for me, personality and overall attraction are what matters. I don’t judge appearance based on any one particular body part but as a whole. If I like you as a person and find you attractive on an overall basis, then your body parts don’t matter. You’re still what I consider attractive, regardless of gender and even race, color and nationality. I may not like certain groups as a whole, but can like certain individuals of those groups if they haven’t personally done anything wrong to me. 

I find our mailman attractive just because he’s a nice guy and is handsome as well. Not because he’s a guy. I found my first PCP attractive too, not because she was a woman but because of her general appearance and personality. She was smart, confident, friendly, open-minded and gorgeous. 

Having fun learning and experimenting with my new juicer, though I’m still kinda sorry I got the thing. Yesterday’s concoction consisted of 1 medium tomato, 1 celery stalk, 1 carrot, a clump of shredded lettuce, and a couple of handfuls of sugar snap peas. The predominant taste was celery, so perhaps more carrots and peas should be added next time. Not the tastiest drink I ever had, but at least it was drinkable, quite unlike the first green drink I made. Maybe that’s because this wasn’t exactly green. More like brown with a hint of green. 

My next drink was just strawberries. I added a packet of fake sugar afterward to sweeten it up a bit. 

My last drink was just sugar snap peas. Not that great. 

Forget trying to juice avocados or kiwis. They just won’t work. When it was done there was nothing in either hopper. It all ended up mashed against the top cover. 

Random thoughts pinged around in my mind as I lay there resting after my workout. They settled on the fact that Tom will be 60 years old in a little over a year from now. That means he more than likely will have 20-25 years left to live. Remember when it was 40 or more? I asked myself. Indeed I do, and a pang of sadness stabbed at my heart when I thought of when he turned 35 shortly after we met and the end was still much further than it was closer. 

But he’s still in his 50s, I try to remind myself. Not his 60s. Not his 70s. Not his 80s. We could both die in our 50s tomorrow by getting struck by a meteorite for all we know. 

Ugh, death and dying. Wish it wasn’t on my mind so much. Along with what shit may go wrong. Those worries used to be about money and things breaking. Present-day worries, however, tend to be about what could go wrong with our health. How things really do change as we age! We have a different perspective on life. We worry more about the future instead of living in the moment because the future isn’t exactly as futuristic anymore. At least not in the way it was 20 years ago. 

It’s still better to try to live in the moment. Therefore, I am thinking about what I may try next with the juicer. Carrot juice? OJ? 

We ordered the 3-D tiles for the second bathroom yesterday morning, but since they’re coming from China it could take 2 to 6 weeks to arrive. You would think it would be faster in modern times, but nope. 

Later… 

I love it when the “dream people” give me various story ideas. Thank you, “Shane.” The dream I had was long and detailed but if I base a story on it, I will obviously add more to it. 

Last night I dreamed I was in a large room with a desk in the middle of it. It had a few computers set up on it. The computers looked almost old-fashioned. Either that or they may have had large-screen monitors making them seem bulky. I was fixing myself some coffee, which was set up on a long table against the wall behind the desk chairs and could hear a guy working out in a smaller room, which was off of that room. I knew the guy was partaking in some type of experiment and would be in there for most of the day. 

Eventually, I sat between him and some other guy at the computers. I turned to the right and studied the guy who had been working out and noted what great shape he appeared to be in. He was young, perhaps in his late 20s. He had straight sandy brown hair and hazel eyes that were intense in a way I found both creepy and attractive. The guy was quiet. Not shy, just quiet. 

Smiling, I sort of hugged him and said, “As fit as you are, anyone who messed with me while you were around would be in big trouble, wouldn’t they?” 

He smiled slightly and softly said, “Mmm-hmm,” while still gazing at the monitor before us. 

Then the guy to my left who was also in his late 20s said, “Shane here didn’t realize how old you were. He’s shocked. We both are. Thought you were in your 30s or something.” 

“Nope,” I said laughing. “Definitely left that age bracket a long time ago.” 

Then the dream seemed to accelerate and jump into the future at regular intervals. I became aware of the fact that “Shane” liked me. I was flattered, but worried. He knew I was married and seemed to respect that, but I wondered just how far he might go if he caught me alone someplace. 

Then I was hugging him and telling him to keep in touch online. 

Then I was turning the corner in some building when I heard his buddy telling him, “She’s older, wiser, mature and probably more experienced than you in a lot of ways, buddy, though I’ve also heard her described as energetic, playful and young at heart. This can fool people into thinking she’s less intelligent than she actually is, so beware of that.” 

As soon as the guy went on to talk about “young” things and bright colors, I knew he had to be talking about me. 

In another scene, I wanted to settle my curiosity in a way that didn’t come off as nosy and asked the guy about Shane, who I assumed was a lab technician for some reason. So I questioned his friend who frowned with confusion and said, “SSA (inaudible) doesn’t work for no lab.” 

I knew what SSA stood for from watching Criminal Minds, and said how shocked I was that he was with the FBI. The guy then said, “Why? You’re the one he’s investigating.” 

My jaw dropped and I stood there all the more confused and shocked. I was both intrigued and creeped out. I wanted to learn more about SSA Shane Whatever, but I never wanted to see him again either. Especially alone.

Reading Appointment with Murder now by Jennifer Jennings. It’s part of the Sarah Woods box set mysteries I’m reading. I’ve always enjoyed Sarah Woods murder mysteries. This is my 13th audiobook this year. I’d be on 15 or 16 by now if it weren’t for our vacation. 

We decided to start with the small bathroom floor to make sure we’re not going to get crap we don’t like or want before ordering designs for the rest of the floors. We settled on pale pink roses growing between large gray oval rocks. 

What we’re not sure of is whether or not they scale the images down for smaller floors, or if they just trim more of the edges of a standard-size picture? 

If this is as cool as I hope it is, I just might be sorry we re-carpeted the place. How cool it would be to do a whole room in a different theme! In one room we could have grass on the floor, trees on the wall, and a bright sunny sky on the ceiling, making it appear as if you were in a forest. In another, we could be under water. We could have a sandbar on the floor, fish on the walls, and when you looked up it would look like you were just under the surface of the water, a bright blur where the sun would be shining. 

Tom said that a woodpecker was beating on the storeroom a couple of days ago and was tremendously loud. So are all the goddamn projects I have to listen to almost every day around here. I thought I’d hear projects about a third of the time. Not two-thirds of the time! 

