I'm glad Andy doesn't read my journal because he's always been a bit fragile and I know this would hurt his feelings, but I am definitely not going to be looking in on his wall anymore. Same old stuff. God, Stevie, paintings, God, Stevie, paintings… To each their own, but while the paintings are nice, he can keep his delusions and immature celebrity infatuation that most of us outgrow in our twenties.

Speaking of celebrities, I saw an old movie with Jennifer Lopez in it. She was my kind of hottie back then, famous or not.

I'm a bit tired and I'm not sure if it's because I had bread yesterday to make peanut butter toast with (I got so hungry at the end of my day for some reason and this was a convenient thing to have), because I took melatonin, because I woke up a lot, or all of the above.

The more I think about it and the more research I do, the more I'm convinced I don't have sleep apnea and that my problem is caused by too many years of nasal spray use. It can cause a collapsed septum which I think is responsible for the snoring I've been doing. My throat structure has always been what it is and I've only gained a pound or two since coming here so I can't believe it's connected to my weight. Besides, I'm not that big. I'm kind of stuck in a catch-22 because stopping the spray means my nose is less stuffy and dried out, but the congestion then builds up in my head which causes problems with the eustachian tube in my bad ear, so I'll have to find some other form of decongestant, preferably one that won't leave me drowsy. If I can't figure it out on my own, then I might have to begin the work of trying to get into an ENT.

We found out exactly what's been burrowing at the side of the driveway, and the snake would have been the better deal. Tom noticed more digging activity and I could hear this weird sound coming and going. Well, they’re cicada-killer wasps! He flooded the hole to see what, if anything, might come up and something sure did. When I first saw what seemed like a humongous wasp, my first thought was that it was one of those killer wasps that was invading certain areas of the country and I went to run indoors, not knowing if a million more of them were going to erupt from the ground. In my panic, I fumbled with the lock code.

We immediately got to work researching and learned it's almost certainly cicada-killer wasps which are deadly to cicadas but not humans. Still, hundreds of flying things with stingers is nothing I want to deal with so he's been spraying the ground and today he got a special powder for wasps, ants, and similar insects. It can take a couple of weeks for the eggs to hatch and then another couple of weeks for the new wasps to emerge from the ground, so we're going to be treating it for the next month to make sure they never make it up. He filled in the hole with dirt and it rained which helped pack it in and push the poison down, so more than likely they're already trapped down there. The females don't have stingers so the males fly around the opening to protect it. With any luck the female and the eggs are dead. It should storm again later and help pack it in even more.

We picked out an outdoor bench for in back. I'll listen to music through my headphones on days when the planes fly by every few minutes, which is most days, unfortunately. I want to get about 10 minutes of sun every day that I can. It was $45 and is made of a combination of metal and plastic. It looks like it will also be easy enough to stand on its side if we need to throw it in the storeroom in the event of a cane. Funny how they said this was going to be such an active hurricane season, yet the only serious one we’ve had was Beryl. It’s still a bit early in the season, though.

I also saw a video on how to propagate lucky bamboo, so we’ll see if I have any luck with that.

Looks like we might have a snake burrowing in front of our place. I had no idea snakes could dig like that, but he found a pile of dirt at the side of the driveway, and based on the groove in the dirt, we’re guessing it’s a snake. We checked the camera, but we couldn’t find what made the hole. We’re fine with it as long as it isn’t poisonous. We looked up what kinds of snakes burrow in this area, and they don’t seem to be the venomous type. We’re thinking it’s a Florida pine snake.

Yesterday I ended up getting hit with really heavy fatigue that eventually backed off later in the day. I started to think his theory was a bust until I remembered that I did have a frozen dinner the day before. Fortunately, the rice/quinoa cup I had yesterday hasn’t left me tired today. It’s a bit carby, but it makes me feel like I had a full meal if I add it to fish and veggies. A fish fillet is hardly filling, but I’m okay with just veggies when I have chicken or beef.

I also read that dairy and red meat can suck the energy out of you. So tomorrow, when I have a beef patty, we’ll see how I feel the next day. Hopefully, I can keep narrowing down what foods and drinks are a problem. Believe it or not, the sparkling water I had could be a problem. Things definitely change with age and affect us in ways they didn’t when we were younger! So I’m checking ingredients quite often these days.

Anyone with straight, thin hair who says they want thick, curly hair doesn’t realize just how hard it is to care for. It’s not that long yet it’s a bitch to brush out, so I’m going to try these hair treatments that come in capsules that you twist off and then pour on your hands and rub into your hair.

Tom found a great deal on wall tiles, so he grabbed some for $40 to do the exterior wall with in the bedroom.

I'm 7% through my ride and just entered Russia from Finland. It's going to be a while before I reach Latvia.

I had okay energy yesterday, but today I'm not as energetic. I don't feel horribly tired, but I definitely feel hopeless about ever restoring my energy to how it used to be before reaching my 50s.

I tried to return to Bowflexing yesterday but couldn't because my shoulder is messed up. It's a problem I've had on and off, and it seems that whenever I put stress on it, it acts up on me. I don't know if the problem is ever going to heal. I suspect it could be something with the rotator cuff.

