Ok, continuing on with the family drama…by the time I was born, I already had enough reason to hate God. I was born without an ear, hard of hearing, with asthma and allergies, and to the wrong mother. I know there are worse mothers, but mine was bad enough. Then I grew up to have one dream after another denied to me. Those dreams faded with time and were no longer dreams in the end, but the point is still the same, I was denied the right to make this decision myself before they lost their appeal. Then I get shit on by life and the people in it while they basically get rewarded for it. What do I have to do to get some respect, kindness and rewards of my own from God? Go out and get a gun and pop some poor, innocent unsuspecting fucker in the face?

Tammy said that the lawyer, a guy named Walter, said he didn’t think there would be any money and would be sending me a letter stating what Tammy already told me, though Tammy said she thought I’d get her share. I already know I’m not getting shit. Meanwhile, I hope Jennifer enjoys what isn’t rightfully hers, and all the shit mom gave Larry and his child-woman which I have a feeling was much, much more than they’ve given me in the last 20 years. Tammy admits she has no idea what she gave them, but does know she gave them some dishes and silverware since they didn’t even have that much when they moved to Florida.

A few grand. Just a few lousy fucking grand! That’s all I wanted. How can any “good” God deny me even just that much on top of everything else? He has denied me so, so much in life. Why was that too much to ask for, and why does karma forget so many people? Nursing homes tend to be abusive. I’d like to think the bastard would at least see to it that her life is hell there as well as in the afterlife, but I’m sure He’s got her demented enough to think she’s in heaven. Tammy says she’s out of it a good 80% of the time. I told her to tell Mom to go fuck herself, but with my shit luck “go fuck yourself” would probably mean “you look lovely today” in the bitch’s twisted mind. All she obsesses about is beer and getting her hair done. Demented or not, that’s all she cares about. I have no desire to ever speak to her again and I hope her final moments are hell on earth and that she burns in hell!

Tammy sees things differently. She said she’ll never forgive Mom, but feels she did right by God by helping her out. Again, how can she feel she’s doing right by a being that let it all happen??? Shouldn’t she do right by herself and forget about God?

Anyway, I tried to calm Tammy, who’s sick of Larry’s shit, and remind her that once the bitch is dead, she won’t have any reason to have to associate with the pervert. I guess the pervie called her up and cussed her out for not letting him know Mom was in the hospital right away. When he was done she told him she hadn’t called yet cuz she didn’t know what the hell was going on. It was just some minor thing she was soon released for. I guess it was pain due to the stroke, but I really don’t give a damn what it was. That woman could never be in enough pain for me. Nonetheless, even the staff told him not to call the nursing home since all he does is cuss them out.

When Tammy was down in Florida she had some talks with Norma. Norma was always a good person even though I seldom saw her except for one time she upset me by telling others I was pranking her. Apparently, someone was pranking her and it was automatically assumed that it was me because of my reputation for doing that sort of thing. Then Andy had upset me further at the time when he wouldn’t believe that it wasn’t me, despite the fact that I had no problem admitting to every other call I’d ever made. He had some serious trust issues, but I know he has worked on that quite a bit. Everybody has their faults. Life isn’t about being perfect. It’s about doing something about those faults and trying not to make the same mistakes.

I still feel bad for dumping him for a decade. Oh, I still respect myself enough to rid myself of those who are rude, mean, or abusive to me, but Andy definitely didn’t deserve what he got. As long as I’m not fighting every week with someone and as long as no one’s trying to judge or control me, there’s no reason not to be friends with them as long as they don’t get pushy or obsessive.

I always liked Norma. My calling list usually consisted of those I disliked or strangers, so I had no reason to pick on Norma. That’s beside the point, though. The point is that she and Tammy had some talks and even Norma agreed mom was anything but a loving mother. She was into playing favorites, too. Where she favored Lisa when it came to her grandkids, she favored Larry when it came to her kids. I always used to say I got it the worst because I was the one who ended up a ward of the state and sent away, but I don’t know about that. I think Tammy and I both had it the worst but in different ways. She told me some things about Mom that I didn’t even know, and I don’t see why she’d lie about this. Seems mom got a little more physical than I realized she was capable of being. She not only loved to tell her she never wanted kids (I’ve heard this before too, and don’t understand why the hell she had 3 if she knew she didn’t even want 1), but she pushed her down the stairs one time and broke her leg. Nana had to bring her to the hospital the next day. She also backhanded her one day and her ring cut into the area above Tammy’s eyebrow and she needed stitches.