In fact, I can’t even get any peace at midnight. I don’t know what the hell this was all about, but I just heard this insanely loud vehicle and wasn’t sure if it was a car or motorcycle or what the hell it was. It was revving its engine very loudly. I looked out back and saw a guy quickly walking up the hill motioning for someone to follow him. Then I saw that the engine-gunning vehicle was a car. It followed the guy up the hill and around the corner. Again, I have no idea what that was all about but they must live here since the gates are locked at 7 PM. 

Had a strange ache in my left hand most of yesterday, but so far today I haven’t felt anything odd. 

Went to Walmart yesterday and loaded up on fruits and veggies for the new juicer I’m not so sure I should have gotten. It’s a BITCH to clean, just like people warned me it would be. I also grabbed some bottles with caps and straws to store extras in. 

Was all excited to try the chocolate peanut butter flavored coffee K-cups, but they don’t taste very chocolaty or peanut buttery to me. 

If I don’t start winning again real soon, I’m not renewing my sweep subscription in May. I have mixed emotions about continuing on. I have watched Robo Form Filler get worse and worse and nothing is ever done to fix it. It’s working less and less that I can’t believe it’s just me experiencing this and that the makers of Robo aren’t aware of it. I don’t understand why they won’t do anything about it either. Robo used to work great, but now I have to hotkey in at least half the info needed when filling out forms. Even with macros set up this takes way longer than Robo, which should be able to do it all in just one click. It isn’t just forms it’s having trouble filling out, but the ‘fill and submit’ almost never works either, and saving passcards is useless because I can’t fill and submit the damn info I’ve saved. I just don’t get it. Am I missing something here? 

Sarah did answer a question of mine so I guess she’s not totally ignoring me after all. I asked how often she and Becky would go to the gym they started going to, and she said 6 days a week. 

Last night I dreamed I was either watching the news or being told about a little boy they were searching for in the mountains of Iowa. 

Then I was pointing at a picture of a large woman online and insisting to Tom that she was proof that the so-called diet product they were selling couldn’t possibly work since she was heavy. 

Then Tom was working on some kind of repair or upgrade of someplace we just moved into, though I don’t know where it was. The place appeared to be kind of old. Just inside the bedroom doorway, I could see into the living room and out its window which a tall building lay beyond. Then I realized Tom was now outside in the car waiting for me to go somewhere, so I got up, stepped outside and locked the door behind me.

“Kids talk to imaginary friends they give various names to. Adults talk to an imaginary friend they call God. Only the kids are smart enough to know their friend is just a creation of their own imagination.” 

Love this one! Even so, someone on my-diary told me they would say a prayer on my behalf because “anyone who’s stupid enough to believe that an explosion could create life needs all the help they can get!” 

Funny, though, how I only need “help” when I disagree with one’s POV or belief. Really, how come I don’t need help when it comes to the things I happen to agree with people on? It’s only when my beliefs differ from others that I “need help.” Funny, ain’t it? 

How come their God or whatever they choose to call it is great when something good happens to them? But when something bad happens it’s “God’s will” or simply “meant to be that way?” Never could it be that their God is, well, perhaps not so perfect and loving after all if it even really does exist. I must need help for wondering these things, don’t I? I must! 

My favorite color is pink. Is yours blue? Well, if it is then do I need help? Do I need help because I’m not sure if God exists, good or evil? Do I need help because I don’t like the spicy foods and citrus fruits most people like? Do I need help because I’m antisocial and love to spend time with my hubby or by myself? Do I need help because I don’t have any sympathy for most of today’s blacks? Do I need help because I won’t embrace the refugees with open arms? Come on, what else do I need help with? Tell me. There must be tons of things for we can’t all think alike after all, can we? Therefore, I must need help. 

But what if I think along the lines of Person A, but not Person B? If Person A thinks I’m A-Okay for thinking/feeling/believing as they do, do I still need help in Person B’s eyes? Hmm… something to ponder, right? 

If I got a bleeding heart for blacks and Muslims, got in a car and drove to a job outside of home every day, and believed in a God I expressed much faith in, then damn would I be one seriously loved and ok chica, wouldn’t I? 

But then that awful side of me emerges. That true side that just loves to be real and speak her mind. It squeezes to the surface only to piss off, offend, anger, hurt, scar, disrupt and ruin so many lives in such a horrible, atrocious way. OMG, I must, must, must need help! 

Help meeeeeee!!!!! 

Then again, life has always treated me unfairly, hasn’t it? I’m the girl that would be charged as an accomplice if she were kidnapped and made to do unthinkable things while others would be considered hostages and victims. I’m the kind that would watch others go up and get the people they wanted while I got everyone I didn’t want before meeting Tom. And if I came close as I did with Kasey, I’d lose it pretty damn fast, wouldn’t I? 

I wonder, though… what if I’d been straight only? Would I still have had a hard time getting the guys I wanted before meeting Tom? My guess is yes. I couldn’t get Mike M, after all, yet another student got him. I was always very particular, especially when I was younger. Very few people turned me on – like really turned me on – so they were bound to be unobtainable for a variety of reasons. 

Found the perfect recipient for my dream journal. They’re on one of the curves along OL and have a box for newspapers and magazines. It’s right on the road and there are no neighbors across the street. 

Dreamed that Tom and I were getting into the pool. In the dream, a cluster of mailboxes was nearby. We passed Joe as he was loading them up with the day’s mail and exchanged greetings. 

I then got into the pool, which had two sets of steps, one at each front corner. I sort of hopped from one set of steps to the other. I felt self-conscious. Joe was watching me. I wanted to dive under the water and swim to the other end, but the water was a gross cloudy jade green so I didn’t.

I am sooo excited! I can’t wait to redo our floors after the totally AWESOME 3D floor designs I discovered. I pinned my favorites to a board I created just for various ideas. 

I know exactly what I want in 2 out of the 4 rooms they’re going in. The one with big bold daisies in yellow, pink and blue will go in the laundry room, and the tropical fish swimming in shallow water will go in the master bath. Excess tiles can maybe be used for backing shelves. 

It’s the kitchen and second bath I’m unsure of. I was leaning toward a goldfish pond flanked by grass and flowers in the kitchen, but now I’m thinking a dolphin in the ocean. The second bath is tiny, and I’m tossing up ideas from broken glass to lily ponds with frogs on top of lily pads and fish floating beneath. Or I could do beaches with frothy ocean waves or flowers protruding from between large rocks. The possibilities are endless! 

