I hate both my uncles. Always have, always will. As a child, I tried to love them and I tried to find some good in them, but I couldn’t even like them. I did what most children do and tried to win their approval, though it was to no avail. Why they never seemed to like me, especially my mother’s brother Ronnie, was never anything I could understand. As a child, I felt hurt. As a young adult, I was curious as to what they could possibly have against me, though I assumed it had to do with my pranksterish ways and the labels my mom just loved to slap on me in hopes of gaining sympathy and attention on account of it. As an older adult, I didn’t give a shit. I only knew that had my uncles waited till I was around 25 to treat me the way they did as a child, they would have ended up in the hospital while I’d have gone straight to jail.

I remember being kinda pissed for Tammy when she said that although she ignored it, Ronnie would give her dirty looks every chance he got when they met up at Larry’s house when his son died in 1997. And all for something that might’ve happened what, 25 years ago? It’s scary how long one can hold a grudge over the dumbest of things. I know my cousin Polly, who I haven’t even seen since I was 19, still resents me for the prank calls I made to her bastard father Marty (my dad’s brother) in 1989. Calls that have long since been owned up to and apologized for. I regret apologizing, though. Am I really sorry for the few measly pranks I pulled on the bastard who once terrorized and threatened me as a 15-year-old child? Even his own mother who was living with us at the time was terrified out of her mind.

Is hanging onto Tammy really the right thing? Or should I just let her go and be done with the whole damn family forever? I guess only time will tell. But I decided to do what was best for me and not worry about how others may react. If I decide to let go and she has a hard time dealing with it and accepting it and feels she has to resort to childish harassment, that’s her problem, not mine. I’m not going to worry anymore about who can or can’t respect my decision to either stick around or go my own way, but as long as I am accepted as I am without being accused of lying and without anyone trying to push, change or control me, then there’s little else that could drive me away. Maybe if you pester me with 20 messages a day and then take a shit fit if I don’t reply to each and every one the instant you send them, or if you lie (and I don’t mean a little white lie as a joke) or try to rip me off I’d be tempted to split, but otherwise, there’s no need to.

It may come as a surprise, but guess who’s got her first REAL dentist appointment in years scheduled for next Wednesday?! Yeah, even I’m kind of like, wow, really? God must be pissed. You know, the one who didn’t think I even deserved to be insured for – what was it – about 8 years? Well, if He’s up there – tough! I’m going to finally do something about the pain I have endured since 2004. Tom scheduled his sexist wife with a female dentist. :) He’s such a sweetie. :)

By 8:30 this morning, they were already sawing away up at the summit. It’s to be in the mid to upper 90s from now through Tuesday, so I don’t expect to hear much for long other than the Jes pest roaring in and out on its motorcycle half a dozen times during the day.

Still not sure what language to study next. I did a poll on FB asking if it should be French, Urdu, Latvian or Hawaiian. I’d go for the Hawaiian but LM doesn’t have that course available yet. I’d have to learn bits and pieces on YouTube which isn’t the way I’d prefer to learn.

I shared the first chapter of a story I started with Nane and Alison, so we’ll see if I hear back from them. Well, I know I’ll get feedback from Alison, but Nane will probably be too busy.

I was flattered to receive a message from Nane saying she’d been thinking about me and to also see that she spent 20 minutes on my blog. :)

My diagram muscles no longer feel like someone took a bat to them and I only sneezed 10 times today instead of 100, so I’m not doing too bad right now.

I entered to win a beauty basket from Yves Rocher, who I haven’t ordered from in ages since they stopped selling my 3 favorite perfumes. Browsing their site, though, is a reminder of just how much French I really do know. I just can’t pull it out of thin air on my own if I wanted to say something in French, and can only understand some of it if I read it or hear it. Maybe I’ll enroll in LM’s French courses if we ever move.

But that’s just the thing. Will we ever move??? Every time we find what appears to be a great deal we always discover a nasty catch with it. Last night it was an updated doublewide with the perfect amount of space for just 5K on a lot that rents for $500 a month. But then the ad went on to say the backyard was perfect for a dog, which pretty much tells me that particular park allows people to just toss them outdoors and forget about them.

Tom seemed a bit annoyed with my reluctance at first, but as I reminded him, barking, screaming kids and car stereos are what we’re supposed to be avoiding. So why defeat the purpose and take a place that has “dog hangouts” which suggests that while they may limit the size and number of dogs you can have, they don’t care what you do with them or who it may affect?

Then Tom checked the place out by satellite and OMG! Not only did the roof look absolutely horrible, but the back of it ran alongside a bunch of cramped duplexes. There was a thin block wall between the places, but even he agreed it wouldn’t be worth it. The duplexes may not allow dogs, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t have friends visiting with dogs, barbecues, parties, screaming kids, etc. There were also a couple of basketball hoops – right on the street, believe it or not – and any loud car stereos, house stereos or those with drums, bass guitars and shit like that would be heard in the place very easily. There were no dogs allowed in the duplex we lived in up in Oregon, but God just had to see to it that this bitch moved in next to us with a service dog that the management company couldn’t say no to. So why wouldn’t we “happen” to get some extremes and exceptions there, too?

The hunt for the right place may be going frustratingly slow, but all the while our savings is building up and up and up.

“I can’t live like this anymore,” I told Tom yesterday through one of my scattered sneezing fits. He agrees. So we’re going to schedule appointments for both my teeth and allergies. We can’t keep waiting on a move that may never happen or that may not happen for many months.

Allergies are now whipping my ass every 4-10 days and it’s really interfering with my day-to-day life. Severe allergies are much like the common cold, so to have to stop what I’m doing to blow my nose or because I get hit with a sneezing fit really gets to be a bit much. It’s all I can do at times to keep from taking a frying pan and smashing my fucking nose right off my face. If it were once a month I could live with it, but this is getting to be an average of every week. First the sneezing and runny nose interfere with my work, then I get all drowsy and knocked out by the allergy pills I take which don’t help that much anyway.

I slept forever last night (12 hours) and awoke several times feeling like cotton balls had been jammed inside my mouth.

Sleeping 12 hours has its pros and cons. If I could do it every day instead of the usual 8 hours, I could probably lose weight without nearly starving myself to death. But the longer I sleep the more likely I am to wake up with lower back pain.

Although I have a bit of a Benadryl hangover, I should be able to work out today, nose pincher-free, as well as get some work done around here. Maybe some story writing too, though I don’t expect to be very sociable online.

It’s going to be in the low to mid-90s all week. That will help restrict the Jes pest’s outdoor hours to early mornings. Once it stops reaching 80° he’s going to be outside working on shit all day long. I had really hoped to be gone by November, but it doesn’t look that way at this point.

The two times during the year you’re most likely to hear chainsaws are now when they’re cutting for firewood and in the late spring after the last of the rain. It’s important to trim back any trees that can be potential fire hazards during the long dry summer ahead.

I’m really disappointed in Maliheh. Yesterday I sent her a message containing the latest journal entries just to see if she’d care enough to send a simple message in response to all I’ve been going through, even if it was just a simple “I’m sorry” or “Hope you feel better soon.” TIP shows she picked it up, but I got absolutely nothing in response from her. Some friend she’s turned out to be, huh? Well, this time I totally mean it when I say I’m going to make her wait on me if I ever hear from her again.

