Gross! A skunk sprayed really close to the house. I’ve got incense going in the bedroom and kitchen. What the hell is so close to the house that it just had to go and spray?

Anyway, I’m still kinda pissed, but I feel better today. I guess it was just digesting and accepting the initial news that got to me, but now that I’ve had time to think and sleep and think some more, there’s no sense in staying upset over things I cannot change. Doesn’t mean it’s right, doesn’t mean it’s fair, doesn’t mean I like it, doesn’t mean I’ll forgive my parents, especially my mom; it just means I accept that they were who they were – a couple of phony people who felt the need to put on a show throughout life instead of being who they were. If there’s an afterlife I hope they know just how UNproud of them I am. Even Tom said he didn’t realize just how important image was to them until now. They fooled an awful lot of people. Did they think they’d never die one day and that the truth would never be exposed? Did they think no one would find out they weren’t the rich people they wanted the world to think they were and that while they drove their fancy cars they were in debt and struggling their asses off, especially in the end?

Tom said the only thing he feels bad for them about is how they had to endure the stress of keeping up the false façade for so many years. I don’t feel bad for them at all, though. They made their own bed so it was only right that they lie in it. Besides, no amount of suffering could compare to the suffering I did in Valleyhead as well as right under their roof.

What I don’t get is why image was so important to them. Why couldn’t they just be themselves and not worry about who thought what? But it’s true, image was everything to them. Whenever we’d visit each other they saw what I was wearing and not the person behind the clothes. I was a skirt that may’ve been too short and a shirt that may’ve been too tight. I was never just Jodi.

They’re part of the reason why I have such an I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think attitude. Besides, I’m smart enough to know that not everyone’s going to like us no matter what walk of life we come from and no matter what we look like. People can hate you if you’re rich same as if you’re poor. They can hate you if you’re pretty as much as they can hate you if you’re ugly.

I anonymously asked half a dozen or so people on Ask what they thought of the 40% thing and the majority said they would be grateful for what they got. As Tom pointed out, they don’t have anything anyway. 40% of nothing is the same as 60% of nothing. Tom thinks I’ll probably get 2-3 grand. Well, at least that will pay for most of what we’ll want for the new house and then it won’t have to come out of our own savings even if he’ll continue to make a lot of money and our expenses will be lower.

I can just imagine all the stories they told in life! Hey, I always knew they were liars, just not the extent of it. “They brainwashed a lot of people,” I said to Tom.

“No, they fooled a lot of people,” he said. “Like with Judy mentioning an art collection. She had to have gotten that from somewhere as people don’t just pull something like that out of nowhere. Your parents had to have said something to make her think that.”

Well, I don’t think it ever existed. Obviously, that was another lie unless they once had something like it and sold it off to pay their debts and keep the false façades going. That’s why I didn’t understand Tammy being so pissed about Judy mentioning it. How is Judy to know what’s true and what’s not after they lived a lie for so damn long that so many people bought into? Yet she insisted she wanted to “get things off her chest” to Judy because Judy has a big mouth. “Nothing at all against Andy, but she needs to learn to keep her fucking mouth shut.”

I understand that Judy can sometimes resort to gossiping a bit too much same as my mother did as well as Charlotte and the whole damn bunch, but Judy’s just a sweet old lady who doesn’t mean any harm as far as I’m concerned. Yet Tammy says she never liked her and something about something she supposedly did a while back was “the final straw.” Something I don’t know about and that she wouldn’t tell me about. Personally, I don’t want to know anyway cuz it has nothing to do with me. As I also told her, I don’t know Judy’s address or phone number, not that I’d give her this info if I did know it. She asked about Andy and was glad to hear he was doing really well. All I told her was that they were in neighboring condos and Judy’s was up for sale.

Another thing she said (this one really shocked me) was that Mom and Charlotte’s friendship never ended. Really? But I could’ve sworn I was told mom dumped her several years ago.

Later…

Andy said I shouldn’t have accepted Molly’s apology, she doesn’t mean it, and I should’ve just deleted her questions. 

Yeah, he’s probably right. She’s “apologized” before and never meant it. I’m surprised there were no questions from her yesterday.

It just hit me that it could be Jennifer. I hope it is. Then she can know exactly how I feel about her. Well, not about her so much as about her getting any money. But as far as Jennifer herself goes; she never did anything to me, so I have nothing against her.

