I’m going to work on this entry little by little because I’m just not feeling well. I still don’t know if I have COVID, a cold, or if my allergies and asthma have simply gone haywire. I still feel like I have something, and I do hope that’s the case because then there’s hope for things getting better.

That doesn’t eliminate the fact that I have a constantly dry, stuffy nose that makes it hard to sleep because I can’t simply blow it out. I do have saline packets arriving today that I can put in the bottle the pulmonologist gave me. I just hate the feeling of how it stings my nose. It’s like when you get water up your nose when you go swimming.

I’ve been having a lot of shortness of breath, and yesterday was horrible. First, I was depressed and feeling totally hopeless all night long. Then when he got up, my mood improved, but physically, I really went downhill. It got scary because every time I fell asleep, I would suffocate awake. I just couldn’t get enough air in, and to make matters worse, I sleep with my mouth closed, as I’ve mentioned before. I started to fear that I would keep waking up until I was too exhausted to wake up and would suffocate to death.

So as exhausted as I was, we headed for urgent care, but they were closed due to the storm. We were surprised by just how much storm damage there was right here in town. There’s a restaurant owner by the little beach who has owned the place for decades, and his place was flooded. He said he’d never seen anything like it. One of the street signs we drove under, the kind that hangs over the street in a frame, was busted out partway so you could only read half of the street name. Tom saw pics of flooding and floating cars, and this wasn’t too far from us. But because we’re roughly 30 feet in elevation, we were spared. I just wonder how much worse it’s going to get until it eventually takes this place out.

Anyway, I joined a site called 7 Cups because it said they provided free counselors at any time. Well, counselors you have to pay for if your insurance doesn’t cover it, but they have what’s called “listeners.” I wasn’t too impressed. Someone asked what was going on, I told them, and then I had to wait 25 minutes for them to reply with “I understand.”

Although I don’t see what good it would do me, if I ever really feel the need for a therapist, I’ll just get one through my insurance that hopefully isn’t a delusional religious freak like Helen was. Helen was very nice, but I prefer not to work with someone with that kind of narrow-minded mindset and that puts so much value in unproven stories.

So I finally got to bed after being up for 20 hours and managed to sleep for 5 hours, but of course, we had another power failure. Tom said we should have expected it because usually, after a storm, they do a temporary fix before they make the more permanent one, and they have to cut you off to make the switch.

Since being up, I have been short of breath, and I still have that dry stuffiness. I wish I knew what it was! Even if I don’t have a cold or COVID, we know that this isn’t an allergy-friendly climate. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking by coming here, but we’re talking about heading back out West next year.

We don’t have a ton of money, so it’s not like we could just up and go. I just don’t know how the hell I’m going to get the energy to do it. Got to do what I got to do, though. I don’t know for sure where we would go, but I do know it won’t be California or Arizona. Probably not Utah either, but likely Nevada, and even more likely, New Mexico. I don’t know if we’ll get land or go to another park.

In a park, you have more security, but with land, you have more freedom. We’re also not going to have nearly as much money to work with since we’re selling a tiny house in a cheap state. Where we got $110K from the Cali place, this place is lucky to give us more than $40K.

There would also be no flying first class out there. Instead of shipping our stuff, we would probably throw it in a truck and drive it out. We’d probably pull the car behind it since I doubt we could afford to ship it. The real problem is where the hell to put our stuff until we get into a place. We can’t afford to have it shipped and stored until we’re ready for it. Besides, our experience with that was not good at all because they broke a lot of our stuff, and it took months to get it after we requested it. So we’d likely be going back out West the same way we went from Oregon to California. Nothing is definite or etched in stone yet, but we’re seriously considering it for several reasons.

I’ve got a list of pros and cons written out. Even though the place might be older and maybe even a bit of a dump, it sure would be nice to have a bigger place! I’m just concerned with how to get the energy (and the money) to pull it off. It almost hurts seeing Doc A run off every few weeks somewhere and all the marathons she’s doing while I’m grounded day after day, feeling like shit. And she’s barely a decade younger! It’s just so unfair. I’m happy for her but sad for me. I know I’m going to suffer most days, physically or emotionally, for the rest of my life, and that’s a tough pill to swallow. If it wasn’t for him, I would have been dead years ago.

Pros of FL:
- Warmer longer
- Cheaper
- Mostly older people

Cons of FL:
- Allergies (even Tom’s nose has been stuffier than usual)
- Fucked up healthcare
- Crazy traffic
- Planes
- Motorcycles
- Too many storms waking me up or threat of storms, plus hurricane dangers
- Power failures galore
- No Death with Dignity option
- State is way too red
- Unfriendly people (with few exceptions)

Tom got all excited earlier because he’s now 259 lbs and is under 260 for the first time in a long time. I noticed my weight was up a couple of pounds, and I was trying to figure out why since I hadn’t eaten much, and then I remembered the peanuts I got with our last order. Nothing puts weight on me faster than those.

My blood pressure was pretty low yesterday as well, and we’re pretty sure I got dehydrated and hadn’t eaten enough carbs. He thinks that could have accounted for some of the breathing issues. I still don’t know what to think, but I would like to get tested for COVID. The only problem with that is if it comes back positive, he’s mandated to tell the plasma place, which means he wouldn’t be able to donate.

At over 1,200 words, I guess this is a long enough entry, but I’m not ready to edit it. I’ll do it a little later and then post it.

Thought I’d get some writing started as I lay in bed feeling shitty. I’m not just tired, but I feel like I either have severe allergies, a minor cold, or something worse. I hope it’s not COVID! I’m trying to find other solutions to nasal sprays and antihistamines since I don’t know how damaged my septum may be, and antihistamines make me drowsy.

I’ve been having headaches and lung tightness as well. Just in case the lung tightness, along with the weight loss, means I’m still over-medicated, I cut my waiting time in half again. It was horrible because every time I would fall asleep, I would wake up needing to suck air in through my mouth because my nose is stuffy. Even when it’s not actually running, it’s dry and stuffy toward the back, narrowing the passageways.