I did go out and walk around the block to the tune of three different planes along the way. Between one plane after another and the weekend motorcycle revving games, it was a little annoying. I'm sure today will be the same. It's quiet now, but it usually is in the middle of the night. I heard a couple of helicopters in the distance, and that's it. It's so quiet now that I hear that low-pitched head hum. It's just a weird form of tinnitus I've developed, but fortunately, it literally has to be dead quiet for me to notice it.

I made scrambled eggs with the new mixer, and they came out delicious. I took a glass, dropped a few eggs into it, sprinkled it with garlic salt, dropped in a butter ball, and added a little bit of heavy cream before I mixed it, and it was great.

I had a dream that my hair was really long again like it was in 2008, but it was kind of dry and frizzy. I was talking with some woman about trimming it.

I'm so glad my husband is a genius! I always knew there were likely multiple culprits stealing my energy, but he may have a point when he mentions not only sugar but additives in food being part of my problem. It does seem whenever I eat less healthy, I'm more tired. During those few weeks when I was determined to eat healthier, I had more energy. So now, I'm going to make sure to read the ingredients on everything. I read that it can take a few days to bounce back too, which is why I was tired for a few days. No wonder I was so damn tired in the hotels! It's definitely not as convenient to eat healthy when you're on vacation or moving.

I think a new list on Walmart’s site is in order, where I weed out all the frozen dinners and crap like that. Fortunately for me, I was raised the opposite of Tom, and I do prefer healthier stuff anyway. All he's ever known is junk food, so he can't imagine it any other way. Unfortunately, he'll probably never lose weight because of it, but that's just the way it is.

I swapped messages with Jessie and Kathy and I've been enjoying latch-hooking with my new colorful yarn. This yarn is thinner than the other yarn I was working with to make the heart rug but still looks good. It's actually easier to work with. The mesh isn't as big as I thought it would be, but it's also much easier to work with. It's something like 16x16 inches, and the way they folded it left distinct quadrants, each of which I'm going to do with a different color yarn. Each skein has multiple colors, actually.

I only remember a couple of quick dreams last night. Termite Tammy was telling me that Dad got his own apartment in Georgia for a while during the decade I wasn't talking to them because he finally got fed up with Mom's shit. Then she said she was mistaken by saying it was in Georgia. He supposedly moved to a town called Syria in northern Florida that doesn't exist in real life.

In another dream, Tom and I were lying in bed in a two-story house and I was asking him what those strange bumps and bangs were we were hearing because it reminded me of living attached to others. Then I got up and started sorting rocks on the floor of the upper hallway that wrapped around the staircase leading downward.

The Wallace and Gromit golf course was released. I guess it's based on a British animated comedy. It's not bad, and I already found 7 hidden golf balls.

Again with the fatigue, even though I thought I slept okay. I woke up a few times, once to pee, but I still basically slept okay. I had no sugary treats yesterday, just a handful of leftover Cheetos. It's a little hard to believe that that was enough to affect today's energy levels. Besides my thyroid, something else must be going on. Maybe sleep apnea is more of a factor than I gave it credit for.

I envy Doc A's energy and ability to constantly be on the go. I wouldn't want her life, never being home with free time to relax and do my hobbies, but I definitely wish I could be active every day and out there at least most days doing something. Hell, I just wish I could feel more awake sitting here at my computer!

I didn't finish this entry because I took a 90-minute nap and then made something to eat. Not much more to say other than that Andy said some weird stuff about praying to God to let the blood of the lamb save him from COVID. Then, when he finally got it, it turned out to be a little more than a mild cold. Yeah, whatever, dude. My husband and I never prayed, and we never got it. Hopefully, it stays that way!

Beauty may be a subjective thing, but what did Andy ever see in Stevie Nicks? She's so ordinary-looking. The bulk of his posts are Stevie and God-related, as usual. Well, some nice paintings are mixed in too.

I'll always love the guy, but even if he didn't frustrate me by believing everyone’s a liar and if he could remember the things I told him, what do we have in common except for some past funny memories? I don't think we've had much in common for the past 25 years or so, but hey, to each their own.

Vegging out in bed, talk-typing this entry with my phone in its new holder. The neck doesn't move as easily as I thought it would, but it's still a really nice thing to have. It’s definitely easier not needing to hold the phone. It does bounce a bit when I tap it, though.

Love my new lipstick too, and my new mug even more. Even Tom thinks the mug is really cool. Definitely want to get more sometime!

The mixer works well, and since I don't do shakes often, I can't wait to at least get some eggs and make scrambled eggs with it.

The only thing I don't like is the patchouli incense. It doesn't smell the least bit like patchouli.

My second package comes today with the rug-making stuff.

We had a storm earlier, but the loudest one, luckily, was after I got up. Even though nothing woke me up, I still woke up tired. Ironically, it comes after a cheat day. We went out to Walgreens yesterday, and I got a few caramel chews and we got a bag of Cheetos to share.

Another abortion ban is to go into effect, but again, they'll just go to other states or have the abortion pill mailed to them. If they can't get it mailed directly to them, they’ll just have someone else do it. I don't know what it is they think they're accomplishing other than, at worst, inconveniencing women. It's all about using religious delusions as a means of control. I wonder if they're trying to raise the birth rate too, which has been falling steadily for decades now. As if we need more people in the world!

