I have now reached the beginning of the end with Digital Confessions! Now I’m basically at the climax of the plot, then ready to tie up the loose ends that will hopefully finish off a decent enough story.

Meanwhile, it seems like we’re back to square one; waiting for nothing. There was not one single call today, but we’re still working on our online experiment. Still don’t know if it can save us in the end, though, if worse comes to worst. I really wish we could stop struggling and start living! But this has been going on pretty steadily since 2007, so why would it stop now?

Late last night my stomach really started flipping out on me. I realized at that point it had been too long to blame it on the Chinese food I had. I prayed for it to stop. Amazingly, it did. Ah, but I had popped a couple of Tums a little earlier, so given the fact that all my other prayers have gone unanswered, I’d say it was either the Tums or a coincidence. If whatever’s up there didn’t care about those who died in the earthquake in Haiti, or the victims of Hurricane Katrina, or the tsunami of 2005, why would it care about my husband and I? Aren’t we just two people out of billions? Well, right or wrong, I can’t help but see it that way. As much as I love summer, I wish I could snap my fingers and jump to the end of the year. Why? Because by then we’ll either be laughing at these days or we’ll be dead. Why must almost all our problems be so long-term? If we manage to solve this one, I know we’ll just go right into a whole new problem that’ll go on and on for months or even years.

Unfortunately, I’m starting to question Andy’s intentions. He had been being a good friend, sending words of encouragement and not judging or condemning my own words, some of which I figured he might not agree with. I appreciated his letting me have my own way of thinking and believing. But then he started defending the old neighbors in regards to the time I hurled a glass bottle over the wall and into their driveway after getting so fed up and frustrated with their shit, and yes, I was truly guilty of that one. But not the part where he says I said I was going to send them a picture of a burning cross. If I said that – and I don’t recall doing so – it was a bad joke. This simply isn’t the kind of thing I’d get off on doing. For me, the problem was their behavior, NOT their color. Only THEY had a problem with color/religion.

Sometimes I wonder what people expect from me. I mean, what do they want me to do? Take the blame for every single thing that’s ever happened to me whether I deserved it or not? For a while, I was that way. I got it in mind somehow that if I took the blame not only for my own mistakes but for others as well, I would somehow be a better person for it and would win more approval from others. And so that’s how I was for the longest time. If you fucked up or fucked me over, you didn’t have to worry! Jodi would be quick to rescue you from having to take responsibility for your own actions. But not anymore. Not after realizing what a liar this made me look like and how untrue I was being to myself. I can’t make people believe me when I say I didn’t do a particular thing, and I can’t stop others from defending those who have victimized me and gone a hell of a lot further than I have, but that’s ok. I know what happened. I know what I’m guilty of, and I know what I’m innocent of. And I know that if some guy, for example, steals my handbag when I’m out and about, I’m not going to say it was my fault. And if someone rips off your own handbag or wallet, that’s not my fault either! I’d rather the whole world look down on me for not taking blame that isn’t mine, than for everyone to just adore me for accepting blame that isn’t mine.

What’s he gonna do next? Accuse me of some stranger’s murder in Ohio? Tell me I deserved every slap I got from my mother as a tiny baby?

As I told him, if he’s so bothered by what bothered me a decade ago, maybe we need to take another break. And maybe he doesn’t want to resume any friendship, but just “punish” me instead by defending my past tormentors. Like I really need this shit right now in life when I’m struggling just to survive, never knowing if we’re going to make it or even be alive a month from now?! Really, why the hell is it so important to him to defend the old neighbors? And after all this time. I was the one who lived with them yet he’s so sure their noise was within normal everyday limits and that it was only during the daytime. If what happened with our old neighbors a decade ago bothers him so much then he can just fuck off, and I told him this, too. If not, then I guess I’ll just have to put him on ignore. I just don’t understand why he’d be so upset at what I thought, felt, believed, said or did to my own damn neighbors from way back when. I can see him harboring a grudge over something I said or did to him, but my neighbors?! My NEIGHBORS?!?! Maybe that’s the whole point in this; to get back at me, then get off on reading about it in my journal. He’s the one who said my entries were longer and more interesting since he started harassing me, so maybe that’s what this is all about, IDK. And maybe he’s full of shit when he says he’s been as successful as he has been. I hope not, though. I’d really love for him to be as happy and as well off financially as he said he is.

