Well, today’s Tammy’s birthday. She’s 33 and also the only one in the family who looks her age. It’s Madonna’s birthday, too, and she’s 32.

Andy said earlier on the phone that he and a friend watched the video of the Frontier’s performance and that he was shocked when he heard me. He said, “Wow! I haven’t seen this and I was impressed. Also, you could really hear you, even in the beginning.” The night we performed he said he’d only seen a small part of my song.

For Friday night’s lip-sync contest I’m gonna do No More Words by Berlin. I wish I could sing live but this is not a talent show like at the Frontier. It’s strictly lip-synced only.

Today's therapy went quite well, as well as the lesson with Bill. He had me up to a C# above a high G for the exercises. It was very loose and relaxed and didn’t feel strained. My strength, power and even more clarity are back but sometimes I do get short of breath and have a lot of phlegm in my throat and nasally cuz I smoke. But overall it was a far cry better than a long time ago.

As for the performance at the Frontier? Well, everyone who’s seen it likes it but I feel I could be better but aren’t I always way too critical of myself? I felt it sounded too much like a kid singing. You know, like a high school girl or something like that. I felt I couldn’t be heard well and also that Gloria couldn’t be heard well and that both of us were distorted and mumbled into each other. I thought I’d overpower her, but others say I was louder and it sounded like a woman who was trained and I know they wouldn’t lie. Especially Andy.

Bill’s on vacation next week to San Francisco. Lucky bastard! He’s a great guy, though, and he does deserve it, but when the hell am I gonna get out of here for more than one day?

I didn’t get the chance to write yesterday, but I had a fantastic time at the beach and I got some awesome color. Andy hugged me and thanked me for going with him, and I told him that I had more to thank him for. He paid the way as far as gas goes and bought us a chicken dinner which we split. It cost $7.50! It was hideous, though, and tasted like cardboard.

We lay on the beach for several hours and even went swimming out on the sandbar. The sandbar was up to his waist and up to my tits, but it was fun and also so hot that it was necessary. The water was quite murky, though, and cuz of that I was paranoid about jellyfish. Several people said they hadn’t seen any this year and very few last year which to me, was unusual. Especially for August. The water was quite cool too, for August. We each took walks by ourselves to the rocks and we saw Charlotte who looked pretty good and seemed glad to see us. I played Words Get In The Way and she liked it. She also let us use her bathroom and gave me a soda. After I ate, I saw Mrs. Labriola and when it got dark we went to the flat rocks and he did his pretend interview and I was with some imaginary girlfriend.

The drive back was peaceful and enjoyable as I lay in the backseat pretty drained from the sun and after being up since 5:30. We passed someone’s tour bus, too.

I got home at almost 11:00 and quickly ran into my apartment to escape seeing Brenda cuz I was just so beat and went immediately to bed.

Today, I see Martha at 4:00, and also Bill will be here. I want to do laundry today, get some groceries and change the pig’s cages.

One of my mice died yesterday and the only reason I can think of as to why is cuz the fan was blowing on him all night and it got quite cool and he was in the wire cage, not the glass tank which is a little more enclosed. Now I fear for Toffee, Tigger and Gremlin as the disease is contagious. I sprayed the room with Lysol and I hope that cuz it’s summer, it’ll air out.

I feel so tired and lazy today. I guess I need to eat and it’s probably cuz of all the sun I had yesterday so I feel very warm.

Brenda had to go to court for the guardianship of her kids and on her way out she gave me a pack of cigarettes and said she’d call me when she gets home.

I’m supposed to be going to the beach today, but I have no money to pay Andy for gas and I have no money for food. Plus, I have a slight sunburn and I don’t want to overdo it and Andy wants to be there till night to walk on the beach. He told me to cover up if I feel I’m gonna burn but that’s still a long time on the beach and it’s just being in the heat so long I can’t stand. I’ve been up since 5:30 and I’ll be up many more hours and also going so many hours with no food. Forget about cooling off in the water cuz that beach is now so murky and dirty and you can’t even see the jellyfish and now’s the time the water’s got tons of them.

Later...

I awoke at 5:30 today and I’m still not sure if I’m going to the beach today. I can’t say that I don’t want to, but I can say that I wish I had more money and I wish we could both afford a hotel.

I’m gonna go have my second cup of coffee or as Tracy once accidentally said, my second “coffee,” then take a shower and shave just in case. Part of me would rather stay here and go grocery shopping and do some laundry. I need to wash my curtains, rugs, blankets and my shower curtain. If I did end up staying here, I’d see if Brenda could take me to Forest Park. I hope Andy, for some reason really can’t go. That’ll make the decision a hell of a lot easier. However, he hasn’t been there since March so I know he wants to go for sure.

Later...

Andy mentioned leaving by 10:00 or 10:30 so we’ll see if he calls soon, but in the meantime, guess who was here the last couple of days? Jai and Jenny! I only spoke to them briefly but we had a great talk. They were arguing a little but otherwise, they seemed to be doing pretty well and it was great to see them. Jenny still told me how beautiful she thought I was and was constantly staring me up and down and Jai and I were joking about all Andy’s and my lines. He pretty much remembers them all, too.

I called Nervous at Feinstein’s Leather and told him to call me later cuz I want to talk to him about Sasha. Mom once made a comment saying, “Your problem is all due to smoking.” There’s really no big difference since she’s been gone. I still have a hard time breathing when it’s hot or humid and when the air’s very polluted or when I smoke too much. It rained badly last night so today the air is very clean, crisp and cool cuz when it rains it pushes down and smothers all the pollution. So, if things ever were to work out with Sasha, what would she do to the animals? She never hurt the pigs, in fact, she used to sit in the big cage I used to have with them, but now I have little mice. Also, I was told that there’s a spray you can use if you do have bad allergies but mine were never as bad as Philip’s. He came over one night when I lived on Oswego St. and sneezed and sneezed non-stop and his face got all swollen till he had to finally just leave. Nothing would ever bother me if I didn’t smoke, but I can’t quit. God, if I never smoked I could probably be in a very dusty room on a very hot and humid day and not really be bothered or affected in any way.