Nasal sprays, Benadryl, and eucalyptus oil in my diffuser haven’t helped as much as I’d like, any more than my saline spray. I did take a hit off my inhaler before bed, and it helped relax my lungs a little. He thinks it’s a combination of stress and allergies, but I don’t know, because I’ve never reacted this way to stress. I almost wish it was a cold because it will pass. If it’s allergies, then for them to get this bad means I’m going to have a rough life as long as I’m in Florida.

I’m just so fucking frustrated because I can’t get in to see any ENTs here. There is another group, but there’s a six-month waiting period. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Damn, do I miss my old ENT!

For now, the next step is to look into a decongestant that I can take with high blood pressure and my thyroid meds. From what I read, I need to stay away from Sudafed. That stuff makes me drowsy as well. Even the non-drowsy stuff makes me drowsy. I can’t win either way. Maybe saline sprays are my best option.

It’s very frustrating, and I’m worried that I’m so allergic to Florida that I’m going to suffer for as long as I’m here, which is almost certainly going to be for the rest of my life because I don’t see us ever in a position to move.

I found that I could buy a refurbished CPAP and headgear for under $500. I’m actually considering it so that I don’t have to deal with insurance companies and having to be by the phone periodically when suppliers call me to see if I still need supplies. It’s more money this way but more convenient as well. I really, really regret not forcing myself to get used to wearing the mask! Especially since I don’t know that I can get my weight down as low as it was before I started having heavy fatigue, or if it would change anything even if I could.

The only thing I question regarding a CPAP is that since I, like most people, breathe out of my nose only in my sleep, how would a mask help? I know the nasal pillow is not recommended for those with a deviated or collapsed septum or allergy issues but I still breathe out of my nose only.

Funny how I mentioned in my 2014 journal not having fatigue until I started the thyroid meds, and I did read it could cause that. I doubt my problem is from that though. I sure hope not, anyway!

So, Hurricane Helene turned out to be a little more than no big deal. Right after my last entry, we got slammed with tons of rain and winds close to 50 mph. We knew we didn’t have to evacuate, though, and that this house could handle those winds because it handled more just going down the road when it was brought in here in 1990. There was never any thunder with it as I saw forecasted in the hourly weather.

Then the real fun began when we lost electricity for 5 hours. We could tell it was a downed line by the way it went in and out before it stayed out. We decided that before next hurricane season, we’re going to invest in one of those thousand-dollar batteries where we could run fans and things like that. It only got up to 81° in here. That would be more tolerable if we were able to blast some fans.

We’re not as cursed as it seems at times because some people in the park are still without power, and when Tom went to donate, he turned around and came back because power was out all along 19 and many of the stores. Walmart says they’re not doing deliveries until Thursday, so we may have to go get our stuff, which would suck because Walmart would be a complete zoo. Maybe we could just grab a few things at Publix.

I really hope we don’t get any more hurricanes this year! The wind was fierce—you could really hear it and the rain on one side of the house. When I was in the bedroom, it almost sounded like it was going to tear the laundry room from the house.

I’m just so fucking sick of suffering. I really am. It’s darkening my thoughts more and more. I swear if it wasn’t for him, I would have been dead years ago. I just can’t get a break. I always, always have problems.

He was up over 18 hours, slept for five hours, and was fine. So this reinforces that there’s something going on in my sleep because when I’m up that long, I’m more tired the next day.

Like I said, I would have fallen asleep a few hours before I did if it wasn’t for the breathing issues, but I didn’t fall asleep for good until I had been up for 18 hours. I slept for six and a half hours, though. I still woke up a few times toward the end. I’m just not able to handle things like I could when I was younger.

In my ’90s journals, I was complaining about often being up for 18 hours, but it didn’t leave me totally exhausted the next day. Everything is so hard on me now, it seems. It’s even more frustrating when you’re not 100% sure what’s causing what since so many different things can have the same symptoms.

Right now, my nose isn’t running, but it still feels blocked, like there is dried-up congestion toward the back of it. My lungs aren’t too bad right now. The ibuprofen I just had to take helped my headache, but nothing seems to boost my energy. I don’t even have the energy to proofread this entry right now and post it, so I’ll just leave the draft sitting here for a while. I just need to close my eyes and rest.

Later…

Took a little nap but I swear I still feel like I have something. I’ve never had this feeling in my head before from allergies, even though allergies can indeed mimic the common cold (I just thought that was the sneezing aspect of it). Who knows how long it will be before I have the energy to hit the road and work on my story or my bio? Right now, I’m cooking chicken wings and veggies.

Hurricane Helene has turned out to be no big deal even though they sent us evacuation notices. Doesn't look like anyone else has evacuated either. We've got winds of about 45 miles an hour but hardly any rain or thunder. Not much for the outer bands of a hurricane the size of Texas. It's the Panhandle that's screwed. It's not even as high up as Tampa yet, though.

That feeling about hitting 156 was correct because I just hit it. So that's a 9 lb drop.

Hurricane Helene is going to miss us, but it’s going to dump a lot of wind and rain on us. We could get up to around 50 miles per hour winds. The shitty part is that while hurricanes rarely produce thunder and lightning, this one is going to—unless it’s a storm we would have had anyway in addition to Helene. Either way, I’m going to be utterly exhausted tomorrow because it’s supposed to start at noon and go on and on for at least 12 hours, right when I’ll be trying to sleep.

Last night, I had insomnia yet again and was really warm. That’s when I realized my meds were accumulating, so I cut a bit of waiting time before coffee today. I was up for nearly 20 hours! Therefore, I’m pretty tired already. I wish to hell I could crash now, but I don’t see myself crashing until after sunup. Sure enough, though, as soon as I roll back onto days, it’ll dry up.

