As far as Teddy Bear goes, I’m moving on and putting her behind me. That’s all I can do. Only one of three things could’ve happened. 1. She never got the letter and decided to blow me off by not calling. 2. She got the letter and decided to blow me off. 3. I was just a game to her all along and she never had any intentions of contacting me.

I would hope that number 3 is the least likely thing to have happened.

I can’t say for sure whether or not Tom mailed my letter to Pérez, but if he didn’t, then he probably never mailed Rule’s either, and therefore, I wouldn’t have to worry that they may be conspiring against me for writing 3 DOs, that to them, may be like 30.

Mary was telling me that a DO named Sexton, appropriately, was arrested for having sex with female inmates at Madison. But how could that be, unless it was done at the intake area? Madison’s a male jail.

At 9:00 this evening, I took a 4-hour nap after taking a Benadryl to try to get my schedule flipped faster so I could go to the store to hunt for that hair dye. I also need new books.

Tom showed me a site called I Won. It’s where you can compare your scores to others and win prizes if your score is the highest. Well, as good as I am at Mah Jong, I doubt I’ll get the highest score or win anything.

Speaking of winning anything, after he won $5 at the new casino, which was rather shitty, we went to our regular casino where I lost about $50. I should’ve known better, knowing we’re predestined to lose every time we step foot in a casino, and I should’ve gotten the Brazilian doll if there was a chance they could get it to me. This Thursday is when we’ll be emailing the doll people for shot number two at getting Chris.

Although the babies are getting a bit braver, they’re still way too skittish for these kinds of rats. Especially ones that were born here.

Later…

the cheeks came by at 11:30. He said he sent my progress report off, along with copies of my certificates.

We called JBS Dolls in Mesa. An undressed Joy kit costs $225 and an undressed assembled kit costs $250. We’re going to go with the assembled kit. This Friday, after we see the cheeks, we’ll stop in their store and place the order. I think it’ll take something like two weeks for her to arrive from Kingman. I’m pretty sure I’ll want her in an Indian slip with dark hair and eyes.

I don’t know that I’ll want to continue with the other doll place. If it isn’t the post office fucking up, they’re out of stock on the dolls. No wonder they’re so cheap. Not being stocked up is one thing, but this is the second time out of the 4 different deliveries (every other time) that the post office has fucked up and I can’t have that. I could put up with them not getting the dolls to me on time, but I can’t put up with them not getting some of the dolls to me at all.

For the first time in a long time, I’ve been stuck for more than two days and it’s caused me to gain 3 pounds.

I tell myself to get over it, but even so, I still find myself pissed off at myself just as much as those who have wronged me. Why was I so nice, so trusting, and so stupid when it came to the freeloaders and pigs?! Why did I let that black bitch come to my door and tell me to shut up so she could accuse me of being everything she and her people were? Why didn’t I kick her ass then? Why? Why? Why?

And why did I believe God would let me have Teddy Bear, if only part-time?

And why doesn’t it bother me that my husband’s not interested in touching me? Why aren’t I crying over that, doing everything I could possibly think of to turn him on? Why don’t I desire him? Does it not bother me that we’re not interested in each other cuz I’ve come to accept it and to know that that’s part of being together for a long time?

Later…

They’re up on the renter’s roof right now. My God, the work over there never ends! Also, they have a large plastic garbage can on wheels sitting out by the road as if they expect trash pickup.

Sunday, after Tom visits Mom, I should have new ink cartridges. On Monday I can mail out stuff to both Mary and Paula, but I swear I’m gonna stop writing to Paula if I don’t hear from her! How do I even know she’s getting my mail, though she probably is? Also, it’d be nice and a bit fairer if she’d write more often. And for real, too.

Hopefully, Mary can tell me where the DOs say Teddy Bear is (I asked her to ask a handful of them to see how many say Madison or that they don’t know). Also, if Pérez mentioned getting my letter, and if she got the letter where I mentioned writing Pérez. Maybe another thing Mary could do, if she wouldn’t mind playing detective, is to see if she can find out exactly what the policies are. Teddy Bear had told me that they weren’t supposed to have contact with inmates till they’d been out a year (something I suspected may not be the case), but as Tom pointed out, that could’ve changed to never being allowed contact. If there’s any way she could find out what the policy is nowadays, that may help me to understand what may’ve happened. At least it could rule out or narrow down the possibilities.

Once again, it’s quite a coincidence that I said that the post office would fuck up since the doll I ordered was in stock and that’s exactly what happened. If there had been delays a few times, then I’d write it off as a coincidence. After all, nothing’s perfect. But it’s so obvious that something doesn’t want me getting dolls as soon as I should. As cheap as this place is, I’m almost tempted to give up on them. Six dolls and not one of them arrived on time. By now it’s safe to say that Chris was put in someone else’s box. Someone who kept her too, so we’ll have to order another one. I guess Tom will be getting information as to where the best place is to get Joy, as believe it or not, our stock money came in. I hate to think of the hell we’ll have to go through to get her!

After thinking I was going to fill some of my spare time with Teddy Bear, only to find out that she was just a dream, I find myself filled with worries and uncertainties. Knowing God would just ignore any requests for help or answers, I don’t bother to turn to him. I learned better a long time ago. Yeah, God, I know you’re up there laughing down at me right now. Probably saying, “You sucker! You fool!”

And that’s exactly what I am to have believed I’d have Teddy Bear, no matter how sure set it seemed.

So now what? A part of me wishes I could conquer my fears of driving. I don’t know how or why I got his phobia. I’ve never been in an accident before. I suppose some would say that I was in an accident in a previous life and that that’s why driving scares me. I guess anything’s possible, though I’m no longer sure I believe in any kind of an afterlife.

I still can’t believe Teddy Bear’s ignoring me. I’d rather she called and told me she decided I was a fat ugly geek than blow me off without a care in the world! At least then I’d have known why she ditched me.

Though I’m still worlds away from the end of this freeloader sentence, I know that the closer I get to the end of it the closer I get to the next long-term curse and crisis. That could be just as soon as a year and a half away. Sure I want to get the freeloaders out of our lives, but what would I be trading them in for?

Later…

Got a postcard from Mary. The postcard shows a picture of Joe standing amid Tent City.

Mary’s input has made me consider other possibilities, though I won’t be able to take her advice on calling her at Madison.

Ok, say she’s right and she never got my letter and also lost my number. Well, as soon as she said Pérez never gave her any indication of getting my letter (assuming Tom mailed it) it made me wonder if the county held my letters to both of them, as well as to Rule, to try to build a “case” against me. Remember, I’m still Jewish and living in an anti-Jewish state, and I’ve got a stalking label on me, for God’s sake. I have to consider this possibility. The state could be itching to say I’m stalking DOs and if I called looking for her at Madison or at home (not that I know her home number), that could get me in trouble I don’t need. I’ve had enough shit from this state as it is.

