NOTE: This entry was written before I got Andy’s 3 messages (yeah, he said I could say his name). The next entry will be my comments on the messages he left me. I will also reactivate Formspring but not until I know he’s had a chance to read this. I’ll reactivate it tomorrow night, probably between 6pm - 9pm.

Got a nice anniversary card from my parents with $40 enclosed and an IHOP GC for $25. That was way nice of them! Think I’ll work on a letter to them tonight. Just as soon as Miss Can’t Keep a Schedule for Shit pushes her schedule up a few hours, we’ll go IHOPing at 6am.

It just hit me that anyone reading this journal who knows the person I was referring to in my last few entries, would know who I’m talking about. but that’s ok because I’m not saying anything bad about them (at least I don’t think so) and it is still my journal, in which case sensitive viewers are invited to leave. :)

They’re still welcome to leave the messages, but I’m not sure I understand the point of rehashing things all these years later. What would be the point of it? Really, what in the world is the point??? What happened happened a decade ago and it’s not like I beat the shit out of anyone. So why is it still so important to them all these years later? Again, I’m sorry for being such an ass and not giving them our number and address when we moved, but nothing’s going to change what happened. Guess sometimes we still gotta get things out.

And how many times can I swear I didn’t erase part of the tape? Huh? How many? If I wanted to spite them that bad, wouldn’t it have made more sense to simply not send the tape at all? But I did send it because even though I knew I was moving on and planning my little disappearing act, that was no reason to keep what was theirs.

It also hit me what they meant by my voice being so slurred. I made the tape deliberately do that for funny effects. See, the tape recorder I used to use to tape their messages was an old ancient piece of shit that when you held the ‘play’ and ‘record’ buttons down just partway, the tape would slip and slide, making whatever you were recording slur up and down and sound funny as hell. I remember recording some of the edits that way. The “edits” were bits and pieces of conversations and prank calls.

I have had many hours to sit on it and while I’m still going to take a wait-and-see attitude, I still don’t know if we should rekindle the friendship. For one, they basically just did the same thing I was guilty of – being an ass. I’m supposed to be sorry for all the mean, hurtful things I said and did (and I am), but why should they be able to make cracks about my husband’s weight and say mean things themselves? Since when do two wrongs make a right? And why would they pick on someone’s weight when they themselves admit they’re heavy, too? That makes no sense at all. I understand their anger, but do they really want to be friends, or do they just want to get me back?

There are basically 3 issues I have with this person. The two I just went through which is the fact that we’re rehashing old shit and doing the same thing I did that I shouldn’t have done. I’m still very glad they contacted me and got things off their chest, though, even if I don’t get half the things they’re talking about. The third thing is that I would worry about them pressuring me to do things I didn’t want to do if we were friends again. I don’t need them judging me for the way I handle situations and people like my nieces. It’s ok to disagree on how I handle them, but who the hell are they (or anyone else) to tell me I was wrong for it? If I beat the snot out of some spoiled brat of a kid in public that just can’t shut up, then people would have a right to judge and pressure me. But when someone bombards me with harassing and threatening messages, family or not, I’ll handle them my way, thank you, and if you don’t like it – then oh well.

No, I’m not mad at them – fucking mosquitoes get off my fucking monitor! – and I’m sorry if I’m coming off as a bitch, but I’d rather be honest and lay all my cards on the table. Isn’t that what they accused me of not doing in the past?

Like I said, I’m not trying to excuse what I did or play it down. And I know they can’t help what they feel. What may bother one person a lot might only bother another a little. All I’m saying is that the things they’re so angry about seem rather petty compared to other things. Try being framed by your neighbors and their corrupt pig pal and losing thousands of dollars and half a year of your life. And that was just some of what we lost. But yeah, for the zillionth time, I did wrong. I fucked up. I really did. And it was wrong of me to write in the journals I sent them that I was going to share it with their family. I wasn’t going to really, I was just fucking with them. It was mean and I’m sorry. I also remember writing that I’d be back in their life someday, though, at the time I wrote it, I honestly didn’t think I would be.

