Auburn, California
Age 45

I’m glad I could spend New Year’s with Maliheh. I get the feeling she may’ve felt lonely if I hadn’t.

Tom crashed at around 8:00 PT. But had someone told me just who I was going to ring in the new year with I never would’ve believed it in a million years. dances with delight When I’m 80 years old, I still won’t believe I spent it with Maliheh B., LOL. Although it was only 9pm, I consider that to be the new year because I’m from the east. The closer it got to 9:00 the more I would find myself checking my e-mail. Just when I thought she might not make it, she messaged me. :) It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if she couldn’t get around to it, but I’m really glad she did. She really brightened up my night and made my okay night even more okay, not to mention made me feel kind of special. I hope that she will be a part of my life for many more years to come even if we never get to see each other again. After I thanked her she said, “No, thank you for spending New Year’s with me.”

She also says my stats seem to be off. According to my list, she was in my blog just minutes before New Year’s her time. I think she might have been confused because my stats list is in PT times at which time she says she was out picking up nails to build the stage she’s trying to build. She also says that she looked in this morning, yet the 8:50 PM hit appears to be her first for the day.

Last night I dreamt That Maliheh whispered something in my ear, then hugged me. She was in other dreams as well that I can’t remember. Making myself dream of her is a technique I’m getting rather good at. I just can’t always remember them all. The only other dream I remember was rescuing a rat that looked like mine that someone was abusing in some large building. I took the rat and proceeded to run out of the building and into a parking lot, but there was no way to escape because the parking lot was surrounded by tall concrete walls.

I have no New Year’s resolutions, but I do hope we’re one step closer to getting a house in whatever state we’re meant to end up getting one in. And I also wish to hell they’d hire on Tom!

One thing I can say for sure, though, is that 2010 was a reminder that some of life’s least-expected experiences can be the best things to happen to us.

But why? Why does it mean so much to me to mean something to her? And why does she mean so much to me? I’m still trying to figure that one out. Well, we can’t win ‘em all in life and so I don’t expect to be “special” in any way. But maybe someday I’ll have some answers.

Some people have insisted that they have been to my blog but are not showing up on my stats list. It does seem strange that certain people I expect to see regularly aren’t on the list.

Later…

I wanted to bawl my eyes out for a little while as guilt tore at my heart on account of the “games” I’ve played on Maliheh having “anonymous” people write comments about her as a means of my being able to express myself about her even more openly, and for the shit I pulled with her friends last July. She doesn’t know about the games, but before I explain what brought it on, I got a message from Marie swearing she’s been reading my journal since the end of the year and it wasn’t she who was screwing with me about “Mali.” She went to Texas and got fucked over instead, she’s not the piece of shit she was last year, she’s moving to CA in June, etc.

That story about Marie “confessing” was just a story I created in hopes of easing Maliheh’s mind as to who the so-called impersonator could be, and I shared this message with Maliheh too, after telling Marie thanks for letting me know, good luck to you, I’ll honor your request, but don’t contact me again.

Maliheh was understandably upset with me for messing with her friends and says she doesn’t want old, negative memories from the past dredged up.

I feel terrible for causing her to lose her friends. It’s like I got her back after all those years of being pissed at her despite still having a thing for her. And I got her back a little too much, much more than I intended. At the time, the bullshit I wrote in my entries was intended for her and her only as a means of pissing her off.

I cried for the things I wish I could change but know I never can. But I needed to get that out and so I’m glad I did. Sometimes we have to confront the past in order to move ahead into the future. Then when I was done I pulled myself up and reminded myself that it was a new year, and while I can’t control everything that may happen, like whether or not Tom gets hired on, and while I can’t make people see me as more than just a friend even though a few like to think I can, I’m determined to make the best of it.

When I was taking a trip down Memory Lane and back to my 20s and 30s, I was remembering how angry a person I was in those days. But I’m in my 40s now. Shouldn’t I be over most of that anger? Oh, I know I am and that I deal with and handle things in general much better than I used to, but this doesn’t mean I’m perfect either. There have been a couple of instances where I’ve “slipped” and handled my anger poorly and did some mean and immature things. My punishment for it will be the guilt I have to live with, but as they say, we do live and learn. And we change, too. I won’t egg your car or prank call you if you piss me off, and if you choose to disassociate yourself from me I’ll let you go without a fight.

I wish I could understand why certain things matter to me that shouldn’t. Why should it matter to me what Maliheh thinks of me, for example? Nothing she could think could change my life in any way. It can’t make me richer or poorer. It can’t change my health in any way either. All it could do was make me sad or very happy. But that leads me to my next question. Why would it make me happy to learn that certain things are mutual? Why??? Why should I care and why does it matter? They never will be, so why can’t I just leave it at that in my mind and quit wishing? Yet I can’t control my own feelings any more than I can control others, for the day I can is the day I will never again be attracted to those who aren’t attracted to me. And I will never feel an ounce of affection other than what normally goes with friendship with those who don’t feel any affection for me.

“Life is full of surprises,” people say. “You never do know what the future holds, so don’t assume too much.”

This is true, too. I only hope it holds good things for me! And for those I care about, intimately or not.

I also thought back to when I first started journaling online. I never thought it would come to what it’s come to. I just didn’t expect so many people to follow my journal. It all started at the old kiwibox.com that I stumbled upon by accident. It seemed silly at first – an online journal – but I jumped in anyway. I didn’t like that the site was filled with mostly teenagers and I didn’t like some of the rude people there, but I got a good friend out of it in the end – Alison. So as I learned, sometimes a few bad experiences are worth the one good experience that may come of it.

But Jesse’s not any quieter. :( Yeah, he just had to wait till I got up to gun the motorcycle a couple of times without appearing to go anywhere. Is that fun for him? Is it fun to just sit there gunning engines and spoiling people’s peace?

Last night was surprisingly quiet, though. Just one semi-loud shot, then just a few others way off in the distance, but nothing that woke up Tom or that would’ve woken me up had I been sleeping. No barking either.

Am I being like Marie where Nane’s concerned? I left a New Year wish on her wall and so did some other woman. Only she liked and replied to theirs, but not mine. I also noticed she’s not visible anymore when she’s online. But I only initiated a chat with her twice. I hope she’s not upset over the Lover of the Day application on my wall where she was randomly chosen to be the lover of a particular day.