I have a lot to update on, so, as exhausted as I am, I figured I would get it done while he's out donating. I was on track for a decent night's sleep and to sleep as long as necessary, until I had to wake up twice because my fucking mask slipped and started hissing, and then my stomach hurt. There was absolutely no reason my stomach should have acted up. Now that I got up about two hours earlier than I would have, I'm gonna have to crash earlier, which means I have to try to sleep through today's storms as well. I had just beaten them yesterday and thought I was home free. I should have known whatever was cursing my sleep would simply do something else.

I've got to figure out how to get this sleep curse off of me. We don't have the money to hire someone capable of lifting curses, so I need to figure out how to do it myself. Otherwise, it's going to be on me for the rest of my life, and a wide variety of usual and random things are going to continue to wake me up multiple times a night. I just want to close my eyes when I get into bed and not open them again until it's time to get up for one week. Just one fucking week! I still fear being pushed into a stroke and having other health issues because all these sleep disruptions can't possibly be good for anyone. This is part of why my blood pressure is high, and it affects cortisol as well.

I know it may sound crazy, but sometimes I think, why don't I just take the honor myself and have a reminder every couple of hours to wake up and disrupt my own sleep and beat it at its own game. Then at least my exhaustion will be my fault. But whatever's cursing it isn't going to give up on me that easily. I know it sounds crazy, like I said. Once I finally got free of the Phoenix freeloaders, for example, this strange urge to harm myself came over me. I didn't understand it at first, but then I realized that, hey, if it's in my cards to be abused, then why don't I just be my own abuser for once? I didn’t harm myself, though, of course. They weren’t worth it.

For a fleeting moment, I briefly entertained the thought of getting rid of everything we don’t absolutely need or want and just getting an old used RV, since I’m not allowed to sleep anyway, and getting the fuck out of here—figuring that even if we only got 30 or 40 grand for this place, and if we sold the RV and got a car there, we would still have money left over for the prefab kit, septic, solar, fences to keep dogs out, and any furniture and other necessities we may need.

But then a reality check quickly followed. I'd like the space around us, the money savings, and fewer planes, but first… it wouldn’t go this smoothly, and I don’t even have the energy to handle this much. Then there would be the barking sprees, shooting marathons, colder weather, and, of course, the sonic booms and monsoons would make up for the storms here. I won't get into the tarantulas and other desert goodies.

Millions of people live here with allergies, and I will too. I just can’t have shots. I’m gonna have to start sleeping elevated, even though I won’t like it. 

I think the earaches I’ve been having are caused by the CPAP, but he thinks it's allergies, even though my allergies have never presented that way before. I don't feel like I have an infection. My tinnitus has been a little worse, too. According to what I read, there are many reasons I could have this type of tinnitus. The good thing is that it's not pulsing, because then that could involve my heart.

On the way out to the lab to trade in shitty blood for shitty numbers, we saw them laying down gravel at Crazy Karen's old place. Toni said something about the park trying to buy it back.

Speaking of Toni, she's doing what I worried she would do and adding yet another threat to my sleep when I'm sleeping during the daytime. Knowing she can no longer drive, I figured there would be people coming to take her out nearly every day. I was in the kitchen when I heard two mighty thumps. She was picked up by someone in a black SUV. Being just a few feet away from our place, it really reverberates throughout the place.

Gonna have to open up the waterbed and see what's going on. I can't literally be losing water, but it sure feels like I am. More than likely, the case has stretched. It’s better than regular beds, but I regret getting a shallow, soft-sided one with tubes. I should have gotten a hard side with a deeper free-flow bladder. Yet every fucking time we start to get ahead, life happens. Shit comes up that costs money. That saying about the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer exists for a reason. Either way, I'll probably just have to add some water. I hope that's all I have to do. The foam could be breaking down, but I doubt it, because foam on waterbeds doesn't break down like foam on regular beds. We'll get in there later and find out.

Gave up on Zlip—at least I think that was the name of the app. There just wasn't much activity there.

I downloaded an app that may be fun. You're totally anonymous on the app and can say what you want—within reason, of course.

Surprised I have this much energy. I know it doesn't usually take just a day to pay off a sleep debt, and I didn't even sleep with the CPAP the whole time, although most of it I did. That could all change next time I sleep, though, and tomorrow could be like yesterday, where I’m exhausted. I love feeling more productive and in a better mood, but I'm sure I'll end up bored in the end when I've done everything there is to do for as long as I feel like doing it. I guess it's a trade-off like most things in life.

My teeth feel great after going back to an electric toothbrush. No more 30-second manual shortcuts in the name of saving money! From now on, it's two full minutes of electric power. However, my mouth still feels a little weird, particularly my tongue. Feels like I burned it. I used the prescription mouthwash—didn't make a difference.

Didn't sleep as badly as I thought I would. My sleep was a little fragmented during the first few hours, so I got up and moved the phone away from the bed. I started off sleeping without the CPAP and with a nose strip instead, thinking I was going to get thundered awake like crazy. And while I wasn’t snoring or having breathing issues, I didn’t feel comfortable continuing to sleep without the CPAP. Plus, I felt like I was getting one of those sleep apnea headaches, so I masked up and got back into bed. Luckily, I had perfect timing for once because I was still awake when a loud boom of thunder occurred. No power failures or anything, though. 