In other news, want to know how to waste $60? Just buy a juicer. Stuff it with kale, spinach, apples, and half a lemon. Take a sip of the green slime and spit it out so fucking fast your loving husband will be laughing so hard he can barely catch his breath as you run for the mouthwash, realizing the place now smells like his weed whacker after it's been used. OMFG, was that awful! Definitely gotta change up my recipes, even if it means adding more calories/sugar by doing more fruits than veggies. 

The only dream I remember was weird. I was checking out these 5 shirts and I knew that I had to wear the same one for one whole month at a time. Two were alike, so I made a mental note not to wear them back to back so I wouldn’t be wearing the same color and design for two months in a row.

I stumbled upon an ad for PetSmart last night. We usually go to Petco. In fact, I don't think we've ever been to a PetSmart since we've lived here. Anyway, I was checking out the variety of animals they have to sell. I didn't know they had pet scorpions. This wouldn't scare me, but I wouldn't want one for a pet either. 

I was surprised to find that female Dumbo rats live 3-5 years instead of the usual 2 years Fancy rats live. I don't like the way they look compared to regular rats. I just don't think they’re as cute with their ears set lower on their heads, but they still may be worth checking out. 

What got me a little more excited was that they make diapers for dogs, so my research shows. I don't know why I didn't think to look up doggie diapers before, but maybe this way we could have a hypoallergenic dog like a poodle. There are a few small dog breeds that are allergy-friendly. I would prefer a toy poodle as opposed to a miniature. I'll run it by Tom and see what he thinks. If we wait until he retires before we get a dog, if we ever did get one, we could be dead before the end of the dog’s life, especially if he works until he's 70. 

I didn't read the article, but saw a headline about a protest over an officer shooting an armed black person. So now the blacks want to be able to get away with wielding guns at cops? It's like the fuckers expect to be above the law or something! I'm so sick of their shit. I don't understand how Norma can be so sympathetic towards them, but it seems that most people have a bleeding heart where they're concerned whether I get it or not. 

I still love Norma and I normally admire someone as open-minded as she is. But that open-mindedness seems to be extending to a lot of the wrong types of people. Blacks. Muslims. Just when will your average person treat child molesters with the same respect? It shocks me to say so, but I see a lot of my mother shining through Norma. Not the cruelty, of course, but she seems to be very opinionated and headstrong in ways my mother was and the more you disagree with her, the less fond of you she becomes. She wanted to engage in an argument over blacks with me, but I refused to get into it with her. Obviously, she has never been victimized by blacks or seen firsthand the trouble they can cause. 

I think it's safe to say that I was right in suspecting that the post Sarah shared about some people not fitting into your life no matter how much you want them to was in fact aimed at me. Also, she’s been ignoring my comments. Why doesn’t she just come out and tell me if she has a problem with me, or just delete me? 

Either way, I suspect she’s decided she doesn’t like me very much because of my poor taste in jokes about cancer. Either that or my post about not forgiving those who have blocked or dumped me. She’s got to know Lisa blocked me. Or maybe the crack about selfies (she posts quite a few of them). 

I notice things, but I don’t worry about them much these days. Meaning that I don’t do the family drama thing anymore and I’m not going to insist she associate with me if she doesn’t want to. The door to my life is always open to walk out of if that’s what someone wants. I’m not going to question her about it either. I’m just going to act like I don’t notice her silence. 

*sighs* A part of me hates to say it but I almost wish they’d all give me a reason to break ties with them. It’d be easier that way, but I still don’t know if that’s what I want or if it would be very smart. Tammy probably couldn’t afford to help us as much as we’d need if he were laid off and we lost the place, but I’d like to know we had someone in our life in whom there was a chance to be helped as much as possible before we decided if we should end it all or not. 

Trauma. How it changes you. How it both helps and hurts various aspects of your life. After going through what I went through with the levothyroxine, I’ve found that the thought of homelessness isn’t nearly as scary as it once was, but I also find that some things are now scarier. I was always apprehensive about taking new medications, but now I’m REALLY apprehensive. 

I'm disappointed that I haven't gotten any win notices since having the dream about winning unless you want to call a discount a win. I'm really surprised. I always win something after I have these kinds of dreams. I'm still hopeful that I will get a notification soon enough, but if I don't I may once again take a break from sweeping. It's only worth the work if you're actually winning. 

I did seem to come into a lot of money somehow in one of my dreams last night, though I don't know if I actually won it or not. It seems I was discussing money with some woman and where to live. I said something about not being impressed with the Midwest due to the climate there. We might have been talking about selling stuff too, in preparation to move. I also rescued a starving dog, but I’m not sure if I did it with this same woman or with Tom. 

In another dream, I was trying to convince Tom to make a clock invention. I said, “They have clocks that chirp and chime at the hour. Well, how about one that announces how many steps you've taken in the last hour?” 

And then I was signing to someone in the last dream, only one of my signs was incorrect.

Went out walking at dusk and even picked out the lucky recipient of my dream journal once it’s complete. I decided it might be more likely to be read by someone who found it on their doorstep than by some random person in the clubhouse. I want a house with a door close to the road so I can leave it and walk off with less chance of being seen. I’d do it in the middle of the night, of course. There are a couple of potential readers of my dreams actually. It just would be nice if I could remember more of them so I could finish the damn book. 

I mixed running and walking as I usually do. The temperature was perfect and there was just enough light to see. I like to start off chilly because I know I’m going to feel like the temperature rose 10° by the time I get done. The turkeys had settled in the giant Cali oaks for the night. I could see them above me as I walked by the area alongside the ditch. Amazing how such huge birds can sleep up there without falling out, even though they could just flap their wings and keep from being injured. I wonder if the fugly things ever get cold up there at night or if the summer heat ever gets to them. Or are they completely oblivious to temperature? 

There were still quite a few cars going by, but no people. Never heard any barking inside or outside the park nor did I hear any loud music. It was quite peaceful actually. 

Tom was at the door when I got back and said he was just about to go looking for me as it seemed like I’d been gone a long time, like 40 minutes. Really? I didn’t wear my Fitbit, but it felt like it was the typical half-hour. I talk less and move faster when I work out alone. 

