The woman who loved her husband but did not love her kids has died. She died last night at 6pm ET just one day shy of the day my dad died 7 months ago. First Dad, then my beloved pet, and then her. Makes me wonder – and worry – who could be next.

I picked up the voice message from Tammy when I awoke 4 or 5 hours earlier than I thought I would. I was so tired all day yesterday that I crashed a few hours earlier. I’ve been up since midnight. PT, that is. At around 6am my time I’ll call both Tammy and the attorney.

Back to Mom. Did she suffer in the end? Did she even have any sense of awareness? I wonder about these things. How hard was it on Tammy? Probably hard enough. Her voice sounded weary and strained. When I hadn’t heard from her by noon my time yesterday, I assumed mom held out till she got there, after all, unless she’d either killed or been killed by Larry.

Has Mom joined Dad in the afterlife? Are they at peace together there? Well, if they are then that would mean that the only ones to pay for the abuse she inflicted upon others in life are the victims. So while I know my dad may want to be reunited with her and while it may sound like a very romantic notion, I know he won’t be with her if she’s off somewhere else (in hell?) being made to suffer.

Then again there’s still always the possibility that there is no afterlife. Or maybe we’re reincarnated. Maybe she’s been reborn to a drug-addicted prostitute who will beat her ass every chance she gets. Guess we’ll never know any more than we’ll know who/what created the universe. Did God? Science says otherwise, but there still may’ve been a God behind the Big Bang. And does the same God rule just planet Earth? The whole solar system? The whole galaxy? Questions, questions, questions, but never any answers.

I guess it takes a few days for the spirit to get to where it’s going and to be able to do anything. At least that’s what I hear some people believe. Right now, though, she’s probably freezing her ass off in the morgue, but tomorrow (now today) she’ll be anything but cold when she has her date with the crematory folks.

How do I feel? Well, I still haven’t cried for her and I doubt I ever will. But as for any possible afterlife; I’m torn. Sure I’d like to see her with Dad and for them to live in peace for all eternity. But I’d also like to see her suffer for her abuse. I’m tired of watching every single person who’s ever wronged me, be it in a big way or a small way, up and get away with it as if it were nothing at all. No God, no law, no nothing, has ever made them pay for their offenses against me. This both angers and scares me because it leads me to believe that someone up there thinks it’s ok. It’s ok to screw over Jodi S. Well, it’s NOT ok, and I don’t care what any twisted God or law says. So yes, I hope she’s miserable if she somehow lives on in some other place and time, hopefully without haunting me in any way. I’d like to think she wouldn’t do that if she could, but when you consider what she did to me when she was alive, one can never be too sure. It’s part of why I refused her ashes. It seemed right to add Mom’s urn to Dad’s urn and have both parents together, but I refused her not just because I despised her but because I thought it might be a serious token of bad luck.

Bad things can and do happen to me just for minding my own business and trying to live life to the best of my ability. I’m not perfect, yet I do the best I can. Yet bad things still can and do happen to me. So why ask for trouble? If I can get into enough trouble without asking, I’d really hate to actually ask for it! It seems there are a lot of people out there who can get away with doing bad things, but if I just so much as dare think evil thoughts about someone, trouble heads my way. So I’m going to try to focus on more positive things.

Tom just got up and said he’s glad it’s over. Not just so that it won’t always be on my mind, but cuz he hates to see anything suffer no matter what they might’ve done. I’m glad it’s over too, though knowing how backward and unfair things are, I highly doubt she suffered much. I think she was too out of it to know what the hell was going on. Right now it’s me I’m worried about cuz if she’s coming after me she’ll “arrive” in a few days. Who knows, though, maybe it’ll go the other way around. Maybe she’ll feel so damn guilty for all she’s done that she’ll influence good to happen instead of evil. Like having the park call to tell us to come on down and pick out our new home. Really, I want to get the fuck out of here! Not just for obvious reasons, but the chainsaws are starting and so are the Jes pest and mutts.

The real Molly ended up apologizing to me yesterday, which was kinda funny. I thanked her but told her she’s got to promise that she’ll move on with her new life and that I’m just a boring old person anyway. But sure enough, she contacts me again to say she’s “moved on” yet creates another account. Brilliant. Typical Molly too, but at least I haven’t been pestered by Kim. That one’s even crazier. So crazy she could never apologize cuz she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. Molly knows, but just can’t always help herself.

