Tammy is now 62 and I’m still worried about her. The bad vibe I have for her this year may not be as strong but it’s still there. This isn’t a dream premonition like the dream I had of her losing a lot of weight before she did in real life, and I didn’t even know that dream was a sign and an actual premonition at the time I had it. Sometimes I don’t know what dreams may have any real meanings whereas other times I get a distinct feeling right away that it means something.

The bad feeling I’ve had for when she’s 62 was never a dream but just a feeling, a vibe, or whatever you want to call it. I can’t say what it is, but I have a very faint feeling it may be heart-related. Can’t swear to that one, though. I only know something big is likely to happen within the next year and it’s likely not good. I wish I could say I had a hit-or-miss accuracy rate, but unfortunately, I don’t. Tammy’s had enough shit, so “good” at this or not, I’m going to hope for the best.

My book Heart of the Forest is now on Kobo, so that makes 12 books! The editing and submission of Rainstorm is next.

Been having triple-digit weather and even I’m getting a little tired of the heat. How did I handle the desert all those years? I guess I was younger and skinnier. Made for a nice swim earlier, though. This may very well be our last triple-digit day of the year.

The clubhouse and the parking lot by the pool were packed, so something was going on there. The good thing about that is that it keeps people out of the pool so we can have it to ourselves. There was just one lady there that we’ve seen before and she left not long after we got there.

We saw the Twenties parked there and when I mentioned them being social butterflies, Tom said, “Nothing wrong with that.”

That’s right. There is nothing wrong with that. Neither is choosing to be friendless or close enough to it as we do. As Tom said, too many bad experiences in the past are why he is the way he is. Same here. I’ve got years' worth of journals full of entries about friends gone bad. I adore the few I have and I hope they’ll always be in my life, but for the most part, I really do believe there’s more bad out there than good and it’s important to be careful. It isn’t just that. Even if everyone was wonderful, I don’t feel the need to have a large circle of friends like many people do.

It’s people like Andy who feel the need to judge others for not being like they are or “normal” that I have a problem with, but that’s part of why I’m not a people person. I may not be perfect myself - far from it - but there are too many liars and narcissistic, selfish, intolerant and controlling people out there, not to mention those who aren’t right in the head, which can be the trickiest to deal with, especially if they’re delusional. If someone accuses you of spreading a rumor about them, for example, even if you know damn well you didn’t, you can tell them you didn’t, but you can’t make them believe you.

The funny thing is that I make friends rather easily for one who prefers to stick to herself. I’m just selfish that way, I guess. I like to spend most of my time on Tom, my pets, and myself. :-)

Finished up the laundry and changed both the rats’ and pigs’ cages. The digital shopping list is next.

Feeling a little off tonight, though I don’t know if anxious is the right word to describe it.

Alyssa put on a new profile picture of her and her family and where most babies are an ugly mass of fat and wrinkles, hers is cute. Getting more convinced she’s not reading anything I send so unless I’m incredibly bored, I don’t know that I’ll continue sending my life updates.

Had a dream about my cousin Phil which put him on my mind. He and a girlfriend had a house and I stayed with them for a few days. When I left, I came back for something I had forgotten a day or so later while they were out. Finding the glasses I left in the spare bedroom upstairs, I started down the stairs when I heard Phil come in and thought he would be upset with me for entering the house when no one was home. Instead, he called out my name happily and I told him I had come for stuff I forgot.

Even though it’s going against my do not reach out to those who don’t give a shit rule, I messaged him even though I don’t expect a reply. I do miss him at times, though. He was sort of like a big brother to me.

Noticed that Dixie has been a lot quieter so I sent an email and will see if I get the few paragraphs I used to get or just brief responses like “nice pics” and “thanks for the update” with nothing else about herself, Diane or politics, as that might tell me something if I do. Remember those delusional people not quite right in the head I mentioned? Well, I’m not saying she’s one of them because I don’t know her that well, but I’m usually a pretty good enough judge of character to get a general sense of what one may or may not be capable of when I meet them and let’s just say that Dixie strikes me as much more likely to get accusatory over something totally imaginative or misconstrued than people like Bob and Virginia would. Again, not saying that’s the case and I can’t imagine why she may be avoiding me if she actually is, but that’s the problem with the mentally unstable; they’re as unpredictable as they are predictable. Anything can be a problem for them at any time, real or imagined. I’ll wait and see what she says, though, before I assume too much.

Starting this entry in the waiting room of my dermatologist’s office and therefore, I’m typing one finger at a time. I hate it too, but I’d be bored just sitting here so I’m doing it to pass the time. I’m amazed anyone would prefer this over the convenience of voice typing! It’s just so much easier to keep up with my thoughts that way, especially when I have lots to say. Hell, I can write by hand faster than this. but…to each their own. :-)

Lol, I just skyped Tom who’s sitting next to me and saw it pop up on his phone.

Okay, I’ve had enough of this one-finger typing. I’ll finish the entry with my voice later.

Later…

My appointment went well. Didn’t have to wait long and wasn’t there long, since she just took a quick look and yes, everything looks much better.

She gave me a copy of the pathology report I never received in the mail confirming that I don’t have a thickening membrane which is consistent with LS and all that. Had the fucking doctors diagnosed me correctly half a decade ago, it would have been discovered that it was some kind of contact irritation and I wouldn’t have over-treated it with the wrong stuff, making it worse. Even the Aquaphor barrier the GYN recommended isn’t good because it contains lanolin, something that some people are allergic to. I don’t think I am, but I don’t know for sure since I was using it when I was having problems. I don’t want to take a chance and ever use it again. She recommended Desitin if I want to use a barrier.

I’m going to keep on doing what I’ve been doing and hope I stay better. She said, however, that if I have any problems in the future or get any kind of rashes, they can put a patch on me that looks for the top 36 irritants, but I think I’ll be fine. I hope so anyway! I’m still too young to have all the damn appointments I’ve been having, even though they have been slowing down and should be even slower with just 6 appointments a year for the basic things, PCP, dentist, ENT, eye exams.