I live in the woods because I just want to live in peace and not fight with people. So if you feel you have to judge me and try to change me into what you think I should be, you’re wasting your time. I’m just going to ignore anyone who tries and send you straight to my spam box. Anyone who knows me knows I’m hard to gain as a friend but easy to lose. And I’m sick of being told how we should do things and that Tom’s wrong for not applying for jobs in person. Why should he waste time and gas just to be told to apply online?

He admitted that the prank calls were from him, but they weren’t meant to be pranks to harass me as Tom must’ve thought was the case. I guess he was playing parts of the tape I sent him where I’m pretending to be all furious with him and Tom took it as pranks. But Tom said we got “slammed” with calls and it cost him a lot of minutes to delete all the messages. Just how many times did he call and play this tape?

He pointed out that someone threatened me with coming over with a knife on Formspring, saying he never said that, and I believe him on that one. As I told him, he’s weird, mean and funny at times, but I’ve never known him to make threats. The knife could’ve been tied in with Maliheh or someone else entirely, but no one’s come to knife me, so I’m not worried about it.

Speaking of Formspring, I might shut it down since Andy and I are now keeping in touch by email, and no one seems to have anything to say or ask me lately.

What I don’t believe is the 6-page letter he wrote screaming at me that he said he sent right after we moved to a PO Box we once had in Tempe, AZ. Oh, I believe he sent the letter. But I don’t believe Tom would read it, decide it’s too nasty for me to know about, then ditch it. Tom wouldn’t have even opened it. He always brings me anything addressed to me unopened. Andy must have addressed the envelope wrong or it got misdelivered.

Since we’re on a mission to rehash the past, I had a dream last night that reminded me of something he did when we were in our 20s and living back east. Today I wouldn’t give a shit, but back then at that age, I was kind of hurt by something he said, but first, maybe I won’t shut down Formspring just yet after all. I just got a question alert and found someone warning me to stay away from Andy, saying he just wants to “get me,” etc. It’s not showing up yet, though. Formspring is always slow. Hmm… someone he knows? Well, they can’t know me very well. They spelled my name wrong.

I don’t know what to think at this point. sighs I don’t want to dump the guy again, but who the hell is he to judge me? Guess what I end up doing depends on him. I’ve already told him how I feel, so if he really wants me as a friend, he’ll just worry about his own self and quit telling me how I should’ve lived my life in 1999 and how Tom should live his now. Or maybe I’ll just never hear from him again.

About the dream. It was of Sharon W of all people, Norma’s daughter. In the dream, we were supposed to meet somewhere for some reason, but I don’t know where or why. I was on the phone with my mother before going to meet Sharon. She told me to respect her fame, and I was like what fame? She was a small-time singer, but she never got famous for anything.

I suspected that Sharon would be rather cold towards me because she believed I made prank calls to her mother many years ago, and because of all the years of being labeled as crazy, and she was. Had I still been young it would’ve bothered me, but being in my 40s, I found it rather amusing. “You think I’m just the craziest bitch you ever did meet, don’t you?” I taunted her with a grin. She just gave me a dirty look and ignored the question.

