Forgiveness may take away an abuser’s power over us, as many believe, but forgiveness is also not a conscious choice. I couldn’t forgive my mom if I wanted to. Our emotions and beliefs aren’t something we can simply pick and choose at will. Wouldn’t life be grand if they were?!

Meanwhile, I didn’t disclose in public much detail on abuse suffered by siblings or other people because I figured it wasn’t my place to do so.

Woke up to two things that put a smile on my face. A message from Nane and a voice message from Tammy basically letting me know that Mom now has a foot in the grave. She didn’t use those exact words but is going to be making arrangements to fly back down to Florida. I didn’t call her back only because I didn’t think it was necessary, though I appreciate her keeping me up to date.

The woman who ate lobster and other gourmet foods on a regular basis while her daughter struggled to make her food stamps last so she could eat cheap, fattening crap is on her way out of this world. Coincidently it’s right after the “influencer” went on an emotional rampage and mentally beat the crap out of her.

I am both thrilled and worried about her upcoming date with death. I’m thrilled for obvious reasons and I hope to hell she suffers miserably in the end as well as in the afterlife if there is one. But I also wonder – could she and would she make my life hell from the afterlife? Well, I don’t know if she could, but I suppose that if she had no problem shitting on me in this life, why not the afterlife? And if God thought it was quite ok here, why not there?

I don’t know what I feel more for my sister, sorry for her or grateful to her. I’m so sorry she has to disrupt her life yet again on top of her health problems and go down and deal with more of this evil bitch’s shit, but I’m grateful as hell to her that she is because I could never do it myself if I lived down the street.

As I told her, to each their own, but I’m not a do-right-by-God kind of person. I do right by my husband and cleaning up after my abuser just wouldn’t sit right with me.

For as long as I remember BOTH mom and dad have assured me I’d get a sizeable inheritance. It’s the least they could’ve done for their abuse. But mom just had to overspend while dad just had to give in to her every whim, and now, even though we’re doing very well indeed, we don’t get shit. But whether or not we’re poor as can be or just ok or rich as hell isn’t the point. It’s being lied to and not getting any form of “compensation” from those that have burned me that really pisses the shit out of me.

There’s also no saying what I’d do to Larry if I were there and he stepped out of line. As it is I suggested Tammy not go to the bitch’s place to clear it out (I thought it was already empty but apparently not) without the attorney present in case he tries to attack her. She has medical problems that don’t exactly leave her in very good shape, and since the police care more about what people say than what they actually do, they probably wouldn’t arrest his ass if it did go a little whacko on her, and would “justify” it by excusing his behavior on account of his state of mind over losing his mother.

Enough family drama. Although Tom’s doing OT like crazy and making us richer by the minute even though we may not feel it living in a trashy old trailer, I’m worried that we’re going to be stuck here for many more months to come while our lovely God throws even more curveballs at us to keep us from owning again. When he was dropping off our park application he overheard Sandy, the woman, he spoke to, tell someone on the phone that they couldn’t be flexible with those with no credit. We chose not to bother with credit years ago. We could establish credit if we had to, but that would take months.

The barking that’s usually reserved for weekends was an issue last night, but the Jes pest didn’t stay out overnight. Still, I wish he would just stay the fuck home so I don’t have to throw on sound machines to deal with it! All my other neighbors I wished to hell would go out more often. This one needs to stick around more often.

Later…

Accidentally “ran into” Donna’s equally evil sister Margaret. Facebook always shows people it thinks you may know, and since she was affiliated with VH, up her profile popped. I sent her a message letting her know I was glad to see she wasn’t working with kids these days and took her on a little trip down Memory Lane with the way her dear sister ostracized me and made me feel ashamed for jumping and almost sorry I didn’t do more than just bust an arm.

She reacted by blocking me. I noticed this when her profile pic was no longer visible within the list of those I’d messaged. No reply, not even any visit to my blog that I know of, she just put me out of sight and out of mind, LOL.

I also noticed that Maliheh’s profile pic changed yesterday so she’s definitely alive. I just don’t get her at times. Again, I don’t want to chat with her or anyone else every single day, but why the long absences?

Is she disabling cookies when picking up my email, or has she just not checked them in that long? It does seem kind of odd to think she’d go this long without reading my messages. I thought she once said that she reads them every few days.