It’s my buddy and her significant other I’m worried about. Never have I known anyone that young to not only have so many appointments but also have to go to the ER and Urgent Care. Last time I had to deal with ERs was in my mid-20s when I had kick-ass asthma attacks. Quitting smoking was definitely one of the best things I ever did. It’s sad to see anyone suffer, but so young? Really hope they get a break soon!

Using the Healthy Hoof nail and cuticle cream that contains the same formula they use on horse hooves to help keep those areas soft and healthy. Maybe I should use them on my toes as well even though I don’t usually have that many cuticles.

We stopped at McDonald’s on the way back where he got a burger and I got chicken nuggets and fries. I ate like I hadn’t eaten in years. It was a nice treat since I rarely let myself have fried or processed stuff anymore.

I got both the paint-by-numbers I ordered and started a little of the rainy park scene, but I think I’m going to do the ballerina first. I already got a good chunk of the sky started.

They even have color-by-numbers. I definitely prefer working with pencils and markers as opposed to paint brushes, and sometimes I like to use my own imagination while other times I like to go by a specific guide or example.

I was psyched to discover that Word has its own built-in text reader that highlights the words as it reads them. I’ve been wanting something like this for a while and I’m sorry it took me so long to discover this wonderfully handy feature. I like how it starts reading wherever I set the cursor instead of automatically reading from the beginning or having to highlight what I want it to read. The pages move down too, as it reads through them. So, I can always see what it’s reading which is helpful for anything but especially stuff you plan to publish. I’m still fine-tuning Heart of the Forest and it should be out there within a week for no one to buy. I’m going to have to email them and ask if I’m doing anything wrong, even though everything looks right to me.

I got to thinking about it and while I was excited at the prospect of getting out of here in a year or two and living in the country somewhere in New Mexico or Nevada till he turns 70 and then finishing our lives in Florida, I really don’t think that would be wise. First of all, I can’t see us able to get out of here before he’s at least 66. He can’t retire till he’s 66.5 which means he’s got almost 4.5 more years to go. So, unless there’s money in our near future that neither of us can see, I really don’t see us getting out of here before 2024. Even if he’s right about making a few hundred dollars a month with apps, that’s going to take time to build up. That’s not something you can just do in a few weeks or even a few months. So, the smartest thing to do would be to just stay put and go to another park in Florida at that time. Then if he wants to work part or full-time until he’s 70…fine.

I may complain about all the noise, but this is what I’m used to and mostly all I’ve ever known as an adult. With the exception of barking, I wasn’t used to so much activity after living in Maricopa and then Auburn. But now this is what I’m used to. Landscaping, projects, traffic, planes, etc.

The only thing I want to do differently in the next place is get the bedroom further from the street. I’d also like to be on a street that doesn’t get nearly as much traffic. In the daytime, you’re lucky to go 5 minutes without something going by here and you’re lucky to go more than an hour or 90 minutes max in the middle of the night. It would be nice to get on some street that rarely gets traffic after dark.

The bulk trash collectors are late again. Was hoping they would come while we were out but why would they? Instead, they’ll come tomorrow and wake me up or annoy me if I’m already up.

Okay… In Deadly Women’s Cling Til Death, which is episode 4 of season 10, Candice DeLong specifically says that envy is defined as “I like what you have. I want it, too.” Jealousy is defined as, “I like what you have. I hate you for having it!”

That’s what I was taught these words meant, but I guess they differ in different regions. Not to change anyone’s way of using them, but this way people will know what I mean if I use them.

Looking forward to the 2 paint-by-numbers I ordered! they’re 20x16. One is Swans & Ballerina where a ballerina appears to be on pointe on a moonlit lake with the swans nearby. The other, Romance Under the Umbrella, shows a couple walking through a rainy park at night.

I transferred my coloring station to my big desk. I realized it was silly to use the dining table which has poor lighting when my desk is now empty.

Saved some YouTube vids on some rather unique and interesting ways to paint using different things like balloons, sponges, aluminum and Q-tips. Kind of like the idea of getting some canvases, paints and the black poster board I would need to do one of the paintings I saw in a vid but hobbies do cost money, so we’ll see. Will start with the paint-by-numbers and then one of the diamond paintings. I watched a video on how that’s done and it looks pretty simple. It should be easier than painting but not necessarily quicker, depending on how detailed the image is. You can get a partially drilled one where part of the image is filled in for you or you can get a full drill. I learned how to use the drill tool.

Traffic woke me up at 8 o’clock and I tried to get up then but I couldn’t. I should still be up in plenty of time for my appointment tomorrow. Tom will get me up if not, though.

When I got up I found a voicemail waiting for me from Dixie asking me to come down and help move an old computer out to the street for her because tomorrow is the bulk trash collection.

So about an hour later, after I’d had my coffee and a chance to wake up, I took a walk down in what’s getting to be a very hot day. someone beat me to it and brought the computer out for her. It would have been nice if she called back to let me know, but she was kind enough to give me some extra celery she got from Sam’s to give to the pigs.

Oh, yay! Just heard from Tammy, who isn’t great with picking up messages right away, LOL. She said she hasn’t slept since her surgery yesterday so she’s going to try to catch some Z’s now. Hopefully, she’ll find relief this time around!

Ask is back to their usual shit with me. This time it’s a pop-up with a robotic voice claiming my Mac is infected, and I can’t get rid of it unless I close my browser. So they know who I am. I don’t understand why they don’t just ban users whose questions and answers they don’t like. Instead, they have to troll them. They haven’t figured out Aly yet because she still hasn’t had any problems and she’s had her current account for a while. Really, though, if you want certain questions and answers on your site, why not just write them yourself? Well, they got what they wanted and that’s to get rid of me because I won’t even go to their site to read other people’s Q&As. For now, I’ll be back on CC.

Yesterday I told Tom he’d have to give me cash, since I’m not used to using credit cards, in case Dixie ever wants to go out to lunch. He told me I should have a lot of cash in my purse, but I thought I was all out.

“No. You only gave me $5 to pay for parking when we saw Dr. O. You should have a lot of cash.”

So I checked one of the inner pockets in my purse, and sure enough, he counted $78 of cash which I pulled out.