She was right in saying that she doesn’t seem like the type to blow me off, but we can never know for sure exactly what happened and why. Some of the nicest, sincerest people can turn out to be phony assholes. I think the best thing to do would be to leave it to fate. That’s all I really can do. I do appreciate her looking into it, though, as well as her support and concern.

Damn, I wish she’d work there again! Then she could ask her what happened and give her the number if she wanted it, but I doubt she’ll ever work there again, and if she does, I doubt it’d be before she left.

Meanwhile, all I can do is wonder what happened and not know for sure. We just can’t have everything we want in life. I mean, sure I wish I could get a message across to her if she didn’t blow me off, but I can’t risk getting into trouble. She either blew me off for any number of reasons, or she didn’t get the letter and she lost the number. If the latter of the two is the case, then God will lead her to me somehow if this is what she wants and if it’s meant to be. I still believe I’ll never see her again, though. I believe what Tom believes - that she got the letter and has chosen to ignore me. Why, I can only speculate as to the many reasons she may have. I think she’s either seeing someone, or that it has to do with a policy, or that she decided I was too far out of the way. She always struck me as the responsible type and although she could’ve lost the number, I doubt she did. I think she’d have called if she didn’t get the letter yet still wanted to see me. Meanwhile, I’m not going to risk getting in trouble for someone who may not want to see me. As I told her, though, she’s still welcome to find out whatever she can.

As far as making Tom take Viagra like she suggested - trust me, nobody makes Tom do anything. Plus, that’s for guys who can’t get hard to begin with. I couldn’t even get him to see a doctor back when I used to want a kid. If he doesn’t want to fix his lack of appetite/cumming, he won’t, and no one can make him. I wouldn’t want to make him anyway. That has to be something a person wants to do on their own. It’s like with losing weight or quitting smoking. You gotta do it for yourself, not someone else.

Secondly, even if he did want Viagra and suddenly had an appetite - I don’t. Not for him anyway. We’ve simply been together too long for that. I love Tom, the man, but I don’t desire sex with him. I’d rather imagine myself with a woman I was attracted to than actually have him. We love each other and we’ll always be together, but not as playmates.

Thirdly, I’ve heard bad reports about Viagra. People have had heart attacks on it. The last thing I’d want Tom to do would be to risk his health all in the name of lust. As long as we love each other, we don’t have to lust for each other. To know we can count on each other through thick and thin is what counts.

She likes the idea of this hair dye thing. Yeah, I figured she would. Hopefully, I’ll get it soon.

Been having loads of fun collecting MP3s. I’m totally into the current stuff these days. If it wasn’t for this one oldie I’ve been trying to track down, I wouldn’t bother with the oldies, 70s, or 80s at this point. I’ve got everything I want from those times, except for that one song. This is a 60s song I’m looking for and I don’t know the artist or title of the song, though I know I’d recognize it as soon as I heard it.

Anyway, it’s just so cool to like a song and simply download myself a copy of it. Every now and then there’s a song I just can’t find, but I can find 95% of them.

When oh when am I going to get over you, Officer R. D. Johnson? Last night was tough. I cried and cried and cried. I wanted to be with her so badly. To get to know her, to get it on with her, etc. Her blowing me off has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. I thought it’d be easier to take, but I thought wrong. I know I’m going to get over her, but the question is when? How many weeks, months or even years will it take? Every day I wake to the same questions: how could she do this to me and why?

I hope that if I’m ever crushing on another woman she’s a celebrity like Gloria. That way I can’t get led on and dropped like I was some kind of a joke. Like I was just something to pass the time with.

At least I won’t have to worry about ever making any dumb decisions. Never have to make any tough decisions. I’ll never get the misfortune of ever being torn between her and Tom. Never risk throwing it all away for her - Tom, my home, my security - just to end up dumped, homeless and penniless on account of her.

Being in jail and having firsthand experience with the system like I have has changed my views and opinions on some of the laws. First of all, I don’t think any non-violent people should ever be jailed. Probation is enough of a punishment, and their families need them. When you lock people up, the families suffer as well. One could lose so much by being locked up. What if someone owns a house and has no one to take care of it while they’re gone? That just seems like an awful lot to lose over drugs, hooking or supposed letters filled with threats. A person could lose their home, their possessions, their job, and in essence, their whole life.

I used to believe violent people should be killed to save on the costs of housing and feeding them, but now I don’t think so. I think they should live to suffer. They should be beaten and tortured every day of their lives until they die.

In case I forgot to say so, I stopped emailing chickenmax a few months ago. I just got sick of it.

Later…

I decided that rather than try to write another novel of any kind, I’d just write clips. Bits and pieces of various scenes and situations like are done for virtual reality. Who knows? Maybe someday we’ll have the software for that, though from what Tom says, it doesn’t look all that real. It’s a complex thing that looks quite animated, but either way, as a form of self-therapy for myself, as well as for something more to do, I’ll consider myself a virtual reality scene writer. Of course, I’ll just be doing the script part of it and no drawings. This will be therapeutic in the way that it was to send the freeloaders their shit. Especially the made-up stuff like how I went house-hopping, hopping from roof to roof. And how she supposedly chased him with the weed whacker. How Bill and I picked the bitch up together.

I know I’m not going to profit financially from doing this, but I think it’ll help and that it’ll be fun and give me something more to do. To explain a little more about what I had in mind, well, it’d be sort of like the way Mary writes. She writes clips of different experiences she’s had, only they really happened. For me, I’ll be writing clips of things that never happened, but that might’ve gone the way I wrote them if they had. I can write a scene on how I thought it’d be - how I’d like it to have been - with Teddy Bear and I in bed. The scene I’m going to start with is one where I confront her and her girlfriend in public. This is because I think the most likely reason she blew me off is cuz she’s seeing someone.

Mine and Mary’s writing styles are very different, so she really helped me to see other ways of writing, you could say.

Tom both surprised and pleased me when he said no to if he wanted to read it. Now why couldn’t he have done that with my bio?

Before I begin, Little Buddy managed to escape by pulling the door open so now I keep it hooked. They probably worked as a team. As the little ones pulled the door inward, that’s probably when he hopped out.

A couple of other things - Tom’s still not convinced she’s blown me off, but I am. I know she’s gotten the letter and I know she wouldn’t have waited this long to contact me if she really wanted to.

I also asked him what his opinion would be as to why she blew me off, and he said that I may’ve come across as too obsessive and made her nervous.

I doubt it. I mean, she sure as hell didn’t seem nervous to me back in that jail. A nearly 6’ tall person with a gun nervous of an unarmed person nearly a foot shorter and 80 pounds lighter? I don’t think so.

Then why did she talk about us getting together? I asked Tom, and he said she was just making conversation.

That’s a hell of a conversation to be having with someone that you know likes you and that you’re supposed to like back. She should’ve picked something else to make small talk about, which was obviously all she was doing - just talking.

