I haven’t even been up two hours yet and already my day’s kind of shitty. There are a few good points like the beautiful necklace my folks sent and our phone chat.

The necklace is a crystal heart on a shiny gold chain. I love it because both the chain and the heart are so shiny.

My folks are doing okay and we talked about things like work, the weather, and my teeth. They agree that getting my teeth taken care of is well worth it. They went through the same thing with losing their teeth and getting dentures.

But then we just had to go and run out of propane on a night that’s supposed to get unusually cold at 27º. This would explain why it reeked of propane in here, something it does when it’s about to run out. It started yesterday. God, I am so, so sick of living in trailers! When am I ever going to be able to live in a real house again? Or is that just a dream?

Well, writing is just a dream. Yeah, they rejected the second $56 article. If I can’t even succeed with that out of barely 30 other writers, then it’s hopeless. I totally give up. No more struggling for what isn’t meant to be. I’ll just be the nothing nobody I was meant to be and leave it at that.

Tom thinks the site is just a scam and they were just looking for as many articles as they could get to copy and paste bits and pieces from and that no one will get $56, but IDK.

Anyway, he went out and hooked the small propane tank up and hopefully he’ll at least be able to shower in the morning. We’re running the portable heaters tonight. Tomorrow he’ll fill the 5-gallon tank which will last 4 days, then on Wednesday he’ll call the propane company as planned as Wednesday is when he gets paid and we want to have the tank stuffed so it’s chock full. It should last until the fall from there on out.

Up until a little while ago, I was worried about Maliheh. There’d been no blog views or messages from her and so I thought my little confession didn’t sit well with her. But she quickly let me know a little while ago that she read the message and that it truly deserves a well-thought-out response. But right now she has only so much time before she must be ready for work tomorrow. She asked that I please understand that she respects what I said and will be responding to it but not tonight as she wants to make sure the words are right and wants to put the attention into it that it deserves.

I have a feeling she’s not going to tell me anything I want to hear, but what did I expect? She’s never even so much as hinted at liking me in any way other than as a friend, so I’ll probably get something like: I respect what you feel, but you are married, we’re different, it’s not mutual, etc. She might even try to deny what I feel by saying I couldn’t possibly love her and things like that. Or maybe she’ll suggest we don’t speak to each other so it’s not “hard” on me, but what she really may mean is so that it doesn’t make her too uncomfortable. I’m kind of surprised she’s even going to respond in the first place. She’s ignored me every time I’ve flirted with her, so that’s why I thought she would ignore this too, or flat-out dump me.

She just peeked in on my blog so that’s encouraging, I guess. Anyway, my heart is right here, but my mind is elsewhere tonight.