Then something funny hit me and I said, “Imagine having $78 in my purse less than a decade ago and being able to simply forget about it?” LOL

Me and my fucking memory issues, though! I used to have a pretty good memory and I miss it. Oh, the joys of aging.

Last night I dreamed that instead of moving to Nevada or New Mexico and going rural until he hit 70 and we hit Florida, we went back to our Maricopa house instead. We’d never step foot in that state, but we were there in the dream, nonetheless. The master suite and living room looked like it did for real, but the back of the house looked different. Tom’s bedroom was in back and there was a regular door off the kitchen.

A serial rapist had been stalking the area and when Tom went to bed one evening he told me not to go outside and to stay indoors where I would be safe.

“Believe me, I’m not going out there where some guy could sneak up on me with a knife or something.”

Later I was going to email him and tell him how much I loved it there and was so glad we returned, and to please get me up at a certain time.

But then a storm picked up and I noticed the back door wasn’t very secure. It wasn’t pushing the door all the way open but it was close to where it was cracked. I told myself not to worry about it and that Tom could secure it soon enough.

The lights were off and I looked out the front windows at the shadows moving about in front, only the land sloped upwards instead of downwards like it did in real life.

Then the neighbors, who were much closer than in real life - if I didn’t have bionic vision - pulled into their driveway. It was a married couple. Somehow, the guy saw me through the dark and the distance and reached out a hand in my direction in a way that I perceived as threatening. Infuriated, I made a “come on” signal with my hands, gesturing for him to dare come over.

I love how we can just look up almost anything on the internet these days. Like a good way to roast potatoes. It’s pretty simple. You just cut them up, throw them in a bag, add a little oil and garlic salt, shake it all up, and bake them at 450 degrees for 20 minutes. It just would have been better if I had remembered to spray the tin foil I put them on so they wouldn’t stick. They still came out good. Making them this way makes them take longer to eat and seem like more than just one potato.

Also, putting avocados in a brown paper bag definitely makes them ripen faster. Last week I got avocados on a Friday and couldn’t eat them till Tuesday. Yet now I’m already able to eat the avocados we got two days ago. Good thing I put some in the refrigerator.

The avocado tool was a waste but then it wasn’t. It splits the avocado easier than a regular knife but the pitter and slicer are crap.

What was a waste of money was the blending pen I got for my art and coloring. It softens the colors but does not blend them.

I took a walk down and visited Dixie for an hour and a half. That lady sure loves to talk. :-) Exchanged hellos with Bob and Virginia on the way back. They were sitting on their patio.

I also exchanged hellos with the black woman next to Dixie who she said got mad at her for whatever. I’m still not clear what that was about because Dixie has memory issues and can get kind of contradictory. First, the woman got mad at herself for not being able to figure out something about her TV and then at Dixie for yelling at Diane. Her “yelling” was actually her calling to her down the hall and I guess the sound carried through the open window. The houses are close and Dixie can hear the woman on the other side doing dishes early in the morning when the windows are open.

The impression I get is that the black woman (I don’t know her name), along with Santa/Grandpa, doesn’t really care for her. But Elaine, on the other side of her and whom I think I remember working out with at the clubhouse, does visit every now and then.

She talks about the condo she lived in here in town for 30 years and seems to really miss it. Her disability caused her to have to get something at ground level, so that’s why she moved here.

I’ve never actually gotten a good look at Diane because one time she was sitting behind the counter and the other in the car. Dixie says she has very big feet and legs and has a hard time walking. Scoliosis, I think is what she said she has.

While Dixie adores her, she describes her as getting smart and sassy at times much like a rebellious teen, not wanting to do things to help out, etc.

I’m glad Kim only blogs (that I know of) when Camp NaNoWriMo is going on. That way I don’t always have to feel obligated to comment on her journals which are pretty much only about Sara and June.

I don’t get why different people have different definitions for the words envy and jealousy. I was always taught that jealousy is worse than envy. Jodi Arias’s motive is listed as jealousy on Wiki. Also, on Deadly Women, the former FBI profiler speaks of untamed envy that isn’t quelled possibly turning into jealousy and becoming dangerous.

Yeah, that’s what I was taught. If you say you envy someone for something, you’re saying the same thing as “I wish I had that” or “I wish I could do that.”

Jealous people not only want what someone else has, but they also don’t want the person who has it to have it. Instead of feeling happy or glad when someone succeeds, they’re angry and don’t want them to have what they have if they can’t have it, too. Right?

I guess it’s different in different regions just like when you say you want to jump someone in the west vs in the east. In the West, you’re saying you want to have sex with them. In the East, you’re saying you want to kick their ass.

Anyway, I’m envious of those that can make money doing what they want. I totally believe without a doubt that something up there doesn’t want me making money. It wouldn’t have put the CRD curse on me if it did, would it? I can’t sell a single book. Not one single fucking book. Fuck life not being what we plan it! Why shouldn’t I be able to make at least a few hundred lousy bucks a month writing?

So I was going to say “fuck it” and delete my books. Why work at what can never be? Yet they don’t make it easy to unpublish your books. First, you have to unlist them, some of which can’t be unlisted because they’re included in certain membership benefits, and then you have to contact them. So Amazon and Kobo are opposites. Amazon makes it tough to publish stuff, but easy to take your shit off their shelves. It’s just the opposite with Kobo.

I guess I’ll continue the editing and publishing because it’s what I like to do anyway and just not expect any money to be made but another way of backing stuff up instead in what’s a unique and fancy way. I’m not going to schedule any books for pre-order either.

I’m both pleased and surprised that I haven’t heard the mama’s boy since last weekend. I was totally expecting the bastard to return this weekend. Something really bad had to have happened. Something like totaling his car, getting arrested, or getting seriously ill or injured.

The dark spots on my nails have faded but they’re still pretty noticeable. While I know it’s nothing serious, I’m curious as to what it may be, so I’m going to ask Amy her opinion. It’s got to be either a stain or a fungus. There really isn’t anything else it could be. They’re definitely not infected.

We went to Walmart this morning and shopped to the usual blasting music that always annoys the fuck out of me.