Though I may be obsessive in the way that I’m always thinking about her and talking about her to Tom, I don’t think I came on too strong for her, but maybe I did. Maybe Miss Shy & Old Fashioned felt I was too outspoken for her, but again, I don’t know about this. She seemed to like that quality in me, telling her how I kept her on her toes.

If anything I may’ve said or did truly did scare her off, what a wimp. What a major wimp! I thought this was supposed to be a strong, intelligent person. Well, intelligent, yes. Strong, no. Maybe she’s not even as intelligent as I thought she was either if Tom’s right. That’s because the fact that I waited a year to contact her like we agreed upon, should tell her I can’t possibly be obsessive in a bad or dangerous kind of way. If I were truly a stalker or an obsesser, I wouldn’t have waited. I’d have begun to peruse her as soon as I got out of there, making up any excuse I could think of to get her attention.

My thoughts are still frequently invaded by Teddy Bear. I wonder if there’ll ever be a day when I don’t think of her.

Yesterday’s not getting the letter returned to me for whatever reason, or a letter from her, confirmed my beliefs of her ignoring me. The top reasons I can think of as to why she blew me off are:

1. She’s seeing someone.

2. Someone said something to her about me that she didn’t like.

3. There’s a never-see-any-former-inmates policy that went into effect over the last year.

4. She decided not to bother with a married ex-con who lives an hour away.

5. She was the best actress I’ve ever seen or heard of, who was just playing me for a fool all along.

The much less likely scenarios are:

1. She was killed in an accident.

2. She’s laid up in the hospital due to an illness/injury.

3. My letter was lost in the mail.

4. She’s out of state on a family emergency.

Either way, if something did come up that was out of her control, she could’ve found 5 minutes to break away and call me to tell me what was going on, rather than leave me hanging and believing she doesn’t care.

All in all, I guess I’m just not meant to have a woman as a side dish. Oh well. I’ve always been totally cursed in that department and I know I can’t change fate. Teddy Bear was and always will be just a fantasy. It seems most of my life’s been based on fantasy!

I’m just glad I mailed her letter or else I’d really accuse Tom of not mailing my mail.

The doll people say the doll was mailed on the 16th. I definitely should’ve gotten it by now. I’m sick of this doll chase game I always have to play. It always has to be such a big fight to get the damn dolls here! They say to let them know in 10 more days if it hasn’t arrived and they’ll ship another doll. Right. And how long will that one take to get here?

Got a letter from Mary, requesting all her book stuff. She says she’s gonna be there another 6 months and that she wants them so that she can know what she’s covered and what she hasn’t. Wants to get on with writing more so she feels like she’s doing something.

Another printing request?! I mean, I already gave her 3 or 4 copies. Where did they all go? And doesn’t she know by now that printers aren’t reliable? Especially mine? She’ll have to wait till I get new cartridges in a few days or so when we get the stock money, but I’m sure there’ll be delays and problems with even that.

I got this letter no doubt the same day she got mine crying on her shoulder about Teddy Bear.

I know this is dishonest, but I just don’t want to visit her. I don’t want to go through the hassles of waiting forever. I don’t want the memories of her. I’ll tell her we popped in one day and that I was turned away cuz I’m still on probation. She’ll never know. Besides, there’s a damn good chance that’d happen for real.

I also told her that if she ever does see Teddy Bear again, I don’t care what she says to her. She can tell her what an asshole she is for being so low and so cold as to blow me off without a simple little explanation.

What? Is she that gutless that she couldn’t even give me an explanation?

Obviously so. And I thought she was a strong, brave person! People can really fool us. Even if we’re usually good at judging and sensing other people.

How did this woman manage to get under my skin in just 6 months? I couldn’t have seen her more than 20 times during those months.

How could she do this? Why? How? Why? How? Why? How? Why? How? That’s all that goes through my head! I just don’t get it. Here I was thrilled to finally have a mutual attraction. Well, I know Officer R. D. Johnson was attracted to me. And I know Officer R. D. Johnson did like me.

So what happened? The number one thing that comes to mind still says that she met someone she was even more attracted to and that she liked even more. Sure it’s a bummer we can’t get together for whatever reason, but couldn’t she have at least told me so? I think that the fact that she’s left me hanging hurts more than any reason she could have for not seeing me.

How I wish she’d call me up tomorrow and say, “Hey, Dawn! I was on vacation for the last week and I only just got your letter yesterday.”

But this will never happen, which makes me wish I could do what the character in my Dean Koontz book is doing. She was molested as a child by her father, and she designs virtual reality scenes. This is a technique by which a computer simulates a three-dimensional physical environment using visual and auditory stimuli and within which people can interact to affect what happens in the simulation. She creates scenes depicting different possible outcomes of the abuse. In real life, she couldn’t fight back. In one of the virtual reality scenes, she does. In another, she is killed. I don’t know why she’d create a scene killing herself, but anyway, she does this as a form of therapy.

Well, wouldn’t it be fun therapy for me if I could create various scenes where I confront Teddy Bear for hurting me, and in these various scenes, I’d get different answers as to why she led me on and blew me off? You gotta be able to draw, though, and although I can draw, I was never that great of an artist. Whenever I’d try to draw someone, it was hit or miss as to whether or not the drawing would resemble the person I wanted it to. I also haven’t drawn in a long time. I just got sick of it, I guess.

If only I’d known she was gonna do this. I just never believed she would, though. If I had known, maybe I could’ve written something in the letter about how people were blowing me off or something, and maybe that’d make her feel bad about blowing me off herself. But I wouldn’t have wanted her to come see me out of guilt, either. I’d have wanted her to come see me because she wanted to. Why the fuck did she say she would in the first place if she didn’t want to?

All these months I wondered if she thought about me and missed me as much as I did her. Well, I may never get an answer as to why she blew me off, but I sure as hell got my answer as far as her thinking/missing me!

Never ever have I been a “woman scorned” like this. Not even Kacey’s dumping me 12 years ago hurt, confused and angered me this much. Not even close.

Oh, Teddy Bear, how could you have done this to me? You stole my heart and then you broke it. I still can’t believe you, of all people, went back on your word.

Can anybody keep their word about anything? Why is it that so many people are all talk and no action? Most of what most of the people I’ve known have said has turned out to be just talk. But why? Is it just me? Or is that really just human nature for most people?

I think she’s gotta be seeing someone. Why else would she blow me off without a care in the world as if I were nothing more than yesterday’s trash? Why would she want to be all alone and lonely if she were single? I’m sure she’s with someone who isn’t married and who has a job and a car.

But what if they broke up in a few months to a year? Would she call me then, or would she feel funny calling after so long? And what would she say? That she forgot? That she just got tied up and too busy to call?

She’ll never call and I know it. I just wish I could get that woman out of my mind! I could be doing something and be focused on that for a while, then all of a sudden an image of her and something we may’ve said pops into my head. I’ll be listening to music, then we’re laughing all over again about my “dead friends.” I’ll be reading, then: “She’s only a little ugly. Call her Ronda.”

She’ll never know just how much she’s hurt me. And I never knew just how easy it could be for her to simply walk away and ignore someone she very much appeared to care for.

