In Maliheh’s last message to me before she went to bed, she said she wasn’t ashamed of our friendship, values our friendship, and enjoys our emails. In a way I’m kind of bummed she never at least said she was flattered that I love her, thinks I’m attractive and all that stuff we women often love to hear whether we’re looking for commitment or not). But why would she value a friend so far away and put up with me referring to her as my GF and flirting with her? And where were her fuck buddies on New Year’s Eve?

I’m a little sick of her going back and forth as to how she feels about being mentioned in my blog. First it’s “I don’t care if you mention that we talked,” but now she has a problem with even that. So as I told her, I’m cutting her out of my public journal altogether.

I asked if “nobody’s girlfriend” also meant she’s “nobody’s fuck buddy,” and this was when she mentioned having “friends with benefits.”

So this was when I pretty much realized that yeah, she probably would do me or at least see me if I were in her neck of the woods, and so the door’s still open as far as possibilities there. The question is, do I want to move to a climate that’s not “ideal” just to have a possible affair with her? And would it really even be an affair if Tom and I are just buddies ourselves? She’d be perfect, but not. I wouldn’t have to worry about her getting clingy like Marie, but as she herself said, she’s a bitch. If I moved there just to maybe get into a fight with her and never be able to see her again, I’m stuck in a place that wouldn’t necessarily be the best place to be. Humid, full of blacks, too cold in the winter…

She also told me she works midday, starting from 3:00 or 4:00 to 7:00 or 8:00. What, did she win the lottery or something? How can she afford to rent a house and all the services she gets on part-time hours? This can’t be more than 20 hours a week. And she has Mondays off.

Anyway, this was my last message to her:

Tom has always had a rather low appetite and this really bothered me at first during the first few years of our marriage. Yeah, more true confessions coming your way. Because of the age difference, I was still at my peak and he was past his so it was frustrating. But as I got older I too, came to not be so sexually needy. It came down to that I loved him but didn’t care for the sex and eventually we stopped altogether. It’s been years. Yeah, it really has, and no, I’m not kidding. You probably figured as much, though, huh? You’re a very smart and perceptive person. Wow, if I can tell you this much, I can tell you anything. And this is not in my bio.

We tried to get into it again a couple of years ago but just couldn’t stick to it. Finally, I said let’s just admit that we don’t really want to do this. We love each other as friends, soulmates, roommates – that sort of thing – but not as lovers. So my love for him grew over the years, but the lust died. I swear sometimes something does not want me to experience any real lust or to ever act out my fantasies. Like there’s some kind of sexual curse on me. Of those I’ve been attracted to, you’re 3000 miles away, Marie’s crazy, Nane’s 6000 miles away, Teddy Bear was reprimanded and transferred before anything could happen with us. See the pattern? But like I said, I don’t want to ever leave Tom and I don’t want to put the reigns on any woman either. I too, would back off if she got too pushy and wanted to get together with me (to fuck or not to fuck) too often.

I just want you to know, though, that if we are ever neighbors, or close enough to it, I won’t have any expectations. If you want to see each other as strictly friends, fine. But if you put your hands on me, don’t expect me to stop you, LOL. And I also want to thank the hell out of you for letting me open up to you and for doing the same in return. I feel a lot better and I could hug you for it, so thanks. :) Now I feel more like we know where we’re coming from, what we’re open to, where we’d draw the line, and nobody’s left to guess on anything.

Lastly, I want to remind you that our fantasies aren’t always what we want in reality. I may dream about and kid about being your wife, but that doesn’t mean that’s what I want. LOL, I’ve been lots of people’s wives that I’d never really want to be in real life. Even if we were both single and looking for commitment, I still think we’d get on each other’s nerves too much. So yeah, some fantasies would be nice to experience for real, but some wouldn’t. I was even Gloria Estefan’s wife for a few years, LOL.

Do you want me to share my private journal excerpts with you that pertain to you, like the dreams and stuff like that? You know some of them are kind of funny, but it’s up to you.

And this is what I posted in my blog:

I don’t usually do more than one entry per day, but I just wanted to clear something up. As I was just telling someone recently, I’m not a great writer, just a good one. And sometimes I don’t quite make myself clear on where I’m coming from, though I do try my best.

I don’t want to be more than friends or fuck buddies with a woman I may meet. Not even if I have feelings for her. I realize I may’ve given my readers, both those who know me and don’t know me, the wrong idea about what I’d like in life. I’m not looking to replace my husband. Nor am I looking to add another full-time relationship to the one I’ve got with him. No matter how many women I may like, love or lust for along the way, I’m only open to casuals. I will be friends with any potential fuck buddy and I will be fuck buddies with any potential friend. But I will not commit myself to anyone other than Tom, and after spending a few hours or even a night with her, she must be prepared to bring me home without a fight.

I don’t mind if someone’s attracted to me. I don’t even care if they love me. Just so long as they understood the rules up front. Feelings, wants, desires, goals and dreams may be subject to change throughout life, but the rules would always be the rules unless together we agreed to change them in any way.

My dreams and fantasies don’t necessarily reflect the truth and that’s another thing I want to point out. Sure I want to win the millions of dollars I may dream or imagine winning. But this doesn’t mean I really want to be someone’s wife just because I may dream I am, or that their confessions of love are actual premonitions of the truth. Maybe they are, but maybe they aren’t. That’s all I wanted to say. Never assume a dream means anything in particular unless I say it does.

I also don’t settle either. Just because I can’t have first best in a woman doesn’t mean I’m going to suddenly say “What the hell” and start settling for any of those nutty uglies I’m so good at getting.

I don’t think I will ever have any kind of a “special” friend or a fuck buddy not only because I am so damn picky, but I don’t think it’s meant to be. I’ve said that about other things, though, so we’ll see. I just try to take it one day at a time. Meanwhile, I just wanted to make clear what’s really on my mind and what the facts really are so no one misunderstands where I’m coming from.