What amazes me is that, according to Tom, I slept through a very loud clap of thunder today. It only happened once, but he said it was so loud it scared the shit out of him. He was bringing the wind chimes into the laundry room. He also closed the clamshell, put the lemon tree in the laundry room, and pushed the trash and recycle bins into the corner between the house and lanai.

The pool and clubhouse have been closed until Friday morning, weather permitting.

Hurricane Helene was originally predicted to get up to a Category 2, but now they’re predicting it to be a Category 4. From the looks of it, Tallahassee is screwed. It’s going to blast right through there and bring a lot of flooding to Georgia.

Because the book I’m working on now is so long, I wish I’d written a little note of what happened in each chapter. Then I realized I could just have AI do it for me. It was so cool being able to drop all the chapters on it and have it give me 2-4 paragraph summaries.

Just a heads-up: Hurricane Helene is heading our way, so don’t panic if I’m quiet for a day or two. We're on the edge of the cone, and while evacuations are possible, we’re staying put. Power outages could happen, but fingers crossed we won’t lose electricity. My biggest concern is exhaustion—my schedule couldn’t be worse for this. Of course, it always storms when I'm on nights.

Groceries should be arriving any minute now. We realized waiting until tomorrow might be a bad idea since the stores will probably be out of a lot of stuff by then.

The manager sent out the usual reminders: secure any loose outdoor items, and book a hotel if you plan to evacuate. Typical hurricane prep stuff.

It looks like Big Bend is going to get hit hard. Honestly, I’m glad we didn’t take that Steinhatchee house—the fact that it was on stilts says enough. It could have been a disaster for us.

Jessie’s county hasn’t been declared a state of emergency and her daughter is getting married tomorrow. I messaged Jessie, wondering why I haven’t heard from her since August. She claims she’s been swamped with work, though I see her on Facebook regularly. Belle, on the other hand, is heading to Marco Island for a vacation after the wedding. She must be doing well because Marco Island is pretty fancy. I’d kill to live there—it’s a lot like Star Island.

On a lighter note, I’m getting a new meat tenderizer. My dear husband thought it’d be a good idea to split a frozen turkey roll by pounding a cleaver with the tenderizer. Well, bits of metal ended up in the meat, so we had to toss it. I tried using it on a pork chop the next day, but more metal came off, so I threw it out and ordered a replacement.

Being the ChatGPT addict that I am, I ask it all kinds of random questions. Recently, I asked for the chances of me making it to age 75 with untreated high cholesterol (over 300). Surprisingly, it said I have a 50-60% chance. I think I could make it to 80-85, though. It’s kind of like smokers and lung cancer—yeah, some get it, but most don’t. ChatGPT gave me a 30-40% chance of reaching 80, a 70-80% chance of hitting 70, and an 85-90% chance of making it to 65. I even asked about making it to 100, and apparently, I have a whopping 5-10% shot!

A transformer blew somewhere in the neighborhood, so I guess I might as well take my iPhone and start tomorrow’s journal entry. I heard a slight bang right before the power cut out roughly an hour ago. I checked the park group and read that someone was sitting outside in the west section when they heard an explosion and saw a flash by the main entrance, so I’m guessing that’s where the problem is.

An electric company truck was out and about, and I asked the guy what was up. They were still looking at the time. I hope they found and are fixing the problem. It’s a good thing I was awake and hadn’t started the dishwasher yet, but damn, I’m getting sick of all these power failures! I wish this whole area had its wires underground so storms and transformers wouldn’t be such an issue.

I had just sat down to eat when the power went out cold. I lit a couple of the candles that Kim sent and then messaged her to tell her how grateful I was to her for sending them in the first place. The poor girl has COVID and isn’t feeling well.

Tom went to bed early, unlike last night. Last night, I was thinking to myself, my God, would you just go to bed so I can have a good cry? But I’m glad he ended up staying up late because we talked about some things, and that made me feel better. As I’ve always said, I don’t miss the days when he was out 12 hours at a time, but sometimes I just need a little alone time. I’m definitely getting it tonight, and a whole lot of boredom to go with it because there just isn’t much else I can do. My laptop does have a battery, though, so I suppose I could play some games or edit the next segment of my bio. I’m working on part 25 now and guessing that in the end, there will be somewhere between 50 and 70 parts, chapters, or whatever.

The power just came on, yay!

I've been feeling a little down the last few days, but we think we know why. Yeah, I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed in general. There are a few reasons, and they’re kind of intertwined.

My glucose was 103 when I got up. Kathy says that's good, but I thought that was pre-diabetic. Technically it is, but as Tom said, because I'm not 25, there's no real need to worry about it. A doctor wouldn't recommend medication in this case. I was still hoping that by now I would be at 95 or lower, and I still worry I'll get pushed into diabetes in the end, no matter what I do.

Maybe I need to cut more carbs and have fruit that's lower in natural sugars. I've been having a lot of grapes lately, and they’re high in sugar. I was surprised to learn that pears are also high in sugar, though I'm not big on pears. I was also surprised to learn that raspberries are low in sugar when I thought it was the other way around.

Anyway, it's looking like cutting sugar hasn't increased my energy, and once again, it's mostly down to sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, or both. I think I’ve always had a tendency for sleep apnea, but the heavier I got, the more it affected me. It seems that once I got over 140 pounds, I started having more fatigue.

Tom thinks the Inspire device would’ve been a nightmare for me, and personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. It sounds great in theory, but I’m hesitant to try something I can’t return if it doesn’t work out due to how sensitive I am in some ways. I guess I’ll never know for sure, or if the ENTs are doing me a favor by canceling my appointments, or preventing me from getting more energy.

I noticed my moods heading south a few days ago, and I started getting teary-eyed the last couple of nights, almost like I was back in perimenopause. I cried more in the last few nights than I probably have in the last year. I just don’t cry anymore, so that should tell you something. My worst fear was being sucked back down the rabbit hole for another 8 years, unable to do a damn thing about it. But the more I thought about it and the symptoms I’ve been having—except for feeling cold at times—I realized it might be the opposite: that I’m getting high in thyroid versus low. That’s what Tom thinks, too. These are the classic mindfuckers I experience when my TSH starts getting low, so I’m backing off the vitamin D for a bit and just going by how I feel.

