Tammy picked up my message to her but didn’t answer my questions about when she’s going to Mass General or if she likes MO better than MD. Does she just not feel like answering for some reason, or does she not want me to know these things, especially about the blogs? She hasn’t shown up on my report lately, which makes me think I was right in suspecting she doesn’t want to be tracked and is, therefore, sticking to MD. Then again, who knows how often she even goes there? Maybe she only goes once or twice a month if even that.

Part of me wishes she’d give me a reason to dump her before we move to an address we’ll be at for at least a decade. An even bigger part hopes she’ll return from the doctor with “deadly” news, but I know I couldn’t get that lucky.

Damn, nearly 30 people were killed in a school shooting in Connecticut! And at an elementary school?! Usually, it’s colleges and high schools, but now they’re taking this shit to elementary schools?! It just reaffirms what a sad twisted world we live in along with my hatred for a God that could sit back and allow this shit to happen.

Too bad a certain someone in that state couldn’t have taken one of the bullets. Instead, she’s allowed to play online all day, harassing people at the taxpayer’s expense. Sooner or later, however, the street laws will catch up to the cyber laws and start dealing with these brainless, jobless, hopeless happy little losers who do nothing but have loads of fun wasting space on earth and being a nuisance to anyone who has the misfortune of crossing their paths. I decided, though, that I’m not going to let them control me into tweaking settings and spoiling my fun. I hate letting them make me feel like I can only “partially” use a site. So I will re-allow anonymous questions on Ask and just keep saving the years and years of unwanted and unanswered contact for future laws that will hopefully scare these sickos straight.

Unlike Molly, who likes me to know when she comes around, Kim still prefers to hide in anonymity.

Some of the modern single-wides are pretty amazing compared to this old single-wide. In the 60s they weren’t allowed to make them wider than 10’. Then it became 12’ in the 70s. These days they have 2-bed, 2-bath, 14’-wide singles, fully loaded with all the modern appliances. They’re about 800 square feet and would be plenty sufficient enough for us. They even have pitched roofs. My main preference is still a doublewide that’s between 1000-1500 square feet, but a modern single is still appealing if the price and location are right.

Sure hope the old man in my dream last night is a good sign, cuz right now I feel like we’re a million years ago from moving. I don’t expect to be out of here before 2014-2015 with our change of plans and shaky credit.

In the dream, I was jogging down a street and knew I was in a senior community. An old man was sitting on his front porch when he asked, “Are you old enough to live here?”

“No,” I said with a polite smile, “but my husband is.”

Poor Tom is sooo tired of all the OT despite the mad money he’s making (nearly a grand a week) and it sucks cuz no one else is complaining. That’s because they want the extra money for the holidays, and they also don’t make nearly as much as he does. What’s scary is that this is their SLOW time. So what happens in January? Does he have to work 66 hours a week then instead of 56? We’re never going to get anything done around here at that rate! We still haven’t even fully set up the hotspot yet but are hoping to do so this weekend. At least he’s not only making great money and providing us with great benefits, but he’s now got over a week’s worth of vacation time, and we’re both looking forward to shopping tomorrow with the two $50 Target cards they gave him.

I made the comment to Tom this morning about it being shockingly quiet yesterday, but he said the dogs went off around 6pm (I was already in bed) for 15 minutes that he knows of until he too, went to bed. If he said it was between 7pm – 8pm I’d worry the nighttime weekend outings were back on again for the Jes pest, but at that hour he was probably just bringing his kid home. Besides, I haven’t heard anything since getting up at 1am. When he would take off between 7pm – 8am for the whole night, the dogs would bark consistently till around midnight. Then they’d taper off to scattered fits till around 3am – 4am, but I haven’t heard anything.

Later…

Thought I was done journaling for the day but I’m too pissed off not to be even though I knew damn well that this would happen. I “saw” it years ago. Partly thanks to the bastard above that just loves to not only protect my perps but also see to it that I don’t get shit from them, my parents’ fucking condo has gone into foreclosure.

