As I’ve been trying to do for over a year now, I’m trying to keep a positive, hopeful attitude about surviving this economic crisis, but as far as I can see, our fate is still basically going to come down to a toss of a coin. We’re going to either sink or swim. Tom’s oh so sure we’ll swim, but until I see any real change, I have no reason to believe we won’t be sinking in just a few months.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t been dieting or exercising too seriously and am now up to 130 pounds. I just don’t want to end up working so hard for nothing. If our days are truly numbered, why deprive myself of the good things I can still have in the meantime? And I do like to eat, LOL. I have been both stuck and retaining water, so that could be a factor in why my weight is up as well. All I know is that if we’re at the end of our rope here, my weight is the last thing I want to be worrying about.

While many wonderful things have happened to us since moving to California, it’s been such a bust at the same time. First something up there didn’t want us to have a home. Now it doesn’t want us to have money. And soon it may not want us to have either which would basically mean that it didn’t want us to have a life.

Some have said God’s testing us. Well, if that’s true then we’re obviously not doing a very good job of passing since He won’t allow us to move on. What, am I not a good enough poor-ass bum or something? Have I just not gotten “good enough” at living poorly and accepting the fact that we’ll always be poor? Is that what it’s all about? Are we not going to be allowed to get on with our lives until I stop bitching about how broke we usually are? And when I say “broke” I don’t mean that we’re starving or having any kind of a crisis at the moment. I just mean that we don’t have much extra money. We’ve only got so much we can save, though I suppose a part of that is our fault because we still tend to shop more than we should. I’m not nearly as bad as I used to be, but we just spent a couple hundred on shit we don’t absolutely have to have and next week I’ll be buying myself new shoes that I also don’t need, but would like to have since I’ve been wearing the same few pairs of shoes for years. Shoes were never a high priority for me, but now I think it would be nice to finally have a new pair unlike anything else I have which basically only consists of two pairs of sneakers, a pair of flat sandals, and a pair of flat pink canvas shoes my folks sent centuries ago. Still, if this is about me being frustrated with us being held back like this month after month, then I’m sorry I’m not a “good enough” bum. I’ll be a better bum, God, and try to accept this cruel and unfair fate in which you’re so obviously determined to sic upon us no matter how much we may not deserve it and are willing to try to get ahead in life. Really, I’ll be a good little bum and quit complaining about being forever cramped in someone else’s old trailer with no more than 500 square feet of space, and no opportunity to get ahead in life. Will you care about us then?

I rearranged the bedroom a little, but being what can’t be more than a 10x10 room, the possibilities aren’t exactly endless. I simply swapped the dresser and the mannequin. This way I can now walk right up to the dresser.

I can see where this mannequin would freak out anyone who’s spooked by realistic-looking dolls. I myself still can’t believe how realistic-looking this thing is! She looks like she’s going to start moving any second and step out of the corner she’s in. A lot of the older mannequins have dead-looking, even cartoonish eyes, but not this one. Her eyes look wet like real eyes and incredibly realistic. Same with the eyelashes and the rest of her face. When you look into her face you almost expect her eyes to shift into focus on your own and for her lips to part and for her to say something. Yet I was never one to find such realistic dolls creepy. As a kid, I’m sure I would have, but instead of being spooked when I look at her, I just see a very lovely mannequin that looks very lifelike.

I re-read Marie’s sex clip and it hit me that she never got off. Does anyone ever want to have sex with me and not just for me? Well, other than Ron, Al Casey and Brenda.

Well, it’s 4am and 80º in here. I think I’ll crack a window and go take my shower. Then when the sun comes up I’ll go out for a run if only to keep my joints from acting up. Better do my ab crunches to keep my back in shape, too.