Formspring keeps crashing, so I will answer a question Andy asked me right here. Not surprisingly, he’s siding with my MIL and judging a situation he only knows some of. sighs I hope I’m not going to regret us being back in touch with each other. I’ll always be sorry for things I said and did to him that was wrong (and I appreciate his apologies for his own part in it), but man do I hate being pushed and judged! There’s nothing I hate more than being told what I should do, what I need to do, and what would be “right.” What’s right for some isn’t necessarily right for others. Then after this, I would appreciate it if no matter how much he still didn’t get it or agree with us he would not bring it up again. It wasn’t his problem, it never affected him, and he shouldn’t be bothered by stuff that doesn’t pertain to him in the first place.

We don’t bother with those that don’t want to bother with us. Period. And while we would probably accept her apology if she apologized for abandoning us in our time of need, I would still prefer not to associate with those who could do that to us in the first place. Would he want me to insist it’d only be “right” for him to get back with Michelle?

Anyway, Tom’s mom is a very wealthy woman. Not millionaire rich, but wealthy enough. Probably even wealthier than my folks. When I first became a part of the family people secretly warned me of her tendency to use and take advantage of people, and I found it so hard to believe. She seemed like such a nice lady and I was proud to have her as my MIL. It was when his dad died in 1995 that things changed. She began asking for a million favors – mostly car rides and home repairs. I had the same attitude about it at first and as most people would I’d tell myself, “But she’s his MOTHER.”

We learned that before Dad died, his parents agreed to take half of whatever money they had whenever the first one died and split it amongst their 5 kids. But none of us ever got a dime. No one said anything, though, because hey, it was still her money. So those of us struggling to make ends meet continued to struggle while her savings climbed well over the quarter-mil marker (Tom’s the one that used to do her taxes. Of course).

Tom’s a softie at heart and easy to take advantage of. It wasn’t long before I could see that she was using him, but I just put up with it figuring it would stop when her house was sold and she moved in with Tom’s sister like she eventually did. But it didn’t stop. She would always promise to “catch us later” when we’d have to shell out money we barely had for parts we’d have to run out and get in order to repair this or repair that, but we were never paid back. When the money came into the thousands I finally put my foot down and pointed out to Tom that hey, we didn’t have all this extra money to spend. But she did. Then there was the fact that I hardly ever saw my husband when I didn’t go over to her place with him. After work and on weekends he was with her. She became more like a daughter to us. My husband was becoming a stranger and it seemed we mostly kept in touch by phone. I’d call over there but he’d be too busy being run ragged at our expense to talk for long.

Finally, I said, “Ok, so she’s your mom. But that doesn’t make her God or give her the right to treat you the way she has. We’re losing so much money and time. Isn’t that enough for you?”

He agreed. But we didn’t want to “dump” her just because she was selfish. We didn’t hate her and we still don’t. We just simply told her the truth – that we were running out of money and needed to start spending more time with each other. Sure she did little things along the way like buy him lunch from a fast food place while he was there working, but all the burgers and fries in the world couldn’t have possibly made up for the thousands of dollars we were out, and all the time we lost.

But we kept in touch as always.

Then we moved to Oregon. They told us to ask if we needed any help. When all the disasters up there struck, she sent 5K. We greatly appreciated the help and offered to pay her back, but she said not to. I was ok with that, though, as I kind of saw it as getting part of the money we were supposed to have gotten when Dad died, and well, she was rich and we were poor. Just don’t ever ask for money again, we were told. Hearing this really hurt, too. I’m sorry, but a parent’s job of helping their kids when they need it should never end just because their kid may be in his 40s and has needed help before. I found that to be really cold after all we’d done for her. Then all contact from her stopped. Our cards and letters went unanswered as did emails to Mary and Dave. We’d been abandoned and left to fend for ourselves in our next time of need. She was never “dumped” and she was never “cut off.” SHE chose to abandon us and abandon us she did. There was nothing we could do but accept this. We’re not in the habit of trying to make people associate with us who don’t want to, and like I said, I know most people think that if it’s family they should automatically be forgiven and allowed to treat us however they want to treat us. But Tom and I just aren’t that way. If we don’t like you for whatever reason, we aren’t going to bother with you whether you’re family or not. And if we’re wrong for it, so be it. And no amount of pushiness can change the way we feel. We have a right to do what we feel is best for us and we will. Ask anyone who knows me, the more I’m pushed to be someone I’m not or to do something I feel isn’t good for me or that isn’t right, the more I tend to swing the other way.