I really think she just wanted to buddy up to me, IDK, maybe so she could feel a little better about herself and like she was making up for the past at least somewhat, and so she could help see to it that her name was left out of my book, then maybe she planned to not so much as dump me but slowly drift away in the end. Well, guess who’s going to drift along with her?

When I’m actually chatting with Maliheh she makes me think she really does care. But when I don’t hear from her for so long and she ignores messages I know she picked up, it really makes me think she’s only hanging onto me to keep me from mentioning her in my blog and things like that.

No more “poking” or messaging Christiane either for the same reasons. She’s just not a true friend.

My Reading reader returned this morning. Looks like they may’ve bookmarked my blog. They were in for an hour 3 days ago, 10 minutes yesterday, and just 28 seconds today. Because today’s visit was so rushed, maybe they’ll return later. It could be a friend of a friend from VH, but I really get the feeling it’s someone I know. Well, if it’s not Larry or Jennifer, then who could it be? Someone connected to extended family or family friends?

Later...

Tom got his first summons for jury duty since being here in Cali. I guess you don’t have to go to court on a set day and time and you just call in instead. I still can’t believe they just randomly pull people off the street for that. Okay, so I know they’re screened somewhat, but it still seems weird. Judges aren’t pulled at random, and lawyers aren’t pulled at random, so why are jury members? I would think they’d hire people to do that full-time and that that would be a full-time career for some people.

I looked at our 5-cast and wow. It really does seem to get warmer and dryer each year. We usually have to shut windows at night by late August. Yet here it is almost October and we’ve only shut them a few nights. But high 95°, low 61°? Love it! I do miss the rain a bit, though.

Even though it’s still pretty summery out, I’m starting to hear more of the Jes pest in the early mornings. He was hammering something up there at 8:30 this morning, so I heard when I was near the open kitchen window. This cock would be just as big of a nightmare to have living a few feet away from me as were the pack of freeloaders we had to deal with in Arizona.

I was wrong in assuming the application Tom filled out was just to get into the park. It was actually for financing for any park-owned models we may want. If we got something that wasn’t as nice we could buy it outright, but if we want something nicer we’ll have to make payments. Hopefully, the fact that we haven’t heard back from them yet is a good thing. Wouldn’t they tell us “no way” right away? If it turns out they rejected us but were too lazy to call and tell us, I don’t want to do business with them. Tom’s going to call them next week if he doesn’t hear anything this week.

Got hit with yet another allergy attack. As soon as I woke up I knew it was going to be a bad day given how stuffy my nose was. I scrambled to work out and do a bit of cleaning before the allergy pill I took could knock me out as it did for a few hours. I clamped my nose with pinchers I used to wear when swimming so I wouldn’t go sneezing all over the treadmill, but this is ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous! Tom thinks I’m allergic to some plant or animal here in these woods and that once we leave I’ll be ok. Yeah, well, I’ll believe it when I see it. So far, though, Oregon’s the only place I’ve lived where my allergies weren’t an issue.

Maybe I’ll feel up to doing a little cooking and even doing my nails and using the Zud I ordered by mail that I couldn’t find in stores to easily clean tea and coffee stains from my mugs. Nothing else works so well!

Gross! A skunk sprayed really close to the house. I’ve got incense going in the bedroom and kitchen. What the hell is so close to the house that it just had to go and spray?

Anyway, I’m still kinda pissed, but I feel better today. I guess it was just digesting and accepting the initial news that got to me, but now that I’ve had time to think and sleep and think some more, there’s no sense in staying upset over things I cannot change. Doesn’t mean it’s right, doesn’t mean it’s fair, doesn’t mean I like it, doesn’t mean I’ll forgive my parents, especially my mom; it just means I accept that they were who they were – a couple of phony people who felt the need to put on a show throughout life instead of being who they were. If there’s an afterlife I hope they know just how UNproud of them I am. Even Tom said he didn’t realize just how important image was to them until now. They fooled an awful lot of people. Did they think they’d never die one day and that the truth would never be exposed? Did they think no one would find out they weren’t the rich people they wanted the world to think they were and that while they drove their fancy cars they were in debt and struggling their asses off, especially in the end?

Tom said the only thing he feels bad for them about is how they had to endure the stress of keeping up the false façade for so many years. I don’t feel bad for them at all, though. They made their own bed so it was only right that they lie in it. Besides, no amount of suffering could compare to the suffering I did in Valleyhead as well as right under their roof.

What I don’t get is why image was so important to them. Why couldn’t they just be themselves and not worry about who thought what? But it’s true, image was everything to them. Whenever we’d visit each other they saw what I was wearing and not the person behind the clothes. I was a skirt that may’ve been too short and a shirt that may’ve been too tight. I was never just Jodi.

They’re part of the reason why I have such an I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think attitude. Besides, I’m smart enough to know that not everyone’s going to like us no matter what walk of life we come from and no matter what we look like. People can hate you if you’re rich same as if you’re poor. They can hate you if you’re pretty as much as they can hate you if you’re ugly.

I anonymously asked half a dozen or so people on Ask what they thought of the 40% thing and the majority said they would be grateful for what they got. As Tom pointed out, they don’t have anything anyway. 40% of nothing is the same as 60% of nothing. Tom thinks I’ll probably get 2-3 grand. Well, at least that will pay for most of what we’ll want for the new house and then it won’t have to come out of our own savings even if he’ll continue to make a lot of money and our expenses will be lower.

I can just imagine all the stories they told in life! Hey, I always knew they were liars, just not the extent of it. “They brainwashed a lot of people,” I said to Tom.

“No, they fooled a lot of people,” he said. “Like with Judy mentioning an art collection. She had to have gotten that from somewhere as people don’t just pull something like that out of nowhere. Your parents had to have said something to make her think that.”

Well, I don’t think it ever existed. Obviously, that was another lie unless they once had something like it and sold it off to pay their debts and keep the false façades going. That’s why I didn’t understand Tammy being so pissed about Judy mentioning it. How is Judy to know what’s true and what’s not after they lived a lie for so damn long that so many people bought into? Yet she insisted she wanted to “get things off her chest” to Judy because Judy has a big mouth. “Nothing at all against Andy, but she needs to learn to keep her fucking mouth shut.”

I understand that Judy can sometimes resort to gossiping a bit too much same as my mother did as well as Charlotte and the whole damn bunch, but Judy’s just a sweet old lady who doesn’t mean any harm as far as I’m concerned. Yet Tammy says she never liked her and something about something she supposedly did a while back was “the final straw.” Something I don’t know about and that she wouldn’t tell me about. Personally, I don’t want to know anyway cuz it has nothing to do with me. As I also told her, I don’t know Judy’s address or phone number, not that I’d give her this info if I did know it. She asked about Andy and was glad to hear he was doing really well. All I told her was that they were in neighboring condos and Judy’s was up for sale.

Another thing she said (this one really shocked me) was that Mom and Charlotte’s friendship never ended. Really? But I could’ve sworn I was told mom dumped her several years ago.

Later…

Andy said I shouldn’t have accepted Molly’s apology, she doesn’t mean it, and I should’ve just deleted her questions. 

Yeah, he’s probably right. She’s “apologized” before and never meant it. I’m surprised there were no questions from her yesterday.

It just hit me that it could be Jennifer. I hope it is. Then she can know exactly how I feel about her. Well, not about her so much as about her getting any money. But as far as Jennifer herself goes; she never did anything to me, so I have nothing against her.

