Andy and I had a blast earlier tonight on the phone ranking on people, then I got really tired, but I want to just stay up and write. It totally cleanses my soul.

I just spoke to Andy a few minutes ago which I wanted to do before I continue writing. While on the phone with him I looked back into my other journals and read him about the day we were at the beach and also the day he taught me how to play La Isla Bonita but I have yet to find the day he taught me Talk To Me or the day we met up again which was downtown at the Sheridan where he still works. He now works at the Holiday Inn. He needed the extra money to support himself with his new apartment.

Later...

Can you believe that after all this time I still remember all my other phone numbers? I don’t think I’ll change it again when I move.

I’ve called my old numbers before to see if anyone’s called looking for me, and sometimes they have. The guy at my first number which was listed said a few people called looking for both me and Michelle L, the fucked-up roommate I had on Locust St.

I wonder just what kind of life good old Crystal C is leading now. Everyone who knows her knows what a loser she and her sweet old boyfriend are. They’re definitely meant for each other.

Also, Mary D is always gonna live a very lonely life with her usual slew of non-stop problems. She’s also going to get her ass severely kicked with the way she is. She’ll never have anyone decent any more than Crystal ever will.

Good old Nellie R is gonna no doubt spend most of her life in jail. I never met anyone so sick, cruel and cold-blooded, but it ended with her knowing just what I knew about her and thought about her, and God help any of these people if I catch them on the streets.

Oh, and don’t I remember that black bitch Barbara T so well? The user probably lives out on the streets or in someone’s cellar.

I spoke to Mom earlier and I pray to God she can help me out of here and into my old apartment by April which is when Russ says my place will be vacant again. She claims there are a few people interested in the house, but I know that it might take forever for that damn stupid house to sell. She also said they might not be coming home until the end of May, and of course, this year I’m not going to Florida. I give anything to stay alone at the beach, but of course not. I’m still a little girl, Tammy’s welcome, but not me. Not even if I was straight and married.

Later...

Last night I fell asleep between the hours of 4:00-5:00 only to wake up at 7:00 to go to the bathroom. I thought I’d never go back to sleep, but I was exhausted, so I forced myself, then I woke up again at 10:30 to someone’s pounding or hammering. I couldn’t tell if it was upstairs or downstairs.

Dotty said the Puerto Ricans upstairs moved out. I hope not cuz they were really nice and I’m worried as it is about who they’re gonna put downstairs in Hank’s old place, and as you know, Carabetta takes anybody. Yesterday morning, I thought I heard footsteps upstairs and was hoping the older couple, Emanuel and Iris, were still there and that it was only their daughter, son and grandson who moved out, but I don’t know. Time will tell. Their names are still on the mailbox. It sure would be quieter if the kids only moved out. They used to run back and forth up there constantly, although I shouldn’t talk. They’ve never once complained about me or my music.

I was surprised Linda never called me yesterday and I even left her a message. I really hope she’s not interested in me cuz I hardly ever see her although that may mean nothing, cuz Mary used to claim how much she was in love with me and wanted me though I only saw her once in a lifetime. But of course, it was the biggest favor she did for me. Linda’s so ugly, too. In a way, she reminds me of Mary.

Later...

I had a long conversation with Bruce today and he made me realize there’s so much more to learn on the piano. Scales, keys, chords and all kinds of things. I really want to go to school to learn but I’m so afraid of failing and I really want to graduate with honors.

He says part of making it as a singer is being attractive and that I am very attractive. When I told him why I wish I were ugly sometimes, he said my chances would be zero if I were. I reminded him of how fat actress Roseanne Barr is, and he said that she’s an actress acting in a role that’s suitable for a fat person. I also told him Ella Fitzgerald was fat and he said, “Look how old she is.” So, he definitely has somewhat of a point. You use your looks and image to sell yourself, as well as your talent.

I am not feeling all that great today cuz of the pork I ate last night. I obviously didn’t cook it well enough. I feel pretty lousy and I took my meds too but I’m glad I don’t need to take them every day. I can go a day or two without them. What I need to understand is that I’m not just going to be able to stop overnight. It’ll take time but, in the future, I’ll need them less and less.

So far today I’m having an excellent day. I got up at 8 AM and went grocery shopping and already I’ve eaten a fruit cup, a sandwich, some baked stuffed scallops and later I’m going to have a pork chop and something to go with it.

Today I received that application. Before I fill it out I want to speak to my mom. I left a message on her machine for her to call me back.

I doubt very much that I’ll be going to Florida this year. She said something about coming home early this year. Yeah, sure. They probably won’t be home till May.

Guess what? Pam called from the dating service. She says she has a potential referral for me and that she’s going to mail me the information either today or tomorrow. I’m so worried cuz of where I live and my not having a job cuz if she’s decent that’ll really turn her off. You know all my fears and doubts. I don’t have to write about them again. I just hope she’s attractive.

I miss my cat so much and truthfully haven’t improved much since she’s been gone. If I move to my old apartment, she’ll love it. Nervous is taking her to the vet today for her yearly booster and exam. I hope she’s ok. She should be.

Tammy didn’t call yesterday or today but I spoke to Andy last night and I saw his car at his place as I was on my way up to Food Mart.

Again Linda called yesterday saying she’d call me back about coming over, but she never did.

Today I got into an argument with Jessie about her being paranoid about her coming here and parking in the back here. Oh well, that’s her problem.

I was wicked pissed cuz yesterday I slept all day and never did my grocery shopping and today there are no buses. I could get stuff at the gas station but I have no money. It’s all in the bank.

Very early evening yesterday Linda called and I asked her to come over and she said she would and that she’d call me later. So, I finally woke up again around midnight realizing Linda never called or left a message on my machine, so I called Andy and asked him to bring me a pack of butts and to come over. He did, and we had a damn good time.

