I have a lot to update on this last day of May. It’s amazing how one who doesn’t work outside of the house can have so much to say, but while my non-cyber life may not be overly sociable, I sure do have a very active online life, LOL.

If I had any lingering doubts over Kim’s sanity and involvement in some of the shit she’s been pulling on Aly and I, they’re gone now. Like Andy said it hit him like a bell in the night that I wasn’t joking about my sleep disorder, reality hit me like a bell in the daytime where Kim’s concerned. And yes, I do intend to make this entry public. Just like she’s bashing me in public – and I certainly don’t mind – I’ll be sharing what happened since journals are for writing about our lives, our experiences, and the people that affect our lives, directly, indirectly, and in both big and small ways. But as always, there will be no last names.

To sum it up in a nutshell, the woman is downright crazy. Just totally insane and as mad as Molly only with a slightly different twist. She’s mean like Molly. She lies like Molly. She’s delusional like Molly. But if MPD truly exists, I think Molly is just – well – Molly. Kim, on the other hand, seems to be many people rolled into one. I first thought she had been living in a fantasy world for so damn long, impersonating this one and impersonating that one, and telling so many lies for so long that she could no longer distinguish fact from fiction. But now I’m wondering if she has some sort of alter that “makes” or “possesses” her to do some of the things she’s done. IDK, maybe she’s not fully aware of her behavior and that’s why she’s denied things when confronted that are so blatantly obvious. Kim, herself once mentioned having alters, but that could be just an excuse she used to hide behind. But that’s not the point. The point is that she’s lied to me, she’s lied to others, and now she’s turned as vicious as a pit pull on a rampage. That was enough for me to turn her loose, though she beat me to it on Facebook. I deleted her on other sites and am ignoring the nasty “questions” she’s hitting me with on Ask that are so obviously from her based on the context of what she’s saying, her writing, and the fact that I had just confronted her there. She responded with answers full of lies and nastiness before she deleted them and she’s deactivated the account twice ever since. As someone else said, she reacts by deleting accounts and starting anew when confronted with one of her scams and schemes.

I always knew Kim was a little “off” by the way she’d write, the things she would say, and her obsession with celebrities that she often takes a little too far. Liking a celebrity is one thing and so is setting up a site on their behalf, but actually being them and claiming to be them even when someone would ask if she was really Bill Daily, Barbara Eden or Ted Wass, was another thing. Role-playing and pretending aren’t for everyone, but it’s fine for those who admit up front that they’re just playing a game.

But my friend and I clearly watched her deny her true identity on Twitter even though we knew damn well it was her. Not just by the things she’d say and her writing style but because she had all her other celebrity accounts, as well as one of her own where she’s actually herself for once, connected. She also had the Ted Wass account protected and would block those she knew who requested to get in. What celebrity would have a protected account? So I created a bogus account and asked to be added. I was added within a half hour and I “called her out” on who she really was. She reacted as she usually does which means she denied it and immediately canceled the accounts. In no time at all, though, she’d created new ones and picked up her game from there, mostly during times she was supposedly at work as a “helper.” Yeah, that’s another thing right there. We wonder if she really does have a job. Oh, I’m sure she helps her mother and things like that whom she has always lived with. But two of her three siblings are on disability and in group homes, including her. In light of all that’s transpired recently, I’d say it’s pretty safe to say she’s probably getting the same kind of disability Molly’s getting and will probably never have a real job that she obtains on her own or a place of her own. It is possible, though, that she has some low-paying part-time job provided by the state for people like her with disabilities. Sort of like what Fran had.

Instead of owning up to the Ted thing and admitting that she was just having fun, she’s blamed various people ever since. First it was Molly and Sarah, then someone who works for Ted, and after I confronted her on Ask this morning it was me who was the Ted Wass impersonator. Brilliant, huh? LOL Then she said that was “not what she meant” in another round of questions to me, after deleting that lovely accusation from her own wall.

Others suspected she was anonymously asking mean and sometimes dirty questions on Ask figuring we’d suspect Molly or just some random joker. Maybe some of them were, but we noticed that we were getting these questions at the same time she was asking/answering questions of her own. It wasn’t just the questions, but the type of questions and the way they were written. Kim’s got the intelligence of a small child and simply isn’t smart enough to change her style to throw people off her scent.

Anyway, the wake-up call where she’s concerned came with this morning’s round of questions and the way she reacted and deactivated. Why would she do this to me? I have always been very kind to Kim. But it was enough for me to know I don’t want to bother with her anymore. If you can’t trust someone, what’s the point? I just hope she won’t become a second Molly and that I won’t have to deal with both of them harassing me on and off. We were even wondering if she was impersonating Molly of all people. Nothing would surprise me where Kim is concerned now that she’s exposed her true colors to me. The Kim I thought I knew no longer exists. It’s truly eerie watching Kim as I’ve always known her to be suddenly become this whole different person. It’d be like Tom suddenly dressing in leather jackets with snakeskin boots, riding motorcycles and smoking cigars while swearing like a truck driver and blasting metal music!

It isn’t just the blatant lies and the games she plays but the selfishness and lack of empathy as well. She’s just not very supportive. When friends reach out to her for support during tough times, she wants to discuss the weather. This makes people think she’s in her own little world and she just doesn’t care about others.

I went to delete her on Facebook but she beat me to it. I shut her out on other sites, though. She’s texting Aly about it right now. She always goes crying on her shoulder when she has problems online. She’s coming clean about the Ted thing but I’m afraid the damage has already been done and that it’s too late. The trust has been destroyed and there’s nothing to say she won’t do the same thing again or be right back to insisting Ted was really me or someone working for him come tomorrow. Then there are the “questions” I’ve been getting as well. A few as a joke is fine, but every day?

Did something happen in her life to make her this way? Was she just born this way? I don’t know and I don’t care at this point. There are better people to focus my energies on that are a lot more honest and a lot more with it. I don’t hate Kim or wish her any harm, but I hope that if she reads this she’ll respect my wishes and just get on with her life without being a pest.

Later...

Andy sent me a very nice and very appreciated apology this morning in an email saying it hit him like a bell in the night that I really do have the sleep disorder I have. He said that after he read about it recently (though I thought I had mailed him a link about it months ago), he said he realized he’s sort of suffered the same thing all his life. He apologized for tormenting me about it both in public and in private and can see where I’d hate having a fucked up schedule and couldn’t just work outside of the house. (I’d drop dead of exhaustion in less than a month, that’s for sure). He admitted he thought I was just being lazy and didn’t want to work, but is very sorry for not believing me. Oh, believe me, if I didn’t want to do something, I’d just say so. Or say nothing at all if I didn’t want to come clean about whatever. Hell, I don’t want to diet! But it’s either struggle with the hunger dieting brings or gain 5-10 pounds a month for life.

I told him not to hesitate to mention it to his doctor and maybe get his own melatonin levels tested if he notices himself having a harder time keeping a schedule.