I checked FB and saw that she went to college sort of near Reading where I got a visitor from. I noticed that she dropped her last name and is now going by just Jennifer Lynn, like she didn’t want to be associated with her last name. Can’t say I blame her!

I realize that I may’ve come across as rather harsh where Jennifer is concerned and given the impression that I’m angry with her or that I have anything against her. I don’t. She never did anything wrong to me. She did not ask or demand to be included in my parents’ will either, so to be angry at her would be both unfounded and pointless. To give her 15% may be a bit much and perhaps 5% would’ve been more reasonable, but as Tammy said, I am getting the majority of the money. She and Larry aren’t getting any at all, though Tammy is doing well and has stated she doesn’t want it.

I don’t feel bad for Jennifer’s father, though I feel bad for her because of her father. He was an absentee dad for quite a bit of her childhood, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he became a stranger to her in adulthood.

First she lost her brother whom Larry favored being that he was both male and firstborn and I felt so bad for Jennifer because of it. I felt bad for Sandy, too. Sandy was always such a sweetheart. Yet Larry made both Sandy and Jennifer seem like second best. I don’t have to be a genius to know that he wouldn’t have taken it nearly as hard had it been Jennifer who was killed instead.

Secondly, she’s gotta feel awkward as hell over the fact that her father has “dated” minors and has thrown away his wonderful wife and daughter as if they were yesterday’s news. How ashamed and embarrassed for him she must be! Her future “step-mom,” assuming they really do get even dumber and tie the knot, is nearly a decade younger than her. Her “half-brother” will be nearly 3 decades younger. That’s gotta seem weird as hell!

Later…

I was going to post 10-20 pages a day of old journals on my-diary and LJ but found that to be a bit much. Then I decided on just a few pages a day, figuring no one would read them anyway, but I thought wrong. I was flattered to learn that a guy close to my age in San Diego finds it rather interesting to see what he was doing around the same time on the other side of the country, so I’ll keep on posting them. It just may not be as fast as I’d like.

He read about Valleyhead, researched it and found discussions about it. He agrees it sounds pretty fucking awful, and says he can relate to a lot of what I went through.

I’m also flattered to know, on another site, that I’m an inspiration for someone who has resumed their own writing. That’s quite a compliment! She’s a 34-year-old woman in Missouri and has already spent 3 hours on my blog.

“Guten Morgen. Wie geht es Dir,” I surprised Tammy with this morning when I called her. She knows I’ve learned quite a bit of German, but probably wasn’t expecting that, LOL. She’s still packing up the condo and finding it strange and creepy as hell being in there by herself. It’s still weird to me to know I just talked to them both less than a year ago and they were still with it and all that. sighs So sad in itself, but still infuriating to learn what I have learned the more their masks are peeled off.

The funeral is Sunday, so she’s got 4 days to fry the bitch. Mark and the kiddy lover will be down at the end of the week. Next Wednesday she returns home.

As I said before, I hope to hell we’ll never need it, but to know that Tammy would pay to fly us to her and take care of us till we got our feet on the ground should we ever go broke again, is a huge relief to know. She’s told me at least 3 times not to hesitate to pick up the phone and call her if we ever need help. Again, it’s a great feeling. No one wants to feel they’re all alone in the world or like no one gives a shit should they get in a desperate situation. But that’s the way it has been for the most part – those that care haven’t been in a position to help, and those that have been don’t care. Tom’s mother really put a complex on me the day she turned her own son and his wife away in one of their times of need (after we did so much for her and gave her so much money when we did have it) that it became really hard for me to reach out for help. Besides, the situation last year turned so bad that I didn’t think anyone could help us. I had no idea Tammy had this basement apartment and that she would have flown us to her.

I had said that there was nothing to say we still wouldn’t struggle throughout most of our lives, but there’s also nothing to really say we will either. Circumstances beyond our control will always arise. We didn’t make the economy go bad. It’s being prepared for those things that are out of our control that either make you or break you when the shit hits the fan in life.

I also spoke to Paula. She’s her usual self but sounds good. Meaning that she sounded perky and glad to hear from me. She has some medical issues, though, with her stomach and foot. I misunderstood, too. She lost 30 pounds, not 50. Still, that’s a lot of weight. Sentencing is right around the corner on the 3rd so she’s nervous about that.

I feel bad for Eileen. She and her husband have been having a super hard time with things lately.

It’s been surprisingly quiet these last two days. I expected chainsaws, engine gunning and more barking, but haven’t heard much of anything. It’s still pretty warm, though.

The woman who loved her husband but did not love her kids has died. She died last night at 6pm ET just one day shy of the day my dad died 7 months ago. First Dad, then my beloved pet, and then her. Makes me wonder – and worry – who could be next.

I picked up the voice message from Tammy when I awoke 4 or 5 hours earlier than I thought I would. I was so tired all day yesterday that I crashed a few hours earlier. I’ve been up since midnight. PT, that is. At around 6am my time I’ll call both Tammy and the attorney.

Back to Mom. Did she suffer in the end? Did she even have any sense of awareness? I wonder about these things. How hard was it on Tammy? Probably hard enough. Her voice sounded weary and strained. When I hadn’t heard from her by noon my time yesterday, I assumed mom held out till she got there, after all, unless she’d either killed or been killed by Larry.

Has Mom joined Dad in the afterlife? Are they at peace together there? Well, if they are then that would mean that the only ones to pay for the abuse she inflicted upon others in life are the victims. So while I know my dad may want to be reunited with her and while it may sound like a very romantic notion, I know he won’t be with her if she’s off somewhere else (in hell?) being made to suffer.

Then again there’s still always the possibility that there is no afterlife. Or maybe we’re reincarnated. Maybe she’s been reborn to a drug-addicted prostitute who will beat her ass every chance she gets. Guess we’ll never know any more than we’ll know who/what created the universe. Did God? Science says otherwise, but there still may’ve been a God behind the Big Bang. And does the same God rule just planet Earth? The whole solar system? The whole galaxy? Questions, questions, questions, but never any answers.

I guess it takes a few days for the spirit to get to where it’s going and to be able to do anything. At least that’s what I hear some people believe. Right now, though, she’s probably freezing her ass off in the morgue, but tomorrow (now today) she’ll be anything but cold when she has her date with the crematory folks.

How do I feel? Well, I still haven’t cried for her and I doubt I ever will. But as for any possible afterlife; I’m torn. Sure I’d like to see her with Dad and for them to live in peace for all eternity. But I’d also like to see her suffer for her abuse. I’m tired of watching every single person who’s ever wronged me, be it in a big way or a small way, up and get away with it as if it were nothing at all. No God, no law, no nothing, has ever made them pay for their offenses against me. This both angers and scares me because it leads me to believe that someone up there thinks it’s ok. It’s ok to screw over Jodi S. Well, it’s NOT ok, and I don’t care what any twisted God or law says. So yes, I hope she’s miserable if she somehow lives on in some other place and time, hopefully without haunting me in any way. I’d like to think she wouldn’t do that if she could, but when you consider what she did to me when she was alive, one can never be too sure. It’s part of why I refused her ashes. It seemed right to add Mom’s urn to Dad’s urn and have both parents together, but I refused her not just because I despised her but because I thought it might be a serious token of bad luck.