I wanted to cry for no reason. Sure, I’ve got some stressful things going on, but not enough to draw tears. I’m stressed because the last few days I’ve had bad fatigue, and Tom thinks it's because I take things to help me sleep too often, like Benadryl or melatonin. I don’t know what to think anymore, but I wouldn’t be surprised if most of the fatigue is from sleep apnea, especially since I haven’t been able to lose more than a few pounds. I’ll never be 150 again, let alone 140.

Tomorrow’s my last chance to wake up refreshed before I’m exhausted for days, as we’re expected to get hit with storms, most of which could be from Hurricane Helene. The spaghetti models have the outer left side of it aimed at us.

We set up an account for me on our smart scale to evaluate more than just my weight, and if it’s correct, then the few pounds I lost aren’t due to bone or muscle loss. Besides, you can see all the muscle even through my fat, particularly in my upper arms, shoulders, and upper abs. You can see a little in my calves and outer thighs as well, just not as much as before, because when you have fatigue for 10 to 15 days a month, it really holds back your ability to be as active and productive as you’d like.

I looked at the calendar on the app for the last 6 months where I mark my energy levels (not counting when storms or nightmares would wake me up), and there was a month before I cut sugar where I actually had the least amount of fatigue. It was disappointing to look back and see, but the pattern clearly shows that cutting sugar hasn’t affected my energy levels. Tom thinks it just hasn’t been long enough, but I disagree. Maybe once we’re out of storm season, we’ll find out.

Anyway, I have good bone density, and my bones weigh 5 pounds while his weigh 8 pounds. I do have a high amount of fat, but I’ve got a lot of muscle too, about 85 pounds worth. I’m a little low on protein and water, though. His visceral fat is high but mine is surprisingly good. I’m surprised because I have a prominent menopause belly.

If I can get my TSH under 10 when I go to the lab, it will be the first time I’ve ever altered fate in a sense. One of the things I’ve always hated about being the kind of psychic that I am is that whenever I get a vibe or have a dream about something I feel is about to happen that does happen, there’s never anything I can do to stop or change it in any way. However, I’m going to do all I can to stop that dream from becoming a premonition where Rhonda and I were discussing having to increase my thyroid dose!

Tom replanted the lemon tree in the large planter and it looks great.

My glucose was 105 when I got up. Still pre-diabetic. I was hoping by now it'd be 95 or lower.

I was looking at the weather for the next week, and I’m just like, why? Just why? Every fucking time I roll onto days, the rain dries up. We might get a little burst of rain, but when it comes to thunderstorms, there’s next to nothing. Then, as soon as I start sleeping in... boom! How am I supposed to think this is just a coincidence?
 
I was hoping to stay caught up on sleep before the storms return, but I’m pretty tired today because I was up for so long yesterday. There's a storm system brewing in the Caribbean, but we don’t know yet how much rain we’ll get from it, and probably won’t until Tuesday.
 
I was on the road earlier when a woman in Texas joined me on my ride. We chatted briefly. I can't wait for new glasses and a new headset! Unfortunately, they’re still several months away. For now, things are blurry, but it's better than nothing.
 
Every now and then, random memories of my evil mother pop into my mind. I don’t know if I’ve ever written about the time I jumped out of the car—twice, I think—during heated arguments with her over something I don’t even remember. I was in my late teens. What possessed me to do something so stupid and risky? It just goes to show how desperate I was to get away from her. We weren’t going very fast, so I wasn’t hurt, but I could have been. That’s how miserable she made me. I wasn’t a little kid, but I was still a kid. For me to do something so drastic and dangerous shows the kind of stress I was under. When a kid does something like that, no matter their age, it’s a serious indication of the hell they’re going through. If there’s an afterlife, I hope her suffering is immense. If she’s been reincarnated, I hope she gets exactly what she gave me—and then some.
 
In the midst of these unpleasant memories, I have some goodies to look forward to from Temu:
 
- Swiffer refills.
- A set of seven seamless boyshorts.
- 50 neon-colored pencils.
- Two kitchen towels with flowers and butterflies.
- A 2025 animal-themed calendar.
- A 1-meter mixed-color rhinestone tape for decorating furniture.
- A notebook with multicolored pages.
- A wildflower sticker for behind the bathroom door.
- Pink lipstick.
- Glitter mascara.
- A pale pink bed skirt.
- Patterns coloring book.
- Pink cherry blossom fitted sheet.
- Air freshener.
- Metallic pink nail polish.

It’s a good thing I didn’t have breathing issues in my sleep because I completely forgot to put in the nasal dilator last night.

Today, I’m definitely feeling more energized, and I’m hoping to keep this trend going for a few days—at least until storms, power outages, or who knows what else starts waking me up again.

Did I jinx myself by mentioning how much quieter the motorcycle has been like I did in my last post? Of course! Just a few hours after I posted that, I heard the damn thing pull in. And as I was getting up, I caught him playing the “rev it” game. I’m still not sure if he lives here full-time, but I have a feeling that when they finally decide to move in together, he’ll have to move into her place rather than the other way around.

I was reading the latest comments on his latest Crazy Karen video—she’s what I’m now calling the garden nut. The redneck mentioned that if he went to the higher-ups about her, he’d probably get evicted and couldn’t even sell his place because of her. Oh, how I wish he’d sell out! Then he could take that annoying mutt with him which is going to be a regular nuisance once the weather cools down. Funny that when I looked at the park’s Google reviews, he had written that the neighbors were “great.” Seems like he jinxed himself a bit, too!

Someone even offered to help clean up her yard, but the redneck told them that she actually thinks it looks nice!

