All last night I went back and forth between crying over Teddy Bear and stressing over the state. I mean, how bad are we looking at here, as far as classes go? How many days a week? And how much more money are we going to lose to this shit? And what will the next demand be? That I work? Pay more money?

Anyway, I suppose I should be mad at Teddy Bear. Especially if she’s deliberately dumping me. But all I feel is shock. She’s the last person I expected this from. Her dumping me surprises me as much as it would if Tom dumped me. I don’t know, maybe there was some crisis, accident or illness going on with her or her family. But if she could get to a phone, couldn’t she have called to say it’d be a while if she had some serious shit going on with her? That way I wouldn’t be left hanging and wondering.

Maybe she’s waiting for a day off to call, but I doubt it. I mean, I don’t see why she’d need to. If she’s working first shift, she could call after work. If she’s working second shift, she could call before work. If she’s working third, she could call after she got up, assuming she goes to bed when she gets home.

When I was focusing on the pros of her ditching me, I said that at least she wouldn’t get the chance to fuck me over, but it looks like she already did. If she truly did lead me on for no reason, then she already did fuck me over. And there was no good to be had with the bad, either. Meaning that all Estrella jail was for me was one big old punishment.

Well, Tom S doesn’t need any friends, so why should I? Why should I need Teddy Bear, Mary or Paula? After all, I’m the one who says that more people in your life means more trouble.

I’m just really shocked cuz she seemed so genuine. And she was the one to bring up the getting together. I only mentioned writing. Usually, the one who brings something up first is for real. It’s the other one that may be like, “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” just going along with them, not having the heart or the guts to let the person know they’re not on the same wavelength. Yet I know I didn’t imagine her liking me. She truly did like me. No one can put on an act that well. Nor was it just my imagination that Palma and Pérez liked me either.

Isn’t she even a little bit curious? I thought I wrote a letter that’d really entice her to keep her word. I mentioned the book, for example, so isn’t she even the tiniest bit curious about checking that out? And although I told her she doesn’t have to feel obligated to take the mice, doesn’t she feel a bit bad knowing I tried to breed the kind she likes and that I have these mice waiting for her? Can she really be that cold to just suddenly up and not care? And if that’s the case, once again, why is she doing this to me? Maybe the intro to the Estrella saga I so stupidly sent in did get called to her attention before it was given to Mary, I don’t know.

I thought this whole thing made sense; why I was destined to go to jail besides to be punished by a God who hates my guts, but now, nothing in life seems to make sense, and if I thought trusting people was hard in the past - well - now I’m really gonna have a hard time buying what anyone says.

Judging by when the vibes faded, she must have made the decision to back out at the last minute. Either something I said in my letter scared her off or something happened right when she got the letter, causing her to be either unwilling or unable to contact me.

I don’t know, maybe she did fall in love with me. Maybe, after having time to reflect on it, she decided her feelings were too strong for a married person this far away. Whatever the reason, though, it’d be nice if she’d called and offered some kind of explanation, thanking me anyway for the mice. Even if she decided I was fat and ugly, it’s a shame she doesn’t have the guts to tell me so.

Maybe she decided she didn’t want to see me back when she dyed her hair. I was going to dye my hair too, but once I learned that she liked it as it is, I decided not to. Well, why would she dye her hair, knowing I liked her just the way she was? And she did this right around the time Ida was there and when the intro was sent in.

So what’s next, I wonder? Do I just live a life of celibacy, cleaning the house, writing in journals, and catering to the state of Arizona?

Anyway, I decided that unlike with my stomach, the zapper wasn’t making a difference with my thighs, so I quit shocking them.

The renters have what appears to be either some big playpen or a trampoline set up in front.

Later…

Tom’s up now and should be going to work in an hour or so. I made the mistake of expressing my shock over Teddy Bear’s dumping me, and my worries about tomorrow’s trip to the cheeks. This is cuz he tends to either play down or argue my stresses and concerns, making me feel like I’m a fool for feeling the way I do, or am being unreasonable for feeling the way I do. After the way I’ve been railroaded by this system and so many people throughout my life, how can he expect me not to have the fears and worries I do? I’d really wonder about myself if I weren’t paranoid and if I were a trusting person. Helen says this is normal, but he seems to think the way I feel is silly. At least that’s the impression I get at times.

He tells me, “It’s only been 3 days. You’re jumping the gun and not being fair. People don’t just drop everything the instant you contact them.”