I got up at 3pm yesterday and went to therapy at 4pm and it was a good session. I really like Martha now and I know I can trust her. It took me almost a year to really take to her and at first, she didn’t really understand me and it was frustrating but I really do like her a lot now and she does care and understand. She says she likes my philosophies and attitude and the way I express myself and understand myself and others. She also likes my sense of humor.

Let me get Gremlin out of his ball and in his cage and get another pen.

Later...

Ok, I’m back. Continuing after therapy, Bill was here from 5:00 till almost 10:00 and we’re both suspecting that this one student of his may be gay. A female. One who’s 5’ 9” and very friendly and the athletic type like most gay women, but she’s not a true butch. Her hair is somewhat long and I’d kind of describe her as plain, but not ugly. The type I’d get, but hey, better than ugly or a guy. She seems more stable than Brenda and again, Brenda’s not a wacko but this girl (I forgot her name) has an ok job and probably hasn’t gone through as much shit but people are people and no one’s perfect. She lives in Agawam too, this girl, and her singing’s pitiful.

Bill saw the video at the finals at the Frontier and so did Stephan, which is Steve’s real name, and they thought it was great. They both hated Carl and felt Sue and Rachel didn’t deserve to win. It’s weird too, cuz originally I figured Carl was gonna blow me away to smithereens. Bill says, “They can’t sing. Except for you, for some reason, my Springfield students can’t sing like my Northampton or Hartford ones. I can help them get better, but they’re never gonna really sing such as professionally.”

This guy named Noel and this girl Dina are his worst. They can’t sing 2 notes out of 10 on key to save their lives.

Later, or I should say earlier, I did some fantastic editing. I mean, it was awesome and very different. For example, I found an old tape from about a year ago when Nervous was here one night and I was singing, so I edited it and played it for Bill who thought it was great for just fooling around and he wants a copy of the edits. So later on the phone with Andy and Fran, I told Andy that Bill said it was good and after he told me the parts I edited he liked best he said, “You’re right. It’s fantastic and I hear traces of Donna in it.”

So, that made me feel good that he said that. I should record myself singing out of the amp.

My lesson went pretty well yesterday. Bill brought the amp back and also bought me a cable to hook up my keyboard to it and it makes it sound awesome. Of course, I love singing through the mike too.

I haven’t heard from Lisa, the EMT I had a one-nighter with, since the night I performed at the Frontier, and I hope she’s still enjoying being alone. She’s a really nice girl and I can truly understand her and the position she’s been in and I do appreciate her honesty. I’m glad we can talk every now and then, too. Of course, Kacey’s still total history. Brenda on the other hand, I really do care about and am attracted to but like I said, not in an overwhelming way.

I am so fucking pissed off! I just remembered that I fucking forgot to see the return of Twin Peaks last night cuz I was with Brenda who really pissed me off yesterday for smothering me. I had quite a talk with her and I know she means well and truly cares from the heart but I do need space. I guess, however, I can understand how she feels cuz although my getting someone (regardless of personality) I’m overwhelmed by sexually is forbidden by God or whatever’s out there, I know what it’s like in my fantasies, and in these fantasies, I can easily be with them 24 hours a day.

Here’s what the scale looks like when it comes to my take on sexual attraction. What I will not take: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. What I will take: 6, 7. What I can’t get: 8, 9, 10.

Brenda and I went to Tammy’s yesterday and I loved seeing Lisa and Becky. Also, I showed them the video of the Frontier and they enjoyed it.

Last Friday me and Andy competed in the semi-final contest in which they pick 5 out of 10 and both me and Andy won. Next week the $100 winners do the same thing and then the week after that the 5 semifinalists who were chosen, compete against each other. Of course, me and Andy know we’re going there to perform and not win as of course it’s gonna be fixed like it always is when it comes down to the final, final jeopardy. You fuck ‘em all, you party with ‘em all, you win.

Right now Andy’s on the line dialing strangers to hear the edits in which I’m playing them. Speaking of the edits, I just had a great idea! I’d love to see what’s said besides to hear them. The sentences, I mean, so I’m gonna write them all down and put a star right next to the best ones.

We also called Fat Sue and Carl and played them the edits too, as well as the Rick and Nervous conversation.

We think what happened with Big Sue is that she bought her way in and gave the judges coke and that’s how she won.

Today was a great day with Bill here. I sang very well. Three songs. Falling In Love Again, Skylark and What’s New. I sang them through this microphone and amp he’s letting me use and it’s totally awesome.

Brenda also bought me 4 shirts and a pair of shorts that are nice, and I polished her nails for her. She and I are going to Tammy’s Saturday, and sunning Sunday which I did yesterday and also last Sunday and got a little color.

Yesterday was one hell of a day. To start off with, I slept only 3 hours. When I got up at 11:00, I felt like shit and was bottled up with a lot of stress as I’ve been through so much bullshit lately.