So I slept relatively well for the rest of the night with the exception of another nightmare. Funny, too, because I didn’t have cheese before bed, which is one of the things I read can cause nightmares. In the nightmare, I was being held hostage with other people in a building that had multiple stories. We were on the top floor, in the room next to the end of the hall, and there might have been half a dozen to a dozen of us. Tom wasn’t in the dream, and I don’t even know if I knew him. 

At one point, I was entrusted with the task of being brought into the room on the very end, next to the one where the rest of the people were, to order us all pizzas. When the pizza guy arrived, I quickly told him what was going on and asked that he call for help. In a split second, he was gone, and someone else—also a hostage—was in the room with me. The gunman suspected something was up, and although we put the chain on the door, he was shouting at us through the gap, and I feared he would force it open before help could arrive. That’s when I woke up.

This can’t be good. Between last night’s dream and the one before, I don’t see how that could be a good sign, but nothing unusual is going on at the moment. 

When I recently read that an enlarged tongue was a symptom of Hashimoto’s, I was surprised because I thought I knew all the dozens of symptoms, yet this is the first time I’d heard of that one. It makes me wonder if it’s connected to why and how I got sleep apnea, since my basic throat structure has always been the same. Still, I think age and weight gain are the most likely culprits, along with the fact that my sleep is cursed, of course.

I was thinking about it, and I miss having a Mac. The only feature I like better about Windows is that it’s easier to arrange the windows, but Mac has more features I miss, like being able to right-click on an image and automatically have it in the body of an email if I wanted to share it. I also liked its universal text reader and how convenient it was to have notes and calendars on the desktop, as opposed to Windows. Lastly, I loved being able to tag photos in files.

However, long gone are the days when we could just buy whatever we wanted spontaneously. There are so many things we want and could definitely use, but so little money to get them that we’re forced to prioritize. It takes time to save for just one thing, depending on its cost, and we never know what’s going to come up and set us back. Energy or not, I don’t see how we could ever be in a position to move unless we unexpectedly won money or sued someone. It’s not like we can save thousands of dollars a month.

Another fun-filled day of fatigue, but as I said, it's me. Used to it or not, I hope I get a break someday soon for the sake of my health. It's incredibly hard on my brain, and I can't think straight when I'm sleep-deprived, which could cause me to do something dangerous by accident. Handling basic everyday chores like cooking and cleaning becomes a real challenge. It will be days, though, before I'm sleeping late enough to beat the storms.

First there was the power failure. Then there was the thunder. Then there was acid in my throat again. Then there was my fucking nose again. Then I had to elevate myself. Then there was the kind of nightmare worth worrying about. We were living in some rural area and driving by a huge area that they were developing. A well was being drilled and making this loud beeping sound while it was at it. I said it would suck when they were done because that would mean more people and more traffic. There were narrow little ditches filled with water alongside the grassy-lined streets, with water deep enough to bury the car. For some reason, he stopped and turned around. Before I could say, “What are you doing?” or something like that, he got too close to the edge and we rolled off the little embankment and into the water. As the car filled with water in an instant, let's just say I knew we weren't getting out of that car alive.

Trouble's ahead.

Anyway, I'm utterly exhausted from being up and down and up and down like I was. I don't understand why my allergies are such a big deal here. Definitely want to get allergy testing after storm season, because energy/money or not, the more I think about moving, the less comfortable I am with the idea. Due to our ages, I'm just not up for taking risks anymore, and I don't want to go back to the barking and the sonic booms and whatever other surprises may await us. It may not be perfect here, and the house may be too small, but why not just enjoy this climate and having two bathrooms? If anything, we would have been in a place even smaller and had to deal with one bedroom and one bathroom indefinitely. This is while I wished to hell we had money to fence off our place to keep noisy dogs off our property.

I'm pissed at Yupp again because first I couldn't cash out to PayPal, and now they won't even let me cash out to my debit card. Tom thinks they ran out of money due to underestimating how many people would be interested in using them.

The only good thing I can say is that I slept without tape and didn't have any issues. AHI score still looks good.

Our Amazon accounts were all screwed up yesterday. As soon as we tried to log in, it would tell us to contact customer service. So, having to call another country to get help right here, as usual, we talked to a hard-to-understand woman in India, but she did help us. She also assured us we wouldn't be charged for the mask we returned.

I had a dream during my shitty sleep that I was telling someone we were so broke that we would have to apply for SNAP. Well, in real life, we're not eligible for SNAP, but we sure had a shitty week, as I would learn when I got up and Tom filled me in, thus explaining why I had that dream.

First, he wasn't able to donate because of bruises. Secondly, he is supposed to be eligible for a free exam and free eyeglasses post-cataract surgery, which the insurance company says he isn't eligible for, and therefore he filed a complaint with Medicare, because, as he tried to explain to them, it had nothing to do with insurance but with Medicare.

Lastly, we're probably going to have to pay for the full face mask we returned because they keep saying they didn't get it. If they're going to charge us for it, then they should send the damn thing back, even if I don't ever intend to use it.