Bad things can and do happen to me just for minding my own business and trying to live life to the best of my ability. I’m not perfect, yet I do the best I can. Yet bad things still can and do happen to me. So why ask for trouble? If I can get into enough trouble without asking, I’d really hate to actually ask for it! It seems there are a lot of people out there who can get away with doing bad things, but if I just so much as dare think evil thoughts about someone, trouble heads my way. So I’m going to try to focus on more positive things.

Tom just got up and said he’s glad it’s over. Not just so that it won’t always be on my mind, but cuz he hates to see anything suffer no matter what they might’ve done. I’m glad it’s over too, though knowing how backward and unfair things are, I highly doubt she suffered much. I think she was too out of it to know what the hell was going on. Right now it’s me I’m worried about cuz if she’s coming after me she’ll “arrive” in a few days. Who knows, though, maybe it’ll go the other way around. Maybe she’ll feel so damn guilty for all she’s done that she’ll influence good to happen instead of evil. Like having the park call to tell us to come on down and pick out our new home. Really, I want to get the fuck out of here! Not just for obvious reasons, but the chainsaws are starting and so are the Jes pest and mutts.

The real Molly ended up apologizing to me yesterday, which was kinda funny. I thanked her but told her she’s got to promise that she’ll move on with her new life and that I’m just a boring old person anyway. But sure enough, she contacts me again to say she’s “moved on” yet creates another account. Brilliant. Typical Molly too, but at least I haven’t been pestered by Kim. That one’s even crazier. So crazy she could never apologize cuz she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. Molly knows, but just can’t always help herself.

Later…

Made my first hard-boiled egg and it came out perfect!

Went to Kmart yesterday and ended up getting quite a bit for the $88 we spent. I once won a Rock Band keyboard that we sold for about $60 yet Tom got one for just $20. He plans to get a Wii sometime, too.

I got a couple of bottles of nail polish and a new silverware holder since ours is “peeling.” It’s made of wire that has a white plastic coating. But it’s so old that the coating is breaking off in pieces.

We also got a 3.5” digital photo display with a purple frame to put that idea I got from a dream to the test. I thought it would make a great night light for when I’m up at night to see my way around through to the kitchen and it does. It holds about 1000 high-quality photos but doesn’t shuffle through them, which is weird. It shuffles through the MP3s, though I don’t have any loaded on right now. It also has a calendar, clock and alarm.

Later…

“You knew this,” I tried to tell myself. “You knew God protects and rewards evil while letting the good suffer. You know He’s anything but a loving, caring God. You knew He would see to it that not only did his precious little child abuser not suffer on her way to the Pearly Gates, but that He’d let her screw you out of any serious money in the end, too. And He did. Both of them have added insult to injury and I don’t know who I hate more, Mom or God! Even Tammy’s pissed as hell.

Tammy swears she didn’t know Mom made these final changes until this morning, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that mom fucked me over in life and you would think that would be enough for her, but no, now she has to go and fuck me over from the grave, too. Apparently, I’m worth 40% to the bitch. Just 40%. Tammy says she gave up her share, while Walter, the family attorney, says mom removed both her and Larry out and said that I was to get 40% of the cash that’s left over when everything sells while each of her 4 granddaughters was to get 15%. Now I’m shitty with numbers so my first thought was that 40 was greater than 15 even if I still didn’t like it, particularly when it came to Jennifer. But after I had time to digest this info, I looked at the big picture as a whole. You mean her grandkids are 60% while her own daughter is just 40%?! The daughter she abused?! Fucking Jennifer hardly even knows she exists and Becky and Sarah can’t even stand her. Nothing against the kids, I told Tammy, who was very empathetic and understanding. She was just as pissed and she knew I would be pissed, too. It’d be nice if Jennifer could do the right thing and not accept what isn’t rightfully hers, but I know she won’t. So I would only get 4K out of 10K while these estranged grandkids she never abused get to pocket 6K. Now THAT really pisses the shit out of me, and I don’t care who doesn’t “get” it or who may call me “selfish.” If you didn’t know Dureen O, then you can’t possibly know how I feel.

As Walter said, he’d only heard what I had to say through Tammy so far and actually wanted to hear it from me directly, which is understandable, like when I said I didn’t give a shit about the furniture and jewelry. Our lovely mom said Larry, Tammy and I could split the furniture while Tammy and I split the jewelry. I wouldn’t be interested in these things even if I lived next door to the bitch, so I told Walter what I told Tammy – keep it. I guess the cradle robber made off with a valuable antique marble table, though, that he claims he wants to keep in the family (he and his child-woman moved back to MA cuz she missed her mommy), but Tammy doesn’t know what it’s worth. At least the unborn bastard won’t get anything. Therefore Miss Daddy Issues can have all the kids she wants with “Gramps.”

Tammy received her own slap in the face too, so she learned from Norma over the last few days. Apparently, when she was down there helping Mom when she broke her ankle, Norma called and asked where she was. “I don’t know,” was mom’s answer. That was really low of her.

I thought the store had sold, but I guess the buyer backed out of the deal saying it wasn’t worth it, so the store, store merchandise, condo and vehicles are all for sale. However, the bitch owes 97K between the condo and the loan she took out. She also had major credit card debt from when Dad’s medical bills started piling up, and then there’s store debt, too. There’s about 20K in-store merch. One of the vehicles, a 2006 Hyundai is worth something, but Dad’s 2000 van isn’t worth much. The condo is worth about 105K - 110K, Walter also said. So basically I could end up with anywhere from nothing to 5K - 10K. A part of me hopes I don’t get shit so that no one else gets shit, but I don’t want to lose out for anyone either. What I’m going to get for sure is unknown at this time. Walter has to go through everything, and until things are sold, his hands are tied. The only other thing I remember him mentioning is something about the condo being part of the trust or something like that.

Tammy’s at the condo gathering up what she thinks I would like. I offered to have Walter hang onto any shipping costs from my share, but she insisted on paying for it herself. She’s going to take it all up to CT and ship it from there. If there’s any good to not having moved yet it’s that I can just leave what she may send that I don’t want, and even she said not to worry if there’s anything I don’t want. I suggested she take pics of the stuff when she does get back, so she doesn’t waste time sending too much unwanted stuff.

While we were talking I mentioned the flowers.com GC I had won and the beautiful vase I had a flower or plant of some kind shipped to the bitch in. I described it to her and said it was a really pretty vase and I almost wished I sent it to myself (I should have!) and asked if she could get that for me. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about, but when I described the purple mirrored squares on it she said it sounded familiar and like something she’d seen around the place. So she dug through some shelves and found it.

She also asked if I wanted figurines she had of children by an artist named Jessie Wilcox Smith. I’d never heard of her since it’s been so long since I collected anything, so I looked her up online. Her stuff is ok, so sure, she can send them. As I told Tammy, I like realistic-looking sculptures and nothing too cartoonish. She said something about large, colorful portraits too since she knows I like bright colors and modern things. She’s just the opposite. She loves antiques and that rustic look, too.

She’ll also be sending photos. Most of Dad, of course.

I was pissed, but not surprised to learn she was comatose and went rather peacefully and painlessly, though I guess they pumped her full of morphine in the very end. Now her ass is freezing in the morgue till Tammy can arrange to turn the bitch to ashes and dust. I feel bad for Tammy haven’t so much to do on account of the bitch between packing up the condo and then getting the bitch fried.