I’m thrilled that the more I have avocados, the more it looks like, in spite of my Hashimoto’s, age and shitty genetics, I shouldn’t have to worry about ever hitting the 160s. I can just stay in the low 150s indefinitely - yes! Totally awesome, and hey, I like avocados.

They sure aren’t kidding when they say that processed foods can make you gain weight because for variety I got a small pizza and it’s already jacked me up a couple of pounds. No problem. I’ll simply avocado them back off. :-)

Not going to cut meat out for another week since I won’t be going to the lab until the week of the 6th. so I’ve got some tilapia, party wings, and a few beef patties for variety. Tom can have some of the beef. The only processed items I have are the creamer I put in the single cup of coffee I have each day and my kiddy Go-Gurts.

Yesterday I started to feel kind of wound up but nothing significant came of it. Therefore I’m going to go on with my full pills twice a week for the rest of the month.

On Tuesday I’ll probably pick up some Merlot at Rite Aid to help me sleep before my Wednesday appointment with Amy.

Ugh, the planes are back to bordering on annoying today. They’re not as loud as they used to be, but come September I wouldn’t be surprised if they were back to driving me crazy, especially in the early mornings and at night.

Ordered a variety of K-cups… French vanilla, cinnamon, caramel, butter toffee, blueberry vanilla, maple syrup, hazelnut, and butter pecan.

Also, a 3-in-1 avocado tool that splits, pits and slices avocados, a cute little avocado keeper, and a 0-calorie butter spray for my air-popped popcorn.

He got a tablet for drawing graphics for his apps, plus his CoQ10.

Tom has lost 9 lbs since he began dieting a few weeks ago. I’ve lost 2 but this is all I’m able to lose. The good news is that avocados definitely seem like they’ll keep me from gaining weight as long as I have one a day. I can live with that! :-) The 150s isn’t that bad when you consider how many people are over 200, and the fact that a lot of my weight is muscle.

We went to Sam’s earlier and stocked up on produce. Last night I downloaded a convenient shopping list app and it’s definitely easier to tap the boxes to check off what I got rather than scratch off a list. It’s a handy tool for sure.

Heard from Dixie who just got a Fire Stick and is excited to get Netflix and become a Prime member and all that. We still like Netflix but lately, we’ve been enjoying Hulu more. They even started remembering where I left off if I don’t watch something all at once.

Moved my office back into the bedroom because there were just too many distractions in the living room. Sound definitely gets in that room easier with all those big windows. Constant landscaping, car doors slamming, and then there’s Geri the company junkie. That woman can’t go more than a day or two without company and I swear every single vehicle that visits is loud, too. There were three vehicles there yesterday and I saw a husky sticking its head out the window of one of them. Fortunately, I didn’t have to hear it.

Bob said Ralph’s house has sold so we’ll soon know what we’re in for where that’s concerned.

I was stunned to see a house by the lake for sale for $215,000. Yeah, only in Cali will you find a nearly quarter-million-dollar manufactured home. It’s got a full lake view but I doubt they’ll get that much for it.

If there’s anything I hate, it’s struggling for what isn’t meant to be. That is just so exhausting, pointless and frustrated. Learned that a long time ago. Therefore, since I’m obviously not meant to be an author for whatever reason - maybe I’m not good enough - I’m probably going to be pulling my books off of Kobo and writing for my own enjoyment only from now on. There are just way too many books out there despite all the people that claim they hate to write and that can’t write well, etc.

Aly asked how much my books were going for yesterday when I told her how disappointed I was by the lack of sales, but I know it’s not because she’s interested in getting any. If she was interested, or anyone else was, they would have gotten something by now.

I can’t get a single person to buy my books. Not a single person. Very discouraging. Makes me feel like I’m not good enough to be an author and maybe I’m not. Even though it doesn’t cost anything I may pull my books off of Kobo and just write for my own enjoyment. Why struggle for what isn’t meant to be?

Didn’t sleep all that great last night because I was up a long time and I only slept about 6 hours, if even that. Canceled my visit with Dixie and she understood. Besides, she has other obligations. They’re coming to install railings along her front walkway.

Avocados still seem to help keep my weight stable and they even quell hunger to a degree. I think I might try having half an avocado at the beginning of my day and a half at the end of my day.

Still going to wait to polish my fingernails which seem better, but knowing that the toe fungus won’t go away completely without medication I won’t take, I decided to polish those. Polished toes definitely look better than bare/fungus toes! So great to have polish on again! Some dancers said they felt “naked” without gloves. Well, I’m totally naked without my polish!

I always said there’s no magic food for weight loss, especially for me, but I’m wondering if avocados might at least make it harder to gain. Just something I discovered accidentally. Been looking for high-protein foods to replace the meat I’m eventually going to phase out of my diet and since I don’t want to have eggs because they’re high in cholesterol, avocados were one of the things I chose besides nuts.

Anyway, after having avocados for breakfast for a few days, I noticed my weight was down a little. Dixie said she lost weight after eating a lot of pistachio nuts. Wanting to see if there were other claims of weight loss connected to pistachio nuts, I investigated a little online, and when researching recommended foods, avocados was one of the ones that came up. There was a study done in which a group of people who had avocados while dieting lost more weight than those who didn’t include avocados and their diet. Also, they took a group of people who had lost weight and had half of them eat avocados and half of them not eat them. Those that didn’t, regained their lost weight. I don’t think it will make me lose much weight but it might make it easier to stay around where I’m at.

Tom and I were discussing this interesting article which I forwarded to Aly about antibiotics being linked to weight gain since people didn’t really start gaining weight until they were discovered about a century ago. Even though I’ve only had antibiotics once since the 90s for an infected tooth, they’re in everything. The animals we eat were fed them. They say they’re a long way away, but that someday they might be able to give people a pill that kills the microbes and bacteria that build up in the stomach and makes it easier to gain weight. I do believe there will be a breakthrough in the obesity epidemic, but probably not in my lifetime. For now, I’m glad I’m a little bit overweight and not obese. If I was one who hated to work out, it could have been a lot worse for me.