Wore my Fitbit to bed and my HR dropped to 64 and spiked to 95 upon waking up. Because I’m not wearing it all the time these days I laughed when it tried to tell me my average RHR was 77. LOL, try 85-90. My fast ticker in conjunction with perimenopause is why I can’t handle higher doses of levothyroxine, thus keeping my numbers almost perfect instead of perfect. Trust me, I’d have my numbers totally off the charts before I went through the hell I went through ever again! I’ve been feeling FABULOUS and I would like to keep it that way. So no going over 75 mcgs of levothyroxine and no returning to statins. 

Tammy's probably going to laugh at this one just like I laughed at Tom’s attempt to speak some of the Dutch words I’ve learned. When discussing my juicing plans with Tom I said, “That way I can get rid of all my cholesterol and there should be no more left in me.” 

But then he reminded me that some cholesterol is both good and necessary and that our bodies produce it much like sugar and sodium. Yeah, but hopefully my body isn’t producing so damn much of it with my thyroid treated and me avoiding cholesterol as much as I can. 

He stopped at Walmart after work for his BP meds and my thyroid meds and grabbed a cooked pizza for the first time. It wasn’t that bad at all. Glad I love to run. This way, while I’ll never lose more weight, I’ll at least not gain either. 

Really wish Amazon could stick to their delivery dates. We ordered a middle-of-the-road juicer (I’ll get a better one later on if I really like this one), and it was supposed to arrive today. Instead, it’s not going to be here till Friday. I got the produce ready to make Green Lemonade. Got this recipe from a juicing site. 

Later… 

Finished all the episodes of Criminal Minds on Netflix that I wanted to watch, and now I’m trying out CSI Miami. Haven’t watched enough yet to really get a sense of whether or not I can get into it. 

So Leslie Van Houten is up for parole for something like the 21st time. I was only 4 when the Tate/Labianca murders went down. What I don’t get is how she’s eligible for parole with two kills while Jodi Arias gets life without parole for just one kill. I guess that’s just our typical twisted laws for you. I wouldn’t worry for myself much if I beat someone up, but if I hurt someone’s feelings or offended them… the law could come after me like I’d just kicked the crap out of a dozen old ladies or something. 

My opinion on whether or not she should be set free is mixed. Would she really have gone down the path she went down if she never met Charles Manson? Should she still be punished for something she did when she was just 19 years old? Where could she possibly go if she were set free? I doubt she has much in the way of family or anyone who would give a shit about her, family or not, and where could she go that would actually be safe for her? I don't believe she would harm anybody, but I think others would try to harm her. As it is I don’t understand why no one’s killed Casey Anthony yet. 

On the flip side, what she did was totally heinous, and if most of us won't even forgive someone for offending us, then why should we forgive a murderess and give her her freedom? 

Speaking of forgiveness and all that… I’ve also been asked if I would forgive and or speak to Nane if she contacted me. I don’t know that either. Meaning the answer’s the same as I gave when asked about Aly. It would probably depend on what mood I was in at the time. Bad mood = a tendency to focus on a person’s negative traits. Good mood = a tendency to look at their good side and why I once cared about them in the first place. 

My general rule, however, is “Never forgive, never forget.” And when I speak of “forgiving,” I mean allowing someone back into my life who has been absent from it. Generally speaking, I don’t allow re-entry because past experience has taught me that this is just giving them an opportunity to screw me again, one which they won’t usually pass up. 

But again, I can’t predict for sure how I’d react to hearing from them in the future, not that they’re going to contact me. Therefore, we won’t be finding out how I’d react. They may at least be reading my journal, though. Aly, I don’t know because she usually prefers my-diary because I can’t track visitors there. If she’s reading me elsewhere then she’s flying under radar. Germany is runner-up to my US visitors on Blogger and I wonder if that could be connected to Nane, Christiane or both, but it doesn’t matter either way. They can read or not read same as anyone else I make my stuff public to.

Some people have asked if I’d respond to Alison should she ever contact me in the future. Truthfully, I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t because that would be the smarter and safer thing to do, but I think it would depend on what mood I was in at the time. If I was in a good mood I would be more likely to focus on her good points. In a bad mood, I would remember her negative traits. 

All I do know is that people will always have a problem with you if you have any complaints or anything negative to say about them, no matter how justified your words maybe. Yes, I would score more points with people and have a lot more friends if I kept my mouth shut whenever anybody said or did anything I found offensive or even just slightly bothersome in any way, but I can’t live that way. I would not only be being untrue to myself but not very honest with the person as well if I didn’t speak up. This doesn’t mean I would say something about every single little thing, but when up bunch of little things add up or something big has occurred that really gets to me; I just have to say something. I’m just not one of those who can sit back and take shit as much as I sometimes wish I could be. 

I know I’m not perfect myself. I can be impatient, selfish, and sometimes not very tolerant. I need to work on that and I know this. But at the same time, I’m just me being me, like it or not. Sure, some might see my not being open to future friendships as a bad thing, but if it’s bad to look out for myself and avoid any potential headaches and hassles, then I could really get used to being bad. ;)

My reward for regular workouts: 3 chicken legs, a heaping pile of mashed potatoes, 2 servings of Jelly Belly’s = 0 pounds gained. 

Binges are normally reserved for weekends, but we stopped at Raley’s on the way home from my ENT appointment for some hot food and treats. 

Doc visit was quick and painless. Won’t see her again till October. 

On our way there, a young heavyset woman was walking down the street in our direction and appeared to be chatting animatedly with absolutely no one at all. But as she grew closer I could see the little earbud cord with the microphone. Even Tom thought she was crazy at first, LOL. 

I’m thinking of getting a juicer and eventually replacing all but one meal with a juice “shake” consisting of various fruits and veggies. I found a site with several recipes to try. I doubt I’ll lose weight cuz of my age and thyroid, but it’ll make me even healthier and save money by buying more fresh produce than expensive TV dinners. A lot of the recipes cleanse and detox you and can be good for those with high cholesterol, blood pressure, and other issues. 

Still not remembering much in the way of dreams. Just a quick flash of Dr. A in a little canoe or rowboat. Not sure if I was watching her in person or through a video, but she and someone else were paddling their way through a lily pond.

A Blogger friend reminded me that true friends stick with us no matter what. Always. 

She's right. She's totally a hundred percent right. Thanks for reminding me who my true friends are, Lady Lagoon! 