When he first came over, he was complaining that his stomach hurt him and I started playing the piano and he was saying how he always wanted someone to play for him when he feels lousy. So I began playing Just One Look and said it sucked, but when I finished, he got up, slowly walked over to me and said, “What do you mean it sucks? That was so good. You weren’t even looking at the music. You’ve improved so much. The pain is all gone.”

That made me feel so good to hear him say that. He’s the only one that really appreciates my music. I also sang for him and he said, “Yes, you’ve improved and maybe I should just stick to the piano and let you do the singing.”

I then told him how we should go out and make it together cuz of how close we are and cuz of how much he knows about the business and he says, “Just maybe we will.”

I’d hate to go off and try to make it alone without him who I trust and know so well.

I got a kick out of a couple of weeks ago when I put on my new 2-piece bathing suit to show him how much weight I’ve lost and he was surprised all right. I haven’t even needed to take my water pill for so long but I’m a little scared cuz it’s the time of year now that I lose weight and I surely can’t afford to lose anymore.

I finally have now learned Words Get in the Way by heart without looking at the music and it feels so damn good! I also began playing Blue Bayou. It’s fairly easy.

Today I’m hoping Linda calls. I just left a message for Nervous to call. Last night Tammy called at fucking 1:30. She’s damn lucky I was up. Andy talked to her for a few minutes.

Right now I’ve got to go check yesterday’s mail to see if that application from Russ came yet.

In an hour I’ve got to catch the Sumner Allen bus for my eye exam with Dr. Donatelli. I’ll bring my old glasses I never wear and explain my situation and hopefully get an answer. I really don’t want to have to wear glasses though, and I’m pretty sure most of my problem is due to the medication. I look hideous in glasses and it feels as awkward as if I had a brick sitting on my nose.

I hate this pen. When I go to Food Mart, I want to get some new pens. My printing is so much neater than my writing, but writing is so much quicker.

The night before last, I saw Andy’s new apartment just 5 minutes away. It’s not in the greatest condition, the hallways are filthy, but it’s a cute place, he’s psyched, so I’m happy for him.

Yesterday Nervous bought me the sheet music for Kokomo and Nadia’s Theme. Kokomo is fairly easy, but I can’t even begin for the life of me to figure out Nadia’s Theme.

Now, I’ve got some really shocking news. My last apartment that was big and really nice that I miss so much – well – I’m going back!!!! It’s not definite but I’m pretty sure. The guy that owns it now is Russell S. He’s mailing me an application. My place is to be vacant in April with a new bathroom and new paint job. I can’t wait. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. It’s really bringing me down to the pits. I spoke to Mom about it and she seems to be on my side saying I never should’ve left there. The rent’s $440, but who cares. It’s safe there and pretty compared to here, with no graffiti or trash all over. Safe to leave your door open. Of course, I hope I have nice neighbors and that no one complains about my music. Everyone that was there before is gone now except for Jo. She was the one who gave me Russ’s number.

Later...

I finally did all my laundry, thank God. I also spoke to Jessie who isn’t doing too much grocery shopping cuz she’s got bad cramps, so I’ll go myself up to Food Mart tomorrow and come back in a cab. The only bitch is that on Saturdays the place is mobbed.

I bought this pen I’m writing with now at Store 24 and I love its razor-fine point.

I called up at the Forest Park Grill. Nervo wasn’t there but I spoke to some woman named Helen who says Nervous had lunch with some sexy blond and that he went to her house. This definitely must be a hooker, if it’s even true. Could he really be getting it off with some hooker? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been so desperate and pushy.

No. No way. He’ll never get anyone with the way he is. Maybe a good screw every now and then from a hooker, if he has the money, but that’ll never stop him from spying on me or coming over for visits. I’m gonna mention it to him, but he might not say much about it. He’s so secretive. If he starts chuckling, then I’ll know for sure like he always does when I ask him something like that, although he may lie and say it’s a girlfriend.

Getting back to this girl Helen I spoke to, she says Nervo told him I sing and play guitar and piano and that she sang too, and asked for me to come in sometime. When I told her I was gay and why that was ok with me she said, “Really? Are you really gay? Wow, not too many people admit that.”

Later...

I feel so good today, as I recover from the flu. Spring is finally in the air. I had all my windows open and was wearing shorts and a tank top. Time really flies when you get older. It seems like just yesterday it was fall.

I will always prefer to be a night person, but I feel healthier when I sleep at night and get up in the daytime.

Later...

I still haven’t received that application in the mail. Oh well. Probably tomorrow.

I’m gonna be so bored for the rest of the day. Guess I’ll go to sleep early seeing I’ve been up since 3:30 this morning.

I wonder if Linda or Tammy will call later.

I sure as hell hope Nervous calls cuz I’m really curious about this sexy blond.

Later...

That fucking Bruce just called, telling me that I’m not good enough for someone decent and that my attitude sucks and that I should drop out of the dating service, but I know he’s just saying all this cuz he can’t have me. He even said he couldn’t handle being just my friend and that I need to change. I told him I’m just gonna be myself, not what anyone else wants me to be, and then he said, “Well, yourself sucks.”

He’s another Al. I mean, he is just like Al. I swear they could be brothers!

It’s not fair. I know I suck and am too intense as he says and this and that, but do I need to be reminded about it every time I talk to him? I hung up on him. I don’t need him.

It’s hard enough accepting the fact that I’ll always be alone, and I can and will in time, but do people have to constantly rub it in? Especially a fucking male? No way am I gonna let a male drag me down.

Right now I’m gonna have a cup of coffee and then go to sleep. I’ve been up so long.

