Maliheh emailed me at 9:00 last night, a few hours after I crashed. All she said was that she was busy and they were expecting snow and ice. She also looked in on my blog.

I’m at the top of a slide, just sitting there holding tight to the rails. Smart but sometimes useless me knows that if she lets go of those rails and goes weeeee! down the slide, a well of depression awaits her at the bottom. Not something she cares to slip into.

But I sometimes feel bored even when there’s plenty to do. And I sometimes wish for change even when things are changing. I know that even if I had my perfect little dream home and no money or health worries, some things still wouldn’t change. I will still want what I don’t really want, and I will still want to be where I don’t really want to be. Does any of this make any sense? Oh well, it doesn’t matter. I get what I’m saying and that’s good enough for me. That’s life as the “mentally challenged.” Or should that be “emotionally challenged?” Sometimes trying to sort through my emotions can be just that – a challenge.

So I’m weighing the various options available to me even if that doesn’t seem like many. I could always kill myself. Then I’d never get bored again or wish for change that cannot come, or at least that can’t come fast enough. But where I had one person to live for before, now I feel I have two. I shouldn’t feel that way, perhaps, but I do. It may be only in my mind that I have two people to live for, but just because I haven’t lost touch with reality doesn’t mean I’ve always got to be realistic, does it? So if I say I have two people to live for, then two it is. :)

Nane seems to be having a good time in Turkey, and I must admit I’m a bit envious. I hate to travel and I hate hotels, but I miss swimming and it already seems like it’s been winter for 6 months. A little sun and sea (though I prefer pools) wouldn’t hurt when for the first time in what’s probably the history of Auburn, it stayed under 40º two days in a row. Where’s global warming when you need it?!

I just checked our 5-cast, and you know what? It really makes me want to say “fuck it” and let go of these rails – weeeee!

The rat wants to play now, though. So I guess I better back up and climb down this slide’s ladder.

At least for now.

Ooh, look at that! The Klammers are in the single digits and they’re going to get snowed on all week. Yeah, I’ll stay alive for now. Can’t laugh at them if I’m dead, can I?

But my folks are going to be in the 80s. I’d rather a million humid summer days than just a few down in the 20s. I’ve never seen or heard of it getting this cold here. We’d always climb up at least into the 40s by the afternoon, but we’ve only come up to the 30s for two days now and counting.

Even Jesse’s been quiet. But the “noise curse” is aimed at me, so once I’m alone and Tom’s at work, I’m sure Jesse will be back to running and gunning the truck on and off all day long.

The palpitations have been worse lately and they’re annoying as hell. Particularly towards the end of my day.

Paula sent an email wanting me to call her, so I’ll call her later. I guess she lost my number and wants to tell me all about whatever loser she’s hanging with these days.