Brenda told me that we were gonna leave at 12:30 to go to this lake with a little beach in Ludlow and that Bonny and Dave decided not to go. So it got close to 2:00, and Bonny still wasn’t back yet so I figured she was angry with me and that’s why she was doing it cuz originally she wanted Brenda with Bonny’s sister Gail, but Gail’s got a girlfriend, and Brenda said long before she met me she wouldn’t really feel comfortable dating Gail cuz they were too good of friends. Brenda says she feels like they’re sisters and it would almost be like incest. Also, Bonny’s the type that likes to do things her way only. So, finally Bonny came back and I called her by phone and she said she didn’t want to talk and I knew right away it was cuz she knew I was mad and that I was right, but couldn’t handle that so it was easier for her to “hide” as she says I do. So I screamed out my open window and into theirs that it was ok for her to be a bitch but God help anybody else if they’ve got something to say. And there’s a lot more to it, meaning a lot of other shit she’s said but I’m not gonna waste my time getting into it, but it’s too bad cuz we’ve had some good talks and she’s otherwise a nice girl. To wrap it up though, after me and Brenda got back from Ludlow, Bonny comes running out as we were coming up the stairs bitching about how I cussed her out and said what I had to say about her smart mouth and false assumptions she’s made about me (she’s jealous of Brenda spending time with me and not with her and Gail), and also, I think Tom filled her head with bullshit. She was saying that they were getting evicted and that if I wanted to fight we could go outside as she went to jump me. Before I could jump her back, Brenda and Dave stepped between us and I really wish they hadn’t cuz I would’ve fucked this bitch up badly and she would’ve deserved it 100%.

Afterward, we talked about it on the phone and she told me she has PMS. But that was no excuse to lunge at me, and she’s lucky they stepped in our way. I told her I’d beat her silly if this happened again, but if not, I’d like to put it in the past and forget it. She said she already has, and asked that I not dump Brenda out of anger.

I’m so pissed! I’m going through the same bullshit on this antibiotic being so restless. I can’t sleep for the life of me. At first, I thought it was me and said to myself, “What is wrong with me?” Until I realized what was going on. I slept less than 5 hours yesterday, too. Also, all night long I was exhausted and I figured I’d sleep pretty well. I mean, I do have something on my mind, but still, this is ridiculous.

Speaking of something being on my mind, well, today’s Sunday. Another day of depressing news about the band.

As I was up all night I realized something about myself. Well, people say not to be so negative and to be more positive and I realized sometimes I am positive as well as negative but either way, anything I really want or try for that means a lot to me comes out negative. Seriously. I always fall flat on my ass whether I think positive or negative so what difference does it make how I think? None at all. I know for sure I didn’t make it in this band but make pretend I was all psyched up for it thinking, “I know I won. I just have to win. I know I’ve made this band.” In the long run, it always turns up negative. Yeah, well, no more jokes on me cuz today I know just what to expect. I don’t fool myself or lie to myself either. Same thing if I met a beautiful gay woman like Gloria that was single and looking. I would never get her whether I thought positive and pursued her or hoped she pursued me or if I thought negative.

This was the day 9 years ago that I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat till December 19th. It’s so hard to believe it was a whole 9 years ago. And it was 8 years ago around this day, this month that I was admitted to Valleyhead and 6 years ago I left.

Well, last night was the finals at the Frontier and several people are pretty pissed off including me, Brenda, Andy, Andy’s sister Marla and others. Once again it was 100% fixed just like the Pub. 500-pound Sue, who looked totally ridiculous, won. Rachel, whom I hear was boring, got second place. Renee got third. Renee is good, though, and so is Bruce who decided at the last minute he was going to perform. I’m telling you, when it comes to amateur productions in a meat marketplace they fuck over any decent person who’s got talent. Another thing is that they hate real women. They’re jealous. Plus, it’s all about popularity, too. Sue’s an ass-kisser and knows everybody and probably fucks everyone and parties with everyone. She has been nice to me, though. She bought me an $11 pair of shoes I needed for Vogue, helped me with my hair and made all the people that lost flowers. It’s still not fair though. They’ve fixed these things before on me, Andy and many others. Of course, Dedra will win the finals at the Pub.

Also, Brenda told me one of the judges they call Roxy gave her dirty looks and Brenda overheard her say, “Oh, she’s just using Jodi,” in the bathroom. All bitter, spite and jealousy cuz she’s not a real woman and the bitch can’t sing. I can’t wait to confront this bitch. I never even saw or met this queen before in my life and neither has Brenda. Andy knows her, though.

Andy’s sister Marla videotaped the show so I’ll have to see it. Andy says he liked my singing and so did many other people and yes, there are a lot of good honest caring people there but always the one or two jerks get in the way and fuck everyone and everything up.

In the dressing room, Bruce and a few other people said they were pissed Roxy was one of the judges cuz she’s unfair. They also lied when they said the judges wouldn’t know anyone and there’d be no favoritism. Everyone said Carl’s singing sucked. I feel he hit some very high powerful notes well but yes, he went quite flat on a few notes and really poured it out too much. I did have a lot of fun with rehearsals and the performance and I do have true and sincere friends there, but life sucks and it’s just not fair. Now all I have to do is wait for Sunday so I can hear some more depressing news about that band Cue. That’s if they even call me, and you know what that means if I’m the one who has to pick up the phone and call them.

I got up at 3pm and had therapy at 4pm which went quite well.

Yesterday I sang quite well as the Ceftin has been helping me as far as draining my congestion.

Brenda enjoys it when I sing for her. Yesterday Brenda and I talked, watched TV, went to Food Fart and made love. I am getting more and more comfortable with her and I feel less and less tense and awkward. I tell her I feel guilty cuz she does so much for me and I was such a bitter crab in the beginning, but she says she understands me and that you can never do too much for someone you really care about. Here’s someone who loves me for me and who’s had problems but isn’t whacked out. Of course, we’re gonna give it time before we discuss living together. That’s a mega-major step.

She is great in bed, too.

Bill’s here now with his students. I hope we can sing later cuz I couldn’t Monday. I was too sick and thank God for Brenda who took care of all that so I could sleep.

Tomorrow night I have rehearsals, then Friday night’s the big night.

As far as the band, I won’t know until Sunday as they’ve had tons of calls but I called Mr. Grant who’s black. The whole band is, except for the manager Dave, which I think is neat. I said, “I don’t mean to be impatient or pushy, but I’m excited about this. How does it look?” He said not bad. I’ll just keep hoping and praying with my fingers crossed till Sunday.