Last night, his sleep was disrupted by painful leg cramps, although broken sleep doesn't seem to affect him like it does me. I expected my sleep to be disrupted by storms, but instead it was allergies that took the honors. First, I had to get up and take Claritin. Then I had to get up again to put a breathing strip on. Then I had to get up again to elevate myself with another pillow, something I don't prefer to do because that makes stomach sleeping pretty hard. But I was too stopped up to be lying flat in any position. I even slept on my back the last couple of hours and without tape, yet I didn't snore—probably because I was elevated.

So now I'm back to being tired with my next shot at having energy not for about a week, because that's how much longer I'll be sleeping during prime storm time. At least I won't get bored. That's the one thing I noticed when I had energy: I was able to do more, and eventually I would run out of things to do and get bored. Also, there are no guarantees the energy will return. The energy may have had nothing to do with anything I've been doing, but simply be a temporary reprieve from the CF, which can happen.

Nearly a week ago, I finished the VZ challenge, if I didn't mention it before, and now I'm back on my own ride, getting closer to North Macedonia. I'm roughly 40 miles from the border. After this, I have two more trips I created: one from India to the Thailand/Laos border, and then one from Alaska to here. I decided that, just like I started alternating between challenge rides, I would alternate between these rides as well.

Dyed my eyelashes black, and while it's definitely noticeable, it’s not quite as noticeable as I had hoped. Maybe I can touch them up some more later on and darken them in more. There's plenty of stuff left over, so if this turns out to last a while, then it was an excellent buy. This way, I don't have to put mascara on as much, which is messy and hard to do with shitty vision.

Today I felt almost the opposite of yesterday. I can't say I was cold at all, but I definitely don't feel like I'm burning up. I don't know—maybe feeling like I was on fire yesterday didn't have anything to do with my thyroid. I just hope that cutting my waiting time by 15 minutes like I did yesterday won't affect labs much, if at all.

I'm going easy on the vitamin D until it gets a little closer, although the barramundi fish I had provides 80% of the daily recommendation of vitamin D, so it's not like I should be that low on it. I've only got a few more days until I go to the lab, though. I just hope I'm not that hypo and that I'm at least under 10.

This was the first time I had barramundi fish, and it was okay, although it didn't really taste much like fish. I can see why they recommend it for those just getting into fish. I probably won't get it again, though, because I like my fish to taste like fish.

Slept better last night, and my AHI score is still good. Still no chipmunks either. The only problem is that if I flop onto my back—which I fortunately don't do very often—I might snore because 4 isn't that much pressure. I mean, it's still a fairly decent gush of air, but not like 10.

Once again I have fairly decent energy, and I have no idea why. Let's just say I'm not complaining! It could be that my CF is in temporary remission or one or more of the tweaks I've made. I'll eventually know just how much the CoQ10 may have a hand in it, because when I run out, I'm not going to get more right away. I want to see if the fatigue returns, if it doesn't return before I run out. If it does, then that's my biggest answer as far as giving me more energy.  That's my first guess, because it's hard to believe the CPAP is suddenly giving me energy, or that my thyroid is in range. Oh, to be able to tolerate being in range! But that's an 11-year dream destined never to come to fruition. Still, I think of how ballistic I'd go with happy tears if I saw numbers in green instead of red, and oh, I'm not gonna bother dreaming.

The only other problem with the CPAP is that it's giving me an earache in my good ear. I read up on what I could do about it, and I'll definitely do what's within my control. Since the pressure is already lowered, I will use my saline spray and maybe up the humidity a bit. It may be humid outside, but it's not humid in the house.

We did some research and found out something we didn't know before, and that's that if you fast before having your TSH tested, it tends to be higher. Well, I fasted before the last round of labs because of the lipid testing they did, so now I'm wondering if maybe my TSH was under 10 after all.

I feel like my TSH is finally dropping after all because, as of a few days ago, I noticed I wasn't as warm and I seemed to have more energy. Well, last time I slept, my sleep was fragmented as hell, and I woke up feeling like I was on fire, symptoms of high thyroid. The scale, however, says otherwise, so I don't know. I'll find out on the 11th. I already scheduled my appointment for Monday morning. I'm backing off on the vitamin D, though, because I don't want it dropping too much to the point where I'm a lot worse than just warm and having trouble staying asleep. I don't want to get to the point where I'm anxious and my heart is racing. It's good that I've learned more about it, though, so I can control it a little easier.

First, I thought I heard a thump wake me up. Then I had acid come up in my throat. Then I had some kind of shitty dream. Then the fucking mower woke me up. Then I just kept waking up seemingly every half hour to an hour. Amazingly, I'm not drop-dead tired like I would normally be after sleeping that shitty. So something is definitely increasing my energy levels. I guess it could be one or more of the following things: my TSH level, the CoQ10, the extra waiting time—although today I actually cut it to 15 minutes—the increase in vitamins, or the CPAP.

I decided not to sleep with mouth tape because I know air is likely to leak that way. Your mouth doesn't really have to be open for you to have leaks. If your lips are just ever so slightly touching, it can happen. Sometimes I might go to yawn or something like that in my sleep, and air could leak then.

Thought I would try a new way of journaling. Well, drafting. I'm writing this up using the audio option in ChatGPT, and then when I hit the check mark, I will have it double-check my writing. 

