I wish I could say I was in a better mood today, but I can’t. Tom and I both worry about him being laid off, though he still feels they’ll hire him on at some point.

Although Tom’s going to continue doing research for the “perfect” dentist I know doesn’t exist within a 50-mile radius, I’ve decided not to bother with my teeth for a few reasons, mainly that it’s obviously not meant to be. I wouldn’t be suffering this long (since 2004) if I were meant to see a dentist, would I? And honestly, pain is all I know. I’ve lived with chronic pain for many years now and I just can’t imagine life without it, though it’s not like I’m in pain every day. So just the fact that things keep coming up to prevent me from going pretty much tells me something right there. That it just wasn’t meant to be and that I can handle my teeth on my own. They’ll slowly die off on their own over the years. But I just don’t want to take a chance of getting things started with any kind of dentist and a dental plan just to have him possibly get laid off. We’d be really screwed if we could pay for them to extract my teeth, then he got laid off and there was no way to pay for dentures. The free clinics in California no longer cover dental, so I would be forced to walk around toothless if that happened. It probably wouldn’t happen, but I don’t want to take the chance. It’s too risky to deal with my teeth right now with him as a temp no matter how much he makes. And it’s also become more than obvious to me that enough is never going to be enough. Not only is having a few grand in savings just a dream but so is having enough money. Even when we have enough, like we do now, it’s still not enough. But the main thing is being able to pay the rent, and right now we can.

For now.

Always for now.

All good things eventually come to an end.

I totally regret leaving Phoenix. We should’ve just learned to live with the freeloader’s chaos. If we’d just learned to put up with the blasting music, the screaming kids, the fighting adults, the vandalism, the trash…the house would’ve been all paid for years ago, we’d be in a nicer climate, and we’d have a pool. But like a fool I let them run us out, never knowing we’d have a lifetime of money problems because of it. So once again Tom and Jodi S have to pay for someone else’s shit.

The house wasn’t the greatest. The layout sucked, it was old, it was ugly, and it only had one bathroom, but it was adequate.

I also worry about something going wrong with the pension fund. Why wouldn’t it? We’ve been teased with money before, and something up there loves to tease us with it, so why not? It also took away two of our places in two different states. So why would it let us have a place of our own in the future if we were meant to have one? Something’s going to go wrong with that pension. I just know it. It either won’t be there or it’ll be just pennies.

The thought of being one of God’s designated little poor-ass bums in dumpy old trailers for the rest of our lives makes me want to scream. But I really fear that no matter how much we try to get ahead, something up there is going to kick us back, only allowing us temporary relief like it is now where there isn’t much extra money, but we can afford to pay the rent and put food in our tummies.

I haven’t been putting much in mine, though, cuz I’m back to dieting and exercising. Instead of running non-stop for 20-30 minutes, I’m running 5 minutes every hour for about 10 hours a day. This way I end up running longer in total time, but without getting sweaty and sore joints. I’m also cutting back on the calories, too. This is only the third day of this new setup, but it seems to be working so far. Here’s a sample of my menu:

I got up at 1pm.

3pm: 6 meatballs (200 cals)

5pm: a slice of cheese (60)

7pm: a potato w/ margarine (200)

9pm: cheesy cauliflower (40)

11pm: oatmeal (160)

1am: 6 more meatballs (200)

3am: fruit cup (25)

Plus I’ve had 1 regular and 3 decaf coffees throughout the day/night, each with 60 cals worth of creamer. I even stole one of Tom’s Oreo cookies.

Tom and I just talked again and it’s helped ease my mind a little. I still worry things will go wrong, but he agrees that while there are no guarantees with the pension, he still thinks we’ll get something. He also thinks we could still get a place even if we don’t.

I asked him if he regrets leaving Phoenix. He said no, but what we should’ve done was have a dumpy trailer hauled onto the land in Maricopa before investing in a nice house. But we’ve since learned to get the security before the luxury. If only we could get the chance to get it right!

He also pointed out that in a twisted way, something was looking out for us. Not only were we in danger in Phoenix, but the Maricopa/Stanfield/Casa Grande area has become a very dangerous place thanks to the Mexican drug cartel. And Oregon turned out to be a favor in itself what with how cold it was there, and up on Bly Mountain where we were going to build a place, it was much snowier. So between the dangers of driving in several feet of snow on such steep inclines, and the risk of forest fires in the summer, it worked out for the better. I just worry there’s no place for us anywhere and that we’re going to spend most of our lives struggling no matter what.

Due to the economy being so bad, the pension people could invest in it poorly, leaving us with nothing and no way to sue for any kind of compensation for being screwed out of the money. While we certainly hope to hell this doesn’t happen, it would be just our shit luck.

Regardless of what the future holds, it was a nice day today and I could open the windows for a while when I was cleaning the bathroom.