Another day of hating to wake up and face our incredibly bleak-looking future. I almost didn’t write today because I have been too depressed. Yesterday, though, I was oddly calm. I wasn’t depressed, pissed or scared. I even laughed a few times.

But our fate is still etched in stone. The stage has been set and things are going to be set into motion soon, and there won’t be a damn thing we can do about it. Not unless something miraculous happens real soon after hopelessly trying to return to the land of the living for the last 20 months. Oh, didn’t I tell you? Miracles don’t happen to Tom and Jodi. They really don’t. And as sad as it may sound, a part of me is hoping they don’t. I don’t want to spend another 30-40 years working hard just to be rewarded with all kinds of struggles and hardships, never to achieve any of our dreams while we’re at it. We’d only be miserable most of the time and forced to live a life of settling. So I’m ok with the end if the end is as near as it appears to be. We’re estimating we can make it for about another month.

They say God has a hand in guiding us down the paths we travel in life. If that’s true, then He really could’ve done a better job in preventing a lot of the bullshit we went through from happening. Had the house Tom been in when we met been a little bigger, a little newer, a little nicer, and definitely a hell of a lot quieter, we’d probably still be there today and the house would have been paid off years ago.

Or He could’ve helped make sure we never lost the Maricopa house. There are a number of things He could have done to help us. But He didn’t. He just didn’t care to help us help ourselves choose a better path in life. Instead, He pretty much took our hands and led us in all the wrong directions.

All I know is that if nothing gives between now and a month from now, we’re positively screwed. Either the government has to make good on their promise to pay us the money they owe us, or someone has to give my husband a job. These are the only ways to survive other than winning tons of money and that’s certainly not going to happen. Meanwhile, we’ll see if he’s right about the temp agency he used to work for calling him in for an interview tomorrow, even though I’ve learned that interviews don’t mean shit if no one hires you. The work world belongs to the young and the not-so-white, and so what if my husband has tons of experience and qualifications? Dark skin and youth are still preferred over anything else these days in this country. Still think the good old U. S. of A. is the best country?

So smile, God, we just may be in your little kingdom soon. :) You gonna beat us over the head with money there, too?

I realize my saying these things about God may piss some people off, but I don’t want to hear it, ok? Just move on to someone else’s journal if it bothers you that much. We all have a right to our own beliefs and it’s ok to disagree. So let’s just accept the fact that we can’t always agree on things and leave it at that. I don’t try to cram my beliefs down other people’s throats and I expect the same respect in return.

Even if we got the money owed to us in time, as Tom totally believes we will, we still have to go back to worrying about whether or not we can beat the clock. Tom can fill out every single job application in the world, but we can’t make anyone give him a job.

Meanwhile, I guess I should live as if the end isn’t near and keep plugging away at my online job even though it doesn’t make much. But something is better than nothing, isn’t it?

In other news, the water pressure was sluggish yesterday, and I thought great, just great. We’re going to be spending what may be our last month on earth dealing with this shit. So Jesse came down and checked things out, but once he saw we had no leaks or anything, he went and checked out the well. Everything at least appeared to be ok, but he switched us over to the ditch to allow the main tank time to recover.

The good thing is that he doesn’t think he got that job down in L.A. This way I won’t have to worry about him being 400 miles away in case of an emergency. He’s never home as it is, but is usually just a phone call away.

Another good thing is the weather. It’s hot and dry like I like it and we’ve finally been able to leave windows open all the time. It’s to hit 100º today which is fine with me! I’m sure I’ll be the only one in Auburn, California to squeal with delight once the thermometer does hit 100º, and it’s close. Just 5 more degrees to go.