Had so much to do yesterday that I didn’t get a chance to write about all I wanted to write about.

Forgot to mention that Tammy also sent a couple of mugs we had made up at a mall back in the 90s with our pictures on them. We had sent them one year for Chanukah. Also, a Navy patch from when Dad was in the Navy. As for the pictures, I’d rather wait till they’re all scanned in before I get into describing those in more detail.

How right my sister was in saying we don’t have much in common but then again we do. Yeah, we have nothing and everything in common for damn sure.

I feel bad for her because she is struggling with her emotions right now and is on medication to help her nerves. Damn. Medication. Except for a round of antibiotics for my tooth a couple of years ago, and some over-the-counter stuff for allergies, I haven’t been on medication since the 90s. Regardless, she is so very hurt by many things. As for myself, I was more pissed than hurt, but I feel more at peace now that my parents are gone. There will always be some underlying anger when I remember them and the hell they caused me. As I’ve said many times, some things are just too big to forgive. I could never forgive my parents, the people who sought legal vengeance upon me in Arizona, Tammy’s ex for helping to ensure that it happened even if it was indirectly, or God for allowing it all to happen. I respect the fact that Becky and Sarah love him as he is their father, and while I can never see myself visiting New England – if by some miracle I ever do and I see that cock – I will simply squash it.

“I’m dying of cancer…” yeah, right! And I woke up to find myself a foot taller! But him faking a disease or the severity of it is nothing compared to helping to pave the way for the destruction of my life for nearly 3 years before the truth came out and I was vindicated.

I didn’t shed a single tear when I looked at my parents’ photos, though I felt a sting when I looked at Pa, Mom’s dad. He was a great guy. I wonder just how far back the cycle of abuse goes. I knew and saw enough of Nana to see where she’d have been a shitty mother to my own mother. She was big and stern-looking and I can see where her temper would’ve scared the shit right out of my mom. That’s no excuse to carry it on as two wrongs don’t make a right, and an adult should know right from wrong. Or maybe she did and she just never cared. People know smoking and speeding are wrong yet they do it anyway. It’s like with Kim, someone I quit trying to figure out as far as how she thinks or reasons, even though there aren’t many possibilities with her. She lacks empathy and compassion. Therefore, she either doesn’t realize that contacting those who don’t want to be contacted by her is wrong, or she simply doesn’t care about that or what consequences could befall her for it. The latter of the two is most likely the case since she would run and deactivate fake celebrity accounts as soon as she was confronted. That right there showed that she must’ve known that what she was doing was wrong. Why else would she dump the accounts and act guilty as hell?

Back to Tammy. I was surprised yet pleased to hear I’m just as important to her as her girls. Other than her husband and kids, I’m pretty much all that’s left on her side of the family save for some cousins.

I joked with her about how funny it would be to resurrect Nana and our folks just so we could laugh at knowing they were A, homeless, B, clotheless, C, insuranceless, D, foodless, E, moneyless, and F, without a soul to get even my rats’ asses about it.

Now for the good news. The condo finally sold and it wasn’t in foreclosure after all. I might even get something that will hopefully help with the move, but I won’t hold my breath. I’ve falsely gotten my hopes up for money enough times in my life. If I don’t get anything, we’ll still carry on with our plans. It just may take a little longer. Not much we can do till after these fucking holidays anyway. Really wish Christmas were once every 5 years instead of every year!

Later…

When it comes to the people I write about in my blog, I praise the good and bash the bad. But it’s important I let folks know that it’s not done with the intent of offending anyone. I am simply stating my thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs and personal experiences. That’s all. At least I don’t use last names. That’s where I definitely draw the line.

Tammy apologized for letting Mom pin her against me and feels bad for it. That’s ok, LOL, I had ill feelings toward her too for a while. But that is so, so Dureen. She would do something like that and I’m sure the number of people she bashed me to was countless. I don’t know why a mother would do that to any child of hers, but I do know that no matter what she or others may’ve said and continue to say, she never truly loved me. The things she did to me were not love. Anything she ever did do for me was done out of a sense of duty and not love.

Still no sign of my period. Even my chest doesn’t have the usual soreness I often get in advance. I could have Amenorrhea, so I just read, but as long as I don’t get the “serious lower back pain” or bone loss it can cause, it can’t hurt me. I wonder if it could be because I’m kind of athletic, although I don’t under-eat and over-exercise. I overeat and exercise an average amount. I eat about 1500 calories on most days and work out about 40 minutes a day. Could afford to lose 30-40 pounds, but since I usually eat more on weekends, I probably never will.