Even I didn’t understand this thing at first and I assumed I’d just gotten into a “bad habit” and that if I just made myself get into bed at a certain time and set the alarm for a certain time it would become like second nature like with most everyone else in the world. But as I would learn the hard way it was much easier said than done. But you bet I’d be “normal” if I could. I’d go to bed at 11pm every night and get up around 7am.

This particular disorder wasn’t recognized till 1999, but they cut off my benefits in 1994 when I got married. Still don’t think I can get my benefits reinstated, but I’m going to try. It wasn’t till our last year in Oregon that we learned more about it. Tom came into the room and told me he found my sleep disorder. We didn’t even know it had a name. He was looking up something else when he accidentally came across it. It was supposedly discovered in blind people. http://www.sleepassociation.org/index.php?p=non24hour

I see it as not only a definite curse from God but the biggest. My mother’s abuse eventually ended. We finally escaped the freeloaders that tormented us in Arizona. We eventually climbed out of poverty. But I will never escape this one until and if they can come up with a cure for it. For now, all we can do is delay the “roll” with melatonin supplements say if I’ve got appointments coming up. But that’s about the best we can do for those of us in the more advanced stages of this sort of thing. Why God would sic this on me is beyond me. My only guess is to help keep us poor so much of the time for with this thing I cannot double our income, something I would do in a heartbeat if I could, even though I’m sure I would both like and not like an outside job. Hey, everything’s got its pros and cons.

Anyway, I have what I have and it’s all the more reason I’m determined to be a good housewife and take real good care of the cleaning, laundry and earn what I can online and things like that; because I’m limited as to what I can do and Tom is the one that has to support us both. I am VERY lucky to have a guy like him. All the beautiful women in the world could never get me to leave this guy. I could see myself hanky pankying with a woman on the side, but I couldn’t imagine leaving Tom no matter what they promised me, and no matter how rich or beautiful they may be. Tom has NEVER complained. He has always accepted me as I was/am, strengths and weaknesses and all.

Later...

Can’t get online right now as I write this up in Word. I can’t wait to get out of here and back with a cable connection! Meanwhile, if there’s service later on, I’ll post this at that time. We’ve been wondering if the signal from our homemade thermostat has been interfering with our connection because it’s only happening during the hours the cooler’s running.

The last few days have been warm and quiet. I expected barking in the morning and engines gunning in the afternoon, but it was dead quiet the last two days. Today, though, I did get a few barks and he’s already been in and out twice on the motorcycle.

I was just sitting here thinking about how good things have been for us these last 8 months and you know what the sucky side of it all is? Knowing it could all fall apart on us anytime. If there really is something up there, it’s proven beyond a doubt that it loves to tear us down. Too many bad things have happened to me to call it just a case of “bad luck.” The pattern is clear. If there is a good God it could see to it that Tom keeps this job till he retires and helps us help ourselves by sparing us financial disaster provided that we’re smart with our money from here on out. But we can only do our part. We can’t make anyone or anything else do its part. I still don’t think there’s anything good up there for the most part. Instead of seeing to it that we don’t suffer in ways that we have in the past, our not-so-good God is probably going to see to it that some spiteful person with more authority than he has enters the picture at some point and gets him fired, or the economy goes bad again and he gets laid off. I just hope we have a ton of money saved by the time this happens!

Aly says that while she agrees that Kim’s done some pretty mean and crazy shit online and may have MPD, she’s going to hang onto her for now cuz she has no one else to talk to. Wow, she’s got more compassion than I do. Until she gets as fed up as she did with Molly and no longer cares. Maybe then Kim will realize that had she not done the things she’s done just maybe she wouldn’t have lost her friends.

Again, I’m really surprised and disappointed in Kim. I’ve never done anything to her, and we’ve never gotten into an argument of any kind, so I totally don’t get why she would turn on me. Then again, the crazy have no sense of logic, do they? There’s nothing logical behind their actions at all, so trying to make sense of why she’d be so mean to someone who’s always been kind to her would be a waste of time.

Tammy still denies ever calling the cops on me 12 years ago and I still don’t believe her. She may not have been the one to make the call, but she gave her ex enough info to give to those cops. He couldn’t have said, “Her name is Jodi and she lives somewhere in Arizona.” Either he gave the cops my full name and the Phoenix address or he started calling people in the area with my last name till he reached his family and they were dumb enough to give him our PO box address. I’ve run the possibilities through my mind a million times and those are the only two things that could’ve happened.

Oh, and her response to why she would defend scum like him was that she did what she thought was best for Sarah and Rebecca at the time, the two kids he fathered. Ok, so I know I’m not supposed to judge others and all that, but you mean keeping a guy around that abuses you and your oldest kid is what’s “best” for your youngest two kids???

When I asked about the “I did it once, I can do it again” thing she hit me with on the old diary site as far as getting me thrown in jail, she said that she said it out of anger because she was “hurt” that I would turn on her. And of course “turning on her” means voicing my suspicions that were much more than just suspicions. Tammy has been known to be attracted to and to defend abusive men ever since she first started dating.

I’m at a loss as to what to do about my sister, the one I sometimes refer to as the DQ – drama queen. She says she not only didn’t delete me (LOL) but she still swears she didn’t call the pigs on me back in 2000 regarding her abusive ex and his serious anger issues. sighs Ok, I acknowledge that Facebook can be glitchy and that the cock could’ve sent the pigs to our old house in Phoenix right after we moved, gotten our PO box from the new owners, and traced it to our physical address. But how did the cock know where to send them in Phoenix??? He and the DQ were long since separated by then. What would he have in his possession wherever he moved to that would’ve had our address on it??? Someone pointed him in the right direction.

And why the letter to Tom threatening me with legal action for threatening this guy who was supposed to have abused her and Lisa??? Who the hell reacts that way and defends scum like that that’s in their right mind??? I wasn’t the perp, Bill was! The only thing I did that I shouldn’t have was threaten to go kick the guy’s ass for his abuse, but as the cop said before he dismissed the hysterical bitch altogether, he’d have been just as pissed.

What they did both directly and indirectly while I was in Arizona was so huge that it’s overridden the good memories I have of when I was there, and anytime I just think of the place I practically want to throw up. Like watching a rape scene isn’t a thrilling reminder for a rape victim, anytime I think Arizona, I think them…the welfare bums, the corrupt pig pal, the fucked up system.

I once felt sorry for my nieces for they are surely the way they are because of guess who. But when two of them became rude, threatening and downright crazy to me online it had a way of putting a damper on that pity because by then they were grown adults who should’ve known right from wrong. Since then I have avoided them and I don’t regret it. Like Molly would try to get me involved in her disputes and problems with others and try to get me to do this and to do that, that’s how the DQ’s brood is, too. Before you know it you’re drowning in a whirlpool of drama that makes your head spin in a way that will drive you just as crazy as this defunct bunch of assholes do. The stress they have put on me and gladly would again, given the chance, would be insane. Therefore I have wished them well through Tammy but kept a safe distance. As I’ve said before, sometimes you gotta pull back and look at people as people and not just sisters, nieces or whatever. Being related doesn’t make one God and it’s no ticket to abuse anyone be it physically, mentally or verbally.