Maybe if I’d abused children I’d have had a better life overall, since it seems it’s usually the assholes that live quite well while the good people suffer. She brainwashed an awful lot of people about an awful lot of things. She brainwashed people into thinking she was rich. Judy thought she was rich. Andy thought she was rich. Hell, I thought she was rich! Compared to the starving and struggling I did, though, she was until the very end. In reality, she was just comfortable as hell. She was never literally rich.

She also brainwashed an untold amount of people into thinking I was crazy and that that was why she sent me away when the truth was that she couldn’t deal with the problems I had which SHE created.

Sooner or later God’s gonna send someone to fuck me over so that I WILL be able to make deal with whatever problems they cause me. I WILL get justice for myself and punishment for them. Damn, do I hate that bastard for what He’s allowed to happen! And her, too! Oh yes, sooner or later He’s going to send someone my way with trouble in mind and not even He will be able to protect them!

All I had was ADHD and PTS brought on by the grief she caused me. That’s all I had. Yet she managed to convince tons of people that I was truly crazy. Now I don’t give a shit who thinks what, but when you’re just a kid it hurts like hell. The question is why she did it. Did she think it would bring her sympathy and attention since she couldn’t just tell people I was sick or had a broken leg or something like that? There was an even worse stigma back in the 70s and 80s toward “crazy” people, so I would think that crying “Crazy daughter!” would have lost her friends rather than gained her any sympathy or attention.

Another thing that used to piss me off about her was how seldom she would praise or compliment my accomplishments in life. Especially if it dealt with things she couldn’t relate to. When I published my first book – not a word. When I’d win writing contests – not a word. When I’d discuss my language learning abilities – not a word. Was she jealous or did she just not give a shit? Maybe a little of both. I may not be able to drive or keep a schedule and I may be shitty at a lot of things, but I’m anything but the stupid, crazy person she loved to brag I was.

I hope she’s rotting in Hell even if it means Dad has to do without her. Tom thinks they’re together, though, cuz he doesn’t believe in Hell. Maybe it’d be a good thing if Tom was right. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about not only dying a slow, painful, and totally miserable death all alone, but I wouldn’t have to worry about being thrown into Hell because I wasn’t “bad enough.” Hey, stealing candy as a kid, telling a few tall tales, and making pranks simply wouldn’t be enough to earn me a ticket to Heaven if there was such a thing. No, you need to abuse children and treat your daughter like she’s only 40% of your life and like that’s all she’s worth in order to get to Heaven.

Well, Miss 40% still wishes the very, very worst upon her! Miss 40% still has people who love her and who recognize her strengths and not just her weaknesses, just like Tammy pointed out. Miss 40% will rise above these assholes and have a decent home someday, even though, as Tammy also said, home is where Tom is and our hearts are. Miss 40% will never forgive her mother, and God forever has Miss 40%’s undying and totally devoted hatred!

Getting more views from Florida and wondering if it’s anyone I know. Mary? A friend or family member? And who asked “Are you jealous of Tammy because she’s doing better than you?” on Ask? Molly? Kim? Someone else? My guess is Molly, so I deleted that question and “apologized” from her to me for stalking me out of jealousy. I suppose I really should just delete and ignore shit like this, though.

People have said that I should forgive my mother because if I do, then she’ll no longer have control over me. First of all, forgiveness is not a matter of choice any more than what foods, colors or music we like and dislike. Secondly, she doesn’t have control over me or my life and she hasn’t since the day I moved out on my own right before I turned 19. Sometimes I wonder if most people really encourage forgiveness in hopes that people will be quicker to forgive them when people get mad at them for whatever. Not saying this is the case. I’m just saying it’s not something I can consciously pick and choose to do at will. If you can, then wow. Just wow. You’re amazing.

When I was around 7 or 8 my mom was playing music in our living room one day. It was a song called Mama by Connie Francis. In a very melancholy voice, she sang of missing her dead mother and it made me very sad. The thought of losing my own mother, despite how abusive she could be, brought me to tears. I couldn’t imagine life without mom for all mothers abused their kids, right? That was perfectly normal, right?

Well, I haven’t heard back from my sister yet and I don’t know if my mom’s gone yet or not, but the me of today who knows what’s “normal” and what’s not, is not in tears at all.

Anyway, I’ll just be glad when all is said and done, but not as much as Tammy no doubt will be. She’s not doing well at all. She’s in poor health and the trips to and from Florida have been costing her a fortune.

Still no moving dreams and still not sure what I want. It’s easy for me to say I want a 1990 or newer place that’s 1000-1500 square feet cuz that’s sufficient space for two people and then there’d be less renovating to do. But if we go with an older place, we could make it exactly what we want it to be and save money on the monthly lot rent.

Pam, his coworker who lives there, told us something good and bad. The bad is that it may take a few weeks for the park to process our application. The good is that she says she thinks we’ll get in. She says she’s known of people who have gotten in with horrible credit and our credit isn’t “horrible.” It’s just not that good.

Tom’s gonna replace the brakes on the car soon cuz that’s another good and bad thing right there. Whatever park we get into won’t let you work on cars there. This is good since that is totally, totally annoying to have to listen to. The Jes pest is already running, gunning, beating and bashing that old truck of his and it’s so annoying to have to listen to at this distance. So to have people do this shit just a few feet away would drive me crazy. As it is I still think I’m going to hear enough barking dogs being walked around the park, people hanging out chatting, vehicles coming and going, landscaping projects, etc. Hopefully, none of it will be overly loud, though, and I’m sure that at night as well as when it’s raining or really hot, it should be pretty peaceful.

I was listening to electromagnetic vibrations converted into sound waves of the Earth and other planets. It’s awesome! Weird but awesome. I’ve always been fascinated by outer space and the endless possibilities of the various forms of intelligent life that could exist in other solar systems.

Our connection is getting worse and worse. I worry about the day there’s no service at all and we call them just to be told the same old usual bullshit response of “everything’s ok,” after being on hold for 3 hours.

Tom’s gone to work and Tammy’s getting ready to head down to Florida. At first I didn’t understand why she wanted me to call her or why she left a message yesterday (I was asleep) now that she’s able to get online, but then she messaged me on Facebook.

She gave me the attorney’s number to call on Monday. I don’t know what much he can tell me, though, that I don’t already know.

Back when I lived in Phoenix, Tammy, Larry and I each pitched in to get Mom a ring containing our birthstones. She offered that to me but I’m not interested. Besides, it’d be too big on me and I don’t think I could sell it for much, especially in this economy. She also offered a small urn with mom’s ashes like what dad’s in, but I said what she said the rest of the family was saying – fuck no. I just burst out laughing to myself wondering what the fuck will become of her ashes that no one wants. Again, the fish in the ocean would certainly want her. Why can’t she just go there and put the $500 we’d save in cremation expenses in my pocket?

As I’ve said before, it isn’t about us needing money now; it’s about milking what I can from this abusive bitch who never did a day’s time for every kick, punch and slap she administered to me, let alone the depression and anger she also caused me.

If you could speed up this last year into just a few seconds, it’s like something pushed Tom and I out of the way of a flying bullet, and let my parents take the bullet instead for this year it’s my mother’s turn to be on death row. Only difference is that where our situation seemed 100% hopeless for a couple of weeks, hers is 1000% hopeless.

