The guy here got the picture situation squared away, and we’re now friends on Facebook too, LOL.

Poor Shanara. After a 4-day tease, she finally got her period. “Oh, haven’t you heard?” I almost told her. “God gives to those who don’t want and who don’t deserve in the first place.”

Despite how young she is I sense she’d make a great mom. Just the fact that she wants a kid is enough to disqualify herself in that department, but I still think she’ll be pregnant within a year. God may prefer to bless people with other people’s dreams, but I don’t think Shanara’s as unlucky as I am. Even she herself said she hasn’t been through nearly as much hell.

Later…

Yesterday I was so depressed. I had several crying spells and would try to stay in the other room so as not to share my misery with Tom. I just didn’t want to get him all down as well. I tried to keep as busy as I could to distract my mind from the things that are depressing me. As soon as I would relax and do things like listen to music, my mind would go off on a tangent and pretty much take me places I didn’t want to go.

My days are numbered and there’s no playing it down or sugar-coating things unless a miracle happens soon. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m just sitting here in one big old waiting room, just waiting, waiting, waiting… watching the time tick by and knowing I am completely powerless to change fate. Knowing that sometimes some things really don’t work out and get better and that all one can do is try their best to change things. Like those trapped in a collapsed mine. Those who aren’t killed instantaneously will fight to survive and get out alive. Some will succeed, but some won’t. Well, without getting into detail just yet, that’s pretty much the situation my husband and I are in right now. Our world has collapsed and we’re still alive and struggling to survive. But after doing all we can possibly do on our part, the rest is up to fate. We’ll either make it or we won’t.

I would prefer to live and go on to buy that dream home we’ve been wanting and to be able to fill my journal with many happy things. But some of us just aren’t in the habit of getting what we want, and I’m one of them.

There is much sadness, anger and fear, but at the same time, if our time really is meant to be up soon, I kind of wish we could just get it over with and be gone from this world right now. Why wait around for the inevitable? It only drags out and prolongs the stress. Might as well get it over with. If we live we would never have gotten what we wanted, I’m tired of living in other people’s little old dumps, I’m tired of listening to their fucking dogs, I’m tired of financial worries, and I never wanted to grow old anyway. And who would have taken care of us once we got too old to care for ourselves?

Normally we keep the back bedroom, the bathroom, and the front kitchen windows cracked during the summer, but the barking has gotten so bad I had to shut the front window and open the side one instead.

Later…

I knew those bad money dreams had to mean something. Sure enough, we’re only getting a week’s worth of money, and they say they’re going to send the rest within a few days to a few weeks, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I started praying to God for me to not only be right in believing the money will run out before the jobs return but to see to it that we don’t get the money owed to us so we can get out of this sorry world sooner.

Tom’s still so sure he’s going to get a job before the money runs out but says that worst-case scenario, what he’d like to do is apply for all kinds of assistance, not because he hopes to get anything, but to make the government work for screwing us. Then he’d like to declare hardship and cash out his pension and live it up till that runs out, saying he doesn’t want to just die and not be able to enjoy some of what he worked so hard for first.

Me, I still just want to go when the time comes. I’m ok with gambling off what’s left and living it up that final day, but as soon as we’re out of money and there’s no stalling Jesse on the rent anymore, I just want to go. Period. Why delay the inevitable? It’s like being on death row. Why prolong what’s only destined to happen anyway? Besides, I wouldn’t be in the mood to live up anything. As it is I’m fast losing motivation to live. My will to survive is totally becoming drained the more we struggle on and on and wait for nothing. I’m tired of stressing over money while God, the government, the state, etc., do absolutely nothing to help us!

I simply don’t have the will to live anymore. Nothing interests or excites me anymore. I haven’t wanted to have sex, I haven’t wanted to go anywhere, I haven’t wanted hardly anything at all. I have to push myself to work, I have to push myself to exercise, I have to push myself to diet. All I want to do is write and listen to music when I’m not eating or sleeping. Oh, and study languages. I wish I were one of those who could tell myself, “Cheer up, things will get better. Smile, be happy!”

But I don’t know that. After 20 months, how could I really believe that?

Applying for assistance would be more work for us than it ever could be for the state and government, as I told Tom, and why spend hours waiting and filling out forms for nothing?

Knowing full well how much time it takes to cut a check and that they simply wouldn’t write it out, put it in the mail and send it to us, we’d have no money for 4 months or so between the time the unemployment checks stopped and we got the pension money.

My life may never have been perfect, but it once held the promise of all kinds of surprises and possibilities. Now my life is so damn boring and predictable. I have hobbies that I enjoy, but I wonder if it’s only a matter of time before I lose interest in those things as well.

How did my life get to be so full of stress and hardships? Once upon a time I never worried about how we would pay the rent or if we could eat. My worst money worry was simply whether or not there’d be anything extra leftover for fun stuff.

A part of me misses my old problems. They were frustrating, but they were safer.

Sometimes I wonder, what would it have taken for God to give us a break had we lived into next year and beyond? Would we have to be attacked by someone first? Have this place burn down? Become paralyzed in an accident? What would make us just as deserving of a decent life as the next guy?

Once again, there’s no doubt at all that Maliheh’s checking me out.

I looked up Hope Mills on city-data.com after we talked. The winters don’t have the kick that MA winters have, but she still gets some snow. I’m surprised. I thought almost all of NC was nice year-round. It’s humid as hell from what I can see – yuck! I’ll stay in Auburn even though its winters are as cold and wet as the summers are hot and dry. Our average highs are in the 30s and 40s in the winter with the average lows being in the 20s and 30s.

Finished chapter 18 about 5 days ahead of schedule. Didn’t accomplish much yesterday, though. I was too depressed.