When oh when am I going to get over you, Officer R. D. Johnson? Last night was tough. I cried and cried and cried. I wanted to be with her so badly. To get to know her, to get it on with her, etc. Her blowing me off has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. I thought it’d be easier to take, but I thought wrong. I know I’m going to get over her, but the question is when? How many weeks, months or even years will it take? Every day I wake to the same questions: how could she do this to me and why?

I hope that if I’m ever crushing on another woman she’s a celebrity like Gloria. That way I can’t get led on and dropped like I was some kind of a joke. Like I was just something to pass the time with.

At least I won’t have to worry about ever making any dumb decisions. Never have to make any tough decisions. I’ll never get the misfortune of ever being torn between her and Tom. Never risk throwing it all away for her - Tom, my home, my security - just to end up dumped, homeless and penniless on account of her.

Being in jail and having firsthand experience with the system like I have has changed my views and opinions on some of the laws. First of all, I don’t think any non-violent people should ever be jailed. Probation is enough of a punishment, and their families need them. When you lock people up, the families suffer as well. One could lose so much by being locked up. What if someone owns a house and has no one to take care of it while they’re gone? That just seems like an awful lot to lose over drugs, hooking or supposed letters filled with threats. A person could lose their home, their possessions, their job, and in essence, their whole life.

I used to believe violent people should be killed to save on the costs of housing and feeding them, but now I don’t think so. I think they should live to suffer. They should be beaten and tortured every day of their lives until they die.

In case I forgot to say so, I stopped emailing chickenmax a few months ago. I just got sick of it.

Later…

I decided that rather than try to write another novel of any kind, I’d just write clips. Bits and pieces of various scenes and situations like are done for virtual reality. Who knows? Maybe someday we’ll have the software for that, though from what Tom says, it doesn’t look all that real. It’s a complex thing that looks quite animated, but either way, as a form of self-therapy for myself, as well as for something more to do, I’ll consider myself a virtual reality scene writer. Of course, I’ll just be doing the script part of it and no drawings. This will be therapeutic in the way that it was to send the freeloaders their shit. Especially the made-up stuff like how I went house-hopping, hopping from roof to roof. And how she supposedly chased him with the weed whacker. How Bill and I picked the bitch up together.

I know I’m not going to profit financially from doing this, but I think it’ll help and that it’ll be fun and give me something more to do. To explain a little more about what I had in mind, well, it’d be sort of like the way Mary writes. She writes clips of different experiences she’s had, only they really happened. For me, I’ll be writing clips of things that never happened, but that might’ve gone the way I wrote them if they had. I can write a scene on how I thought it’d be - how I’d like it to have been - with Teddy Bear and I in bed. The scene I’m going to start with is one where I confront her and her girlfriend in public. This is because I think the most likely reason she blew me off is cuz she’s seeing someone.

Mine and Mary’s writing styles are very different, so she really helped me to see other ways of writing, you could say.

Tom both surprised and pleased me when he said no to if he wanted to read it. Now why couldn’t he have done that with my bio?

Before I begin, Little Buddy managed to escape by pulling the door open so now I keep it hooked. They probably worked as a team. As the little ones pulled the door inward, that’s probably when he hopped out.

A couple of other things - Tom’s still not convinced she’s blown me off, but I am. I know she’s gotten the letter and I know she wouldn’t have waited this long to contact me if she really wanted to.

I also asked him what his opinion would be as to why she blew me off, and he said that I may’ve come across as too obsessive and made her nervous.

I doubt it. I mean, she sure as hell didn’t seem nervous to me back in that jail. A nearly 6’ tall person with a gun nervous of an unarmed person nearly a foot shorter and 80 pounds lighter? I don’t think so.

Then why did she talk about us getting together? I asked Tom, and he said she was just making conversation.

That’s a hell of a conversation to be having with someone that you know likes you and that you’re supposed to like back. She should’ve picked something else to make small talk about, which was obviously all she was doing - just talking.

Though I may be obsessive in the way that I’m always thinking about her and talking about her to Tom, I don’t think I came on too strong for her, but maybe I did. Maybe Miss Shy & Old Fashioned felt I was too outspoken for her, but again, I don’t know about this. She seemed to like that quality in me, telling her how I kept her on her toes.

If anything I may’ve said or did truly did scare her off, what a wimp. What a major wimp! I thought this was supposed to be a strong, intelligent person. Well, intelligent, yes. Strong, no. Maybe she’s not even as intelligent as I thought she was either if Tom’s right. That’s because the fact that I waited a year to contact her like we agreed upon, should tell her I can’t possibly be obsessive in a bad or dangerous kind of way. If I were truly a stalker or an obsesser, I wouldn’t have waited. I’d have begun to peruse her as soon as I got out of there, making up any excuse I could think of to get her attention.