Never thought they’d clean up their act either and quit the cigs and pot. I’m way proud of them! I really am. They said they quit smoking in 2002 and that I was part of what helped influence them to quit the weed. They said it pissed them off so much that I could tell they were high when they last called that that’s part of what gave them the incentive to quit 17 months ago. I’m also surprised they have a computer. They just never seemed the type to get anything that technical. Guess I just don’t always know it all!

Was it really as long as they said it was since I last heard from them? Damn, it was! Goes to show once again that my memory just ain’t what it used to be. I thought it was only last fall that they called. Aging is as frustrating as it is fascinating.

I thought about admitting to everything they accused me of. Everything. Even if I didn’t do it or don’t remember it. But then I WOULD be a liar, wouldn’t I? I also thought of forgiving and getting in touch with everyone that’s burned me just to make people happy, but if I did that I wouldn’t be being true to myself. I don’t want to have anything to do with those who have hurt me – and I mean REALLY hurt me – related to me or not. As someone else said, blood may be thicker than water, but blood has a way of thinning out really fast when people become ass-wipes. I’d only worry they’d burn me again, all the while I secretly wanted to just strangle them. It wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to them. Who wants to associate with those they don’t like if they can help it? Who wants to have to smile at them and put on a false face and be who they’re not when they can simply ignore them? That’s what I mean when I say I would be worried they’d pressure me too much. They once knew someone who died. I won’t say how they died. All I’ll say is that they loved this person even though they were abusive at times. I almost breathed a sigh of relief when I learned they were gone because I was always fearing for my friend’s safety. Always. Then I realized I had no right to judge and pressure them, worried or not. Well, the point is, I would want the same respect in return and I don’t know that they could give it to me. Could they not pressure me to “make up” with those I don’t want to associate with? Could they not shove God in my face all the time and tell me I’m wrong for my beliefs and opinions? They don’t have to agree with me and I would never try to make them agree with me or change them in any way. That’s why I can’t stand these Mormons so much. It’s ok to dislike gays and to think it’s wrong for same-sex people to marry. But it’s NOT ok to try to force people into being who YOU are. If there’s one trait I hate most it’s those who try to get others to be who they themselves think they should be. But I’m ME. And I need to be myself. And sometimes the only way to do that is to disengage myself from controlling people. I’m not saying they’re some kind of a control freak or anything. They’re nothing of the kind. I’m just saying they’ve pressured me before in some ways and I don’t want to go through that all over again. So what if we agree or disagree about God and His intentions? Does it matter? Does it really matter?

Oh, I forgot to tell them that yes, Tom knows the weight would come back if he stopped dieting. That’s why he’s determined to diet for life. He realizes that you have to literally make lifelong changes in order to lose weight and keep it off what with how much slower our metabolism gets with age. We both used to be able to eat all we wanted and not gain weight. Now we just look at food and on it comes. So a change of lifestyle is a must as opposed to just dieting.

Anyway, I hope the person knows they will always live in my heart no matter what happens and I wish them the very best. And their family, too. I know they lost their parents. My belated condolences to you, buddy. I hope they’re still good friends with Michelle. She seemed like such a nice person. If I remember correctly, and that’s a big if, their friendship with Laura ended years ago.

I may never know the answer to this, but I still wonder if I had more than one person playing with me on Formspring. Yes, there were many different people asking the questions, some I knew and some I didn’t, but some of the questions just don’t seem like it was from the person I’m referring to. Yet they obviously knew me. Why would the person I’m referring to of all people ask me how I know I’m gay and why I married a man? They should know how I know, and as I said, if you want to get really technical, I guess I’d be considered bi, not gay. Yes, I have been attracted to many more women than men, but the person I loved the most that I had an attraction for happened to be a man. He’s no settlement if that’s what they’re thinking. No one settles for 16 years. At least not me. Gay, straight, or bi, after we marry, we’re still always going to find various people attractive throughout our lives because we’re still only human. My parents have been married for nearly 60 years. Do you really think they haven’t had a wandering eye here and there during those years?