Lately, I’ve been starting to think that things have been a little too good to be true and I’m trying not to think that way. It’s just that so many things don’t usually go so well for me, so I’m trying not to worry that it may be the calm before the next storm, whatever that may be. If anything, these should be seen as rewards for all the shit I’ve been through. But yeah, all of a sudden a lot of things seem to be falling into place and going really well.

I finally find the off switch for my anxiety.

I’m right on the verge of finally hitting menopause.

I meet what seems to be a really good in-person friend that I would feel more comfortable running to if the anxiety were to return than I would anyone else around here that I’ve known for years.

His programming looks more promising.

My TMJ has been better.

I discovered something that helps my toenails better.

I’m sleeping better.

My skin issues are virtually gone.

And now I may have found something to help control my weight.

Now all we need is something to help control this maddening landscaping frenzy! OMG, yesterday and the day before it was absolutely horrible with between 4 to 6 rounds of it each day. Sometimes the same sections were being done and I’m like, how many fucking times can you cut the same blade of grass? How many times can you blow the same damn leaves? How many times can you trim the same branches? It was horrible. I don’t know that I can stand to work in the living room during the daytime because you hear things so easily in there. I love the big screen but I’ll probably just take my laptop into the bedroom during those times. Again, you would think by now I would be used to it after 6 years but it’s still very annoying and distracting, especially when I’m trying to concentrate on something. Definitely miss living where landscaping sounds were once a week or less. Instead, it’s nearly every day all year round.

Tom saw the nurse practitioner on the way to work and will see the doctor next month. He said there wasn’t any waiting time and it was an American nurse he saw. Everything was good.

During a free moment yesterday, I went back to that video chat, and I don’t know why I was expecting anything different because the first guy wanted to cum all over my glasses which is a definite first. Gross as hell, but something I never heard before. After Mr. Original but Disgusting, the second one immediately focused on my large and exercise-lifted boobies, so I think I will definitely pass on that site, LOL.

I know the last time I wrote about that place I referred to some people as sluts, but I think “pervert” would be a more appropriate word. To me, a slut is someone who sleeps around a lot and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as they’re having fun and it’s all mutual. Never saw the “sin” in playing the field as long as no one gets led on or hurt in any way.

I’m happy for Aly who starts a job as a kindergarten aide next week and after 90 days she’ll have full benefits. Cam isn’t doing well, though. He’s been depressed and in pain.

The fact that I’m cold in a 77° room and my hair is falling out a lot makes me think I’m pretty hypo. But the rate of speed my hair and nails are growing says otherwise. Really hope my TSH isn’t over 20, 25 at the very max!

My goal is 3 puzzle walks a day (when I’m not outdoors), which will total 30-45 minutes on average.

Slept pretty well the last time around on nights and I think it’s mostly because that fucking car hasn’t been around much lately. I’m sure it isn’t by choice on the part of the slacker’s and that it will be back soon enough, but I’m really enjoying it while it’s gone. There is still plenty of loud traffic, but that car is absolutely ferocious.

Menopause is now exactly two months away! I really hope I make it! It will definitely be an unapologetically emotional day for me not so much because I’m done with periods but because I survived the worst hell of my life. What I went through physically was worse than every single cold, flu, ache and pain I ever had all rolled into one, and what I went through emotionally was worse than all my depressing, frustrating, infuriating and downright terrifying days combined. I was literally tortured to hell and back and if there is any God up there that sat back and allowed it to happen, that alone is grounds for never forgiving it.

The only thing that worries me is… What’s next? I only seem to get a year or two off between crises, so I worry about what may lie beyond, even though nothing can possibly be as bad or worse. If it’s worse, it’ll kill me for sure.

When I think about how the punk hasn’t been around and finally meeting someone who just may turn out to be a good in-person friend, I wonder if we’re closer to the end than I realize. Could we really be out of here in just a year or two? I mean it doesn’t seem likely when I look at it realistically. Besides, that car is coming back sooner or later to make its 1-2 daily trips a day in and out, and Dixie isn’t someone I absolutely have to have as a neighbor. There are other Dixies out there, anyway. I don’t know if there’s another cyber friend like Aly, but there are other good neighbors even for us, believe it or not. Yeah, Bob and Virginia have really turned out to be the first good neighbors we ever had together. So it took 20 years of being together to finally get good neighbors. The point is I don’t have to have Dixie in my life, and the car’s absence is only temporary, so I guess I shouldn’t read anything into it.

The discoloration in my nails seems to have faded a bit, though I do have a dent in the thumb. I showed Aly a pic of it and she thinks it’s the nail and not underneath.

Spent an hour and a half at Dixie’s place yesterday morning, and she really is turning out to be a good friend. I waited till I heard and saw the Pride bus come and pick up Diane, then I went down to see her.

While we munched on bowls of watermelon, I showed her the ropes when it came to using her Android. It’s not the exact same model as mine but similar enough. I felt really smart being able to show her all I showed her, even though most people know this stuff, LOL. But she didn’t even know how to answer a call and I had to show her by calling her on my own phone. I showed her what the icons were for, how to text, and take pictures. I showed her a few other things as well but didn’t want to overwhelm her with too much at once when she has enough memory issues as it is.

Given that she’s already had problems with two neighbors and her own daughter hasn’t spoken to her in nearly a year, one might think that should raise a red flag, yet I really do feel comfortable with her and like I can be myself without judgment. As anyone who knows me knows, any toxic drama, lies and getting selfish and demanding drives me away and I prefer to avoid those who are mentally unstable in the way a few people I could name have been known to be. Although Dixie doesn’t often have anything positive or funny to say, she doesn’t bring me down or come off as depressing. I don’t mind when she swears and she doesn’t mind when I do, and we seem to have similar interests and beliefs.

I asked her if she had any kids of her own and she does have a daughter. Dixie’s been married three times, and her daughter, a retired schoolteacher, married a rich guy and has changed ever since. According to her, she just doesn’t have time to bother with her mother and other people since becoming wealthy. That’s the impression I get, anyway. Sometimes she’s a little hard to understand not because she has any speech impediments or a strange accent, but she doesn’t always stay on topic. She seems to be easily distracted so she doesn’t always make herself clear.

