Our connection is getting worse and worse. I worry about the day there’s no service at all and we call them just to be told the same old usual bullshit response of “everything’s ok,” after being on hold for 3 hours.

Tom’s gone to work and Tammy’s getting ready to head down to Florida. At first I didn’t understand why she wanted me to call her or why she left a message yesterday (I was asleep) now that she’s able to get online, but then she messaged me on Facebook.

She gave me the attorney’s number to call on Monday. I don’t know what much he can tell me, though, that I don’t already know.

Back when I lived in Phoenix, Tammy, Larry and I each pitched in to get Mom a ring containing our birthstones. She offered that to me but I’m not interested. Besides, it’d be too big on me and I don’t think I could sell it for much, especially in this economy. She also offered a small urn with mom’s ashes like what dad’s in, but I said what she said the rest of the family was saying – fuck no. I just burst out laughing to myself wondering what the fuck will become of her ashes that no one wants. Again, the fish in the ocean would certainly want her. Why can’t she just go there and put the $500 we’d save in cremation expenses in my pocket?

As I’ve said before, it isn’t about us needing money now; it’s about milking what I can from this abusive bitch who never did a day’s time for every kick, punch and slap she administered to me, let alone the depression and anger she also caused me.

If you could speed up this last year into just a few seconds, it’s like something pushed Tom and I out of the way of a flying bullet, and let my parents take the bullet instead for this year it’s my mother’s turn to be on death row. Only difference is that where our situation seemed 100% hopeless for a couple of weeks, hers is 1000% hopeless.

I was discussing with Tom how frustrating it is that we’re still here and might not be moving anytime soon, and I still wonder why. Is it really because something up there is trying to stop us cuz it wants us to stay in someone else’s tiny dump? Or is something having Tom get hit with all this OT cuz something really good is on the horizon? Or maybe even something really bad? I can’t imagine what bad could cost us the money we’ve got saved and are continuing to save, and I sure as hell hope nothing bad arises. That’s because if it did and it sucked up most of our money, that would mean it would be something really, REALLY bad. If this OT keeps up for the rest of the year we’ll easily have 11K in savings, and if it did it for an entire year (though we know it wouldn’t), he’d make 53K in that year. He may get paid biweekly, but this next check alone will pay two months of rent ($825)!

Other than the money, it just sucks that he can’t have a life. He’s literally going to have to take time off to move cuz they’re not going to give him enough time to do it otherwise. He said he could straighten the department out he’s in in a week and then they could not only afford to stop paying so much OT, but they could also afford to lay half the department off. But in case he was one of them, he’s in no hurry for them to catch on to their own stupidity. It’s kind of funny in a way. For years we wished someone would let him work somewhere in the first place, even if it was just part-time. Now his whole life is nothing but work, work, work. Sometimes one really does get what they wish for even if it may take a couple of years and be a bit overkill. Now can we please have a decent house that’s not as old as I am and that isn’t so damn small?!

The cock up the hill has been gunning his fucking truck on and off since 7am. Cock, you better hope the next people in here are a lot more tolerant than we’ve been or are stuck here like we have been for so damn long!

The Internet was out for a few hours, and then I got a call from Tammy. Mom may not even survive until she gets down there, but I’ll explain more about our talk in my next entry. It may be a while, though.

Later…

For one solid day, I bawled my eyes out when my dad died last February 24th. I still miss him at times. But I have yet to shed a tear for my mother, who has just hours left to live, and I doubt I ever will. The situation as a whole is what’s sad. So any sadness I do feel is mostly for Dad and the fact that two people’s entire existence can cease to exist just months apart. It was almost exactly 7 months ago that my dad died, and now my mom may not make it until Tammy arrives in Florida tonight. Her flight doesn’t leave until 3pm her time.

I often said I wished I were an only child since it would probably make my life easier, yet despite my past problems with my sister and my hatred for my brother, I appreciate them taking care of things, so to speak. Tammy’s taking care of the store and personal items. Larry’s hauling out furniture in a truck. Neither of us wants it anyway. If it weren’t for them, it’d just be one more thing for Tom and I to have to deal with.

I also appreciate (and Tom agrees) Tammy keeping me up to date on what’s been going on. I don’t think she did, but it’s still possible she screwed me over. We’ll find out eventually if anyone did. I doubt it, though. I am pissed off to know that Jennifer’s getting money for reasons I already mentioned before. The money is to be split between my 4 nieces and I, though Tammy’s given up her share. She said if Larry wants his share, that’s ok. Not by me it isn’t, though there’s nothing I can do about it if he does. Even the attorney said he didn’t know what the fuck dad was thinking when he wrote out the will, according to Tammy.

She also tells me Larry’s broke. Well, he should’ve thought about that before he went up and knocked up his child-woman and been smart enough to realize she’s too young and he’s too old to be parents. Maybe the little bastard (God would be kind enough to give him the son he no doubt wanted) will choke on something or the doctor will drop it when it pops out and break its neck. Whorebag or not, at least its father won’t beat it up or put it down so bad that it ends up feeling like the biggest, hopeless, ugliest, totally abnormal piece of shit on earth. Don’t know about her, though.