Does she still have the kites and pictures I gave her? If she does, it’s probably only with the hopes of helping to build a stalking case against me if I keep on writing her or manage to call her at home somehow, but of course, she’ll never hear from me again either. I can’t make her want me. I can’t make her call me. I can’t make her visit me.

When Tom checked last night, he found that they didn’t take the money for the doll till the 19th, so the end of the 10-business day thing is today. Wouldn’t it be oh so nice if Tom could go to work tonight and stop at the PO on the way back with the doll and my letter returned, saying she either no longer works there or is back at Estrella. Then I could resend the letter to Estrella or hunt her down through the white pages just to find out that she lost my address and number!

Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ll keep dreaming.

Anyway, the freeloaders didn’t have me woken up today, so that’s good. I slept till 1:15. They still could have me woken up this week. Time will tell. That’s the least of my worries right now. Right now I just want to get through this class bullshit somehow.

I just saw this poll that was taken in 1938 on TV, asking if the public approves/disapproves of a married woman working if her husband was capable of supporting her, and 78% said they disapproved. Nowadays I’m sure 99% would approve either way. What do I think? I think people should be able to do what they want based on their own individual needs and desires.

I wish I’d sent the freeloaders’ mail before the 80s. It was around the 80s that they started overriding us whites with special treatment and extra/unfair rights. Before then, you could be caught beating the shit out of an off-brand right in front of a cop and nothing would happen to you, but now, you so much as stick your tongue out to an off-brand and you’re in for it!

It never ceases to amaze me just how much childbirth is on TV! No one would ever need a Lamaze class again if this trend keeps up. I thought by now they’d switch to highlighting other topics, but nope. The population seems to be just as obsessed with the subject as I once was. There are series galore dedicated to labor and delivery. There’s even a special on covering childbirth in 9 different countries!

Anyway, I sure felt like a fool earlier. I was in the bathroom when I heard barking. It sounded like it was definitely on this property. I went and checked, yet found nothing. A few minutes later I heard it again. Then again. It sounded too loud to be outside, yet way too soft to be from someone else’s place. I began to suspect a dog may’ve gotten under the house and was trapped inside the vents. The dog sounded like it was either a puppy or a small dog. So I got Tom up and he heard it, too. It sounded like it was underneath the living room or my office. Tom went out and pulled the skirting off in one section, but never heard or saw anything. Then he realized it was my puppy screen saver I had just loaded that was doing the barking! And also, there are speakers in both my office and the living room. As stupid as I felt, though, I was glad that that was it, cuz the last thing we would’ve needed was a dog trapped in our vents!

The renters are continuing to set up whatever the hell it is they’re setting up in front of their place. At first it looked like it could be a giant playpen, a trampoline, or a swing set, but we now think it may be a portable Arizona room. Meaning, it’s just a big tent-like screen. Nothing with solid walls with outlets for stereos or anything like that.

As usual, and as I knew would be the case, I never got the doll that I should’ve gotten last week. It’s like - aaarrrggghhh!!! Why can’t I just order a fucking doll and get it! Why must there always be a delay? It’s like something up there’s punishing me for getting dolls. But we pay for them! It’s not like we’re stealing them, so what’s the big deal? It’s like - just let me order a doll and get it! I hate to think of the hell we’re gonna have to go through to get Joy delivered to us unless we do go through JBS. Even if we do go through them, though, they’ll have a problem getting her for a while from their Kingman store.

Although yesterday was the first day I didn’t shed a tear over Teddy Bear, I thought about her on and off like I always do. What happened? Just what the hell happened? After all that was said and done between us, you mean she really doesn’t care? She makes me laugh, kicks a girl out of the pod for me, says we’ll get together, takes off her ring, and now she doesn’t care? It’s like it all may as well never have happened! Like she never existed and I never existed for her. How did we go from liking each other to being nothing at all to each other? What could’ve happened to strip her of any feelings she had for me? The woman obviously doesn’t give a damn, but how could that be? How could she not have an ounce of curiosity and not feel bad about blowing me off?

No, I certainly didn’t get my dream woman out of this jail shit. All I got was a pen pal.

For the last few years, all I’ve wanted to do was speed up time. Now, a part of me wishes I could turn back the hands of time to when I still believed Teddy Bear would be in my future.

As vibed, no word from Teddy Bear. God, I still can’t believe she did this! And not so much as a simple little phone call or letter saying why! Well, I hope her current or next girlfriend wakes up one day, takes one look at her, and decides that giant face full of acne is worthy of the name Rhoda!

Could it be that there really was a no-contact-with-former-inmates policy enacted? Could that explain why I never heard from her or Pérez? I can see Pérez sticking to the rules if that were the case, but Teddy Bear? Wouldn’t she have at least called to explain herself, rather than so rudely left me hanging? Makes me wonder if maybe she really was killed in an accident or something. I mean, I just can’t believe she turned out to be this cold and this heartless.

Another thing I wonder is if these mice are all gonna die off just cuz they’re not going with her. Two of them died, and I got rid of two dull-looking ones as soon as I knew she was gonna blow me off. Now there’s a total of 8.

Since I no longer give a damn about my weight, I’m only going to lift weights twice a week, but I’m walking on the walker every day. That’s cuz I had Tom put my mahjong game on my MP3 computer so I could play while I walk like I was doing in Phoenix, so it’s not so damn boring. Oddly enough, it’s easier to drive the mouse with my left hand while I walk.

Because I just got new shorts and a new dress, I won’t let myself gain much weight. Meaning, I won’t worry about a few pounds, but I sure as hell won’t try to lose any. God, I’m so sick of that! I need a good long break from the diet rollercoaster. For now, I’ll just eat sensibly. Meanwhile, I’m a middle-aged person. I’m supposed to be overweight. In fact, I’m supposed to be more overweight than I am, so I think I’m doing pretty good for my age being just 15-20 pounds overweight and not 30-50.

All Scot said to me yesterday was that he’d do my progress report and see if maybe they made a mistake by ordering classes. When I asked him who was supposedly trying to say my reading comprehension skills were low and why, he said he didn’t know. He also said he didn’t know when I asked him if he thought he could get this taken care of.

So now I gotta wait and worry about this shit another two weeks unless he comes to the house when I’m home and awake with any news before I see him again. I still don’t think I’m going to get out of this shit. I still think they’re gonna demand the classes. Well, I’m sick of their fucking demands!

I finally heard from Mary. She said something about them cutting off the phones and depriving them of envelopes for a couple of weeks, which of course, is highly illegal. But it’s a jail, so it’s ok. They can do it. They can get away with it.

She confirmed that the trial had been postponed, but didn’t say what the new date was. Maybe she doesn’t know it yet.

She’s still with Hope. Damn! That’s like - what? Six months? Wish I could’ve been with one person I got along with for the 6 months I was there, but obviously, God wanted me to meet all different kinds of people.