Tom and I were talking about the US in general, and we're both so stunned by how much it's stepping back into the Dark Ages as the right-wing cancer creeps further into the country and the Democrats accomplish absolutely nothing. Whenever I used to think of this country, I would think of it in modern terms, being so advanced socially, technically, and in other ways. But it's not. Maybe it once was, but it certainly isn't now.

What floors me is that there are so many more people like me than there are extremists, yet the extremists are so powerful that it's like the rest of us are powerless to fight back against them. There are so many obvious wrongs in the world that people just don't seem interested in righting. Any idiot with half a brain can see that it's wrong for insurance companies or politicians to make our medical decisions for us and not us and our doctors, yet no one does a damn thing about it.

Guess we're going to get some “dirty rain” over the weekend as a dust cloud from the Sahara blows over the Atlantic.

We're also going to get rained with even more migrants... as usual. Damn, do I wish we could put another ocean between us and Mexico! I'm so sick of the US being expected to solve the world's problems for them. They're coming here like crazy because they know it's only a matter of time before Trump makes it harder for them. Why doesn't Biden just stand at the border and hand out welfare benefits to them too?

Doc A went on a near 8-hour run over the weekend, and I told her I can't believe there are humans that can do that. She said she once thought the same. She's been training for years but had some injuries slow her down. Then she celebrated with a cold beer… yuck! LOL

I don't remember any dreams before the thunder woke me up, but when I went back to sleep for a nap, I dreamed that Tom and I went to some kind of resort that we went to annually. The hotel had 8-10 floors, and I knew my way around the place well.

It was late in the afternoon, and he was napping in our room. I decided we hadn't been taking advantage of the pool, so I got up and went down for a swim. I was a little dismayed to find it so crowded, especially with little kids. But a split second later, Tom was with me, and we had just enjoyed a swim together. The pool was indoors, yet when I threw our towels into a large basket, I missed and they ended up in a nearby bush that left a bunch of little thorns in them. Some of them got stuck in me as I went to pull one of them out. I told Tom that because of it, he shouldn't bother trying to get the towel that ended up further back in the brush.

Apparently, not wearing the one-piece bathing suit I've been wearing as an older person, I looked down and noticed an oval-shaped bruise on the right side of my stomach. I knew it was because I punched myself in frustration. Something in that area was hurting and annoying the fuck out of me, so my solution was to punch it, LOL. I hoped that Tom wouldn't notice.

So it isn't just me. Kathy also looked up Molly, not to contact her, but out of curiosity, and hasn't found any trace of her in years. More than likely, her online activity is now heavily restricted, just like Kim's. I'm surprised it took Carol and those in charge of Molly so many years to realize they’d never change, but then it took me years to realize some people wouldn't change as well. Sometimes the most obvious things take forever to sink in!

I really enjoy my chats with Kathy, and we seem to have a lot in common. It's so nice to have a “head start” since we already know a bit about each other. It almost feels like there hasn't been a 12-year gap. We're just picking up where we left off, only we're a little older and a little wiser now. It's so nice to talk to somebody who is a good writer, seems pretty intelligent, and seems to be able to remember things. Honestly, insensitive or not, I am so sick of mental cases and stupidity! I hope our friendship lasts, but if it doesn't, I'm going to enjoy it while it does.

So Biden finally did the smart thing and dropped out of the race and endorsed Kamala. He's just too old, was a worthless president, and is getting a little demented. Trump is no better, of course, and sadly, even though Kamala’s Black, she doesn't stand a chance against Trump. I don't think anyone in the world does at this point, no matter what their race or gender. He's just too loved. Obama is the second most popular president, and this criminal is definitely the first. I just don't get it. I honestly don't.

Tom and I both wonder who she's going to pick as a running mate. I guess we'll find out soon enough. Probably some other non-white woman if I had to guess. I would take Kamala over Trump any day, but she definitely focuses more on her own kind.

OMG, I love AI! I noticed some duplicate entries on MD and was daunted by the task of checking thousands of titles. Then I asked AI to find duplicates after copying and pasting the titles into it, and it found them!

I slept mostly okay, but I'm still a little tired. When am I not? I've lost hope of regaining my old energy levels, especially if the doctor I'm seeing next month can't help. I just hope it's not chronic fatigue or something related to my thyroid because it seems impossible to normalize it.

I woke up briefly and decided it was too early to get up. I heard thunder but managed to go back to sleep. It never amounted to much. Right now, I can hear some thunder, but it's not too loud, and Tom can sleep through anything.

I remember a second's worth of a dream where I was waiting in the car while Tom went into a business to use their phone or his phone to call someone in a spot with better reception. It had to do with money or something important. After a while, I started to get out of the car when I spotted him by the building. He told me to get back in the car, and I sensed that whatever was going on wasn't good.

Tom received $10 on the horse betting site and turned it into $100. Not bad!

Never heard of auspicious cloud incense before and definitely want to try it sometime.

Good stuff going on. :-)

First, I'm definitely not as cold as I have been since I started taking the vitamins daily. However, I don't want to push it, so I'm going to try taking them for two days, then taking a day off, and repeating that pattern and I hope for the best. This might be my best bet most of the time, but I still plan to step it up to every day about a week before the lab.