Once again, pigs are only human. They need something to go on since they don’t exactly have crystal balls they can look to for answers and someone had to point them in the right direction. sighs again I don’t know what to believe as far as who called who, but as Tammy herself said, the past can never be changed or undone.

She also threw me into a real state of confusion a few summers ago when we were fighting online and she was sending nasty messages to the diary site. When she was pissed at me for bashing her in my journal and threatening to get me in jail for it, even though I hadn’t technically broken any slander laws since her last name was never mentioned and nothing I said caused her to suffer any financial loss, she had said, “I did it once, I can do it again.”

Was this a confession of sorts? Did she “slip?” Or did she just say this in the heat of the moment when she was pissed? I asked her this directly in a PM, but sometimes I still wonder if we’re better off ignoring each other. We all say mean or crazy shit when we’re pissed, but we’re just too damn different.

I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. As I admitted before, I was just playing nicey-nicey for Mom’s sake and in case there are even a few grand that may be left to us. If I don’t keep in touch, how is any lawyer in charge of executing any will going to know how to contact me when mom dies?

Chances are nothing will be left to us be it because Tammy either found a way to keep it all for herself or mom ran out of money. Therefore, I’m not going to worry about hanging onto Tammy if we just can’t see eye to eye. Some things just aren’t worth the effort, and sometimes one has to live for themselves and do what’s best for them. Not their friends or family. And no, I don’t care if this starts the same kind of controversy me being dumb enough to mention sleep disorders brought on. So yeah, anymore shit from Tammy and I’m gone.

Her story changed too, as far as mom’s money goes. This time she kept it simple. She said she and her husband have all they need unless it’s in mom’s wishes for her to get whatever. “It’s her decision. It’s her money.”

So we’ve gone from “Give Jodi what you want” to “It’s mom’s decision?” And why has she ignored me till yesterday? I asked for an update on Mom’s condition and life in general. I haven’t heard a thing. Again, is she being secretive for some reason? Either way, I’m surprised she hasn’t been to my blog that I know of.

For once Molly’s done us some good by being our fall guy for when Aly and I “confront” Kim anonymously on Ask. She automatically thinks it’s Molly.

Later...

I will try to post this on MO, if not on Thoughts. I am sooo sick of the regular tech issues! MO has been worse than Thoughts lately. It’s not just sluggish so much of the time but I can’t even access the damn site! Why can’t sites just RUN??? Just fucking FUNCTION!!! Really, what is the big deal??? Why is it so damn hard for people to keep their sites running smoothly? This should be a very simple and straightforward thing. Computers are very simple. Everything is either 0 or 1, on or off. There’s nothing complex about them. So then what’s the fucking problem???

Evil Amongst the Evergreens sold another copy in the U.S. I don’t get why this book sells more than A Rainbow in Munich when A Rainbow in Munich not only has a nicer cover, but the story’s better, too. shrugs I guess that’s a matter of opinion.

We had another frog in here the other day but it was easy to catch and take outside. I guess they’re having a problem this year due to the lack of rain we had over the winter.

I’ve wanted to see the movie 2012 for some time now and finally saw it on one of those free sites that run movies and TV shows. It wasn’t that great at all. Some of the special effects were ok although a bit phony, but overall it was slow and dull. I’m not big on sci-fi or action movies to begin with. But I seem to be getting big on TV, something I haven’t been into much since the 90s. I don’t care for most reality shows unless they deal with forensics, crime or science since to me TV isn’t “reality” and it never should be. Not as much as it is these days anyway. But I’ve been watching shows like Manhunters: Fugitive Task Force and Law & Order. Tom says Bones is a really good series, so maybe I’ll check that out sometime, too.

Later...

Sometimes I hate my body. But not just for its appearance so much as for what I can’t get it to do. Why can’t I will my body to do what I want it to do?! It seems so many people can will their bodies to do this or to do that, but mine is nothing but a stubborn, unrelenting wimp.

I was hungry from the moment I got up. I knew it was going to be one of those hungry days. Sure enough, I kept eating but I always felt the same – like there was nothing sitting in my tummy. It took hundreds of calories to finally fill me up. I willed myself to puke it up, but no matter how hard I try I simply cannot bring it back up. :( If you stick your finger down your throat you’re supposed to puke, right? Aber warum nicht Ich Kotzen?! Why can’t I puke? All I do is gag instead. It’s like something up there won’t let me do it. It’s not like I want to make a regular habit of it. I’m not stupid. I know stomach acid isn’t good for the throat. I only want to do it on days I have a harder time controlling myself. But try as I will, I just can’t bring the damn shit I eat back up! beats head

Why can’t I just learn to live with the hunger so I could stand to have the 1000-1200 calories a day it would take for me to get more weight off??? I can do it some days but not every day. I swear I have no control whatsoever over my own body! I can’t get it to sleep when I want it to. I can’t get it to puke up those extra calories. I can’t get it to deal with hunger. Hunger is just a feeling. It doesn’t hurt. It can’t make me unhealthy. It’s just a lousy feeling! So why can’t I just accept it as being a part of weight loss and just deal with it???

MO is now as sluggish as Thoughts was. Why can’t sites just WORK? Just fucking FUNCTION!

For the longest time, I toyed with the idea of deleting my sister and ceasing all communications with her but will admit that I had kept in contact for my mom’s sake. But still… I was torn between doing for me and doing for a woman who was never the greatest mom to begin with. Well, tonight she helped me make up my mind.

One of the things Tammy has always loved to tell people she’s pissed at is that they will never change. She’s right. When it comes to exercising caution with those who have caused me a helluva lot more grief than split wine on our carpet could ever cause, she’s damn right I haven’t changed. But it’s not just that I worry about this person who has had no qualms whatsoever in admitting she’s no saint when pissed and how vindictive she can be, it’s that I just didn’t “feel right” about being in touch with her. Sometimes what once was can never be again, and since around 1999 or so we simply haven’t been “sisters.” Instead, we’re two totally different people with two totally different lives, interests, goals and dreams living on opposite sides of the country.

When I expressed my concerns to Tom, who also worried about getting too close to the drama queen, but was at least ok with keeping a “friendly” distance, he pointed out that with Mom aging and becoming less dependent, it’s not like she could keep Tammy out of her business that easily.

The DQ says she doesn’t have our address, mom wrote out the envelope for the GC, she thought she was doing a nice thing, I’ll never change...goodbye.

Maybe she doesn’t yet have our address. But I can see where Tammy has every opportunity to snoop through Mom’s stuff these days, and if she doesn’t now, she will eventually. Hell, I’d be tempted to do the same thing. Not to see what info I could get to spite anyone with or anything like that but just out of sheer curiosity. You know what, though? At this point, I don’t care if she has our address. It’s only – well – an address and it’s not even our physical one. And I don’t care if she uses her brood to tell me what a horrible person I am. She’s the one that dumped me this time around but I can’t deny I feel a sense of relief. Now there’s no decision to make as far as that goes, though I’m the one who deleted her on Facebook. But the strange thing is that I was never mad at her or accusing her of anything. So why she got pissed at me simply expressing annoyance over mom sharing our address is beyond me. I don’t know if something else is going on or if she’s trying to hide something or what. Either way, it never made us any less appreciative of the GC. I told her this, too.