I got slapped around too, but maybe I didn’t get it as bad as she did because mom felt bad for my medical conditions and because I was so small. At 4 I looked like a 2-year-old. At 14 people thought I was 9. This stopped, though, once I was able to fight back. She was definitely much more abusive towards me in my preteens.

Tammy also said she told the school guidance counselor what was going on in hopes that they would keep what she told them confidential and help her somehow. Instead, she was called back to the office a while later, and guess who was sitting there?

I totally believe this because I had a similar experience. For some reason, I was afraid to go home one day (probably because I had to wake Mom up to find the outfit she wanted me to wear that day that she forgot to lay out for me the night before). The teacher asked why I was afraid to go home. I told her because I was afraid mom would hit me. Her brilliant solution to that was to have a little boy walk me home who lived nearby. Did she really think this 7 or 8-year-old boy could protect me against the wrath of a full-grown woman?

So he walks me home and we get to our street. I then tell him it’d be best to take off, but he refuses. My mother opens the door, eyeing him suspiciously. Why is her no-good daughter being escorted home by a boy? OMG, a boy! The fucking kid then goes, “The teacher asked me to walk Jodi home because Jodi said she was afraid you would hit her.” All I remember after that was cowering in the corner of the kitchen as my mother went to hit me.

The next day the boy laughed at me in school and gloated, “I saw your mother hit you.”

God protected that boy that day by not having me be willing or able to react as I am perfectly willing and able to react today.

Anyway, thank you, Mom, for the years of wonderful memories. You screwed me in life and soon you’ll screw me in death, too. Oh, and thank you too, God, for sitting back and watching it all happen. Yeah, you little bastard, you could knock an ear off me, you could deny me this, deny me that and let all kinds of assholes shit on me, but you can’t keep Tom from loving me or us from going home. And you know what else? You are NOT going to take this home away from us too, once we get there!

So like I said, I appreciate Tammy listening to me and letting me pour it all out without judging me. She never tried to say I was wrong for feeling how I feel and she never tried to change me. She also said that she hopes that next time we’re ever in need I’ll pick up the phone and call her for help. That’s sweet of her too, though no one I knew could’ve helped us if they’d wanted to had Tom not gotten a job in the nick of time. A few hundred dollars wouldn’t have saved us. The best she could’ve done was fly us to her and hold us up till we got on our feet. Just knowing she would do that for us if need be, though, is really nice. They say you learn who your true friends and family are if you ever do need food and shelter and things like that till you can make it on your own, and you know what? Tom and I intend to never have to find out if our guesses as to who’s true and who’s not are correct! That’s why we’re doing the opposite of what my parents did and are being smarter with money while we’re still young enough. I used to be bad with money too, though I wouldn’t have put our kids secondary to my spending habits if we’d had any. But still, I was a big spender for a while and that’s part of why we spend so much time broke. We weren’t “poor” until we came here. We actually did quite well through most of our marriage; it’s just that we were dumb enough to get an expensive house that sucked every last dime out of us so we couldn’t save, and what we did save I spent on needless shit like dolls. I’m not saying I’ll never buy anything for fun again, but still, I was a Dureen, if not nearly to the degree, and he was a softie like Dad who gave in to what I wanted.

If there was any good to come of the economic disaster we went through, it was that we learned to save while we can. Never again will we live paycheck to paycheck. We’re not only saving for a rainy day but saving for a thunderously stormy day as well. By buying a place outright, old dump or not, and by lowering our monthly expenses, we could save on unemployment if he were laid off again. Then after we get the renovations done all on our own like we’re going to have to, we’ll start plowing money into the 401K big time.

Do I think God will screw us some other way if He can’t get us financially? Yeah, He might. He’ll probably go after our health, but we’ll see. Maybe if we rise up enough to beat Him at His own game and show Him we refuse to lay down and be His underdogs and His little whipping boys, He’ll respect us enough to at least back off and leave us alone. Except for this shit with the will, He’s been pretty good to us this last year.

Andy’s been kind enough to be a reference for us. The park wanted two references, so we’re using him and his coworker Pam who lives there. I’m sure Tammy wouldn’t mind if we needed another one, but I doubt they’d want someone in Germany where Nane is, LOL.

Speaking of Germany, I’m not sure I like how a certain person there has basically ignored me since I told her what’s going on. I hope she’s just busy cuz I feel like I’m getting the same silent treatment I got when I shared our crisis with her a year ago. It makes me wonder if she’s one of those who can’t handle someone’s troubles or maybe doesn’t even want to. Same with Christiane. Oh, but I was quick to hear from Irene. Again, it’s always, always the ugly ones that care the most.