In a previous visit, she said something about being careful who she says what to so her words don’t get twisted. Yesterday she said she already got the black woman next to her upset with her, but the answer she gave me as to why made no sense. Something about her helping her to install something for her TV and then getting angry that she couldn’t figure out how to do it. At least I think that’s what she was saying, but then Dixie said something about telling her, “Well, I didn’t tell you you had to do this,” so I don’t know. I never met the woman. I saw the lower part of her when she was out watering some trees that divides the properties. We were sitting in her dining area and could see her just beyond the carport.

She calls Santa Grandpa and started to say something negative about him or maybe some problem she had with him but wouldn’t really get into it and I didn’t want to pry and seem nosey. After all, it’s between her and whoever.

I learned some interesting things about some of her family as well. She has a brother and a sister who committed suicide. I was surprised to hear this but didn’t ask why for the same reasons I didn’t push her on Santa/Grandpa.

She has a famous niece as well. I never heard of her because I’ve never been into the soaps. Andy would know who Sherilyn Wolter was, though. She was on General Hospital in the 80s and lives in Hawaii on the Kauai Island.

Then we got to talking about health issues and she too, is on Levothyroxine and has had the same booming heart problem with it when they first raised her dose from 50 to 100.

Speaking of that, I’ve decided to start taking 75 twice a week. Then, if I continue to have no issues with anxiety, the next month I’ll make it three times a week and keep going up until it’s every day. There’s no doubt that other brands caused some of my anxiety, but this will tell me if the dose is still an issue or not, especially if I ramp it up slowly. I hope not! I would really love to give my body as much of the thyroid hormone it needs.

I was telling Dixie that I need statins but am afraid to take them and she too is wary of medication. According to her, however, she has a brother who’s a pharmacist and he says as long as your triglycerides and good cholesterol are good, you don’t need them, and she’s had high cholesterol all her life. This is nice to know, though I don’t remember if my good cholesterol or triglycerides were bad or not. Pretty sure my bad cholesterol was bad, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not taking statins.

Perimenopause was a nightmare for her as well. Can’t remember much else as far as what we talked about other than that she attends AA meetings and Diana collects stuffed animals, though I didn’t see the collection which I’m guessing was in her room.

A few days ago, furniture was moved from Dusty’s house and now it’s for sale, as I expected it to be. So that makes two houses I have to hope don’t have loud vehicles or lots of loud company/projects. But the woman Dusty cared for didn’t die. Bob said her name was Tina and that she went to live with her sister in Idaho.

Said hello to Jim the other morning who has been walking with a tall, slim, long-haired brunette lately. Don’t know who she is. I’m never close enough to get a sense of her age. I get the feeling she’s not his wife, so maybe a daughter or caretaker.

Now for a nail update. I sent Aly a picture to get her opinion. Tom and I are thinking it’s some kind of chemical contact stain. It doesn’t seem the right color for fungus, and I’m not even sure if it’s the nail or the nail bed. Tom thinks it’s the nail.

There’s no pain or tenderness which rules out a bacterial infection, but I doubt it’s melanoma because a dark stripe usually signals melanoma in the nails (this is more like a dark stain) and I don’t think you would have that in multiple fingernails at once. They almost look bruised. There’s definitely no stripe. They’re just dark spots, but I’m not worried as it will probably grow out or fade.

I read online that vinegar is good for nail fungus so I soaked my big toe which definitely has a type of fungus because this is a yellowy-white color instead of the brownish-purple like what’s in my fingernails, and I was amazed at the difference it made. Maybe this will be more effective than the stuff I’ve been brushing on. The brush-on stuff helps, but ever so slowly.

Today is one of those days where I’m reminded of why I don’t usually like to work in the living room during the daytime. Lots of doors slamming. Some van is at Trisha’s and I guess they’re working on something. Would it really be so hard to leave their damn doors open while they’re at it instead of going back and forth slamming them every few minutes?

Got these mysterious dark spots on my left thumbnail as well as my ring and middle fingers. Noticed the ring and middle fingers yesterday and this is through 2 coats of hot pink nail polish. Noticed the thumb about a week ago but thought it was discoloration from nail polish. It’s probably nothing, though it’s too soon to say exactly what it is. Could be linear melanonychia which is just excessive pigment. Subungual melanoma is what you definitely don’t want to have, of course. I’ll know more when I remove my polish in about a week, but today I noticed that the thumbnail is no longer flat. There’s a slight dent where the coloration starts. Doubt it’s anything to worry about, even though it would be just my shit luck to finally get my health (and my sanity) back on track just to have a whole new problem begin.

If I can get past August 21st without a period, I will be breaking my 10-month record. Exciting! 63 days till menopause! It’s even more exciting when you went through one of the worst cases of perimenopause one could suffer.

Nothing’s as exciting as the continuing success of my medication experiment! Definitely gotta stick to the brand I’ve been taking, but keep under 75mcg forever? I don’t know that one yet, but I’ll find out soon enough.

My stomach shrunk more than I realized it did. In making a point of having non-processed foods, I’d been craving pizza, even though it’s not my favorite cuisine. So we grabbed a pizza to share when picking up some things at Walmart and I was so hungry and eager to have some variety that I thought I could eat at least half of it. But after two pieces I was stuffed as hell.

We went to the park by our place, but I think I’m going to skip the parks from now on because people bring too many big dogs and most of them are allowed to run loose.

We’re going out for a half-hour walk soon, then later this morning I’ll take a walk down to Dixie’s.

He’s lost 7 lb so far on our diet and I’ve lost 0, which pretty much confirms I’m exactly where I need to be and am meant to be. That’s okay because I know that how we feel and the inches around our waist are more important than the numbers on the scale, and I’d say I’m not doing too bad for a 53-year-old. Plus, as he pointed out, he has 100 lbs to lose. I do not.

Going to leave my weight be and focus more on ingredients as I have been but I’m going to be doing this even more so as it gets closer to my next trip to the lab. My goal is to go vegan 6 days a week and focus on fruits, veggies, beans, grains, nuts and seeds. I’ll have a little pasta here and there and a small yogurt. Only on Sundays will I allow myself to eat meat.