We’re actually surprised the bitch didn’t leave all the money to her mutt, though Tammy and Mark have come to really love the thing, LOL. Seriously, though, her dogs were always #1 and were always treated like gold. We envied them. If they peed where they weren’t supposed to, they at least didn’t get their asses beat.

Mom’s got the death rattle, Tammy said, and can barely swallow. How she doesn’t drown on her own spit is beyond me. I guess she’s either drying up or they’re doing something to keep her from drowning on it, though I don’t see why they would want to prolong the inevitable. Drown the bitch, nursing home people, will ya?

I wonder if she’s even got any awareness or if she’s suffering, and of course a part of me – a big part of me – hopes she is. I guess she opens her eyes at times and she kind of did this to herself cuz she didn’t want to live. Tammy said she didn’t take her medication cuz she was so depressed. She may’ve bossed the guy around to death, but she really did love my dad. No doubt about that. That’s the one and only thing I can understand is her depression. If I would kill myself – and I would – if I lost Tom after 19 years, I can just imagine how she would feel after losing someone she was with for 63 years. No amount of crushes, lust and attraction can sever us from our true soul mates. I wonder, though, is it just her consciously or subconsciously wanting to be with Dad, or is Dad also out there somewhere pulling her toward him as well? My guess is that if he could he would seeing how miserable she is. Fine, he can have her!

Anyway, it’s not an infection that’s going to kill her. I guess her organs are just shutting down. When Tammy and I spoke when the Internet came back on, she said there were so many emotions running through her. She said if it’s any consolation to herself, she can know she kept her promise to Dad. On his deathbed, she promised to look out for Mom. Dad may’ve put up with too much shit and looked the other way too often, but everybody loved him. Everybody. But ma – even Becky and Sarah hate her. Lisa doesn’t, though, cuz mom favored her and she knew it.

Tammy said that may be part of why it’s been so hard on her was because she saw the decline. She’s been there so much since Dad died that it’s different when you’re there watching it as opposed to hearing about it from afar. I can understand this much, and I told her that. I don’t know if I could or would pity Mom if I were by her side watching her die, but I’m glad I won’t ever find out. Soon it will be all over and Tammy can go back home and never again have to deal with Larry.

An odd sense of freedom is coming over me now, though I’m kind of emotional at the same time. Not emotional in the way I was when Dad died, but to lose both parents in less than a year is still a big deal no matter what kind of people they were. I feel “free” knowing that from now on if I get into a fight with any family members, I don’t have to worry about my parents being dragged into it and then taking it out on me. No more can people go running to mommy and daddy, and believe me, I intend to let a few people have it when this is all over. Jennifer, Polly and maybe even a message to Larry’s child-woman just because I know it’ll piss Larry off that I got through to his mistress through her friend. That’s the only way I can get through to her since she doesn’t allow messages from non-friends. Tammy will hear about it as will the rest of the family right down to the most extended of extended family members, but guess who doesn’t give a shit? It will be legal, non-threatening, and even swear-free, but I have something to say to these people and I’m going to say it and get things off my chest. I don’t intend to have any more problems with family ever again, though, cuz Tammy and I are either always going to get along or we’re not, and if there’s any trouble, I’m gone. Gone for good. No need to stick around and fight or argue when I can just not bother with her. She’d probably harass me every now and then, but one has to do what they gotta do.

Anyway, while most people mourn the deaths of their mothers by basically staying in bed and crying all day, I’ll be celebrating at Kmart tomorrow morning. Well, Tom and I actually decided on this before I learned the poodle may go bye-bye tonight. We deserve some fun for once. He’s been working his ass off, and I’ve been waiting around month after month for nothing (at least we got richer doing it), so Sally Hansen, here I come!

Tammy told me more about her house. It’s on 3 acres and she hardly hears her neighbors. No barking, dirt bikes and motorcycles. Why is it always me that has to listen to other people’s shit??? Mark grew up there and his family has land all over that area. The place isn’t all paid for but it’s close. There are 2600 square feet on the main floor (way too big) and that’s not counting the full-fledged apartment they’ve got downstairs that Becky once lived in. It’s got a full kitchen and shower and Tom and I would’ve been welcomed there when we were in the jam we were in last year, and always will be, she says. This is very sweet of her, and to say that Tom could work with Mark, but I’d hate that climate and don’t want to be that close to Tammy. We may not be the family underdogs anymore (OMG!) but we’re not the overdogs either. Mark makes damn good money and stays pretty busy with his construction business. Hey, I always said God blesses my perps, didn’t I? And I still think she was in on the let’s-get-Jodi times of the year 2000. She didn’t just have low self-esteem motivating her. She had the anger of being dumped motivating her as well.