Despite her logic, I think we always have mixed emotions when a close friendship – or at least one we thought was close – ends, whether they cut ties with us or we decided it was best to cut ties with them. 

Having trouble deciding what sites I want to continue sharing copies of my journals on. I can pretty much rule out LiveJournal and my-diary, but will definitely keep writing on Prosebox. Blogger and Facebook are up in the air at this time. I deleted most of the year’s entries on Blogger, but a part of me regrets it. Maybe I’ll copy them back over later on. 

Did a lot of work and cleaning today, then we went for a bike ride when he got home. 

I’m also having trouble remembering my dreams lately, which sucks, but life is otherwise good. Gotta see my ENT tomorrow. 

My tooth started feeling better just hours after the dentist put my permanent crown on, so no root canals or pulling that tooth altogether! 

Got some goodies in the mail today. My most flexible (Asian) Barbie ever. She’s way cool. Got a few animal figures, and then the other diffuser. Also in the mail today was my “window” overlooking the lush green park with the cherry trees blooming. That’s now above the little table in the bedroom. 

I don’t know why, but sometimes I will look someone up on Facebook and not be able to find them. Then after some time, I try again and there they are. Well, I found my dental hygienist, Holly. Through her, I found Shannan, the dental assistant. I sent messages that I doubt they’ll get. A part of me regretted doing that afterward as once again that’s just me going to them. Why can’t somebody seek me out for once? 

As much as I sometimes would like to be surrounded by people - good people and not just any people – I won’t let myself make any more friends and I still value my solitude when I’m not feeling like shit. I’m just too old for any more drama. I love old people, but I could never be friends with the people I was doing aerobics with in the way that I could be friends with somebody like Shannan or even Kathleen. Comparing Shannon and Kathleen with the people I’ve met here is like comparing my mother to Tom. There really is no comparison. Sure they may have some similar traits, but it’s just not the same. What I’m saying is that I would rather be friends with people like Shannon and Kathleen, but at the same time, I don’t want to be friends with anybody. 

While I’m not physically attracted to any of these women, Shannan has a very appealing personality. She seems very sensitive, nurturing, intelligent and open-minded. I’m sure she’s a great mom, too. I can picture her to be a very fun and doting mom. Her two daughters are adorable (part black?), though I could’ve sworn she said she had a son. 

She’s single and yet another pretty face on a large body. She’s very pleasant-looking despite her weight, though. 

Anyway, she’s single and lives in Citrus Heights. Holly’s married and lives in Loomis. Kathleen’s married because I remember seeing a ring on her finger. Holly and Kathleen are older and very skinny. Shannan’s 34.

Sometimes I miss checking in with Aly. I still can’t believe she dumped me. I was hurt and angry, but mostly stunned. Yet resuming our friendship would be hard for me, I would think, because I’d always be wondering if something I said was going to get me dumped again. I’m not her type. I get that. Still shocks me just the same that she of all people dumped me. I really really thought she cared about me, even if I may be nothing like the kinds of friends she prefers to have. 

Although I firmly believe that she’ll beat her leukemia based on the treatments available today and the fact that she’s survived other things, it would be sad to know she died hating me if she didn’t make it. I never meant to intentionally offend or hurt her with my honesty. Really I didn’t! 

Either way, I don’t doubt that she’ll make it. Not just for the reasons I stated, but also due to not having any dreams suggesting she’s in serious danger, and the fact that it’s human nature for the less seriously ill to discuss their health issues more freely. It’s those who are serious who are reluctant to talk about things, as if not putting it into words can keep it from becoming real. 

How has her dumping me affected me? Well, I guess you could say it has made me want to withdraw even more from people in general, though I’m not much of a social butterfly anyway. I’m friendly and I’m not shy when out in public or something like that, but I don’t go out of my way to socialize and rack up friends. It really is safer and there really are fewer headaches if you don’t have many friends. Just looking out for myself, selfish or not. :) 

I knew I shouldn’t have bothered to check in on Facebook today other than to enter the sweeps that are run through there. I got a friend request from what appeared to be a legit account. Figured she was from one of the sites I write at, but sure enough, she messages me to offer me a body wrap, even though she’s on the other side of the country. 

The spammers aren’t the only ones that have me sick of Facebook. I only hear from the same few people, the trending news they force on us is depressing, and most people post the same old shit every day. I won’t even bother to get into the glitches and lack of privacy. I would prefer people not to be able to see when I was last on, but of course they can. 

We went for another walk today. It was slightly warm and muggy, and oh the car stereos and mutts! But it was still nice to get out in the fresh air and get our exercise.

I shall begin avoiding Facebook more often because I’m just sick of hearing from the same damn people while others basically ignore me. 

Someone tried to hack my Twitter account. I got a notification saying someone attempted to log in from a different device. Someone connected to Ruth and Polly? Aly? Arizona? A stranger? 

My guess is a stranger. My extended “family” shouldn’t know about that email addy, and I would think Aly wouldn’t attempt it but would just do it if she were looking to hack me. She has – or at least has had – access to PW-breaking software. I also can’t believe Aly would be that curious about what I’m tweeting (my account is protected). She made it clear to me last month that she no longer gives a damn about me. 

I would bet that the email was pulled off of a spam list. That particular email addy is very old and I’ve used it for many things. 

There’s a possibility it’s connected to the shitsters in Arizona, but unlikely. Booted off the force or not, a former pig could break into my accounts if it wanted to bad enough. Also, his little friends that he protected…those are criminals. I’m sure they too, could find a way into my shit. 

Later… 

Just made an order on Amazon. I’m getting a pillow with shredded memory foam that will hopefully be more comfortable for sleeping on my stomach. With my other one, I feel like my neck is cranked back too much. 

I’m adding 6 animals to my collection of miniatures… a macaw, a swan with babies on her back, a horse and rider, a greyhound, a collie, and a donkey. I’m getting a case for them and whatever others I can fit into it. If I like it, I’ll get additional cases to accommodate my 100+ piece collection so I don’t have to dust them all. 

I’m also getting another oil diffuser like the color-changing LED one I got not too long ago. This way I can have one in the living room and one in the bedroom. 

I’m getting my first Barbie in quite a while. This one is said to be the most flexible ever and I’m curious to see just how poseable it really is. 