We managed to clean out about 90% of my bad ear, and my blood sugar is looking pretty good so far—it was 104 about half an hour after eating. I’ll test it again tomorrow when I wake up. I’d love for it to be in the 80s, but I doubt I’ll get that lucky.

A few days after we bombed the ants, they backed off for the most part, though we spotted one yesterday. We think they might be carpenter ants because, during transit, the counter pulled away from the kitchen wall, leaving about a one-inch gap. Tomorrow, we’re expecting to receive a special powder that’s safe for pets and humans but deadly to insects.

I need to clear my mind of the negative thoughts swirling around in it. Tom is napping—he’s always tired on donation days.

Yesterday, I cried more than I had in months. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of him not being here, and how utterly alone and devastated I would feel. On top of that, I’d be left to handle everything he takes care of—things that would be so hard for me to manage. He seems to think I could make it without him and talks about how the payments would be automated, how Medicare gives you 50 free rides a year, etc. But I know I wouldn’t survive the heartbreak and loneliness. The idea of waking up every day without him—no more golfing, no more jumping in the car with him driving—it would just drain the life right out of me. I keep trying to remind myself not to dwell on things that haven’t happened yet, but it’s easier said than done.

I know there’s a slim chance I could go first, but that doesn’t feel much better. I wouldn’t want to leave him alone, even though he’s more capable than I am. I’d never want to abandon him, just like I never want to live without him. If I did, I would have left him by now.

He seems to take aging as just a fact of life, and he handles it well, but it’s still hard to see him grow old. He’s still capable, but it’s not like it was 30 years ago, especially with his shaking. His memory is still better than mine, though he’s become a little more forgetful. I’ve told him there’s no way I’ll live the 5 to 15 years I might survive after he’s gone, assuming he dies around the age his father did, in his mid-80s. I keep telling him we need to be prepared, and he always says we’ll have warning when his time is near.

I believe that’s probably true. I’ve always had a psychic sense that he might get some kind of terminal cancer in the end. But I could be wrong. He might have a sudden heart attack or be in an accident. Florida is full of accidents. Either way, nothing will change my mind—I’ll go when he does unless I’m surprised by going first. I just don’t see that happening, though.

Why can’t I just live in the moment? I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me, why my mind keeps drifting to the worst possible scenarios when we’re not even there yet—and likely won’t be for nearly two decades.

In other news, the redneck posted another video of the nutjob’s “garden.” It’s about a minute and a half long. Supposedly, she doesn’t have electricity or running water over there, and now there’s talk of her being evicted. I get why the redneck and Julie would be thrilled, but I’m not sure I like that idea because she’s quiet and I’m not next to her. That wide driveway would be perfect for motorcycles, and the two lanais would be inviting to dog owners.

Speaking of motorcycles, I probably shouldn’t jinx myself by saying this, but I haven’t heard the ones behind the honker in a while.

Toni posted that while she was away, someone removed the fog light from her car and tried to move a large planter but only managed to shift it a foot—it was too heavy. I hope no one tries to steal our bench. I wonder if they’d be tempted if it was out front. It’s worrisome and a reminder that crime can happen anywhere. My bike was stolen in an upscale gated community in California, after all.

On a lighter note, I ordered a few things from Amazon:

• Glucose strips to get a sense of where my blood sugar is at these days.
• Two bottles of floor cleaner—one lavender-scented, the other watermelon-scented.
• Dust mite spray for bedding.
• Fertilizer for the lemon tree.
• A larger happy light for my desk.

Another tired day, even though nothing woke me up. Tom reminded me about how sleep debt works, but I'm starting to worry that the burst of energy I had was just a fluke designed to tease me. I woke up at 6:30 and realized I was still exhausted. Checking my Fitbit, I saw that I’d only slept for 5 hours and 17 minutes. Definitely not enough. I went back to sleep for another hour, but I’m still tired.

Poor Tom. It was donation day and they got blood all over his clothes.

I had a dream that Kathy lived in my town and came by one day to pick me up so we could hang out at her place. After a while, she felt tired and went to lie down for a nap. I sat on her couch, playing on my phone. Eventually, I decided to get up and tidy her kitchen. She really appreciated it. When I told her about the dream, she laughed and said it was funny because she's super picky about her kitchen and can’t even go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink.

She quit Walmart because she got fed up with all the drama. She’ll likely go back to being a substitute teacher.

Ugh, as soon as I return to PB, the tech issue starts up again. Josh took over for Simple Mind who didn’t know what he was doing, then Buffy took over for Josh who didn’t know what he was doing. So I’m just wondering when and who is going to take over for Buffy who also doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing.

From now on, I’m only doing monthly updates over there. Or maybe weekly, I don’t know. All I do know is that the site is not reliable enough to use every day. Also, I was never there to make friends but to drop another copy of my stuff on, so I don’t want unwanted attention, positive or negative, or unsolicited advice. Since I can’t allow comments from friends only, my only choice is to be all or nothing where that’s concerned. Since I’m only going to update in chunks, I’ll probably allow them.

Once again, I’ve been inconvenienced by someone I don’t even know, while I couldn’t inconvenience anyone else if I tried—not that I want to. I had finally gotten my allergies under control and was on track for a good night’s sleep until I woke up on my own. But then, at 4:30 in the morning, there was a power failure. The first time, it only lasted a minute. I eventually got back to sleep, only for the power to go out again at 7:30. This time, it was out for nearly three hours, and I was woken up from a deep sleep, right in the middle of a dream.

In the dream, I found myself in some sort of group home, assigned to a room that already had a woman in it. The room had bunk beds, and the top bunk was so high I couldn’t figure out how I’d manage to climb up there since the bottom was already taken. I left the room and started writing a letter to Tom, explaining that I thought I might be there for six months—a huge chunk of a rat’s lifetime. Strangely, in the dream, we had three male rats, not just one. When I went back to the room, the bunk beds were gone, replaced by two full-sized beds side by side with a small nightstand in between. I was relieved I wouldn’t have to worry about getting into bed anymore.