If Kathy ever reads this, I'm sure she won't mind because I once asked her many years ago if she minded being mentioned in my journal. She said no because there were tons of Kathys out there. Besides, I don't have anything negative to say.

So… I don't know why, but she, a beautiful Mexican woman, was suggested to me on Facebook. Maybe because I looked her up a while back. Sometimes someone will pop into my mind, or I'll read back in old journals, see a name, and then get curious as to what they might be up to these days.

Anyway, I sent Kathy a few audios saying hello and letting her know that Aly died. She sent me a friend request and a few messages in response. Aly and Kim were mutual friends, and she even knew Molly. She actually met Molly because they're both from Texas. It turns out she stupidly gave Molly one last chance, wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt, so that's how she knew she had passed. She said Molly did the same things to her that she did to Aly and partly to me as well by demanding constant attention and pitching a fit if she didn't return messages within minutes, even after giving birth to her son. She also expected her to solve her problems, mainly with others at the group home she's still in. I guess she was whining about some guy stalking her, who was also a resident there, and Kathy kept telling her to take it up with those in charge.

I told Kathy that Kim was completely out of her mind and not allowed online. She said they exchanged postal letters years ago, and her handwriting was hard to read. It was written like a first grader, and she also sealed the envelope with tons of packing tape. I can totally picture this, and that's exactly what Aly described too, LOL.

I said I would give her Kim's email and that she could let her know she got it from me if she wanted, but she didn't ask for it, so I didn't offer. I also didn't offer my blog link, but I'll give it to her if she asks. I still prefer to keep things separate these days. To a degree, anyway.

So, she's 42 now, and she and her husband, daughter, and son have been living in Oklahoma since 2018 to be closer to her husband's family.

She developed diabetes and lost a lot of weight, but as I told her, I'm unable to lose weight, so I have to improvise and work around that by cutting sugar and carbs. I've been doing really well with that, too! I haven't lost weight, of course, but hopefully, I won't be borderline next time I go to the lab, but back to 5.something instead.

I didn't get fat until my 40s, but it's funny how before my 20s and during my 20s, I wanted to lose weight for the sake of appearance. In my 30s and 40s, I just didn't give a shit. Now, in my 50s, I'm back to wishing I could lose weight for my blood sugar, cholesterol, and BP. But sometimes we just have to accept that there are some things in life we can't change due to circumstances out of our control. I think—and I certainly hope—that cutting carbs and sugar down will be enough to help.

I love that Kathy is a good writer and seems pretty smart. It's nice to be able to understand what I'm reading, but of course, she won't do audios because you know how it is. Everyone's afraid to leave their voice online. I sometimes talk-type, and other times I do audios.

I'm glad we reconnected. I really am. We acknowledge that we had our squabbles when we were in touch regularly between 2010 and 2012, but it's ancient history. I know I usually have a very hard rule against being forgiving, but it was such petty shit that it's so done and over with. No, I don't think history will repeat itself because Kathy doesn't have time to be a troll, working at Walmart and raising a 5 and 10-year-old. Websites aren't set up the way they used to be. It's so easy to block trolls now, which is why I'm much more open to online friendships. If things go wrong when it's a neighbor or someone you have to work with, it can be a lot more awkward. But online, if someone pisses me off, I just cut them off. Even if they were to keep creating new accounts, there are still ways to block communication. I would never make all my blogs private on account of any troll like I used to, but I would close communication. I've already had to do it on a couple of sites due to spammers. No biggie.

Kathy gave me some good recipe ideas. I don't know why I didn't think of this, but mixing a little cream of mushroom with heavy cream and smothering hamburger patties in it would be a great idea. I still have meatballs but no cream of mushroom until tomorrow. I have heavy cream because I put it in my coffee. I do have some pizza sauce I could dress them up with, especially since these meatballs have a bit of a weird taste.

I stopped being able to remember my dreams, which kind of sucks. I slept better last time around, though. I woke up right before loud thunderclaps. My luck may run out tomorrow, though.

The ophthalmologist I started seeing has popped into my mind every single day for the last three or four days, and I had no idea why. He never made any kind of impression on me. He was a little slow, but just there. Not the least bit attractive, not funny looking, and nothing about his personality stood out. So why did he keep popping into my mind, I wondered and asked myself over and over. Then it hit me—thought transference. He's likely thinking of me for some reason, and I'm picking up on those vibes. It makes no sense, though. As a fat, older, and now average-looking person, I can't imagine why that would be the case, but that's the only explanation I can come up with.

Back when I was falling for "Teddy Bear," or at least thought I was, I remember writing that it was fun falling in love all over again. While we may have hit it off while I knew her, I realize I never truly loved her because I didn't know her. I've loved many people in different ways throughout my life: my friends and those family members that I at least tried to love. But the only person I've ever really, truly loved is Tom. With or without him, I couldn't imagine starting over again with anyone these days, no matter what I looked like and no matter what they looked like, female or male. To have to get to know someone all over again so well that I understand them even when they're not communicating, and for them to get to know me well enough too (whether or not they're capable of being smart enough to get me as Tom does) would be more of a pain than fun.