Congratulations, God. You managed to add insult to injury one more time. Oh, this may not be nearly as infuriating and humiliating as being dragged through the legal system by my own perps, perps of a different kind, but it’s just one more slap in the face from God, as far as I’m concerned. AND my parents, particularly my mother. After all, God may’ve allowed her to do what she did and even “guided” her into doing it so as to cheat me out of getting anything in the end from the woman who happily kicked, slapped, threatened, cut me down and made my life miserable for years, but that’s just our twisted God for you. If He was any good, 26 innocent people wouldn’t have lost their lives in Connecticut the other day.

What my crazy, mean bitch of a mother did was spend and spend and spend as if money were flying out of her ass as often as she breathed. I don’t know if she even knew what the hell she was doing, especially in the end, but I do believe Tammy when she says that Dad was kept in the dark. She was supposedly taking out loans and maxing out credit cards like crazy behind his back. I miss my dad at times despite his enabling, look-the-other-way ways, but I REALLY hope that bitch is rotting in hell.

Meanwhile, it’s even more obvious that the bastard doesn’t want us getting any breaks in life just by the fact that the exact same condo across the fucking street from theirs sold for 120K.

I didn’t put this much in public even though she probably wouldn’t mind, but Tammy has Fibromyalgia and Fibrosis, and Lisa’s been ordered never to contact her again. Oh, and Becky and Sarah supposedly say that even if she got help, they would never forgive her. Again, I don’t know what happened but it must be pretty bad.

I appreciate Tammy for understanding that if her ex suddenly materialized in this room I would rip the shit out of him limb by limb. And I’m not afraid or ashamed to say so! This applies to a few others as well. Tammy says she and Mark have caught him in so many lies. The latest was his saying he doesn’t have much longer to live, yet he looked fine when they saw him.

I knew it. I just knew that bastard was faking the cancer or at least seriously playing it up.

With or without my sister involved, and right or wrong on my part, had he just done the adult thing and let me go off on his machine about abusing my sister and her kid like I did then deleted the fucking message instead of running like a spoiled, vindictive little boy to the cops, the warrant out for my arrest for my other perps that no one knew about would’ve remained unknown to us (we had no mail services where we were at the time), and I wouldn’t have lost half a year of my life and thousands of dollars, not to mention all the emotional stress and anguish I experienced. The warrant would have eventually expired due to the type of warrant it was and if it didn’t I wouldn’t have had any other reason to have police contact. Therefore I wouldn’t have had to be victimized all over again by old neighbors only this time through the law.

Ask me who I could never forgive and the answer will always be the same – her ex, the people involved in legally railroading me, and God for letting it happen. No amount of writing, therapy, soothing music, bubble baths or chocolate can ever change that. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is. Some things we can forgive, some we can’t. They should at least be thankful I’m not using full names even though I don’t owe them even that much and am not obligated to do so.

I appreciate the hell out of Tammy for letting me vent. She has never tried to tell me I’m wrong for the way I feel or for what I believe and I appreciate that. She was saying how we have a bond cuz of our parents, and regardless of any past problems or the things that make us different from each other, not even I can deny that.

While it’s great for her that her condition is not fatal, God hates me so much that I’m almost amazed it isn’t cuz then we wouldn’t have anyone to run to if He feels He just has to beat us over the head with money again. I suppose He could pick on us in other ways.

When I saw a group of cops hugging on Facebook after witnessing all the innocent children killed in the latest massacre, even I was touched. So many of them are nothing but corrupt, power-hungry bastards without a care in the world for anyone but themselves. They often seem to fail to keep in mind that it’s OUR tax dollars that pay their salaries. And it’s supposed to be for them to protect and serve, not bully and manipulate. Everything with them is macho this, macho that. They walk and talk with their all-mighty, tough little attitude that they might as well wear signs saying: I’m better than you, I’m the one in control, and I’m the one that’s going to win.

Yeah, it’s often about control with them, sadly, as opposed to justice. I have no respect for anyone in the system, let alone much faith in it to begin with, but the picture was undeniably touching. Not even I could deny that much. It’s too bad that it takes such an atrocity to bring out their human side no matter how “detached” they may be trained to be, and no matter what anger issues they may harbor that made them want to take a job as an authority figure in the first place so that they could act out some of their aggression and whatever else that may motivate them.

Like it or not, every nightmare has its blessing. Those poor little kids will never have to grow up to learn just how fucked up this world truly is. And just like I won’t get shit from my parents, neither will my nieces.