Later, when we went out to pick up my prescription, we saw them working on a pole in the opposite direction, so we assumed the outage was caused by an accident, as is often the case around here. There hadn’t been any storms, just some rain the night before, and I was surprised there was no thunder to add to the list of wake-up calls.

I swear, I’m damned if I sleep at night and I’m damned if I sleep during the day. It’s like I can’t win, no matter what. That's three fucking times I've been woken up in four days. Three times! It's like I'm back in CH. I’ve started to wonder if my only option is to train myself to sleep in chunks or try some kind of spell to help me get better rest.

I researched polyphasic sleep, which involves sleeping in segments, but I don’t think I can do it. It still requires a certain level of regularity, which I can’t achieve with my sleep disorder. Plus, I can’t make myself fall asleep on command. So even if I planned to sleep in chunks, there would be no guarantee I’d be able to.

AI recommended five different spells, most of which involve lavender, lavender oil, and blue or purple candles. I went through my witchcraft kit, and I have all of these items and more. I also have various crystals hanging above the bed on colored strings (or rather, a chain). I don’t usually believe in magic, and I’m not sure any of this will help. Every time I seem to fix one sleep issue, something else comes along to disrupt it. It really feels like there’s something out there intent on cursing my sleep.

On top of that, my back has been aching on the right side, just next to my spine. This is the third day I’ve had this problem, and I’m not sure if it’s because my ab muscles are weakening or something else. I can’t stick to a new exercise regimen if I don’t have the energy to stay consistent. I guess it’s time to get the massager out. I was using it after the first power failure, and I actually fell asleep while it was working. But as soon as it shut off after 10 minutes, I woke up—the slightest change in sound, and I’m wide awake.

The black blackout drapes are back up. Poor Tom had a hard time putting them up because he’s gotten so shaky. Next year he’s probably going to go on medication for it. Black or not, they look great and really warm the room. They kind of give me an added sense of security, even though they block heat and light a lot more than sound.

My nose didn’t wake me up last night, but after taking Zyrtec before bed, I woke up feeling groggy. I’ve been tired all day. Like I told Tom, I really hope it’s just the Zyrtec and that the energy I’ve been having lately wasn’t some fluke. I’d hate to go back to having fatigue so much of the time.

Tom finished tiling the exterior bedroom wall, and it looks fantastic! I’m planning to swap out the sheer purple curtains for the black blackout drapes. Though the black ones are a bit plain, I’m thinking of adding some beads or other embellishments to give them a little extra flair.

I asked AI what it thought my A1C might be after cutting out sugar for the past few months. It predicted somewhere between 5.6 and 5.8. Honestly, I don’t expect it, because I’m not exactly a lucky person, but I’m hoping for 5.6 since 5.7 to 6.4 is pre-diabetic.

I’ve decided if it’s normal, I’ll just keep doing what I’ve been doing. If it’s the same, I’ll cut out carbs. But if it’s up, I’ll have to face my fear of how my current medication might affect me—and get used to being hungry most of the time—to finally get rid of this extra weight. Since I can’t burn calories normally, I’ll have to cut my daily intake to 1,000 calories or less if the number goes up. I swear, I will not let fate, destiny, happenstance—whatever—force me onto another medication I’ll only have problems with!

I couldn’t help but think about Becky running across the U.S. to meet her grandson as soon as he was born, and how the honker ran across Canada to meet his new grandson when he was born. Then I wondered, what if Tom and I had had a kid when we were in Phoenix? How many years would it have taken my parents to care enough to come out and meet it? It took them five years just to visit me there. Five fucking years. Half a decade to finally care enough to visit their own daughter. Half a fucking decade!

My ENT and pulmonologist appointments have been canceled and now I’m appointment-free until I see Rhonda in December. Rhonda, who finally refilled my meds after having to message her through the portal.

Did some voice tweets since it’s been a while and I still have an iPhone. Unfortunately, the option is not available for Androids. There was talk about it a while ago, but of course, Elon Musk had to go and fuck things up.

I’m tired today because apparently my sugar-free body can handle one night of broken-up sleep but not two. Whatever is cursing my sleep really will use anything—like literally anything. No traffic, no thunder, no problem. It can just use my own damn body. It was the same old shit with my nose waking me up because it was so stuffy and I couldn’t breathe through it. I only sleep on my stomach or my side, and I never breathe through my mouth in my sleep. I pretty much got myself in the habit of this so I wouldn’t snore, and I haven’t been snoring that I know of. If I roll over onto my back, which is where you’re more likely to snore, I haven’t been aware of it.

So anyway, I got up with a stuffy nose even though I remembered to put the nose dilator in, but that wasn’t enough. So I got up and tried flushing it with just warm water since I don’t have that stuff you put in the bottle, and that didn’t help much other than to make my nose sting like hell for a minute. So then I snorted up with the Flonase that I recently got as part of my quarterly freebies from CVS and took half a Benadryl just like the night before.

I was eventually able to get back to sleep, but when I woke up, it hit me that Nasacort and Flonase probably weren’t the same thing. I asked AI, and they confirmed they weren’t. They said that different people respond to different ones better, and obviously, Flonase is not as good for me as Nasacort. So we jumped on Walmart and ordered Nasacort and also some more Zyrtec, but this time around I got the children’s liquid form of Zyrtec so that if I don’t quite want a full dose, I can cut it down a bit. So I’ve got these things coming today.

We’re also going to do things like keep the bedroom air cleaner on 24/7 just like the one in the other bedroom and the living room.

Going to start washing sheets in hot water, and we’re looking for a spray you can use on bedding that’s good for killing dust mites.

They also recommend showering before bed rather than when you get up, because then you rinse any pollen off that may be on you before bed. Lastly, a saline rinse before bed is also recommended because that too rinses out possible allergens. So I’m gonna do that and hope for the best! It sucks, though. Just when I thought I had it made in this climate, this starts, and yes, it can take a few years. So while I don’t mind the humidity, my nose begs to differ.