I’m trying to go without the medication, but it is hard. I’ll just really have to convince myself to cope without drugs and that the drugs can’t solve my problems. They’re only fucking me up.

Like an idiot, I went over to this guy’s house two nights ago. I dialed him randomly. We got to talking and he seemed nice enough. Yet I found that he was tripping on coke when I went over to his guesthouse that was in back of his parent’s house in Agawam. I went by cab, which he paid for. Well, he tried to rape me, but I got out of it, which seems like quite a miracle to me. That’s because this guy has all the makings of a serial killer! He was this short, stout, hideously ugly creature that dove at me from the front, knocking me to the floor, after we’d been chatting at his kitchen table. I cried AIDS and it stopped him from getting in there, and he settled for a hand job. Anything to keep him out of me, though I didn’t really have to do much. Within seconds, the sicko came.

Put it this way, if I didn’t have the temper I’ve got, as well as the ability to act, I’d be dead, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The guy was a psycho and I’m lucky to be alive. He’s already paid his consequences, though, and this is just the beginning. The guy fucked with the wrong person.

This morning at 10:00, I’m supposed to be in court, but I’m still debating on whether or not to go. I highly doubt they’ll put a default warrant out for me cuz it’s only a show cause hearing and I quit calling the chick I was calling. How she trapped me so quickly beats the shit out of me.

The day before last Tammy came over at around noon and woke me up out of a sound sleep, and then that night Andy came over and cooked us a really nice dinner of pork chops, homemade mashed potatoes and corn. After we watched Unsolved Mysteries together and then we made some calls. It was funny cuz we were crossing people on the 3-way and looking up funny names in the phonebook.

Last night was both enjoyable and interesting. Bruce came over and he really is a sweet person and a fantastic guitar player! I mean he’s super. We both have the same desires and dreams. I sang for him and played guitar and keyboards for him and practiced all night long after he left and guess what?!?! I can play every note of Words Get in the Way. It’s such a good feeling! I tried playing Primitive Love but it’s gonna take time and so is 1-2-3. I’ll get it someday. I can play them, but just a wee bit too slow.

Before I go, I forgot to mention that I got a shit load of makeup by UPS today that I ordered last month. It’s excellent. This nighttime moisturizer repair I got really softens the skin on my face. It isn’t so tight, dry and flaky anymore. I got 3 lipsticks. My favorite one is sort of a shiny gold color. I got 5 eyeliners, nail polish, perfume, Intimate perfume body lotion, a nail file and cuticle pusher, 2 pencil sharpeners, concealing powder, foot bath, soap, aloe vera body lotion, a nail polish corrector pen and a 2-year calendar planner.

Today, whether I go to court or not, I do have quite a few things to do such as pay bills and make an appointment at HCC for help filing for aid and also, I want to get Linda’s music book I ordered. It has 159 pages so it must have an awful lot of songs in it.

Tomorrow I just may go to Friendly’s and apply there. It’d be more money and mostly under the table cuz of tips.

I just finished watching a scary movie and I’m now just about ready to drop off. I’m pretty zonked.

This afternoon I saw my allergy doctor and he gave me two inhalers for my asthma and one for my nose.

I am still wide awake and feeling pretty lousy. Earlier I got the urge to make my face up so I did. I took off my lipstick and blush but I still have my eyes all made up.

Linda never called. I wonder if she’s sick or something came up. I also wonder why I haven’t heard from Tammy in two days. I know it’s either shit from her mother, or she’s out with Will. Also, I haven’t spoken with Andy in two days. The only one I speak to every day is Jessie. We love to talk on the phone.

Well, I had a long talk with Nervous’s mother about him calling me and hanging up or just not saying anything and his spying. She says to take him to court if I have to. I now have absolutely no desire to see or talk to this sicko. It’s just gotten way out of hand to the point of no return and you just never know what a sicko like him is gonna do or what’s on his mind. Some friendship it’s been, huh?

I’m supposed to go to CC tomorrow for my intake, but they may be closed cuz we’re supposed to get a huge snowstorm.

This Saturday I’m supposed to return to Steiger’s, but I’ve got to think about it. Do I really want to?

Well, right now I’m a little depressed and lonely but I’m finally starting to get used to it and accept being alone. It’s always better than settling for second best.

I’m cooking some chicken rice right now, hoping Linda the cab driver calls.

I went out earlier to the Holyoke mall with Jessie. There, I bought both Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s cassette singles.

Surprisingly enough, but then again I guess it’s no real surprise, I haven’t heard from Tammy all day yesterday or today. She’s no doubt out with Will, says Jessie.

Ma called saying she bought me this beautiful dress and it’s a size 6! What is she, crazy? She doesn’t realize how much weight I’ve lost. She hasn’t seen me in a while. She says it’s a loose-knit dress with no zippers or buttons. She’s gonna mail it to me.

There’s this guy, Bruce Y, who I ran into downtown. I’ve run into him a few times. He’s going to Holyoke Community College for the two-year music program for an associate degree in music, which I’m also thinking of doing. He’s nice and he’s not ugly either, but he’s so dull and wimpy, and of course, he turns me on in no way shape or form. Even Jessie spoke to him using my 3-way calling and she agreed.

Bruce says he thinks I’m very attractive and sensitive and seems so amazingly respectful, saying I shouldn’t be with a guy if I’m not happy and would rather be with a woman. He says don’t do anything I don’t want to do that doesn’t feel right.

I was hoping Linda would call cuz I really do like her even though she’s no beauty, and I could really use a chat with her. She really understands being gay too. I wish she’d give me her phone number.

I called Pamela at my dating service and told her our mailboxes are broken and she said she’d give me a call before she mails out anything. I’m still so skeptical about it all, though. I still fear that my type of woman isn’t meant to be.