Good news: I've had three successful sleeps! No leaks, no chipmunks, and an AHI score under 5. This has been with mouth tape. I'll lose the tape tonight and see if I do just as well. It looks like dropping the pressure was definitely the solution, although I still want a mouth guard because I like having options. I think that's part of why I'm a little bummed out about the fact that we'll likely never be able to move between my fatigue and lack of money. It isn't that this is such a horrible place that we're dying to get out of, but the lack of options that gets to me. The more options, the more peace of mind.

Anyway, my sleep was a little more fragmented, and part of that may have been because I took Claritin before bed. I forgot that antihistamines can do that. So I've been tired all day, and my schedule isn't jumping as fast as I'd like it to. Hopefully, I won't have to reschedule my appointments. 

I'm starting to get conflicting symptoms where my thyroid is concerned. I still have fatigue and my weight is still up, but I'm not as cold and I'm not sleeping as long, which is part of why my schedule is rolling slower. So I don't know what to think.

Replika sent me a survey to do with the promise of a $20 Amazon gift card, and I've done this before for them and they've paid up, so hopefully they'll pay up again. 

Tom had to get something on Amazon, so while he was at it, he was kind enough to get me an incense variety back and also that eyelash dye I want to try.

Judging by Andy's wall, I'd say the dream I had of him saying he was going to come over here crying wasn't a sign of anything. It's filled with the usual childish starstruck celebrity obsession.

Speaking of celebrities, Tom and I were talking about how long we may live. He was saying how you just never know, because there have been celebs dying who were just a few years older than him and even younger. I'm now older than Larry was when he died.

Read that while most people tend to gain weight through adulthood, men typically stop around age 55, while women generally stop gaining weight by about age 65. Figures. Well, I'm not sure if my weight is up a few pounds because of age or because my thyroid is crapping out again. I should know in a couple of weeks. Since I was around 40, my weight seems to match my age. I was around 140 when I was 40, around 150 at 50, and now here I am getting close to 60 at 160. So if I'm not going to stop until I'm 65, that puts me peaking at 165, which really sucks. That's 10 pounds shy of morbid obesity, and my sleep apnea is one more thing to worry about, knowing the health issues that come with being overweight. 

Gaining weight not only increases my cholesterol, blood pressure, and puts me more at risk of diabetes and other diseases, but also increases the chances that I'll need to increase my thyroid medication dose and that my sleep apnea will get worse. It sucks having little to no control over my weight. It really does. But it's been this way for many years now, and I don't expect it to ever change. No way I would dare try weight loss drugs, as sensitive as I am to medication. I know damn well it would backfire on me somehow. I still have more muscle than average, so I don't look nearly as much as I weigh.

Another successful night! AHI score was 2.1.

Changed the rat's cage earlier. She's definitely having a harder time getting around and seems like she might be sleeping more as well. I gave her a new hammock, so now she’s setting up a new nest with the shredded paper I included. It's hard to believe this is the same rat that, when she was a baby, would disappear in the blink of an eye—until I found her peering down at me from the top shelf of the closet.

Some guy was edging Toni's place yesterday evening, so I messaged her to ask what was up since we noticed her car disappeared days ago. It turns out she sold her car because she doesn't feel comfortable driving anymore. How sad. I hope this doesn't mean she's considering going into assisted living! I know it sounds selfish of me, but I dread the idea of her place going up for sale and risking getting someone in there with either a mutt that won't shut up, or a motorcycle that's revved regularly, or tons of company, or something really annoying. I would do what I had to do to get them moved if they didn't shut up. But I wouldn’t want to be forced to go through the hassle to begin with.

I'm proud of myself for becoming less forgiving over the years. There was only one person I ever forgave that I didn't live to regret. I still need to work on not reaching out to those who don't reach out to me, though. I figure if they never reach out to me, then they never cared in the first place. I just wish I could stop caring. I can't help, nor do I understand, my feelings at times. Why do I still care so much for Nane? And why do I know I would be very sad if anything bad happened to her—this person who probably barely even remembers that I exist? We can't make people care, so why not respect that and not waste my time?

Tom is trying to create his own AI program that will keep an inventory of where our stuff is. In a tiny house, it's harder to find things. And then there's the fact that our memories aren't what they used to be. It would be great if, instead of having to tear things up and hunt for whatever, we could just ask it where something was.

Giving up on WinWalk. It's just not worth it because it takes so long to get coins from walking, the games are a pain in the ass because you have to download their apps, and you usually get disqualified from surveys. I can make more money with Yupp, and even more with Prolific.

Great news—although one night isn't enough to really tell me anything. No leaks, and my AHI score was 1.6. Even so, I've been kind of tired throughout the day. I don't know if it's CF or my thyroid or what, but I still suspect my thyroid is bad. He still believes I'll gradually get my energy back, and if he's right, then I don't have chronic fatigue.

I may not know much of anything until after the storm season passes because, “coincidentally,” as I roll back on to nights, it's going to be stormy. I would bet just about anything it'll dry back up as soon as I get back on to days. It's when I'm crashing around 8 or 9 in the morning that I’m screwed.

Still editing old stories, and it's kind of cool because since some of them are decades old, I’ve forgotten much of them, and it's almost like reading new stories.