I’m going to be kind of pissed if Rhonda doesn’t take care of my prescription today. I requested Walgreens to contact her for a refill yesterday and got a message from Walgreens saying it’s delayed because she hasn’t responded yet. So if she doesn’t respond today, then tomorrow I’ll call the office and say, hey, when I ask for a refill, I need it filled.

I wish I could keep all things Aetna but trade her in for Galileo since they were so much faster and convenient, but they’re just too expensive.

When I was at the glaucoma doctor yesterday, he didn’t do anything out of the ordinary to suggest why he may have shown up in a series of dreams as he did. I do remember a couple of weird things, though. He had such strong-smelling cologne on. It was kind of good, though. It only hit me for a second, and as soon as I got a whiff of it, I was like, oh, I know that smell from all my years of getting incense and things like that. But what it was slipped my mind before it could come to me.

Also, on the way out, he goes, “God bless you, ma’am.” LOL, I knew he was religious because I’d seen pictures of him online with a big gold cross hanging from his neck, so that wasn’t too much of a surprise, though I don’t think I’ve ever had any doctors say that to me on the way out of their office.

I had one dream where we had land somewhere, and I stepped out to dump the trash or something. I saw a bear cub pull itself out of a hole in a hillside. Then, right after that, mama bear comes out, and I said, “Fuck it, I’m going inside.” After some time had passed, although it was the same dream, I went outside again. We definitely had quite a bit of land because I was quite a ways away from the house when I spotted a bear not too far away, and I thought to myself, damn! If I didn’t have a shitty memory, I would remember these things are around here, and I never would have come out—or at least not ventured so far from the house. So I was in a panic to get back to the house before they could get to me.

Then I had another dream that I made some jewelry for someone, and they left a voice message saying I did a really good job and that their only complaint was that they asked me not to have any visitors while I was making it because they didn’t want me to get distracted, and I’m thinking to myself in the dream, who did I supposedly have for visitors? I didn’t have visitors.

In the third and last dream, I was sitting on a bench at the end of a long street. A young, kind of tall, skinny lesbian sat down next to me, and I knew what she wanted. These days, no matter what a woman may look like, I’m not interested. I don’t know how old I was in the dream, but anyone who came on to me that strong, regardless of gender, would turn me off. But she was persistent, so I thought, well, maybe I could be selfish and have her spoil me, so let’s see if she’s a giver or a taker. So I asked her if she liked to take care of others, be taken care of, or both, and she said she was selfish. That was the dealbreaker until we agreed on foot massage exchanges. I went to do her feet first, only to find she had no feet! I was amazed that she could walk without them. All she had were these flat stubs below her ankles.

I can barely see the screen as I write about my good, but surprising appointment with the glaucoma doctor. The dilation drops from my eye exam haven’t worn off yet, and everything is so bright. I could wear the shades they gave me to slip inside my regular glasses to darken things, but then it’s even harder to see.

I like to go in order of events, so I’ll start by mentioning that I had a dream I’d wake up too early, and sure enough, I did. Luckily, I fell back asleep, but an hour later, my stuffy nose woke me up. What’s the point of nasal spray if it doesn’t work? I almost never breathe through my mouth while sleeping, but I woke up unable to breathe because my nose was so stuffed. I’d forgotten my dilator, so I put it in, which usually helps, but I was still having trouble breathing.

I got up, took half a Benadryl, and thought the interrupted sleep would leave me exhausted today. But surprisingly, I’m not feeling too bad. Cutting out sugar has really improved my energy levels in ways I never imagined so I’m never going back to it!

When I finally got up for good, I saw that assassination attempt number two of Trump happened here in Florida yesterday. They really need to stop missing! Third time’s the charm… Hopefully. Although Tom just said that the crazy guy didn’t actually shoot Trump. Whatever. I could say that it would be wonderful if Trump dropped dead and it’s true, but he would only be replaced with the same evil shit. A Republican is a Republican, and the requirements to be a Republican means you have to hate gays and women, deny climate change, and a host of other bullshit.

Kamala is definitely the lesser evil, but I’m really sick of hearing about all the immigrants and illegals she’s going to allow the luxury of taking up housing, jobs, and burdening the healthcare system at the first chance she gets.

In the past, if you asked me if I was a Republican or Democrat, I would have automatically said Democrat. But now, I hate them both and consider myself Independent. Republicans are worse with how hateful and controlling they are, but all the Democrats want to do is bring millions of people into the country and give our money away.

All morning long, I was so hungry. It took eating about 1,000 calories (not all at once) to finally get rid of it. Tom thinks my body is adjusting to lower glucose levels. I hope he’s right and nothing sinister is going on.

A few days ago, I was freezing and feeling hypo, but now I’m warming up, thanks to the daily vitamins. I might need to back off for a couple of days, so it’s likely connected to my thyroid, as I always suspected.

At the appointment, the nurse took me to a room and put dilating drops in my eyes, which I hate because they sting. Then, she led me to another room for the "glamor shots." This was the worst part of the exam—the drops stung, and the lights during the pictures were so bright.

Afterward, I went to yet another room to wait a little too long for the doctor. I could hear him talking in the next room to a patient he had just gone to see while the nurse finished up my photos. When he finally came in, he told me my pictures looked good, then he put numbing drops in my eyes and measured my eye pressure, which was also good.

Then, I learned two surprising facts. First, I asked what my chances were of actually developing glaucoma, and he said 30%—a one-in-three chance. That’s higher than my chances of having a heart attack or stroke due to my high cholesterol!

Next, I asked about cataracts, and he told me I have a small one. When I asked when I might need surgery, I expected him to say at least 20 years from now. But he said maybe when I’m around 61 or 62! Tom and I were both surprised because he’s older than that and has cataracts that have been forming for a while now.