I finally got my guitar back, thank God. I got it on Andy’s birthday and rode with him in his new car. I bought Linda’s Mad Love music book and also a guinea pig, but I returned the pig. I just don’t want the hassles of changing the cage or buying bails of sawdust or the pellets anymore. Instead, I had Nervous, who’s acting really sick and always stinks and has this horrible body odor, bring Sasha back. I realize my allergies will be killing me but I love this cat to death and missed her terribly. I can’t live with no animals at all.

I saw Dr. Moshiri today at Osborne. He said I seemed much better and that all I’ve gone through has really had an impact on me but that I have amazing strength. He also agreed with me that one never forgets the past, though everyone keeps telling me to forget it. I wish I could!

I have taken half of a Deseril pill for 4 nights now and he says for me to continue that for a week or two and then take a whole one and at that point to stop the Navane.

Tammy called early this morning saying she was fed up with her mother and was leaving and we discussed her coming here but I haven’t heard from her since and she was supposed to call me early this afternoon. Tammy’s not the right person for me, though. She’s got too many problems and a lousy temper.

Sure enough, my case was dismissed. The pig never showed up. I asked my lawyer why, and he said cuz he’d make a complete fool out of himself. The law is that you have to prove one guilty even if they admit they’re guilty. When I told my lawyer I was arrested he was shocked and he agreed that just cuz they’re cops and they wear that badge they think they can do anything. Whether I pleaded guilty or not, he still can’t prove it was me.

I spoke with both Jessie and Stuart today, but not yet with Tammy. She’ll probably call me later. She probably tried to get me last night but I took my phone off the hook so I could go to bed early. Andy probably tried to get me last night, too. It’s Monday, so Ma’s gonna be calling tonight.

When Nervous calls later tonight I’m gonna ask him if he’ll rent a car and bring me back the aquarium I gave him, so I can have him take me to Brightwood in Longmeadow so I can get a pig. I miss having one. The only bitch is buying them food all the time and changing their cage, but it’s worth it. I need the company of a pet.

Today I feel pretty good for a change. Since I turned the heat lower I feel much better and less feverish. I’m gonna write and really practice my piano. My guitar is in the shop cuz it needed new strings and I’m pissed at Phil. He’ll never bring it back today and it’s been ready since Saturday. I’m dying to play.

Guess who I’ve been in contact with every day now on the phone? Jessica S! I went to middle school with her. She’s got a 9-month-old baby boy now named Wyatt Justin and he’s cute. Her adoptive father is Big Bird of Sesame Street. I called Jessie’s mom in Longmeadow and she told me Jessie lived in Feeding Hills so I got her number through information. And sure enough, the guy she was with took off when she got pregnant and does drugs and just wants sex. She understands me really well, though, and accepts me for the way I am and we’ve had a lot of nice talks. I even spent the night in her place and she told me it didn’t even seem like 10 years had gone by since we last saw each other and we are very close friends. She mentioned getting a place together, but I don’t know. I would definitely live with her, though, cuz I’ve known her so long and we get along so well and she’s no thief or druggie.

Later...

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to court. Lucky me. Nervous is going to wake me up. He was over here for the first time in a month and he also has a broken wrist. That’s what he gets for walking around at 2:00 in the morning buying a pack of cigarettes. He says a bunch of guys knocked him down.

I forgot to mention that last weekend I was at Tammy’s house. It was a very nice house. She still says she likes me and wants to have a relationship with me, but I still hardly ever see her. I spoke to both her and Jessie today.

I want to move so bad it isn’t funny. I’m so sick of this place, but who knows when I ever will? I also want a car at times, too.

Believe it or not, I found Jenine M’s number (she’s an entertainment agent) in an old pad of phone numbers and I called her and she did say she had tried to reach me after I changed my number and she said she’d call me either Mon. or Tues. I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high but I’m trying not to think negatively either. My voice is ok, of course, but what really brings it down is my stuffy nose and wheezing. I have finally made an appointment with my allergy doctor. I also think I may have somewhat of the flu now too, which is going around. I usually get it once a year at this time.

I’m so psyched about my piano playing. I’m getting better and better every day. I’ve learned Dr. Beat and Falling in Love and have learned much more of her other songs (Gloria’s) and also, I’m gonna work on some of Linda’s. I’ve learned some of the song Just One Look. I’d say it’s my timing that’s the hardest thing to conquer what with both the left and right hands together. Tomorrow I’m going to work on the song You Made a Fool of Me which I already have a basic idea of now.

All the songs Andy taught me are like a piece of cake now. I love to play Talk to Me most of all.

I just got finished spraying a spider with Raid but I should’ve just killed it with my broom cuz now it stinks in here. Oh well.

Tammy called me today at around 11:30, asking if I’d go with her to her doctor’s appointment and if I’d meet her at 2:00 outside the front of the Civic Center. Well, I stood her up cuz of the way she’s done it to me and for not returning my hairpiece. Also, I was very tired. She called me at 6:00 wanting to know why I wasn’t there. I told her I was sick and tired. She said she waited till 3:30. She told me she was going for her second pregnancy test and that they don’t know if she’s pregnant or not.

Philip took me to Store 24 at about noontime and I got just a few things cuz of the way I’ve been feeling. He’s supposed to call me this morning around 11:00.

I spoke to Nervous and this morning. I told him Philip was coming to take me to the airport and that I’d be gone to Florida for the rest of the month. I’m so sick of him and even talking on the phone to him cuz he really is a sick person. I usually only talk for two seconds then play my game of the crossed call that comes in and he listens and says all kinds of sick, nasty and hateful stuff. I used to find it funny, but now it’s gotten old.