So if my presence really matters to those who know me personally, then I suggest you not push me away and that you just let me live my life as I see fit. Just worry about yourself, Ok? Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong or try to change me and I won’t do it to you. :) If you really read my journal you’ll see I’m very big on the idea of acceptance and people being allowed to be who they are. I’m not about to go to church if I don’t want to – for example – just because the lady down the road may think I should and that I’d be wrong for not going. Lastly, this is the last time I’m going to defend myself on this subject. I’m an adult and I don’t owe anyone any explanations for the things I do. Neither does my husband. I’m tired of people judging me. Just tired of it! I don’t want to hear about my in-laws, I don’t want to hear about my nieces! Blood relation is NO excuse for abuse!

Oh, I should add that this was in 2004. We last talked to Mary (the one I call Miss Perfect) in 2007 when even worse disaster struck when we moved down here. She put a call through to my folks who at the time had long-distance blocks on their phone. I really appreciated her doing this, but once again, they knew how to contact us, but never once did they call back the next day to ask how we were. They just didn’t care. In fact, I can’t believe she even put the call through and accepted my collect call in the first place. I really can’t. Maybe she was just curious to see if I was going to tell her Tom was dead or something when it was my voice she heard requesting her to accept charges, IDK. All I know is you can’t pay people back who don’t want to be paid back, you can’t make people return to your life that has abandoned it, and frankly, I don’t want to either. Not even my own folks would turn their backs on us like that, and believe me when I say they have their faults, too.

I’m just under 5’ 4” in height. Well, on these 5-inch heels, I’m wearing I am, LOL. Each time I wear them they get easier to walk on and the balls of my feet and ankles don’t hurt as much. But I wish they made the sole out of suede or something because my heel tends to slip off. I need one more hole in the ankle strap to hold it snugger around my ankle. Tom said he’ll punch one in with a nail for me. He’s a sweetie, but I can do it myself.

I got up earlier than I wanted to and found I was up a pound as well. So I said, “fuck it,” and didn’t go out running today. Instead, I stuffed myself with Jelly Belly jelly beans. The ice cream parlor mix is yummy.

I was watching a video a friend on Facebook made about how she was being stalked by some woman. Does anyone online NOT have a stalker?

I’m still not sure whether or not to set my blogs to private or not. No, I don’t want to write anything that might offend people, but it’s still also my journal. I will think about it some more.

Later…

Andy and I were laughing over old times and catching up on each other, though he’d certainly know more about me through reading my journal than I would know about him. Some things are obvious, but other things I’m not sure if he’d want online or not, so I will use my best judgment. He can tell me to delete anything he doesn’t like.

He said he was sorry if he upset me with all the MIL talk. That’s ok. No harm done. He knows that when it rains in my journal, it really pours! In other words, I’m just a bitch who really lets it all out.

He has done so well for himself over the years. I ain’t gonna lie; I really thought his life wouldn’t change much. It seemed to be the same for so long, but then again, so was mine. Seriously, though, I really did see nothing but poverty for him all his life. Instead, it was really my own future I was seeing.

He said he wasn’t trying to brag or rub it in, but he owns his own condo, his own business, has a 5-year-old car that looks new, health insurance and money saved up. He’s had many boyfriends but still prefers going solo. I was so happy to hear this, but once again I started to wonder what went wrong with us. What did we do to deserve to be broke and renting someone else’s trailer at ages 44 and almost 53? Come on, it’s gotta be our fault, right? Right?

Wrong. It was just part of our chosen destiny. I mean, if this is our fault, then it’s also the little kid’s fault who got murdered by his insane mother, right? Right?

Wrong. Some things are just meant to be, plain and simple. I can wear all the high heels I want, but I was still meant to be short and nothing can change that. I don’t know why we were meant to be poor, but we are. I have asked God to give me the strength to accept this fate that we cannot change (even though my husband thinks we can), but He has refused my request. Perhaps that’s because it was meant to be a punishment of sorts. IDK, maybe we ripped people off in a previous life. It seems He really wants me to feel the stress and frustration that comes with never knowing for sure if we’re going to be able to keep the roof over our heads and food in our tummies. Two days in a row I had bad money dreams. Were they warnings? Or just because it’s what I’m preoccupied with?

Either way, I am bound and determined to accept the poverty that’s in my destiny. I don’t know how or when, but I’m going to someday, somehow, accept what I cannot change. It’s not like we haven’t tried. We’re still trying, but no one will cut us a break. We only have so much power. Not everything is within our control, though I sure wish it was.

