Sunday, after Tom visits Mom, I should have new ink cartridges. On Monday I can mail out stuff to both Mary and Paula, but I swear I’m gonna stop writing to Paula if I don’t hear from her! How do I even know she’s getting my mail, though she probably is? Also, it’d be nice and a bit fairer if she’d write more often. And for real, too.

Hopefully, Mary can tell me where the DOs say Teddy Bear is (I asked her to ask a handful of them to see how many say Madison or that they don’t know). Also, if Pérez mentioned getting my letter, and if she got the letter where I mentioned writing Pérez. Maybe another thing Mary could do, if she wouldn’t mind playing detective, is to see if she can find out exactly what the policies are. Teddy Bear had told me that they weren’t supposed to have contact with inmates till they’d been out a year (something I suspected may not be the case), but as Tom pointed out, that could’ve changed to never being allowed contact. If there’s any way she could find out what the policy is nowadays, that may help me to understand what may’ve happened. At least it could rule out or narrow down the possibilities.

Once again, it’s quite a coincidence that I said that the post office would fuck up since the doll I ordered was in stock and that’s exactly what happened. If there had been delays a few times, then I’d write it off as a coincidence. After all, nothing’s perfect. But it’s so obvious that something doesn’t want me getting dolls as soon as I should. As cheap as this place is, I’m almost tempted to give up on them. Six dolls and not one of them arrived on time. By now it’s safe to say that Chris was put in someone else’s box. Someone who kept her too, so we’ll have to order another one. I guess Tom will be getting information as to where the best place is to get Joy, as believe it or not, our stock money came in. I hate to think of the hell we’ll have to go through to get her!

After thinking I was going to fill some of my spare time with Teddy Bear, only to find out that she was just a dream, I find myself filled with worries and uncertainties. Knowing God would just ignore any requests for help or answers, I don’t bother to turn to him. I learned better a long time ago. Yeah, God, I know you’re up there laughing down at me right now. Probably saying, “You sucker! You fool!”

And that’s exactly what I am to have believed I’d have Teddy Bear, no matter how sure set it seemed.

So now what? A part of me wishes I could conquer my fears of driving. I don’t know how or why I got his phobia. I’ve never been in an accident before. I suppose some would say that I was in an accident in a previous life and that that’s why driving scares me. I guess anything’s possible, though I’m no longer sure I believe in any kind of an afterlife.

I still can’t believe Teddy Bear’s ignoring me. I’d rather she called and told me she decided I was a fat ugly geek than blow me off without a care in the world! At least then I’d have known why she ditched me.

Though I’m still worlds away from the end of this freeloader sentence, I know that the closer I get to the end of it the closer I get to the next long-term curse and crisis. That could be just as soon as a year and a half away. Sure I want to get the freeloaders out of our lives, but what would I be trading them in for?

Later…

Got a postcard from Mary. The postcard shows a picture of Joe standing amid Tent City.

Mary’s input has made me consider other possibilities, though I won’t be able to take her advice on calling her at Madison.

Ok, say she’s right and she never got my letter and also lost my number. Well, as soon as she said Pérez never gave her any indication of getting my letter (assuming Tom mailed it) it made me wonder if the county held my letters to both of them, as well as to Rule, to try to build a “case” against me. Remember, I’m still Jewish and living in an anti-Jewish state, and I’ve got a stalking label on me, for God’s sake. I have to consider this possibility. The state could be itching to say I’m stalking DOs and if I called looking for her at Madison or at home (not that I know her home number), that could get me in trouble I don’t need. I’ve had enough shit from this state as it is.

She was right in saying that she doesn’t seem like the type to blow me off, but we can never know for sure exactly what happened and why. Some of the nicest, sincerest people can turn out to be phony assholes. I think the best thing to do would be to leave it to fate. That’s all I really can do. I do appreciate her looking into it, though, as well as her support and concern.

Damn, I wish she’d work there again! Then she could ask her what happened and give her the number if she wanted it, but I doubt she’ll ever work there again, and if she does, I doubt it’d be before she left.

Meanwhile, all I can do is wonder what happened and not know for sure. We just can’t have everything we want in life. I mean, sure I wish I could get a message across to her if she didn’t blow me off, but I can’t risk getting into trouble. She either blew me off for any number of reasons, or she didn’t get the letter and she lost the number. If the latter of the two is the case, then God will lead her to me somehow if this is what she wants and if it’s meant to be. I still believe I’ll never see her again, though. I believe what Tom believes - that she got the letter and has chosen to ignore me. Why, I can only speculate as to the many reasons she may have. I think she’s either seeing someone, or that it has to do with a policy, or that she decided I was too far out of the way. She always struck me as the responsible type and although she could’ve lost the number, I doubt she did. I think she’d have called if she didn’t get the letter yet still wanted to see me. Meanwhile, I’m not going to risk getting in trouble for someone who may not want to see me. As I told her, though, she’s still welcome to find out whatever she can.

As far as making Tom take Viagra like she suggested - trust me, nobody makes Tom do anything. Plus, that’s for guys who can’t get hard to begin with. I couldn’t even get him to see a doctor back when I used to want a kid. If he doesn’t want to fix his lack of appetite/cumming, he won’t, and no one can make him. I wouldn’t want to make him anyway. That has to be something a person wants to do on their own. It’s like with losing weight or quitting smoking. You gotta do it for yourself, not someone else.

Secondly, even if he did want Viagra and suddenly had an appetite - I don’t. Not for him anyway. We’ve simply been together too long for that. I love Tom, the man, but I don’t desire sex with him. I’d rather imagine myself with a woman I was attracted to than actually have him. We love each other and we’ll always be together, but not as playmates.

Thirdly, I’ve heard bad reports about Viagra. People have had heart attacks on it. The last thing I’d want Tom to do would be to risk his health all in the name of lust. As long as we love each other, we don’t have to lust for each other. To know we can count on each other through thick and thin is what counts.

She likes the idea of this hair dye thing. Yeah, I figured she would. Hopefully, I’ll get it soon.