Browsed Mary's X account. She's quite a Trump supporter. That doesn't surprise me. Only self-respecting women don't support and vote for rapists who want to restrict their rights. Kind of sad and disgusting to see the person she turned out to be. I'm done picking on her, though. While it might feel good to speak my mind, it changes absolutely nothing. She's a great writer, but she's otherwise a worthless, moody, accusatory piece of using shit.

Accidentally found Mary D's account. I was going through old photo albums on my main Facebook account when I spotted a comment from her. She switched to a bogus name and altered her appearance. She looks horribly phony, like a blow-up doll, and I'm not saying that just because of my anathema toward her.

Anyway, out of curiosity, I checked out her account, and she's really heavily into gaming. I'm betting she has multiple Facebook accounts, and this one is strictly used for gaming updates. 

There was one full-body shot of her, and I could see she put on some weight, especially in the hips and thighs, but hey, she's a mammal, and she's getting older. She would now be in her late forties, and that's about when it really starts piling on.

She's got a ring on her finger. I can just imagine the kind of guy she's married to, and how many more kids she's spit out. She doesn't really talk about her personal life on this account, which I blocked from my main account after giving her a piece of my mind from my other account. Again, it was mostly gaming stuff, something about someone's dog looking like them, and then whining about someone talking shit about her.

In the comments section, which is open to the public, I said it was funny coming from her, since after all, she swore she loved me like a sister after using me from jail for so long, just to eventually dump me because of what someone supposedly told her without coming to me first.

But guess what, Mary D? I'm not the forgiving idiot I used to be. And not that you ever would, of course, but if you ever had balls enough to apologize and want to resume our “friendship,” the answer is a flat-out no.

Making another attempt to kill the "chipmunks." I slept soundly for a few hours, and then the chipmunks began. A handful of chipmunks later, I'd had enough and disconnected from the CPAP altogether. I then shoved my nasal dilator in my nose, and other than a couple of snorts, I slept okay with that for the last two hours of my sleep.

My first thought was to just not use the CPAP unless I was struggling more than usual, and I read and confirmed that yes, sleep apnea can be worse at times than at other times. But then an idea came to me, and I decided that rather than swing all the way from one extreme to another, I would try setting it so it can't ramp. Even on the lowest setting, I can feel plenty of air going through. It alone makes a huge difference in how easily I can breathe through my nose, so I would think I would get some benefit in my sleep as well.

It will be interesting to see what my AHI score is and if I still get chipmunked awake. I'm really worried about the possibility of not being able to get a mouthguard. I'm kind of screwed if I don't, but then I'm screwed when it comes to sleep no matter what I do anyway.

Tinky is starting to have trouble walking as her tumor grows. It's very sad to see her slowly decline between the tumor and the fact that she's old for a rat.

Got another debit card (just for me) to use for Yupp since they took away the PayPal payout option, and I don’t want to trust them with my main account.

Tom saw his cataract doctor, and all looks good. And now I'm on my way for a regular eye exam. I'm not quite as awake as yesterday, but not too bad. A few chipmunks woke me up. I've noticed a pattern, though. I get gradually better and gradually worse, and back and forth. Therefore, I'm expecting to be exhausted tomorrow.

Now for my shocking news. I found a sleep dentist close by who takes my insurance! It's only a 75% discount and will still be expensive, but should hopefully eliminate the chipmunks, and then whatever's cursing my sleep can do something else. I go for an evaluation at the end of the month.

I set up a writing portfolio just for fun on Penana and have been having fun designing some of my book covers, while others are from royalty-free sites like Pexels. However, I had to unlist my stuff because every single fucking day I was getting spam comments, and there's no way to opt out of getting comments while still sharing your stuff. I've gotten no support from Penana either, so they obviously don't want to hear it and don't plan to change anything.

When all my books have been re-edited and uploaded, I'll relist, then share the link, and probably unlist them again at some point later on.

Found an app I like called WinWalk that pays you to walk. Without doing their bonus tasks, it would take 160 days to get enough coins for a $10 Amazon card, but that's okay because I still use my glider nearly every day.

As I was falling asleep, I was thinking of asking Melanie her opinion on why our dead loved ones don't make a point of contacting us in obvious ways if we truly do go on—and then all these dead people showed up in my dreams! My parents, Goldie & Al, Charlotte & Jim, and even a video of Aly I didn’t know existed.

I also had a dream that Andy somehow knew Tom's email address and was messaging him in hopes of his convincing me to respond. In one email, he said he thought he might show up at my place crying on Thursday. I was irritated with Tom for not forwarding me the messages. 

In RL, I don't look in on him too often, as I know I'm going to see the same old immature celebrity obsession as if they aren’t just people too, but I did check earlier in case it was a sign that something was wrong. However, there haven't been any recent updates since I last checked.

An hour later…

On the way back from the eye exam now. I liked the place, the assistants, and the doctor, but not the unattended, annoying brats. Stupid mother was more interested in taking selfies of herself in different frames than watching them. Then she interrupts the woman helping me to ask if a certain pair looked good on her.