And to get my heart broken as well. Mary’s no doubt going to be as shocked as I am when I tell her Teddy Bear stood me up.

She shocked me by saying that Pérez finally worked in M Dorm and so she gave her my letter. This got me thinking, was she really in the tents? Tent DOs don’t do towers and dorms. At least, they didn’t in the past. Was she really ever in the tents? Could this mean that Teddy Bear may never have left Estrella and just hasn’t worked M? I doubt it, but if she is there, will they forward the letter to her or will they send it back? And once again, if she didn’t get the letter, then why isn’t she calling? Is she really that shy?

I don’t know, I still think she got the letter and is ignoring me. If I’m right, I hope her next girlfriend, if she doesn’t already have one, fucks her over good. Wouldn’t it be oh so funny if the girlfriend decided to dump her in a few months to a year, then Teddy Bear was like, damn! I should’ve called Dawn.

But I know better than to think that God would give someone a taste of their own medicine as long as it’s me they fucked over. I’m sure the girlfriend will be a regular little sweetheart.

I’ll have to ask Mary if Pérez mentioned getting my letter.

Anyway, I know I’m never going to forget the redheaded DO with the vibrant personality and the great ass. I also know there’s a damn good chance she’s done me a favor by choosing to ignore me. We would’ve only ended up getting sick of each other and maybe even fighting, too. The sex would’ve had its problems like it always does for me. Tom would’ve gotten jealous and tried putting guilt trips on me when we weren’t fighting about her. Despite my and Tom’s lack of interest in each other, I may’ve ended up feeling guilty as all hell for sleeping with her.

I just wish I knew for sure what happened! And what’s going to happen today when I see the cheeks?

Maybe Misha opened her mouth. Maybe she said something to Teddy Bear about our talks about her and that drove her away. Maybe she had a problem with some other inmate and decided against seeing any past inmates on the outs.

I wondered, could her transfer to Madison have anything to do with me? It seems silly to think it could since she left 6 or 7 months after I did, but maybe my mail to and from Mary was being monitored a lot closer than I realized and that had something to do with it. Or maybe she had a problem with some other inmate and they decided to ship her to Madison where she’d be around more males.

Oh, how could she do this to me?! She just seemed so real! So, so for real. What happened, Teddy Bear? What happened???

All last night I went back and forth between crying over Teddy Bear and stressing over the state. I mean, how bad are we looking at here, as far as classes go? How many days a week? And how much more money are we going to lose to this shit? And what will the next demand be? That I work? Pay more money?

Anyway, I suppose I should be mad at Teddy Bear. Especially if she’s deliberately dumping me. But all I feel is shock. She’s the last person I expected this from. Her dumping me surprises me as much as it would if Tom dumped me. I don’t know, maybe there was some crisis, accident or illness going on with her or her family. But if she could get to a phone, couldn’t she have called to say it’d be a while if she had some serious shit going on with her? That way I wouldn’t be left hanging and wondering.

Maybe she’s waiting for a day off to call, but I doubt it. I mean, I don’t see why she’d need to. If she’s working first shift, she could call after work. If she’s working second shift, she could call before work. If she’s working third, she could call after she got up, assuming she goes to bed when she gets home.

When I was focusing on the pros of her ditching me, I said that at least she wouldn’t get the chance to fuck me over, but it looks like she already did. If she truly did lead me on for no reason, then she already did fuck me over. And there was no good to be had with the bad, either. Meaning that all Estrella jail was for me was one big old punishment.

Well, Tom S doesn’t need any friends, so why should I? Why should I need Teddy Bear, Mary or Paula? After all, I’m the one who says that more people in your life means more trouble.

I’m just really shocked cuz she seemed so genuine. And she was the one to bring up the getting together. I only mentioned writing. Usually, the one who brings something up first is for real. It’s the other one that may be like, “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” just going along with them, not having the heart or the guts to let the person know they’re not on the same wavelength. Yet I know I didn’t imagine her liking me. She truly did like me. No one can put on an act that well. Nor was it just my imagination that Palma and Pérez liked me either.

Isn’t she even a little bit curious? I thought I wrote a letter that’d really entice her to keep her word. I mentioned the book, for example, so isn’t she even the tiniest bit curious about checking that out? And although I told her she doesn’t have to feel obligated to take the mice, doesn’t she feel a bit bad knowing I tried to breed the kind she likes and that I have these mice waiting for her? Can she really be that cold to just suddenly up and not care? And if that’s the case, once again, why is she doing this to me? Maybe the intro to the Estrella saga I so stupidly sent in did get called to her attention before it was given to Mary, I don’t know.

I thought this whole thing made sense; why I was destined to go to jail besides to be punished by a God who hates my guts, but now, nothing in life seems to make sense, and if I thought trusting people was hard in the past - well - now I’m really gonna have a hard time buying what anyone says.

Judging by when the vibes faded, she must have made the decision to back out at the last minute. Either something I said in my letter scared her off or something happened right when she got the letter, causing her to be either unwilling or unable to contact me.

I don’t know, maybe she did fall in love with me. Maybe, after having time to reflect on it, she decided her feelings were too strong for a married person this far away. Whatever the reason, though, it’d be nice if she’d called and offered some kind of explanation, thanking me anyway for the mice. Even if she decided I was fat and ugly, it’s a shame she doesn’t have the guts to tell me so.

Maybe she decided she didn’t want to see me back when she dyed her hair. I was going to dye my hair too, but once I learned that she liked it as it is, I decided not to. Well, why would she dye her hair, knowing I liked her just the way she was? And she did this right around the time Ida was there and when the intro was sent in.

So what’s next, I wonder? Do I just live a life of celibacy, cleaning the house, writing in journals, and catering to the state of Arizona?

Anyway, I decided that unlike with my stomach, the zapper wasn’t making a difference with my thighs, so I quit shocking them.

The renters have what appears to be either some big playpen or a trampoline set up in front.

Later…

Tom’s up now and should be going to work in an hour or so. I made the mistake of expressing my shock over Teddy Bear’s dumping me, and my worries about tomorrow’s trip to the cheeks. This is cuz he tends to either play down or argue my stresses and concerns, making me feel like I’m a fool for feeling the way I do, or am being unreasonable for feeling the way I do. After the way I’ve been railroaded by this system and so many people throughout my life, how can he expect me not to have the fears and worries I do? I’d really wonder about myself if I weren’t paranoid and if I were a trusting person. Helen says this is normal, but he seems to think the way I feel is silly. At least that’s the impression I get at times.

He tells me, “It’s only been 3 days. You’re jumping the gun and not being fair. People don’t just drop everything the instant you contact them.”

Well, my logic and my vibes tell me she’s not going to contact me. I’ll never know for sure why, but I think it’s safe to assume she changed her mind or never planned on contacting me in the first place.

I wonder how Tom feels about her not contacting me. Somehow I get the feeling he’s glad. After I got out of jail, I had jokingly said he’d be elated if she didn’t show up, fully expecting him to deny this, but he said absolutely nothing in his defense, leading me to believe he really might feel that way for real.