I also took the opportunity to tell her that while I admit I’m no lawyer and I’m not calling her a liar, what she said about the will makes no sense at all. Why would my parents be dumb enough to trust her to “give me what she wants?” Well, I don’t think they were/are. I think they would know that sometimes we’re not only not speaking to each other, but people are naturally selfish. She would keep everything for herself if it were up to her as that’s only human nature. Hell, I would do the same thing. Who the hell would share fairly with their friends or siblings if they were suddenly in possession of a 100K winning lottery ticket? Not me!

“She’s just trying to get you going,” Tom said. “A will is a legal document drawn up by a lawyer.”

He was right, I realized, and it doesn’t make sense for any lawyer to draw up a will saying: Cut oldest kid out and let middle child give youngest what it wants – WTF?

That’s another thing right there; Larry has supposedly been cut out of the will. But if that’s so then why would Tammy mention keeping him out through the courts, and why would mom and dad cut him out in the first place???

Sorry, but something smells fishy somewhere. If Tammy isn’t bullshitting me, then it sounds like someone may be bullshitting her. Another thing I don’t care about anymore, though. I get what I get and I don’t get what I don’t get. That’s up to my parents as it’s their money and not Tammy’s. I only mentioned it to point out that not much makes sense where she’s concerned. Not what she said the will says and not why she’s pissed at me now for simply being annoyed with Mom if she did indeed share the address.

Funny how I don’t hear a damn thing from her till she reads something that pisses her off be it because she either misunderstands me or I’ve come to be a shitty writer. She was probably ignoring me all this time, not wanting to let me in on what was going on. If that’s so, then that makes me all the more suspicious of what she may be trying to hide or screw me out of, but I’ve known for some time now that be it on account of Tammy or my mom going broke (with a little help from above) that we wouldn’t inherit much if anything at all. It would go against what’s in my cards. If we’re still meant to be poor most of our lives or at least not rich, then we can’t be “allowed” to get much, can we?

Yesterday was fun. Tom went to bed early so he would get up early. A little after 6:00 we set off the bombs after blowing out the heater’s pilot light. Hopefully, the next time it needs to be lit it won’t be by us. But it’s almost June and by Wednesday we’re expected to be in the 90s, so it was a good time to blow it out. And ensure us enough propane to finish out our time here. As soon as he turns 55 we’re good to go. Or at least to start seriously looking for a place. Right now we can get some ideas, but we couldn’t do much about it if we found something that looked ideal right now. No one’s gonna hold a place that long and lose that much money. So free to go or not come June 28th, we’ll probably be here till August.

Tom found a super cheap adult community where you can rent a 3-bed, 2-bath for just $700. The catch is that it’s not close to anything and would be a 65-mile drive to work.

Anyway, we ended up making 7 or 8 stops over the course of the next 3 hours, even though we only had to be out for 2. We first went to Mel’s Diner. He got a ham omelet and I got steak and eggs, which strangely enough cost about the same. The food was great, as always, but the loud mid-50s music sucked shit. Fortunately, this little kid didn’t get there till we were ready to leave. So it didn’t have time to double the audio annoyances.

We mailed my mom’s birthday card from the post office and grabbed a single sheet of forever stamps that will probably last us just that – forever. We pay all our bills online and we give Jesse the rent ourselves, so we rarely mail anything. We might have to mail our rent at the next place, though. I’m amazed at how thin the stamps are now!

We picked up our own mail at the UPS Store and I was both dismayed and delighted by something I got from my mom. Well, I noticed the writing on the envelope was a little different than usual, though my guess is that it was written out by mom though her handwriting has gotten sloppier with her age and grief. While we very much appreciate the $25 IHOP card, I thought it was a weird time to be receiving it since our anniversary isn’t till the 15th, I was worried and pissed to see that it was from Tammy. Not that I don’t appreciate the hell out of it. Hey, it’s a nice gift and we’ll be sure to enjoy every inch of it that ends up on our waistlines, but I never wanted her to have our address, physical or not. I told Mom – how many times? – to please not share our address. As Tammy herself has admitted with no qualms whatsoever, she’s no saint when pissed so I don’t like someone as vindictive as she is having the address.

But anyone who’s gotten me in jail once, even if they had no idea any more than we did that I had a warrant on me, and that cost me half a year of life, thousands of dollars and years of stress, will never again have my full forgiveness or trust. She claimed she had no idea of where we moved to when she got pissed at me for telling Bill just what I wished I could do to him for abusing her and Lisa if I weren’t so far away, and that Bill was the one that called the pigs, but she had to have given the cock enough info for the pigs to find me with to begin with. Pigs aren’t God. They need at least some info to go on when tracking someone down. They’re only human. They don’t have a crystal ball they can look into. I also suspect they called some of Tom’s relatives, but his “family” would never say so if they did.

The point is the same – I don’t trust this highly vindictive bitch. A lot of the people I’ve known forever or for a very long time – well – many aspects of their lives may’ve changed, but they haven’t.

I’m surprised I still haven’t heard from the damn drama queen and wonder if she ended up staying longer in Florida than planned. Mom said she’d be back on the 17th. Well, how busy can a person on disability with 3 grown kids possibly be?

Mom just doesn’t get it, and like most people who don’t get something, they don’t believe it. She just doesn’t get/believe how vindictive her own daughter can be, even to her own siblings, and just like the troll’s mother can’t accept that her own daughter can’t make friends because she’s a crazy stalker, my mother is too trusting of Tammy. So now this person who has helped get me in jail once and who will probably screw me out of whatever inheritance I might’ve gotten if my mother would’ve just opened her eyes and seen Tammy as Tammy and not just as her daughter, also has our address to use and abuse at will, even if it’s not our physical address. I don’t think even Tom gets the potential danger in her having our address, even if she can’t prove that I did anything wrong cuz I don’t intend to. I know the worst she could do is just cause us some headaches, but if we decided to use our physical address at the next place and not bother with UPS Stores, I’m not giving the address out to anyone but my mother. Not even my best friends. Sorry, but past experience has taught me that it’s better to be safe than sorry. I’ll give them the general area if they want to see the area by satellite, but that’s it. I wouldn’t even be giving it to my mother if I didn’t hold out the foolish hope that someday we could at least get a few grand after she dies.