Well, my logic and my vibes tell me she’s not going to contact me. I’ll never know for sure why, but I think it’s safe to assume she changed her mind or never planned on contacting me in the first place.

I wonder how Tom feels about her not contacting me. Somehow I get the feeling he’s glad. After I got out of jail, I had jokingly said he’d be elated if she didn’t show up, fully expecting him to deny this, but he said absolutely nothing in his defense, leading me to believe he really might feel that way for real.

Maybe the only way to survive in this world really is to be like everyone else and not be myself. Maybe I should put on acts for people, even if it means being phony and even a liar. After all, we’re all liars of convenience anyway. We lie when it suits us to do so. Like when the guy doing the mental health screening asked if I had any violent thoughts. Like I was really gonna say that I did?! I used to believe that honesty was the best policy, but now I really believe that saying what’s best is the best policy, whether or not it’s true. Sometimes, not saying anything at all is a good thing, too. Why tell anyone anything at all unless they absolutely need to know it? Maybe we’re all supposed to say we’re gonna do things we know we’re not gonna do. Maybe it’s normal to say we want things we aren’t the least bit interested in. But what am I supposed to do? Say I want to start collecting stamps cuz I don’t? Say yes to Tom if he asks me if I want to start playing softball? Hell, I don’t even look like your average 36-year-old. So does that mean I should cut my hair to my shoulders even if I decide I no longer want to? Should I gain 20-30 pounds?

Later…

Is God teasing me, or what? This is the second evening in a row where the phone’s rung, my heart starts pounding with a sliver of hope and excitement as I race to the phone, only to find it’s a fucking sales call. And ironically, one was to con money off of people for slain cops.

Why did God let me get as far as I did with Teddy Bear if he knew she’d leave me hanging in the end? Just to take yet another stab at me? Does he love seeing me hurt that much?

I don’t know, maybe she decided work was too important to her to fit me into her busy life. With the way she said she had two jobs and was superwoman looking to get into yet a whole new business, maybe she’s married to her job. Maybe that’s her number one in life. Especially with the way she’s such a “dedicated professional.”

Maybe there are new rules now saying no contact ever with former inmates, which would be wrong, of course. Who the hell are they to tell their employees who they can associate with when they’re off duty? I would think that had she cared enough, she’d have been willing to bend the rules a bit if that rule had been changed. I never even thought there ever even was a 1-year rule on that to begin with. Maybe she just said that, hoping that I’d forget about her by then cuz she never really wanted to see me.

But then why did she act so interested? Why did she mention getting together and getting mice from me?

I’ll obviously never know. For all I know, she was fired and is no longer a county employee. Or maybe she was killed in a car accident.

Right now I feel like I’m looking at a tough life ahead of me, always wondering every day for the rest of my life whatever became of her. It’s a depressing thought, too. I’ll never even know her name. Was she Rachel? Was she Rebecca? What would’ve happened had we gotten together? Would we have got it on with each other? How would it have been? How often would it have happened?

It’s a case of forbidden lust for me, just like always. I mean, yes I was attracted to Kacey and Ann Marie, but not like with Teddy Bear.

Oh, Teddy Bear, how could you do this to me? And why?!

What if they threw the letter away? They’re not supposed to, but if she’s not working there, some might find it easier, with all the pieces of mail they’ve got to go through, to simply ditch it, rather than have it returned to me or forwarded to wherever she is.

What if the letter’s been lost or misdelivered and she’s too shy to call me? What if she lost my number? Anything’s possible, but she seems a little too responsible to have lost it.

And to think that I may find out tomorrow that I’m going to be forced to interact with yet even more people is pretty depressing, too. If I do agree to this class shit, and I may not, depending on how often it is and all that, I’ll know better this time than to agree to get together with anyone. I won’t even talk to anyone other than to try to con money out of them.

I still feel like I’m always going to be at the mercy of society and its control as long as I live! I know it’s only a matter of time before God forces me to be around people.

Some of the Mexicans next door were out taking an evening stroll. They were walking up Ralston when I spotted them, then they headed onto their land. I saw a large black dog, a small black dog, a little boy on a bike, and a young woman in her late teens to early twenties.

It’s that time of year when we hear this loud buzzing out there. It’s pretty scary. Tom says he doesn’t think it’s bees. Sure sounds like it to me, though. He says he’ll hunt for hives. If there are hives, there are sprays that allow you to spray them from long distances.