Yesterday morning I went to the ER since the Cipro I was given made me so restless. Brenda took me to the ER and both Dr. McGovern and Dr. Mudawar met us there. McGovern gave me something called Ceftin as I have bronchitis. It has been extremely hot and humid and the air is so polluted.

My two mice, Gremlin and Gizmo, are going bonkers for attention just like Tigger does, and most especially of all, Toffee. They were given to me by Bonny, Brenda’s 20-year friend. They’ve known each other since they were 10 and they’re both 30 now. Bonny’s ugly and butchy looking, but is seeing a black guy.

Today’s the day I get called either way as far as a yes or a no about the audition. Like I said, I tend to be doubtful as it usually takes many auditions before you get lucky. Everyone goes through that whether they’re great singers, mediocre or sucky and whether they stay local or get big-time famous.

Jesus Christ! I’m so pissed off. I can’t sleep to save my life. I cannot stand summer. It’s so fucking humid. I eat and sleep weirdly in the winter, but not this weird.

Today at 2:00, I have to go to the allergy and asthma Dr. Also, Bill’s supposed to be here and I’ve got to find out what time so someone can let him in if it runs into my appointment. I really should schedule my GYN and dentist and get a complete physical. And also, I’ve got some very serious house cleaning to do and laundry. Then the last and kind of scariest thing on the list is to call SIS and find out how I screwed up my book and bounced something. And these things with the bank always turn out to be worse than you originally thought. If it’s true, I’ll die. I’ll get absolutely no help from Mom, plus we had a huge fight. What else is new?

I have to wait till Tuesday as far as a yes or no to getting in the band Cue I mentioned. They were definitely impressed and the manager said so but for everything you do well, there’s always someone better. My singing was ok but it could’ve been better. It was extremely hot and humid that day. Like almost 100º. They liked my pitch, my keyboard playing but of course, I told them I was better at guitar. Also, they liked my singing in Spanish, my ability to dance, and my looks. They’re very friendly too, and they don’t make you nervous. Even though it looked good for me, I’m always a doubter until proven wrong and something does work out for the better.

Oh my God, has the 90s been a major change, or what? For the better, that is, so far. I was telling Martha this today in therapy, and about how the 80s was a definite curse for me. She laughed her ass off at the way I said it even though we both know it’s true. She also cracked up at the way I said, “I should know, sweetheart.”

The lessons here with Bill are going great still, and also, Paula comes over or I go over there and I still speak with Fran, Tracy, Steve, Jessie, Dedra and of course Andy. We don’t hear too much from Nervous, though. This girl, Jackie, I met when I was working at the store, is supposed to come over for a visit but I don’t know when as I’ve been unusually busy but it feels great. I’ve also got to see Allison at the store sometime.

Also, sometime tomorrow I believe I’ll be going for a top 40 band audition.

I had rehearsals today and I will again next Saturday. It was a lot of fun. Loopy didn’t show up again, and also Rachel and Carl, whose name I thought was Chuck, was late again. Thank God cuz Carl is an excellent singer and I’ve heard Rachel’s good although I’ve never seen her perform. Carl and I will be the only ones to sing live. Renee may possibly sing live though, too. They changed the prizes for the finals, and the date, too. It’ll be the 27th, rather than the 28th. Also, instead of $1,000 for the winner, it’ll be $500 for 1st place, runner-up gets $300 and 3rd place gets $200.

As far as Brenda’s concerned, well, she is attractive, though not the most attractive, of course, cuz that’s just a dream, yet she really does care, loves my music, we have lots in common, but she smothers me too much and I need to spend more time alone than the average person. If it was someone as gorgeous as Gloria then that’d be different, but like I said, that’s just a dream. Especially in the gay world. Trying to find a very beautiful, sexy, feminine, flashy gay woman that’s decent is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. She’s far from ugly though and life is full of compromises, right?

As I lay here waiting for my edits to rewind, I realize I have so much to write about and that I really should keep up with it every day so I get in all the details of everything and so I don’t have to stop and ask myself, “Am I covering everything that’s happened since my last entry?” And also, “Have I written about this or that yet, or have I forgotten?”

First I’ll start out by saying that the lessons over here are going great. Bill’s here twice a week and his students are very nice and it’s fantastic getting free lessons. That’s $36 I save. I’ve only had two lessons so far from Bill but already he’s working his miracles once again. My voice is so relaxed and he’s doing exercises that help to widen my range. More soprano-like, even though I’m a definite contralto. It’s a lot of fun and I feel great about it.

Well as far as my edits go, I have one hell of a classic masterpiece here. I’ve completed side A and have started side B. It’s mainly Nervous as he’s got the best voice for it being a sack of nerves “choking up on his breath” as Fran’s brother Rick put it a year ago. The tape contains me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Rick, Tracy, Tony L, and this other guy. My uncle Marty’s on it, too.

Now everything I just wrote is basically petty detail so now I’m gonna mention two things that will be the greatest and most shocking things I’ve written in all my journals combined. Before I do though, I’ll say that on July 28th I hope I can write something even more great and shocking to top what I’m about to write. Last June 21st on a Friday night, it was a last-minute decision for me to perform at the Pub and the Frontier. Now, the Pub’s contest is strictly lip sync, but the Frontier’s contest was talent, meaning you could sing live if you want to. I won $125 between the Pub and the Frontier! I lip sang Si Voy a Perderte at the Pub and sang live Don’t Wanna Lose You at the Frontier. I got such a major response from the audience too, it was amazing, and I felt so confident too, and really, really enjoyed myself. There were several weeks at both places and I don’t know when the finals will be at the Pub but the finals at the Frontier will be July 28th and me and Andy are both in it competing together for $1,000! The one at the Pub is gonna be for $500, but like I said, I don’t know when yet. I’m gonna sing Si Voy a Perderte live.