In real life when I was in my early to mid-20s, Andy told me that Norma told his mother she had received prank phone calls. I don’t know when she was supposed to have gotten them, but I guess Norma said that Sharon automatically suggested that I had made the calls. Today I would just laugh something like this off, but I was young back then and I took a lot of things personally. Today I care only about the feelings of those I care about. But if I don’t know you very well, I’m not going to sweat the fact that you may think I made calls I didn’t really make. Yet I called to defend myself back then. She apologized and all that, saying she should’ve gone to me first. I told her not to worry about it and that it was done and over with as far as I was concerned. But then Andy went and insisted to her that I really had made the calls. This really pissed me off too, that my supposed best friend wouldn’t take my word for it when I said that of all the people I had pranked in my life, Norma was not one of them. I never had a problem with Norma and so I never saw any reason to bother her. But the fact that Andy wouldn’t believe me and couldn’t see that I had absolutely nothing to gain by lying to him, a person who did the same thing back then, really upset me. He did later admit that he should take me for face value and quit being so quick to call me a liar, but it was too late by then when Norma was concerned. Norma will go to her grave fully believing that I pranked her and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Now onto more important things than someone who feels they have nothing better to do than stick up for my old Jew-hating neighbors who lived for tormenting me to no end. Marie texted me from the hospital last night. Her chest cold got really bad and caused her to get an ear infection and she felt really out of balance. Hopefully, she’ll rest up and let herself get better before she goes back to playing Wonder Woman. Really, that girl does too much, LOL!

Later…

pulls hair I’m losing a ton of work and story-writing time today with all the darn emails and phone calls I’ve been getting, LOL! The call turned out to be quite a pleasant surprise, though.

I started to get in some writing when the phone rang and I saw it was my parents calling. My first thought was that they’d heard all the shit that was going on in the news and were worried about us.

They were calling from the cell to use up minutes, so we talked one at a time. First mom talked with us and asked us about what stores and restaurants are in our area. I’m guessing they may want to send gift cards, but anyway, we told them we’ve got most of the major chains around us as well as what stores aren’t in her area and all that. Then she said she’d put Dad on to ask us other questions.

So Dad gets on and says, “You’ve sold things on eBay, right?”

Oh, yeah. We’re the eBay experts. :)

Haven’t sold anything recently, but I got rid of a good chunk of my doll collection that way and a bunch of other shit we didn’t want or need. And of course we once had an eBay store in Arizona.

My parents have a small store at a flea market that keeps them active and generates extra money for them. They haven’t been online for years because they didn’t use it enough and just couldn’t get used to the idea of virtual stores. They have a storage locker they’ve been cleaning out containing all kinds of stuff they didn’t get around to selling or that they just have no use for. Tom said it’s kind of sad that they’re doing this. In other words, preparing for the end, knowing they don’t have much time left. Yeah, it is sad. Some people have said that I shouldn’t pity them after past problems we’ve had, but it’s not that easy. I just hope we too, aren’t looking at a limited amount of time left, but if we are, we are.

For now, though, they’re sending 198 pre-2000 Beanie Babies to sell on eBay. At first I thought he was asking if we’d sell them for them and send them the profits, but he wants us to keep whatever we can get for them. This was really nice of them! So we’re researching things now and once we get them and see the items we’ll decide where and how to go about selling them. Opening a temporary eBay store might be our best bet right now, but eBay isn’t the only place to sell things. There’s also Amazon. We’ll just have to compare fees and things like that. We’re thinking we can maybe get $300 - $400 for them, but it won’t happen overnight. Meaning, it’s not going to be something we can sell off in a day. We’ll probably sell them in small lots too, as opposed to one at a time. We’ll also probably list back to back instead of simultaneously so people won’t ask for combined shipping.

Other than that, they’re doing well and have been in the 90s for over two months. They had the coldest winter they ever experienced, and now they’re having a super hot summer.

I was shocked to hear their electric bill was just $99 after having to run their AC all the time, plus they’ve got a hot tub outside. I’ve never been big on hot tubs. I could take them or leave them, but the heat we’ve been having sure makes me wish we had a pool! We could get a fairly good-sized inflatable for a couple hundred, but it’s not something we want to spend money on right now. Especially since we couldn’t use it year-round.