The nailbed (or maybe the nail itself?) on about half of my left thumb is purplish. I’ve had it a while and at first I thought it was discolored from regular use of nail polish but it’s not. From what I Googled, it can be anything from melanoma to anemia to a lack of vitamin B12 to fungus. Doesn’t quite look the right color to be fungus and I highly doubt it’s melanoma because you usually have brown or black stripes with that. I think it just has to do with a shift in pigmentation.

Don’t know how old it is, but Becky got a three-bedroom, two-bath house at the base of the Organ Mountains in New Mexico for 125K. There are five outbuildings, including a workshop and a two-car garage and it’s on a parcel of land that’s just over two acres. She has fibromyalgia, arthritis, and mild lupus, so it was recommended that she get out of Connecticut and to a dry climate.

So happy for her! But wait till she learns the hard way that dogs aren’t considered pets in the West but live outdoor decor instead, and has to listen to non-stop barking, especially at night when sounds carry better. The country is still much quieter than the city, though. No daily traffic, no car door slamming, no projects, no planes, no loud traffic just a few feet away. Could be hunters and sonic booms, though.

I’m wondering if Ralph’s house sold because I don’t see any flyers stuck to the for-sale sign anymore. I just hope they don’t have a loud vehicle, excessive company, and aren’t project junkies!

The fish has been pretty funny lately. They like to chase things just like rats do. So every time I sit down to color, which is by his tank, he eagerly swims up in anticipation of playing the Chase the Colored Pencil game, LOL, that I drag across the outside of the tank.

Exchanged emails with Dixie who is happy to have my friendship, as she tells me. She says it’s interesting to learn about me like my coloring, and I had to laugh at that one and imagine just how “interesting” she’d find certain other things I’ve experienced, haha.

She and Diane are going to try to tackle some housecleaning this weekend, but it’s hard with her limp and she’s not liking the heat. I love every toasty second of it. :-)

Glad my bestie’s BF is home, but feel bad for him because he has to give up a job he enjoyed, and that’s rare. Most people hate their jobs.

Gonna email Tammy entries the same way I do Aly because it’s easier that way. All I have to do on a Mac in Safari is hit ‘ctrl I’ and the entry will automatically open in an email. Easier than copying/pasting to our group.

So last night’s dreams included one of me going to see Stacey. But instead of Stacey sitting and listening to me, she wasted our session talking to someone else. Finally, I got pissed and left the place after demanding my money back.

Then I had a dream we were living who knows where when people moved in across the street with a dog they left tied down on their patio yipping away. It was quite annoying and even more annoying to know that complaining wouldn’t do me any good other than to cause them to retaliate.

But then the houses became an apartment building and these new neighbors were over our place visiting. It was a couple with someone else living with them but I’m not sure who. The guy was talking about setting up his office in the hallway, something I was anything but glad to hear.

Having my desk right by the treadmill has not encouraged me to walk more, probably because I know I won’t get results. It will still make it much more convenient for when the weather gets too cold or too wet for outdoor walking to do puzzles while I walk. I’m taking tonight off because I usually take weekends off anyway. Can’t do just anything on a TM anyway. It’s really only good for things like puzzles, shows, and listening to books.

Going to the park at sunup and then to Walmart and then to Rite Aid.

Went for my walk and it was beautiful. A little cooler because I waited until later to go out. Beautiful cool breeze and only one skunk sighting. The app says I made the trip in 20 minutes but the route is wrong. I went the exact same way I went yesterday which I think was 25 minutes, but today’s route has a triangle shape whereas yesterday’s has a rectangle. Could have made it in 23 because the more I do this, the faster I get. I jogged some parts of it.

The only thing to spoil the peace was the usual nighttime annoyance…planes. These are the small ones that fly nowhere. One or two of them were circling around during a part of my walk. They’re nothing compared to the commercials, though, so it’s going to be a lot worse once those hit the scene again.

Just one message from Dixie this time. The Pride driver dropped Diane off and she asked him to carry in what she was sure was the watermelon she left outside. Instead, it was the sack of clothes. She thanked me and said she had some watermelon for me. I’ll have to let her know that by the time I get back there, it will be bad, but thanks for the offer. Will probably take a walk down Monday morning.

If she’s visited my blog, she’s not showing up on my tracker.

Since my 2009 story Forget It was too stupid to submit for publication, I thought my 2006 story Heart of the Forest would be even dumber, but so far it seems submission worthy for no one to buy. Running it through my text reader as I color.

His test app has been getting some downloads. It doesn’t count every single DL but in increments instead. He’s not sure when the “real” app will be ready. He’s been doing overtime again which means he has less free time.

I had this dream I was in a bathroom off of a large room and was just about to pee when a group of black bitches came barging into it. Then they stole some electronics that were in the large room, including a stereo system I really liked.

Then I had a dream about meeting Jessie at the home of Big Bird and his wife, but I was supposed to get there first. I even went a few days ahead of Tom. The adult me got to know the now older Mrs. Spinney, only in the dream, Mrs. Hall was still Mrs. Spinney. So it was Barbra, not Deborah.

Once Tom arrived, I told him that “all the birds were there,” even though there was only one Big Bird. He and I were sitting at a table with his ex-wife who was his current wife in the dream, as I said, and I said that not too long ago I had a dream that Mrs. Twitter (referring to her) did such and such a thing. it was later that I realized calling her Mrs. “Twitter” was a mistake.

Not much to update on other than that I had a warm but pleasant evening walk for a half-hour (no skunks), and I might have made a mistake by befriending Dixie. Now, I have no problem with helping people when I have the time and if it’s in a way I can help them. Everybody needs help at times. I get that.

But did I really need to wake up to three voice messages and one email from her? I hate people that get too demanding and clingy. First she had computer problems and then she said she talked to someone who said it sounded like a virus. Then she wanted me to walk down there because there was a watermelon in her car that was too heavy for her to bring into her house. Well, how did she get it in the car in the first place?