I was discussing with Tom how frustrating it is that we’re still here and might not be moving anytime soon, and I still wonder why. Is it really because something up there is trying to stop us cuz it wants us to stay in someone else’s tiny dump? Or is something having Tom get hit with all this OT cuz something really good is on the horizon? Or maybe even something really bad? I can’t imagine what bad could cost us the money we’ve got saved and are continuing to save, and I sure as hell hope nothing bad arises. That’s because if it did and it sucked up most of our money, that would mean it would be something really, REALLY bad. If this OT keeps up for the rest of the year we’ll easily have 11K in savings, and if it did it for an entire year (though we know it wouldn’t), he’d make 53K in that year. He may get paid biweekly, but this next check alone will pay two months of rent ($825)!

Other than the money, it just sucks that he can’t have a life. He’s literally going to have to take time off to move cuz they’re not going to give him enough time to do it otherwise. He said he could straighten the department out he’s in in a week and then they could not only afford to stop paying so much OT, but they could also afford to lay half the department off. But in case he was one of them, he’s in no hurry for them to catch on to their own stupidity. It’s kind of funny in a way. For years we wished someone would let him work somewhere in the first place, even if it was just part-time. Now his whole life is nothing but work, work, work. Sometimes one really does get what they wish for even if it may take a couple of years and be a bit overkill. Now can we please have a decent house that’s not as old as I am and that isn’t so damn small?!

The cock up the hill has been gunning his fucking truck on and off since 7am. Cock, you better hope the next people in here are a lot more tolerant than we’ve been or are stuck here like we have been for so damn long!

The Internet was out for a few hours, and then I got a call from Tammy. Mom may not even survive until she gets down there, but I’ll explain more about our talk in my next entry. It may be a while, though.

Later…

For one solid day, I bawled my eyes out when my dad died last February 24th. I still miss him at times. But I have yet to shed a tear for my mother, who has just hours left to live, and I doubt I ever will. The situation as a whole is what’s sad. So any sadness I do feel is mostly for Dad and the fact that two people’s entire existence can cease to exist just months apart. It was almost exactly 7 months ago that my dad died, and now my mom may not make it until Tammy arrives in Florida tonight. Her flight doesn’t leave until 3pm her time.

I often said I wished I were an only child since it would probably make my life easier, yet despite my past problems with my sister and my hatred for my brother, I appreciate them taking care of things, so to speak. Tammy’s taking care of the store and personal items. Larry’s hauling out furniture in a truck. Neither of us wants it anyway. If it weren’t for them, it’d just be one more thing for Tom and I to have to deal with.

I also appreciate (and Tom agrees) Tammy keeping me up to date on what’s been going on. I don’t think she did, but it’s still possible she screwed me over. We’ll find out eventually if anyone did. I doubt it, though. I am pissed off to know that Jennifer’s getting money for reasons I already mentioned before. The money is to be split between my 4 nieces and I, though Tammy’s given up her share. She said if Larry wants his share, that’s ok. Not by me it isn’t, though there’s nothing I can do about it if he does. Even the attorney said he didn’t know what the fuck dad was thinking when he wrote out the will, according to Tammy.

She also tells me Larry’s broke. Well, he should’ve thought about that before he went up and knocked up his child-woman and been smart enough to realize she’s too young and he’s too old to be parents. Maybe the little bastard (God would be kind enough to give him the son he no doubt wanted) will choke on something or the doctor will drop it when it pops out and break its neck. Whorebag or not, at least its father won’t beat it up or put it down so bad that it ends up feeling like the biggest, hopeless, ugliest, totally abnormal piece of shit on earth. Don’t know about her, though.

We’re actually surprised the bitch didn’t leave all the money to her mutt, though Tammy and Mark have come to really love the thing, LOL. Seriously, though, her dogs were always #1 and were always treated like gold. We envied them. If they peed where they weren’t supposed to, they at least didn’t get their asses beat.

Mom’s got the death rattle, Tammy said, and can barely swallow. How she doesn’t drown on her own spit is beyond me. I guess she’s either drying up or they’re doing something to keep her from drowning on it, though I don’t see why they would want to prolong the inevitable. Drown the bitch, nursing home people, will ya?

I wonder if she’s even got any awareness or if she’s suffering, and of course a part of me – a big part of me – hopes she is. I guess she opens her eyes at times and she kind of did this to herself cuz she didn’t want to live. Tammy said she didn’t take her medication cuz she was so depressed. She may’ve bossed the guy around to death, but she really did love my dad. No doubt about that. That’s the one and only thing I can understand is her depression. If I would kill myself – and I would – if I lost Tom after 19 years, I can just imagine how she would feel after losing someone she was with for 63 years. No amount of crushes, lust and attraction can sever us from our true soul mates. I wonder, though, is it just her consciously or subconsciously wanting to be with Dad, or is Dad also out there somewhere pulling her toward him as well? My guess is that if he could he would seeing how miserable she is. Fine, he can have her!

Anyway, it’s not an infection that’s going to kill her. I guess her organs are just shutting down. When Tammy and I spoke when the Internet came back on, she said there were so many emotions running through her. She said if it’s any consolation to herself, she can know she kept her promise to Dad. On his deathbed, she promised to look out for Mom. Dad may’ve put up with too much shit and looked the other way too often, but everybody loved him. Everybody. But ma – even Becky and Sarah hate her. Lisa doesn’t, though, cuz mom favored her and she knew it.

Tammy said that may be part of why it’s been so hard on her was because she saw the decline. She’s been there so much since Dad died that it’s different when you’re there watching it as opposed to hearing about it from afar. I can understand this much, and I told her that. I don’t know if I could or would pity Mom if I were by her side watching her die, but I’m glad I won’t ever find out. Soon it will be all over and Tammy can go back home and never again have to deal with Larry.

An odd sense of freedom is coming over me now, though I’m kind of emotional at the same time. Not emotional in the way I was when Dad died, but to lose both parents in less than a year is still a big deal no matter what kind of people they were. I feel “free” knowing that from now on if I get into a fight with any family members, I don’t have to worry about my parents being dragged into it and then taking it out on me. No more can people go running to mommy and daddy, and believe me, I intend to let a few people have it when this is all over. Jennifer, Polly and maybe even a message to Larry’s child-woman just because I know it’ll piss Larry off that I got through to his mistress through her friend. That’s the only way I can get through to her since she doesn’t allow messages from non-friends. Tammy will hear about it as will the rest of the family right down to the most extended of extended family members, but guess who doesn’t give a shit? It will be legal, non-threatening, and even swear-free, but I have something to say to these people and I’m going to say it and get things off my chest. I don’t intend to have any more problems with family ever again, though, cuz Tammy and I are either always going to get along or we’re not, and if there’s any trouble, I’m gone. Gone for good. No need to stick around and fight or argue when I can just not bother with her. She’d probably harass me every now and then, but one has to do what they gotta do.

Anyway, while most people mourn the deaths of their mothers by basically staying in bed and crying all day, I’ll be celebrating at Kmart tomorrow morning. Well, Tom and I actually decided on this before I learned the poodle may go bye-bye tonight. We deserve some fun for once. He’s been working his ass off, and I’ve been waiting around month after month for nothing (at least we got richer doing it), so Sally Hansen, here I come!