I personally have not slept with another woman (or man) since meeting Tom, but I do flirt every now and then. Will I ever sleep with one again? Probably not, but I’m also not about to make any promises I may not be able to keep because I just don’t always know what the future holds. I just know we’ll be together as long as we live no matter what happens along the way. We’re soul mates. The lust part may’ve fizzled out over the years as with most long-term relationships, but we get along so well. We haven’t fought in years. The other day he was going through the shed, determined to keep one of the extra rat cages while I went on and on about not keeping too much extra crap around. Well, that is considered a “fight” for us.

Why was the person I’ve been talking to my only male friend? That was another question they asked that doesn’t seem like something they’d ask. They should know I had other male friends, though Fran and “Nervous” were certainly poor choices for friends no matter what body parts they were sporting. Currently, two of my top 3 favorite cyberbuds are males.

I wonder how long they’ve been reading my journal. It was a while ago that I tipped them off about it, so have they just spent all this time quietly reading in the background, or did they just recently get a computer of their own? I guess it could be a new roommate’s computer or something like that.

My new shoes came and OMG! My first thought was: these are so uncomfortable, I can barely walk in them, and I’m sending them back! But as Tom pointed out, they didn’t cost much, I’ll get used to them, and they’ll just give my legs a good workout by working muscles I don’t normally use, and it’s true. Running doesn’t work some of the muscles these things do. It’s just really rough on the balls of my feet and ankles and they pitch me forward as well. Still can’t reach the ceiling, even though it’s gotta be just 7’. I may be taller, but my arms aren’t any longer!

My weight was still at 127 when I got up even though I couldn’t have had over 1000 calories yesterday. Someone kept me so busy I didn’t have much time to eat, LOL. But today I’m definitely going to catch up on the things they distracted me from. Still kinda sorry the game’s over. While it’s true that I don’t need any unnecessary drama in my life, the little devil in me still likes to come out and play at times!

Oh, another question they asked that doesn’t seem like something they’d ask was if I thought I deserved to be jailed for the calls I made. But they used to do the same thing. So if they thought I deserved it, wouldn’t they deserve it, too? Of course there’s always the possibility they asked this to try to throw me off, IDK. I should’ve realized when they asked me if I ever knew anyone who ever had sex with a dog and what type of sex they had, that it was Andy. But I kept my word and didn’t say who it was. It was when he came out with the “rooms being on fire,” lyrics from an old Stevie song, that I knew who he was for sure.

When I still thought it was Maliheh, the only two things I could think of that I wrote about that she might consider lies, was my saying she was drunk the night we met. She wasn’t exactly falling down and her words weren’t exactly slurred either. I also know that while it’s highly unlikely, those calls I got after I got caught calling her, might not have been connected to her.

The revenge thing threw me off, too. The “revenge” was when he first contacted me on Formspring and said the things he said. Well, I guess the next day people gave him some shit about whatever, pointing out the Karma thing. I totally believe in Karma, but I still feel like something’s protected my perps. If they were ever made to suffer in any way, it’s news to me.

Gotta pay for our mailbox at the UPS store too, after a year of getting away with free service. Not sure how many months we’re going to get. We thought of getting mail at our physical address since Jesse doesn’t seem the type to fuck with it, but we like the idea of people being around to sign for things when we’re not home. It may also cause confusion when we move to have one person’s mail forwarded but not the other. If I go back to regular sweeping where it’s once again a part-time job to supplement our income like the other site I work at is, this place would be better.

Later…

Decided what the hell, I’ll reactivate Formspring right now. So go ask me any intelligent or ridiculous question you want, and Maliheh, if you’re reading this by some chance, you have my permission to fuck with me. :) But Andy, make sure you’re always at least somewhat serious so I know it’s you. I agree it would be a good way to keep in touch without really keeping in touch. After all, this is supposed to be a place to discuss what’s going on in my life and my head. Not a means of keeping in touch. And I promise to watch what I say and use my best judgment.