Last Saturday we had rehearsals for the opening song, Vogue, that we’re all doing and funny enough, I am the lead dancer. We have rehearsals again next Saturday. Last Saturday, Bruce, Chuck and Rachel didn’t show up so they lost points and I hate to say it but I was glad cuz they’re great performers. The MC, Wally, made us pick a number out of a hat and I picked 6 so that means I’ll be the sixth one to perform. Andy was number 2 which pissed him off, and now he’s even more pissed cuz he’s number 1 as Bruce is now refusing to perform when Andy told him he’d be number 1 at his store today. They say it isn’t good to be number 1-4 cuz the judges tend to forget about you once they get up in numbers. I just hope to hell Chuck and Rachel don’t show up, but then again, I’m sure Renee will and she’s good. There are going to be 4 judges and so Wally says they cannot fix it or play any favoritism, but my main worry is Chuck cuz he’s gonna sing live and he is good. I mean good. And also, he’s not a real woman.

Later...

I thought I had therapy today, but I guess not. When I went down there today Martha was nowhere to be found and the receptionist whom I know but keep forgetting her name said she’s got me written down for tomorrow at 10:00. Why I don’t know, cuz she told me she was changing the time to late afternoon at 4:00. Rose said she’d call me later.

Bill is here now with Cindy who’s pretty good, but he also has some sorry cases. I bet he can make them all good, though, after all he’s done for me.

Brenda’s gone to Palmer for the night to babysit her son, daughter, a foster child, and 3 other kids who all live with her sister Donna and her brother-in-law Kevin V. He’s a cab driver who used to know Crystal C.

Since I haven’t yet written about 30-year-old Brenda S, I’ll start by saying that I met her through Tom next door, who she was seeing and also living with till he moved out. She’s 5’ 6” with dark eyes and dark hair to the middle of her back. She’s a quarter Cherokee. She’s too thin, too. I had met her many weeks before we actually had begun speaking to each other and noticed her very, very intense stare as I was coming into the building and she and Tom were on their way up from the laundry room and to the apartment next to me. So finally, several weeks later, she came over and said, “I don’t mean to be personal, but are you gay?” When I said yes, she told me she was bi and that she liked Tom but that he can be very immature at times since he’s only 18 and very vulnerable. She also told me she had been married for 10 years and of course, like most males, he beat her up and used her for sex and he also fucked her over as far as the kids go. Also, the courts screwed her over just like they always do when it comes to women and children. They’re living with her sister and Kevin who have been married 10 years and they seem happy and Brenda’s glad they’re still in the family even though she misses them to death.

The last thing I said the last time I wrote isn’t nearly as shocking as the things I’m going to write about this time. First, though, it turns out that Dedra, Renee and Corinne all live in my old apartment on the first floor around the corner on Locust St. What a weird coincidence, huh?

That’s nothing compared to what I’m about to write about now. First, I was on the phone one night with a girl who called from the 900-line whom I never bothered to call back, when my hero Bill H called saying that the Dunaeffs at Dunaeff School of Performing Arts was closing cuz they’re retiring. Jean, I guess, has had a slight stroke. So Bill went on to say how he hated to see a low-income person have to back out and that he needs a place to teach in Springfield. He’s from Northampton and also gay as I pretty much figured. I told him my place was huge and I’d be honored and thrilled to have him use my place for him to teach. So he came over and saw how huge my living room is and he said he wasn’t trying to use me for a place to teach but that he really liked working with my voice and that if he did and it works out ok he’d teach me for free.

Me and Andy had an awesome night last night. To start with, about two nights ago I was fooling around on the phone just dialing randomly hoping for a woman to answer cuz I was gonna hit on her, but instead this guy answered but I hit on him just the same anyway.

When I did hit on him, assuming he’d say yes like the typical male would, I was shocked when he said no. I asked why he said no and he says, “Cuz I’m gay.” So I told him I was too, and explained that I was just fooling around on the phone, and through the discussion, I learned that he was a very well-known regular at the Pub and the Frontier. His name is Dedra and dresses up in drag, then I talked to another drag queen who was one of his roommates. A black guy who goes by the name of Renee which I immediately remembered having seen before.

So, last night me and Andy went to both the Pub and the Frontier to see the lip sync contest in which Renee won. In 2nd place was this guy who looks a lot like George Michael who’s also a roommate of Dedra’s and Renee, and also a guy named Corinne, and they’re all so friendly.

Dedra was shocked to see how beautiful I was, she said, and also that she’d spread the word about me and that they said they know people just as feminine as me. Also, they seem pretty drug-free. Dedra insists that I’ll have no problem getting a decent, feminine woman.

Sure.

Anyway, Andy and I ended up playing piano and I sang very well. My voice is getting better and better. Before I sang, Corinne told me he could tell I was a trained singer cuz of the way I breathe and the way my vocal cords vibrate in my throat and by looking at my mouth. Even in a singer’s sleep, they breathe differently. I remember Kacey waking me up saying she thought I was dead cuz I was so still.

The day I met that girl Lisa it turns out I was very wrong expecting an ugly or plain-looking girl. She was absolutely gorgeous, but I was right about that not being allowed by God. Plus, I figured before I ever saw her and heard how stable and mature she sounded over the phone that she’d never call to get together with me again. However, I really find it no great loss as I really need to be alone. I won’t say I never have thoughts or desires but I will say that I don’t want any hassles or heartaches. Also, I’m so used to the way things are.

Ma’s b-day was yesterday and when I called she sounded like a bitch. Why I don’t know, but does she always need a reason to be a bitch?

Today I spoke to Dad and when he and Mom come up from Florida in August, they’re gonna help me get out of here. I’ve decided I definitely need to move to Connecticut as I need family, this city’s getting so bad, I want to have a child, and there’s just nothing at all to do here. I’m so bored! I really want to be near my nieces and possibly make a little extra money on the side teaching music or sign language to kids or adults or whoever. Also, if I’m not sterile, I really want to have a baby while I’m young before I get really going full force musically.