I’m also going to be careful about what numbers I share as well. A few years ago someone got ahold of one of our cell numbers and we got slammed with prank calls. Of course they called from a blocked number while they were at it. Well, we had to pay a fortune in minutes to go through and keep deleting all the hang-up messages they’d leave us, thus costing us a ton of money during a time when we couldn’t afford to spare a single penny. The extremity of it makes me think it could’ve been someone who once knew us. Maybe we still do. IDK for sure, it could’ve been totally random for all I know. All I do know is that with today’s technology, one has to work even harder to protect themselves. There is a number of things that could be done with someone’s address; probably even things I don’t even realize. People can’t simply ignore those they have a problem with. Instead, they have to spite them in any way possible and do everything they can to get their attention. Again, people’s lives change, but do they? Ok, so a few people may change a lot over the years and I consider myself to be one of those few. Several people have pointed out how different I am from the younger me in personality and as far as hobbies and interests go. But most people don’t seem to change much at all. I still have some of the same interests I had years ago, but many of the people and events that I’ve known and experienced in my past would be handled and treated very differently had I known these people today and experienced the same things today, like that deaf girl Cecelia I recently mentioned in my journal. The cock that might’ve shoved me 25 years ago would get the beating of his life today. The person who pisses me off one too many times on or offline that might’ve gotten prank calls, prank letters and God knows what from me in the past would get ignored these days. Those who might’ve been able to bring me to tears by calling me fat, ugly, stupid or whatever in the past only get laughed at today. My temper and my crazy laugh haven’t changed much, but most things have, be it because of all I’ve gone through or just because. But when dealing with others I know I have to consider the fact that more than likely they’re the same people they were 20 years ago. Well, Tammy falls within these so-called norms.

Right now it’s PayPal we’re more worried about because if anything’s going to screw up our credit it’s them. No matter how many times we try to explain to them and to eBay that we were scammed, no one wants to help us. We sold a couple of dolls to someone for $75, and even though we specifically said No Refunds on our auctions, they’re trying to get the money back. More than likely it’s an inside job. Someone with a friend working for PayPal probably got them to reverse the payment, but fortunately we didn’t have any money in our account at the time so they couldn’t get the refund and therefore two free dolls. Once we were aware of what was going on and couldn’t get anyone to help us, we shut our PayPal account down. But what can we do now??? We’ve gone through all the proper channels to report the fraud, but no one cares. So now what??? Just accept that God still protects our perps and that we can never again use PayPal or eBay and be glad they didn’t get to rip us off?

Since we’re almost certainly never going to own again our credit isn’t that crucial, but this could hinder us from getting into an adult community. Rural is better than the mainstream city or attached living, but that would still leave us with people’s dogs to have to deal with if we can’t get into an adult community.

We dumped some cardboard off at a place that recycles it, and Tom ran into Home Depot to look for a better screen than the one he’s got, and heavy-duty magnets to keep the yellow jackets from coming down the cooler vent. He ended up getting some foam-like filter and had I gone in with him and not waited in the car I’d have reminded him about how the AC kept running continuously when we put those in our vents in Maricopa and stopped him from getting the stuff. It restricts the airflow too much.

I spent about $30 at Target getting unnecessary shit like Cherry Blossom body spray, a pair of boy shorts in lilac made of both spandex and lace, glitter bobby pins with hot pink feathers dangling from them, honey lip balm, and a couple of bottles of nail polish. One’s called Glass Slipper which sort of looks like crushed ice, and one’s called Iceberg Lotus in a frosty metallic type of finish you’d find on most cars that are in a bold shade of blue-green. I still have enough of my usual shades of pink, purple and red.

Anyway, I expect to be pretty busy today, so that’s it for now.

Got over 200 views yesterday on MyOpera. It’s got to be the troll. Who else would view me that obsessively?

Not much to update on other than that I awoke at 8pm with my allergies going off like crazy. Had to take a Benadryl even though I knew it would knock me out and I didn’t want to go back to sleep. But I ended up napping from 10:30 - 12:30, so I’m definitely good to go for today’s plans. We plan to bomb the place and go out to eat and pick up our mail while we have to be out of here. We might even browse some shops, though I don’t know which ones.

People have been asking when I’m going to put out more stories. Well, more than likely I’m not. I really think I’m all dried up there. It’s sort of like with the instruments and the drawing. I did it for a while and then lost interest in it. I don’t see myself ever not keeping a journal, though. But you never do know. Maybe next week I’ll get an awesome story idea and I’ll just have to put it to print.

To my surprise, it did end up raining a bit yesterday. We don’t know how much or how long since we were both asleep, but the windows were wet when I got up.

We’re having a cool spell now and have all the windows closed. We don’t even expect to need to run the cooler today, so maybe the yellow jackets will stay the hell out for the day. We’ve been finding them in the bathroom window a little too often for comfort, so it’s another reason to bomb. I had thought they were coming up from under the sink, but Tom thinks they go to the cooler for water and get blown down in here and through the vent when the cooler kicks on. It’s a downdraft unit. Tom might screen the vent.

Andy was nice enough to apologize for making what he said childish and uncalled-for cracks on his Ask page, and of course I still love him. He’s like family to me, and besides, we all say shit we shouldn’t say at times, even me.

The other morning I was expressing my frustrations to Tom – regardless of other people’s thoughts and opinions on the matter – about what a bitch it can be to live with this type of sleep disorder. I feel like so many possibilities and doors are closed to me because of it. God knows how many opportunities of God knows what kind may’ve been out there for me had I not had this damn thing. You would think other shit I went through as a kid, health-wise and financially would have been enough. I’ve been pretty healthy otherwise since I quit smoking, but if I could break an arm and a leg for a cure for this thing, I would.

The two factors that make it so damn hard to keep the same schedule for more than a few days are A, I often have trouble falling asleep after being up the usual 16 hours and am often up for 18 hours, and B, I tend to be a little more sleep needy than others. So staying up to roll it back around in just a few days would simply be too hard on me. I know there are some people that could do it and that only need 6-7 hours of sleep but I usually need 8-9 and sometimes even 10-12 depending on how long I was up and what I did. One of my exes, Kacey, worked rotating shifts, something I could never do. I’m as flexible with sleep as a 90-year-old is with their hips.

But while I bitched and complained to Tom about how much it hinders me in many ways in life he pointed out the things it also enables me to do. Like having friends on the other side of the world since I’m up half the time they’re up, and having pet rats who are nocturnal. But there’s still more bad than good in it in many ways. Besides the obvious things, there’s the fact that there's always something around to torment me no matter what “shift” I’m on. I got the bees in the daytime and the spiders at night. Most of the time I try to just accept it because some things can’t be changed any more than we can change our height or stop the sun from rising.

I was thinking of Maliheh who really put a big smile on my face when I got her message the other night. I was giggling to myself when I thought of some of the things we talked about. We both have a “fuck the world” attitude, all right, LOL. It’s amazing how much we have in common. I would LOVE to hear her play and sing someday.

It isn’t just what she does say that I like, but it’s what she doesn’t say as well. I was saying how she’d be the perfect neighbor since we both like our space and therefore wouldn’t bug each other. Yet at the same time, we’d be there to help each other in any way we needed or could, and that the door would be open for any – uhem – extra activities. Yeah, those kinds of extra activities. Nothing I would expect or have to have but that would be nice to know was a possibility. Well, even though we’ll probably never see each other again, she never came out and insisted there was no chance of that ever happening no matter what.

When Tom just told me how much money we have right now I nearly fainted. By the time we get moved, we could have more than we need, but that’s just all the more that will get thrown into savings. We’ll want to build that back up right away so that if worse came to worse and the car completely crapped out or he got laid off again, we’d have enough money for a new car and to live on till he got another job. I really hope that this will be it and that this is where he’ll be working till he retires. A tropical climate can wait if it’s going to take such good care of us financially and insurance-wise until then.