Andy got upset with me for telling him to fuck off if he has a problem with me and for not letting him get things off his chest. But that’s not what I have a problem with. What I have a problem with is when he gets on me for shit that doesn’t even pertain to him and he judges the way I’ve handled things. I don’t understand why the way I interacted with people years ago has anything to do with us and the present day and age. He says he’s on my side, but I don’t always feel that way. I feel like he’s judging me and trying to get me to shoulder the blame for things I’m simply not responsible for. I don’t think he gets that sometimes people really are victimized that didn’t ask for it or provoke anyone in any way into giving them the shit they give them.

He seems to think I’m all about revenge and not accepting blame where I should accept it, but that’s simply not true. When I was younger, like most younger people, I did tend to be more vindictive and selfish and less willing to own up to my mistakes. No one can “ground” or “punish” me for admitting to a mistake, so what have I got to fear in coming clean? I swear I don’t want to get even with every single person who wrongs me, and I don’t have a problem with admitting when I’ve made mistakes. If anything I’ve deserved just about everything I’ve ever gotten in life, and I’ve said this before. I don’t know what else he wants from me.

If someone went to attack me I’m going to try to fight back, but again, I don’t feel the need to get even with everyone that irritates me because I understand we’re all only human. I’d rather just not have anything to do with someone I may not like. Twenty years ago I had plenty of time to get even with someone that fucked with me. Today I’m just too busy and it’s just a whole lot easier to avoid people I don’t like.

It just really bothers me to be criticized and judged for the way I have lived or live my life today. Had he offered his opinion or a suggestion once, that’d be one thing. But it’s another to come off like you’re trying to get a person to be a certain way over and over again. What’s wrong for him may be right for someone else. That’d be like me condemning him for the way he went about quitting smoking or condemning the way he handled a fight with a coworker, for example. That’s between him and the coworker. Not me. Even if I don’t think he handled the person well, who the hell am I to judge him and tell him how to live his own life? It’s none of my business.

What I meant by the fuck off part was that he’s not obligated to stay in my life if he’s that unhappy with me. If he thinks I’m this cold-hearted, vengeful bitch that refuses to take the blame for anything, he shouldn’t bother with me. I won’t hold it against him if he wants to walk away. We can’t pick our family but we can pick our friends and he has a right to choose whoever he wants for friends same as he has a right to choose what clothes he buys.

I don’t want to dump him again, but I also don’t want him playing mommy to me either, scolding and judging my every move, be it something that pertains to him or not, or that happened in the past or right now. Maybe we should find a gray area between the black and white. Meaning, back off on the emails. I hate getting multiple emails every day from the same people anyway. Maybe it would be more special and we’d get along better if we backed off to once or twice a month. Of course, I also don’t have to read/respond to emails if I’m busy with other things at the time or just not in the mood.

Like I said, I just wish he’d be mad at the shit that involves us. He has every right to be upset with me for dumping him. That was wrong and it was 100% my fault. All of it. Totally, absolutely, completely my fault. I know some people would say I too, should have the right to pick and choose my friends, but he didn’t do anything wrong. Just get annoying at times. But so did I. And so that’s why it was wrong of me to dump him like I did.

Someone who’s apparently following my journal has been leaving messages on Formspring. I thought it was Andy playing around again at first, but I doubt he’d spell so poorly, misspell my name, and basically bash himself. Another mystery to ponder. Can’t tell if it’s someone who knows either of us or what their game is just yet. Maybe it’s a stranger simply stating their opinion, or maybe it’s someone one of us knows with a purpose in mind and woweeeeee!!! Andy just sent me some pictures of himself! Even with the extra weight that most mammals put on with age, he looks fanfuckingtastic!!! And still younger than his age too, and less gay looking, for whatever that may be worth to the guy, LOL. It’s so nice to have these. I have no other pictures of him cuz we had to leave so much stuff behind in Arizona.

So I guess that other than economic stress and Andy getting under my skin at least a little bit at times, the day wasn’t all bad. I just lost some work and story-writing time is all, and did I run my 1-3 miles today? No, of course not!

No NC hit today on Opera. Hmm… maybe it wasn’t Maliheh, after all. Or maybe she was just too busy to check my latest entry.