Earlier this evening I was really depressed and I cried the last two nights in a row cuz I haven’t in so long. It takes a lot for me to cry and I usually keep it bottled up inside till it really catches up to me, but I know I must try really hard not to take the Navane unless I absolutely have to. You know, if I get so anxious that I can’t breathe. Crying, though, really did make me feel a lot better much quicker. What I need most of all is a woman. Yeah, sure.

On Showtime last weekend Gloria had a concert special taped in Miami. It was the last concert of her tour. It was great and she looked beautiful. She was also on the music awards too, where she won an award. She looked sexy as all hell and Andy taped it for me so I could see it again. As for Gloria’s concert, it will be on several more times this month and since I don’t have a VCR I’m just gonna tape it on my box.

I spoke to Tony on Monday and was about to tell him how I can’t be his girlfriend and the reasons why when he told me he’s not looking for that and that he was glad we got that out in the open. His basic reason for not wanting me is cuz I don’t have a job, and when I told him that I do have a job, he said, “You just got that job.”

He’s another one who can’t accept me for the way I am and it verifies my belief that I’ll never have anyone decent cuz I haven’t worked in so long. All I’ll get is a desperate mental case. Ma says when the right person comes along, I’ll know it, and I asked her if she thought I was only good enough for the jerks and not the decent people and she said no, that I could get someone decent. I told her it’s not going to be a man. She said that’s good. It’s like she’s happy about my being gay cuz she knows how men are and doesn’t want me getting pregnant.

Andy said that Tony’s excuse about my not working is really stupid and that most guys don’t want their girlfriends to work, cuz then they’re meeting other guys. They want them to stay home and cook and clean, but that’s basically only the assholes.

I’m sending my dating service a check for $80, so in 2 or 3 weeks I should be meeting someone. I’m so skeptical. I doubt any of these women will turn me on like Gloria, whether they’re decent or not.

I definitely cannot sit around all month waiting for work so maybe I’ll go apply at McDonald’s which sucks, but it pays a little more than $5 an hour and has better hours. I really think the first thing I need is that dream girl before I try to make it in music or a better job. Someone who believes in me. I can’t do everything alone. I need some support.

I haven’t heard from Tammy for two days. Guess I’m gonna have to get my hairpiece myself.

Earlier today I was depressed. I came down with the flu very early this morning and missed my second day of training, therefore I cannot work next week’s schedule which was Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I now have to wait for the next training class which isn’t until February 25th cuz the girl who does the training is on vacation. I was there yesterday, though, and it seemed interesting and the people were very friendly, but it’ll probably get boring after a while as all cashier jobs do.

But anyhow, I am going to be so fucking bored till the 25th. I’ll go nuts. I called and asked Tony, this guy I met who’s really nice if he has any work I could do for him where he works. He says not really, but he’ll look into it. I’ve only seen this guy Tony only once in person and he seems like a really nice and mature guy but as usual, I have no attraction for him at all. I could never go to bed with him and I’m afraid of him falling in love with me and I really think that right now he really likes me a lot. What do I do? Well, I asked Andy who said to give him up cuz I’d rather be with a woman and cuz of there was no sexual attraction.

I haven’t heard from Tammy today and have a feeling I will never ever see my hairpiece again. The phone did ring, though, at 11:30 or so while I had the headphones on listening to music but by the time I picked up the phone the machine came on and they hung up. It was probably either Tammy or Andy.

I have really decided for once in for all to quit smoking. I know I’ve said that before but I’m fucking dying. I can’t breathe and thinking of all the money I’d save and how much better I’d sing really encourages me. I’d save so much time too. Time I spend looking for a light or buying lighters and the ciggies. There are plenty of things I could do if I quit such as write, read, watch TV and of course I’ll be working soon so it’s definitely wise to quit before work. It’ll make it easier. I hear I’d be a lot calmer too. The only thing that scares me is getting fat but maybe I won’t. I don’t want to write any more about it. It’s just best to keep it off my mind as much as possible.

Later...

I think I’ll stay up all day so I can put myself on a normal schedule cuz I start work this Friday. Friday and Saturday I have my training, then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have regular work. I need to bring with me the envelope handbook, my license, and social security card. I can’t wait. I need a job so badly and also the extra money and something to do.

Today I’ve got to call Cablevision to cancel my HBO and order Showtime so I can see Gloria’s concert. That way Andy won’t have to tape it. Also, the Grammys will be on soon. I know Gloria will win something.

This month I can probably finish paying my dating service, although I am scared shitless, so afraid they’ll be ugly and not interested in me if they aren’t ugly or aren’t jerks.

Today I also need to go to Food Mart quite badly. Or somewhere. I’ve got no food. I hate grocery shopping so much it isn’t funny.

Hopefully, I can catch Nervous at the Forest Park Grill when he gets in for his breakfast.

Another thing is that I need new guitar strings. I’ll have to have Phil take me.

Later...

Mary just had a baby girl and I am so jealous and it kills me to think I’ll never have kids cuz I’m gay and have no money, but how do all these other people do it? The last thing I want is a male to have to count on to help me. I don’t want to do it with a male but I don’t want to do it alone either. Also, my parents would disown me. I’d constantly be tied down with it, too. If I ever get money by singing or whatever then maybe then I could do it, but then I’d have to give up my career for a while and I still don’t plan on ever having a woman by my side forever.

Later...

I was so lonely and so bored tonight it wasn’t funny. Emily says I really ought to try my dating service and give it a chance. I still feel I’ll never get anyone with the way I am. Emily says I’m very pretty and that my eyes are very striking. It’s my shape, though. I mean, I just look totally ridiculous. My hips are so huge and so are my thighs. I just can’t seem to change my shape. I’ve got such a gut. Will I look like a fool in my new bathing suits? Al said I have a lousy shape and I’m so afraid to let a woman see me. Emily says I look about 80 or 85 pounds, but I think I look 110. I’m really 100, and can you imagine looking hideous at 100? I do, though!