But as I told Andy, living poorly isn’t the end of the world and we don’t need insurance either because we are healthy. If this is what’s meant to be and what’s right for us for whatever reason and who we were meant to be, then so be it. It at least makes the easier times more special and keeps us from taking things for granted. I know it sounds funny saying that I hope to “do better” at being poor, but I really think life would be easier if I just learned to accept it.

I know we’ll never own a house again. Tom doesn’t know it, but I know it. If we were meant to have a house, we wouldn’t have lost one house and two pieces of land. And I’m still convinced that I was given this sleep disorder to help hold us back. The only way I can work is at home and without a schedule and there’s only so much money I can make that way. And please don’t even ask me to explain it or try to tell me that all I have to do is set an alarm. If it were that simple, folks, I’d be doing it.

To sum it all up; the point is the same. I know we’ll always be renting dumpy little trailers if we make it through the economic crisis, and that’s still an if. If there’s any good in knowing we’ll never own a place again, it’s that I won’t have to worry about losing it. I know money will be an issue for us no matter how long we do live. But we’ll never again ask for money and I will one day learn to accept that no matter how smart, ready, willing and able we may be, it ain’t gonna change the basic plan for us. We’re poor, we always will be, and that’s just life for some of us. If we can just keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs, I can then consider anything extra as a bonus.

Anyway, I’m super happy for him but wouldn’t want the condo. I WOULD rather rent. You know anyone within 0-3 feet of us can’t shut up. We all have our areas in life where we’re cursed. For us, it’s money, toilets and neighbors if we have them too close to us. Barking, car stereos, house stereos, car doors slamming, inside doors slamming, people stomping or running, screaming kids, cabinets slamming, TVs blaring – you name it, we’d get it. Some of this is to be expected when you live so close to others and even reasonable, but it was always overkill for us. Always. We always just “happened” to get those extremes.

Andy also had a dog next to him that drove him crazy. He called the pigs on the owner all the time, but the owner himself was a pig. He’s VERY lucky he never went to jail! VERY lucky! See what I mean when I say that I’m made to pay for what others can get away with? Pig ended up moving because there were so many complaints about it. This kind of surprised me being a pig and all, and because so many people let their dogs bark so much.

He urged me to get rid of Jesse’s dogs by dumping them somewhere or killing them. I would if I knew he wouldn’t replace them, but he would replace them. This is the West, you throw your dogs outside and you forget about them.

Oh, and I asked if it was him who asked me those questions that didn’t seem like questions he’d ask. He said it was and he was just trying to throw me off his scent. He really threw me off, alright! I really thought Tammy, and then Maliheh, was behind it.

Tom was emailed a qualification test today. Let’s hope it’s for a reason and not just to waste his time!

Andy hasn’t been friends with Michelle since 2000. She started tweaking and still is, though he talks to her mother at times.

I’m fucking with Maliheh again, even though I know I shouldn’t and that it’s got to stop. But I just had to send her a message yesterday telling her that if it’s not really her sending me the anonymous messages on Blogger, and if she didn’t really “ask” me to write a story with us as lead characters, please let me know because I’d like to know if someone’s impersonating her. But if I don’t hear from you, I told her, I’ll assume it’s you and send you a copy when it’s done.

I figured she’d either continue to be determined to ignore me, assuming she’s gotten all the messages, or would be so freaked out at the thought of someone impersonating her that she would want to deny contacting me. I figured her most likely choice would be to ignore me, and that’s the case so far. But could she possibly be ignoring me because she’s curious about the book? And why hasn’t she blocked me on MySpace and Facebook?

Anyway, today’s joke was to friend a few of her friends on Facebook, and to send a note to another saying:

Is Maliheh B still around? The last thing I want to do is bother any of her friends, but she sent me a message on Blogger asking me to friend her here. I did, but am not sure I did it right and that it went through.

You can tell her I’m working on the book she asked me to write with us as lead characters. I was really freaked out at first for about a week there, thinking that someone was impersonating her, but when I sent her a message asking her to let me know if it wasn’t indeed her that I’ve been swapping messages with, however anonymous they may be, she didn’t reply, so I assumed that yes, it really was her. I meant it when I said I had no hard feelings about the past. We all make dumb mistakes! Anyway, it will take several months, but I am mapping out the plot and doing all that fun stuff we authors have to do. I will email it to her when it’s done. I might mention it there from time to time as I work on it. Don’t know if I’ll post it there, though, once it’s done. The title is either going to be Evil Amongst the Evergreens or Strangers in the Woods. She’s welcome to send any input she wants. It’s her story in a sense. She should hear from me again at the end of the year unless other projects I have going delays it and it will eventually go to my publisher/editor in the UK. I altered her last name, as she asked me to, and am sorry this is so long. :)