Tammy told me more about her house. It’s on 3 acres and she hardly hears her neighbors. No barking, dirt bikes and motorcycles. Why is it always me that has to listen to other people’s shit??? Mark grew up there and his family has land all over that area. The place isn’t all paid for but it’s close. There are 2600 square feet on the main floor (way too big) and that’s not counting the full-fledged apartment they’ve got downstairs that Becky once lived in. It’s got a full kitchen and shower and Tom and I would’ve been welcomed there when we were in the jam we were in last year, and always will be, she says. This is very sweet of her, and to say that Tom could work with Mark, but I’d hate that climate and don’t want to be that close to Tammy. We may not be the family underdogs anymore (OMG!) but we’re not the overdogs either. Mark makes damn good money and stays pretty busy with his construction business. Hey, I always said God blesses my perps, didn’t I? And I still think she was in on the let’s-get-Jodi times of the year 2000. She didn’t just have low self-esteem motivating her. She had the anger of being dumped motivating her as well.

Tom was able to get ahold of the park people today and they said they were busy and got backed up in things and are going to process our application today. I still think they’re going to reject us. Meaning that I don’t think they’ll never let us buy a place in their park, but I think they’ll tell us we either have to clean up or establish credit first or both. This can take months.

We’re so frustratingly close yet so far from getting what we want, assuming we really can get any of the nicer parks to accept us. There was a 90s model for just 8K. It was in great condition, had the appliances we want, and was twice as big as this place. We get the impression the owner died and the kids are selling the place cuz the ad said they were even leaving their tools in their shed. We don’t quite have enough saved for this one yet. In a couple of months, we will. Now that Tom’s up I’ll see if he thinks it’s worth calling them and seeing if a deal could be worked out, assuming the park would accept us. Again, it’s not getting a place that could be a real bitch, it’s getting in the damn parks that they’re in! Unless we want to settle for the “sardine” park, and we don’t.

Later…

Nane got to take half the day off cuz they had a rough day at work yesterday. I guess their system was down and all they could do was hang around bored cuz the IT guy was on another job outside of Munich. Wow, if Tom got to take time off every time something went wrong at work, he’d never work! He’s tired as hell cuz of all the OT, but what a check we’re in for!

She asked about the park and how the credit thing works here.

Well, I guess Christiane is ignoring me (typical of the sane and pretty), cuz Tammy did reply. She’s leaving for Florida tomorrow to throw the poodle in the hospice. She’ll be meeting with the attorney to go through the store’s stock, and the pervert will be emptying the condo out and into a truck. Wonder how she feels about that. If it’s shit neither of us wants or could sell for much money, then it doesn’t matter.

While I still have no empathy for Mom, the situation is sad as a whole to think that two people and their lives can dissolve into nothing but a memory in less than a year.

As for the child-woman and old pervie, they both look like shit. And as I told Tammy, I say that because it’s true and not cuz I don’t like them. I would never say someone was dumb or ugly just because I was pissed at them because one doesn’t have anything to do with the other. Smart people and good-looking people piss me off just as much as ugly idiots. Nonetheless, she looks fat and plain and he looks like a criminal. Very scruffy, scraggly, unkempt and sloppy as hell. He wasn’t bad in his younger days, but I can’t believe any woman of any age would find the Larry of today attractive.

The itch to learn another language came over me and I started to study something radically different. Or so I thought. Even though I swore I’d never learn the Arabic language, I decided that since Urdu isn’t nearly as ugly as Arabic, I’d try that. But sure enough, it’s another fucking gender language! Is English the only non-gender bender in the world??? Screw it then.

I asked Tom if he would learn as much of as many languages as he could or if he’d try to perfect just one or two languages, and he said he’d go for the quantity. I can understand some French due to its similarities to other RL languages I’m quite familiar with, so maybe I’ll run through those courses on LM once we move.

So my newest admirer is Kay, who I just added on FB (Kaylyn G). As long as she isn’t batshit crazy (too soon to say for sure yet), she’s not bad at all but there’s no “spark.” You know how you can look at a person and think wow, they’re really beautiful, but that doesn’t mean you’d want to jump in bed with them? Well, she’s just pretty like a flower or a butterfly. You like looking at it but don’t want to do it. She seems to have a nice body and you usually need to be tall to have a nice shape like that, so I’m guessing she’s tall. Hair color’s a bit light, but I like its straightness. Can’t tell eye color, but I doubt it’s brown. Nane’s new competitor that isn’t! LOL

Ok, so she’s not male, not Lori-ugly, and not quite blond. But she is a little contradictory. On FB she says her mother “is her world.” On MO she described her as a physically and emotionally abusive bitch. She told me she prefers women, but “hates girls” on her wall. Maybe she means people her age. She said one of my recent pics with my classic “sunburned” face was beautiful. rolls eyes Okay, this should be flattering coming from an attractive 22-year-old, but I still prefer the older foreign chick. I realize the foreign thing is part of the turn-on. Nothing foreign about PA, though.

I never would’ve believed it if someone told me my online trolls would be crazy chicks instead of perverted guys. Guess it’s the benefit of being over 40. :))) Not saying she’s crazy, though…yet.

Can’t deny that the people you can meet online sure can be interesting. And the best part is that you don’t have to work with or live with any of them you decide you don’t like.

I don’t understand, though. You mean lesbians and bisexuals don’t want a damn thing to do with me when I’m young, skinny and pretty while the older and fatter I get I become “beautiful?” WTF??? I could kinda see Perez and TB cuz they were butches, but there isn’t a damn thing butchy about Nane and Miss Tats and Piercings. Tats are so-so, but I hate piercings that aren’t on the ears.

My message to Tammy is appearing as read on FB, but I don’t know if I trust FB and its little indicators. My last two to Christiane never appeared as read. Even if she didn’t reply, would Christiane ignore my messages? And why would Tammy? Unless something came up, I would think Tammy would’ve replied.

So does this mean she was just late getting back online and isn’t in Florida after all? She said she wasn’t taking her computer down with her, so I guess she’s not with the poodle after all. The poodle is Andy and my new nickname for her.

Getting really sick of these random weeknight outings of Jesse’s. As I know good and well, the barking won’t stop, since it’s dark out, until he returns. Well, that could be anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours to the wee hours of the morning. Man, I’m sick of this shit! Getting hit with it on weekend nights is bad enough. So now I can’t even have peace at night during the week some nights?! I don’t understand why no one shoots the fuckers even though they’d only be replaced within days. The people up the hill on the other side of him have to be just as annoyed, right? Or are they doing the same thing and leaving dogs out to bark at any given time? Well, we’re not going anywhere anytime soon, so someone needs to do something. I just don’t want to be the one to have to take responsibility for someone else’s dogs.

Anyway, I feel so bad for Tom yet we’re loving the speed our savings is growing at. They are working the holy shit out of him with killer 12-hour shifts. Again, I don’t know what the hell they bothered adding a second shift for if they’re not going to let them take care of things once 1st shift ends, but not even Mr. Optimistic himself thought we’d ever have money like this. He gets paid biweekly and we can practically pay all our monthly expenses including food and gas with one paycheck and still have money left over! While we seem to be stuck in a serious rut, it’s great not having to plan or budget and things like that.