Maybe the only way to survive in this world really is to be like everyone else and not be myself. Maybe I should put on acts for people, even if it means being phony and even a liar. After all, we’re all liars of convenience anyway. We lie when it suits us to do so. Like when the guy doing the mental health screening asked if I had any violent thoughts. Like I was really gonna say that I did?! I used to believe that honesty was the best policy, but now I really believe that saying what’s best is the best policy, whether or not it’s true. Sometimes, not saying anything at all is a good thing, too. Why tell anyone anything at all unless they absolutely need to know it? Maybe we’re all supposed to say we’re gonna do things we know we’re not gonna do. Maybe it’s normal to say we want things we aren’t the least bit interested in. But what am I supposed to do? Say I want to start collecting stamps cuz I don’t? Say yes to Tom if he asks me if I want to start playing softball? Hell, I don’t even look like your average 36-year-old. So does that mean I should cut my hair to my shoulders even if I decide I no longer want to? Should I gain 20-30 pounds?

Later…

Is God teasing me, or what? This is the second evening in a row where the phone’s rung, my heart starts pounding with a sliver of hope and excitement as I race to the phone, only to find it’s a fucking sales call. And ironically, one was to con money off of people for slain cops.

Why did God let me get as far as I did with Teddy Bear if he knew she’d leave me hanging in the end? Just to take yet another stab at me? Does he love seeing me hurt that much?

I don’t know, maybe she decided work was too important to her to fit me into her busy life. With the way she said she had two jobs and was superwoman looking to get into yet a whole new business, maybe she’s married to her job. Maybe that’s her number one in life. Especially with the way she’s such a “dedicated professional.”

Maybe there are new rules now saying no contact ever with former inmates, which would be wrong, of course. Who the hell are they to tell their employees who they can associate with when they’re off duty? I would think that had she cared enough, she’d have been willing to bend the rules a bit if that rule had been changed. I never even thought there ever even was a 1-year rule on that to begin with. Maybe she just said that, hoping that I’d forget about her by then cuz she never really wanted to see me.

But then why did she act so interested? Why did she mention getting together and getting mice from me?

I’ll obviously never know. For all I know, she was fired and is no longer a county employee. Or maybe she was killed in a car accident.

Right now I feel like I’m looking at a tough life ahead of me, always wondering every day for the rest of my life whatever became of her. It’s a depressing thought, too. I’ll never even know her name. Was she Rachel? Was she Rebecca? What would’ve happened had we gotten together? Would we have got it on with each other? How would it have been? How often would it have happened?

It’s a case of forbidden lust for me, just like always. I mean, yes I was attracted to Kacey and Ann Marie, but not like with Teddy Bear.

Oh, Teddy Bear, how could you do this to me? And why?!

What if they threw the letter away? They’re not supposed to, but if she’s not working there, some might find it easier, with all the pieces of mail they’ve got to go through, to simply ditch it, rather than have it returned to me or forwarded to wherever she is.

What if the letter’s been lost or misdelivered and she’s too shy to call me? What if she lost my number? Anything’s possible, but she seems a little too responsible to have lost it.

And to think that I may find out tomorrow that I’m going to be forced to interact with yet even more people is pretty depressing, too. If I do agree to this class shit, and I may not, depending on how often it is and all that, I’ll know better this time than to agree to get together with anyone. I won’t even talk to anyone other than to try to con money out of them.

I still feel like I’m always going to be at the mercy of society and its control as long as I live! I know it’s only a matter of time before God forces me to be around people.

Some of the Mexicans next door were out taking an evening stroll. They were walking up Ralston when I spotted them, then they headed onto their land. I saw a large black dog, a small black dog, a little boy on a bike, and a young woman in her late teens to early twenties.

It’s that time of year when we hear this loud buzzing out there. It’s pretty scary. Tom says he doesn’t think it’s bees. Sure sounds like it to me, though. He says he’ll hunt for hives. If there are hives, there are sprays that allow you to spray them from long distances.

I checked online and couldn’t find any updates on Mary. Even so, there’s a chance that the trial could be over and she could be in Florida now, but I doubt it. I sent her a letter hoping to get some answers, but I won’t write again until I hear from her. It’s been over a month since I heard from her.

Tom said there’s this really cool thing that puts bright pink streaks in your hair. Some girl at work had it in her hair. It’s a dye you brush through and into your hair that’s supposed to glow under black light. She says they sell it everywhere for just $6.

Our stock finally sold, so I guess we’ll be calling around, getting info about Joy as to where the best place to get her will be. I still think JBS will be way too expensive for her, and for stands.

We’re gonna get caught up on the house payments till we fall behind again in a month or two, put extra aside for when something breaks in a month or two, then I guess he’s gonna go ahead and get himself new glasses, too. He doesn’t use contacts anymore cuz they damaged his eyes. Back when he wore them for a week or two straight, they didn’t know that depriving the eye of oxygen like that caused damage.

I’m getting closer and closer to needing glasses myself. How sad. I didn’t think I’d need them till my 40s or 50s.

As for Teddy Bear, if she doesn’t call today, I’ll wonder about her. If she doesn’t call tomorrow, I’ll wonder even more. If she doesn’t call by the weekend, I’ll really wonder about her. For all I know, she could’ve been off Monday or Tuesday, or even on vacation. If not, she should’ve gotten the letter Monday, assuming she is at Madison, or the letter was forwarded to wherever she is. As long as she’s a county employee, I would think she’d get the letter and that it would’ve been returned to me by now if there was a problem getting it to her. At least I don’t have to sit and wonder whether or not the letter was even mailed.

If I don’t get the letter back and I don’t hear from her, then I’ll probably think she changed her mind. I’ll think that either by herself, or with the influence of a friend, decided not to bother with a married ex-con. Either that or I was just a game she was playing while I was in there.

Later…

Surprisingly enough, yet sure enough, vibes of Teddy Bear calling and seeing me are fading. If I’m right, I hope she has a good reason for leading me on and dumping me. Despite the fact that so many people are all talk and no action, I’m really surprised. She seemed so for real.

It’s too soon, you’re jumping the gun, I tell myself, yet I cried for a while there anyway. I just think she’d have called by now. I don’t know, maybe she’s biding her time so as not to appear desperate, but I really think that for some reason, she changed her mind. Now I’ll have more things to wonder about besides her name and things like that. Now I’ll always wonder why she decided not to contact me. Did Ida trash me to her before she left Estrella? Did she meet someone?

Guess I was wrong in assuming the letter would be returned by now if there was a delivery problem. Tom said it’d take about a week. He worked at the post office, so I take his word for it.