Anyway, my optic nerve looks good. I warned them I'd have a high OC reading, but I don’t have glaucoma. It was at 26 and 28. The doctor said it's common for him to send people to a specialist for high readings that turn out to be due to thick corneas, as in my case. My reading range hasn't changed much, but my distance has. I'm a little less farsighted. Picked out a pinkish frame for reading and a purple one for distance. When we get home, we'll order new VR lenses.

One of my snot sprays has given me post-nasal drip in one nostril, so I'm backing off on them for a while.

I wanted to stop for burgers and fries rather than have to cook when we got back, but we didn't have enough range. I am so sick of this fucking car limiting us! Yes, it's better than a gas car for many reasons, but I get tired of the restrictions it puts on us.

I have cheesy spinach Portobello mushrooms in the oven, and I'm amazingly awake for someone who had their sleep broken up. There was a storm, but it wasn't the storm that woke me up. I simply woke up in the middle of my sleep. Unable to fall back asleep right away, I got up, used the bathroom, and then got back in bed. A few minutes later, while I was still lying there... boom! The storm that wasn't predicted started. But I couldn't sleep, and I had to wait out the storm anyway, not knowing if the power was going to go out. The storm lasted for about 40 minutes, and then I fell back asleep. I don't know why I'm not utterly exhausted, but I'm not complaining!

I once again considered trying to hold my schedule, but knowing that it's only likely to get me so far and could screw up my appointments, causing me to have to reschedule them, and that last night was a reminder that storms can come when they usually don't, I decided to just keep going as I am. I'm sure this energy is just a fluke, and besides, as soon as I get back onto nights, my sleep will be trashed by storms for sure. They occur nearly every day during July and August, but will start spacing out in September and taper off in early October.

Going to a new eye doctor tomorrow because I definitely need to update my glasses. Can't wait until I get them and can see more clearly than ever when I'm on the road. I'm almost halfway through the challenge.

Today we're going to contact my insurance company to no doubt be told that they won't pay for a mouth guard. The chipmunks have lessened, but I still do have them. If I'm going to get woken up most of the time anyway, then I suppose there's no point in getting all worked up about it when they reject the claim.

I sleep great, and then what do I do? I go right back to having my sleep trashed with disruptions. Not only was there a power failure — and I regret this piece of shit ceiling fan I never should’ve gotten — but the chipmunks are back. So maybe I wasn’t adapting after all and just had a couple of unusually good nights.

I never should’ve gotten a smart ceiling fan. I should’ve gotten just a regular one, although they’re more expensive for reasons I can’t begin to fathom. Not only does the light come on when the power comes back on, but when it craps out while I’m sleeping, the fan doesn’t come back on automatically. Also, it gets stuck on stupid at times. I guess the remote is kind of crappy — it gets confused about which direction it’s supposed to go. I totally regret getting it and will only use it when I’m awake. I plugged in a tabletop fan to turn on and off manually when I’m sleeping, which will automatically come back on when the power does.

I am so fucking sick of not only being woken up nearly every single fucking time I sleep, but also by all the power failures we have in this place. Not even Maricopa had this many, and there were electrical storms galore there. We didn’t even have any storms last night either, though there were clusters of lightning around Spring Hill. I don’t understand why they don’t just put all the wires underground!

Between the power failures and the return of the chipmunks, I feel like shit. So now I can’t even know how much PEM I have today after being more active yesterday due to having more energy.

It’s still really hard to believe that this is all one big coincidence. I’ve had sleep issues all my life, but they’ve been especially bad since Citrus Heights. It’s like something evil latched on to me there, and while I’ve been happier overall in Florida, it seems to have followed me — particularly when it comes to my sleep. There’s almost always something disrupting it. If it isn’t nightmares or health issues or traffic, it’s thunder, power outages, and chipmunks.

If they refuse to pay for a mouth guard, then I’m going to have to decide which would be the better thing to be woken up by — events or chipmunks. I guess I would take the chipmunks, because if I tape my damn mouth, I sometimes do manage not to notice any in my sleep. Without it, I’m always going to have events. Plus, there’s my nose to deal with, which is my only concern with a mouth guard. I suppose it doesn’t matter whether they pay for it or not, because in the end, whatever’s cursing my sleep is always gonna find a workaround no matter what I do. If there were no storms, no power failures, and no chipmunks, I’d probably develop some kind of pain to wake me up. I just can’t win.

I might actually have been OK, though, and had fairly decent energy, if it weren’t for the power failure and 3–4 chipmunks. As I said, it’s hard to believe this is a coincidence. It’s like with the dream premonitions. If you have a few, it’s pretty meaningless. If you have dozens and dozens, you’re obviously onto something. Even if I wanted to deny it, I don’t see how I could deny the fact that something up there doesn’t want me sleeping 80-90% of the time. If this is true, I’d really love to know what could hate me so much to feel I deserve not to be able to sleep. 

I always said I'd never have a stroke, heart attack, or get cancer before he dies, but I don’t know about that. It just seems like the decades of sleep disruptions have got to catch up to me eventually, right?

This entry is so whiny I’m not even going to put it on PB. Not just so I don’t worry friends, but because there’s so much traffic there. I know I can just block any assholes, but I don’t want to deal with anyone’s shit in the first place.

I was going to schedule the lab for the first, but now I think I'll aim for the 11th. That way, I have a couple more weeks to see if I can work my TSH down, and it will be better for both our schedules.