I read an article about how to tell if the FBI is surveilling you. One of the things it mentioned was any kind of static or popping sounds you may hear on your phone, and my mind immediately went back to Jesse's trailer. However, most of this was in 2010 and earlier and probably started before I found and contacted a certain sicko, not that the FBI would be involved in that in the first place. Even though I know it was the horrid service we dealt with while we were there, I couldn't help but remember all that static and how only I could hear it. I was talking to my parents one time and apologized for all the static and said it made it hard to hear them at times, and they said they didn't hear it at all.

After being tired for a couple of days, I finally have a little more energy. Maybe I’ll dabble in some painting tonight. Latch-hooking kind of grew on me in the end, so I ordered a 2x5-foot roll of plain mesh, 6 colorful gradient skeins of yarn, and this really cool tool with a groove in the center that you wrap the yarn around and cut to make three-inch pieces of yarn for the rug. 

I was too tired to hit the road last night, but I should get back on it tonight. I’ll be in Finland for quite a while before I reach Russia.
 
Mr. No Poop had gravel put down along the front of his place and even had a tree planted. I was never woken up by the trucks, so that’s good. Everyone surrounding us has gotten gravel, so it makes me wonder if Toni is next.
 
I’m taking a little break from wine because I think it’s affecting my brain. According to what I read, it can affect cognitive thinking in older adults. My reaction time has been slower, and I’ve just been totally senile, but I don’t seem to have that as much when I don’t drink, and of course, sleeping better helps too. When my Temu order gets closer, I’ll order some wine because I like to sip on it while watching a show and latch-hooking.

I'm having a very cold and tired day. The weird thing is that I start off the first few hours of my day feeling cold—not every day, but enough days to worry me that my TSH is out of control. After I eat, I warm up a little, and even more so if I have a glass of wine.

I'm tired because I was up for a long time. I've been doing that a lot lately, so I hope I fall asleep on time tonight. I haven't been able to remember my dreams for the last few nights, and it's been a while since I've snored, as far as I know. So, I'm not sleeping too badly, just up for a long time. Who knows if part of the fatigue is tied to my thyroid or not? I still worry that I'll have to increase my dose without knowing if it's due to the gland dying some more or absorption issues. I have symptoms that say I'm hypo and others that say I'm not, but I would bet just about anything that my numbers aren't good, as usual. Did something make me lose my gallbladder so I could have absorption issues, leaving me unable to get my TSH consistently in the single digits now that I've beaten most of the anxiety? I swear it's like I'm not meant to have a good TSH! When the same thing keeps happening over and over, it's hard to believe it's all one big coincidence, but that still doesn't mean I believe in God. I just don't know what to think anymore.

It's funny how those affected by Hurricane Beryl are praising God for giving them their electricity back, but they won't hold Him accountable for allowing it to happen in the first place.

I just wish I knew what was wrong with my brain. I swear I'm demented at times. I made us burgers earlier, and I couldn't keep things straight to save my life. I like my bun toasted, so I toasted one. But then, like an idiot, I put ketchup on what was going to be his burger, so he ended up with the toasted bun.

We had a nice thunderstorm earlier, which waited until I got up. My luck is going to run out soon, though, as I push onto nights. I was a little concerned when I heard a state of emergency was declared in Upstate New York because of powerful storms.

Thanks to my shitty vision, I set the cross-stitching kit aside for now. It's not only hard to see overall, but since the back of the canvas isn't marked, it's hard to see where I'm going when I poke the needle from back to front.

Surprisingly, there's been nothing for a while from Andy regarding his weight. No more declarations of milestones reached or photos, and I'm wondering if maybe he hit a plateau. That's what usually happens, and then the weight comes flying back.

I've been continuing to follow the post regarding the corner nut job. While I believe she should be evicted and made to live on her own, it kind of pisses me off that my complaints about barking and motorcycles weren't “valid.” Your complaints and feelings only matter if most people can relate. Otherwise, no one gives a shit, and no one wants to hear it.

Another psychic moment. “$30,” I told Tom last night, and he looked at me quizzically. I said I didn’t know what it meant but it just popped into my mind. The next day, it turns out he got an AI training job that’s going to pay him $30. He has a week to do it, but he’ll likely finish it early tomorrow morning before I get up.

Yesterday was an easy date to remember since it was Linda Ronstadt’s birthday (she’s 78 now!), so I thought it would be a good day to start my next long trip from Finland to Greece. This way, I’ll remember when I started it. This trip is 2,194 miles long, so not quite as long as the last one. The only thing I have to be wary of is the fact that people are still experiencing crashing issues and losing their progress. So every five minutes or so, I’m going to get out of the app and then relaunch it. It sucks that they can’t solve this problem, but I’m sure they’re working on it. Anyway, I miss the excitement of aiming for borders. With short rides, you just do that ride, and while it may be fun, it’s over when you hit the finish line in just a day or two. I’m about 165 miles from Russia and will be going through 10 different countries: Finland, Russia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, Serbia, North Macedonia, and Greece.

Yesterday we put the sound-muffling foam in one of the bedroom windows. We’ve got tension rods coming to hold it back because it wants to buckle. You can see it’s kind of bowed out in some places. We won’t really know how much of a difference it makes until we do the other window, plus we’re going to add stuff to the exterior wall. It will be a little while before it’s done. We need to order more foam tiles because we decided to double up in the window we just did.