Lastly, I’m getting 50 scented feminine bags. I really liked the bags on the ship and how I could get them out of view and reduce any odors by wrapping them up in bags. These are plastic bags with handle ties, though, not paper bags like the ship had. I just used the last of the ones I got on the ship, and assuming I still have a few more years of periods to go, 50 bags should last about 2 years. 

I’m fine with my ear doctor next Tuesday, but I’m getting a bit nervous as I get closer to the labs and my endo. I just have to remind myself that I’m not a child and I’m not in jail. No one can make me do anything I don’t want to do. 

Read this really cool article about a guy who had a seizure and went to the ER. It was the first time a medical team used a Fitbit tracker to determine if his heart was irregular during just the seizure, or if it was a chronic problem. Turns out it was just during the seizure. It’s cool to be able to look back and see this sort of thing, just like I can look back at my life through the years in my journals. 

Fitbit allowed me to “see” a bedtime beatathon once. I can just imagine the readings had I been able to see the fierce ones I was having if we’d gotten our Fits sooner. The call-Tom-at-work-and-take-a-lorazepam kind of racing heart. 

Felt a bit anxious earlier, so I ate a TV dinner with chicken in it. I fear a setback all the time. My worst fear would be to go through what I went through all over again with NO changes made to my meds and then to have to scramble all over again for god knows how many months - or years - to figure out why. Could this possibly happen? I fear it cuz life has proven that the past can return to haunt us. 

It’s been a very peaceful Saturday. We even went walking/running in the rain. It rained lightly the whole time and was a pleasant rain since it was in the low 60s. I won’t go out running in the rain in the dead of winter. Too cold then. But this was a refreshing rain. I’m glad it didn’t come down really hard, though, so our clothes didn’t end up totally soaked. 

Not many turkeys were out. I guess they don’t like the rain as much. 

After researching the doll I got from Goodwill, I found it’s an Ashton-Drake doll by Gail Ferretti. I’m not surprised given the appearance of its face and body size. This type of doll usually goes for $60 - $100 and I got it for less than $5. Not bad. 

It’s amazing what a 3D printer can do. Tom printed little bracket holders for a strip light, which he placed under his desk. This way it can shine down on the solar keyboard on the keyboard tray below it to keep it charged. 

Last night I dreamed of driving a strange car that was operated by push buttons. Then I was chatting with a woman in a hotel lobby. After a while, we were laughing about something we had been discussing, and then I excused myself to go meet Tom up in our room. She seemed very unhappy about the idea of me leaving. Like I was rudely rejecting her or something. Pretending not to notice, I left anyway.

Starting off on a furious note. Facebook really needs to stop shoving the news in our faces. Reading that a teacher was put on PAID LEAVE after a video that clearly shows her beating a student over the head – though I don’t know what the student might’ve said or did – is infuriating. She gets a paid vacation (no jail) yet no one paid me to speak my mind to the freeloaders. Oh no, I was the one to pay instead. 

Facebook recommends people we may know, and there’s a seemingly empty account in Tom’s name. There is a profile pic of a young guy. I sent a message saying, “Bet I can guess who’s behind this account.” Sure enough, no reply. 

Kim? Aly? 

Had a little fun with Polly and Ruth. I wasn’t going to write about it, but hey, I didn’t break any laws. Just pissed them off, no doubt. I know that’s the way it should’ve been with the freeloaders, but I’m also a lot smarter than I was in 1999. I won’t let anyone fuck with me. I did what I did, was quick about it, and now I’m gone. In like a fierce wind and out like a calm breeze. 

I didn’t do anything all that extravagant. I just messaged them and a few others related to them, possibly Polly’s sons and I guess her daughter. Then I added one son and later saw the ‘add friend’ button disappear, knowing he’d prevented me from sending additional requests. I also shared a pic of Polly’s and she responded by going private. 

Ruth and Polly both seem to work for the PTA in CT where Polly lives, and I not only sent an email to each one there, but I replied to a comment of Polly’s in a group she had some guy create for her pertaining to the school. I was blocked from that group. Lastly, I tweeted to her daughter who has a protected Twitter account. 

Pretty sure the daughter got the tweet because her “likes” are going up. But why didn’t she block me there, and why didn’t Polly and her sons block me on Facebook? Hoping to gather more “evidence?” Well, that they’re not going to get. :) 

As usual, I got absolutely nothing from Tammy about my dentist appointment today despite my taking the time to ask about her appointments, even if she’s going through more serious stuff than I am. 

Today’s appointment was rough, but a lot shorter than the last one. The permanent crown is now in place. I forgot that Shannon doesn’t work Fridays. Jackie does. So she’s the one that assisted the dentist. 

We chatted with Kathleen in the waiting room. She’s so nice, too. They loved my sparkly dress and shoes. Yeah, I’m the color and shine fanatic alright. 

She gave us a $10 Subway card since they were a little late. 

So Jackie took me in back and said to let her know if I felt any discomfort as she gently began tugging on my temporary crown. Oh, I let her know alright. The doctor numbed me up, which hurt like hell at first as the needle went in because I was already irritated. I told them I’d been having pain ever since the temp cap went on and they said this was normal and that the permanent one would seal better. I figured and hoped as much, though there is still a chance I may need a root canal at which time I would probably ask the doctor to just pull it since it’s way in back. She said she’s not ready to give up hope yet, so we should give it a week. Jackie said one can feel discomfort 4 weeks after any dental procedure. I’m as hopeful as the doctor, though. As it is, I’m not in as much pain right now as I expected to be. 

It didn’t tickle as the doc installed the permanent crown, but it only took a few seconds and then that was it. All Jackie had to do was clean up excess cement and check my bite and I was good to go. 

It was cold in there, as the doctor agreed, and she was kind enough to cover me with a blanket. I told her I’d only won once since I last saw her (the expensive facial serum I’m not very impressed with) and she told me that was way more than she’d ever win, haha. She then told me it was ok to floss around that tooth and that I could eat right away, and wished me a good weekend. 

I’m not big on Subway, though I’d probably like a couple of their grinders that include beef. But I was sore and I have labs coming up in a few weeks so I’m trying to avoid cholesterol. I just got a double chocolate chip cookie and some chips with a fruity drink. Not very healthy, but I wasn’t in the mood to care. 

I shopped more than I ate. We went treasure hunting at Goodwill. It’s funny… we can easily afford expensive stores that sell brand new stuff, which we do go to, but there’s just something about being surprised with old treasures at Goodwill that we love. You go into Target or something, you pretty much know what you’re in for. You go to GW, and you just never know. 