I spoke to Tammy who once again said she was bored and wanted to come visit. She never showed up, as usual, saying her mother wanted her to stay home. But she’s an adult, for Christ’s sake!

She also says she thinks she’s pregnant again and is so confused with so many questions without any answers. I told her she’s really fucking herself up by living with her mother, getting pregnant too young and being involved with guys. She’s not my type, although we do have so much in common. But I’m not gonna be roommates with her cuz of all her problems.

Well, quite a few things have happened since I last wrote about 14 days ago. I never got the job at the clothing store or the Sheridan Tara and am not gonna waste my time trying to get a hold of Nissa which I can never do. However, I did get hired at Steiger’s clothing store! Yes, I did and I’m psyched! Only Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, though, from 10:00 - 5:30, and just $4.60 an hour. The pay’s not great.

They have beautiful stuff there too, in which I get 20% off. I already bought a necklace as for this job, you must dress up nicely.

Part-time is ok cuz it still leaves me two free weekdays for appointments. They may call me in on my day off if they need extra help.

The day before yesterday, my niece Lisa turned 6. I spoke with her yesterday and she told me she can’t wait till she gets older so we can sing together. That was so sweet and it really touched my heart, but I’m wondering if Tammy said anything to her cuz a 6-year-old isn’t smart enough to say or remember that I sing. The only time I sang was last Turkey Day over at the house in Longmeadow.

And also, here’s another thing concerning my singing. Tammy says she doesn’t mean to hurt me when she gives me an opinion and she said to me, “I’ll give you an example, but I don’t mean it. Suppose I say your singing sucks, well it’s just my opinion that’s not meant to hurt you.”

See, I caught that line, “I don’t mean it.”

Later...

Today I got a huge package in the mail from Mom and Dad. It had so much stuff. Several shorts, shirts, skirts, socks, underpants and 3 2-piece bathing suits and also earrings, bracelets, necklaces, a watch with a spider inside it, a pocketbook, flip-flops for the beach, a beach bag and tanning oil.

It makes me really want to move down to Florida, get a job and a nice apartment in a nice area and tan and swim all the time. I am getting quite sick of being white as a ghost anyhow.

Tammy hasn’t called at all yet today and I realize I didn’t write about her last night.

I dialed randomly looking for someone to talk to and got this 19-year-old girl named Tammy on the line who has a 15-month-old daughter whose father took off when she became pregnant, and I said to Tammy, “If you were smart you’d go with a woman cuz males will only screw you up and over.”

That’s when I expected her to slam the phone down in my face, but instead, she said, “You know, I really thought about that.”

So we hit it off really well and spoke for two hours, discovered we had everything in common and that she sang with a band. She played me a tape of her singing and she is truly excellent.

The next day she came over and I thought she was very pretty and also very tall and that she looks a lot like Tiffany.

Like a fool, I even let her borrow my hairpiece.

Then she seemed to want to talk less and less, always saying she’d come over, but never showing up, so I guess she just isn’t my type.

Her mother is a real wacko who treats her like a prisoner. She’s an alcoholic. Andy called her up, calling her all kinds of names.

Well, Tammy didn’t like that and called me up saying she was gonna destroy me and kick my ass, then called me and apologized the next day saying she realizes how small I am and that she just blew up cuz of her mother pressuring her and jumping down her throat and that she really loves me and wants to be friends with me.

I told Tammy I’d never live with her cuz of her temper and her family problems and the people she associates with, and I have a feeling that I’ll never see her again or my hairpiece.

See what I mean? Assholes are all I ever meet.

I was up early this morning which I’ve been doing for the last week or so.

I called this woman’s clothing store in Bay State West and set up an interview for this Wednesday. The hours are flexible and it’ll work out great if I could work there. It’s so easy to get to, too. They’re hiring part- and full-time. It would be nice to work full-time with 4 weekdays and also Saturdays. To leave one weekday open would be good for therapy and doctor’s appointments.

I have an appointment for an intake at Community Care on January 20th at 11:30. Hopefully, I can get a female therapist, who I can see the same day I see the doctor.

February 13th and March 3rd I have to go to court.

Later...

The exterminator was just here and I hate to think of having to put everything back in the cabinets.

I’m gonna call the PVTA’s break room and attempt to speak to Nissa, but she’ll probably cuss me out and hang up on me.

It was this day last year when I flew back from Florida. Crystal lived here at the time, too. I don’t think I’m going to Florida this year until March. That is if I’m not working.

It’s been really cold lately at 0º. And we’ve still got another 4 months or so to go of this cold.

Today I think I’m gonna do my laundry, and sometime next week, I’m gonna go down to the courthouse and try to find out who’s putting another complaint against me for phone calls. It’s a name I don’t recognize for March 3rd, but it’s only a hearing so I probably won’t even show up.

Yesterday I went to bed around 2:00 in the afternoon and didn’t get up till 6:30 this morning. Thank God my phone didn’t ring, but I sure as hell bolted out of bed at 2:30 in the morning when the big huge picture in my kitchen fell and broke. There was glass everywhere.

Sure enough yesterday, fate was against me when I ran into Nervous on my way out of Saratoga drugstore. I tried to ignore him and told him I was sick which I was but he followed me across the street to the gas station where I got a grinder and he waited all the while staring at me. Then when I left, sure enough, he started to follow me down onto Montpelier and I told him to go home and call me tomorrow and he goes, “ok, I’ll call you later today then.” Then the obsessed little boy walked past me down Montpelier as I turned to cut through to Oswego St. The desperate bastard walked away shaking like a leaf at the thought of not getting any attention. When is he ever gonna get the hint? Next time I’ll kill him. He’s constantly begging to be my friend and the fucking male tried to bribe me by saying he hasn’t sent in my music book subscription yet, cuz he wants constant attention. I told him he was not my type and why and that if he’s that desperate to go find someone else who’s just as desperate.