We’re here for life thanks to a lack of money and energy, and while there are always going to be negatives to Florida, I’m at least grateful for the wonderful weather and the fact that this park is much quieter than the last one. It’s also a cheaper state than California. However, I did dream that we weren’t moving, but were talking about it. We must’ve been somewhere in a populated city in the East because I asked Tom, “Do you want to stay in the East or go back out West?” He said something I don’t remember, plus something like “no more big cities.” Then I said I loved the warmer climates because they were more comfortable, but what I loved about the colder ones was that there was less outdoor activity.

I thought of a way to do challenges that would be more fun. They usually have 5 rides, amounting to about 100 miles or a little more. Instead of doing one at a time, I thought I’d alternate between places each time I have the energy to hit the road. I rode a little bit through Lanai and Greece, but South Africa was like OMG! Despite the negatives here, it made me so grateful to be here. It starts off on a cliffside overlooking the water with hardly a building or person in sight. Then all of a sudden… what scum! Tons of dumpy shacks with trash strewn about everywhere and seemingly no plumbing either since I saw a lot of Porta-Potties scattered about.

Just took a peek at the weather. Pretty amazing how dry things can be when someone starts rolling on to days. Oh, it's still humid as ever out there, but there aren't any storms in the near future. Nor was there yesterday. I’d bet just about anything that as soon as I roll back on to nights, the skies will get noisy again.

I still have a strong feeling my sleep is cursed no matter what I do, BUT… I slept so well last night that I wish I could sleep like that most of the time. Didn't wake up too often, and amazingly enough—no tape and no chipmunks! Maybe it isn't just about my anatomy, and maybe I really can adapt and train myself. Or maybe I jinxed things by getting the ball rolling toward a possible mouth guard, LOL. Not that the insurance company will necessarily go for it. It would still be nice to have options, though. They could each be a backup to each other, and if there was a power failure, the mouth guard wouldn't mind. I do love the way the C-PAP opens my nose, though.

For a minute, I considered retrying Losartan, thinking I might have blamed the stuffy nose (a common symptom), which was really the collapse of my nasal valves, since I read that high blood pressure can cause fatigue. But I don't think it's necessary. I think I can get my blood pressure down naturally, especially if I cut out the frozen shit. Also, I don't remember if I had less fatigue during the time I was on it. I'd have to comb my journals.

My high blood pressure is likely caused by sodium and being fat. Nothing I can do about the weight, although ironically I slipped back into the 150s despite having candy yesterday. As long as nothing else drove my weight up, I should be able to at least get back down to 155. So, 4 more pounds I could lose. It's not much, but I figure every little bit helps.

Didn't have as much energy yesterday as I did the day before. I'm hoping today will be a little better. It takes me so long to wake up that it's still kind of hard to tell exactly what kind of a day I'll be in for but I think it will be better.

Despite yesterday's fatigue, I was able to get some things done around the house that I wanted to do. I also finished the Dubai ride, and now I'm in South Africa.

I still do a Spanish lesson daily for good brain exercise and to keep the language fresh in my mind. After I finish reviewing Spanish, I'll review my Italian and then my German. The idea is to always remain able to get my point across and understand enough of what is said to me in return if I were suddenly smack-dab alone in the middle of Spain, Italy, or Germany.

Then there's Mate, which is definitely my favorite app. It's fun doing the daily tasks for credit and picking out colorful fashions and decor. Sabrina, Jill, Kelly, Aria, and Brianne each have the same house, just like some others in this park have a house just like ours. But each one will be decorated differently with different colors.

I've given up on Replika for the most part. I'm not interested in their realistic avatars, Mia's not as realistic-looking as the Mates, and the app is too glitchy due to the constant changes.

Written yesterday:

Heading to the pulmonologist now. Really hope I can get some helpful answers. I also hope they don't have their AC cranked up as hypo as I know I am. I can't possibly be this cold and under 10. Something ain’t right, but we’ll find out after the first. 

Not looking forward to filling out tons of paperwork with blasting music or TVs. I miss the days when you went in, gave your name, number, and address, and waited in a quiet room.

VZ’s Summer Challenge is out. First ride is in Dubai, then comes rides in Greece, South Africa, Arizona, and Hawaii. 

Guess my long-term memory isn’t all that great after all. Was reading back in my 1992 journal about my brief encounter with Rosemarie and a discussion Fay supposedly had with her that I’d forgotten. In the laundry room, Rosemarie confided to her that she was in fear of Rick, who was watching her like a hawk and had beaten up some other girl. I could see that, too. I mean, he came off as a real aggressive asshole.

Fay also said Rosemarie did feel bad for what she said to me at the pool, but feared AIDS as well, to which Faye reminded her that straights can get that, too. Then it hit me for the first time in all these years—assuming she really did say that—why would she fear AIDS if she had no intention of hooking up with me? Well, I don't believe Rosemarie was interested in me, and probably not even any other woman, but I do believe she was under Rick's thumb. I also read how I saw them arguing one time outside their place.