They’re talking about adding a second shift in his department, which he’s pretty sure they’d want him on. That’d be nice. He’s always preferred the second or third shift because it makes it easier if you’ve got to do something during the week during regular business hours.

A part of me wishes I could snap my fingers and make myself want to stay here in Yellowjacket Kingdom, cuz in just another month or two I could have Lasik surgery done and still have a nice savings. I was wrong in assuming it was just a grand, though. That’s only for the basics. It would really cost closer to 4K for everything – the antibiotics, the follow-up appointments, all that stuff.

Wish I could get myself to eat cheaper. Should we really be spending an average of $600 a month on groceries just because we can? I’m the main culprit in that department, though, with my expensive TV dinners. It’s just that Marie Callender is not only so yummy but that way I don’t have to cook and the calories are counted for me. Ok, so the cheaper TV dinners list calories too, and I still wouldn’t have to cook, but the food isn’t as good or as filling.

I can’t wait to see how long it takes Jesse (assuming they list this place on Craigslist again) to turn the place back out and if he ups the rent. Tom doesn’t see how he can, based on the ad he just saw. He said the place was a dump but they were only charging $900 for this 2-bed/2-bath on a few unshared acres.

I can tell I’m starting to retain that monthly water build-up because my bra’s tight again. So many women would kill for these 40Cs that are high and firm yet I wish they would just fall right off my chest forever! Guys would dig them, but I wonder what the average lesbian would think? It’s not like I’ve been to gay bars in years. I would think they’d like the older me better than the me of 20 years ago since my hair is shorter, I don’t wear much makeup these days, and I don’t dress as flashy as I used to. But I’m still short, I’m still feminine, and I would think these curves and hooters wouldn’t stand much of a chance.

The “wood chopping” exercise I’ve been doing has really helped to narrow my waist down nicely. But these hips are still clinging for dear life and so that hourglass shape isn’t going anywhere too soon.

Water, curves and all, I’m having a very hungry day today. Nothing I eat seems to satisfy me for long. I just want to eat till I puke. Sure did in my dreams last night. I guess us talking about and enrolling in medical insurance and all that caused this, LOL. So not only did Tom have back surgery in his dreams, but I got to have funky periods, puke my guts out, and wake up to find that I’d been knocked up with a litter of 15 embryos. I think there was something wrong with my oversized hooters too, the envy of Estrella Jail’s shower room in 2000.

Later...

I couldn’t find anything that would give me a clearer idea of what the average down payment would be on a house in an adult community, as Tom is better with research like I’m better with languages. But while houses are usually a little cheaper to rent there, they also cost more to buy. So even if someone suddenly handed us a down payment for a house in one of these communities, I would think the mortgage payments would be a nightmare. I don’t want to go back to having the place we live in suck every last dime out of us. Just because I’m not the shopaholic I used to be doesn’t mean I don’t want to be able to save.

I wish it wasn’t all or nothing and that neighborhoods weren’t so black and white. You either have your anything-goes neighborhoods or your adult communities. That’s fine to have, but what about college neighborhoods? What about families? What about couples? What about welfare bums so that they can’t be free to disrupt hard-working neighbors whose tax dollars allow them to sit on their asses? Yes, some people truly need help, but I still think most of them are lazy.

While owning has its pros and cons same as renting, I still don’t see us ever owning again. We could if we were willing to stay here another year or two to save for a place in the mainstream and go back to living just a few feet away from every horrible kind of neighbor possible. And their barking dogs that are never allowed indoors.

What sucks is that having that extra bathroom I’d like to have seems to jack up the rent significantly. I don’t know why an additional half-bath has to add $100 or more to the rent, but according to Tom’s research, it sure seems to. Since I’ll admit that while it’s annoying to wake up having to pee when Tom’s in the shower, my bladder has never burst from having to wait till he was done. Never once have I parked my tushy on the toilet for a dump when he’s knocked on the door needing to go, not that his wife would be as kind and as patient and not just laugh and tell him to buzz off and go aim for one of Jesse’s Cali oaks. Either way, I’ve never wet my pants yet, so if I had to choose between 1 bathroom in a nicer adult community vs. 2 in a rural dump where we’d still get slammed with barking and loud vehicles even if we had the property to ourselves, I’d take the nicer place with just one shit hole in the 55+ place. Besides, I still want to experience living there to see what it’s like. If it’s just as noisy as a regular neighborhood or there are other unforeseen problems like pesky neighbors or something like that, then why buy a place there? It’s a lot easier to move from a rental if you’re unhappy where you are. I’d rather neighbors come to the door to pester me with local gossip and tea parties than leave their dogs outside and let unruly kids tear through the neighborhood, but still…you can hear different stories told by different people, but you can only experience it yourself by actually doing it.

There are so many different possibilities to ponder! Not as many as there would be if we were rich, but a helluva lot more than there were less than a year ago. Sure I like the idea of owning so that we’re the boss of what happens when (unless it’s urgent), but I do not like the thought of staying cramped in here with the Jes pest, his mutts, and kid another year or two while we get together a down payment, and I don’t like the idea of having to fix things that break. If we continue renting, the landlord has to fix things and then other things we might want to get/do won’t be delayed. It could be years before I have Lasik as a renter, but it would be centuries as an owner. If for some reason we couldn’t get into an adult community, then I might be tempted to save to buy a place. Same with if we do get into one and don’t like it there for some reason like if the landlord is just as much or even worse of a pest with the dropping by unannounced. Usually, they don’t come around unless you call them for some reason. That’s why I would prefer not to live with them. Live with them and they’ll come around to tell you they farted.

Later...

Amazingly my MO blog got over 100 views starting from real early yesterday morning and it’s still climbing fast. My first thought was the troll since most people only make a couple of page views per visit with some being between 10-20. Besides, I don’t even have 100 entries there right now. But if she’s the one that’s been sitting there clicking away these last 18 hours, then why hasn’t she shown up on my Thoughts tracker and why hasn’t she bothered me on Ask? All in all, it’s probably just a glitch in the counter or an unusual surge in visitors. Maybe I made Member of the Week and don’t even know it. Adonis thinks I should, LOL. Or maybe I’ve got a new fan who likes my blog so much that they’re checking so often in anticipation of my next Pulitzer-winning post, LOL.

Anyway, I do different well. I really realized this after I was chatting with Tom about various people we know and how some handle those who are different well while others tend to be more ignorant and non-accepting of those who are different and don’t seem to realize they’re a little more than just “opinionated.” Before I go any further, though, I’m not referring to any one person in particular; I’m talking about those I’ve known in general.

I thought about it and there are really only 3 groups of people I can’t tolerate. Religious freaks, those in the Middle East who love to terrorize women and other countries, and those who use their race against others and whine and complain despite having EVERYTHING the rest of us have and so much more. I guess some people will still complain no matter how much you give them, just like no matter how many inches I may lose I’ll still complain about being fat.