I checked FB and saw that she went to college sort of near Reading where I got a visitor from. I noticed that she dropped her last name and is now going by just Jennifer Lynn, like she didn’t want to be associated with her last name. Can’t say I blame her!

I realize that I may’ve come across as rather harsh where Jennifer is concerned and given the impression that I’m angry with her or that I have anything against her. I don’t. She never did anything wrong to me. She did not ask or demand to be included in my parents’ will either, so to be angry at her would be both unfounded and pointless. To give her 15% may be a bit much and perhaps 5% would’ve been more reasonable, but as Tammy said, I am getting the majority of the money. She and Larry aren’t getting any at all, though Tammy is doing well and has stated she doesn’t want it.

I don’t feel bad for Jennifer’s father, though I feel bad for her because of her father. He was an absentee dad for quite a bit of her childhood, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he became a stranger to her in adulthood.

First she lost her brother whom Larry favored being that he was both male and firstborn and I felt so bad for Jennifer because of it. I felt bad for Sandy, too. Sandy was always such a sweetheart. Yet Larry made both Sandy and Jennifer seem like second best. I don’t have to be a genius to know that he wouldn’t have taken it nearly as hard had it been Jennifer who was killed instead.

Secondly, she’s gotta feel awkward as hell over the fact that her father has “dated” minors and has thrown away his wonderful wife and daughter as if they were yesterday’s news. How ashamed and embarrassed for him she must be! Her future “step-mom,” assuming they really do get even dumber and tie the knot, is nearly a decade younger than her. Her “half-brother” will be nearly 3 decades younger. That’s gotta seem weird as hell!

Later…

I was going to post 10-20 pages a day of old journals on my-diary and LJ but found that to be a bit much. Then I decided on just a few pages a day, figuring no one would read them anyway, but I thought wrong. I was flattered to learn that a guy close to my age in San Diego finds it rather interesting to see what he was doing around the same time on the other side of the country, so I’ll keep on posting them. It just may not be as fast as I’d like.

He read about Valleyhead, researched it and found discussions about it. He agrees it sounds pretty fucking awful, and says he can relate to a lot of what I went through.

I’m also flattered to know, on another site, that I’m an inspiration for someone who has resumed their own writing. That’s quite a compliment! She’s a 34-year-old woman in Missouri and has already spent 3 hours on my blog.

“Guten Morgen. Wie geht es Dir,” I surprised Tammy with this morning when I called her. She knows I’ve learned quite a bit of German, but probably wasn’t expecting that, LOL. She’s still packing up the condo and finding it strange and creepy as hell being in there by herself. It’s still weird to me to know I just talked to them both less than a year ago and they were still with it and all that. sighs So sad in itself, but still infuriating to learn what I have learned the more their masks are peeled off.

The funeral is Sunday, so she’s got 4 days to fry the bitch. Mark and the kiddy lover will be down at the end of the week. Next Wednesday she returns home.

As I said before, I hope to hell we’ll never need it, but to know that Tammy would pay to fly us to her and take care of us till we got our feet on the ground should we ever go broke again, is a huge relief to know. She’s told me at least 3 times not to hesitate to pick up the phone and call her if we ever need help. Again, it’s a great feeling. No one wants to feel they’re all alone in the world or like no one gives a shit should they get in a desperate situation. But that’s the way it has been for the most part – those that care haven’t been in a position to help, and those that have been don’t care. Tom’s mother really put a complex on me the day she turned her own son and his wife away in one of their times of need (after we did so much for her and gave her so much money when we did have it) that it became really hard for me to reach out for help. Besides, the situation last year turned so bad that I didn’t think anyone could help us. I had no idea Tammy had this basement apartment and that she would have flown us to her.

I had said that there was nothing to say we still wouldn’t struggle throughout most of our lives, but there’s also nothing to really say we will either. Circumstances beyond our control will always arise. We didn’t make the economy go bad. It’s being prepared for those things that are out of our control that either make you or break you when the shit hits the fan in life.

I also spoke to Paula. She’s her usual self but sounds good. Meaning that she sounded perky and glad to hear from me. She has some medical issues, though, with her stomach and foot. I misunderstood, too. She lost 30 pounds, not 50. Still, that’s a lot of weight. Sentencing is right around the corner on the 3rd so she’s nervous about that.

I feel bad for Eileen. She and her husband have been having a super hard time with things lately.

It’s been surprisingly quiet these last two days. I expected chainsaws, engine gunning and more barking, but haven’t heard much of anything. It’s still pretty warm, though.