We went to the store yesterday and I splurged on caramel and Cheetos, and I woke up a little tired this morning. I’m asking myself if it’s because of the junk or the melatonin I took. Getting gum seems to help my combination of TMJ and eustachian tube issues. It’s still not completely better yet, but I’m working on it.

I feel so bad for Maria and her daughter. Her daughter’s ex had her two kids while she was working, and they were in a car accident. The daughter died, and the son is fighting for his life.

As for my own mental health, I’ve been doing extraordinarily well, and I really hope it stays that way! I may worry about the everyday things in life just like everyone else, but I haven’t had any significant anxiety or depression in a while now, and like I said, I really hope it stays that way. After suffering so much for so long, I really appreciate every blissful moment.

I had a dream that we lived in a house with a block wall close to the bedroom just like in Phoenix. There was a door off of the bedroom, and I spotted a bear over the block wall in the next yard. It didn’t look like a bear really looks like, but I knew it was a bear in the dream. I quickly shut the door and was worried it would push through it because it didn’t latch very easily. Then I ran to close another door that was off of some kind of porch in back.

In the next dream, I made some kind of craft and sent it to Mitch and Adonis. Adonis said he loved it. In real life, I sent him a message on the account in his real name, letting him know Facebook won’t let me add him there because I get a pop-up saying it looks like I may not know him, even though there’s a comment from me from 11 years ago that I can see. I guess Facebook’s memory just doesn’t go back that far.

The last dream wasn't very good, although it wasn’t an all-out nightmare. I called Andy, who was thrilled to hear from me just as Tom was leaving to go back to work. Knowing he always hated working, I felt bad for him.

**Political:**

It still never ceases to amaze me how many people support Trump. He could rape women and kill people right under people’s noses, and everybody would still love him. WTF is wrong with people?!

Everybody’s sorry he was shot at, but sometimes, in order to fight evil, it must be eradicated. Period. Sometimes there really is no getting around that because it cannot be reasoned with or kept at bay in any other way. No, it wouldn’t get rid of all the poisonous people in the world, but one less delusional extremist vying for dictatorship is better than nothing.

Even Biden is condemning the attack. But why? Trump has had nothing but shitty things, true or not, to say about him.

And then there’s Andy. Dear delusional Andy. He thanks his god for blessing Trump with extended life and says he would say that even if it was Biden or any other politician because violence has no place in his life. For the most part, I agree that violence isn’t a solution. But sometimes extreme situations warrant it. Also, it’s funny how he praises God for saving Trump’s life but doesn’t condemn that same god for the fact that the guy behind him died. God is exactly what many people want him to be. It doesn’t scare me per se, but it disturbs me that people like Andy can put such stock in something that’s never been proven and likely never will be. It’s okay to have hopes and lean toward a particular belief, but it’s important to remain realistic and accept the fact that none of us can ever know anything for sure. Sort of like those who are really into role-playing. It’s fine to fantasize as long as you know it’s just a fantasy.

**Health:**

Tom came hobbling into the room yesterday and said, “Well, I thought you were gonna be wrong this time, but I tweaked my back, so your dream was a premonition.”

Yeah, it’s shitty to be psychic in this way.

My ear and jaw have been driving me crazy. We’re thinking that due to the high pollen count and my slacking off my nasal spray for a while, I’ve got allergies built up, and it puts pressure on the damaged nerves around my ear and flares up my TMJ.

**Neighbors:**

My suspicions were correct. The redneck did call the county. The latest post says they argued with the nut job about her “garden” and are waiting for a callback about their complaint.

Also, it looks like Mr. No Poop across from Toni is having gravel put down on the front corner of his place, so now that’s one more thing I have to stress over: being woken up by the truck that comes to bring it, and then pick up the metal bin it’s in.

**Hobbies:**

Finished the challenge a couple of days ago, and now I’m doing random rides until the mood strikes to do the next long ride I created.

As I feared, cross-stitching is going to be very hard for me because of my shitty vision. Also, the back of the canvas isn’t marked, so when I’m pushing the needle through from behind, it’s hard to see where I’m going. I really wish the mystery girl could magically appear to help me. I asked her a question on an old account of hers, but I don’t know if she ever logs into it. Oh well. It won’t be much money lost if I don’t end up doing it.

Congrats to the brave young man who tried to take out the homophobic, misogynistic criminal who is very likely to be reelected. Knowing how arrogant Trump is, I’m sure this won’t stop him from holding public rallies. They say the third time’s the charm, so hopefully the next person will be able to succeed. This time, the bullet only grazed him and he’s already out of the hospital, unfortunately. Better to have a president who doesn’t get anything done other than to let millions of people invade this country and give billions of dollars away to other countries as opposed to Trump and his extreme delusions. Hopefully, we’ll have younger people taking over in four years with fewer extremist views.

I could sit here and say I feel bad for the terrified people caught in the crossfire but then again, I don't. Why? Because anyone that supports this piece of shit is just as bad and part of the problem.

Ordered a few more goodies on Temu. I only made a $15 order because I didn’t want to set my goals back too much. The next thing I’m working toward is getting the exterior bedroom wall panels. I just didn’t want to wait too many more weeks to get what I ordered.