For now - you said you owe me an apology for being annoying. No, I owe YOU one. I really, truly did sound scary as hell on that tape! OMG, I can totally see how anyone would freak out over that one. Didn’t sound like no wind-up toy that time (and BTW, that one had me cracking up). I’m not sure if I was holding the buttons down on the tape recorder or not, but you know my superb acting ability can fool anybody. Even you, apparently, and for that I am so, so sorry!!! I really thought you knew good and well I was just fucking with you.

I can’t explain the Michelle/Laura or other thing other than to assume I was “line mixing.” I’m pretty sure I was reading bits and pieces of a letter we were going to send to Fran or someone like that, along with other shit. Remember how we used to do that when we’d prank people and I’d grab a random journal of mine when I’d write them by hand, then read a line from one page, then another, then another, to really confuse and fuck with people’s heads? Well, that’s what I was doing. I’m sure of it. Hun, I was never mad at you or wanted you to pay for anything or suffer in any way. Had I known how overboard I was going I’d never have done what I did. Never.

And yes, just like I could be annoying for a million reasons, I’ll admit I got tired of the 5-hour phone chats, mostly about God or shit I had no idea about or interest in while you’d chew in my ear, and while I may’ve needed the break from you, it was still wrong not to be more accepting and tolerant. As I just got through saying in my last entry, we’re not all the same. We gotta just let each other be who we are. So it will always be one of those things I’ll forever regret that I also don’t. I both do and don’t regret the break from my folks as well.

And I believe you when you say you’ve changed so much. Most of us do over time. It’s those that don’t change at all (I won’t bother naming names) that I worry about. I’m still into some of the same things, but I’m also into some different things as well.

Oh, and I tried to find what it was you said you wish I didn’t write about so I could delete it, but couldn’t find it. On Formspring, you’ll have to be more specific and tell me the name of the entry. I should be up till 8am, but just remember I may not reply the instant you send messages. Formspring often has issues where it can take hours for questions to go through. Or I could be off doing other things at the time.

Don’t worry about the “fat” comment. I don’t mind if someone thinks I’m fat. It’s kind of true anyway, but that’s not what bothered me. It was your comments about Tom, though as he said, he doesn’t care and it doesn’t bother him. You know how it is – we don’t care so much when people pick on us, but when they do it to those we love we tend to get a little touchy. Most importantly, I personally think I look a little heavy. Not obese, but I could stand to lose a few pounds. Probably won’t, though, as I do love to eat. I just want a piece of my steak! Remember, how I screamed that once when we were working at Denny’s and I was trying to go on break when it was really busy? Man, I was such a lousy waitress with all the mean shit I’d say! I remember some guy saying, “Hey, lady, I asked for more sugar a while ago,” and I hit back with, “Yeah, so? I asked for a million bucks, but I didn’t get it, did I?”

No wonder I was fired.

Yeah, you WOULD, get a kick out of seeing me think it was Maliheh, LOL, and the timing was perfect, too. I really did contact her recently. Then when you said the Dodos were your favorite band that threw me off even more. I thought Fleetwood Mac would always be your favorite.

I wish to hell I could hug the hell outa you, but I can tell you right now there’s no fucking way Tom and I will ever step foot in Arizona again. Part of the reason I can’t write about. Yeah, not even I bare my own soul online 100%. Either way, Tom and I believe in “not going back.” I haven’t been to New England since I left there, I haven’t been to Arizona since I left there, I haven’t been to Oregon since I left there, and if I ever leave California, I won’t be back here either.

Hey, wait till I tell my folks in my next letter to them – all is going slow but well. We thank you for the anniversary present, the weather’s nice, and been in touch with Andy – hahahahah!!! I’m sure they’ll be pleasantly surprised, though.

Thank you for wishing Tom and me our dream house. Don’t know if we’ll ever get it, but I’m hoping we do! But you know I was always better at achieving goals than dreams. If you’re dreaming of anything these days, I hope you get it, too!