Last night Andy and I went to the Pub which wasn’t all that crowded for a Friday night. No one was there, such as Tracy and Nancy or this other feminine girl I once saw and liked. Linda was, though, and there were quite a few other butchy-type women in there, too.

After the Pub, we went over to the Frontier which was absolutely deader than dead. Andy said, “What is this, a private party?” There were only maybe 15 people there. It was a total joke.

Eventually, we may go check out 616. That’s up in the South Hadley area. The Springfield bars are a total waste of time, though. They’re 90% queens and 10% butchies. Where are all the other fems?!

I told Nervous to call me as soon as he woke up. The earlier the better so I can answer his questions and have him help me with my laundry. I want to get that done and the hell out of the way. Also, I’m gonna start getting tired soon. I do want to stay up as late as I can and then try to sleep as late as I can cuz tomorrow (supposedly) Lisa’s coming at 1:00 from Fairfield, Connecticut.

I’m sure she’ll be, if not ugly, then just there, meaning no real attraction. And more of a teenage girl than a woman. Isn’t that all I get? But if she’s a so-called decent, stable and mature person, I won’t be hearing from her again after tomorrow, if she shows up.

Does God really want me to go with guys? Is that what He’s been trying to tell me? All He’d send me, however, would be ugly assholes. It seems that no matter how great a person I may meet, male or female, He doesn’t want me with anyone who really turns me on sexually. Maybe he wants me alone.

Yesterday I slept and never got up till 10:15 at night, but I’m glad it turned out that way cuz I must, and I repeat, must be in therapy today at 10:00. She’s gonna bitch me out big time cuz I never went last week.

Tammy and Bill’s 4th anniversary is on the 25th so I’m gonna get their card mailed out today, as well as cards for Lisa and Becky who haven’t been doing too well.

So, where’s Nervous? He called yesterday and left a message. I’ll probably be way too tired to give him music theory lessons tonight in exchange for him doing my laundry but sometime today I do have to stop into the store to get my pay.

Also, I’ve got to make a dentist and GYN appointment which I’ve been procrastinating on for the longest time, and also, vacuum, dust, clean my bathroom, stove, toaster oven and microwave. I’m just so sick and fucking tired of housework. I always used to keep up on it during my first two years on my own, then just got so sick of it.

Shit, do I feel a little tired now but that’s basically cuz it’s raining out. It’s always raining. We have had tons and tons of rain. No wonder everyone’s been feeling lousy.

I wish the hell Nervous would hurry up and get a fucking phone so we can get him going and tape it.

Saturday night was hilarious. Andy, Tracy, Bobbie and I all got into a huge fight and after it blew over a few hours later, I edited Tracy who thought it was so funny and well done. It’s amazing how we can fight and say such cruel things to each other and then be such great friends again two hours later. It’s just like me and Andy. The fight was about Andy wanting to cross someone with Tracy as a joke and so he dialed randomly. Just any old number out of the blue. And of all the numbers in the whole city, he managed to get someone who knew and was close to Bobbie. Bobbie was furiously mad. Then Tracy got all upset too, all the while me and Andy were laughing our asses off. Typical luck of Andy’s, who did that a year ago too, calling up some guy that he came onto that happened to be a good friend of his brother Eric’s. The guy never told Eric, though.

If I’d done what Andy did and called a friend of someone in my family, they’d have told the whole world and probably publish it in every newspaper and magazine and then I’d be crucified.

Later...

I just got back from therapy a few minutes ago and I’m now microwaving my lunch so I thought I’d jot down a few words while I’m waiting.

Before seeing Martha, I stopped at McDonald’s for coffee and Tracy was there, so we chatted for about half an hour. She’s hysterical, that one, but in a funny way.

Yesterday, Jessie and I went to the Holyoke Mall. We left here at around 6:30 and I didn’t get home till almost 10:30, but we had a great time. I bought this awesome dress. I mean it’s gorgeous. It’s all black with spaghetti straps and it’s the perfect fit everywhere. It makes me look great in the chest and hugs my hips perfectly to bring out the curves.

I also bought a tube top and a white skirt which I like very much, but even with white underwear you can see through it plain as day so I’m gonna bring it back. You can read the tag inside my underwear.

From now on I am only doing fill-ins at work, like when someone’s sick or tired or like if something happens to Allison who’s an epileptic. She’s a super nice girl. I’ve got to call her tomorrow, and also Jackie and Maritza who are customers.

I really want to work 3rd shift or at home doing telemarketing or whatever. Andy and I were discussing applying at the IHOP (International House of Pancakes) for 3rd shift on weekends.

Later...

Tomorrow, or today I should say, Philip may stop up. I don’t know for sure cuz I haven’t spoken to him, but I did speak to his girlfriend Maria who seems really nice.

Also Nervous may come over. I asked him if he’d get quarters for me to do laundry and told him I’d answer all his questions about music theory.

That girl Lisa called while I was asleep to make plans to meet next Sunday, and also I got a call from a guy who works at the headquarters of that 900-line to confirm a message I left. But because I left the message a few weeks ago, I knew it wasn’t mine, so I asked to hear it. Sure enough, some girl left a message saying I was looking for a serious relationship with a guy.

It was one of the women who called me in hopes of having a threesome with her boyfriend. Guess this is what I get for rejecting their offer. They also thought I was nuts cuz I kept playing them the edits when they’d call. Hey, it’s their dime.

I can’t fucking sleep! I’m exhausted too, so why not? I guess it all comes down to the same answer and that is I am a night person no matter how goddamn tired I am at night. I can only sleep at night in the winter but only for a month or two. I’ll go try again, but first I’m going to go listen to music which I have not done today.