Sure, there are some individual personality traits I don’t care for – those that lie, make false promises, lead you on, can’t take you for face value, act like they know you better than they do, act like they know it all, act like hypocrites, contradict themselves, try to change and control you – but I think I’m definitely more open to a diverse bunch of friends online even though I’m not as sociable as most people are when it comes to meeting people in person. That’s mostly because I’m not out much in order to meet people to socialize with in the first place, and still do like my personal space.

To each their own and not that I’m perfect but I don’t expect others to be good with languages simply because I am and I don’t pick on them for being able to will their bodies to do some amazing things just because I’m not very good at that myself. Sure wish I could will this head of mine to sprout a foot or so of hair! I definitely don’t like how the last cut came out.

I can see why some of my friends don’t have a lot of friends not just because they’re busy but also because they just don’t do different very well, especially if it’s something they can’t relate to, have never heard of, or don’t understand. I’m not condemning them – hey, I don’t do noisy neighbors very well at all and I have zero tolerance for barking dogs – but I see that that’s the way some people are. I like to learn new things and new ways of life, even if it may not be something I’m interested in for myself. I know and accept that just because I don’t understand how something could be possible, doesn’t mean it still can’t exist. I won’t push you to learn Spanish when you really want to learn Chinese just because I think Spanish is prettier. And just because someone may tell me something that sounds strange, doesn’t mean they’re deceiving themselves or me and are trying to hide some truth they don’t want to make known. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to participate in a threesome, but that doesn’t mean I’ll avoid you or pick on you for it. Not every bisexual person fears people’s reactions to being exposed for “really” being just gay and is therefore hiding behind a label they call bisexual. People really can be attracted to both genders, just usually one more than the other. Nane’s attracted to men more often. I’m attracted to women more often. Doesn’t mean I’m gay or she’s straight, does it? But like it or not we do tend to live in a very black-and-white world. It’s easier for most people not to have so many gray areas to sort through.

While it’s sometimes frustrating, I always try to accept that we all have different physical limits as well. Andy’s amazing in that he can will himself to pull all-nighters for his canning expeditions. I could never do that. But rather than beat myself up for it even if I may sometimes like to, or put up with those who might want to call me “lazy” because I can’t always do everything they can or that they think I should be able to do (like conquer my driving phobia) I let me be me and accept that I am who I am, period. Just because I lack in strength in some areas doesn’t mean I lack strength in all areas.

I try to do what I want to do in life be it physically, mentally or anything else. But if after giving it a reasonable amount of tries I should fail to succeed, I then try to focus on what I can do. Sometimes – and I admit this – I spend too much time focusing on what I don’t have and what I can’t do, thus missing out on enjoying what I can do and what I do have. So no, I’m not Wonder Woman. And no, I’m probably not a carbon copy of whoever you are that’s reading this. But I am me.

Despite my wide tolerance range for those of many cultures, countries, languages and lifestyles, that doesn’t mean I have an endless supply of tolerance for ignorance and those more interested in living my life for me than their own life. Just like no one is obligated to remain in my life, I’m not obligated to remain in theirs. Just thought I’d point that out and remind people that some people will only take so much before they may be lost and gone forever. We all have our limits as to how many times we’re willing to play kiss and makeup. A few folks (probably not who you think) are skating on thin ice with me right now. Any more shit from them and that ice just might break and they just might fall through and I’m not gonna be around to rescue them.

Some people will forgive the same people over and over forever and not just because they lack self-respect but because they actually like to fight. They like to keep pissing the same people off and going round and round in circles with them. They instigate a fight and then apologize for it so they can do it again. Well, I’m not one of them any more than I’m one who loves to go out bowling on weekends. Just because you may like to fight about stupid shit doesn’t mean I do, too.

No one should have to have friends they feel they can’t trust or who are so different from them that it makes them uncomfortable. They deserve better than that. So if I don’t meet your expectations for whatever reason, feel free to find someone who does. Just didn’t want anyone to think my door was locked. It’s always open for the decent, honest and accepting people to walk through, and it’s always open for the losers to walk out of.

Jesse’s kid didn’t go careening through here on the dirt bike yesterday, fortunately. I swear I wanted to string a wire across the drive so that when the little punk came tearing around the bend just past the fork it would go flying down the hill headfirst!

Chatted with Maliheh, who just might be one of the best buddies I’ll ever have, as much as I would have laughed had someone told me years ago that I would one day say that. But just like Alison, she has always accepted everything about me as a whole. Parts of me are never doubted or ridiculed in any way.

She actually wanted to rant about a friendship that she ended for being too one-sided and to also tell me she loved what I said in my journal about how no one could punish me for telling it like it is.

A neighbor recently told her that no one in the neighborhood likes her and she told them she doesn’t give a shit. LOL, I can see why they wouldn’t like her, though. Anyone who wants to live in peace and quiet is automatically hated. People want to be free to be rude and inconsiderate toward their neighbors be it with their dogs, their music, their kids – anything they want – without anyone complaining about it.

Speaking of those that just can’t accept my own goddamn medical problems, I thought about it and even if I give myself the simplest of “jobs,” a lie like that could still be a bit complex, and well, I was never a very good liar to begin with. I’ve always found it much easier to just stick to the truth no matter how unbelievable or boring it may seem. BUT… it’s too late for this stupid idiot to go back and undo mentioning my sleep disorder. Yeah, I could really kick myself for that one. I admit it. I should’ve figured some people would not only not get it but give me grief about it, too. That’s just the thing, though. I can see this coming from strangers or acquaintances, but Andy? Andy?!

It’s sad but true that those we’d think would understand and support us the most are actually the last ones to do so more often than not. This registered sex offender has defended the blacks and made me seem like the villain when he himself says he’s been railroaded by the law after being picked on without provocation. Before identifying himself on Formspring he taunted me for my weight despite having 100 pounds on me. And now he calls me an “excuse queen” even though he has a sleep disorder too (sleep apnea). How is it this guy’s become such a hypocrite and so damn ignorant???

He claims his not believing I have a sleep disorder doesn’t mean he’s calling me a liar. It’s simply his opinion, he says. Having an opinion would be fine, it’s when he gets insulting and accusatory that’s not fine. He’s basing his “opinion” on the me of 25 years ago and he’s comparing my type of sleep disorder to his own. That’s like comparing breast cancer to skin cancer!

I realize just how untrue of a friend he really is. Oh, he’s a great friend online when he isn’t offending me with some ignorant BS, but if we were starving on the streets in his city I KNOW he wouldn’t help us. He’s nobody’s caretaker, he once told me. Well, neither am I. It’s why I never had kids. But I could never leave a friend in need hungry on the streets! Really, it’s ok to be selfish. We all are in many ways. But so selfish you’d stand by and let someone you call a friend suffer or even die?

Back to the “job” thing - I’m gonna tell just him I got it diagnosed and was recommended disability rather than tell everyone I got a job. Then maybe I can enjoy our online “friendship” without any BS mixed in. Also, if I develop any problems in the future, I’m not going to tell anyone about them. I could tell Aly and Maliheh but not Andy.