For just 57 cents, I got a portable mixer for mixing a single egg or a single cup of something.

I also got pinkish-golden pearlescent lipstick and patchouli incense.

Lastly, one of those clear double-walled mugs with colorful flowers and that gooseneck phone holder I forgot to get with my last order.

Finished my latch-hook rug and today I may start getting my feet wet in cross-stitching.

I had a dream that Tom and I picked up a ballot that had a column with the word “no” and a column with the word “yes.” On live TV that evening, they were to ask the country all kinds of questions. No one was to know what the questions were, but one of them was whether or not we believed in God.

Read that due to a decline in fertility worldwide, the population is going to peak at about 10 billion in 2080 and then decline. I wonder how far down it will fall. There are definitely way too many people now which is mostly why global warming is a big thing.

Either way, I'm glad women have come to see that there's more to life than having kids and that it's okay to choose life over kids, be selfish, and live for themselves. Part of it is being pressured not to have kids because you know how society is... always gotta pressure women to do this or not do that while men can do whatever the fuck they want.

In seeing the havoc that Hurricane Beryl caused in Texas and the millions of people who have been without power for days, I realized that being without power could be just as devastating as losing the house if a hurricane were to come here. How do you live without AC in 90-degree weather with 100% humidity? It’s not like we would have the money to go elsewhere.

I hate it when the termites invade my dreams but at least they were only in dreams and not real life. I have loved every second of not having them in my life since I cut ties with them and I’m going to keep it that way. They could all contact me apologizing up the storm and even offering all kinds of money and gifts and I still wouldn’t want anything to do with them. I’ll never forgive or forget where they’re concerned. Never.

I went to stay with Termite Tammy who bought a new house somewhere. It was kind of in a little mainstream area although she was close to other houses. I asked if she ever heard the neighbors and she said no. Then, due to my schedule issues and being in unfamiliar surroundings, Sarah asked why I was up so late. It was only 9:30, though, and she was getting ready to crash on a couch in the living room since there were only so many bedrooms to accommodate the termite and her narcissistic brats, along with me.

I slept well and have decent energy.

As part of my goal of cutting carbs, I’m going to drop my water flavor mixes, even though they were sugar-free, and try to drink just plain, boring water. I can think of at least five people who have sworn to me that drinking water has caused them to lose weight, but I don’t think anything I do will cause me to lose weight short of starving, and I’m certainly not going to do that. I won’t resort to drastic measures unless my A1C continues to climb to the point of needing medication, which I refuse to take.

For so long, I felt like something up there wants me to be hypo, if there’s anything up there, and that it also wants me to have sleep issues most of the time. Unless I’m just being ridiculously paranoid, maybe it wanted me to remain hypo so I would gain enough weight to drive myself into sleep apnea. If I were suddenly able to handle normal numbers, then I might lose enough weight to stop the sleep apnea. I really hope I’m just being ridiculous and that nothing up there could exist that has it in for me like that, because if it does, I’d say there’s a damn good chance I’m pretty doomed in the afterlife if there is one.

Jumping to the before life, or present life, or whatever you want to call it, I think back to those younger days full of adventure, hope, possibilities, and whatnot. While I don’t miss these days for the most part, since a lot of it was negative, I still sit here and think at times, my God, is this what the rest of my life is going to be? It’s a great life, don’t get me wrong, but I get up and pretty much do the same things every single day. There is no room for nearly as much hope or possibilities simply because I’m beyond that point in life or have different goals and interests than I used to.

A part of me misses the suspense and wonderment that would come with those times, even if they weren’t nearly as good and as stable as they are now. It seems it’s either fun and adventure, even if that can also mean disaster, or calm predictability with little to no change. Realistically, I know the latter is better and safer.

So for the next 18 years or so, I’ll get up, update my journal, do my hobbies, get paid to do studies even if it isn’t much, cook, clean, and go to doctor’s appointments and stores. I won’t have an active social life because I’m not interested in one and I don’t trust people. I won’t go on vacations every year because I don’t have the money. I won’t have fun flirting with crushes and incorporating them into my stories because I don’t have the hormones. I won’t move to a bigger place because I don’t have the money. I won’t move to my dream home in my dream location because I really don’t have the money. I won’t win things like I used to because the competition is a million times worse than it was 20 years ago.

So what do I have to report in my wonderfully stagnant life? Just a dream of vacationing with Jessie. It was some tropical location and we were staying in a cottage on the beach. I was dressed in a sundress. The windows were open and a beautiful warm breeze flowed through the place. I thought it would be a great day for a swim. I headed out through a slider and onto the shore of the beach when I noticed an orca whale swimming not too far from the shore and yelled to Jessie to get her phone and take a picture. By the time she ran out with it, along with her two dogs, it had swum further out and others gathered to see it.

Then we headed back inside, and she said something about cooking dinner. I said that would be great and I would cook next time.

I definitely do have sleep apnea. They're not making that up. I miss the days when I could flop onto my back in my sleep and not wake myself up snoring. Hell, sometimes I snore in other positions as well! 🙁 The weight's not coming off, so I need that mouthguard.