Later…

Made my first hard-boiled egg and it came out perfect!

Went to Kmart yesterday and ended up getting quite a bit for the $88 we spent. I once won a Rock Band keyboard that we sold for about $60 yet Tom got one for just $20. He plans to get a Wii sometime, too.

I got a couple of bottles of nail polish and a new silverware holder since ours is “peeling.” It’s made of wire that has a white plastic coating. But it’s so old that the coating is breaking off in pieces.

We also got a 3.5” digital photo display with a purple frame to put that idea I got from a dream to the test. I thought it would make a great night light for when I’m up at night to see my way around through to the kitchen and it does. It holds about 1000 high-quality photos but doesn’t shuffle through them, which is weird. It shuffles through the MP3s, though I don’t have any loaded on right now. It also has a calendar, clock and alarm.

Later…

“You knew this,” I tried to tell myself. “You knew God protects and rewards evil while letting the good suffer. You know He’s anything but a loving, caring God. You knew He would see to it that not only did his precious little child abuser not suffer on her way to the Pearly Gates, but that He’d let her screw you out of any serious money in the end, too. And He did. Both of them have added insult to injury and I don’t know who I hate more, Mom or God! Even Tammy’s pissed as hell.

Tammy swears she didn’t know Mom made these final changes until this morning, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that mom fucked me over in life and you would think that would be enough for her, but no, now she has to go and fuck me over from the grave, too. Apparently, I’m worth 40% to the bitch. Just 40%. Tammy says she gave up her share, while Walter, the family attorney, says mom removed both her and Larry out and said that I was to get 40% of the cash that’s left over when everything sells while each of her 4 granddaughters was to get 15%. Now I’m shitty with numbers so my first thought was that 40 was greater than 15 even if I still didn’t like it, particularly when it came to Jennifer. But after I had time to digest this info, I looked at the big picture as a whole. You mean her grandkids are 60% while her own daughter is just 40%?! The daughter she abused?! Fucking Jennifer hardly even knows she exists and Becky and Sarah can’t even stand her. Nothing against the kids, I told Tammy, who was very empathetic and understanding. She was just as pissed and she knew I would be pissed, too. It’d be nice if Jennifer could do the right thing and not accept what isn’t rightfully hers, but I know she won’t. So I would only get 4K out of 10K while these estranged grandkids she never abused get to pocket 6K. Now THAT really pisses the shit out of me, and I don’t care who doesn’t “get” it or who may call me “selfish.” If you didn’t know Dureen O, then you can’t possibly know how I feel.

As Walter said, he’d only heard what I had to say through Tammy so far and actually wanted to hear it from me directly, which is understandable, like when I said I didn’t give a shit about the furniture and jewelry. Our lovely mom said Larry, Tammy and I could split the furniture while Tammy and I split the jewelry. I wouldn’t be interested in these things even if I lived next door to the bitch, so I told Walter what I told Tammy – keep it. I guess the cradle robber made off with a valuable antique marble table, though, that he claims he wants to keep in the family (he and his child-woman moved back to MA cuz she missed her mommy), but Tammy doesn’t know what it’s worth. At least the unborn bastard won’t get anything. Therefore Miss Daddy Issues can have all the kids she wants with “Gramps.”

Tammy received her own slap in the face too, so she learned from Norma over the last few days. Apparently, when she was down there helping Mom when she broke her ankle, Norma called and asked where she was. “I don’t know,” was mom’s answer. That was really low of her.

I thought the store had sold, but I guess the buyer backed out of the deal saying it wasn’t worth it, so the store, store merchandise, condo and vehicles are all for sale. However, the bitch owes 97K between the condo and the loan she took out. She also had major credit card debt from when Dad’s medical bills started piling up, and then there’s store debt, too. There’s about 20K in-store merch. One of the vehicles, a 2006 Hyundai is worth something, but Dad’s 2000 van isn’t worth much. The condo is worth about 105K - 110K, Walter also said. So basically I could end up with anywhere from nothing to 5K - 10K. A part of me hopes I don’t get shit so that no one else gets shit, but I don’t want to lose out for anyone either. What I’m going to get for sure is unknown at this time. Walter has to go through everything, and until things are sold, his hands are tied. The only other thing I remember him mentioning is something about the condo being part of the trust or something like that.