I got a Dalmatian figurine very similar to the one I got from them not too long ago. It’s similar in size only it’s lighter in weight and its spots are lighter in color. 

Then I got a miniature doll in hot pink (my fave) and a couple of porcelain dolls, only one isn’t for adding to my collection. I wanted to scalp her. Sounds scary, I know, LOL. I have a GW doll with a nice face but crappy hair. So I yanked the nice blond braids off of this pitifully phony, ugly and clownish 1989 Heritage Mint Collection doll and gave it to her. I love restoring and “modernizing” old dolls. I kept her dress, even though it’s a bit old-fashioned for my tastes. 

The other doll is in a sitting position and has a fantastic face. Very nice smile and realistic eyes. She wears a cute pale pink dress. Good wig, too. 

Tom loves to browse the electronics section but he didn’t find anything he wanted. 

We bombed the place before leaving and aired it out for a while when we got back. I waited in the driveway with the rats because the smell Tom claimed was “not bad” was rather overpowering at first. 

It was a beautiful day out. The front of our place looks gorgeous right now with the multicolored azaleas in bloom. It’s supposed to cool down and rain again, though. 

Naturally, the peace was tarnished a bit by the corner guy’s hammering and workers doing something at Dusty’s place. I think they were going under the house to look for water leaks. 

Waved at one of the new ladies who recently moved in, but we haven’t officially met or talked yet. 

Then, between my appointment, the ibuprofen I’d taken, and getting up early so many days in a row, I took a 2.5-hour much-needed nap. It felt so good, too. :) 

We decided I wouldn’t bother trying to hold my schedule anymore. I’m going to just “roll with the punches” as usual. Besides, I need to be up during the nighttime at times so I can really enjoy the peace. 

Last night I dreamed I was showing Tammy my fake ear canal and the thing kept opening and closing while I was at it. 

Then, when I got thrown in jail, this time there was a beautiful warden who seemed to really like me. She took me out to some dinner function or something like that one night, and I said I hoped she’d look me up on Facebook in a few months when I got released.

As I mentioned recently, I had a dream that Tom got a raise. Well, they did in fact announce that he is going to get a raise but we don’t know yet how much it’s going to be. 

They worked on the house across the street for a little bit yesterday, but now I don’t think they’re working on the trellis that extends over their porch. It looks like he painted these wooden planks white and framed the windows with them. The old shutters are still sitting down beside the house, though, so I don’t know what they’re going to do next. I’m sure that if they don’t do something, someone else around here will and I’ll have to hear all about it. 

It has otherwise been peaceful and the weather has been summery. I love it. The only thing I don’t like about the warmer weather is that I can hear the car stereos blaring down the freeway, especially between 6 PM and midnight. I still don’t understand why these things are allowed to be legal year after year. It’s sad that so many people feel the need for such attention. I just can’t imagine feeling so neglected by society that I would be willing to spend hundreds of dollars just so people I don’t even know can notice or hear me. Perhaps counseling is the key instead of disturbing the peace just because the law allows you to do so. Really, just because we can doesn’t mean we should. And just because something is allowed doesn’t mean it’s correct or okay. 

Tomorrow I go to the dentist to have the permanent crown put on my back molar. Since the warmer weather has woken up the spiders along with the attention seekers, we’re going to bomb the place while we’re out. After the dentist, we’ll probably go out to eat and do a little shopping.

Another bullshit cry of racism in the news, this time over a Gap ad where a black child was supposedly used as a “prop” by a white kid. Yet a very similar ad occurred last year with a black kid leaning on a white kid. Where was all the fuss then? Seriously, can we like not see racism in every single fucking thing on the planet? Keep it up and no one’s going to believe you on the rare occasion that you actually are discriminated against. 

Nothing like waking up with a smile on your face and for good reason. :) I had another win dream last night, though I didn’t “see” what I won. I always win something after these kinds of dreams, so it doesn’t matter either way. The dream only lasted a second. I clicked on an email and as soon as I spotted the word “Congratulations!” I woke up. 

So I’m checking my inbox religiously, though I probably won’t know what it is for a few days. Just the other day I was asking myself if I thought my name had been snagged at the end of the month, and the answer to myself was yes. I have no doubt that I won something. I just don’t know if it’s small or big.

Just when I was hoping my period would be late, I get it. Ugh. I feel like the damn things will never stop. 

Went out walking/running for 24 minutes and burned 156 cals with an average heart rate of 137. I forgot to take my damn camera with me. I want to record myself running through the park sometime. 

Talked to Tammy yesterday. I’m glad I caught her call too, because I’m not always around my phone. We haven’t talked since I saw her, and she just had back surgery. There are several complex procedures she’ll have to go through, none of which are pain-free. 

I was remembering back to when I was going through my own health issues and she told me that I would get better but she wouldn’t. She was right and it just seems so unfair that she can’t get better, too. But there’s a difference between someone with either too much or too little of the wrong hormones versus someone with a disease as complex as fibromyalgia. She has arthritis to deal with too. Fortunately, I’m not arthritic yet that I know of, but my joints are definitely a little less flexible and stiffer than they were in the past. Some might say I’m rather flexible for 50, but that’s only because I work out. 

I’ve been making a point to eat in moderation. I could never say that I’ll never eat sweets ever again. I have things that taste good every day. I just make sure to have them in moderation. I find that I feel better if I eat at regularly scheduled intervals. I’ll have something like a banana and oatmeal two hours after getting up, then four hours later I might have soup and yogurt. Four hours after that I will eat one last time and have a frozen dinner if I don’t feel like cooking anything myself, with a small dessert of some kind. If I can’t make it until bedtime then I might have a fruit cup or something. 

Mark’s now at another nursing home as a maintenance technician (I guess he had problems with his old job where they promised him a raise he never received). I managed to get Tammy laughing a bit, despite her pain in regards to our “aunt.” The one that never gave a damn about us, but then again none of them ever really did. This one was the worst, though. She hit me when I was staying with her abusive husband at their campgrounds as a teen, and she’s the gossiper from hell. She spread a lot of lies and false rumors about me and was very negative and stuck up. She also knowingly left me alone during some holidays when she only lived a stone’s throw away and was just an all-around horrible person. Probably still is, though I haven’t seen her since around 1990. 