I slept poorly because I kept waking up. Sometimes I was hot, sometimes I was cold, and other times I woke up for no reason. Because of this, I was tired when I got up. A half-hour later, I ended up napping for a couple of hours. Taking vitamins every other day isn’t enough for me. I feel more hypo. So it’s back to every day. That’s what I wanted to see though, where my sweet spot was.

Curious, I stepped on the scale a second time after my long nap to find I’d only gone down 0.2 pounds. This means I only lost the water I drank before the nap and then peed off when I got up. My metabolism is simply not moving. This is another reason not to bother dropping my calories anymore. It just wouldn’t do me any good. No point in putting myself out for zero results. Besides, I’m barely 5 pounds heavier than when I came here and I can’t believe I’m only 5 pounds away from stopping snoring. If I was suddenly 120 pounds then maybe I would stop snoring, but I’m not going even remotely close to that, so I need to improvise, and that can only be done if my insurance company will help me. I wish we were rich so we could pay for everything I needed! They’re right when they say that money isn’t everything, but it sure is something and it sure helps.

I wonder how much yesterday's sugar spree could account for how shitty I feel today, particularly when it comes to being tired. There will be absolutely no more sugar relapses until I've had enough time to test my energy levels without it! I mostly wanted an excuse to get out. I don’t want to go back to having doctor’s appointments like crazy, but I really like to get out when I’m on days and that doesn’t mean just stepping outside. Going outside would be better than nothing, but it’s been hot and humid and we don’t have the bench yet. I could sit somewhere in the carport, but then I’m in the shade. The idea is to give me adequate sunlight. I just don’t want it when it’s 90 degrees and nearly 100% humid. Not only is that uncomfortable, but I burn easily. So for now, I’m stuck indoors.

Funny how I read in a journal entry of mine from over 20 years ago how my life was more adventurous even if many of those adventures weren’t good, but back east I knew the same people and did the same things. Funny, because that’s how my life has been for many years now, but it’s better to have a little stagnancy at times because whenever it’s been adventurous it’s usually not in a good way.

My TMJ has been bugging me. It’s been really bad lately and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m not using my nasal spray enough. I don’t think all of it is because of nerve damage from surgery but also because of my Eustachian tube having problems draining.

On the way to CVS yesterday, where I grabbed two pieces of caramel that they sell individually, a little container of mini chocolate chip cookies, and some wine, we saw a county vehicle parked across from Crazy Karen. We also saw a woman and a man walking toward the redneck’s place. My first guess is that either he and Julie or the couple across from the nutjob called in county code violations at the nutjob’s place. Just because you’re crazy doesn’t mean you should be able to get away with shit. The place looks straight out of some comedy skit or circus and is caked with tons of mold. I was hoping someone would mention it in the group but they didn’t. I’m sure I could ask the redneck about it, but I don’t want to get involved.

Since they wouldn’t call the county on account of the nutjob acting out (the cops have been here before for that) and were walking up the redneck's driveway, I have another theory. Maybe it’s revenge from the park. Joe said they refused to do any more home improvements because of the mess over there, so they could be retaliating. I don’t think that’s how they would retaliate, though. If they were going to do so, they would just do what Joy did to us at the other place and make some ridiculous complaint.

Society says we’re supposed to have compassion for the mentally ill. Why? With all the problems they cause in society, just why? Pedophiles can’t help themselves, but that doesn’t mean we should all feel sorry for them.

Not too long ago, I planted a couple of lemon seeds. When they didn’t sprout, I told Tom he could throw the pot outside, and one of them has sprouted. That’s what happened with the scallion plant I planted as well. They would definitely rather grow outside.

I finally had a good dream that I didn't want to wake up from but did. I had a dream I spotted Termite Tammy and went to tell her to try threatening and blackmailing me to my face, but woke up before I could find her. Such a shame. I would have loved to have seen what I did to her!

It’s been just like old times with my dreams. I’ve been remembering quite a bit, even if many of them don’t make sense. Andy was sleeping over again in one dream and we were talking about how cloudy days sometimes make us tired.

Then I shoved some older woman who might have been my maternal grandmother, who was a bitch, and then spotted both siblings at a house party. That was the one I was bummed out to wake up from. It was weird too because before I went after my sister, I told my brother that if I never saw him again, I loved him and I wanted him to know it. The truth is I’m indifferent. I haven’t felt much for him either way for many years now.

In another dream, I was with a woman and another lesbian couple was going to move in with us. But then they decided not to because they wanted to move around and do certain things. My hair was in a braid that went past my ass in this dream.

Then I was in a house that looked like the first house I grew up in. In the middle of the living room by the fireplace sat a huge black woman who was old and not well. She was propped up on a bunch of pillows sleeping. In the back of the room on a couch was Tom’s mother. She didn’t have long to live and Tom was making sure she was comfortable before going in the kitchen to scrub the stove, which I told him I would take care of.

I was still a smoker in the next dream and lived in a two-story house. I stepped outside a large window or door and onto a metal overhang to have a cigarette. Its surface was slick with rain and I slipped off and onto the ground, but I wasn’t hurt. Then I headed around to knock on the front door for Tom to let me in.

In the last dream, we seemed to be in a rather modern home that was larger. I was looking for the perfect shoe spot in the living room for when we came in and kicked our shoes off.