I checked online and couldn’t find any updates on Mary. Even so, there’s a chance that the trial could be over and she could be in Florida now, but I doubt it. I sent her a letter hoping to get some answers, but I won’t write again until I hear from her. It’s been over a month since I heard from her.

Tom said there’s this really cool thing that puts bright pink streaks in your hair. Some girl at work had it in her hair. It’s a dye you brush through and into your hair that’s supposed to glow under black light. She says they sell it everywhere for just $6.

Our stock finally sold, so I guess we’ll be calling around, getting info about Joy as to where the best place to get her will be. I still think JBS will be way too expensive for her, and for stands.

We’re gonna get caught up on the house payments till we fall behind again in a month or two, put extra aside for when something breaks in a month or two, then I guess he’s gonna go ahead and get himself new glasses, too. He doesn’t use contacts anymore cuz they damaged his eyes. Back when he wore them for a week or two straight, they didn’t know that depriving the eye of oxygen like that caused damage.

I’m getting closer and closer to needing glasses myself. How sad. I didn’t think I’d need them till my 40s or 50s.

As for Teddy Bear, if she doesn’t call today, I’ll wonder about her. If she doesn’t call tomorrow, I’ll wonder even more. If she doesn’t call by the weekend, I’ll really wonder about her. For all I know, she could’ve been off Monday or Tuesday, or even on vacation. If not, she should’ve gotten the letter Monday, assuming she is at Madison, or the letter was forwarded to wherever she is. As long as she’s a county employee, I would think she’d get the letter and that it would’ve been returned to me by now if there was a problem getting it to her. At least I don’t have to sit and wonder whether or not the letter was even mailed.

If I don’t get the letter back and I don’t hear from her, then I’ll probably think she changed her mind. I’ll think that either by herself, or with the influence of a friend, decided not to bother with a married ex-con. Either that or I was just a game she was playing while I was in there.

Later…

Surprisingly enough, yet sure enough, vibes of Teddy Bear calling and seeing me are fading. If I’m right, I hope she has a good reason for leading me on and dumping me. Despite the fact that so many people are all talk and no action, I’m really surprised. She seemed so for real.

It’s too soon, you’re jumping the gun, I tell myself, yet I cried for a while there anyway. I just think she’d have called by now. I don’t know, maybe she’s biding her time so as not to appear desperate, but I really think that for some reason, she changed her mind. Now I’ll have more things to wonder about besides her name and things like that. Now I’ll always wonder why she decided not to contact me. Did Ida trash me to her before she left Estrella? Did she meet someone?

Guess I was wrong in assuming the letter would be returned by now if there was a delivery problem. Tom said it’d take about a week. He worked at the post office, so I take his word for it.

I’m analyzing, in my mind, different reasons why I believe different possibilities could be the case. The only thing that suggests she was never into me the way I was with her is the fact that she told me to wait a year. Well, I’d think that if you really liked someone that much, be it intimately or not, you wouldn’t wait. I mean, who’d have known about us? Did she think the sergeant or someone would follow her to see if she had any contact with any former inmates? Did she think they’d follow me to see if I’d have contact with any DOs? Take Mary, for example. Being the unpaid county employee that this state has forced me to be, I’m supposed to not have any contact with anyone with a record, yet she contacted me, and I said “fuck it” to the rules. Some rules were meant to be broken.

If she really cared and if she really liked me, I’d think that she’d have called right before the 29th, not knowing that I know she left Estrella.

It’s a damn good thing I’m learning she’s ditched me now, rather than during the first 4 months or so after my release cuz it would’ve hit me a lot harder back then.

So of all the different possible theories I’ve had, the one where I said, “If God wouldn’t allow me Miss Right in the past, why would he now?” is turning out to be the case. We weren’t meant to be, obviously, or else we’d have met before I met Tom. But why did God let us even get as far as we did back in jail? Just to play with my head? Just to tease me and set me up?

Well, I have no regrets about meeting and marrying Tom, but I’d have preferred it if she could’ve been a part of my life, too. But, since she won’t be, all I can do is look at the positives to it. I won’t have to worry that she’ll be disappointed in me for staying fat. I won’t have to worry about her coming between Tom and I, even if it wasn’t intentional. I won’t have to worry that she’s really some psycho who may end up using and abusing the law against me.

So, instead of spending some of my free time with Teddy Bear, it looks like I’ll be spending it with dumb criminals in these so-called classes.

Later…

I forgot to say that Tom found an ancient backup of some of the stuff I was missing. I was missing 6 months of 1993 and we found half of it. I’m still missing 4/22-5/21 and 8/18-10/22.

It’s too soon. She could’ve had Monday and Tuesday off and just got back to work a few hours ago to find your letter waiting there for her.

Uh-uh. That’s not what my vibes say. And my vibes are rarely wrong when it comes to negative things. I’ll still keep her DOC file and her JPG file for a while. Then I’ll delete it. I think I’ll change my screen name of Feisty Dawn to something else, too.