I’m analyzing, in my mind, different reasons why I believe different possibilities could be the case. The only thing that suggests she was never into me the way I was with her is the fact that she told me to wait a year. Well, I’d think that if you really liked someone that much, be it intimately or not, you wouldn’t wait. I mean, who’d have known about us? Did she think the sergeant or someone would follow her to see if she had any contact with any former inmates? Did she think they’d follow me to see if I’d have contact with any DOs? Take Mary, for example. Being the unpaid county employee that this state has forced me to be, I’m supposed to not have any contact with anyone with a record, yet she contacted me, and I said “fuck it” to the rules. Some rules were meant to be broken.

If she really cared and if she really liked me, I’d think that she’d have called right before the 29th, not knowing that I know she left Estrella.

It’s a damn good thing I’m learning she’s ditched me now, rather than during the first 4 months or so after my release cuz it would’ve hit me a lot harder back then.

So of all the different possible theories I’ve had, the one where I said, “If God wouldn’t allow me Miss Right in the past, why would he now?” is turning out to be the case. We weren’t meant to be, obviously, or else we’d have met before I met Tom. But why did God let us even get as far as we did back in jail? Just to play with my head? Just to tease me and set me up?

Well, I have no regrets about meeting and marrying Tom, but I’d have preferred it if she could’ve been a part of my life, too. But, since she won’t be, all I can do is look at the positives to it. I won’t have to worry that she’ll be disappointed in me for staying fat. I won’t have to worry about her coming between Tom and I, even if it wasn’t intentional. I won’t have to worry that she’s really some psycho who may end up using and abusing the law against me.

So, instead of spending some of my free time with Teddy Bear, it looks like I’ll be spending it with dumb criminals in these so-called classes.

Later…

I forgot to say that Tom found an ancient backup of some of the stuff I was missing. I was missing 6 months of 1993 and we found half of it. I’m still missing 4/22-5/21 and 8/18-10/22.

It’s too soon. She could’ve had Monday and Tuesday off and just got back to work a few hours ago to find your letter waiting there for her.

Uh-uh. That’s not what my vibes say. And my vibes are rarely wrong when it comes to negative things. I’ll still keep her DOC file and her JPG file for a while. Then I’ll delete it. I think I’ll change my screen name of Feisty Dawn to something else, too.

It looks like Scot will be skipping April altogether, as far as seeing me here goes, but we’ll know for sure in a few hours. I kind of doubt I’ll see him before Friday.

I should’ve seen my doll by now, and I’m really sick of this shit! Why can’t I just order a doll and get it? It was in stock, they took the money for it, so where is it? I emailed them and asked them the same question. I should get a response any sec. It’s an hour earlier in California, but it shouldn’t be long.

These rats are still so “Ladylike.” If they haven’t calmed down yet, then they probably never will. They simply came from the wrong mother.

Surprisingly, I slept till 6 AM. Is that a sign? I still say it’s too early for her to be calling today, but time will tell.

Sheriff Joe was on TV yesterday, making a complete fool of himself on a jail/prison documentary. Especially to those who know him for what he truly is. He was bragging about the millions he’s made in “rent,” and all the people he serves, and I was like, “serves?” Try “control,” you bastard!

There’s this women’s prison in California and their Ad-Seg area is quite different than Estrella’s. Theirs is basically the hole where the troublemakers go. Estrella’s is supposed to be for those in fear for their safety, but it’s really for those who don’t want to work for free. Especially if they didn’t get a two-for-one.

I saw Officer Sunday and some other officers when they were showing the chain gang. Most of the focus was on the tents, though.

Once again I’m wondering, would taking the classes for any reason be the right thing to do if Scot says they won’t drop it? I just don’t want to be sending the wrong message and leading them to believe I’ll just jump to their every beck and call, cuz I won’t. It’s just that I think I can get some money out of these classes, but if 6 months from now they want something else, they can forget it. I’m not a robot for the state of Arizona. I still wouldn’t put it past them to push the job issue at some point or demand more money, either.

During my fine-tuning of the 1992-1993 file, I noticed 6 months were missing. The period between 4/22/93-10/22/93. So, I had mixed emotions when Tom said he may have an old backup. The purpose of my encrypting my journals is so no one can read them without my permission, so if he has decrypted copies lying around, that’d defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it? However, in light of the situation, I hope he does have that time period somewhere. If not, I’ll insert a note in the area those entries should be in, covering everything I can remember happening during that time frame.

I went online yesterday to see if that Arab doll was sold out. She wasn’t. Then I noticed their new Brazilian doll named Carmencita and was like - wow! Like the Arab doll, she’s $40. She’s also full-body porcelain and wears what looks to be a 2-piece bathing suit with a colorful cape and hideous headdress. I don’t have to use the headdress, though. Anyway, it’s quite different than anything else I’ve got. I guess I won’t be getting Blossom, the fairy that goes with Twinkle. Right now, my top two choices are the Brazilian and the Arab doll, but we won’t be ordering till July.

Then I had an idea. Maybe this class bullshit is a good thing after all. Maybe it’s a money-making opportunity. See, I’d be taking classes with criminals, particularly Hispanics. Hispanics who would be charmed by this white girl’s broad knowledge of Spanish and who would be happy to loan her a few bucks here and there. Criminals are one of the easiest people to con since most of them are so stupid. I could use them the way I did with Nervous, asking them to please spot me a $10 here and a $10 there, promising to pay them back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, it wouldn’t be anything that could get me thrown in jail, and knowing how fucked up most of society is, I know I could do this without feeling guilty.

I can’t give in to this state’s every demand, though. This class bullshit is one thing, but if 6 months from now they decide they want something else, they’re not getting it. Period. I will put my foot down then, so help me God. And if I find that this class bullshit’s not making me some money, I’ll drop it like a hot potato and there’ll be no classes, no Scot, no money payments, no nothing. Meanwhile, I’m hoping I can con enough money to get a doll or two before July.

---

And so it was one year ago at this very moment that I returned home to a dying Houdini.

And I’m still fat and the freeloaders are still a part of my life.

Meanwhile, Teddy Bear should get my letter today if she’s working, though I don’t expect to hear from her today. I hope not. I’d hate to crash at 6 PM just to have her call an hour later. I slept till midnight, so I’m going to try to stay up till 6:00, then come Tuesday, I should be able to cover the phone during the late afternoon/early evening hours.

What am I gonna do with myself for the next 11½ hours? Guess I’ll do more fine-tuning. I’m amazed at just how many errors there are in these journals. These were supposed to have been spellchecked and proofread, too. I could also read or watch TV, but not until the end of my day. Doing that tires me out. I could work out too, but I don’t really feel like it.

After deciding the benefits weren’t worth all the work, I haven’t been running much lately. A part of me is so tempted to cut my hair off, eat what I want, and to hell with even maintaining my weight, but I know that if I did that, I’d bust out of my new shorts and sundress in less than a month. So, I guess I’ll just cut my hair off, but not yet. I’m still not sure whether or not I want to trim a few inches or cut it to my shoulders. I’ll probably cut it to my shoulders cuz I’m just so sick of it. It’s always tangled, full of static, and it’s just a bitch to deal with. If it were thin and straight, that’d be one thing, but thick curls to one’s ass is a bit much.