I’m at the store now. Tuesday night I had a fairly good time at the Brimfield flea market. The flea market itself was incredibly boring. It was all old rotted antique stuff and as you know, I prefer modern stuff. The family we visited made a fantastic turkey dinner. That was probably only my second real meal in about a month. Max wouldn’t shut up, though, and he knows I hardly ever get time with my dad. If I didn’t love and respect my dad like I do I’d have jacked him up the wall and said, “Would you shut the fuck up?! Give your jaw a break!” God, I thought I was bad. I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise. I’m sure it was all done deliberately, too.

Yesterday I went to Forest Park with this girl named Lori whom I met at the Pub who is so ugly, and then, later on, she and her lover, Rose, came over to my place. Rose is very attractive, except for her teeth. They both seem very nice, but they’re only 18 and 19. I told them that I have to be attracted to the person as well as for the person to be right for me, and also that despite the fact that I do get lonely, I’m just not ready. It’s gonna take a while.

I don’t know if I wrote about the great lesson I had with Bill at Dunaeff. He was totally impressed at how much my voice has developed and matured. He said at first he was scared cuz usually when a student goes away for a while, then comes back, they lose it. He said, “You’re fine. You’ve got the technique. All you need to do is just come in and sing and keep up with it.”

So I was on cloud 9 and I’m waiting for Jean to call me with a set schedule. She’s got a waiting list but is going to get me in sooner which is great.

Tomorrow afternoon at 4:00, Cousins Boo and Max are gonna take me up to Brimfield where Dad’s helping his friends with the flea market they always used to do before we moved. I dread riding with them, though, only cuz I don’t want them asking me personal questions. Not that Ma, with her big mouth, hasn’t told them plenty as it is.

I won’t be back until 10pm, so I’ll have to remember to set my VCR. I also have to get more blank tapes.

I met this girl who’s very nice and very open-minded about gays. Her name’s Allison and she’s been a regular at the store for quite a while. She’s been eager to work there so she’s been hired to fill in for people who are either sick or need the day off.

Me and Andy may go to the beach this Wednesday, but with our luck, it’ll rain or be cold.

Boy, yesterday was a hell of a shocking day. I was sound asleep at 12:30 PM. I didn’t feel like going in cuz I was up all night the previous night and wasn’t feeling too hot. At 12:30, my doorbell rang and I thought it was either the landlord or UPS wanting me to claim a package for someone in the building, but when I asked who it was, a guy says, “Yeah, instead of that long letter I owe you, I got those K.T. Oslin tapes.”

It was my father!!! So he came up and we talked and I played the K.T. Oslin tape for him which he’s trying to get me into like I got him into the Judds.

After that, we went to Friendly’s where Andy’s working and we had a great talk and a lot of laughs, and when Andy asked if Dureen was here too, and Dad said no cuz one of her employee’s husbands is in the hospital, we grinned at each other. Without Dad seeing, of course. He knows what a bitch my mother is and that I value any time I can get alone with Dad.

Then we went to Brightwood Hardware in Longmeadow where I got pig food and supplies and then to Steiger’s where I got two shirts and a skirt. Lastly, we went to Blodgett’s where I got a new guitar for only $138!! And it looks and feels exactly like the Suzuki I used to have which was $215. This one’s a Fender. I didn’t buy the case cuz I’ve got the old Suzuki case.

Jim, the guy below me, said it was great and that I got a good deal on it after he tried it out himself.

Dad intended to buy me the jacket I wanted but since I already got it, he bought everything else, but I paid $70 for the guitar and sheet music of a Gloria song for $3.50 cuz I felt he paid more than enough. Just to be able to be with him was enough.

I just called asking for Nervous at work, and Dick, his boss answered and he goes, “What’s he look like? We have a lot of people working here.”

So I said he was bald and had a big fat gut. Then when Nervous got on the phone I told him to tell Dick that me and my friends missed putting funny messages on his machine, but that we won’t cuz Dick is a nice guy.

Nervous has to bring Sasha to the vet today and he better tell them like he said he would that Sasha’s now his cat and to send the bill to him. Then he’ll be up at the store, and I want him to meet me when I get out of school.

Yes! I’m going back to school! I forgot to write about it. I called Jean, the owner of Dunaeff School of Performing Arts and even though she has a waiting list, she’s gonna take me in. And it’s tough to get in, but she’s heard me sing and always said that in her opinion I had a beautiful voice, and of course they have to be honest cuz if you don’t have a voice, they can’t train you, so they’re not gonna waste their time and yours. They have to feel that you have very good potential.

Bill H is still there. He helped me before and is a really good teacher. He will help keep my voice in shape which is all I really need since I’m already trained. This guy worked miracles for me overnight along with good old Nana and Pa’s spirits. (I never did write about the bizarre experiences I had that I believe Nana and Pa were connected to) Anyway, if you suck, he’ll make you good. If you’re good, he’ll make you fantastic. Of course, it would help 100% if I didn’t smoke.

I am at the store now. I rolled out of bed at the last minute and was dead exhausted. I never fell asleep till about 3:00 this morning. Maybe I’ll go to bed early tonight and record tonight’s shows, Matlock, In the Heat of the Night, and Midnight Caller. I need to buy more blank videotapes.

I just called Nervous. He’s gonna call me later cuz he’s gonna be on the road all day.

I’m gonna call Fran’s and if his machine comes on I’m gonna press *37 and hear his messages. Tracy told me and Andy about that. I guess you can call the phone company to get that so you can hear your messages no matter where you are.

I’m finished with both Tracy and Fran cuz of their bullshit, and I also never got my $10 back I lent Tracy. There I was thinking she wouldn’t take advantage of me or Andy! Now the fucking con artist has nobody, and I hope Bobbie tosses her out on the street.

Later...

The phone company says they may get *59 within a year. That’s supposed to automatically dial the last person to call you. It won’t do me and Andy any harm if people auto-dial us while we’re making our calls cuz sooner or later someone’s gonna call them, erasing our numbers from the auto-dialer.

I can’t call Fran from this phone cuz Carl has a rotary phone here which sucks.

