I’ve been doing remarkably well as far as getting over Teddy Bear goes. She was, just like every other woman I’ve been attracted to to that degree or more, just a fantasy. I must move on which is all I can do. Whether or not she got the letter, she didn’t want to get together bad enough to call in the end. All I had to do to know this was to not get a call from her. I don’t hate her, but I hate what she’s done, and I know that if we were suddenly to cross paths, I wouldn’t be able to trust her.

When Tom gets up, he’ll email the doll people. They said they’d send another one, but it wouldn’t surprise me if we were told something different this time around. Like to give it another 10 days or more.

After thinking about it and taking into consideration that there is a curse on me when it comes to trying to receive dolls and that the mail system is hit or miss, I decided to stay away from mail-order dolls as much as possible. In a couple of months or so I’m still gonna take a shot at getting the Arab and Brazilian dolls and hope for the best. I’ll either get them or I won’t. Then, instead of ordering from them with birthday and Christmas money, I’m going to save up to buy dolls at JBS. I know it’s more expensive and that it’ll take two birthdays and Christmases to get a doll every two years, but it’ll be a realistic-looking, high-quality doll that we go and get ourselves, without having to deal with the 50/50 chance that the post office will fuck up.

Because I’m so cursed with having to fight for dolls bought through the mail, maybe Paula really did try those two times to send me dolls. I had just thought it was a weird coincidence at the time cuz I was getting her letters. But because they were dolls, and because of the experiences I’ve had, I now wonder if maybe she wasn’t kidding after all. The mail’s so screwy that for all I know Teddy Bear could’ve sent a note saying thanks but no thanks to the mice, etc., though I doubt it. I really thought that having a PO box would mean we’d seldom not get things we order, but it’s cuz it’s dolls I’m trying to get. If I were ordering anything else there wouldn’t be so much of a problem. Because I’m not the one out there working 40 hours a week, God just wants me not to get the things I love as easily. He wants me to work for them, in a sense, by there being a problem with the delivery or the doll being out of stock.

I don’t have any bad vibes as far as seeing the cheeks tomorrow, but I haven’t been much of a psychic lately, so I don’t know. Then again, I never lost my accuracy in predicting bad things. We’ll find out tomorrow, though there’s a chance he may not have heard back from them yet. Hopefully, he never will. Hopefully, they’ll just drop it, stop trying to control me and go pick on someone else.

What I do look forward to tomorrow is going to Walgreens to look for that dye. I hope we find it cuz I want to do something with this damn hair and was going to use that as the deciding factor as to whether or not I cut it or just trim it. I’m so sick of all the static! It’s always, always full of static. I guess it’s cuz I live in such a dry climate.

We’re also going to stop at the bookstore and JBS.

I wonder if the babies will ever calm down. I certainly have my doubts at this point. I’m sick of this scaredy-rat bullshit!