Being the prankster that I was, I’d prank her by crossing her with others with 3-way calling. I’d call her and someone at random at the same time, leaving them both confused as hell when they’d answer each other, both swearing they didn’t call each other. Insisting the guy I crossed her with called her and she simply answered, she said in that phony voice of hers, “Don’t make me crazy!” 

I would record the confusion on cassette tapes and then edit them in a dual cassette player. One thing I loved to do was mix them down and make them st-st-stutter. So after working my editing magic, I called her back and pressed play as soon as she answered. She got an earful of herself. It went something like this:

"Don't make me crazy, don't m-m-make make me crazy. Cr-cr-cr-crazy. Cr-cr-crazy crazy crazy..."

I doubt that I can keep a schedule about as much as I doubt Tom could talk loud enough to activate both Alexa and Dot at once. Honestly, I’d rather not be able to keep a schedule and feel well-rested enough to be productive, rather than be scheduled, tired and with no energy to do shit. Like asking me if I’d rather be poor and healthy vs. sickly and rich. The answer’s obvious. 

“You're welcome to exit my life but don't think you can re-enter it later on. Once you've dumped or blocked me that's the way it STAYS. I don't waste time on those that don't want me in their life because there are so many people that DO." 

Saw this written somewhere and totally agree with it. 

Yesterday I was both lazy and productive. Other than a “killer” workout and an asthma attack, I didn’t do much. Changed the rats’ cage, cleaned the air filters, and binged on Netflix. 

Tammy bought our parents’ house back in my dreams last night. One of the ones in Longmeadow. Then she bought a grocery store, LOL. I was hanging out in it after hours one night with her and her dog. I dashed to the toy section, happily ripped a ball out of a package, and then ran around playing ball with the dog. 

Then Kirsten Vangsness from Criminal Minds wanted to be my girlfriend, but I only liked her as a friend, haha.

Sometimes I still think maybe I oughta dump the rest of my friends and just delete or at least disappear on them, but I still can’t bring myself to do so. Especially not Mitch, Christine and Adonis on Facebook or Eileen and my VH sisters. I could disappear from my journal followers more easily than I could cut off my Facebookers. 

I am sure, however, that I’ll never again be open to new friends. I don’t care what they look like, who they are, or what they may have to offer either. The drama is just way too old for me and I’m tired of having to dump people or being dumped by them. 

In 2010 Lisa demanded I apologize for something I had absolutely no knowledge of so we could “move on.” Did she really want me to lie to her? And did she really expect us to go on as if nothing happened? As if she didn’t go from sweet and kind one minute to screaming false accusations the next? Well, she obviously can’t “move on” and neither will I where she’s concerned. 

It also still bothers me that so few people ever sought me out on Facebook and places like that. I mean maybe they did and just didn’t reach out to me. Or maybe they did reach out and I didn’t get the message. Facebook makes it very hard to contact people who aren’t in our circle. I’m making a point of not peeking in on Nane and a few others periodically, as once again, that’s just me going to them. I looked up and reached out to so many people over the years yet who looked for me other than Lisa until she ruined our relationship? 

Even my Italian parents. Yes, I loved the hell out of them and they loved me, but why couldn’t they – if they didn’t have a computer of their own – ask someone they knew to see if they could find me and see what was up with me? 

Other than maybe one or two people, no classmates ever reached out to me. No teachers ever reached out to me. No neighbors ever reached out to me (not that I’d want most of them to do so). And of course, Tom’s family couldn’t care less. 

Sometimes I envy him, though. Not just for being friendless, but for being family-less as well. I said I didn’t want us to have to go through another crisis without family, but what if we did lose the place in the future? How could Tammy save us when she has less money than we do? Furthermore, being on the streets wouldn’t be nearly as terrifying as what I went through with my health. 

I still have mixed emotions about my family. Sarah’s temper was a bit scary, and remember, her other aunt threw her out without warning. No one does that to their own niece unless they’re either batshit crazy or their niece does something pretty damn scary. 

When the subjects of God, the parents and Bill came up, as I knew they would, Tammy still showed signs of being in love with Bill and on his side even though she “understands why I did it.” I mean look at her eulogy to Mom alone. That shows that she’ll accept, love and respect an abuser just like Aly will be quick to embrace a lying nutjob. I’d bet almost anything that she is in fact friends with Molly. They may not talk regularly, and Molly may not be allowed online regularly, but their friends. No doubt about it. 

There’s also the unnerving fact that Tammy wouldn’t hesitate to get me in jail if the opportunity presented itself and she was pissed off enough to do it. Remember, she tried to sell her own kid out with the Workman’s Comp thing. If she can rake her own kid over the coals, why not her sister? 

So yeah, you could say I still have mixed emotions at times. I’m just trying to remain in the gray. Instead of contacting family daily or never, I just come around every now and then, especially with my nieces. It’ll be months before I hear from them again, no doubt. 

Later… 

Went bike riding but had to cut it short. My heart started booming and my ass was killing me. Not used to biking, not used to this seat. 

Then I ended up having an asthma attack. First one since last fall. I don’t know if there was something in the air or what, but after a half-hour of trying to cough up the wheeze and congestion, I finally got brave enough to shoot it out with the Ventolin inhaler I got from Dr. A last December. It’s still hard for me to just take medication in general, even though I was on inhalers for many years before quitting smoking (a preventative inhaler besides a rescue inhaler). I try to tough things out on my own, even if it means I have to suffer a bit, but it just wasn’t going away on its own so I shot it out. First time I ever used this inhaler. Nowadays they have counters. I have 203 puffs left, but hopefully, I’d have to live another century before I used them all up. I was afraid the thing would make me jittery and more congested, but it didn’t. It stopped the wheezing and congestion in an instant. 

Despite being run through the wringer a bit, emotionally I’ve been great. No anxiety or any negative emotions to speak of and I hope it stays that way now that I’ve fully recovered from the higher thyroid dose. That’s the shitty thing about that drug. You don’t get better the instant you stop. It takes about 3 months to really recover. 

I awoke in the night and made a mental note of all the dreams I could remember, but now I can’t remember a thing. Oh well. 

For now I am wondering what annoying project will steal my peace tomorrow. At least it’s been peaceful so far this weekend. I’m going to go enjoy the rest of the peace while it lasts. Perhaps a Netflix binge is in order.