But this doesn’t change the fact that I have a bad feeling we’re going to be here for a long time to come. He realized before he called the park that they couldn’t send us anything by mail because they don’t have our mailing address. So he called there today, but still couldn’t talk to anyone cuz the phones were down. The person told him that if he had an emergency they’d get ahold of someone, but since it wasn’t, all he can do is call back tomorrow. I find it awfully hard to believe the phones have been out for a whole week, so why can’t they just give us the bad news and let us get on with our lives? It’s kind of rude to keep people hanging like that and if they’re going to be either incompetent or make ridiculous demands of us, I don’t know that I’d want to do business anyway.

Tom says now that we’ve got enough money to make them a real offer, he just has no time to do so cuz he’s always working so damn much. The guy’s barely got time to eat, piss and sleep. I don’t think it matters, though, how much we can offer. The lot the place is on still has to be rented every month. So if they have a problem with those with less than perfect credit as well as no credit, then why would it matter whether we got a place for a grand or a place for 7 grand? Yet he says it does.

We still can’t get that nice of a place, though, no matter how much we can put down or even if we can buy it outright, cuz then we lose our security. If our expenses are more than they are here, then we can’t save as fast. The last thing I want to do is go back to living paycheck-to-paycheck or only be able to save $20 bucks a month. Being able to save $500 - $1000 a month has a way of spoiling you, and I don’t want to give that up by having a nicer place that ties up most of our money. Yeah, I’m tired of old, ugly places. Yeah, I’m tired of being cramped in like a little sardine. But we can’t have our cake and eat it, too. I’d still rather pretty up an older, cheaper place that we know would be at least somewhat bigger than this.

But that’s only if anyone out there will let us. If all the parks keep rejecting us, what do we do then? Stay here or get a place in the mainstream where the barking will not only be worse but we’ll be back having to deal with screaming kids and blasting car stereos as well?

It’s hard to believe the sardine park we liked the least wouldn’t be willing to work with us if we were willing to take a place nearly as small and as dumpy as this one, but that’s just the thing – I’m tired of settling! Whatever’s up there may not like me nearly as much as it liked my parents and I don’t expect to ever live nearly as well as they did, but I think my husband and I deserve a little better for once. No matter how much money we have, we don’t need to keep living like bums.

The cock up the hill left at 8pm. It’s almost 10pm. If the barking is still going on at midnight, then I’ll know it’s not coming back tonight. Damn God above for siccing this shit on me in every single fucking place I’ve lived in since I left the East!

Nane wasn’t ignoring me, just busy. She messaged me yesterday. She’s filling in for a vacationing colleague, then said something about expecting a lot of trades that day.

With all the sexism that still goes on toward women, I’m really surprised most men aren’t gay.

It’s the 18th yet Tammy doesn’t appear to have been online at all today. Could she be in Florida already?

I was mistaken the other day in a previous entry when I said that Ronnie was favored because he was firstborn and male. Male yes, but firstborn, no. The cock’s actually several years younger than his abusive sister who I hope is suffering her ass off now.

I would have to be kidding myself or in serious denial to think that any God up there could possibly care about me in any way. But I’m not about to tell myself what I want to hear or what may sound good. I’m not only not an easy one to brainwash, lie to or bullshit, but I’d rather face the cold hard truth, even if it sucks.

So why is Nane ignoring my messages? I know she was on FB because she “liked” some photos and commented on them, but she doesn’t appear to have picked up my messages. Maybe the “message read” indicator is glitchy or maybe she’s just busy, but I doubt it.

Facebook may actually have a game I just might like for the first time ever. It’s a Bingo game that pays real cash and prizes if you win. What’s cool is that I can set it on auto-play instead of manual-play and let it play for me while I’m writing or whatever. Usually, I avoid their games because there’s nothing to profit from them and I just don’t get them. The games are laid out in a busy, complex sort of way that’s hard to figure out. I’m not even sure I understand how this Bingo game works. There are a lot of extras involved that are confusing. It’s not a simple, straightforward game.

One of their applications has caused me such headaches. They’re not only spamming the hell out of me, but it’s not the companies themselves that are spamming me, so I’ve learned. It’s someone advertising the companies that are making money by paid clicks. I stupidly clicked on the emails to unsubscribe. Then I contacted one of them today and asked why they were still spamming me. According to them, though, my email wasn’t even in their system. That’s when I knew something was up that had nothing to do with the actual companies themselves, and then Tom explained it to me when he came home from another looong 12-hour shift.

Ok, I figured there was a catch to this game. You can only play for money if you have a certain number of Bingo Bucks.

The weather’s slowly cooling down and we’re starting to have chilly nights and warm days.

Tomorrow we’re expecting bad news from the park. When he still hadn’t heard from them he realized they probably sent a letter of rejection and it was waiting for us in the mail. It hit him that they’d be required to tell us to fuck off in writing. Tom will be picking it up tomorrow.

It’s ridiculous to be rejected for a place that would cost less than what we pay here for money we don’t owe. Tom said he’s going to try disputing these scammers that have ruined our credit or maybe even freeze the credit, but the bottom line is the bottom line. You can’t make be what isn’t meant to be. The bastard above certainly can’t agree with what we’re doing or want us to own again. Why would we have lost two places in a row and then spent the last 8 years renting if that wasn’t what was meant to be?

There’s still an option to try to rent this place that’s kind of nice, but the place is even further from work and more than what we pay here. Besides, I still think we’d get rejected for that, too.

Tom assures me that the more our savings builds (and it’s building fast with all the OT) the less our credit will matter. Maybe so, but I still think we’ve got many more months to go here which totally sucks. I really wanted to get out before the daytime temps dipped under the 80s and Jesse came out to beat, bang, bash and rev whatever new motors and other toys he’s probably been itching to get out and build, and before I have to hear every goddamn chainsaw in the area and much, much more barking.

We don’t pay our perps. Period. We were legally forced to do so once, and I vowed never to do it again once I was able to take back my life from the sickos that seized control of it for years. I won’t do it. I won’t pay any scammers just to get ahead. Not by choice and not by any twisted law. I’m not going to be “punished” for trying to get something I want and I’m not going to be told what to do. No one can tell me I have to pay something I don’t agree with, want to pay or owe. Not any cop, not any court, not any civilian, not any scammers!

There’s an even worse possibility and that’s the black bitch in Arizona. The bullshit was supposedly pled down to a misdemeanor but if there’s any way they can find out that the case pertained to a neighbor, then this sick bitch may still be controlling my life even after all these years. We don’t think this is the most likely case, but I swear I’ll go down and kill this brazen, hateful little fuck if it is! I’m sure I wouldn’t have to look hard to find wherever the hell she is. She would gladly die for me if it meant I may go down for life.

Ended up twisting what Alison and I think are probably Molly’s words, and it seems to have scared them off if only for a while. She confirms, once again, that Molly can get online. She may not be able to do it as much and maybe only at set times, but she’s reactivating and deactivating (probably so she can’t be blocked) her FB accounts and has been harassing her, Dustin and Regina. She’s “lonely” and “homesick” and so she wants Aly’s attention.

The group home, which I’m sure is unaware of Molly’s behavior, should never allow their crazies online access. Did they forget what kinds of people they house there when they added the Internet? If she gets to be more of a problem I wonder if they would help me if I contacted them. I highly doubt they’re aware of her online behavior. I doubt they’d help me, though. What could they do? Take her laptop away? Block my sites for her? Then again, if she’s in their custody, then she’s their responsibility, right?