Fran’s here now and he’s sound asleep. We went to the fireworks tonight and we tried to get home in time for the ball to drop but got here too late.

Tuesday, I’m gonna go apply for a job downtown at Steiger’s where Emily works.

Emily also said she’d help me pick out a 2-piece bathing suit for Florida saying I’m not too fat for one. Dad also said I’m not too fat for one, but Andy says I am. I guess it depends on the style and cut of the suit, but I do want to lose more weight. I’m still heavy at 96 pounds. Can you believe it? Everyone says I’m not, though, except for Andy.

I haven’t been writing too much lately so I’m going to do that for a while and also I’m going to work on my stories. I think I may study some of my shorthand from the book I bought, too.

I wanted to write last night but it was late and I fell asleep. I wasn’t feeling too good yesterday probably cuz I didn’t eat much. I still only weigh 97 pounds.

Mentally I have been feeling much better the last 3 days. Last night I took my new medication and 5mg of Navane. The two nights before I took 10mg but had zombie effects in court which was yesterday.

Nothing happened in court. They just gave me a trial date. The next date is February 13th and the other side is supposed to show up this time. Gee, I can’t fucking wait!

Remember that job I applied for at the Sheridan Tara as a bus person? Well, I didn’t get the job.

Andy called me at 10:00 this morning thinking I’d be up, but I wasn’t. He told me he was going shopping so we only talked for a couple of quick minutes.

Later at noontime, I woke up and was so sick with a fever and dizziness. I went up to Shopper’s for some cold pills and to get a refill on my water pills, then I talked for a few minutes with Emily.

I spoke to this other woman up at Shopper’s who says allergy shots did her no good at all and that she takes some prescription medicine that helps her a lot. She said she used to see Dr. Donoghue too, and that Dr. Ploof is taking all his patients. She said Dr. Ryner never helped her with her allergies and that it wasn’t even an allergist who gave her that medication she says works.

Speaking of Dr. Ryner, I saw him at the ER last night and he did no damn good for me at all but gave me something to unplug my nose that didn’t work.

I had to go down by ambulance cuz I had no other way of getting there, but before they came, the cops came and one of them was the one who arrested me. Peter is his name and the other guy is Shaun. They also brought me home from the ER. They were very nice, too.

Later that night I left a message at 911 for him to call me and he did. I thanked him for the ride and said I wanted to chat for a while if it was ok after his shift was over. He said he was going to a party and that if there was a phone there he’d call me but he never did.

See what I mean? Only the jerks come to me. I can’t get anyone I like, anyone decent or with a decent job. Shaun said when he called me that he thought something was wrong.

Well, I think I will be getting a job as a bus person at the hotel, rather than housekeeping. The hours will be from 4:30 to about 11:00. It’ll be shitty money, but it’s better than just sitting around doing nothing.

Andy wants a job waiting on tables on the same shift, too. He’s a night person too, and likes to stay up all night.

Not much else has been happening. Next week, though, Philip and I are going to go around to different apartments to see what they have.

I found out from SS That I am able to work a certain number of hours. I had them call Dad and explain it to him.

Andy gave me the name of someone to speak with in personnel at the Sheridan Tara where he works and I applied for a job in housekeeping. I don’t think I got the job, though. She didn’t seem very friendly or to like the idea of me being on disability for so long. Andy says that he gets the impression that this girl doesn’t like him either. He says he gave my name and number to someone in the restaurant who needs a bus person. What would be nice about this job is that the pay is low cuz you depend on tips which I wouldn’t report to SS. So I would still gross under $300 a month. But the shitty thing about it is that your tips come from the waitresses and waiters, so good luck if they ever tip you. Also, it’s not always busy so you don’t always make that much. It’s never guaranteed.

My sister totally disgusted me with the things she says and does again last night on the phone and I really just don’t want anything to do with her. She stabbed me in the back by telling my business to Mom and Dad, lies, is so negative and dramatic and thinks she’s great. Valleyhead was the best place for me, she says. And also, she doesn’t buy some of the things I’ve told her that have happened there. Why would I lie? Who wants to say someplace is bad if they really did enjoy it there and were treated well? I wish I had liked it. I wish I had been treated well and like a person who needed help and a boost up, rather than a criminal.

Last but not least, she’s better than me cuz she doesn’t do anything illegal. What about the prank calls she made when she was younger? I clearly remember the incident with the fire dept.

Plus, child abuse is illegal, be it physical, emotional or verbal, and I’ve seen her abuse her kids.

She tells me the things I do and say along with the way I get angry have nothing to do with my past, it’s all my fault, and so on.

She needs to take a course in psychology. Put it this way, my sister could never make it on her own or handle her life by herself. She needs a man to take care of her and support her.

From now on when I go to sleep at night and want to sleep straight through, I’m gonna take the phone off the hook. Nervous called at almost 1 AM and I said, “What the fuck are you doing calling me this late?”

Then he says, “It’s not late.”

Yeah, right. That’s how desperate he is. He sounded like he was about to get nervous as all hell. What makes people like him deny reality when they don’t like what they’re hearing or can’t get what they want? 1am isn’t late?

So, then again at 2:30 Andy called and he says, “I knew you’d be up.”

I told him I’m not always up this late. I was pissed.

Tomorrow I’m calling SS to see if I’m allowed to work a certain number of hours. I need the extra money and I’m going nuts.