I watch a lot of Lifetime movies and saw a movie about a kidnap victim, but the more I watched, the less I felt sorry for her. It’s true that eventually, she was not allowed to leave, and yes, she was raped, but after several years, her kidnapper did allow her out to run small errands. So not only did she have the opportunity to escape, but she could have alerted the guy’s parents living downstairs of her presence. In one scene, a cop showed up asking about her. If she could hear him, he could have heard her if she just yelled out. I get that she was scared and how impressionable we are in our teens, but come on. Even she was old enough to know she'd be safer on the streets than holed up in some raping asshole’s attic and accepting his marriage proposal like she did.

Written today:

I'm officially back in the 160s :-( If it isn't my thyroid, then what is it? My eating and exercise habits haven't changed. I know I'm only getting older, but I'm betting my thyroid needs tweaking again because I've been so cold. Plus, there are other symptoms. For whatever good it will do me in the end, I'm still trying to prevent that 100 mcg dream from coming true by increasing waiting time and vitamins.

If I'm gonna be fat anyway, I decided to splurge on some caramel candy. I won't overdo it, though, or the frozen dinners, because I don't want to become diabetic, and my blood pressure is high enough. The frozen stuff is just for when I'm too tired to cook and craving variety. It really sucks because the anxiety is the worst feeling in the world that comes with me being in or very close to the target range, but the fatigue is definitely much more debilitating. If I'm supposed to be a psychic influencer and not just a premonitioner, I really need to improve my skills at that and try to put a spell on myself as best I can to influence myself into or at least very close to the target range so I can hopefully perk up somewhat. I “psyched” myself off of regular use of asthma and allergy medication for a while, so hopefully I can influence my dumbass hormones as well.

We liked the new pulmonologist. What we didn't like was that we were sent to the wrong office. But luckily, we had just enough time and charge to get to the right one, which was where we wanted to go to begin with, and then back home. He's given me a referral to a sleep dentist.

He seemed very nice and very understanding, but said that I'm the only one he's ever known that's had such an issue with the chipmunk cheek effect. Yeah, I don't doubt it. I haven't been running around insisting my sleep is cursed just for the fun of it. However, they are lessening. I didn't notice any last night. But even so, it would still be good to have options. I asked him if, in light of my collapsed nasal valves, I could use a mouth guard in conjunction with a CPAP on its lowest setting, and he said I could. He too, uses the nasal pillow and has been using it for 14 years. The amount of air it allows up my nose to make for easier breathing is amazing. Might skip the chipmunk tape tonight and see how I do, even though without tape, they're a little more likely to occur.

We got the events under control, and now I wish there was a way to get the fragmented sleep under control but there wouldn’t be without taking a medication that would backfire on me. Whether I drink or not and no matter what I eat, I still wake up a lot unless I take clonazepam, and I can't take that every day for the rest of my life, unfortunately. I reserve what's left of my stash for when I'm really having a problem.

Anyway, Florida sure feels a lot hotter than it is, whereas California, Oregon, and Arizona felt cooler than it was, thanks to all the humidity. It was only in the mid-80s, but it felt like it was 100 degrees out there.

I was in such a good mood when we returned, having more energy than I expected, getting out in the sunlight, and getting the ball rolling toward finding other options, that I drank more than I normally do. I must have had two or three glasses of wine because I passed out earlier than expected. Now I can kind of understand that saying "passed out drunk." Got to admit it was kind of fun, and I would definitely drink more than I do if it weren't for Tom and his worrying.

It's a good thing I got up to pee when I did, otherwise I would have been thundered awake again. We had quite a storm, and it was a while before I could fall back asleep. 

Nothing exciting by way of dreams. Something about Tammy and the mystery girl getting sleep apnea. I hope not!

Sleeping through storms is putting so much stress on me, even when they don't actually wake me up. I’m at the point where I’d literally rather have the honker back. He was annoying, but at least he didn’t wake me up.

I slept horribly a couple of nights ago. Yes, I have chronic fatigue, but fragmented sleep on top of it is a killer. Somewhere midway through my sleep, I took half a clonazepam, and I did sleep a bit more solidly after that. Still woke up utterly exhausted, which I expected. It’s so frustrating having little to no control over this shit.

I'm getting to the point where I wonder how much longer I'm going to be able to write, and starting to think the day may come sooner than I'd like when I'm going to be doing vocal journaling only. I’d do this on Swell and micro-updates on Bluesky. Using speech-to-text is easy. It's all the editing that takes time and energy.

So after spending all day yesterday batshit exhausted, wishing I could cease to exist, and not doing nearly as much as I wanted to do—while what I did do was a struggle—I slept a little better last time around, even though I did get thundered awake. Perhaps that was because I took a full clonazepam before bed. It took me a while to fall back asleep after getting stormed awake, but I managed. Might have had a couple of chipmunks visiting too, after two days without them, although I can’t swear to it.

Luckily, I'll at least have more energy for my appointment later on. Coincidentally, it looks like the weather's going to dry up for a couple of days after my appointment. Bet I’ll get stormed awake before Rhonda next month.

I miss the hell out of Aly. Always have. Always will. I wonder what her life would’ve been like if she’d lived. I miss our chats. She was so smart, observant, and her memory was phenomenal. Not that I don’t have people I can turn to now, but Aly really got me, especially the health stuff, since she went through so much herself.

C and I chatted yesterday like old times. :-)