Today I’ve got to mail a check for the phone, rent, gas, and electricity.

I just got back from therapy and I’m at the store now.

We went to the Pub Friday and Saturday night. We saw Kacey. She was dancing with Linda who called a couple of times asking questions. I told her like it is. Or like it was.

I saw Tracy too, (not Fran’s friend) and we were talking for a while. Can you believe she’s still with her lover Nancy?! That’s a long fucking time. She said she just got lucky and she too, was about to give up thinking she’d never ever get a girlfriend. Yeah, well I’m still not stupid. I know what’s destined for me and what’s not.

There were some very feminine girls there too, who were mostly straight, of course. One was both ways, though, but seemed the least bit interested in me. Another girl, who was gorgeous, was with another girl but she kept eyeing me. She was weird, though, and I don’t know if the looks she was giving me were sexual and perhaps violent, too. It looked it. Or maybe she was on something. People are weird and very confusing. Andy says she was checking me out for future reference cuz she can’t be with that girl forever which may be true, but will God let me have someone looking like that? Even if I got her she probably wouldn’t be around too long and may be a liar, thief and a druggie.

Then I met this girl, Cherrie, who’s pretty, but she and the guy she lives with, who Andy knows too, are coke addicts and they’re also into threesomes and orgies. No way could I ever dig that!

After the Pub on Saturday night, we went to Longmeadow and egged a dozen cars. When I told Martha about it and why I did it she was actually amused by it. I told her that since I behave so damn well most of the time, I felt I was entitled. Also, I get so much anger built up inside cuz of the way people are and how life is a lot of the time that I feel the need to lash out periodically. I’m tired of having to be perfect while everyone else fucks up and gets away with it. No more Ms. Nice Girl, although I’ll never do a fraction of what most people do.

It’s freezing in here. Carl’s supposed to be on his way to fix the heater.

I made it to work exactly on time. In fact, I was 3 minutes early. This guy just came into the store that I would’ve flipped head over heels for if I was straight. He was very good-looking.

Last night, after I finally got home, I watched Twin Peaks and took a shower. You could see I got massive color from the beach. Jai noticed it immediately, but it was mostly on the front side since it was just too cold to lie on my stomach.

Later...

This guy just came in and right away my ESP said he was trouble. He came up to the register with two cans of soda, and as I was ringing them up, he quickly snatched my lighter. I simply grabbed his wrist, took the lighter out of his hand and said, “You want a lighter, you ask, and it’s 59¢.”

Patrick, this regular customer, asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said I was gay he confessed that he was bi and had been to the Pub and the Frontier before. It’s amazing how many people out there are gay or bi or have thought about it. Andy would definitely be attracted to this guy. I know his type.

At last, we are on our way to the beach! We’ve been dying to get here. We’ll be there in about half an hour. I’m totally starving so we’re gonna stop first at the old Cumberland Farms right outside the gate that enters the beach.

I wonder what the fuck Mom and Dad plan on doing with the cottage? I really hope they don’t sell it, or if they do, I hope they at least give it to Tammy and Bill and let it stay in the family.

Later...

My parents do have their cottage up for sale. Andy’s is for sale, too.

It was fucking freezing! We were so pissed! I did get some color, but not a whole heck of a lot cuz I couldn’t put up with being so cold that both me and Andy put our shirts and pants on and then we even had to put our coats on too. It got cold fast and foggy, too.

We went to see Mrs. Labriola, an old lady I’ve known since I was a kid. She looked good, but for some reason, I can’t help but feel she doesn’t have too much time left.

After that, we went to the Ames department store in Old Saybrook. I bought two tube tops, a shirt, and Opium scented lotion, but it’s awful.

Then we went to Tammy’s. She looks ok but seems stressed out. I think it’s got something to do with Bill. Lisa looks great, and Becky is turning out to be so cute!

Right now I am watching Matlock. Next is In the Heat of the Night, and lastly (I hope it’s still on), is Midnight Caller.

After work today I laid out on the back porch and I did get a faint trace of color. Better some than none.

This Thursday Andy and I are going to the beach!!! On the way back I guess we’re gonna stop at Tammy’s.

I’m at the store now. Saturday I had a blast. I met Paula on Friday, then Saturday I went over to her place like I did Friday after work. Saturday night, Andy and I went to the Enfield Mall where I finally got the jacket of my dreams for $86. It’s black suede with fringes. It’s beautiful!

I came into the store to relieve Dotty and just a few minutes ago Joel came in and I asked him in Spanish if he spoke Spanish and he nodded. Then about 30 seconds later, he goes, “What did you say?” I said that I had told him that I spoke Spanish too, and he nodded. Then he said, “I nodded as if it was just anyone speaking, but I didn’t expect it from you.”

It’s amazing how most Spanish people are surprised if an American speaks it. They usually expect it from only other Spanish people.

I’ll be here from 3-7.

I ran into Paula B at the store the other day who’s a year younger than me, and gorgeous with nice white teeth and dark hair and eyes. She’s flaky, though. She’s part Italian. She’s on disability like Fran, Stuart, Bobbie and myself, and has a 2-year-old son, Robert. I don’t think she really enjoys being a mom, though.

I knew her from the Harley Hotel. She bullied everyone but me around till she got fired. We were both housekeepers there 5 years ago. I worked there for 16 months. She lives a few buildings away, and I stopped up to see her earlier.

I woke up to the landlord ringing the doorbell to check the thermostat, and I looked at the clock that I forgot to set before going to bed last night and said, oh shit! I thought for sure I was fired and I said to myself, “If you lose this one, you have no one to blame but yourself.” But everything’s ok.

The landlord said he had to readjust the anticipator, whatever the hell that means. Then I told him I was sorry for the mess in here and he laughed saying, “I thought it looked pretty good.”

I’m glad he thinks so. I have so much clutter and so many dishes to do. He came in last week, noticed my hall light was out and changed the bulb which was really nice.