Also, I definitely doubt I’m moving. Tammy and I just don’t get along and we are just two different people. Also, I’m very skeptical about the whole situation. I began to wonder if they weren’t gonna try to trick me into supervised apartments. So, I asked Mom if she knew their number. She said no. Then I asked her for their names. She said she didn’t know. I asked her if Tammy knew. Again she said she didn’t know.

So after I hung up I soon called Tammy and it was as if she expected my question when I asked her for the number. She said, “No. You’re not to have it. You’ve got to be patient and wait.”

I started to tell her I wouldn’t move then, cuz of my fears of getting tricked, but she hung up. After being tricked into so many other places, I’m definitely skeptical. Andy says I should be if she won’t even give me the number and that cuz I’ve had so many doubts for so long, I should stay where I am.

I just want to disown my whole family at times! I know I could never talk to my mom about this. Dad’s the only one I can talk to, but Ma gets in the way and Tammy’s so much like her. She’s just another Dureen.

The night before last I took Penicillin for my sinus infection and fell asleep before midnight and I never woke up till 6:30 last night. I woke up feeling so lousy and so disoriented that I couldn’t figure out whether it was nighttime or morning. I mean, I felt awful. Tonight I gave Nervous Sasha as she’s definitely what’s been making me sick. It sure wasn’t easy. I’ll miss her something terrible.

Andy’s been telling me my singing’s not that great and that he doubts I’ll ever make it and that people tell me I’m good so as not to hurt me and they want to be kind. That’s such a lie and I know I can sing, granted I’m not perfect.

He said my dad only tells me I’m good to get me to lay off him and I told him, “You are so wrong and so negative and I don’t even want to talk to you.” Then he hung up.

Why do I always get negative people, if not desperate mental cases? People just don’t care or understand and Andy’s so contradicting.

Emily called a few mornings ago totally hysterical cuz she’s been working so much. I mean, she really has changed. She’s become so dramatic. I just don’t consider her a true friend anymore.

Nervous just called to wish me good luck on the state board test I’m not taking. I lied and told him Andy was taking me, but the truth is I don’t want to go with Nervous, and Andy has no car. Phil, Ruth and Marty are away.

I’ll have to re-submit my papers and pay another $25 fee.

Well, I am finally 23 years old. I wish I looked a day over 16. I probably won’t look 23 till I’m about 35. Ma says she thinks I’m starting to look older, but I still don’t think so. It’s not just cuz I’m short and thin, it’s my baby face and huge eyes.

Tammy never called, but like I said it worked out for the better.

Nervous’s car did break down as I had feared and I would’ve been paranoid about that and of course I can’t stand his driving or his mouth.

I would’ve had to pay $38 for a round-trip bus ticket to New London! That’s outrageous.

Aunt Ruth can’t take me for my written exam next Saturday cuz she’s going to Connecticut to see some people she used to camp with. Philip’s in Mexico and I know Andy will never take me. Also, his car has trouble, too.

I wish Andy and I could try to make it together in the music world, but he doesn’t want to cuz he feels people will admire me more than him if I was the lead singer and that’s so stupid. Another person I can’t trust that doesn’t understand me. He needs me and I need him, but no.

He says he’s coming over tomorrow afternoon to celebrate my b-day. Sure. Alright.

Ma sent me this hideous fruit candy package with white chocolate which I hate. I gave it to Nervo.

She says Monday there’s more mail and to read whatever comes in the mail carefully. I wonder if it’s a letter, but I doubt it. They never really write letters, only postcards which are plain and simple.

I started to make out a check to the dating service for $70, but I just really don’t think it’s worth it. Besides, I need that money for other more important things.

Later...

I’m still awake and I’m staying that way till tonight so I can get on a decent schedule which I’m determined to stay on for once.

I polished my nails a tannish-brown color, then I put shit loads of glitter over them. It looks so good. Almost like silver glitter and of course, you can see the brown.

Tammy did call today, and we both agreed we were wrong that other day. Also, I played some piano and read her the lyrics I recently wrote.

I composed a song on the piano, too. I’m so impressed with it. I’m wondering what Andy will think. He’s supposed to be over this afternoon.

I was going to rearrange the living room but decided against it. But I do want to rearrange all my personal stuff. Some of the stuff on the furniture is too cluttered, like in the bedroom.

I was up all night and I believe I will be up today too, to reverse my schedule.

Andy was here last night and he answered my questions about my music. I knew what I was doing all along but wanted to be sure. I’m improving by the hour it seems. I played all night. Just think how well I’ll play in a year! How about when I’m 30? I feel bad for Gloria who’s just learning from scratch. She’s never known how to read music and has never known any other instrument before either. I played some really good intense guitar playing for Andy and he really loved it. He loves my lyrics too. He also says that the more he hears me sing, the more he likes my voice and realizes I can really sing.

Speaking of lyrics, I wrote a song tonight for the first time in ages. I really should write more. It will be awfully hard for me to put music to these new lyrics on my guitar, though, cuz my nails are getting so long. I’ll be damned if I’ll cut them, though. I want to see how long they’ll grow this time without cutting them. I’m curious. Since I cut off all the nails before that were thin, soft and brittle from buffing, they’ve really been growing back very fast and hard, too.

I don’t think I’m going anywhere this weekend, but I still have to get gifts. What I’m gonna get, I have no idea.

I spoke to Mom last night who says she’s sending me a package by UPS. I know it’ll never be a portable piano. Probably clothes. Or something decorative.

I also have to pay my rent and see if the albums I ordered came in. I have laundry to do and mail to mail.

Nervous never called last night but he’ll call tonight to see if I need a ride to Salem which he’ll be devastated to see I don’t. I can guarantee anyone it’ll be his first question if I never bring it up. He’ll be so sad I won’t need a ride while I jump for joy.