In truth, I don’t qualify for disability in this day and age cuz I didn’t work long enough and it would be a different kind of disability than the one I was on before. Also, fair or not, being married pretty much stamps out any chance to get them reinstated. Therefore, there’s no reason to get it officially diagnosed. I know I’ve got this problem. It’s as obvious as periods are periods. It’s never going to change no matter what people’s “opinions” on the matter are. I also don’t owe anyone any further explanation. Like I said, I never should’ve mentioned it to begin with.

I hope they’re right in saying that time has no meaning in the afterlife and that there’s no sense of time, cuz if that’s true, then neither do schedules.

Even Maliheh said I’ve put up with more from Andy than she ever would, and asked why. I guess I just felt bad after dumping him as I did, and well, there is more good in him than bad and I know that no one’s perfect. We still do have a lot of laughs together and I know he wouldn’t dump me no matter how irritating I got.

I have GREAT news about the benefits, but first I want to go work out and shower. I’ll just say that another reason to look forward to bombing this weekend is that again there was a yellow jacket waiting to pee with me when I got up today (now yesterday). I really think they’re coming up from under the sink.

Later...

It’ll take a month or so, but in about 30 days we will be insured for the first time in nearly a decade! I still can’t believe how much our lives have changed in less than a year! We went from no income and one foot in the grave to great money that became permanent and now great insurance, too! Wow. Just wow. Bye-bye, toothaches and maybe even bye-bye glasses if I can ever get up the nerve to have Lasik surgery. It would cost us a grand, though. I saw a video on the procedure and while the patient only described feeling dryness and pressure, she didn’t seem to be in any pain as disgusting as the video was. Really, it was totally gross to watch! I had no idea they sliced the top of the eyeball off with a “can opener” and then stuck it back on. It’s amazing it never falls back off! So I’m not sure I have the balls to do this to myself but a half hour or so of torture for a lifetime of vision might be worth it. It’s a low priority right now. First thing is getting my ear and teeth - but especially my teeth - dealt with.

There are so many details about the insurance thing, so I’ll just try to remember as many as I can, especially the basics. Ok, the medical plan that we chose is $88 a month. Considering he had to pay around $40 a week just for him up in Oregon, that’s pretty damn good. Dental is $56 a month and vision is $15 a month. We’re not going to enroll in the vision plan till October (every October is when you can change/adjust plans) because we want to focus on the move first.

We went online and chose and enrolled in the plans we decided on. We provide our SS numbers so they can connect us with Teleplan, the company he works for. The new laws have been implemented in these insurance plans and now so many things are free that once required a copay. Now we would only need to pay $25 for something like a therapist and $35 to see a specialist. Things like exams, pap smears, mammograms, x-rays, blood tests and quite a bit more are free. The dental pays 80% so if I needed the grand or so in dental work I probably need, we only pay $100. I don’t know if my teeth are worth salvaging, but I’ll find out, and that will tell me if the pain I’ve had on and off for too damn long is on account of my teeth or my ear. No need to see an ear specialist if it’s the teeth. The nerves run so closely together that it’s easy to think tooth pain is ear pain. I’m excited at the thought of finding out which one it is and dealing with it once and for all, though I’m suspecting my teeth at this point. For so many years they’ve bothered me. It started in 2004.

I know I should go for regular female exams, but I probably won’t unless I have a problem. Some would say it’s silly not to, especially being DES-exposed in the womb and with a higher risk of cervical cancer, but oh well. I’ll take my chances.

They’ll also pay him $25 to get regular physicals as part of their aim to encourage people to stay healthy. They even have activities they pay employees to participate in.

The reason we chose the $88 plan instead of the one that cost a few hundred is that the more expensive one provides hospital coverage. Well, neither of us expects to have to spend any time in the hospital, so even though we could afford it, we saw no point in getting it.

Also, the 401K is fully vested beginning in September.

In case I didn’t mention it, I did a final warrant check on myself a few days ago. Unless I’m missing something or something’s been issued in California, which I don’t see possible, that makes 3 times the black bitch tried to seek legal vengeance upon me and twice that she’s failed. Because there’s no warrant, this heightens my suspicions that “Juan D” wasn’t really a cop, but she and her buddies instead. The black pig was probably in on it since two of the email addresses that received the message I got were his. Where they really fooled me was that they knew several email addresses I had or had in the past. Yet anybody willing to pay a small fee could always get that info from a site like Intelius or something. I still don’t doubt she went to the black pig or some other pig that was actually a real pig and at least tried to screw me. But any legit pig would’ve told her she had no case on me and why.

I was sitting here – and I don’t care who has a problem with this – thinking of how much I can’t stand men in general. Yeah, call me sexist or whatever, but it’s true. Fucking cocks are responsible for 95% of life’s problems. At least in my opinion, they are, but it’s ok to agree to disagree. It isn’t someone disagreeing with me I have a problem with, it’s when someone tries to cram their beliefs down my throat and get me to live by them that I draw the line. Not saying anyone’s doing that, I’m just saying I don’t try to control or judge others for how they live, think, and believe and I expect the same respect in return.

Now back to the male-bashing. Even as kids they tend to be worse. If this damn kid of Jesse’s was a girl I doubt it would be zipping around on the fucking dirt bike like it has been. But this is why I want out of the mainstream. In the mainstream, if you’re not dealing with your own kids, you’re dealing with someone else’s.

Obviously, there are a few good ones out there who are the exception but with all the shit they cause it’s no wonder so many girlfriends and wives are getting fed up and beating the crap out of them. Years ago they were expected to just stand there and take it and to “be a lady.” Ladies of the past didn’t use their fists. I’m not saying every woman can beat every man any more than every man can beat every woman, but those who don’t even try to fight back really make me wonder about them. Are they just that weak? Or could they actually get off on it somehow? There are some sickos out there who do get off on various forms of abuse, after all. But these days more of them are quick to say, “Fuck society’s views of what a proper ladylike woman should be,” and they’re returning the fist fire with a vengeance. I commend those women. Really it’s hard to feel all that sorry for a man who gets beaten by his GF or wife simply because a woman won’t usually resort to her fists unless she’s attacked first. A man will use them simply because he might’ve had a bad day at work.

Oh yeah, work. That reminds me. Do I really want to deceive everyone about that? Because in order to tell Andy what he wants to hear, I have to tell everyone. If I tell just him he’ll wonder why it’s not mentioned in my blog or why no one else brings the subject up on Ask and sites like that. Also, if I tell just him he may bring it up in public and others will be confused. I suppose I could make up an online job that pays at least minimum wage, but what the hell would I say it was? Besides, that’s not a “real” job to most people. I don’t want to be someone I’m not, but I also don’t want the grief I sometimes get by being a “1950s” housewife and the doubt over my sleep disorder. It’s only a job, after all. If saying I have a simple out-of-the-house job will get people to back off a bit, then that’s not “conforming” much, is it? It still kind of hurts that those who should know me better, like Andy, don’t believe I have a sleep disorder, and somehow I doubt he believes I was the real victim where the black welfare bums were concerned either. And why not? No one else but my husband did, so why should he?