I’m not sure which is worse – scary dreams or sad dreams. I dreamt that Tom died. I don’t know what I was doing alive. I meant it when I said I’d kill myself if anything happened to him. The only thing was that I only knew him for a decade in the dream. I was sitting at my computer trying to block him out of my mind when the reality of the fact that I’d never see him again hit me and how short those 10 years together seemed in comparison to a lifetime. In my mind, I screamed for him to come back and give me another decade together.

I actually woke up crying and I told myself, if you two don’t ever kill yourselves together out of desperateness for some reason, and if you don’t end up being the one to die first, he’s almost certainly going to go first being that he’s almost 9 years older, and one day that realization that you’ll never see him again will be for real. So maybe you oughta quit bitching that he’s home so much of the time and always there.

My husband and I may be more like damn good friends than anything else, but he’s my one and only true soul mate. The only one I could ever really be myself around that fully understood me, and that I could tell anything to. It isn’t that I couldn’t be myself around people like Andy and Marie, for example, and tell them anything. It’s just different with Tom, and well, he and Andy and Marie are totally different people. It’s something I don’t think anyone could possibly understand without experiencing the same feelings. I would literally break all my bones right now to save his life if I had to. There’s never been and never will be anyone else I’d go to such extremes for.