In less than 4 hours I have to give my life back to the freeloader.

You could say I’ve been both pissed as well as grateful to Tom over the last couple of days. I’m grateful for his putting a faster board in my MP3 computer, but I’m sick of his moodiness and his misinterpreting me so much of the time. You’d think that after 9 years of knowing each other, he’d know me better by now, but he’s constantly misunderstanding the things I say. And he seems to be less and less patient and more and more frustrated with me when I myself don’t understand him right away.

I’m also getting sick of the controlling lately, too. He seems less tolerant of my ways these days. He’s always complaining about something I’ve said or done. He interrupts me when I see Scot, gives me disapproving looks a lot, and has been making me feel like nothing I do or say is right.

Yesterday’s trip to the grocery store was a disaster. All I got was “Slow down, come here, settle down, don’t run, don’t yell, do this, do that,” and I was like - I’m not a fucking yo-yo!

“Are you trying to lose me?” I asked him in the car on the way back from the store.

“You can leave me anytime you want. I’m sick of your threats,” he said.

“I never threatened to leave you.”

“Isn’t that what this is about?”

“No,” I told him, “I simply made a comment, an observation.”

And so I wonder - does he really not get me? Am I really all that bad? Do I really turn him off that much? Or is he purposely doing little things to try to lose me?

Maybe I was wrong in assuming he had nothing to do with my not desiring him sexually these days. I still believe the main reason is that I simply got sick of the same old, same old. What was once new and exciting is now old news, but maybe part of the reason I’ve been turned off really does have to do with his own apparent lack of interest.

Despite the fact that I’ve told him that I loved Teddy Bear in addition to him and not instead of him, how much of this is related to her? Does he really think I’m not approachable because of my feelings for her, or is it just his own lack of interest he can’t admit to?

I had assumed it was his own lack of interest cuz he never had much of an interest from the get-go. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been the way he is. In the beginning, I was the only one who wanted sex regularly, but through time, his lack of desire dampened mine, then it just got old anyway, as I’m sure it would with anyone. Lots of people feel the way I do after so many years. I know we’re not alone in that department, as far as no longer wanting sex goes. Nonetheless, I can’t snap my fingers and make myself want it with him, and truthfully, I wouldn’t if I could. I wouldn’t want someone who didn’t want me. Meanwhile, this doesn’t mean I’m going to stay celibate forever. If an opportunity to have sex with Teddy Bear arises, I’m gonna just go with the flow of it if it’s meant to be.

I still want Tom to be my number one and for us to always be together, but I certainly haven’t been as happy with him as I’d like to be lately. If he could be a little more patient and tolerant of me and not get agitated over the questions I may ask, even if they seem dumb, then I’d try to put on the public act he wants me to put on. He wants me to “act like everyone else” in public, but you know me; I’ve always been adamant about being myself. But if it would make him happy to see me kiss a little ass, then I guess I could compromise.

Meanwhile, her letter’s been mailed. Whether or not she gets it and calls, who knows? My guess is that she’ll call between the 3rd and 5th if she does call. I should be excited. I mean, I thought I’d be excited come letter time, but I don’t really feel much of anything at all. I know that whatever’s meant to be will be. I just hope it doesn’t turn out that I’m making a mistake. I don’t have any bad vibes, but you never know. She could fuck me over, or Tom could get jealous and try putting guilt trips on me. I know things have changed and evolved since, but look at all the shit he put me through over Kim, and I wasn’t even attracted to her. So there’s no saying how he’ll handle me associating with someone he knows I’m attracted to.

It’s hard to believe the time has finally come. To think that she could be here within a week or two is like - wow! There’s still a small part of me that hopes I don’t hear from her, but more so than not, I hope she does call and I hope we get together. And yes, I hope there’s sex, too. What will it be like, I wonder? Will it be a great experience? Just so-so? Will I be plagued with guilt, or will I enjoy every moment of it? Will I feel like what I’m doing is wrong? Will I feel like an adulteress? Or will I be with her and her only when we’re together, enjoy every minute of it, and not worry about Tom?

And what about her? Will she not want to see me all that often? Will she fall in love with me? Will she wish I’d move in with her or will she be glad to have her space when I’m not there?

Has she been alone all this time? Is she alone right now?

Is she still at Madison? Will she get the letter? If she doesn’t call me, what will her reasons be for not calling? Will it be because she met someone? Will it be because she decided not to get involved with a former inmate? A married woman?

Did she ever drive through this area? Has she seen the house?

If we do get together, how often will we do so? What will our relationship entail and be like? How long will it go on?

Questions, questions, questions! And despite the risks, I want some answers, Officer R. D. Johnson!

I’m still going to make her the offer of moving onto our land, but I still think it’ll be too far from work. Also, the more I think about it, the more I don’t think it’d be a good idea for her to live here, cuz if she did go bad, then we’d have to live with her just like we had to live with the freeloaders. I’d like to think she wouldn’t stoop so low as to forbid me the right to ignore her, but still, it may not be a wise or safe idea to have her so close. Especially someone in law enforcement. We’d also get less money when we went to sell someday, but I’d like to see her move closer, like maybe the center of town.

If we did get it on with each other, no, I wouldn’t tell Tom about it simply because he wouldn’t need to know about it. Whether or not he suspected we were playing around, he wouldn’t need to hear about it. The same would be the case for me if he had a side dish. I’d still love him and want to be with him, but he need not share the details with me. Then again, if he really wanted to, not that he’d be the type, it wouldn’t kill me to hear about it, cuz I know I’d always be his number one just like he’ll always be my number one. Nonetheless, as the law, Tom and life itself have taught me, sometimes it’s best to say/not say what’s best, rather than to come clean and be honest. We’re all liars of convenience. When it’s in our best interest to lie, we do, though I’m not going to lie to Tom. I just won’t say anything at all.

Just like I predicted, no doll this week, though I should’ve been here by Friday. See, I knew the PO would fuck up if the doll was in stock. They probably misdelivered it and had to reroute it back to me like they did when I got the first 4 dolls from them in January. They did take the money for the doll, though, so that has to mean she is on her way. She should be here tomorrow.

It seems I spend my time either trying to get myself to sleep at certain times or pushing myself to stay up as long as possible. Last night I managed to sleep till 11 PM, so I’m going to try to stay up till at least 5 PM, then sleep till 1 AM. If she calls, it’ll probably be between the late afternoon - early evening hours. Once I’m getting up between 3 AM - 4 AM, I can be up during that time. I also won’t have to worry about the cheeks waking me up, should he pop in this week.

I started to write about how bored I’ll be now that I’m not going to be doing this, but caught myself just in time. After all, I learned the hard way that bitching in my journal about boredom is asking for trouble. For some reason, God seems to think that my boredom should be cured with trouble.

I just wish my schedule wasn’t what it is, but again, I’ll leave Teddy Bear to fate. If we’re fated to meet, she’ll be fated to call, and I’ll be fated to get that call.