It turns out my right eye is the problem. With glasses, my left eye is 20/20, but my right eye is 20/30. I didn’t realize that just one eye could throw off my overall vision so much. While waiting for the doctor, I looked at one of his awards on the wall with just my left eye and saw it clearly. But when I looked with my right eye, it was very blurry. I’m having the same effect with this screen with the different eyes.

He wants to see me every six months. I’ll also need a new optometrist since they only do eye exams as part of medical visits if you have special eye insurance.

After the appointment, Tom and this hyperopia glaucoma suspect went to Burger King. He got a chicken sandwich, and I got a fish sandwich to take home. But the idiots labeled them wrong, and without thinking, I bit into his chicken sandwich. I didn’t even think to check if he had the fish sandwich! I just assumed they had messed up and given us both chicken sandwiches. So between their stupidity and my own, Burger King was a bust. At least the fries were good, though.

I’m completely baffled by these strange feelings I’ve been having. For the second day in a row, I weighed 157 lbs, and it feels like 156 is just around the corner for the first time since 2018. I’m trying to be excited about it, but a little green pill is dampening that excitement. The thing is, aside from the weight loss, I’ve been experiencing terrible cold spells, which is a classic symptom of hypothyroidism. I’m feeling cold and hungry, and losing weight could also be a sign of diabetes. So, I’m really worried about my upcoming lab results and the possibility of being pushed into diabetes no matter what lifestyle changes I make.

Tom thinks cutting out sugar is responsible for the weight loss, but I’m not sure. It certainly can’t hurt, but I’m still taking in more calories than I burn. I know that losing weight and being hungry often go hand in hand, but the real question is why I’m losing weight. Even though it’s only a few pounds, it seems strange, even with cutting out sugar.

For now, I’m trying to follow Tom’s advice and enjoy these months before labs. It’s tough, though, because I worry about my TSH levels being off and having to decide whether it’s bad enough to increase my dose, and if so, by how much and how fast. I can’t just jump up my dose suddenly, or all that anxiety I battled for years is going to come rushing back. Then there’s the added worry of possibly needing diabetes medication. I won’t even get started on my cholesterol. And who knows, maybe my WBC or RBC will throw in some bad numbers for good measure.

I’ve looked into what else could be making me feel cold and lose weight, but nothing I found makes much sense. Eating helps warm me up a little, and drinking does even more, but I’m not about to pop open a bottle of wine every time I get cold. I swear, we older women are always either too cold or too hot!

I also looked up sleep apnea exercises, and one of them is a tongue push-up, which is also recommended for TMJ. Looks like I shouldn’t have quit singing, too. As a trained singer, I can personally say that you don’t form vowels the same way when singing as when speaking. The mouth is more open for vowels like “O,” or it won’t sound right—especially if the vowel is held for more than a beat.

I haven’t felt like I’ve had as much alone time as I usually do when I’m working nights. I got up at midnight, and hopefully, he’ll sleep until his usual 5 or 6 a.m. It’s 3 a.m. now, and he’s still asleep. I’m not sure if I’m in the mood to work on my story, so maybe I’ll work on my bio.

I’ve now been stormed awake eight times this summer. That might not sound like much, but it’s different when you’re tired as hell. Last night, I surprisingly had more energy than I expected, but tonight, I don’t have much. As usual, the storms will probably stop as soon as I switch back to days. I really hope I can catch a break and sleep straight through before my Monday appointment, which I decided to keep and now kind of regret not canceling.

I still haven’t canceled the pulmonologist appointment, and Tom has been playing phone tag with the ENT’s office. Honestly, I’m tempted to just leave that one hanging. They made things harder for me, so why should we make it easier for them? They want to reschedule, but I know they’d just cancel again.

Besides, we’ve talked about it, and we both agree that Inspire might not be right for me. I’m sensitive, and this isn’t like a CPAP where you can just return it if it doesn’t work out. Tom found some exercises that are supposed to help with OSA, so I plan to look into that when I’ve got more energy. I’d hate to get the Inspire and then find I couldn’t sleep on my stomach or even on my side without noticing it.

I’m truly amazed at how much better I feel since cutting out sugar. I always heard about the benefits, but people tend to exaggerate, so I didn’t expect much. Honestly, I don’t even miss it. If I gave up wine, that’d be harder, but it’d still be doable. I’ve got more energy overall, and my weight, which I thought would reset, has stayed steady. I’m usually around 158, though I was 157 again earlier today. I doubt I’ll lose any more.

I am getting a little tired of losing my alone time, though. I count on it when I’m on nights. Earlier, I went to nap and wasn’t quite asleep, but then he turned on the kitchen light and started talking to Alexa. I noticed because I hadn’t closed the door. He got up because he was hungry. His schedule has been erratic lately, and it’s frustrating because one of us having a wacky schedule is bad enough. I’d probably be more annoyed if I had the energy to work on my story. I really like to be alone when I do that.

I added a few things to the Walmart cart. Collard greens are okay—they’re edible, but I don’t think I’ll get them again. I don’t want to waste what I have, though, so I got some hummus to make wraps with them.

As for the FAA, they’re giving me the usual excuses. They claim they know I feel like my complaints aren’t being heard, but say they can’t control the situation, and that flight activity has increased since 2020, partly due to the beautiful weather here.

I don’t just feel like my complaints are being ignored—they are being ignored. And to say they can’t do anything is pure bullshit. "We can’t" really means "we won’t."

It’s just my typical luck that the population—and flight activity—skyrocketed between 2020 and 2021, mostly due to the lack of COVID restrictions here. We could move to Alaska and everyone would suddenly want to move there too.

On another note, Nurse Kim is now 55! Not crazy Kim—she’s still in her 40s, and I think she just turned 44.

I blocked messages on Pinterest, yet I’m still getting them. They’re mostly from senseless names sending senseless stuff. I’m not even going to bother previewing and declining them anymore. I’ll just ignore everything.

Lastly, the new golf course, Mars Garden, came out yesterday. It’s a good course—nice graphics and no crazy hard holes, but finding the hidden balls is a challenge.