Tammy’s at the condo gathering up what she thinks I would like. I offered to have Walter hang onto any shipping costs from my share, but she insisted on paying for it herself. She’s going to take it all up to CT and ship it from there. If there’s any good to not having moved yet it’s that I can just leave what she may send that I don’t want, and even she said not to worry if there’s anything I don’t want. I suggested she take pics of the stuff when she does get back, so she doesn’t waste time sending too much unwanted stuff.

While we were talking I mentioned the flowers.com GC I had won and the beautiful vase I had a flower or plant of some kind shipped to the bitch in. I described it to her and said it was a really pretty vase and I almost wished I sent it to myself (I should have!) and asked if she could get that for me. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about, but when I described the purple mirrored squares on it she said it sounded familiar and like something she’d seen around the place. So she dug through some shelves and found it.

She also asked if I wanted figurines she had of children by an artist named Jessie Wilcox Smith. I’d never heard of her since it’s been so long since I collected anything, so I looked her up online. Her stuff is ok, so sure, she can send them. As I told Tammy, I like realistic-looking sculptures and nothing too cartoonish. She said something about large, colorful portraits too since she knows I like bright colors and modern things. She’s just the opposite. She loves antiques and that rustic look, too.

She’ll also be sending photos. Most of Dad, of course.

I was pissed, but not surprised to learn she was comatose and went rather peacefully and painlessly, though I guess they pumped her full of morphine in the very end. Now her ass is freezing in the morgue till Tammy can arrange to turn the bitch to ashes and dust. I feel bad for Tammy haven’t so much to do on account of the bitch between packing up the condo and then getting the bitch fried.

Maybe if I’d abused children I’d have had a better life overall, since it seems it’s usually the assholes that live quite well while the good people suffer. She brainwashed an awful lot of people about an awful lot of things. She brainwashed people into thinking she was rich. Judy thought she was rich. Andy thought she was rich. Hell, I thought she was rich! Compared to the starving and struggling I did, though, she was until the very end. In reality, she was just comfortable as hell. She was never literally rich.

She also brainwashed an untold amount of people into thinking I was crazy and that that was why she sent me away when the truth was that she couldn’t deal with the problems I had which SHE created.

Sooner or later God’s gonna send someone to fuck me over so that I WILL be able to make deal with whatever problems they cause me. I WILL get justice for myself and punishment for them. Damn, do I hate that bastard for what He’s allowed to happen! And her, too! Oh yes, sooner or later He’s going to send someone my way with trouble in mind and not even He will be able to protect them!

All I had was ADHD and PTS brought on by the grief she caused me. That’s all I had. Yet she managed to convince tons of people that I was truly crazy. Now I don’t give a shit who thinks what, but when you’re just a kid it hurts like hell. The question is why she did it. Did she think it would bring her sympathy and attention since she couldn’t just tell people I was sick or had a broken leg or something like that? There was an even worse stigma back in the 70s and 80s toward “crazy” people, so I would think that crying “Crazy daughter!” would have lost her friends rather than gained her any sympathy or attention.

Another thing that used to piss me off about her was how seldom she would praise or compliment my accomplishments in life. Especially if it dealt with things she couldn’t relate to. When I published my first book – not a word. When I’d win writing contests – not a word. When I’d discuss my language learning abilities – not a word. Was she jealous or did she just not give a shit? Maybe a little of both. I may not be able to drive or keep a schedule and I may be shitty at a lot of things, but I’m anything but the stupid, crazy person she loved to brag I was.

I hope she’s rotting in Hell even if it means Dad has to do without her. Tom thinks they’re together, though, cuz he doesn’t believe in Hell. Maybe it’d be a good thing if Tom was right. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about not only dying a slow, painful, and totally miserable death all alone, but I wouldn’t have to worry about being thrown into Hell because I wasn’t “bad enough.” Hey, stealing candy as a kid, telling a few tall tales, and making pranks simply wouldn’t be enough to earn me a ticket to Heaven if there was such a thing. No, you need to abuse children and treat your daughter like she’s only 40% of your life and like that’s all she’s worth in order to get to Heaven.

Well, Miss 40% still wishes the very, very worst upon her! Miss 40% still has people who love her and who recognize her strengths and not just her weaknesses, just like Tammy pointed out. Miss 40% will rise above these assholes and have a decent home someday, even though, as Tammy also said, home is where Tom is and our hearts are. Miss 40% will never forgive her mother, and God forever has Miss 40%’s undying and totally devoted hatred!