As far as Teddy Bear goes, I’m moving on and putting her behind me. That’s all I can do. Only one of three things could’ve happened. 1. She never got the letter and decided to blow me off by not calling. 2. She got the letter and decided to blow me off. 3. I was just a game to her all along and she never had any intentions of contacting me.

I would hope that number 3 is the least likely thing to have happened.

I can’t say for sure whether or not Tom mailed my letter to Pérez, but if he didn’t, then he probably never mailed Rule’s either, and therefore, I wouldn’t have to worry that they may be conspiring against me for writing 3 DOs, that to them, may be like 30.

Mary was telling me that a DO named Sexton, appropriately, was arrested for having sex with female inmates at Madison. But how could that be, unless it was done at the intake area? Madison’s a male jail.

At 9:00 this evening, I took a 4-hour nap after taking a Benadryl to try to get my schedule flipped faster so I could go to the store to hunt for that hair dye. I also need new books.

Tom showed me a site called I Won. It’s where you can compare your scores to others and win prizes if your score is the highest. Well, as good as I am at Mah Jong, I doubt I’ll get the highest score or win anything.

Speaking of winning anything, after he won $5 at the new casino, which was rather shitty, we went to our regular casino where I lost about $50. I should’ve known better, knowing we’re predestined to lose every time we step foot in a casino, and I should’ve gotten the Brazilian doll if there was a chance they could get it to me. This Thursday is when we’ll be emailing the doll people for shot number two at getting Chris.

Although the babies are getting a bit braver, they’re still way too skittish for these kinds of rats. Especially ones that were born here.

Later…

the cheeks came by at 11:30. He said he sent my progress report off, along with copies of my certificates.

We called JBS Dolls in Mesa. An undressed Joy kit costs $225 and an undressed assembled kit costs $250. We’re going to go with the assembled kit. This Friday, after we see the cheeks, we’ll stop in their store and place the order. I think it’ll take something like two weeks for her to arrive from Kingman. I’m pretty sure I’ll want her in an Indian slip with dark hair and eyes.

I don’t know that I’ll want to continue with the other doll place. If it isn’t the post office fucking up, they’re out of stock on the dolls. No wonder they’re so cheap. Not being stocked up is one thing, but this is the second time out of the 4 different deliveries (every other time) that the post office has fucked up and I can’t have that. I could put up with them not getting the dolls to me on time, but I can’t put up with them not getting some of the dolls to me at all.

For the first time in a long time, I’ve been stuck for more than two days and it’s caused me to gain 3 pounds.

I tell myself to get over it, but even so, I still find myself pissed off at myself just as much as those who have wronged me. Why was I so nice, so trusting, and so stupid when it came to the freeloaders and pigs?! Why did I let that black bitch come to my door and tell me to shut up so she could accuse me of being everything she and her people were? Why didn’t I kick her ass then? Why? Why? Why?

And why did I believe God would let me have Teddy Bear, if only part-time?

And why doesn’t it bother me that my husband’s not interested in touching me? Why aren’t I crying over that, doing everything I could possibly think of to turn him on? Why don’t I desire him? Does it not bother me that we’re not interested in each other cuz I’ve come to accept it and to know that that’s part of being together for a long time?

Later…

They’re up on the renter’s roof right now. My God, the work over there never ends! Also, they have a large plastic garbage can on wheels sitting out by the road as if they expect trash pickup.