I do appreciate that she invited me to come along to Sam’s with her but as I told her in my reply, we go every Saturday and that’s enough for us. She knows I’m not always on days so she’ll just have to wait till I’m available for whatever. Besides, up or not, I’m not always right by my phone or laptop.

One of the calls she made to me was from a cell since she wants to learn to do texting. I texted that number as well as sent email, so I didn’t blow her off or anything like that. In fact, I took a walk down at around 8:30 and didn’t see her sitting on her patio. Only the back corner of the place, which I’m guessing is Diane’s bedroom, was lit. While she probably would have gladly come to the door had I rang her bell, I didn’t want to disturb her if she was helping Diane with her shower or wake her up if she had already fallen asleep.

Since she’s skinny, I did leave a bag containing half a dozen or so items of clothing I’m too big for such as a few tops, a dress, a cover-up, and a few pairs of pants. I left those in a bag on her patio.

I was going to either email or visit her in a week or so and didn’t really expect to hear from her so soon but I’m guessing she’s just lonely and that Diane, as much as she may love her, really takes a bite out of her.

I don’t think she’ll turn on me or spite me in any way if she gets to the point where I have to put my foot down and tell her to give me some breathing space and I honestly can’t think of a way she could if she wanted to, so I’d say she’s definitely harmless. The woman can barely walk and thank God for that much or else she’d be pounding on my door. I’m also grateful that she’s four doors down and not one and doesn’t do social media, LOL. I did give her links to my books and blog and hopefully, I won’t regret that. Don’t really see how I could. In some ways, she kind of reminds me of Ellie but since I haven’t heard any crazy shit about the FBI spying on her by putting petroleum jelly in her vents, I’m not worried. She’s with it. Just pesky.

I think I have thrush developing again in my mouth since it’s been a while since I’ve had yogurt. Gargling with salt water and will definitely get some yogurt from Sam’s. Instead of Saturday, though, he’s going on Friday after work because they’re having a big sale on Saturday which will be too crowded at our usual time.

Since I’ll be up early in the morning this weekend, I’ll want to go to the park again.

I had “tropical” dreams but they made no sense and I don’t know where they were or if we were living there or vacationing there. A guy was swimming naked in a glass pool that was submerged in the ocean in one of them. Not just any guy either. You could tell he was a model or something like that. We must’ve been in a plane or helicopter because we flew over it, and looking straight down into the pool, I could see the sandbar underneath the glass bottom. Probably just spam dreams or another dimension. ;)

Aly passed my grammar “test” with flying colors. She’s dealing with health issues again but this time it’s on Cam, not her. He has spinal stenosis and collapsed at work with tingling and numbness in his lower back and hips. Then he was admitted to the hospital and had to have laser surgery to repair damaged nerves. If he doesn’t take it easy he may never walk again. Damn, and he’s barely pushing 40.

I was telling Tom about my visit with Dixie the other day and how it was a weird coincidence that someone with her name on Facebook was suggested to me right after meeting her. He said I probably mentioned her in a blog and that’s why, and then I remembered Aly mentioning something about algorithms. So I just have to blog about someone I can’t find on Facebook and maybe they’ll be suggested to me instead? I kinda like that idea!

There’s only one Dixie T on Facebook and the only thing I could find on her is that she’s younger than I thought…81. I really thought she was in the late 80s to early 90s. First I thought she was younger till she mentioned Diane’s age.

Pretty sure she doesn’t have any kids of her own from what I can see and that she would have mentioned them if she did. I’m guessing she was married at one point since she refers to Diane as a stepdaughter.

Dixie replied to my emails. I ended up sending two because in the second one, I told her I was unable to text her because the number she gave me is a landline.

She writes well. She said she had a difficult day and expected to have a rough time with Diane this evening because she hasn’t been wanting to take showers lately. She thinks it might be because the support bars are in a different place. Also, Diane has an obsession with bubbles every now and then and Dixie has to watch her so that she washes herself instead of plays.

LOL, I can see why she wouldn’t want to leave her alone for long, especially at night. That must be quite a handful for Dixie to manage since she can barely walk. It just seems like an enormous responsibility!

She said she enjoyed my company and our chats and that if I see her on her patio when I’m out walking, do stop by.

She said she would purchase one of my books this afternoon, but if she did, it’s not showing on my sales report. So if anyone’s been buying my books, either sales take time to show up or Kobo is ripping me off worse than Amazon.

My giant wind chime is too annoying even for me so I took it down. It was like a fucking gong going off out there. Wouldn’t be surprised if some of the neighbors could hear it as well. I’ll hang onto it and see where we end up. If we’re going to have a piece of land somewhere where I can hang it further from the house, I may take it. If not, I’ll hang it back out there before we go and let the next people decide what they want to do with it. Or maybe Dixie would like it.

Right after 8:30, I decided it was a good time to go out walking and then I saw a skunk across the street. I came back in and then I said, “I’m not letting these bastards control me.” So back out I went and I didn’t see any more skunks. There were still some people and traffic out which made me feel a little more comfortable as far as the skunks went. I know they don’t chase people but I don’t want to accidentally get too close to one when it’s harder to see at night and they could be in the shadowy sections of the park.

Ended up walking for about 25 minutes. I didn’t see Dixie on her patio on the way back but that’s okay. We don’t need to chat every single day and she knows I’m not overly sociable to begin with, even though she says I’ve been the friendliest in the 10 months she’s been here whereas most people just wave and say hello and that’s it.

I decided that my book Digital Confessions is too stupid for publication so I’m going through Forget It now.

Can’t remember much in the way of dreams other than proudly telling someone about my new Labrador.

Aly and Cam almost make me seem like I hardly have any appointments. Never have I known people in their 30s to have so many appointments, urgent care trips, ER trips, and hospital stays! Cam had numbness and tingling in his lower back and hips, collapsed at work, and Aly’s last message was that he was at the ER and may be admitted. Damn!

I’m starting to wonder if Aly really is still reading my journals that I email her, so I’m thinking I might do a little test and send her one asking which sentence sounds better for a story I’m editing or something like that and see if she replies.