All this death surrounding me is a bit creepy, though, regardless of how much of it my anger may’ve influenced. I wonder if I’m next, but if it’s me influencing any of it, then I should be fine because we usually don’t get angry with ourselves in the way that we can get angry with others, and it’s usually my anger towards a particular person that triggers the negative effects against them. But I wasn’t angry with my rats and my parents were old and ill. So other than Larry, I don’t get this bizarre trend going on. I’m not even mad at Larry anymore. I’m indifferent toward him. I don’t care if he lives or dies, though the statistics for liver cancer do seem pretty grim. If he really truly does have liver cancer, and I can’t see him lying about that any more than I see how that could be misdiagnosed, he should be gone within a year. Liver cancer isn’t usually detected till it’s pretty advanced.

Odd or not, there have been numerous “coincidences” with people getting ill who have somehow crossed me. I was furious with Larry when I first learned he fathered a child and not because he is too old and his mistress too young. In my family, the grandkids tend to inherit as well, and before I knew that my parents’ “wealth” was just an act, however comfortable they may’ve been through most of their lives, I didn’t want this bimbo and the child that shouldn’t have been created to profit in any way. Well, not unless they were given something I didn’t need or want anyway. Yet these days, even though he’s mostly what I’d describe as a jerk with a decent sense of humor, I couldn’t care less if he lived or died. But do I think I unknowingly and unintentionally influenced his disease with my anger? Hmm… it’s possible. Again, the more this happens, the harder it is to write it off as a coincidence. My husband doesn’t think it’s a coincidence.

In fact, the book I’m reading is rather chilling. It’s about people like me. I realize most people who read it would think it was a work of pure fiction, and so would I if I hadn’t experienced mood influencing myself, but I was like, OMG, they’re almost talking about me! It happened just yesterday when the thought of having a cold pissed me off. I had too much to do! Well, it took me 5 hours, but my determination not to be sick eventually willed my body into rejecting the cold.

Anyway, the book was about an influencer much more dangerous than I could ever be. I’ve never levitated and hurled 200-pound bodies at 100 MPH into walls. In the story, there is a little boy who was severely abused. Murders with a supernatural appearance to them were occurring like crazy and this detective who knew the boy was somehow connected, went to a priest about him. The priest knew the boy and his family before they died in a fire. The priest then insisted that there was no ghost or possession taking place and that it was all stemming from the boy’s intense rage.

I’ve probably had this thing most of my life but it has picked up with intensity with time. So your best bet? Don’t piss me off. I mean really, REALLY pisses me off. :)

Later…

I meant the early 2000s. I said in a previous post I hadn’t been on any prescription medication since the 90s, but I meant the early 2000s. That was the last time I was on prescription inhalers and snot spray.

Really wish Kim would stop contacting Andy on Ask. “hooray for fast computers. any big weekend plans for you?” may be a harmless thing to say, but that’s not the point. The point is that I asked her to leave both me AND my friends alone. The dumbfuck just doesn’t get that you can’t just insert yourself into a group of friends and force yourself into their lives. She’s NOT our friend and we’re NOT her friends. Do I really have to have her local police go to her house and explain this to her? I’d rather not have to resort to that, so I really wish she would just bow out of where she’s not wanted before she ends up wishing she listened to me a long time ago. I’ve got nearly 20 years on her. Shouldn’t she go play with those in her own age group?

In the midst of all this death and other sad/scary thoughts, Tom gave me a scare yesterday but only for about 10 minutes. I started getting nervous when I realized he was late getting home. This was because there was a gas leak. They evacuated people and he was going to wait to get his lunch bag and things like that till he decided it wasn’t worth it.

“So your building could’ve blown up like in Springfield?!” I said.

Not in a warehouse, he told me. Guess there’s no place for the gas to collect there.

They wanted him to stay another two hours today, even with the horrible cold he has, but he put his foot down and said no! 10 hours a day is enough! Especially when it’s 5 days a week PLUS 8 hours on Saturday. He may not have to work this Saturday, though, and will be getting another big bonus this week.

We were laughing earlier at how we’ve been waiting on this and waiting on that and NONE of it is because of money. For the first time, it’s all because of a lack of time. Poor guy now has the cough from hell, though.

We talked about it and thought about it some more and we’re actually skeptical about me possibly influencing Larry’s disease. Making one sick by being angry with them is one thing, killing them is another. I have never killed anyone that I know of just by harboring any rage toward them.

I’m just glad, for the first time ever, that I was never close to my parents or brother because I’d be totally losing it by now.

Christine suggested I’m going through perimenopause. It’s an intermittent thing within those in my age group. I just didn’t think I’d skip periods or that they’d be an on-or-off thing like what might be the case with me. I thought you kept getting periods but they got lighter and lighter till they stopped.

My Italian mom’s been in the ground for two months now and would’ve turned 82 yesterday. It’s still so sad to think she’s gone forever. Reading the letter she sent me in 1996 brought a fresh round of tears to my eyes.